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Leaving the overcrowded room, I push my way through the crowd and out into the warm evening air. As the fresh air hits my face, I can feel my body start to loosen up and relax. With the understanding that if I remain anywhere near the door to the party, I will be sucked right back into the dizzying whirlwind of socialites looking to associate themselves with me or my likeness. Shrugging my shoulders, I wander further into the darkness, looking for a quiet corner that will allow me to disentangle and escape from the noise for a second or two. Walking around the corner of the sharp-edged construction that hosts my living nightmares, I barely spot an elevated bench under some trees. It is well hidden, making it perfect. I make my way towards it and slump onto the stiff wood, stretching out my limbs and fully basking in the darkness and silence; I throw my head back, shut my eyes, and swing slowly with the sway of the cool breeze.
After a few swings, I can feel myself start to get bored and reach into my jacket pocket to pull out my cigarettes and light one. Dragging in the taste of smoke, I throw my head back and exhale slowly. A vice I had sworn to quit and did for some time, but after being thrust back into the limelight, its a crutch that I needed to lean on again, as my once secure support system had crumbled away and with time I had taken the sledgehammer of isolation and played my part in shattering any bonds I once had with people of this world. Whatever was left of my long-standing relationships, I made sure to destroy them, to ensure nothing connected us to one another. It had been my mistake that had caused my career to blow up in my face, and they didn't need to suffer the same consequences.
Still working my way through the stick in my hand, I hear the sound of approaching footsteps. Glancing in the direction of the nearing person, avoiding sudden movements to evade detection, I see a small framed figure heading in my direction. Their head down and swaying slightly with each step. Their feet move in an abnormal pattern, each step mimicking those of a drunk but still maintaining a straight line. As I watch the unaware person head closer, consternation starts to creep over me alongside exhilaration. I can feel my face pale but my body lightening up with excitement. Despite my earlier intentions, my body jolts upright, preparing to welcome my uninvited visitor. Just as I am adjusting myself, the stranger, no more than a few steps away from me, lifts their head and stops dead in their tracks and stares at me in bewilderment.
Looking at the face I had dreamed about for many nights, thinking that I would never get the chance to be in his presence again, Jiyong and I stare at each other in bewilderment. His eyes wide like those of a deer in blinding headlights.
My heart is pounding away in my chest, and my throat is as dry as stone, but somehow I manage to choke out a sentence.
"Please sit "
With what I assume is hesitation, Jiyong stumbles towards me and sits beside me. We sit in silence for a few minutes, both staring straight ahead, neither daring to look at the other. My palms are wet with perspiration as they grip the edge of the seat to prevent them from shaking. The temperature in the atmosphere has dropped suddenly. Before things get any more awkward, I decide to start a conversation.
"Hi, are you enjoying the party?"
"Huh? Ahh, uhh, not really, but I didn't have a choice.... Ah, and you?"
"Same," I say, reaching my arm out to offer him a cigarette. "Do you Want one?"
"Oh, no thanks." He says, finally looking at me.
Making contact with his gaze sends a jolt of nerves down my spine, causing me to lean on my crutch once again. I hadn't planned on seeing Jiyong here this evening, but that was once again my fault; he is a star, of course he would be here. Exhaling a column of smoke, I turn to ask him another question, trying to chase the awkwardness away.
" Have you been well?" I ask
Jiyong looks at me; he looks for what feels like forever. He finally leans back against the backrest, and with what looks like fury accompanied by a smile, he opens his mouth.
"Well, what do you think?" His gaze sharpens.
"Well, " I begin to say, but I am quickly cut off.
" I don't know Seung Hyun. How would you feel if the one person you could always rely on disappeared into nowhere?"
"Ji..."
"And left you without answers for years. Not a single trace, and left you clueless for years. Years of friendship were suddenly gone. After promising to always be there, they left you alone to face the crowds alone. So tell me, Seung Hyun, how do you think I've been?"
His body is loose and relaxed, but his face is blank and void of all emotion besides his eyes. Despite the cover of darkness, I know my face is bright red.
"But Jiyong, I told you that I didn't want to burden any of you with the consequences of my actions. It must not have been easy, but it was easier than having that burden thrust upon you."
"I would have liked to be the one to make that decision, though. You do know what friends are for, right? They are there for you during hard times."
" You say that now, Jiyong, but you have no idea how hard it was. I couldn't let that happen to you."
"Well, I would have preferred to have suffered alongside you rather than to live the way I have since you left. I never wanted that, and you robbed me of that choice." He says this as he closes off his body with his arms and throws his head back.
I know that fighting and arguing with him will lead to nothing but more hurt. Leaning forward onto my knees, I take a long drag from my cigarette, hoping that the smoke will cloud the guilt and pain that are slowly growing and spreading through me. I know I robbed Dae-sung, Young-bae and Jiyong of that choice, but if it gave them a second of peace, I would do it again in a heartbeat, and getting them to see it that I know it would be a futile venture.
This is the first time we have seen and spoken to each other in years. I have spent years watching him through the lens of the media and longing to be by his side. But sitting here tonight beside each other, I realise that the image that I had been fed over the years was a misleading perception; the man that sits next to me here tonight is a man heavy laden with pain, forced to perform and pretend for others who selfishly relied on him for their strength. A man that had become crutch for others while being severly crippled himself, and I was the one to blame.
" I really miss you, you know", he says, pulling me out of my downward decent into a darkness of my own making.
"Every time I close my eyes, I see our moments together and long for those moments again." Looking over my shoulder at him, I see that he is watching me. His gaze has softened and become warmer. " All I wanted to do was go back to that time, even though I know I couldn't, I couldn't help but wish." Rising to sit in line with him so that I can better see his face, I see that his eyes aren't just warmer, but they are glycing. A small smile takes the place of the serious line he had before. " The time when it was just you and I, those were my favourite, and I just wanted to feel your arms one more time..." He says as he blushes, not breaking our eye contact.
I can feel my own face heat as flashes from those aforementioned moments play through my mind. The moments that were shared with no one but ourselves were moments I wanted as well. Watching him carefully, I want to draw him in and hug him till the end of time, but instead, I wait for his signal that any form of physical contact is okay.
" After the years you made me wait, Seung Hyun, are you going to make me do all the work now, too?" He says cheekily. Taking that as my cue, with trembling arms, I reach for Jiyong and embrace him tightly. I can't stop my body from trembling; the moment I had dreamed of for so long has finally been granted to me. I feel him hold me too, as his body shakes just as hard as mine. The emotions of the moment overwhelm me, and before I can stop myself, hot tears roll down my face and onto Jiyong's jacket. My silent tears turn into audible sobs.
"So much Seung Hyun. I miss you so much," he says. Pulling away from my embrace, he grabs my face to wipe away my tears. "So much so that it was physically painful." A thumb runs over my cheek as Jiyong leans in and plants a delicate kiss on my lips.
His lips are soft and gentle against mine, and my world implodes with light. Unable to help myself, I grab him, press my lips harder against his, and deepen our connection. I want to feel every part of him. I want to devour him whole and savour every morsel. Moving against each other feverishly, our lips dance a dance of love and longing. Inhaling and tasting each other. My trembles of fear have turned into vibrations of excitement, and I want to feel every angle of his small frame. Pulling Jiyong onto my lap, I continue to devour, lick, taste and bite him. His taste hasn't changed despite the years of separation, much like our love.
Just as I feel my body stiffening, Jiyong breaks our kiss and runs a hand through his floppy blue hair," Not now, not here, Oppa," he says as he gets off my lap, forcing my hands to leave his waist.
"But I will see you later," he smirks as he straightens his suit and walks back towards the gallery swarming with socialites. I decide that I won't see him later but that he will see me every moment for the rest of the evening; it's just a matter of how much of me he will get to see and at what time. Adjusting my own suit, I run after him.
"No, you won't see me later, " I say, throwing an arm around him and planting one last kiss on his lips as we make our way inside.