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[December 23, 2016] - Journal Entry #142 - Page 87
I think I’m going crazy.
It’s been almost two years since I presented, and X promised me nothing would change.
That my secondary gender didn’t matter.
That I was still just me.
And at first, I thought that was sweet.
I thought it meant that X saw me as more than an omega,
that I wasn’t going to be treated any differently just because I presented.
But now… I don’t know anymore.
Because the more time passes, the more I realize—
I wanted it to change.
I wanted X to see me differently.
To act differently.
Not to treat me like I’m weak, but—
To treat me the way they treat other omegas.
With that soft voice,
those careful hands.
The way X offers their jackets without a second thought,
opens doors,
insists on walking omegas home.
But with me?
Nothing.
｡ ₊°༺❤︎༻°₊ ｡
X doesn’t look at me like that.
X doesn’t hesitate before slinging an arm around my shoulder,
ruffling my hair like I’m still 14.
X doesn’t think twice before wrestling me to the ground, laughing when I growl at them.
And when I bring it up—
when I try to joke about it,
when I ask why X is so sweet to other omegas but not me—
X just laughs.
Laughs.
And says,
"What? But you’re our little brother. We’d never see you that way."
And that’s the part that really gets me.
Because—
I don’t see X like a brother.
｡ ₊°༺❤︎༻°₊ ｡
I don’t know when it started,
when it became something deeper, something more.
Maybe it was always there,
growing in the spaces between the teasing and the inside jokes,
in the way X pulls me in without a second thought.
But it’s there.
And it’s ruining me.
｡ ₊°༺❤︎༻°₊ ｡
I hate how jealous I get when I see X being all gentlemanly with other omegas.
I hate how stupid my heart is for jumping every time X holds me too long,
touches me too casually.
I hate that I know, deep down,
that X doesn’t see me that way—
X never will.
｡ ₊°༺❤︎༻°₊ ｡
It’s stupid.
I’m stupid.
I should be grateful, right?
Any other omega would be thrilled to have alphas who don’t reduce them to instincts and traditions.
But—
I don’t want to be just their dongsaeng.
I don’t want to be their exception.
I want X to want me.
｡ ₊°༺❤︎༻°₊ ｡
I want them to hesitate before touching me, the way they do with other omegas.
I want them to stop and think before pulling me close.
I want their hands to linger for too long,
their gazes to last just a second longer than necessary.
I want them to be the ones struggling, for once.
But no.
X doesn’t struggle with me.
X is comfortable with me, the way they’ve always been.
Because I’m safe.
Because I don’t count.
｡ ₊°༺❤︎༻°₊ ｡
It drives me insane, the way they make it look so easy.
They’ll say things like,
"Chan, come here,"
and pull me into their side like it’s nothing.
They’ll drop an arm over my shoulders like I’m one of them,
not an omega.
And the worst part?
It used to make me happy.
｡ ₊°༺❤︎༻°₊ ｡
I used to love being included,
being treated like an equal.
I thought it meant I was special.
But now I know better.
Because when I see them with other omegas, I realize—
I’m not special.
I’m just different.
｡ ₊°༺❤︎༻°₊ ｡
They hesitate before touching other omegas.
They soften their voices.
They lower their gazes,
drop their heads when an omega scents too strongly,
give them space when they seem overwhelmed.
They’re careful.
But with me?
They’ve never been careful with me.
Because they don’t need to be.
Because I’m not someone they could ever see that way.
｡ ₊°༺❤︎༻°₊ ｡
And I wish—
God, I wish I could just accept that.
But I can’t.
Because when they pull me in without a second thought,
I think about it too much.
When they laugh and say I’m their little brother,
I hate how much it hurts.
When I see them act differently with others,
I hate how much it makes sense.
｡ ₊°༺❤︎༻°₊ ｡
It’s not their fault.
They promised nothing would change.
They kept their promise.
I’m the one who broke it.
-Lee Chan