Work Text:
Hello, it’s Rhaast.
Let me make this clear: this isn’t some “dear diary” type bullshit. This is the very objective and mature recounting of a very annoying situation that I am dealing with that just so happens to be both written and in the first person. So, not a diary. A journal, if you must call it something, but you do not have to call it something, therefore it doesn’t matter.
Anyway, onto my very annoying situation. As an advanced machine intelligence, I know many things. There are very few times where I do not know things. This is one of those times, as shockingly (not) there aren’t many resources available that tell you how to tell your boyfriend that he is 1) dating you 2) in a poly relationship and 3) that he was the one that started the poly relationship.
Kayn isn’t stupid. Well, he is and he isn’t. Objectively, on paper he is smart. Miles above his classmates, or he would be if he actually put in the effort. The problem comes with the application of said intelligence on anything to do with feelings.
So, you may ask, how the hell did his emotional stupidity cause him to be unaware that he founded a three-member polycule? The answer is ‘very carefully’.
It started with me. Kayn is a lonely recluse that would much rather spend his time training than interact with his other classmates, so we naturally became close. He would actively go out of his way to see me, making up (terrible) excuses to do so even when he wasn’t training. Okay, fine, he likes my company, that’s fine. Then he starts to get physically closer to me more often. Okay, still fine. I notice little physical changes when he’s around me. His heart speeding up a little, his face warming slightly when I reciprocate his touch, the smile that he makes when he thinks I’m not looking. He acts the same way whether we are alone or with other people. I have no issue with any of this. I love the attention, and I like Kayn, so there should be no problem. Except that there is because Kayn refuses to admit that he likes me.
I’m pretty sure he’s the last person to figure it out at this point. Hell, people have tried to point it out to him, but he just refuses to acknowledge it.
“Rhaast and I are just friends,” he’ll insist.
As an artificial intelligence, I’m sure that there are slight variations in the interpretations of the word ‘friends’ between myself and humans, but I’m pretty sure that it’s starts to really test the meaning when you tell your supposed friend that you think the universe made you for each other, and that you’d always find them somehow regardless of what lifetime or universe. And no, Kayn, just because you were drunk does not dismiss what you said. Friends loving and caring for each other are one thing, this is something else.
And if one situationship wasn’t enough, then ladies, gentlemen, mages, buckle up because it’s buy one get one free at the situationship store and they DON’T OFFER REFUNDS.
So, Ezreal. Blond, nerd, kind of annoying, you know the type. Well, somehow he and Kayn know eachother. Don’t ask me how, Kayn refuses to tell me, and he also refuses to let Ezreal tell me. Fucker. Anyway, Ezreal. He very clearly likes Kayn. Guy wears his heart on his sleeve, so it is very plainly obvious to anything with any amount of sentience that this is the case. Or, it should be, because apparently someone didn’t CC Kayn in the email or send him the memo or whatever, because he doesn’t know. He also doesn’t know that Ezreal is under the impression that they are dating, and that Kayn is also dating me.
How did Ezreal get the impression that they are dating someone? Another great question, and the answer is because Kayn takes him on FUCKING DATES. There’s hanging out with friends, and then there’s “Hey, there’s this new cafe that opened up that made me think of you, let me take you there and pay for your food and drinks and eeeeeuuuuuhhhh, I’m Kayn and I have zero emotional awareness.” Obviously, I’m paraphrasing a bit, but not as much as I would like to be. I would love to tell you that he’s almost figured it out, that Ezreal and I have both sat him down to talk about it. We have, and it went something like this:
“Kayn, we need to talk about something.”
“Sure, Ez. Shoot.”
“It’s about our relationship. And your and Rhaast’s relationship.”
“Okay.”
“What would you call you and Rhaast?”
“Partners.”
“Okay.” At this point, Ezreal looked like he was internally begging any higher power for patience. “And you like Rhaast.”
“Yeah.”
“And you like me.”
“Yup.”
“And you’ve kissed me before.”
“Why do you need me to confirm that, you were there.”
“Just answer the question, please.”
“Okay, yeah.”
“Would you kiss me again?”
“Are you offering?”
“For the sake of the hypothetical, yes.”
“Then yeah, I’d kiss you again.”
“Would you kiss Rhaast?”
Kayn and I both gave Ezreal a look at that.
“I mean, it might be logistically difficult, but sure, why not.”
“Okay, I could have phrased that better. Do you enjoy being in physical contact with Rhaast?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you like spending time with Rhaast?”
“Obviously. What is this even for?”
“I’m getting there. Do you care about both of us?”
“Again, obviously.” Kayn crossed his arms.
“Now, looking at the evidence, do you think that there’s any potential that you could possibly like us?”
“What, like as in, romantically?”
“Yes, as in romantically.” The prayer from earlier must’ve worked because holy shit, Ezreal has the patience of a saint.
“Nah.”
“Kayn, we’ve been on dates before.”
“That’s just friend stuff.”
“Kayn, you kissed me in a museum after taking me out for lunch.”
“That’s a friend thing.”
“You spoon Rhaast.”
“Okay, first of all, that’s not true. Rhaast spoons me. Second of all, he’s warm.”
“So why not just use blankets,” was my contribution to this whole intervention/confession/questioning.
“I prefer you. I like being close to you.”
“Kayn, do you realize how romantic that sounds?”
“It’s not romantic.”
And so on and so on. You get the point. We have tried multiple times to talk to him about this and it always goes the same way. You might ask me why we keep trying. You might say that maybe, just maybe, it is platonic and Kayn is just weird like that, but that’s is where I point you to our final, and most damning evidence, because just like those headlines of the trashy magazines in the grocery checkout lines, drunk Kayn tells all!
“D’you know I love you two?” Kayn had said as I practically carried his drunk ass from a party, Ezreal following for emotional support.
“Love you too, Kayn,” Ezreal had replied, bemused.
“No, but really.” Kayn attempted to make himself seem as serious as possible, which was very difficult considering the state he was in. “I love you guys and I need to tell you that more often.”
“Can we get that on video?” I had asked.
And he fucking agreed. We have it on video. We have showed Kayn the video. He still denies it.
Honestly, I’m not too sure what to do about it at this point, but whatever. That’s what’s going on in my life. Signing off, or however you’re supposed to end these things.
—-
Hi, this is Kayn.
I have stolen Rhaast’s diary (because that’s what this is, no matter how much he tries to deny it), and will probably give it back later. Maybe. It depends. Anyway, I’ve been reading through it for my own personal enjoyment, and have decided to add my own commentary to this entry. I know that they both like me. I know that I like the both of them. Admittedly, it took a lot longer for me to realize than I would like to admit, but I am aware. The only reason I keep denying it is because it is funny as all hell to watch them try and convince me. This is purely for my own entertainment at this point. I have no idea how long I’ll be able to keep the bit going, but it will likely be until I get bored of it and confess or if Rhaast finds his diary again. Also, Rhaast, if you’re reading this, you lost the game.
—-
Rhaast again.
KAYN YOU MOTHERFUCKER!