Archive of Our Own

John Walker is the best in the world at his job. He is the most decorated active soldier in the US army, one of the most decorated US soldiers to ever serve his country. He is strong, he is fast, he is smart. He leads his team into fight after fight, battle after battle, taking out the enemy and completing the objective every time. His peers recognize the skill he possesses as greatness. They are happy to serve with him, feel protected by his side. 

There is nobody better at being a soldier than he is. For his exemplary skill and dedication on the battlefield, the United States government offers him a promotion. 

John Walker is now Captain America. 

- 

Using the shield is a learning curve. It is lightweight but brutal. Completely inflexible and deadly to its enemies. It is a simple but savage weapon that protected the previous Captain America for 100 years, taking out everybody from Nazis to robots to aliens from space. It is the most famous weapon in the world, beloved by everybody. 

John can’t figure out how to use it. 

It is unlike any weapon he’s ever used before. Place any gun in front of him and he could strip it, clean it, put it back together and take out a moving target without breaking a sweat. Hand him a knife, and he could keep it sharp and bury it in any of the places he’s memorized on a person's body in order to make them bleed, to make them die. Give him nothing, and he could rip any enemy apart with his hands. 

But he has no idea what to do with the shield. How to hold it, how to throw it, how to use it. He has no idea how Steve Rogers ever survived slinging this thing around. It's completely impractical. 

It is an awkward shape, large enough that it is difficult to throw. It needs to be thrown exactly right in order to hit the target correctly, to bounce back to him or to the next target he wants it to hit. It doesn’t behave the way any metal he's ever seen before does. It doesn’t bounce the same way, recoil from impact the same. Hell, it doesn’t even make the same sound when it hits the ground and spins like some deadly 100 year old spinning top. 

He spends hours in a field they’ve set up for him to practice, just him and the trees and Lemar. At first, they had a camera crew, one set up to watch the birth of the new Captain America, to record him in all his greatness. 

After the first hour of miserably failed attempts, they pack up their cameras and tell him to let them know when he’s figured it out, and they’ll come back to film him then. 

Eventually, he looks to his predecessor. Tries to find out how Steve Rogers threw the shield and emulate that. If it worked for Steve, it should work for him. 

He finds old news footage from the Battle of New York, then the Battle of Sokovia. He even finds some old grainy black and white footage from back during World War 2, the birthplace of Captain America. Watches clip after clip of Steve Rogers slinging that shield at enemy after enemy, watches the shield come back to him, watches it land on his arm as his feet hit the ground, standing tall in all his glory. (Wonders how anyone could ever expect him to live up to that).

He pays attention to Steve’s technique, hands his phone back to Lemar, and throws the shield. It hits the target, comes back, and he reaches to catch it before it hits the ground in front of him. 

Three bones shatter in his hands. 

-

They fit him for the Captain America uniform. It is supposed to pay homage to the numerous versions Steve Rogers wore, but with a more modern twist. 

“A modern twist for a modern man”, one woman jokes. She measures the length of his arms.

He looks in the mirror as they put him together. The costume is complicated, but good. Protective, armoured in all the right places. Hinges at the arms for maximum range of motion. High quality leather for his combat boots. Reinforced helmet for protecting his head and stopping grenades. Straps over his shoulders and across his back to hold the shield. A great utility belt that he can fill with any supplies he needs or wants. There's even a thigh holster for his sidearm. 

The colours of his costume are brighter, more vibrant, than almost anything that Steve wore. It looks like a reinforced version of the cobbled together costume they put him in in the Battle of New York, only weeks after they pulled him out of the ice and smashed to pieces any idea that they had left Captain America behind in 1945. 

The stripes of the American flag across his chest are horizontal instead of vertical like they were for Steve. The strap of his helmet is too tight around his chin. The woman pulls at the leather across his back. He feels it tighten around his chest. He feels like he can’t breathe. 

He asks for reinforced gloves.

-

They make the official announcement that he’s Captain America. He’s known for a few weeks, but they finally put together a press release to tell the public. He puts on the costume again, this time all by himself in the barracks, and lets himself be toted out in front of the crowd. Listens as a government official declares him Captain America to the United States of America, to the world, on behalf of the Global Repatriation Council and the United States Department of Defense. Listens as he says that America is in need of a hero, one that is good, one that can be a symbol and an inspiration to Americans everywhere. Listens as he says that the new Captain America embodies everything the American people need, all their values, everything they hold dear. He listens as they heap expectation after expectation onto his shoulders. 

When they call for him (call for Captain America, not John Walker, never John Walker) he steps through the doors. Waves to the crowd. Shakes the hand of the government official, whose name he probably should remember but doesn’t. He’s sweating.

When he's not waving it towards the crowd, he holds the shield in front of him. He smiles and waves some more, winks at the camera. Stands proud, shows off the shield he spent way too long shining before this and the new costume they’ve put him in.

His new gloves are stiff around his still healing palms. Sweat is trickling down his back. His gun stays holstered at his side. 

They play footage on the news of him along with the official statement. They scrounged together footage from his time overseas on missions, from his days in the academy, they even found some film from his high school football games. A lot of the footage is terrible quality, shaky images with indiscernible audio. 

They play footage of him practicing with the shield in the field. The image is crystal clear. He hits the targets every time. He is wearing gloves. 

-

They send him to event after event, interview after interview. He is starting to think this might be all Captain America does. Interviews. Politics. Smiling for cameras. 

Then he remembers searching through YouTube videos of Captain America, and most of the results being footage from fights. Thinks maybe it’s just him. 

He’s not bad at this, is the thing. He’s charismatic, he’s charming. He was the captain of his high school football team, he’s been in charge of one team or another in the military for a very long time. He knows how to get people to like him, how to kiss ass, how to smile at the right times, make the right jokes and say the right things. This is not foreign to him, but it’s not the job. This is not what he signed up for. He joined the military, became Captain America, to help people. To save the country, the world. 

When he talks to Lemar, he tells him that this is the job. That shaking hands and going to Senator meetings is part of what it means to be Captain America. Says there’s a lot of weight on his shoulders. Tells John that he can’t just punch his way out of problems anymore, that there are expectations, as if that's not all John can think about. As if he sometimes wonders now if the expectations are all he’s made of. 

Olivia tells him to forget the expectations, to just be himself, that it’s enough. He’s not sure that it is. She smiles at him as if she knows everything he’s thinking. She probably does, she loves him that much. 

She looks beautiful, with her tv outfit on and her hair done. She’s Captain America’s wife now, and that comes with expectations too. He wants to ask her how she lives with them. How she can breathe under their weight. How she can even talk to him, smiling and as beautiful as ever, when he’s the one who put that weight on her shoulders. 

He loses his train of thought in her eyes. Thinks that maybe if being himself got him her, it could get him anything else. That together, her and him and Lemar, they can figure this Captain America thing out. 

He unzips the garment bag, puts on the suit, and tells himself it's time to get to work. 

-

He signs autographs, he takes pictures, he gives speeches. He goes from place to place feeling more like a zoo attraction than a soldier. Everywhere he goes, everything he does, is a spectacle. He thinks back to what Lemar said. Worries that this is going to be the rest of his life. 

They ask him what it’s like, to be Captain America. He says things about it being an honour (because it's true) and how there’s nowhere else he’d rather be (he’s starting to think that’s not). He talks about Steve Rogers, and being a hero without gadgets and super strength. Talks about having big shoes to fill. Tries to say anything that doesn’t sound like I’m worried I’ll fail and I’m fucking terrified of it. 

He talks about how Steve Rogers feels like a brother to him, how he’s inspired by him, how he’s been modeling his work after him since he came out of the ice. It’s almost all fake, but that’s what this gig is. Lying to the cameras, making himself likable, so that the American people will trust that he can protect them. Because apparently being able to smile for the cameras means that he can kill an enemy good enough for their liking. 

He thinks about the people out there that actually knew Steve Rogers. Thinks that between the blip and the battle with Thanos, that list is significantly smaller than the already minuscule length it was before. Wonders what they think of him picking up this shield, taking on their friend’s legacy. Wonders what they expect of him. Adds them to the list of the ever growing weight on his shoulders. 

-

He and Lemar plan things out for their first mission. They don’t know what it is yet, but they want to be ready.

He sinks into the rhythm of preparing for battle, of getting a team ready for an op. While the specifics are different, the basics are the same. This is what he’s used to. This is what he’s good at. This is what they made him Captain America for.

He lets Lemar practice a few times with the shield. Says he should at least know how to handle it if it comes down to it in the heat of battle. He’s not very good at it. Almost breaks his finger before he lets John show him how to hold the shield properly, tells him to try not to catch it on its edge, but by the straps on the inside for his arms. 

At the end, Lemar is passable at best, and shakes his hand out like he just spent a few hours at the shooting range in the middle of the night, hitting targets hoping it would make him forget why he was awake in the first place. 

Lemar cracks a joke about getting himself some reinforced gloves. John smiles and lets out a laugh like it's funny. It’s not. 

-

Lemar asks for a codename. Says he needs something to be called if they’re going to be going on ops together.

John asks why he can’t just be called Sergeant Hoskins like he usually is. 

Lemar throws back that he’s Captain America’s partner now, and that comes with perks. 

“Look at all the people Steve Rogers went into battle with: Black Widow, Falcon, Iron Man. Not a single one of them rolled into battle just getting called Sergeant. I need something too.”

There was one, John thinks. He went by Sergeant Barnes. Then he died. Thinks that this parallel is not something he should welcome with open arms.

“Alright, Lemar. What did you have in mind?”

Lemar cheers, and John tries to ignore the feeling of this new fear settling into his stomach, this new weight falling on his shoulders. 

-

John’s first instruction as Captain America is to deal with the Flag Smashers, a terrorist group on the rise the government doesn’t know much about. They tell him Falcon and the Air Force have encountered them, and they want him to take over, as part of helping the GRC keep things stable so they can put the world back together again. 

He and Lemar use the Falcon’s drone to track down the location of the Flag Smasher’s next operation that Sam Wilson is currently crashing. The Flag Smashers are smuggling vaccines. John isn’t sure why, but they need to find out and put a stop to it. 

Apparently Wilson also brought Bucky Barnes with him. Previously, he hadn’t been seen in action since the final battle against Thanos six months ago. Before that, in the loss against Thanos that led to the blip. Before that had been his final stint as the Winter Soldier, tearing apart the Avengers signing the Accords like they were cotton candy. 

Bucky Barnes is not a man that likes to be seen, nor a man that seems to like interacting with the public any more than is strictly necessary. John now has access to the surveillance information on him that the US government has as a condition of his pardon. Or maybe it's not, and they just want to keep an eye on him. 

Either way, John knows that Bucky has barely left his apartment in the six months since he settled there. He certainly hasn’t been doing ops for the Air Force with Sam, so John wonders what he’s doing here. Tries to ignore the fact that this is the first mission Sam has been on since the shield he handed over to the Smithsonian was given to him, and John was made the next official Captain America. 

He puts his suit on, fist bumps Lemar, and tells himself it's time to get to work. Who cares about a few more expectations?

-

Saying John’s first op as Captain America was a failure would be an understatement. He and Lemar drop from their helicopter onto the tops of the trucks, where Sam and Bucky are already engaged in a fight with the Flag Smashers. They were getting their asses kicked, but still do not seem happy to see him. 

They fight the Flag Smashers, and given the way they blow through all four of them with minimal difficulty, including Bucky and his super soldier serum, they are not regular humans, and this is all a lot more serious than they thought it was. 

At one point during the fight, Bucky catches the shield, stopping it cold with nothing but his fingertips. John had thrown it full force. He grimaces and purposefully doesn’t think of his aching hands under his reinforced gloves. 

Lemar is quickly overwhelmed by two of the Flag Smashers. He calls for help, and John makes a shot that would make him the talk of the town back in the army. The kind of shot they’d probably spend the rest of their lives talking about and reminiscing on. Now he’s Captain America. All the shot feels like is a failure. 

Lemar gets thrown off the trucks, and John only just manages to get the shield under him in time. He gets thrown off the truck soon after, one kick from the tiny woman sending him flying off the roof and into the windshield of the car behind them. 

His whole body aches. The Flag Smashers get away. 

-

The talk with Sam and Bucky afterwards doesn't go any better than the fight. 

They tell him they were fighting super soldiers, and they have no interest in fighting them with him. 

Bucky is particularly resistant. Says that just because he carries that shield, doesn’t mean he’s Captain America. It cuts at the core of John, at what he’s spent the entire time since being handed the shield worrying about. This is Captain America’s best friend, the man who watched the legacy of the shield go from nothing to everything. The one who knew the man underneath before he was anything. Who would know better than any other person alive what it means to be Captain America. 

He explains how he’s done the work, talks about the reinforced helmet to protect his team from grenades, because he desperately needs these guys to like him. More than anyone else, he wants their approval. Wants these people who fought by Steve Rogers side to fight by his. To trust him. To think he can do this.

He sees them and thinks of things like the Avengers. How they were Captain America’s responsibility. Thinks maybe someday . Hopes he won’t crumble under their weight too, a team full of super people, while he’s just a regular guy. 

He loses Bucky completely when Lemar introduces himself and his code name. Takes a moment to think Lemar has that code name because of you . Doesn’t say it. 

He tries to explain himself to Sam, who seems to be the more level headed of the two. Maybe that’s because he didn’t know Steve, didn’t know Captain America, the way Bucky did. Maybe that was just who he was as a person. John doesn’t know. 

He tells Sam he doesn’t want to be Steve, he just wants to be good at this job. Tries to say, I can never be Steve Rogers, but I can be good at this. I am good at this. I help people . 

He makes a comment about Bucky and Sam being Cap’s wingmen, because they were. Thinks that if he plays his cards right, they could be again. Knows that if he says that, he’ll lose Sam. 

Sam gets out of the truck a moment later anyways. He and Lemar drive back to the airport alone. 

-

They figure out the small girl leading the Flag Smasher’s name is Karli Morgenthau, and the group has been spotted all over Central and Eastern Europe. 

He wants to let Sam and Bucky know, give them another opportunity to work together on this, but Bucky’s been arrested for missing court-mandated therapy.

John knows that it's a condition of his pardon, doing these therapy sessions, but he wants his help on this. Sees that Bucky’s therapist is Christina. Knows that she likes him, considers him a friend. Thinks that getting Bucky out of this would be a good way to win him over. Thinks he’ll like him more, might support him being Captain America, if he does this for him. 

He calls some people, makes some orders, and Bucky is completely cleared and released before John even gets to the precinct.

He sees Sam and Christina, throws around the fact that he is the government, that what he wants is what happens, hopes that if just the idea of working together instead of apart isn’t enough to draw in Sam, then the freedom and power that comes with being important to the US government is. 

He heads outside to wait, knowing a therapy session is a condition of Bucky’s release, because while this new Captain America name is powerful, there are still limits. 

He calls Bucky and Sam over to talk when they finally step outside. Bucky picks at him the whole time, antagonizing him like he's a particularly stupid child, like it's a ridiculous chore for him to even breathe the same air as John. 

When Sam barely listens to him before turning him down flat, after listening to all his intel and giving him nothing, his blood boils. 

Being Captain America is terrifying, and full of way too many speeches and not enough action, but it is supposed to give him this . A team. Respect. These people are supposed to like him, to look to him. 

Steve Rogers led the Avengers, had heroes from all over the world, all over the universe, look to him for guidance, for leadership. John can’t even get two guys in this business to take him seriously. The idea itches at him. He picks at his gloves. 

He calls out to them one last time, not in an attempt to build bridges, but to burn them. If they aren’t going to appreciate his kindness and camaraderie, then they will fear his strength. If he can’t be a teammate, he's going to be a threat you don’t cross. 

He tells them to stay out of his way. The threat isn’t stated, but they're smart enough to pick up on it. 

-

John and Lemar continue to track down any traces left behind of the Flag Smashers. They start by infiltrating civilian places that were identified as locations the Flag Smashers were welcomed to use as hideouts.

The bust into a hideout in Munich. It's a local business of some kind. People are screaming. They’re civilians. He interrogates the guy who seems like he runs the place, figures the best source of information is the guy at the top. 

John gets in his face, asks him questions, but the man is unbothered. He lies right to his face, not even having the decency to try to be subtle about it. 

When John pushes him on it, he spits in his face, and John flies off the handle. 

How dare these people disrespect him. He is Captain America, he has the shield, has the entire United States government, the entire GRC, at his back. He is the greatest soldier of his generation. He has spent his entire life working his ass off to earn this. And these people, this criminal, Sam Wilson, Bucky Barnes, they spit in his face, acting like the years of his life that he has, unendingly and without question, dedicated to protecting the lives of the American people and of the world mean nothing. Like anything that he brings to the table isn’t enough, because he’s not Steve Rogers. Because he’s not a super soldier. 

He shoves the man against the wall, screams in his face “Do you know who I am?” His voice cracks, spittle flying from his mouth and landing on the cheek of the man he’s holding against the wall. 

He just looks at him. Says “Yes I do, and I don’t care”. 

John wipes the spit off his face, drops the man, and leaves. Lemar is quick to follow. 

-

Outside, Lemar is trying to comfort him, trying to be rational about this, saying they’ve exhausted all their options but they’ll find something else, but John can barely hear him. His hands are shaking. 

Lemar says that Morgenthau has given these people food and medicine, is helping them stay alive and together when no else is, and that creates loyalty. 

All John can think is and the years of protection, of blood, sweat, and tears shed for their safety doesn’t?

-

He tracks Sam and Bucky’s last known location, learns that they were at the prison Zemo was being held in the day he escaped. Realizes that if anybody knows what's going on with super soldiers anywhere in the world, it’s Helmut Zemo, and nobody would know that better than the Winter Soldier did. 

He keeps an eye on the news, knowing that Bucky and Sam, and more specifically the prisoner they dragged with them, are the only good leads to finding the Flag Smashers. 

The news says they’ve been spotted in Riga, Latvia, so John and Lemar make their way there. 

When John finds Bucky and Sam, wandering the streets of Latvia with an international criminal loose and out in the open, fucking around with a super soldier international terrorist at large, his blood boils. 

They have no respect for him, don’t believe in his ability to be Captain America, to make the right decisions when it comes down to it, but they do shit like this? Break the law, wandering the streets of foreign countries with criminals in plain sight, going behind his back at every turn just to do what they want. And then, they have the audacity to think they can do all this and not even be noticed by him? That he’s too stupid, too bad at this work, at being Captain America, that he could never figure out what it is they’re up to?

They look at him, and all they see are all the ways he isn’t Steve Rogers. Well, at the end of the day, Steve Rogers is dead and he isn’t. He’s Captain America, the only one here with official backing from the government and the shield in his hands. They’re just going to have to get used to it, or get out of his way. 

When they start to lay out a plan, looping John in, the rage eases a little. He starts to fill in the details, gestures to Lemar to get things going, when Sam interrupts him again, saying that he wants to try talking to her . 

Sam wants to give up what might be their only opportunity to stop the person blowing up and killing innocent people because he wants to try to make her see reason . The naivety makes him want to throw up. If this is how the Avengers used to do things, no wonder they fell apart at the seams. 

Sam tries to throw experience in his face, says he used to counsel veterans, that he knows how these things go. Says this to John like he didn’t serve himself, like he isn’t still serving, like he doesn’t know better than anyone else what war does to you, what kind of person you become in the face of so much trauma. 

Says all this to John like this doesn’t back his point even more, that calling Morgenthau a soldier makes this a war, and in war you don’t talk down enemy soldiers. You take them out. In war there is no room for redemption, for kindness. There is only you, the man beside you, and the man across from you trying to kill you. There’s no righteous decision to be made, no moral high ground. Just the mud and a gun in your hands and people to protect. 

He eventually relents when Lemar chimes in, saying there could be a lot less bloodshed, that things could have a much happier ending, if they can bring her in peacefully. He concedes, deciding to see how this one plays out and to intervene when it all goes to shit, and follow Zemo to Morgenthau. 

The moment Sam steps away to talk to Morgenthau, he cuffs Zemo to the wall. If Sam’s going to ruin this mission, the least John can do is come away with one little win. Returning Zemo to prison is going to look good in the face of the losses he keeps going home with. 

He gives Sam a hard deadline of ten minutes. Thinks get your failure over with quickly so that I can go and fix it.  

-

John sits on the ground, staring at the shield, and thinks of expectations. Thinks of the pressure that’s on them, on him , thinks about how everyone looks at him and expects him to fix this, to figure this out. Thinks of the neverending weight on his shoulders that gets heavier with every minute that Karli Morgenthau walks free. 

Thinks about how he can’t let his first true battle be a loss, his first true objective go unmet. 

Thinks about Olivia, how she told him to just be himself, and rest would fall into place. How everything he’s doing right now, the sitting and waiting while another man, just a regular guy, goes in to try to talk down a super soldier alone , goes against his every instinct. He’s waiting for someone to try to talk down a super soldier . Someone who has, in the past few days, proven that he can’t make the right decision, the smart decision, to save his life. Someone who, both he and his partner, haven’t listened to anything he had to say, haven’t appreciated or utilized any of his expertise. 

He stands up, and makes a decision. 

He makes a jab at Barnes when he tries to stop him, throwing the serum in his face. Asks him if he wants Sam to die cause he just sat here and wouldn’t get off his ass. All that serum, running through his veins, making it so that anything he wants to do is within his reach, and he sits there and does nothing. Lets other people get killed so that he doesn’t have to do the dirty work. 

Barnes lets him through. He straps the shield onto his arm. Time to get to work. 

-

It takes one hit for Morgenthau to send him flying, for her super serum strength to knock him on his ass. She runs. Bucky follows. So does Sam, at a slower pace. He dusts himself off and runs in a different direction, trying to cut Morgenthau off if Bucky and Sam lose her. 

He follows the sound of the gunshots, and comes across Zemo standing alone, waving a gun in the air as he stomps something on the ground. Glass is shattering. He hears the slam of a door that must be Morgenthau running off. 

He throws the shield, hitting Zemo in the side of the head and knocking him out cold. 

He looks at the ground, at the shattered pile of glass and blue liquid, and realizes this must be the stash of serum the Flag Smashers had gotten their hands on. Zemo is notoriously avidly against the existence of the super soldier serum, and super soldiers in general, so he must’ve identified it and attempted to destroy it before anyone could use it. 

John examines the stash, completely destroyed and wasted , soaking into the soil underneath the tile, until his eyes wander to one more vial, off to the side tucked between a few jugs of water. It must’ve rolled away from the pile when the stash hit the ground. 

He picks it up, stares at it. Thinks of all the times that Morgenthau and the other Flag Smashers have incapacitated him, removed him from a fight without breaking a sweat. Looks past the serum and sees the extra plating in the palms of his gloves, how despite all that his hands are still aching.

He slips the serum in his pocket. 

-

After the total failure that was this op, he decides enough is enough, and tracks down Sam and Bucky to take Zemo back to prison. 

He storms into their hotel room, demanding custody of Zemo, and Sam laughs in his face. Says he’s got no authority here, like the shield and the name Captain America mean nothing to him. Says that Zemo has actually been helpful while blaming John for the failure of the op, as if it wasn’t Sam’s batshit insane idea to even try that op in the first place. It was doomed for failure from the start. 

He puts the shield down, laughing in the face of Sam’s never ending condescension. Practically begs him to prove himself wrong. Thinks, if you’re going to run your mouth this much, I’ll show you why they chose me to be Captain America. I’ll show you I’m worthy of this mantle, of this legacy, of your respect. 

He reaches forward to throw the first punch when a spear flies past his face. 

He turns around as the woman starts speaking to Bucky in another language. From the look of them, they must be from Wakanda. John knows Bucky spent some time there, before Thanos came to Earth and wiped out half the human population. Knows that Zemo is the one who really killed their former king. Knows Wakanda is not the type of place to take that kind of thing lightly. 

He introduces himself, and the woman just looks at him, the same condescension he gets from Bucky and Sam just oozing from her. She doesn’t even dignify him with a response. 

Sam tries to tell him to back off, warns him that he’ll get his ass kicked if he tries to fight the Dora Milaje. 

Sam seems to think he couldn’t fight his way out of a paper bag. He ignores him.

He tries to fix things, to restart the conversation with the woman in charge of the Dora, but the moment he puts a hand on her shoulder she lashes out. 

Before the fight even really starts, it's lost. They send him flying across the room, slamming his back into one of their vibranium spears. He doesn’t even get a hit in. They pick him and Lemar apart like it’s nothing, sitting Lemar on his ass and trapping him against the table with a spear threaded through the straps of the shield. They threw the spear so hard he can’t get it out, can barely wiggle his arm out of the straps so that he can move. 

They free his shield for him and pick it up. At the command of her leader, the Dora in front of him drops it in his lap and leaves without a second glance. 

His whole body is aching, so much so that he feels like he can’t even stand. They wiped the floor with him, picking him apart like cotton candy, like it was just any other day. He’s supposed to be the best, has the weight of the entire world's expectations sitting on his shoulders, and he can’t even beat a couple of people who aren’t even super soldiers. Can’t even make them break a sweat. 

Lemar has to help him up. Sam glares at him as he passes. The serum weighs heavy in his pocket. 

-

They’re standing in a coffee shop, recuperating, when John asks Lemar the question. There’s a never ending weight on his shoulders, the weight of the serum in his pocket, he just needs it to let up for a minute. Needs someone to take the weight of this decision from him. 

Lemar says he’d take it, no hesitation in his voice. John asks why, aren’t you worried it will change you? Aren’t you worried about any of it, all of it? Don’t you feel that weight? Aren’t you afraid of what happens if you fail?

Lemar says that power just makes a person more of themselves. Compares John to Steve Rogers. John is getting really tired of being compared to Steve Rogers. 

Lemar brings up the medals of honour, says they prove that John is the Steve Rogers type and not the Karli Morgenthau type. That the serum will only make John better , both as a man and as Captain America. 

John thinks of what he did to earn those medals of honour, thinks about what happened on the worst day of his life. Thinks about the lives they did lose, about the things they did, he did , in order to ensure as few people died as possible, that the mission objective was completed. Thinks that none of those things and the word honour should ever be in the same sentence. 

Thinks, how can anything I did that day make me right for this? How can they look at what I did and say that I was the right one for this job?

Tells Lemar that being Captain America is the first time he’s done something that actually felt right. Says that this is the first time what they do has actually felt like saving people. 

He doesn’t want to fail these people he’s sworn to protect, that believe in him, that expect his protection, but he also doesn’t want to fail himself. Doesn’t want to lose this one good thing he’s finally carved out for himself. Worries that the serum may ruin that, may ruin him.

Then Lemar says “But God, imagine how many lives we could’ve saved that day if we had that serum.” And suddenly it doesn’t feel like a decision at all. 

This is not about him, or what it does to him. Being Captain America is all about saving as many people as you can, discovering it’s not enough, and doing anything you can to make that number higher, to be ready to save more the next time. 

This job is all about saving lives. The serum would’ve saved a lot of lives that day. He refuses to let that level of casualties ever happen again. It doesn’t matter what it does to him. People will survive, will get to live, because of him.

He knows what he has to do. Sacrifice in the line of duty is nothing new to him. That, he can do. 

-

They manage to track down Morgenthau, because she’s been making calls, left a message on Sam Wilson’s phone telling him where to meet her. Did that after threatening his sister. John thinks that, knowing Sam, he’ll still think there’s something in her worth saving. Scoffs. 

When gearing up for the mission, he hides himself in the bathroom to get changed. Pulls the serum out of his pocket and sets it on the counter. Hunts through his utility belt to find the needles he keeps stashed in there, just in case he needs to administer some serious painkillers on the battlefield. 

He unscrews the vial, draws the serum into the syringe. Puts the full needle against the vein in his arm they always use every time they draw his blood, whether it's to run experiments and tests on his above average body, or to check to make sure his injuries are fine and he’ll be ready for duty tomorrow. 

Takes a breath, realizes this is the last moment to back out. Thinks about it. Thinks about his worries about how the serum might change him. Thinks about what kind of man it might make him. Looks at the purpling bruises on his ungloved hands. Plunges the needle in and pushes. 

-

The next two minutes are the worst two minutes of his entire life. 

He’s felt a lot of pain in his life. Between being a football player in high school, to joining the military and running ops that would make grown men cry, he had thought there was no type of pain he hadn’t experienced. No injury, no torture, no ache or pain he hadn’t put his body through. 

Nothing he’s ever experienced comes anywhere close to this. 

His whole body is on fire, like acid running through his veins. His bones ache, he can feel his muscles growing and shifting, the suit tightening as it bulges in places where muscle never used to be. He grabs onto the counter and holds on for dear life, biting his lip so hard it's bloody to try to hold back his screams. 

After two agonizing minutes, the pain slows. Stops. He wipes the sweat off his face. Looks down at where he was gripping the counter to find it shattered under his fingers. Lifts his hand. Looks. 

There’s not a single bruise on his palm. 

-

He and Lemar enter the building where Morgenthau is hiding with their guns out and ready. They don’t plan on taking prisoners. 

They’re in the building for less than a minute before Lemar is captured. His gun on the ground, with him nowhere to be seen. 

He fights the first Flag Smasher he comes across. Relishes in how easy it is. He throws the shield so hard it cuts halfway through a stone pillar. He’d barely put any weight behind it. 

Now that he’s on a level playing field with them, the Flag Smashers are almost a joke. They’re teenagers, and he’s got decades of fighting experience under his belt. 

He flings the Flag Smasher through the door, all the way down the stairs. Bends a metal pipe around his hands like its putty. Throws him to the ground so hard he runs away. 

Sam asks “What did you do?”

All he can reply is “They’ve got Lemar.”

Because that’s what this is all about. Being Captain America is all about helping the other guy, about saving people no matter what. What he does himself isn’t important. As long as people are being saved, who cares how he did it?

-

They run after the Flag Smashers, finding a group of them hiding in an open room. They fight them, avoiding the hundred different knives they have on them. 

All John can think about is how much easier this is now with the serum. Each hit he takes he barely feels, and the damage heals almost immediately. Every time he hits one of them, they recoil and hurt just like a normal person always has under his hands. Everytime he catches the shield, he barely feels it hitting his hands. He may have to get rid of the extra padding in his gloves. 

He’s made himself an even match. Leveled the playing field. Now, being Captain America will be so much easier, and he will save so many more lives. The weight on his shoulders lifts, just a little bit. 

Then, before he can blink, he’s fighting two Flag Smashers at once. They’ve got him held down, open and vulnerable, while Morgenthau runs toward him, ready to plunge her knife into his chest. He wonders how much damage that would actually do. 

Before he ever has to find out, he catches sight of Lemar out of the corner of his eye. He’s running towards Morgenthau, leaps at her to tackle her out of the way, and John thanks God, not for the first time, that he has Lemar Hoskins watching his back. 

The gratitude doesn’t last long. He’s still being held down, and forgets that for all his newfound super strength, Lemar is just a regular guy. 

Morgenthau turns around, trying to get Lemar off her, and punches him so hard he slams into the stone pillar ten feet away. He hits it with a sickening crack. He slumps. Blood trickles from his mouth. He isn’t moving. 

The whole room seems to freeze. Everyone stops just to stare. The guy holding him lets go, but all John can think about is Lemar. Lemar, who's been his best friend for as long as he can remember. Who played football with him, who enlisted in the army with him. Who’s been by his side through everything, from figuring out how to propose to Olivia to having his back on the worst night of his life. Lemar has been his rock for as long as he can remember. He doesn’t know, hasn’t ever even wanted to consider, how to do this without him. 

He rushes over, holds Lemar’s face in his hands. Begs for him to wake up. 

He doesn’t. 

-

The grief is eating him up inside. It’s all he can feel. Just overwhelming wave after wave of debilitating grief. 

The Flag Smashers run off, Sam and Bucky soon to follow, and all he can do is sit there, holding Lemar’s still warm face in his hands.

It settles in him, like a rock, the realization that Lemar is dead. That he will never walk into battle by his side every again. Won’t ever hear him crack one of his godforsaken jokes about John failing drama class again. Won’t ever go home to his place for a holiday on leave, bringing Oliva with him to have one big family dinner again. 

Lemar will never wake up again. Karli Morgenthau took that from him, with one hit to the chest.

With that thought, all John can feel is anger. It rises in him like a tidal wave. Destructive, devastating, all-consuming. They killed Lemar, and ran away like they didn’t just bring his entire world crashing to the ground. Like they didn’t just kill his best friend, and one of the best men he’s ever known. 

He stands up. Picks up the shield. Jumps through the window. 

It’s time to get to work. 

-

The moment he jumps through the window, he spots one of the Flag Smashers. It’s not Morgenthau, but he doesn’t care. If they all want to wear masks, unite themselves as “one people” he’ll treat them as such. 

With the strength of the serum, this fight, one-on-one, is barely a fight. He throws the shield at the man, hitting him in the back, the chest, over and over and over again. He barely feels the recoil each time he catches it. 

He pins the man on the steps of a concrete monument. Plants his foot on his chest. The man begs for his life, but all John can see is the cooling corpse of his best friend leaned against a pillar. 

He lifts the shield and drives it down into the man's chest. There is blood everywhere: on his face, on the shield. 

With his new strength, the man’s chest caves apart under his blows like paper mache, He doesn’t break a sweat. 

He stands up, straps the shield to his arm, and looks around to see people everywhere staring, horrified. He realizes what he’s done, on what scale he’s done it. Realizes so many people filmed it. Knows what this will mean for him, for his future as Captain America, feels the expectations slipping from his shoulders, shedding all that weight he was wearing like a second skin. Thinks that at any other time, this would hurt. That knowing he’s about to lose this, this shield, this mantle, this legacy, would ache down to his bones. But right now, all he has room to hurt for is Lemar. 

At the end of the day, he can’t find it in himself to regret it. He owes it to Lemar, for dragging him into this, for not being able to save him. Lemar deserves justice, deserves vengeance, and while this is a good start, it is not the end. 

He thinks to himself I am a soldier. This is what soldiers do. What else did you expect from me?

-

When he finally plucks up the strength to move, he runs. Runs as fast as he can, towards nowhere particular, just anywhere that wasn’t here . 

The scene keeps replaying in his head, behind his eyes, over and over again. He can hear Lemar’s voice in his head. Takes a moment to think that he will probably never stop seeing it, never stop hearing him. 

No matter what happens with this shield, with this mantle, this moment will follow him for the rest of his life. He will never escape. He will never stop hearing that sickening crack. 

He screams, falls to his knees. Tears are leaking out of his eyes. There is blood smeared all over his hands. 

He leans on the shield, his head bowed as if in prayer, and falls apart. 

-

He’s not sure how long he sits there before Sam and Bucky arrive. All he knows is that it's going to be messy, but he has work to do. Lemar’s killer is still out there, breathing air while Lemar sits cold and dead. 

He stands, walks over to Sam and Bucky. They speak to him gently, like he's some child that needs to be coddled. Look at him with a layer of disgust, as if what he did was so wrong. Bucky talks to him, looks at him, like what he did was evil. Like there wasn’t any blood on his hands. As if the entire world didn’t watch, time and time again, what Steve Rogers would do in the name of Bucky Barnes. 

Sam mentions his record, that if he explains his story and comes peacefully and quietly they’ll let him off easy. Considers the wife he has waiting at home, the baby they’ve been thinking about having. Considers the money needed to do that, the job he’ll need to support her. 

Then he considers Lemar’s slack face, skin cooling beneath his hands. Thinks about how Olivia told him to be himself, and the rest would follow. 

John Walker is a soldier. That is who he is. Soldiers fight. They do not go quietly. They do what needs to be done and go to bed knowing that even if they can’t sleep, even if their hands don’t ever stop shaking, the world is better for it. The world is better because of them. 

He laughs. Tells them they don’t want to do this. Sam was someone he could beat even before the serum. This will be a fight they won’t walk away from unharmed. 

All Bucky says is “Yeah, we do.” 

The fight is brutal. Bucky and Sam are good, but so is John. He manages most of the fight by knocking out one of them and fighting with the other.

They both beg each other not to do this. Sam tells him this isn’t him. John asks why they’re making him do this. 

John is Captain America. No matter what they say, he is. The government, the military, they made him this. There is nothing anyone can do to take this away from him. There is serum coursing through his veins, the shield is on his arm, they made the costume just for him. There is nothing they can do to him that can take that away. This is who he is. 

In the end, he rips the wings from Sam’s suit, but Bucky and Sam break his arm and hit him so hard he doesn’t remember much else. 

They could’ve been a team, but instead they’re here, bleeding out on the floor of a warehouse, fighting over something that was awarded to him , something that he is now, not something that he has. 

When he wakes up, Sam and Bucky are gone. So is the shield. 

-

They barely take the time to patch him up before they shepherd him off to a disciplinary hearing. 

He’s struggling to put on his dress uniform with his arm in a sling when Olivia walks in. 

She smiles a bittersweet, watery smile at him. Tell him that everything is going to be okay. That he’s home now, they’re together, and they’ll figure it out. 

He tells her Lemar is dead. She says she knows. 

He tells her he was trying his best, that he was just trying to be himself, to be the best Captain America he could be. He didn’t mean to fail them. 

She kisses him, sweetly, softly. Says he still is Captain America. Tells him not to let them take that away from him. 

He kisses her. She helps him with the uniform. Does up his tie, pins all his medals to his chest. 

He only winces a little whenever she has to adjust the sling. 

When she's finished, she hooks her pinky in his and kisses her hand, in that special way that's just for them. He kisses back. Tries to act like his world isn’t falling apart. With her hand in his, he thinks he can pull it together. 

-

In the hearing, they rip him apart. There is no listening to his side of the story, or considering his record. They say that considering his record is the only reason he’s not already in prison. 

They go on about their mandates, about their rules. About how there is no negotiation. That he should be grateful they are being as gracious as they are. 

Every time they say that word, his hands twitch as he rages . It makes him want to tear it all down, to scream and scream and scream until they finally understand. Mandates . He knows exactly what their mandates are. He has dedicated his entire life, his blood, sweat and tears, to their mandates. Everything he’s ever been was poured into their mandates, and he was spit back out the other side exactly what they wanted him to be. 

They wanted a soldier, they trained a soldier, they got a soldier. He is everything that they made him. Nothing more, nothing less. They told him to jump, he said ‘sir yes sir’ and asked how high. He is the best product ever created in this century by the United States military. They asked him to be a great soldier, and when he listened they spit in his face. 

He did exactly what they taught him to, made him exactly who he is, but apparently, it wasn’t enough. 

He gave them everything, and now they give him nothing. No rank, no benefits, no second chances. 

He is Captain America, no matter what they say to him. It is in his bones, in his blood, running through his veins.

He turns his back and walks out of the room. 

-

He sits outside the courtroom, Olivia by his side, while he contemplates what the hell he’s supposed to do next. 

She says to start with visiting Lemar’s parents. She’s right. He owes them that. 

Before she can say anything more, Valentina Allegra de Fontaine walks into his life. He’s not sure who she is, but she talks a good talk. 

Tells him he did the right thing, that the only thing wrong with it was the fact that he was witnessed doing it. Tells him other things that she shouldn’t know, that nobody but him should know. Starts what will probably end up being a very long and complicated conversation with his wife later about taking the serum. 

She hands Olivia a blank business card, and tells John that he should pick up the phone when she calls. 

She then stands up and leaves, like this wasn’t one of the most confusing interactions he’s ever been a part of. 

Val’s gone, John has more questions than answers, but he now has something else, a little kernel of it growing in his gut. 

Hope. 

-

John goes to talk to Lemar’s parents. Tells them the story of the Flag Smashers, of what happened to their son. 

They ask if he killed the person who killed their boy, if the man he killed in one of the biggest public spectacles of the decade was the one who did it. 

He says yes. Says he hopes that will bring them peace. Doesn’t know how to tell them that actually, he failed, and that if Sam Wilson gets his way, their son's killer won’t die until she’s old and grey. That their son won’t ever get justice. So he doesn’t. Lets them have that little lie, if it brings them peace. 

Lemar’s mom reminisces on the old days, back before Captain America and all the mess that came with it. Hands him a picture she keeps of the two of them after their first tour. Says that Lemar was so proud, every day, to serve with him, to fight by his side, to be his partner. Says that he’d be resting easier knowing the guy who put him there got his justice. 

He tries not to shatter under the weight of that lie. Under the idea that Lemar will never get his peace, because John wasn’t good enough. That despite everything he did for them, the government didn’t believe in him enough to give him that. Let him have Lemar’s vengeance. 

He walks down the street after leaving their house, spots a poster of himself on the wet brick wall. All it says is “John Walker: Cap is Back”. 

He thinks of the weight on his shoulders. Lighter now, without that shield, but heavy again with the weight of Lemar, of his death, of the vengeance he never got. 

He’s got work to do. 

-

He gets ready, setting up shop in his basement. He pins the photo of him and Lemar to the wall, melts down all those medals of valour, all those pins on the chest of his worthless dress uniform, and makes himself a shield. 

If the government won’t give him a weapon, he’ll make his own. Soldiers are resourceful like that. All he’s ever needed were his hands. 

-

Olivia comes downstairs at some point to see what he’s working on. 

She sees the cans of red, white and blue paint, and a soft smile crosses her face. 

All she says is “keep up the good work.”

He knew he married her for a reason. No one else has ever known him, loved him like this. 

She loves him, and she loves Captain America, because that’s who he is. 

“Will do.”

-

When he sees what’s going down in New York, the Flag Smashers finally making their move, he puts on the suit, picks up the shield, and heads to work. 

-

He runs into Morgenthau right away, calling out to her. He is here for one reason and one reason only: her. 

She tries to get him to back off, saying things about how she didn’t mean to, and how she didn’t want to kill anyone that didn’t matter. As if Lemar’s life didn’t matter. As if he was so meaningless, so worthless to her, he wasn’t even good enough to be a pawn in her games. 

As if she, just like everyone else, was so much better than him that he should kiss the ground she walks on. Like he wasn’t a threat, wasn’t worth her time. Like his and Lemar’s fight wasn’t even worth mentioning compared to hers. Like everything they poured into their fight was meaningless. 

He throws the shield at her. She bats it away, and when it hits the ground, it already starts to crumple under the impact. 

He punches. They punch back. With every blow the shield takes, it crumples that little bit more. 

Under their sheer numbers, he starts to crumble. They’ve got him on the ground, kicking him over and over again. Even with the serum, he’s starting to ache. 

His eyes catch on the medal of honour he pinned to the inside of his shield. Thinks of that day with Lemar where he earned that medal. Thinks of the way Lemar was so confident in the serum, was so confident and excited by the idea of how many lives it could save. Thinks of how, no matter what, Lemar always believed in him. 

He holds on. 

-

He singles out Morgenthau, fights her through tunnels of scaffolding. He manages to get some good hits in, fueled by nothing but pure rage.

He has nothing to lose here. No people to protect, no mantle to lose, nothing. There’s just him and his mission. Him and his target. 

He hits her head on a pipe, so hard he’s shocked she isn’t out cold.  

He’s almost got her down, but she finds a good vantage point to swing and kick him in the head so hard he’s out before he hits the floor. 

-

When he wakes up, he runs back to the trucks, thinking that’s his best bet for finding Morgenthau. The trucks are what she wants. More specifically, the people inside. 

When he finds her, he gets there just in time to watch her drive the truck right to the edge of the ledge. 

The truck teeters, the people inside on the verge of death. If someone doesn’t stop that truck from going over, all the people inside will die. 

He knows Bucky is stuck inside the pit, and Sam is nowhere to be seen. 

On the other hand, Morgenthau has spotted him, and is using the falling truck as an opportunity to escape. 

As she runs off, he hesitates. 

Lemar’s justice runs off in one direction. He promised himself, promised Lemar’s family, promised Lemar, that he would give him that. That vengeance is all he’s here for. Lemar deserves that much. 

On the other hand, those people are going to die. With the serum running through his veins, he can stop it. He can pull that truck back and save those people. 

At the end of the day, it's no decision at all. He’s Captain America, and it's his job to save people. That’s who they made him to be. That’s who Lemar wanted him to be. 

He drops his makeshift shield, and he gets to work. 

-

He can’t save the people in the truck. He’s almost got them, almost pulled them back from the edge, when the other Flag Smashers start coming. He knocks one away, two, but he’s overwhelmed. 

He loses his grip on the truck, and he and two Flag Smashers go tumbling over the edge. 

He screams the whole way down. 

Just when he thinks he’s going to have to watch these people die, watch them come crashing to the ground in front of him with no chance of survival all because he failed, Sam Wilson comes swooping in, saving their lives in all his glory. 

He’s got a new suit, with shiny new wings, and a new red, white and blue colour scheme. The shield shines on his back, free of the blood it was stained with the last time he saw it, the last time he held it. 

Bucky pulls him out of the way, and all John can do is stand and watch as the new Captain America, the real Captain America, saves the lives of everyone in the truck, when he couldn’t. 

He thinks of how close they were to slipping. Of how heavy that truck was in his grip. 

His hands ache. He watches on. 

-

In the end, he doesn’t get the chance to get his shot at Morgenthau. Sam carries her corpse out of the tunnels. 

He helps Bucky use the app the Flag Smashers are using to corner the rest of them and turn them over to the authorities. 

Quotes Lincoln as he continues making the decision that he’s going to keep saving lives, instead of taking them. That showing mercy is more important than vengeance. 

He thinks that's what Lemar would’ve wanted. His mercy. Would’ve wanted his focus, as Captain America and as John Walker, to be saving people, not killing them. 

He hopes Lemar would have agreed with the decisions he made here tonight. Deciding to save those people over getting him his vengeance. Likes to think he knew him well enough to know that he would. 

-

He follows Bucky towards Sam. Listens as Sam gives his speech. Listens as he talks about making the right decisions, thinking of the right things, surrounding yourself with the right people. 

Listens to him talk about accountability, about recognizing the power you have that others don’t. Recognizing the responsibility that gives you. 

He listens as Sam talks about the weight of responsibility, the weight of the shield. Listens as he talks about being a black man in the stars and stripes. Listens as he changes the world with his words. 

John will always be Captain America. He held the shield, he wore the costume, he did the work. 

But he’s starting to realize that there was something that he was missing. That what Sam’s doing now, giving a speech on the right stage, saying all the right things, not to make people like him, but to make people listen, to make people change, is what being Captain America is all about. 

He can fight the fight, but this: being a beacon, being a symbol . He’s starting to feel like he’s alright with that responsibility falling into Sam’s lap. 

He gets a nod from Sam as he leaves, paired with a begrudging look of respect from Bucky. Thinks that maybe this is what they didn’t see in him all along. The ability to make the right decisions, not solely in the heat of battle, but outside of it too. 

He thinks that maybe, he got a little lost. Let that weight on his shoulders, those endless expectations, lead him astray. But if tonight means anything, he’s on his way to figuring it out again. 

-

He gets a call from an unknown number. When he picks it up, it's Val on the other end. 

He almost forgot about her, with the chaos of the past few months. 

She tells him to meet her at the courthouse, in the same room where his testimony happened. The same place he met her for the first time, and he made the best decision of his life. 

He wants to ask her a question, wants to ask her a million questions, but knowing what little he knows about her, worries that’ll drive her away and he won’t get whatever opportunity she’s deciding to give him. 

He takes the order like a soldier, bringing himself and “that firecracker wife of his” to meet her without question. 

-

She hands him a costume. Gives him no explanation other than try this on, and a million other confusing jokes to go along with it. 

Cracks a joke about trying it on being a formality. That they already know his size. 

He’s learned not to ask. 

When he finally gets it on, after fighting with the helmet, he walks out of the bathroom to show it off. 

It’s the exact same as his Captain America uniform sitting in the laundry at home, only this one is black instead of blue. 

She calls him US Agent. Says that things are about to get weird, and the world doesn’t need another Captain America. That they need a soldier, someone like him. 

He nods frantically, up for whatever job she gives him. All she says is to keep the costume, and pick up the phone when she calls. 

Once Val leaves the room, he sweeps Olivia into his arms. 

He may no longer be Captain America anymore, at least not to the rest of the world, but he’s something. He’s still fighting the fight. 

He’s the US Agent. He thinks he likes the sound of that. Likes the anonymity. Captain America makes speeches, and changes the world. He's fine with just being the guy who saves lives with his fists. 

He’s always been good at punching his way out of problems. 

-

John Walker is the best in the world at his job. He was one of the most decorated soldiers in US history. He has super soldier serum running through his veins. He is stronger and faster now than he ever was before. His partner died in battle by his side. His hands no longer ache after every battle. There are no more expectations on his shoulders. 

For doing his duty as a soldier, for avenging his best friend and stopping a terrorist the US government sent him to stop, he has been other than honourably discharged from the US army and stripped of all rank. He is a great soldier, but not a good man. 

John Walker is no longer Captain America. 

But he is the US Agent, and thinks that now, that might be good enough for him.