Chapter Text
Spider-Man or rather Peter needs a big fat break. A really long and calming— Okay no, fuck that, he just wants to sleep. Fuck a break, he wants to be dead to the world right now. They’ve been looking for this stupid Evil Gadget Guy™ for a whole month now. A month, for Christ's sake! It's getting ridiculous. Spider-Man likes to think that he’s a chill dude, which he is, and he has a very amazing Spider-Man no-kill streak, but whenever he finds Gadget Guy™… He's dead.
Now wait, how could my sweet Peter “Perfect Ass” Parker be so rude? Where are his manners? Well no worries my dear reader(s) daddy Deadpool's got your fine asses (not as fine as Spidey’s of course)!
You see me and The Gang™ — There's seriously a lot of that ™ going around, huh? That makes it sound like a whore — Anyway, as I was saying, me and The Gang™ have been chasing this dude. This evil bug of a guy (no offense Spidey!), dubbed Evil Gadget Guy™ by yours truly, has been going around the city and terrorizing innocent people like the dickhead he is. Now I know what you're thinking, “How rude of Evil Gadget Guy™!”, which, trust me, I know, but you see he's got us in a bit of a doozy. A chasing of our own tails kind of fucking game, really.
The dude has got this freaky little tool, as you might have guessed, called, by your truly again, The Gadget™. It sort of makes people just... disappear? Like, into thin fucking air! So me and Spidey, along with our good friends Venom and Moon Knight, have been scouring the city to find said guy. With. No. Luck. Spidey has every right to be mad. In fact, I agree, this guy is someone we all want to have a little fun with and not in the freaky way you filthy pigs (I know what you are).
We’re all tired, honestly. We want a break, dear author, even if all the shit was off-screen— or is it off-book? Eh, tomato tomato. So as your humble little servant (not really I'm for Spidey only) I am asking that you hurry along and write that we find the fucker for plot purposes!
I think I’ve served my purpose, so I’ll just let the story progress now. Toodles! (Insert funky ass mystical pink fairy dust as I evaporate.)
It’s been a month. A long, painful month. But thankfully they finally found a hint, a godsend of a clue, of where the guy is. If it had taken any longer, Spider-Man would have gone crazy.
The clue has told them that Evil Gadget Guy™ has been spotted in the outskirts of Bronx in some shithole of a warehouse. So off he and his friends go.
They arrive, as one does, fully decked out in their suits and shit, and just sort of hang around for a bit to see if they can catch any sign of life. Usually they’d just go straight in, but they really got to be careful this time around, or they’ll lose him. So they wait and wait and wait and wait… This is really getting them nowhere.
Just as Spider-Man was starting to get tired of waiting, they finally (finally!) spot a car off somewhere in the distance. Looks like someone finally decided to show up, Spidery-Man sighed.
“Spidey! Look!”
“Yeah, Pool, I know…”
Moon Knight curses some incoherent words, then gets up from his lying position, stretching.
“God, what's he got going on that's so important he can’t be here— Yeah, Khonshu, I know, shut the fuck up.” Moon Knight crosses his arms annoyed and walks to the edge of the building they were staking out on. “So what's the plan? We just gonna move up or…?”
“Oh, Oh, I know! Let's kill him!” Deadpool chimes, high-fiving Venom.
“I agree. We shall eat his head! Then we will rip his legs off and then his arms!” Venom flicks his tongue around, seemingly hungry. Spider-Man is seriously too tired for this shit.
“No, you two, we are not going to kill him. No unaliving people, remember!” He sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. The car that was off in the distance has come to a stop in front of the warehouse. Luckily for them and unlucky for the unsuspecting guy, he's exactly who they've been hoping for. “Alright… Obviously, we have to be careful this time 'cause we don’t want a repeat of last time…” A collective shiver runs through them at the reminder.
“Ugh… I love you and all, baby boy, but the reminder was not needed.” Deadpool crosses his arms and pouts like some child. Spider-Man, used to his antics, just rolls his eyes —more like his head ‘cause, you know, the mask — and watches as the guy retrieves something from the trunk.
The man is wearing dark clothing, but it’s all very hard to tell what he's doing exactly. The only thing giving away his identity is the shiny green "X" on his cloak. The same "X" that he spray paints every time he finishes up his schemes. He proceeds to pull out a couple pieces of metal. What it's for, Spider-Man doesn’t know.
That gets pushed to the back of his mind when he spots The Gadget™… goddamn Deadpool and his insistence on calling it that. Anyway the dude closes the trunk, apparently just needing metal and picks it all up moving toward the warehouse.
Spider-Man shares a look with the others, and they all start to move. Venom and Spider-Man use their respective spidery stuff to land softly on the warehouse's roof, while Moon Knight and Deadpool take to moving toward the side of the building.
“Spidey.”
“Yes, Venom? What is it?” Spider-Man looks around the roof, Venom trailing behind, and sure enough he finds a little roof window thing. He never learned what they were called. Oops. Unless they really are just called roof windows, then never mind.
“I want chocolate when we’re done. If I'm not allowed to feast on this bad guy, I want lots of chocolate.” He gives Venom an incredulous look before shaking his head.
“Yeah buddy, sure, whatever you want. Although you'll prolly have to talk to Eddie about that, won't you?” Conveniently, the roof window is open, so Spider-Man peeks his head through. The guy is somewhere closer to the front of the warehouse, so he deems it safe to drop.
“Yes, I will talk to Eddie. He will give tons of them. He called me a parasite, Peter. A parasite! ” Spider-Man glares a little at Venom and puts his pointer finger to his mask where his mouth would be. Thankfully, it seems Evil Gadget Guy™ is deaf or something and didn’t hear Venom's outburst about what he does and doesn’t like to be called. “Oh, right.” Venom follows Spider-Man as he lands on a pile of hay. Again, very convenient for this sneaky, stealthy mission.
Spider-Man slowly gets out of the hay, motioning for Venom to go to the right while he'll take the left. Up ahead, he can see that Pool and Moony must've come to the same idea. It’s all very convenient, Spider-Man thinks. Especially with all that noise the guy is making which sounds like he's scraping a bunch of metal together, but from where Spider-Man is against the far left wall, he's not sure.
Spider-Man, thinking he should close in on the guy, takes a right between two shelves filled to the brim with random equipment and a bunch of scrap. His attention is caught now. Why the hell does the guy need all these vials? Fuck, that's a lot of chainsaws. Wait, is that—
His thoughts are interrupted when a loud gunshot rips his attention away from the shelves to where Deadpool and Moony were.
Fucking hell Pool…
They’ll have to just rush the guy now, since the element of surprise is gone. Peter is about to get ready to web Evil Gadget Guy™ but as he runs closer he sees that he's on the floor…
“Wha…?” Spider-Man finds that the rest of the gang's all here, but all of them have the same confused expression. Before any of them can put their two cents in, something on the desk the guy was working on lets out that same sound that Spider-Man thought was one of Deadpool’s guns.
“Uh, should The Gadget™ be making those sounds?” Moon Knight takes a step back and though his face is masked, Spider-Man can just picture how confused the man is.
“And should it be cracking and floating like that? Cause gee willikers is that fucking awesome! Well, not awesome for us, I assume, but still— Now that's a sick glowing effe—”
“Deadpool! Not the time!” Spider-Man is panicking. What the hell is he supposed to do in this situation? The Gadget™ is definitely what killed Evil Gadget Guy™. They should definitely get out of here.
That would have been a good plan had The Gadget™ not fucking exploded.
It hurt, it really hurt. Peter can feel his skin burn. It’s really fucking intense. In the back of his mind, he somehow knows a limb or two is missing, but it’s too fucking bright to really see. He’s not coming back from this, is he? Fuck. He still had a couple of things he wanted to do, like, own a dog and try that new hot dog place that opened up a few blocks away from The Daily Bugle. Well, that's one thing he won't miss, at least. His boss was a real asshole.
Fucking hell, the pain just won't stop. Distantly, he thinks he can hear screaming. Is it him? It's multiple voices, he thinks, so maybe not just him? This just might be so bad not even Wade'll be able to jump back and spout some random bullshit about god knows what...
Then it dawns on him. He's dying. He's going to die.
The pain stops just then. Distantly, he hears another sound, but he can't open his eyes or place a name on it. Then it all goes... quiet.