Chapter Text
Hazel sighed and rubbed her eyes. She had been staring at the screen for hours. If only she were being paid for this. Alas she had to actually find a job before she could get a check. The number of ghost job postings made finding a job a nightmare in the best of times, but Joja had just moved an entire department overseas so a few hundred people were scrambling to find the few real jobs out there.
Many of these people were childless or had partners. They could work overtime and weekends if asked. They wouldn't have to call in sick because a child threw up and couldn't go to school. She glanced at her phone, it was time to meet the bus.
Hazel stopped by her mailbox in the lobby of the building and check the mail. Bills, all stating open immediately. Hazel took a deep breath and blinked rapidly to force back tears as she stuffed them in her purse. 'Be strong, you have to be strong.' She forced a smile as the bus pulled up.
A six year old with wavey brown hair came off the bus. Her eyes were red behind wire rimmed glasses and her face red and blotchy. "Junebug, have you been crying?"
"No." June sniffed, her voice shaky.
"Riley again?" June nodded, keeping her head down as they stepped through the door to their building. "I'll call the principle in the morning, Bug."
"Won't matter." June grumped. Unfortunately, that was true. Hazel had called the school a dozen times over the girl teasing June. June tossed herself down on the couch and clicked through the channels on TV, coming to a stop on The Happy Junimo Show.
Hazel went to the kitchen and looked in the fridge. She scowled at the Joja juice pouches from the food pantry as she took one out and then spread peanut butter on crackers for an after school snack. Dinner would be left over beans. If she put them in tortillas with some salsa and grated cheese it wouldn't be as boring as if they ate beans and cornbread a third night. Hazel hated feeding June the same damn thing over and over but beans were cheap, filling, and nutritious. 'One day I'll be able to feed her better' Hazel promised herself.
Later that night June sighed as she pushed her food around. Hazel had tried to make dinner fun by showing June how to fill and fold her own burrito. The result was it fell apart and June had to eat it with a fork. "Mommy, why don't I have a daddy?"
Hazel froze as her heart contracted. "What baby?"
"Riley told the other kids not to be nice to me because I don't have a daddy. She said all people have a mommy and daddy but I don't have a daddy, so I am not a real person."
"Lots of people don't have two parents. Carson's mom is single I think, and Lee's."
"Carson has a daddy on the weekends. And Lee's daddy ran away but she still has one. Why don't I?"
Hazel sighed and rested her elbows on the table, clasping her fists together and resting her chin on them. She had known this conversation would happen someday. "Junebug, the truth is you do have a daddy. I just don't know where he is."
"Did he run away like Lee's daddy?"
"No, Bug. He didn't run away, I don't think he would have. Do you remember when we talked about where babies come from?"
She nodded vigorously and stated matter of factly "They grow in a special part of a mommy's tummy called a womb."
"Yes, and we can't see it happen at first. Not all mommies know when a baby starts growing, a lot of babies are... surprises. You were a surprise baby. You started growing during a college party in May and I didn't discover you were inside me until June."
"Is that why you named me June? Everyone thinks my birthday is in summer! I wish it was in summer!"
"It is. The thing is your daddy and I didn't know each other very well. We didn't stay in touch after school. By the time I knew about you I didn't know where to find him."
"So my daddy doesn't know about me?" June asked, frowning deeply with her eyes tearing up.
"No baby, he doesn't. I didn't know him well, but I am sure he would have loved you!"
"What's my daddy's name?" June asked.
"Oh! Um... it was... Henry? No... Harry? I don't really remember." Hazel didn't really want to explain what drunk or one night stand meant to her first grader. "It was a long time ago, bug."
They ate in silence for a few minutes while June thought about everything her mom had told her. "Mommy, what makes babies start growing in some women's wombs?"
Hazel nearly choked on her bean burrito and took a large sip of water to get it down. "Oh... Well, there is a thing grown-ups do. Only grown-ups! It's kind of like a secret dance that no one talks about. It sometimes makes babies grow."
June gave her mother an incredulous look and in a disbelieving tone asked "Babies are made by dancing?"
"Not all dances, just one. It's- it's not really a dance, but it's like it." Her face grew hot. Yes, she knew one day this conversation had to happen, but this young? But Hazel had made it a point to never lie to June. If they had nothing else they had each other, they had to trust one another. But this was not a conversation she was prepared for.
She took a sip of water and a deep breath. "Okay... So, this sort of dance is called sex. And yes, it sometimes makes babies grow.
"How? Why's sex a secret kind of dance?"
"You really want to know why it's secret?" Hazel asked in a conspiratorial tone.
"Yes!" June replied.
"You sure?" She asked leaning forward and making a point to look around as though someone could be listening.
"Yeah!"
Hazel cupped a hand around her mouth and fake whispered "You do it naked!"
June gasped then squealed "Naked?!"
"Naked!"
"Eeewwwwww! Wait, you've seen a boy's peepee?!"
"'Fraid so."
For the next several minutes Hazel tried as delicately she could to explain that daddies have something called sperm that swims up inside a mommy if they their privates touched and how that sometimes made a baby. June continued to look at her mom like she didn't believe a word of it, but she didn't argue. Eventually she shrugged and resumed eating.
They finished eating and did the dishes. Hazel scrubbed them in hot soapy water and June ran them under clean water and put them in the rack. Then they got ready for bed and Hazel tucked June in. "Mommy, what was my daddy like? June asked as she snuggled down under her blanket.
"Well, Junebug, He had wavey brown hair like you. And the same hazel eyes, he also wore glasses. To be honest, you look a lot like him."
"Do you think I'll ever meet him?"
"I don't know Bug. I suppose it's possible. Maybe once you're making all that bread flying the space shuttle you can put your DNA in one of those data bases and find some brothers and sisters."
"Riley said they won't let a 'four-eyed dork' fly."
"Your eyes can be fixed someday, Bug, but Riley will be a poopoo head forever. Get to sleep" With that Hazel kissed June on the head and left the room. She leaned back against the closed door and gazed around their cramped one room apartment. Now, alone, she could let the tears fall. June deserved so much better. Better food, better health care... Her eyes really could be fixed, but it would take money.
Hazel thought about turning in but she had trouble sleeping these days. She thought about searching for a job again, but she had exhausted all the listings. June's father... Howey, or whatever it was... Where was he now, she wondered.
She wished she at least had a picture of him for June. He was in med school, so he wouldn't be in her college yearbook. Did she maybe have pictures from that party? Very unlikely. But there was no harm in looking through her old things.
She silently got the box of memories out of the top of the closet and sat crisscross applesauce for a trip down memory lane. Pictures of her and her college friends hanging out at parties, attending events, her first boyfriend... No pictures of Harry.
Pictures of June. Meager but happy birthdays. Special moments, many of which were on regular ordinary days. Pictures of her sitting on a friends couch with her big pregnant belly, which was where she had lived after she'd told her mom she'd gotten knocked up at college.
There were pictures of June in the NICU when she decided she couldn't wait to see the world. Hazel still had the ornament the nurses had given her "Baby's first Winter Star".
A picture of her first day of work for JoJa Co. A Picture of her with her best friend's mom, who had watched June Bug until she was old enough for school. A picture of June's first day of preschool.
Hazel dug deeper and found a much older photo, herself at June's age. She was sitting on her grandfather's porch with the biggest bowl of strawberries. She was smiling wide with one tooth missing, juice all over her face, and a grass stain on her knee. June deserved a life like that!
Then she saw an old envelope with a wax seal. She vaguely remembered her grandfather giving her the envelope the last time she'd visited the old farm. She had completely forgotten about it until that moment. He had told her not to open it until she felt crushed by the burden of modern life. She hadn't understood what that meant at the time. She broke the seal and pulled out a letter and a deed.
My dearest granddaughter, if you are reading this you must be in desperate need of a change...