Chapter Text
and i'm on venus, you're on mars
and i don't know how we got so far
when we were so close
hope i see you in the cosmos
cosmos by zinadelphia
Space Station [Five Months Abroad, Eight Months Before Return]
The space station hung suspended in the void, declaring itself as a silent outpost adrift in an ocean full of stars. Through the ISS’s reinforced windows the sunlight cut in, sharp and cold, across the modules, painting the metal walls in fleeting golden rays before vanishing again into the black. The only sounds were the hum of life-support systems and the occasional creak of settling metal that eventually became a lullaby for the lonely.
Jaeyi stared at the divorce papers glowing on her tablet, the light etching shadows under her eyes. Her thumb hovered over the ‘Submit’ button, her stomach churning worse than her first zero-gravity nausea spell. The ache in her chest was a constant companion, something she was becoming accustomed to.
It’s for her own good, she told herself, swallowing the lie like a bitter pill. Seulgi deserves more than a ghost. Jimin deserves more than a Mama who might never come home.
Behind her, Byeongjin floated past, snorting when he caught sight of her screen. “You’re really doing this?” He snickered, spinning lazily in midair. “Over what, your mystical fear of space dick atrophy?”
Jaeyi’s jaw tightened. “It’s a valid concern!” she hissed, slamming the tablet against her thigh—which, in zero gravity, only sent her into a slow, pathetic spin. “What if I die up here? Or get stuck? Seulgi deserves someone who can actually be there for her. And Jimin. And—”
“And instead of talking to her like a fully functioning adult,” Byeongjin interrupted, drifting closer, “You’re here signing away your marriage via interstellar WiFi? Wow.” He reached for her hand in mock sympathy, only to be slapped away. Unbothered, he grabbed her shoulder instead, his grip anchoring them both in the weightless silence. “Jaeyi, that’s a bold combo of cowardice and stupidity.”
Jaeyi rolled her eyes, but the truth of it slithered under her skin. She kicked off the wall—away, away, always running away—and stabbed the ‘Submit’ button before she could second-guess herself and chickened out.
Somewhere on Earth, Seulgi’s phone pinged with a notification: DIVORCE APPLICATION REQUEST.
***
The hab module smelled like recycled air and regret, a place that had became Jaeyi’s home now that she had thrown away her real one. The raven head had spent five months up here, drifting through the narrow corridors like a ghost with a broken heart.
At night—or what passed for night, when the station’s lights dimmed—she’d press her forehead against the observation window and trace the constellations Seulgi had once pointed out to Jimin before. “That’s Orion, baby. Mama will be up there, closer to it, but she’ll come back.” Except Jaeyi hadn’t. Not really.
She’d sabotaged it all—for their sake, she told herself.
Seulgi would be furious. Of course she would. Jaeyi had left her with a toddler and a broken vow, all because she’d been too terrified to admit she might not be enough.
Jimin would grow up without her. By the time Jaeyi returned (if she ever returned), her daughter wouldn’t even recognize her. Perhaps she would even already walk limply in her mid 30s (which was approaching). Would she call someone else Mama? The thought choked her.
Her rut had vanished.
No urges, no fever—just silence. The doctors called it something along “prolonged psychological suppression.” Jaeyi called it karma. Even my body knows I don’t deserve her anymore.
And then it led to the dick crisis.
Believer her, she had tested it once, halfway through her mission: watching some generic porn on her tablet. Nothing. Not even a twitch. Pathetic. Byeongjin had joked that zero gravity had turned her into a eunuch.
Jaeyi didn’t laugh.
She was on the verge of opening the habitat's seal and perishing alone, adrift in the vastness of space and time.
Because what if she came back broken? What if Seulgi took one look at her and laughed? What if Jaeyi was so bad that Seulgi even considered Kyung to be the best alpha to ever grace their apartment complex?
No. No way. And so, it would be better this way. Alone. Adrift.
The station creaked around her, a mechanical sigh that represented Jaeyi’s restless heart. Outside, the Earth turned without her. And her little family’s life continued without her
***
The mug had been sitting on the coffee table for half an hour, untouched. The chocolate milk inside had long since cooled, forming a thin skin over its surface—abandoned, like so many things in Seulgi’s life these days.
A small hand tugged at her pajama sleeve.
Seulgi blinked as she was being pulled from her thoughts, she looked down. There stood Jimin, her tiny frame swallowed by the blue shark-patterned pajamas, a stark contrast against the warm ivory and brown of the living room. Her daughter rubbed her eyes with one fist, the other still clutching Seulgi’s sleeve like an anchor.
Must be a nightmare, Seulgi guessed. Jimin had been doing this more often lately, wandering into her space in the dead of night, seeking comfort Seulgi wasn’t sure she had left to give.
She lifted Jimin onto her lap and cradled her close. The girl immediately burrowed into her chest, her ear pressed over Seulgi’s heartbeat, looking for a comforting lullaby. Seulgi’s fingers stroking through Jimin’s hair, slow and rhythmic, the way she used to when she was a newborn. Back when Jaeyi would hover beside them, her laughter warm as she whispered, “You two look so lovely” before planting a kiss on her temple.
Seulgi’s throat tightened.
She thought Jimin had fallen asleep again, until a whisper cut through the silence. “Mommy,” Jimin’s voice was thick with sleep, but her eyes, half-lidded and stubborn, were quite determined. “Can we watch Mama tonight?”
The question hit her like a tidal wave.
And perhaps being striked by the wave might have hurt less than this yearning.
For a wild, hysterical moment, Seulgi wanted to scream. To march out onto the balcony and shout Jaeyi’s name into the void until the stars shook. To jump and demand the universe to bring her back—bring her home. Because this? This half-life of waiting and pretending? It was killing her.
But Jimin was watching her, trusting her, needing her. So, Seulgi swallowed the scream, the tears, the emotions, and smiled.
“Of course, darling.”
***
The balcony was colder than Seulgi remembered.
She bundled Jimin in the T-Rex-patterned weighted blanket Jaeyi gifted to their daughter before she left. “For my little astronaut,” Jaeyi had grinned back then, tickling Jimin’s sides until she shrieked with laughter.
Now, Seulgi tucked it around Jimin’s shoulders like armor, settling her against her chest as they lay back on the half-lying outdoor sofabed. Above them, the sky sprawled infinite… indifferent.
“Is Mama okay?” Jimin murmured, her fingers twisting the blanket’s edge. “I just hab a dweam… she met aliens.”
Seulgi’s couldn’t help a chuckle at the innocent remark. But the sadness didn’t escape her afterward.
Four months. Four months of radio silence since the divorce papers. Four months of biting back tears every time Jimin asked about Mama’s space adventure. Four months of lying awake, aching for a woman who’d convinced herself they were better off without her.
And yet—every night, without fail, they came out here. Every night, Seulgi pointed out constellations and spun stories about brave astronauts, her voice steady even as her heart broke into a familiar rhythm of breaking into pieces. Jimin missed her and Seulgi knew.
Because Seulgi missed her too.
“What do you want to hear tonight?” Seulgi asked, pressing a kiss to Jimin’s hair.
The girl didn’t hesitate a bit. “Sagittawius!” She exclaimed, her sleepy voice brightening. “Caws Mama bown that month!”
Then Seulgi’s vision blurred once again.
She tilted her head up, forcing herself to focus on the stars. There, she thought, finding the constellation with practiced ease. Right where you left us.
“Once upon a time,” she began, her voice barely above a whisper, “There was an astronaut who loved the stars so much, she forgot they weren’t as bright as the people waiting for her back home…”
***
Space Station [Nine Months Abroad, Four Months Before Return]
-jay pls answer me, are u really letting seulgi suffer like this?
Jaeyi couldn’t bring herself to respond to the ping on her tablet. Things had been like this. Her friends would try to reach her out, and being the asshole that she was, Jaeyi would ignore any contact. It seemed easier to shut them out; being unresponsive felt like a shield against the world. Something she had become quite skilled at lately.
It would be Yeri when Jaeyi saw a glimpse of interstellar message without a curse.
-u fucking jerk answer us ho
And it would be Kyung when she caught a glimpse of all things anger. She didn’t blame her, couldn’t blame her. It was all Jaeyi’s fault for allowing things to spiral out of control, and Seulgi would likely give her no opportunity to make amends, anyway. Well, more reason to blame herself and die alone.
-u prob have some messiah syndrome but idfc girl ur wife, yes WIFE, is probably crying herself to sleep every fucking single night while telling ur fucking daughter some cosmic shit idc about
Okay, that was it. This bob took it too far, so Jaeyi relented and sent this message: oh you don’t get to call my daughter with an inappropriate additional term in reference to her name, fucking dora.
Jaeyi took a deep breath, feeling emotions wash over her. Kyung might intentionally put a rage bait on her and pushed the buttons, fully aware how deep Jaeyi actually cherished her family.
-oh so u alive. then tell me ure joking with the divorce paper u cant be serious abt this jay, seulgi and jimin love u sm. im a bystander yet i could feel the pain from a complex away. wait it limits my characters for each msg?? fu
-she’s yet to sign the request, at least for jimin’s sake (or i believe so)
Jaeyi bit her bottom lip when some machine beeped loudly, feeling a wave of distraction wash over her. As she momentarily drifted away from her thoughts, something green caught her eye. It was a small brontosaurus keychain, floating gently from her jumpsuit pocket, attached to her belt loop with a thin chain. It bobbed playfully at her hip.
The sight brought a bitter smile to her face. It was a brontosaurus keychain that she had taken from Jimin’s playroom.
***
(The little girl was busy arranging her line of dinosaurs into a small army that controlled the room. They ranged in size from as small as her palm to as tall as she was. Jaeyi watched closely, her book now closed on her lap.
“Why these two small brontosauri have to stand so far from each other?” Jaeyi pointed at the two small figures, one on each corner of the army. Her daughter turned her head briefly before returning to her task. Jaeyi waited patiently as the troop faced her, almost as if Jimin had intentionally arranged them to attack her.
“They big but smaww, so they stiww big. Big ones must gwawd the othews!”
Jaeyi smiled, her ears perked up and moved slightly, a sign that she was elated. Putting away her book to the side, she scooted closer from behind the little girl. A sudden cheek kiss was planted on the girl’s right cheek, causing her to squeal with delight.
“Then can Mama bring one to space?” She would surely want to think that her daughter would always be by her side.
“To gwawd Mama?”
Jaeyi nodded, “Yes.”
Jimin paused for a moment, weighing her options carefully, then turned her gaze back to her mother with a mix of determination and uncertainty flickering in her eyes. “But Mama is big, why need gwawd?”
The candid comment sent a wave of endearing cuteness aggression that consumed the woman. The innocence and honesty in her daughter's voice were so pure that it made Jaeyi’s heart swell.
“Does Jimin love the brontosauri?” Jaeyi asked softly, her crossed legs almost touching the troops of the dinosaur. Hearing the question, Jimin nodded eagerly. Of course, she loved her friends!
A smile caressed Jaeyi’s face while she held her kid with a gentle gaze. “Then if Mama brings one, the brontosaurus will carry Jimin's love and bravery—which are bigger than the vastness of the universe!”
“Enough to pwotect Mama fwom aliens?”
Jaeyi almost tearing up, “Yes.” She whispered.)
***
She ended up tracing the shimmering constellations scattered across the vast sky from the station’s window that night, a single tear escaped as she held the brontosaurus for dear life.