Chapter Text
Inside the Trojan Horse…
Odysseus: Okay, guys, we’re on the final phase of our plan to kill the Trojans. We all miss home, but after tonight, we can get home, so listen close.
Soldiers: Yes, sir!
Ody: Diomedes will lead the charge. Agamemnon will flank the guards. Melanus will open the gates to let the rest of our guys in. Teucer will shoot any ambush attack, and little Ajax will stay back. Nestor, secure Helen. Neo, kill Hector’s brothers to avenge your father.
Soldiers: Yes, sir!
Ody: And if you’re having doubts, just remember what you’re fighting for—your wives and shit like that—and the strength will come.
Soldiers: Yes, sir!
Ody: ATTACK!
An epic (hehe) fight scene ensues, and Ody climbs the walls. Suddenly, he’s attacked, except no he’s not, and when he looks again, his attacker is gone.
Ody: Who was that?
Zeus appears in the clouds.
Zeus: A vision of your death, and this is your only chance to stop it from coming true.
Ody: Okay, how?
Zeus: I don’t think you’re ready, but okay. It’s a mission to kill someone’s son. This foe won’t run, and it will be unlike anything you’ve faced before.
Ody: Pshhh, easy.
Ody enters the room where his foe waits.
Ody: …Zeus. This is a baby. Ignoring the morality of this, because you’re an ass and of course you’d kill a baby, what purpose does this serve?
Zeus: This is Hector’s son. He’ll grow up and avenge his father. if you don’t kill him.
Ody: Okay, but what if I just raise him instead?
Zeus: Nope. He’ll still kill you.
Ody: I could abandon him somewhere.
Zeus: He’ll find you.
Ody: I’ll be really careful to not let him know his past.
Zeus: We’ll tell him anyway.
Ody: Zeus, for the love of… you, please don’t make me do this.
Zeus: You’re going to Hell whether you kill this baby or not.
Zeus leaves Ody with the infant.
Ody: …Well, shit. I don’t want to kill this kid, but I really want to see my wife and son again… Would doing this make me a monster?
Ody ponders for a while, continuing to monologue.
Ody: …Forgive me, I’m just a man.
He takes the infant and drops him over the wall.
Some time later, Ody and his crew are on the open sea, finally on their way home.
Ody: Well, I left Ithaca with six hundred men, and I’m returning with the same number. I think I did really well. I hope Penelope is proud of me. For now, full speed ahead!
Eurylochus: Captain!
Ody: Yes, Eury, my brother-in-law?
Eury: We don’t have enough food for everyone after the war.
Ody: Follow the birds. They’ll lead us to land, and we can hunt then.
Eury: Yes, sir.
Ody: Now, full speed ahead! For real this time.
Poli: Captain!
Ody: Yes, Polites, my best friend?
Poli: There’s an island over there, with light on it! There might be people who can help us!
Ody looks at the island.
Ody: …That’s weird, it looks like there’s fire, but there’s no smoke.
Eury: We should strike first, take what we can.
Ody: No, Polites and I will scout the island. If we don’t come back by sunrise, then you can burn the place.
Eury: Yes, sir.
Ody: Once again, full speed ahead! Seriously. No more interruptions.
Little does he know, there will be so many interruptions. For now, though, the boat is stopped by the island, and Polites and Ody go to explore.
Poli: You can relax, my friend!
Ody: Huh?
Poli: You seem nervous. There’s no reason to be!
Ody: I’m fine, Polites.
Poli: No, you’re clearly exhausted. I can tell the war has taken a toll on you. But peace is still a thing that exists! As long as we greet the world with open arms, the world will greet us back!
Ody: You do raise a point.
Mysterious Voices: Welcome!
Ody: On second thought, fuck that!
Poli: Ody, greet the world with open arms…
Ody: …Look, we’re only here to look for food. We’ve got six hundred hungry men on the ship, and I promised them they could burn the island if we didn’t get back safely. Uh, that’s a warning, not a threat.
The Lotus Eaters emerge and hand Ody and Poli some fruit.
Poli: Now, that wasn’t so hard, was it?
Ody: …Hold up, this is lotus fruit. See the way it’s glowing? This fruit will get you addicted. That’s probably what happened to these guys, and it’ll happen to us too if we accept the fruit.
Ody leaves to continue the search. Poli stays behind.
Poli: …Lotus Eaters, thank you for your generosity, but we can’t eat this. Do you know where there might be other food?
Lotus Eaters: The cave! (Scary cave.)
Poli: Oh, a cave? Do you know where we can find it?
Lotus Eaters: East! (That way!)
Poli: Thank you!
Poli catches back up with Ody.
Poli: Ody! The Lotus Eaters told me where we can find food!
Ody: Oh, really? Maybe greeting the world with open arms has its merits.
Poli: See? You can relax, my friend.
Ody cannot relax, because Athena appears and drags Ody into a Quick Thought sequence.
Athena: You’re not going soft on me, are you?
Ody: Oh shit, Athena!
Athena: I trained you to be a great warrior, not some sappy pile of mush. Remember how I chose you because your mind rivaled the will of the boar I sent to choose a protege?
Ody: I even managed to trick you into revealing yourself.
Athena: And I was impressed. What you’re doing here isn’t impressive. Get your shit together, you’re supposed to be a warrior of the mind.
Ody: Yes, Athena. Sorry, Athena.
Athena: Don’t disappoint me.
Athena leaves, and Ody is brought out of Quick Thought and back to reality.