Chapter Text
It was all a fucking buzz.
I don't know how long I was unconscious. Hours? Days? It didn't matter. Time in that place felt like suspended torture. But when I opened my eyes, it was like I was slammed into the ground again. White light. Too much light. Sterile walls. Cold. Neutral, as if they wanted to erase any trace of humanity. The beep of a machine digging into my ears, setting a rhythm that made me desperate. A constant tic. Hateful.
I tried to move and the pain pierced my chest like a cursed, inclement, accurate lightning. I drowned. Something hot rose up my throat like lava and I vomited blood without being able to help it. The metallic taste burned on my tongue, bitter, dirty, as if I were swallowing the memory of the battle.
My right arm was in a cast, stiff as a damn piece of marble. My whole torso was bandaged, wrapped in a prison that was tightly squeezed, as if a giant were crushing my chest with the sole of his foot. Every breath was a painful experience. Every attempt to fill my lungs with air was like a rusty knife being shoved between my ribs and turned mercilessly. It even hurt to blink.
But that wasn't what caused me to sit up.
It was his face. That cursed image that kept repeating itself in my head like a broken ribbon. Deku. Lying on the ground. Bleeding. Motionless. After giving it his all. After shouting in that stupid voice of his that he was going to protect everyone... and then nothing. Silence. Inert body. Eyes closed.
Izuku.
I thought about it first. Then I said it.
“Midoriya...” My voice was a growl, raspy, shattered, like sandpaper against cement.
And then I shouted it.
“Midoriya!”
An impulse ripped me out of bed. An irrational, brutal impulse that did not come from the brain, but from the gut. My body didn't respond well —like every muscle was made of lead— but I didn't give a shit. I stumbled off the gurney, staggering as if I were sinking into burning lava. The ribs squeaked with every step. The plaster cast weighed like a sentence. But I had to see it. I had to know that he was still breathing.
The last thing I remembered of him was blood. His. In my fucking face. Staining my skin. Penetrating my eyes. As if the damn fate wanted me to never forget it.
I crawled toward the door. The dropper came loose and fell to the ground with a sharp blow, leaving a red thread in the tube, like a wounded snake. The machine alarms went off, screaming as if someone else was screaming my desperation for me.
“Where do you think you're going, Bakugo!” Mineta. The perverted dwarf. A bastard, with a high-pitched voice. He intercepted me in the hallway.
“You must rest, brother, your wounds...!” Sato came behind.
I didn't listen to them. I didn't want to listen to them. I wanted to get them out of the way as if they were simple training obstacles. Beat them out of my way, if necessary. I wanted to kick down the door, search through the sheets, and see if he was there. If it was whole. If he was still alive. If he hated me for not having arrived on time.
Because I didn't arrive on time.
Because this time, I didn't protect him.
“Fuck you! I have to see him! I have to see Deku!” I pushed them away with my healthy shoulder, pushing like a wild animal. Like a damn bull without direction. The plaster was in my way, the bandage was loosening, I felt blood running down my back, sticking to the fabric of the hospital gown like a second rotten skin. But I didn't stop.
“Midoriya! Deku, damned one!”
The name burned in my mouth. It tore my guts every time I pronounced it. I didn't understand why I was screaming as if something was being ripped from me. As if I were short of breath because of him. As if that idiot... would have taken a part of me.
I just knew I couldn't stay there. Still. Waiting. Like another spectator. Not knowing if he... if he was still him.
I felt hands grabbing my waist, my arms. Firm. Fast. There were two nurses and another couple of students. I don't know if it's Shoji or Tokoyami. They held me back, pulled me back like an uncontrolled beast. I stirred. Hit. Yelled. I left my voice in insults until the world became blurred and the force left me. One more time. Useless. Defeated.
They held me against the stretcher and this time they didn't let go. They put straps on my ankles and wrists, dammit. Like if I'm a fucking danger to myself.
Maybe I was.
My breath was an animal gasp. Sweat was running down my forehead, mixed with dried blood. I was squirming in bed as if I could escape helplessness just by moving. As if all that had a way out. But there wasn't. My heart was pounding in my throat, brutal. Hopeless. Like I'm fighting against my own chest to get out.
“Idiot.” I muttered, my eyes riveted on the stupid white ceiling of the hospital. Why did you have to throw yourself in front like a shitty hero? Why you and not me...?
There was no answer.
I closed my eyes.
And for a second, though I would never admit it out loud, I prayed.
I prayed for that stupid nerd I never knew how to stop looking.