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They say some chapters end so that you can start a new one. Except, in Renjun’s life, there’s no clear cut of where the chapters end.
The chapters seem to overlap, and that’s unfortunate.
Sure, he has the childhood chapter, then elementary school chapter, followed by the high school chapter, and now he’s in the university chapter, specifically in the volleyball phase.
Well, at least that’s how he separates the chapters in his life.
Except, the chapters are mostly empty. Almost blank dog-eared papers with a bit of emotions here and there— but mostly empty. The same routine over and over again. Study, eat, volleyball training, study again, sleep, repeat. The only difference to his routine would be during the volleyball tournament, but it’s only four times a year.
They have just finished their daily volleyball training and being the vice captain, Renjun is always the last one to leave the court and lock it up. It gives him some space to reflect on how the training goes, and construct a to-do list once he’s done with the practice.
And most importantly, it gives him a sense of reality that this is real. That he is important. That his existence is important to the team — because he is their main setter. He sets the ball to anyone he deems will bring a point home.
Just like how the grass is important to highlight the beauty of the blooming rose — red in a sea of green — Renjun is important to bring the best out of his ace player, Mark Lee.
Today, however, Renjun is not alone. Mark lingers just a little longer than he usually does, and that’s usually not a good sign. Sometimes, they’ll have to discuss about the main line-up for the team. But most of the time, Mark will point out the change in the air— he’ll notice the slightest mistake Renjun makes and will point it out afterwards.
And Renjun hates that.
Renjun hates that Mark allows him to slip up and make mistakes during practices and wait for the training to end to actually have a talk with him. He hates how Mark treats him like he’s a fragile glass that needs to be handled with care. And most importantly, he hates how Mark makes him feel seen and heard and noticed, because he is just a grass — he’s just a supporting role to the blooming flower.
“I have something to tell you,” Mark clears his throat once the locker room is empty except the both of them.
“Go on, hyung.”
Renjun’s heart thumps a little louder than usual, especially when he doesn’t remember any specific mistake he made during the practice today.
Did he set the ball a bit too weak than usual?
Was the ball he set a bit too high than usual?
Maybe he kept setting to Mark that everybody else didn’t get the spotlight to shine?
“Renjun, we’ve known each other for 2 years. We’ve played together almost every day throughout these 2 years, and I’m honestly very glad that I met you.”
Renjun notices how Mark’s long fingers tremble before he curls them into a fist, gripping the hem of his shorts.
“I like you. A lot. And I can’t keep this to myself anymore because I think I’ll explode if I have to keep this feeling to myself for even another day.” Mark’s voice shakes. “I like the way you show yourself to the world. I like how you keep on smiling despite everything. I like how you’re really good at managing yourself— you know, the volleyball stuff, medical school, and all. I like how you’re very kind to people, how you go out of your ways to help them. I like you a lot more than you can possibly imagine.”
Renjun takes off his knee guard, shaking his head. “They sound great, they really do. But I’m not any of those, hyung. None of them.”
Mark kneels in front of him, eyes to eyes with him. “They are you… in my eyes.”
Renjun can see pure sincerity in Mark’s brown eyes. “In my eyes, you’re exactly that.” Those pretty eyes shine with honesty, but he’s scared.
What if Mark only likes the bright side of him?
What if Mark doesn’t like the other side of him? The dark and twisty side he keeps to himself?
“And because of that, I wanna be the shoulder for you to cry on. I wanna be your biggest supporter. I wanna be the person to cheer you on. I wanna be the person to love all your good and bad sides, to hold your hand through ups and downs, and to make sure that you’re loved and safe.”
A small part of Renjun whispers that maybe Mark has said this to every other exes he had, even if he’s not sure if the man even had an ex before.
“That sounds lovely, hyung,” Renjun slowly smiles, “but I’m empty inside, and you don’t wanna fix me.” He pats Mark’s shoulder before he stands up, moving to his locker at the back. “You can’t fix me.”
“I’m flattered by your confession, I really do, even if it doesn’t sound like me. You probably love the idea of me that you have in your mind, but I don’t think you’re gonna like the real version of me. The broken me, the lonely me— I don’t think you’d like those versions of me.”
Renjun gathers his clean clothes in his hand and turns to Mark. “If I were you, I wouldn’t even like me…” He shrugs. “That’s just how boring I am.”
Mark finally stands up. “So you won’t even give me a chance?”
“No— Rather than not giving you a chance, it’s more towards I don’t deserve your attention.”
Mark is a star volleyball player. He is one of the best players in Seoul. He is the pride of the university, and everyone loves him.
And Renjun is only a setter, someone who sets the ball to him and allows him to smash the ball onto the other side of the court with full strength.
Renjun is only a sidekick to the main character.
Mark is a shining star, while Renjun is the grass at night — barely green, barely seen — admiring the beauty of the star.
“You deserve every good thing in life, Renjun. I know your parents are divorced and too busy to even wish your birthday, but you don’t deserve those things. You deserve love, attention. You deserve being pampered in life. You deserve being taken care of.” Mark’s face softens. “You deserve everything I can give you, Renjun…”
Renjun’s eyes crystallize.
“I don’t need to fix you, Renjun. You’re perfect the way you are. I just wanna hold you through the night and make sure that you’re safe and loved and well taken care of.”
“You don’t get it, hyung. I don’t deserve you.”
“You’re not. Not to me.”
“...” Renjun opens his mouth to speak, but pauses halfway. He inhales deeply instead. “What if the real me doesn’t flatter you?”
Somehow, the question brings a small smile to Mark’s anxious face.
“You won’t know until you give me a chance, no?” He chuckles a little before he slaps himself in his mind. “But we’ve been friends for 2 years. Close friends, even. I’ve gone to your house and see how lonely you are. I saw the all-nighters you pulled just because you didn’t manage to do your assignments because of the training. I’ve seen you cried because we lost to Monsters University last month. I’ve seen the way you eyes light up when you pat a stray cat.”
Mark reaches out to hold Renjun’s shoulder slowly, fingers trembling.
“My point is, I’ve seen your ups and downs. And I wanna see more. I wanna be a part of them. I wanna be the reason you’re happier and more successful in life. I wanna be there for you when you’re tired and lonely and sad. I wanna be a part of your life…” His eyes soften. “…If you allow me to.”
Renjun takes longer than the usual to reply, so Mark continues, “I wanna be your biggest support system. I wanna be your cheerleader. I wanna be the pillar in your life and support you to be the very best version of yourself.”
Renjun sighs.
“But I have nothing to offer you, hyung. I can’t give you anything in return.”
Mark is taken aback. “I don’t need anything from you, Renjun. Your existence alone is enough for me— I told you that before, right? Just looking at you being happy makes me happy.”
“Don’t try to be funny, hyung…” Renjun shakes his head. “That’s not realistic at all.”
“Give me a chance to take care of you. A chance, and that’s it. If you don’t like the idea of me being with you after a while, then it’s your call. You can call it quit. But let me have this one chance first, Renjun.”
“What change do you think you’ll bring to me, hyung?”
“Nothing. I just wanna make you feel safe and loved, that’s it.”
Except it’s everything to Renjun.
Perhaps being taken care of is what he craves for in this life. Perhaps it’s the fertilizer that Renjun needs for him to bloom into a flower, rather than staying as a grass.
Being a medical student as well as a setter for the university volleyball team means that he has little to no time to take care of himself.
Maybe for once, Renjun wants to have a small chance of being pampered with love.
For once, he wants to give himself the golden opportunity to be loved.
For once, he wants to be watered with love and care and maybe, just maybe, he can bloom to be a flower too.
“Okay, Mark hyung, you get a chance.”
Mark is like a breath of fresh air in spring.
Renjun has never thought that allowing Mark into the deeper part of his life will introduce him to the doors of peace and tranquility.
It’s unexpected how the star athlete with bubbly personality brings such calmness to his life. Whilst Renjun initially thinks that Mark might paint his life colorful, instead, he paints his life blue. Instead of being the sun that provides him energy for photosynthesis, Mark becomes the fertilizer that strengthens his roots.
“Have you eaten? If not, I’ll buy you some food.”
Renjun reads the message for a second before focusing on the textbook in front of him.
It’s the exam season, and he has been taking a break from the volleyball training for a week. Despite being apart from the team, Mark pays him a visit daily to make sure he eats well, to get enough nutrition during the season.
“I bought you some jjajangmyeon and dumplings!” Mark pushes the door open. The delicious aroma of food lingers in the room and Renjun’s empty stomach grumbles. “I know you haven’t eaten, but that’s fine, cause I’m here now~”
Renjun closes the book and hops towards Mark, almost crushing the plastics of food. “You don’t have to,” he giggles, clearly not meaning any of them.
Mark tightens his hold around Renjun’s waist, silently thanking himself for working out daily. “Now let’s eat,” Mark pulls back.
“Okay,” Renjun tiptoes and presses a quick kiss on Mark’s cracked lips. “Thank you,” he manages to whisper before he acts nonchalantly and turns his focus onto the food before him.
Mark becomes a wonderful support system, even a year and a half later, as he proceeds to be a professional volleyball player. Even if he’s located hundreds of miles away from Renjun, he still takes care of him.
“How’s your training?”
“Have you eaten yet?”
Sometimes their daily conversation starts with Mark checking up on Renjun, making sure that he younger man is fine.
“We had a friendly match with Kurodai Team today and I met the annoying wall from Monsters University! You know, the guy with the messy cat hair.”
“You mean Kuroo?”
“Yes, him! The snarky big cat. He’s still very annoying with his defense.”
Sometimes they talk about volleyball — their shared interest. As Renjun continues the year as the team’s captain and setter, he now sets the ball for a different ace. He no longer serves Mark as his setter, and he no longer puts the spotlight on the shining star.
But it’s okay, Mark often says, because it was Renjun who pulled the best out of Mark and made him the brightest star during their university days.
Renjun will always be Mark’s favorite setter.
Renjun will always be the best setter in Mark’s eyes.
Even if Renjun decides to quit playing volleyball once he graduates as a medical doctor, it’s okay. Because at least Mark knows Renjun will only be his setter.
And that’s enough.
Renjun has always thought that he’s just a grass. The one being stepped on, the non-admirable one. The thing people take for granted, because who even looks at the grass and wonders, “Wow, that’s my favorite plant.”
But then Mark appears in his life and shows him that even the most boring grass will look pretty to the right person. That even the dirt-stained grass can be admired by the right person. That maybe, just maybe, the grass isn’t just a grass.
Mark shows him that with the right fertilizer, the grass can grow— and maybe, just maybe, it might become a flower that’s about to bloom.
Renjun stares at the card attached to the flowers.
Happy graduation, my spring.
You’ve worked hard and I’m so proud of you.
I’m sorry if I haven’t been together with you for so long-- long distance relationship sucks. But knowing you, you never really need me, anyway.
Just like the flowers, I know you’ll bloom wherever you are.
Happy graduation again, my love.
May this be the chapter where you bloom beautifully — softly, slowly, in your own time.