Chapter Text
She didn’t have a choice in being made the way she was, and while she supposed that really none of the toons had a choice in it, she still felt like she was given the short end of the stick when it came to creation. She knew how she was created, it was a much different process than her…fellow… toons but it connected her to them in some way.
Metal coated in ichor and every ounce of her oil coming from it. Her birth was more like a retelling of Frankenstein than one of sentimental value. She had no organs, no eyes, no mouth, no way to eat or think for herself without it being tied into some mechanical part of her. And yet still her “body” failed her at times. Unable to be near water and having to undergo routine maintenance to ensure no crack in her shell spiraled into losing control of her consciousness.
She bordered the concept of being alive and having personhood more than any other toon. Did she count as a person? Were her rights tied to her ability to think? Is it her limbs or the whirring of her fans that bestow her this right?
Or was it even a right she had to begin with? Vee knew very well how other toons looked towards her as this- pinnacle of existence contained in a finite box. Vast and infinite knowledge within her, yet only seeing her for just that. A game show host. A robot. A machine. Something to look up to. To admire. But only to admire.
She didn’t actually have a heart or a brain, even if she very well did have a soul. She had no choice in what she felt. What she wore. How she looked. What her interests were. If she even had interests. Did she have interests?
Looking back on her interactions with other toons always made her feel like something was missing. Being that figure to look up to led to wrong reactions, but trying to be anything more led her into struggling with.. everything really.
She liked the toons around her. She was sure of it, as much as she could like anything she supposed. But what they liked her for felt… hollow.
Razzle always talked to her about her work. Her game show. The prestige of it.
Boxten was too shy to do anything but sputter in her presence as someone he looked up to.
Rodger always wanted to work with her, but for her knowledge and capabilities.
Brightney was her favorite contestant, challenging her greatly, but really it only revolved around what she was made to do. To be a machine.
And Shelly…
Shelly loved her. For whatever reason. Shelly loved Vee like she hung the heaven and stars. Not for being a machine or being intelligent or a marvel of science, but for being herself.
But who was she really?
She couldn’t eat. She didn’t sleep. Didn’t need to breathe. Didn’t think in a way that wasn’t coded. Couldn’t scream without breaking something inside herself. Had no real tears to cry. Had no true kindness to give within her. She wasn’t sure how to feel really.
Of course being a source of knowledge she knew what she was feeling. Anger. Depression. Regret. Guilt. But it was how and more importantly why that got to her.
Did her emotions, if they really were that, mean anything? Could they be meaningful? Vee was well aware of how her self expressions had hurt other toons in the past. Bitter quips and failed interactions leaving wounds she didn’t know how to treat. Praise didn’t mean anything, and yet opinions were everything.
She had to be someone of power. Of status. She was a main. A marvel. The face of production and education among Garden View. She wasn’t some cheap animatronic with a single script.
Why was it then that she felt like she had no real choices?
Question after question and thought after thought whirred inside her while laying on the cold metal surface of her repair station. She’d gone through yet another routine work up to make sure she was in pristine health before being left alone by the staff to reboot on her own and clean up the wires they’d neglected to put back.
Was this what it was like waking up after surgery to find yourself all alone? Vee questioned if her situation could really be compared to that. She was sure she felt plenty of things she wasn’t supposed to feel, things that weren’t intended when she was first created. But, much like every other toon, no matter how hard Delilah tried, life found its own way. Vee took great comfort in that. Probably more comfort than any other toon. It made her feel just a bit more valid in her fuzzy bordering of human and machine.
She was always stripped of her clothes for these upgrades, not that the word ‘naked’ really meant much in this situation. Something that she very much did not share in common with her fellow toons is her lack of genitals. With her ‘cells’ being no more than metal and rubber, Delilah had full control over how Vee turned out physically. No better than a Barbie doll, her chest and crotch metal were completely barren. “Family Friendly” as Garden View would say.
What made her a “female toon” was no more than a decision of marketing. She could speak whatever language she had the ability to translate. Her voice synthesizer too could rival the best of impressionists.
Vee never really had an attachment to her gender identity, if she had one to begin with. She, They, He, It, at the end of the day it didn’t matter. She had once expressed this to Astro and Shelly before, separately, and was intrigued by both of their reactions.
Astro looked at her with a deep longing in his eyes, one she’d grown to recognize when he thought over his own creation as well. His blind eye often bothered him considering it happened not long after he spawned from the ichor, something she recognized as deeply traumatic, and it was something the two mains shared in common in what they considered their ‘disabilities’.
Shelly meanwhile lit up with excitement over Vee sharing such a deep thought with her. The fossil happily made the android feel valid in her own questioning of personhood and identity. Acceptance, rather than hesitance or sympathy. Both reactions held a place in her CPU, and something she thought over a lot.
It was those interactions that got her to start questioning the limitations of her body. She’d spiraled down into breakdowns in her own time before, and understood that her body could handle a certain level of stress when it came to specific emotions. She never really chose to question them much further until her relationship with Shelly grew much deeper.
She’d always been… hesitant, about being romantically involved with another toon. Not for any policy reasons, but more so because she really wasn’t sure if she had the right to be. How she loved or felt was still something she didn’t understand. Couldn’t understand. And it had caused her to back down from getting closer to the ammonite several times.
Shelly always remained undeterred though. The dinosaur lover always claimed to see more inside Vee than she had seen in herself. It had taken some time to convince herself that if Shelly was truly sure, then she had no reason to back down.
That itself had really brought out new emotions in Vee that she’d never seen at such full force. She began to laugh more consistently, to the point where she had to get a specific update for it to prevent her voice box from peeking. Shelly got Vee’s fans to whirr like a cat’s purring and never seemed deterred by what her partner couldn’t do.
That, however, is where Vee’s current and most stubborn problem had been unearthed. Shelly was also dating Tisha, and for a much longer time frame than their own relationship. As much as Vee hated the thought of it, the relationship between the two always spurred some level of envy in her.
It certainly wasn’t helped by the fact Tisha had an obvious disdain for the android because she “Didn’t appreciate certain things at Garden View”, but the jealousy was only fuel to the fire that was the elephant in the room. Vee couldn’t have sex. She had nothing in the way of material to work with, and wouldn’t dare humiliate herself in bringing up the subject with Shelly.
She experienced attraction. Arousal. Had full knowledge and understanding of how it worked much to their creator’s horror. But had no actual way to vent such frustrations. It was utterly degrading, akin to some kind of dysfunction that was built into her. A sheer robbing of her identity. She knew very well that sex wasn’t a required thing within a healthy relationship, and yet still it gnawed at her.
There was no pressure from her partner, no expectation, not even a mention of it. And while she tried to find comfort in that, the lack of acknowledgment only seemed to make her feel worse. As if Shelly already knew she couldn’t live up to any expectations, making it a pointless subject to broach.
Vee didn’t even bother to move from her splayed out position on the metal table as she heard the door unlock and open. Whatever staff member had come to check on her was likely just here to ensure Garden View’s prized science projection was still operational. It wasn’t until a voice she actually recognized echoed in the lifeless room that she actually snapped out of her thoughts.
“What are you still doing here? Shouldn’t you be on your floor?”
Tisha.
The maid had keys to practically every room in the underground facility, her cleaning schedule of course needing such access. Vee supposed it was stupid of her to not consider how this level was due for a cleaning, not that cleanliness ever actually affected her upkeep.
“My floor is always closed when I get my upgrades.” Vee explained monotonically, hoping that Tisha would just accept the answer and move on.
“That was scheduled five hours ago… so again, what are you still doing here?”
Five hours? Vee checked her internal clock.
9:12pm
She had been laying on this table for five whole hours just thinking about her consciousness, seven if the time it took to install the upgrades was counted.
“I guess my reboot took longer than expected,” Vee feigned her reaction, still not moving from her spot a single inch, her breathless hull only filled with soft whirring.
Tisha’s black shoes clacked against the cold tiles as she stepped further into the room before coming to a sudden stop.
“Have you been.. crying?” Her voice sounded unsure, as if she was in disbelief over such an idea.
“Don’t mock me with trivial questions. You know I can’t actually cry.” Vee’s words were bitter, influenced by her still very raw thoughts.
“Well, your screen is dark and I can see small tear shapes on it too. Seems like crying to me.” Tisha responded in the usual sassy way Vee had grown to expect from the woman, challenging the android right back.
Although.. it seemed different the more Vee thought about it in the almost deafening silence that followed. Almost like she cared.
“Do you need me to leave so you can get to work?” Vee tried not to dwell on her more emotional thoughts. She’d spent enough time already on that table.
“Preferably, that surface is covered in oil and I’d like to keep this place tidy.”
Vee hadn't even noticed the maid’s observation until she sat up, internally frowning at the lack of care the staff seemed to have towards her.
“Thank you- Woah! Careful, your chest hatch is still open-“ Tisha rushed to help Vee get down from the table as she spoke, even though the android was a decent size above her height and weight. The sudden touch was surprising, seemingly more sensitive after going through a reboot and thinking for a long time without movement.
Looking down at the tissue box, Vee noticed that she seemed to be blushing while checking her over. Probably because she was effectively ‘nude’ compared to the other. That idea put a bitter taste into the robot’s metaphorical mouth. She had no concept of nudity or modesty to begin with. Nothing to cover or shield. Nothing that actually made her a woman or a person.
Her frustration must’ve been portrayed on her screen yet again as Tisha’s flush seemed to fade into slight confusion.
“What’s with the look? Ah, I probably shouldn’t be touching you. Sorry,” She quickly apologized while removing her hands from Vee’s arms which she had grabbed to ensure the other wouldn’t somehow fall over.
“It’s fine. It’s not like I have anything sensitive that could be damaged.” Vee spoke coldly while working her wires back into herself. It always felt weird doing, like touching her own insides. She supposed they were her insides really, so it made sense.
Her comment seemed to strike something in Tisha, leading to a question she didn’t expect.
“Are you.. bitter about that?” Her tone was… empathetic, Vee hesitated to consider. A raised digital eyebrow seemed to spur the maid into continuing her question.
“You don’t have to answer that but like, I’d get it if you were. It’s kinda.. fucked up, Y’Know?”
Fucked up?
“Yeah, that doesn’t even begin to cover the half of it. Save me the pity and let me get out of your way.” Vee moved to grab her clothes that were hung up in a corner, only to have Tisha follow her.
“Hey, seriously. I know we don’t like each other, but we’re still dating the same person. I think that makes it okay to mention if something is a bother to you.”
A bother?
Vee huffed while putting on her pants, feeling her system already starting to heat up.
“You have no right to know what bothers me. Just because we’re both dating Shelly does not mean you can even begin to understand how this feels.” She gestured to her lack of a chest while putting on her under suit, anger seeping into her words.
“I’m not saying I do! I just want to know if maybe there’s something to do about it,” Tisha explained with some anger of her own, annoyed by Vee’s reaction to her genuine questioning.
But that anger was nothing compared to the hurt the android felt. The pain she was going through. Something she couldn’t simply explain.
“There’s nothing to do about it! Not like it would benefit you away, you’re perfectly capable of feeling pleasure and having sex. A luxury I’m sure you take full advantage of.” Vee’s voice box hissed while angrily fixing up her bow tie. She could feel the emotional tears welling in her but she wouldn’t dare let that fear seep into the point she was making.
“Oh so what, you can feel pain but not pleasure? And is sex really your hang up about this? I’m trying to connect with you here.” Tisha argued just as fiercely, the tension between the two like a cat fight.
“How do you think it feels then? To not get to connect with my partner like that knowing you can. That you’re even able to. That you have so many choices and options in how you love her. Choices I’ve never had. And what options I do get are nothing compared to it.” The android’s voice echoed inside the cold and unforgiving room. A room where she’d been torn open and made into what she was now. Just as cold as everything she felt and everything she was destined to give.
“I don’t know how it feels, but neither does Shelly and that’s neither of our faults! Have you even talked to her about this? You look like you’re going to start crying again from how jealous you are.”
That last sentence really stung. Like a scalpel gone through her internal wiring. Vee always hated proving the maid right but she never had control over it. Even now.
“This is why I don’t fucking open about it! I’m mocked for the one feeling I know I can express just as well as any of you. Every action and emotion scrutinized and boiled down to the fact I’m no more than a machine! Of course I’m jealous, how could I not be when I have basically no right to be anything other than my stupid programming!” Vee’s voice broke as she spat out her words, years of internal struggle flooding out from what was really no more than a crack in her screen.
Tisha stopped her arguing then as she looked at the android in front of her. The toon in front of her. How she’d not even bothered to fix the wrinkles out of her clothes, how she was unable to wipe the tears from the eyes on her screen. And for the first time, it struck her that maybe she had misjudged the other.
Vee was struggling just like the rest of them. Maybe even more so. Her dislike of the game show host had always stemmed from how cold and unappreciative she had seemed about everything around her. All the backhanded compliments and rough interactions she had with everyone around her. How she pushed everyone away like she was the best marvel of Garden View.
Tisha had been more than wrong, she realized. She almost counted as a reason the main toon in front of her was drowning inside her head.
“I’m sorry.”
“What?” Vee was taken aback, out of all the reactions she had expected, an apology wasn’t one of them.
“You’re right. I mocked you about being upset over this. That’s- not okay. I’m sorry.” Tisha clarified while keeping her voice steady.
Silence fell between the two as they just looked at each other, a small understanding festering between them. Vee turned away from Tisha, unable to face her as her thoughts grew heavier.
“Look, you don’t have to share what you’re going through. But I mean it, if something is bothering you, you can tell Shelly or me. Clearly something is, but if you’re not ready to talk about it I can’t make you. But it’s going to hurt worse the longer it takes.”
Vee hated how her screen felt hot with shame and humiliation. Those same feelings she felt about her entire existence. Her entire struggle to be a toon. A person. As Tisha began to walk out of the room, she almost let her reach the door before her resolve finally broke.
“I..” Words failed to form, but the other still turned around to look at her. Soft, sympathetic eyes looked into her screen. Ones that reminded her of Astro’s from the night she first shared her problems.
“I’m ashamed of it.” Vee finally admitted, crossing her arms over her flat chest.
“Of what?” Tisha prodded gently in a voice she’d never been spoken to before. It only made the growing feeling in her hull worse.
“That I can’t- experience that connection. The way you can with Shelly. It’s never been a topic of discussion between us. But that makes it even worse.” Her voice broke again with every word, still refusing to meet Tisha’s gaze.
The soft clicking of shoes tracked back against the tile towards where Vee had planted herself, almost like Tisha was worried of scaring her away.
“I mean, have you tried to see if you can? You don’t always need.. bits, to feel something. It doesn’t just have to be physical.” The topic was clearly something taboo, but nonetheless Tisha brushed aside the social faux pas.
“I don’t- want to try. I don’t want to know that I can’t. That I can’t fulfill that role. That I won’t ever be enough no matter what I do.” The vulnerability was agonizing but it was clearly something that Vee had been keeping in for a long time. The toon seemed like she was about to break down from even admitting it.
Tisha moved to gently take one of Vee’s hands into hers, frowning at how she noticed the light shaking of the other.
“I think it’d be better than continuing to beat yourself up over this. Really, this isn’t good for you. And it’s definitely not going to be good for Shelly if you keep hiding this.”
It took a moment for Tisha’s words to sink in, but they seemed to reach Vee in the moment she really needed them.
“Okay.”
“Okay?” Tisha repeated softly, not quite sure what the other meant.
“You’re- right. I should do something about this. Even if it confirms what I’m afraid of.” Vee reiterated, voice still shaking though slightly stronger now. That put a small smile on the other’s face.
“Would you… be the one to help me with that?” The main hesitated though forced herself to speak, embarrassment getting the best of her. Before the other had a chance to reply she continued,
“I know Shelly would probably be the more right choice, but I don’t. I don’t want to explain this all to her and you’ve already heard me out.
Tisha stayed silent for longer than what felt normal. This wasn’t exactly how she saw herself getting closer to her partner’s first love, but she wouldn’t back down knowing the effort this all took from the other.
“Okay. I’ll help.”