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War had broken out on twitter. Adam had been avoiding it for a while now. It was just another pain in his side. For the first time since he had had a rock band, Tommy would not be playing beside him.
It was a business decision that was what it came down to. Adam had just got signed with a new label, and thus all musicians that played with him were told their contracts would not be getting renewed. Not Tommy, though? He had asked his agent. But the man hadn’t been very encouraging.
“It’s a new label, they are going to have their rules.” Kurt, his long time, trusty agent, had tried to be helpful.
Adam was pissed, angry and venting at the world; at the label for being stupid; at the universe for taking this direction; but mostly he was embarrassed that he would have to be going to Tommy with this news. He had tried to argue, had gotten his agent to “bring it up” but the label wanted a fresh start with the recording artist, and a chance to bring in their own people. If he was being objective Adam would have had to admit that it wasn’t unusual—record labels were picky beasts and well since they were the ones with the most power he had to bow to them on somethings.
He wondered if it was all of the onstage displays of homosexuality between Tommy and himself. But his agent had assured him that however much it had riled up mainstream, conservative America, it hadn’t been a contributing factor in this decision.
Normally he would be all for change, and he and Tommy had played more than their share of years together. Tommy was involved in a few more bands on his own, and he was a brilliant guitar player, so when it came to finding more work Adam didn’t doubt for a second that Tommy was going to be successful. Still, this wasn’t about Tommy, however much he felt so utterly selfish saying things like this: Adam wanted Tommy close.
Tommy was so much more than just his best friend, Tommy was his lifeline. Perhaps that was just codependency pure and simple, and if it was then Adam was embarrassed by his childishness. But he didn’t think it was just codependency, even though some of that was present. To him, Tommy represented consistency, like the Northern star, however much things moved, shifted and changed in Adam’s life Tommy was always there to keep him grounded. On tour, during radio show acoustics, Tommy was a silent beacon that kept Adam steady. And more than anything else he was going to miss him terribly, miss all of that terribly.
Playing without Tommy wasn’t really a new thing. After all he had been touring with Queen now for over a year and Tommy hadn’t been present then. But Tommy had surprised him midway through the tour with a visit to one of his shows. And whenever Adam needed a place to vent, a shoulder to rest on, or even just a friendly face, Tommy was always there for him. Perhaps that wouldn’t have to change even if they were no longer in the same band together. And well, Adam had signed on as a solo artist, so technically the band was there as accompaniment, and well Tommy deserved to get more front and center attention. Adam didn’t want him to always just sit in the background. Without his obligations to Adam, he knew that Tommy would have more freedom to pursue more gigs, and hopefully even promote his own band while he was at it.
His own band. That thought hurt. That was what they had always wanted. Their own band. Theirs. Rock stars.
That was what they had dreamed of when they were kids. But the band they had formed never panned out, most of the original guys were no longer in the same state. Tommy had gotten gigs with his other friends’ or acquaintances’ bands. Adam had had to take jobs wherever they presented themselves and for the first five years or more that showed itself in musical theater.
The difference in their lifestyles had distanced them somewhat. That was the summer when Adam got his first off Broadway touring performing the play Hair. It was also the summer when he discovered hallucinogens and did ecstasy for the first time ever. He had gotten so many different experiences, he couldn’t have come back the same person.
Tommy oppositely had stayed in his hometown, performing in bands where he could and working odd jobs. But they had tried to keep in touch. Adam had sent him text messages whenever he could—including the time when he finally got laid for the first time (to someone other than Tommy).
Tommy had been in and out of relationships with girls, and it seemed like their days as lovers were over. But when Adam came back, on the first night he was catching up with Tommy things had traveled back down that road and Adam didn’t fight it. Sure he had had many new and wonderful experiences, but there was a part of him that missed Tommy terribly. And it seemed the feelings were mutual.
They spent the entire weekend catching up: talking, laughing, hanging out, making love, laying around in the bathtub for hours. It was like it was old times again, but different. Rather than old times it was like they were creating new times together—reconnecting on the path of life, sharing what they learned and experienced over their time apart. Sex between them was just another way they communicated, and Adam was glad it had only gotten better. Tommy was still identifying himself as straight, and so far Adam was the only guy he had been with, but there had been quite a few women since Adam had last seen Tommy. And well his own list of lovers had grown somewhat too. But that didn’t matter, not to them.
Later when Adam was doing interviews, dating a European guy named Sauli, and just generally running around the world in the ever craziness that was his life, Tommy sent him a text much like the one Adam had sent to Tommy when Adam had hooked up with a guy in Europe: “I just lost my virginity again!”
“Oh shit! Don’t leave it on that :-)” – had been Adam’s reply.
“:-) Happy to say, Isaak now joins you in the club of boys I have fucked!”
“Isaak? OMG!” Before he sent another. “I’m so proud of you! Welcome to the club! Quite glad I was a part of bringing you to the dark side :-)”
“Well to be fair, you two are the only guys I have wanted to fuck.” Another text came in back to back with the first. “It’s not just Isaak, Soph’s involved too. Introduced them to molly…things carried on from there.”
“You little harlot :-P” - Adam was smiling outright. Sophie was Isaak’s wife, and it had been extremely interesting finding out about the little ménage a trois Tommy was having with the former drummer of Adam’s band and his wife. Adam quickly sent another text: “Enjoy! But don’t have too much fun! Though now I am way too curious, who topped! So gotta know!”
“:-P Now who’s the harlot!”
“Guilty! Spill!”
“He did. Following in your footsteps huh?”
“OMG! Did he love it! You’re so fuckable!”
“Totally have to show him this text :-P”
“:-P Please!” Adam sent another one. “So wait, were you his first guy? I didn’t know he was gay?”
“Yeah, I was the first. He was straight, like me :P”
Adam had been happy all that day for Tommy, but as with all human emotions normally it wasn’t as simple as that. There was still a part of Adam that got jealous when he thought of Tommy with another person. He hated those feelings, and never acted on them. But he would be lying if he said that they weren’t there. Hell, he was currently in a relationship himself, and Tommy had been in a few relationships with girls in the past two years alone. But maybe it was that Tommy was with another guy, or maybe it was just anyone with Tommy, but that little voice that whispered into his ear and kicked at his heart, voiced its fears: What if Tommy forgot all about him? What if Tommy moved on and out of his life permanently choosing to be with this other person instead?
Those what ifs could be ugly.
But in the end, Adam had went to the gym, worked out, and breathed through the feelings. He didn’t have long to think about it much anyways as he had another interview he was scheduled to do at 6:00 pm that night.
But later that night when everything was quiet, thoughts of Tommy came back to him, and instead he focused on the positive: Tommy’s happiness; the fact that he had allowed himself to be open and explore this new relationship; all of the enjoyment and freedom and life it would breathe into his friend.
Adam was genuinely happy for Tommy and it was on those feelings that he focused. Later he called his boyfriend, Sauli, and somehow phone sex had ensued.
Then late that night he had called Tommy hoping to wish him goodnight and now wondered if he would interrupt anything. The feelings like he would be just getting in the way; like he wouldn’t be wanted; that his call would not be appreciated: all hurt. So, Adam tried to push them from his mind. He wasn’t interrupting Tommy—they weren’t like that. They had made a pact. No matter what happened they would always remain friends. And right now he needed to hear Tommy’s voice. He needed to be reassured.
“Hey you,” Tommy’s voice answered after two rings.
“Hi,” He said. “Hope it’s not too late.”
Tommy snorted. “You do realize who you’re talking to right?”
Adam laughed. “Yeah, I just, oh hell with it: I was just missing you and sorta had this needy moment where I really wanted to hear you say that you loved me.”
They were always this honest with each other.
“Oh baby? What’s wrong?” Tommy’s voice was soothing.
Adam shook his head, forgetting that Tommy couldn’t see him. “I just. It’s nothing really. I just sometimes miss you.”
“Just sometimes?” Tommy’s laugh over the phone sounded sweet. “Then you’re doing better than me; I miss you all the time!”
Adam smiled into the phone. “Really?”
“Hell yeah!” Then Tommy’s voice softened. “And I love you so much. So don’t ever fucking forget it!” He was smiling, Adam was sure of it even if he couldn’t see Tommy from over the phone.
“I love you too.”
“What’s brought this on? Was it a tiring interview? Bad flight? Annoying fans?”
Adam shook his head. But now that the conversation had led here, Adam felt embarrassed and petty. It was so unfair of him to be jealous of Tommy, especially when Adam’s life had so much going on, and he never had a lot of time for Tommy even when he was home. It felt like such a double standard.
“Come on, tell me?” Tommy’s tone was gentle, the underneath words being ‘I won’t judge you.’
“I just got, I don’t know. I’m—I just—” He gave a frustrated sigh. Somehow his mouth was just not wanting to let it out.
“Okay now you’re scaring me.”
“No, it’s nothing like that. I just got,” Adam’s tone turned into almost a whisper, “A bit jealous, I don’t want to fade out of your life. Even though well, now there’s been other guys.”
Tommy was silent for a moment, when suddenly the silence was broke with his chuckles. “Don’t tell me Adamander the Great is jealous?”
Adam smirked, there was that nickname again. When they had been kids Tommy made up that ridiculous name in response to when Adam had got all bossy and full of himself, and then it just stuck. Of course, Adam would respond with something equally ridiculous. “Shut up, or I'mma sack your cities.” It was a stupid joke that they played throughout their childhood, and every now and then it resurfaced, especially after he got famous. “But okay, all right. Maybe I was, am. I know, I’m so pathetic.”
“Nah, it’s okay.” And Tommy sounded like it was okay. “Honestly I’m kinda glad you’re a little jealous. Makes me feel like we’re in this boat together.”
“And what boat would that be?”
“You know, our boat.” And just like that, that summed it up perfectly.
“Yeah.” Adam said and couldn’t stop the smile appearing on his face. “Our boat.”
Adam thought about that time. Now he had to call Tommy again, and this time he was feeling even pettier than that one time when he had gotten jealous over Tommy and Isaak. And what was worst was he felt like he was selling out his friend. They had wanted to get famous together, become rock stars, live the musician dream. But now he was going to have to call Tommy and tell him that he had to go on alone.
“Hey you.” Tommy sounded like he was juggling a million things when he picked up the phone.
“Uh hi,” Adam couldn’t tell him something like this over the phone. “Wanna get dinner?”
“Now?”
“Well, I mean, if you’re free?”
“Umm, yeah, no now’s fine. Just dealing with this butthead.” And Adam heard the sound of canine whining and something that he assumed to be play growling.
“Etta giving you trouble?” he said with a laugh.
Tommy snorted. “When is she not?” Yet however much Tommy tried to sound annoyed, Adam wasn’t fooled. Tommy loved that puppy he had rescued from the humane society almost six months ago now. “Where were you thinking you’d wanna go?”
“I don’t know, Willum’s.” It was their favorite hole in the wall restaurant that was close to the bay, but in a secluded inward spot that only the locals knew.
“Haven’t been there in a while, no?”
Adam felt a pang of guilt at that. “Um yeah.”
“All right,” Tommy must not have heard Adam’s discomfort, or if he did, he ignored it. “How about meeting me there in an hour?”
“Yeah, sounds good.”
“Ok, cya.”
“Later.” Adam closed his phone and sat on the bed taking a deep breath. He didn’t want to have to face Tommy, he had been avoiding him for what could have been months at this point. But he had put it off long enough, and Tommy needed to know, especially so he could go and get other gigs.
...
“Why aren’t you mad?” Adam could feel the tension draining from his body, the results of the nervousness, dread and just general awfulness he had been carrying around for all these months he had been trying to work things out with his agent.
“Nah, I’m not mad.” Tommy said finishing his drink as he looked off into the horizon. After dinner they had went to grab ice cream at a shop walking distance away. Tommy had snatched a coffee on the way. Now they were sitting out on a bench a few feet from the boardwalk. The sun was already setting and it made the surrounding water glow as if it had been set aflame. “I mean, I sorta knew that this was why you wanted to get together tonight.”
“You knew?”
“Well, yeah, I mean you have been avoiding me for months now. So I just assumed it had something to do with the new label, and when I didn’t receive my contract renewal I figured I had guessed correctly.”
Adam looked down, he honestly felt like crying. “I’m sorry. I majorly suck right now.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“Yeah, well, I feel like it is. I feel like I betrayed you. Like I am selling you out. I mean we were in this together; how fair is it for me to just go solo now?”
“But you are solo. You got into Hollywood as a solo artist, remember?”
Adam turned sad blue eyes to look over at Tommy. It felt like Tommy was rubbing it in—the fact that even though they had wanted to be rock stars together, it was Adam who had gotten a record deal. It had been a lucky break really that had gotten Adam into Hollywood, and it was all Idol’s doing. Tommy had been super supportive. And then later, when they were holding auditions for Adam’s band, Adam had pushed Tommy to go, and Tommy had been all for it. Tommy had never showed any resentment over Adam getting into Hollywood on his own.
When Tommy spoke again his voice sounded hopeful; there wasn’t any blame in his tone. “Hey, look, it’s okay.” His smile was so genuine that Adam couldn’t tear his eyes away. “I’m not angry. And it’s like I told you before: I don’t want any special treatment, period.”
“But I got all of this,” Adam was trying to find the words but when nothing came out he settled for, “I don’t know, this whatever, you’d think I would be able to force them to take you on.”
“I said no.” Tommy was serious, “I don’t want special treatment, I didn’t then, and I don’t want it now. Even if you could do something about it, I wouldn’t want you to.”
“But—”
“Seriously. I’m all right. We had a good run; it was a lot of fun. And, to be able to play with you on stage, it was awesome, dream come true, even.”
Adam felt the tears slip down his cheeks before he could stop them.
“Hey, don’t do that.” Tommy was wiping the tears off with his thumbs.
“You say it like it’s really over.”
“Well, we don’t know what the future holds. So, I mean we could always play together again, no? But even if we don’t, I am glad for all of the good times. I mean, nothing last forever. And I’m glad we got those times.”
Adam was crying nonstop now, and he buried his face into Tommy’s shoulder. “I’m such a terrible friend. A terrible, horrible friend.”
“Stop talking like that about my best friend else I’m gonna kick your ass.” His tone was so serious that Adam looked up, when Tommy started snickering it was contagious and soon Adam found himself laughing too. “There you go, smiling looks so much better on you,” Tommy hugged him close.
“I still can’t believe you don’t hate me.”
“Never.” Tommy smiled again, his next words were soft. “I don’t even think it’s possible for me to dislike you, let alone hate you. You truly are the most important person to me, hell, you always have been. And you always will be.”
“What about Beth?” Beth was Tommy's girlfriend; they hadn’t been together long, though a lot longer than Tommy’s relationships normally lasted. Like the shitty friend he was, Adam had found out about Beth from Tommy’s twitter.
Tommy smiled. “Yeah, she’s important too.” But he didn’t correct himself.
“I feel the same way,” Adam said soberly. “I kinda want to not even take the new label.”
“Don’t be stupid. This is your dream.”
“But what about our dream? We were gonna be rock stars, we were doing this together!”
“And we did. You have made it pretty much all the way up to the top, and as for me, I’m glad I got to go up with you as much as I could.”
“Don’t say that, you’re awesome, you deserve it all; you deserve it more than anyone else I know.”
“Hey, I ain’t done yet,” Tommy teased. “I ain’t quittin.” He squeezed Adam’s shoulders. “I’ve been playing for a few gigs while you were out.”
“I saw that.”
“Oh you did? So you were still viewing my twitter even though you were hiding from me.”
Adam kicked at the ground with his shoe. “I love your posts, I swear it’s like I can actually hear your voice in them. Sorta makes me think you’re right there next to me.”
“There you go,” Tommy said, and he squeezed Adam hard. “And next time you go into recluse mode, I’m so coming over so it doesn’t take you fucking forever to realize that there’s nothing you can do to make me hate you ever. Period.”
“I don’t deserve a friend like you.”
“Shut the hell up, Adamander the Great.” Tommy pressed a kiss to the side of Adam’s temple.
Adam laughed before he said softly. “What if we formed a band together?”
Tommy just rested his chin on top of Adam’s head. “Yeah? And when will you squeeze that in? You’re running on fumes as it is.”
“But, our dream?”
“You let me worry about my dream, and go on and keep chasing yours.” It sounded like Tommy clearly wanted to be angry at Adam for his refusal to let the subject go, but Tommy couldn’t. Perhaps the fact that Adam was still hanging on to threads told Tommy that Adam really cared about him—that Adam wanted Tommy’s dreams to come true as much as he wanted his own. At least that is what Adam thought Tommy was thinking from the way his friend was being so damn patient with him.
“Like I said,” Tommy continued. “I’m a proud guy. And I don’t like handouts. So please, I don’t want to get anything unless by merit.”
“And you’ve got merit.”
“Right, then I will continue to keep trying for things and if I make it into another successful band so be it.”
“I’m gonna miss you so much I might start pulling my hair out.” Adam knew his codependency was getting a bit bad, but Tommy didn’t seem to mind.
“Then your ass better call and text me until you drive me crazy then!”
Adam just hugged Tommy about the waist and pressed his face into his shoulder. Wanting to get even closer, he scooted over until there wasn't any space between them and then leaned down and rested his head against Tommy’s chest.
“I love you,” He whispered against Tommy’s shirt. “I wish I could buy us an island.”
“An island huh?”
“Yup and then whenever things got shitty we could run off there and have no one to bother us.”
“And what then? We’d swim in the sea and fuck on the beach?” Tommy laughed against Adam’s hair.
“I’d fuck you everywhere, and on everything.” Adam pressed a kiss to Tommy’s chest.
“Everything huh?” Tommy waggled his eyebrows. “That a promise?”
Adam laughed. “Marry me?”
It was spoken so softly Tommy almost didn’t hear. “Huh?”
“Marry me.”
“Just like that?”
“Yeah, just like that. Heck it’s legal now, right?”
“And now is really the time you should be reminding me of Beth, and I’m gonna remind you of Teddy.”
“Yeah, yeah I know. But that doesn’t change the fact that you’re my family. I still love Teddy, but you’d be the only person I would ever consider marrying.” And this was true, however much Adam loved his current boyfriend.
That seemed to shock Tommy. “Really? Seriously?”
Adam shrugged. “Yeah, seriously. I really love you, and honestly there aren’t a lot of things that scare me but, well you suddenly not being a part of my life, that scares me. I don’t know, maybe even the whole wanting to keep you in the band was just my way of trying to keep you close. I mean I am on the road all the time, I travel so much I don’t even have time for most of my friends anymore, and I just don’t want us to wake up five years from now and realize we haven’t seen each other and worst yet, we don’t even know each other anymore. Everything else I could lose. I mean, I have worked so hard for this, and I really, really want it. But I don’t need it. What I do need though is you. And I am being selfish in so many ways given it’s not fair to you since I am so busy all of the time. But really I just need to be with you. When you’re here everything in my life feels like it is in place, like even though things are crazy I will be okay.”
Tommy was just listening to Adam’s words, resting his chin on the top of Adam’s head. Every so often letting out a soft chuckle.
The sky was already starting to darken, the sunset long fading, but Adam wasn’t in any hurry to get up.
Finally though, Tommy sat up, making Adam let go of him. Tommy grabbed his hand and started to pull him from the bench.
“Come home with me,” Tommy said softly.
“Mike and Dave not home?”
“I have a door; I think we’ll be okay.” Tommy was already pulling Adam to his car. “I just need you. Right now let’s just be together, please?”
Adam gave a startled laugh. “What about my car?”
“We’ll come back for it. Right now you need to be mine.”
-~-
The moment Tommy closed the door to his room inside his shared apartment with Mike and Dave, Adam was on him, but surprisingly it was Tommy who ended up backing Adam up against the door and pressing him against it.
Tommy couldn’t remember the last time they were physical like this. It couldn’t have been six months ago? But as that was the time Adam had started ignoring him, he assumed that was the case. Adam was equally fervor and even though Tommy had his friend pinned against the door, Adam was taller and heavier and eventually he walked them over to Tommy’s bed.
Tommy reached under the hem of his shirt and yanked himself free of it, sending it sailing somewhere onto his floor. He didn’t bother to look. Adam eyed him hungrily, and leaned down and licked the vee of his neck, trailing up Tommy’s skin until he sucked the side of Tommy’s chin and then they were kissing again.
Tommy yanked at Adam’s shirt, who tugged at the hem and together they freed Adam from his shirt.
Now bare skin was pressing against bare skin. Tommy’s smooth, pale skin against Adam’s freckles. Tommy leaned in and licked over Adam’s nipple, then he swiped his tongue along Adam's chest and scrapped his teeth over the other one. The two of them rustled to the bed. Adam had succeeded in pinning him—he always won in their rustling matches even when they were kids. But Tommy wanted it like this. It had been way too long since he felt Adam inside of him and even longer since he took it from a guy, so he welcomed the bliss of it all.
...
Tommy lay on his back, his knees bent as his feet rested on the bed. Adam was laying on top of him, in between Tommy’s legs, fucking him thoroughly. They weren’t in a hurry. They weren’t rushing for release. This was love, pure and simple. This was them connecting after the months they had been apart.
Tommy’s fingers threaded through Adam’s thick hair as he pulled him close. Adam breathed against his mouth before Adam deepened their kiss. Tommy’s tongue mapped out the insides of Adam’s mouth, getting familiar with him again.
“I’ve missed this,” He whispered. Adam pulled back and they stared into each other’s eyes. Adam didn’t stop rolling his hips though—didn’t stop fucking into Tommy with gentle, little thrusts.
“I love you.” Adam kissed Tommy again, his lips lingering and sweet over Tommy’s.
Tommy’s small smile was almost a smirk. “Then show me.” he hugged Adam’s tighter. “Make love to me.”
Adam groaned into his throat, and wrapped his arms underneath Tommy’s body so he could hold him tighter. Before he was fucking into Tommy with precise, deep thrusts.
Tommy’s moan turned into a whisper as he arched his head back, fingers digging into Adam’s hair again. “God, I can’t even think anymore.”
Adam smiled, rubbing his cheek against Tommy’s, panting softly. “I meant it, you know.”
Tommy’s eyes found his. “Meant what?”
“I’d marry you in a heartbeat.” Adam buried his face into Tommy’s shoulder.
Tommy laughed against Adam’s hair. “Yeah?”
Adam nodded quickly, starting to move his hips quicker. Tommy moaned again. “I love the way I feel inside of you.”
“I love the way you feel inside of me too.” Tommy’s laugh was in his voice. “And god, did I miss this! Did I miss you!” Tommy pushed Adam back so that they were making eye contact again. Holding the sides of Adam’s face, Tommy’s voice grew serious. “Don’t. Okay, don’t ever. Please don’t ever stop talking to me just because you think I’ll get mad. Trust me there is no amount of mad I could get that would make me hate you. Got that!”
Adam nodded, kissing Tommy’s lips softly. “I wanted to call you so many freaking times. I just…I just kept saying one more time, all I needed was one more time with my agent, the label, and then they would come around, and then I would be able to talk to you with good news, not bad.”
Tommy shook his head. “I don’t care. Bad news, good news, horrible news. Just tell me. Please, just tell me.” Tommy’s voice was growing rough as it filled with unshed emotion. “Please, please don’t just disappear like that. Please.”
Adam hugged him tighter, if that was even possible at this moment given that they were practically breathing the same air, inside each other, completely raw and open. “I’m sorry. I won’t do that again.”
Tommy nodded and clung tighter to Adam, moaning into Adam’s hair when Adam struck that place inside of him that made everything better, richer, that much more intense. “You better not.”
“Never.” Adam just continued to hold him, their bodies moving together, their hearts feeling as one. Adam didn’t want this moment to end. He didn’t want release. He didn’t want anything but Tommy in his arms. Right now he wanted to merge the two of them together, so that he would always have Tommy close.
He wasn’t thinking about Teddy, as Tommy wasn’t thinking about Beth. It wasn’t that they didn’t love their significant others, they did. But right now, it was only the two of them that mattered, only the two of them that existed in their shared space. Right now, they were completely alone.