Work Text:
FAKE
DATING PLAN:
Edited by Rio Vidal: (Rio: oh my god it’s supposed to be real do u wanna have everyone know??)
Objectives:
- Have Agatha prove emotional stability in court with this long-term relationship, so she can finally get that restraining order against her mother
- Make Rio’s family happy after Rio lied to their asses about having a girlfriend so they wouldn’t pester her about getting married
Comment from Rio Vidal: damn okay that was a bit harsh
To Do:
- Timed social media posts
- Dinner with Rio’s family
- Known court dates linked here
Comment from Rio Vidal: okay harkness i see u organized queen
Resolved by Agatha Harkness ✅
* * *
The problem was, Rio was never supposed to fall in love.
* * *
Rio’s Phone
Me
alice
we might have a small problem on our hands
Slice
what?
rio dont tell me y’all fucked.
Me
no it’s worse 😭
i think i might like her
Slice
oh
wait that’s fire
it’s perfect bruh you’re already dating
Me
yeah but not for real
it sucks cause now everytime we gotta kiss in public i overthink it
Slice
dude
you get to KISS HER in PUBLIC
Me
yeah, but it doesn’t mean the same!
we’re still normal in private
Slice
in private 🤨
Me
stfu
help me out here how do i get over it
Slice
hate to be that guy
but you don’t
Me
you’re useless
Slice
🫡
* * *
But Agatha was also falling.
Agatha’s Phone
Meddler
cmon its so obvious
agatha ur in love
you leave her sticky notes everywhere
with everything you love about her
Me
it’s called acting wanda
Meddler
yeah method acting
Me
ugh just bc i can tolerate fake dating does not mean im in love with her
Meddler
okay but u should think about whether you’re tolerating or leaning into the whole fake dating thing
just saying
* * *
So Agatha did think about it.
And then she got drunk.
And then called Rio.
* * *
“Heeey, Rioooo. Fun fact—I love you. Like. Not fake. More than platocifally. Platocinall. Pl–”
Another voice spoke up from the background. “Platonically, Agatha.” Jen.
“Right. English is hard, you know that? But I still can say I love you. Real love. Your face is the only face I want in my face forever.” There was a pause. “That made no sense. You make me so dumb. I love y–” And the recording cut off.
* * *
Agatha did not remember sending that voice memo. She woke up the next morning with a headache—she really needed to go easy on the drinks; she’d almost fully blacked out—and a text from Jen. When she came across the voice memo she’d drunkenly recorded and sent—fuck her life—she reloaded the screen, trying to will a message from Rio to appear. But there was none. She’d read the message; she could see that at least.
What if Rio hated her?
What if she broke up with her?
Even if it was fake, it was important to Agatha.
For the first time in her fake relationship with Rio, she found herself more concerned about her bond with Rio than winning that case against Evanora.
Rio was her present. She needed her.
Agatha sighed, slumping back onto the bed.
She needed a fucking break.
* * *
By the time Rio had fully processed what was going on, she also realized the likelihood of it being sincere was very low. Agatha was incapable of being vulnerable; she’d probably just played into the drunken aspect of it and spouted nonsense.
She sighed, opening Agatha’s contact for the millionth time that day. She still didn’t know what to say. She decided to settle on ignoring her for now.
* * *
When she finally got a text from Wanda a few days later telling her to talk it out with Agatha, she tried to run from that too. But then Agatha Harkness, the queen herself, decided to text her personally. Rio agreed.
* * *
Alice barely knew what the fuck was going on, but she assumed it was good for Rio. She’d dropped by Rio’s, about to ask her if she had Alice’s spare keys (she lost them after a very unfortunate incident involving Jen and a motorbike), and by the time she let herself in with Rio’s keys (which she had not, in fact, lost), it was too late to bleach her eyes.
They were fucking.
On the couch.
Ew.
* * *
And they all lived happily ever after.
(Except Alice, who’s heard way too many kinks vocalized from her friends after months of emotional and sexual repression.
Alice needs therapy.)
The End.