Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

She could never mistake Natalie wherever she was: in the crowd of a mixer, hiding in the parking lot to smoke a cigarette, behind the foundational post in the locker rooms whenever she was trying to spook Lottie, or simply just outside the Psychology building at Rutgers.

Even though it had been two years since they last saw each other: graduation night at Jackie’s, Lottie could spot her from a mile away. Here was what she still knew: Nat and Jackie were roommates, and Jackie every so-often bleaches the roots of Natalie’s hair, and she stopped playing soccer. She didn’t really know why, and neither did any of the other Yellowjackets. Or maybe they just refused to tell her, but Lottie was sure that wasn’t it. After all, it wasn’t unlike Natalie to just… disappear.

“Hey!”

“...Hey?”

“So…” Lottie awkwardly clasped her hands behind her back, her cheeks puffed out. With an exhale, she tried to dissipate the tension in the air. “Fancy seeing you here.”

With an expression that almost spelled out her shock, Natalie scoffed at her. “At the building of my major?” Casually, she stuffed a cigarette fished from her pocket between her lips. “Shouldn’t I be the one saying that?” She hadn’t looked at Lottie once . Instead, she brushed her hair to the side before lighting the cigarette with a lighter.

“I mean,” Lottie cleared her throat before trying to remind herself of, well, herself. This was innately uncool, un-smooth, and un-Lottie. She couldn’t be the same girl that had the reputation of being a lesbian carousel. Mentally, she cursed Van and Taissa. She didn’t have to be doing any of this if it weren’t for the two of them. Yet, she didn’t exactly feel totally against the idea of seeing Natalie again. Actually, she felt some sense of relief seeing her be okay. High school wasn’t kind to either of them. Sharing those moments of vulnerability and intimacy together back then; she felt like she knew Natalie like a sister. “I just… Hasn’t it been too long? Is it so bad that I want to talk to my fellow Yellowjacket? Or former, anyway.”

Pursing her lips together in a manner that was obviously mocking Lottie, the blonde started to nod her head. “Right, right. So… You just so happened to wanna talk to me for the first time after that entire mess in high school?” Deliberately blowing the cigarette smoke towards her face, Lottie tried her best not to grimace and mustered up her courage.

“C’mon, Nat. That was high school. Things are... different.” She shifted her weight from one foot to another, wanting to take control of the conversation. “Like, you don’t do soccer anymore.” Using her height against Natalie, she leaned on the tree right by her, glancing down. “I’m not sure about the team, but I can tell you that I definitely miss having you by my side as a midfielder.”

The more she went on, the more Natalie rolled her eyes further into her skull. “Give it up, Matthews.” She groaned, flicking the ashes of her lit cigarette onto the ground. “If you’re trying to hit on me, at least use that as an opening. Because, frankly, I would rather…” With a forced smile across her face, her hands hovered over her neck, imitating a choking motion, before giving Lottie a faux sweet grin. “Before I have to ever talk to you again.”

“Matthews?” Lottie scrunched her face up in confusion, easily catching up to Natalie as she walked away. “You have never called me that once. Ever.” She wanted to kick herself, and then Van. Circling around herself, she couldn’t miss this opportunity. Knowing Nat, she would definitely disappear or actively avoid her as much as she could after this. “Tell you what, fine. I do owe you a conversation.” She bit her cheek through the lie. What the fuck was Nat even talking about? High school? “Come swing by on Saturday.”

“Hell no.” Natalie sternly spoke, along with pinched fingers. “Again, you’d have to have a barrel against my temple before I even think about stepping foot into your filthy frat house.”

“Come on. I know you missed me.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“You can’t resist me.”

Snickering, Natalie pushed Lottie away with just one tap of her fingertip. “Watch yourself, Matthews.”

-*-

“I fucking hate her! I fucking hate her!” Natalie practically shouted as soon as the door to her dorm room opened. “She’s such a fucking idiot.” She dragged herself to her bed and plopped face down, screaming into her pillows.

“What the fuck, Nat? It’s like, 11 AM.” Barely awake, Jackie groggily responded from the other side of the room. “I know this might be normal for you but please.”

“It’s not my fault. Fuck!” Unable to control her anger, she quickly sat up straight and pointed an accusatory finger at her roommate. “Did you know about this? What the fuck is going on?”

“Yeah, what the fuck is going on? I have no clue what you’re even talking about.”

“Lottie just… spawned out of nowhere and asked me to go to her stupid frat party on Saturday. Can you imagine? Me? At a frat party. Talking to Lottie.”

“Okay, and?”

“Answer me!?”

“This is the first time I’m hearing of anything.” Jackie rubbed at her eyes and began to rest her head on her palm. “And this… bothers you? Because you're… what? You’re too punk rock for Greek life? Or is it because you’ve been secretly writing love songs about her since July?”

Natalie froze, unable to tell her the truth.

Jackie raised an eyebrow. “...Oh.” Natalie looked at her like she just accidentally triggered a landmine. She swung her legs over the bed, more awake now. “Seriously? You just ghosted each other?”

“It wasn’t ghosting. It was… mutual avoidance.” Natalie collapsed back on the bed dramatically. “I didn’t think I’d ever have to see her again.”

“And yet,” said Jackie, grabbing her phone and scrolling like this is all just brunch gossip. “Here she is, ready to ruin your week with nothing but a smile and a red solo cup.”

Natalie groaned, her face covered with her hands. “She said she just wants to talk. Like that’s supposed to mean anything. Like we didn’t have whatever we had since junior year.”

Jackie looked up from her phone, her tone suddenly more genuine. “So… are you gonna go?

Natalie threw a pillow at her.

Jackie easily caught it with a smirk. “I’ll take that as a maybe.”

Natalie had no fucking clue why she was here —here as in, trying to blend into the wallpaper of Alpha Phi Omega’s jampacked fraternity house. And she definitely had no clue why her palms were so clammy, and why she kept looking up to see if Lottie was somewhere within her field of vision. She almost convinced Shauna to come with, not until Jackie stabbed her in the back and planned some stupid romantic picnic in a hill somewhere.

Her eyes peeked atop the rim of the red cup, searching for any sign of anyone she knew at all. Lips formed in a pout, she blew bubbles onto whatever this blue liquid was from the cooler dispenser. She was one stupid pop song away from going back to their dorms, but not until she saw Lottie sticking out like a sore thumb from the crowd: her height almost as good as a high-visibility vest in the dim light of the frat house, especially with the way the lights bounced off of her tan arms.

“Well, if it isn’t my favorite Yellowjacket.”

She could feel her heart threatening to come up her throat. The music definitely wasn’t helping: the twinkling sounds of the backtrack, the lyrics melting into the walls. Natalie had the willpower of a brick wall that was almost crumbling by the doing of one Lottie Matthews. “Gross,” was all she managed to get out before she downed the two remaining chugs of her drink.

Effectively trapping her against the wall of the staircase as Lottie towered over her, the rush of people coming up and down the stairs putting their bodies flush against each other.

“Sorry. It’s usually crazy around this time of year.” Lottie looked over her shoulder for a moment to glance upwards at the stairway, making sure that no one else was going to interrupt. With a clearing of her throat, she turned to face Natalie again. Nat wanted to burn the heavens and earth: there it was. There was Lottie with that same smile, her cheeks full with the joy on her lips. “How have you been?”

The words started running in her brain. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. She sucked in a sharp breath. Don’t you do this to me, Charlotte Matthews. She wanted to say.

“How have I been?” Her eyebrows shot up. “And here I thought you would have better questions to ask me than how I’ve been.”

God. She wanted to laugh. She wanted to tear the walls off this stupid frat house. Of course Lottie still had no idea how she felt - not even one glimmer of it. Natalie exaggeratedly grimaced at the distant whoops and whistles from her former teammates, Lottie’s now frat brothers. “Is that something that happens often?”

She saw a glimpse of how Lottie used to be back when they were alone together after school - sheepish, shy. “No,” she reassured Nat with a soft hand on her shoulder before sharply turning her head towards the small crowd across the kitchen. “They’re just being stupid!” Lottie shouted, her hand cupped beside her mouth, earning herself some thumbs down and boos.

“Okay then, why are you here even though you obviously said no repeatedly?” She smiled, her dimples poking out of her cheeks.

Nat didn’t want to say the truth, so she just spinned it, “I missed the team. And you said you wanted to talk, so talk.”

“Right,” she said slowly. “Yeah, I guess I did say that.” Turning around ever so slightly, Lottie threw a few glances over her shoulder then turned back to Natalie with a sickeningly sweet smile that made her want to choke. She cocked her head to the door, then spoke, “Let’s take this somewhere else?”

Rolling her eyes, Natalie begrudgingly gave her a small nod. Squeezing through the crowd, Lottie effortlessly maneuvered, with Natalie following close behind. By the front porch, there were a few strayed crowds talking amongst themselves, but at the very least, it wasn’t as nearly as packed or loud as it was inside. Backed against one of the corners of the porch, Natalie shifted her weight, arms crossed loosely in front of her. Her face stayed neutral, but her jaw ticked just slightly.

“I’ve been thinking about it,” Lottie said, voice low so no one else could overhear. “Trying to figure out when it started feeling... different between us.”

Natalie arched a brow, cautious. “Different how?”

“You know how.” Lottie glanced down, then back up, her expression soft in a way that made Natalie’s stomach tighten. “It was junior year. We were already closer than the other girls so I thought… I don’t know. A lot of things seemed to change after the camping trip.”

Nat looked away fast, like the very mention of it was a spotlight she didn’t want on her face.

“But that’s the thing,” Lottie continued, gentle now. “We were still close after. Like, really close. You were still over all the time. We still talked every day. But it felt like there was something just... hanging in the air.”

Natalie’s mouth twitched like she was going to say something—maybe a joke to deflect, maybe nothing at all—but she stayed quiet.

“You started flinching every time I got too close. And you’d look at me like you were mad, but I didn’t know what I did.” Lottie’s voice was barely above a whisper now. “So I just pretended nothing changed.”

Natalie finally looked up. Her eyes were sharp, gleaming under the kitchen lights. “You don’t get it, do you?”

Lottie straightened up slightly, suddenly uncertain. “Get what?”

“Oh my god, are you fucking kidding?” Natalie put on a faux sweet preppy voice, before turning to Lottie who was evidently not kidding. Defeated, she scratched at her eyebrow with her pinky. “Oh, you’ve got to be fucking joking, Matthews!”

“I’m not! I swear to God, I’m not, Nat. Scout’s honor.” The brunette raised her cup, attempting to put up three fingers. “This entire time everyone’s been referring to something like an inside joke that I’m desperately not part of. Seriously. What the hell went down on the camping trip?”

Natalie narrowed her eyes at Lottie, whose stupid brown doe eyes she could never resist. This was even worse: she was actually clueless. It felt better to hate her when she thought that she had deliberately led her on the entirety of junior and senior year and broke her heart, but now, she was at a crossroads. A lesbian crossroads where both roads led to Charlotte Matthews, no matter how much she hated it. She bit down on her lip and watched the passersby with wary eyes. “You don’t remember kissing me?”

All it took were those five words for Lottie Matthews to glitch. Or lag. But she definitely froze up, where Natalie knew those poorly-oiled gears in her brain were struggling to process the memory, or lack thereof. “Great. See you around never.” She started to walk away, tossing her solo cup into the other corner as she stomped past Lottie, then back into the party to grab her things.

“Wait, Natalie. Shit. I was drunk!” Lottie tried to steer through the tight crowd that swarmed their fraternity house, but failed to do so as smoothly as Natalie did.

“Oh, I’m sure, Matthews. Go fuck yourself.”

“Nat, cross my heart. The team got me wasted that night with freaking truth or dare. How was I supposed to remember that?”

“God!” Natalie finally turned to face Lottie, who practically pulled the trigger for her to get angrier. Fuck her stupid face, fuck her stupid sad expression. “Because they dared you to kiss the prettiest girl on the team! And sue me if I thought that meant something. Along with everything during senior year.”

Lottie flinched. Everyone that knew the two of them was turning to look now, the glances making Natalie suddenly self-aware of how loud she had just been, drawing a huge breath to speak to Lottie again. “I didn’t think you were stupid enough to forget, just stupid enough to lead me on the entire time. And even then, I thought…” She swallowed. All of the things she wanted to say were jamming up traffic in her brain, and none of them she could say out loud.

I thought we would eventually end up together? No.

I thought you would at least like me back? No.

Snapping her out of it, Lottie reached for one of her rolled up fists. “Nat. I don’t know what to say. I’m really sorry.” The sincerity of the way she spoke made Nat swallow.

Defeated, she threw Lottie’s grip. “Whatever, Matthews. Here’s your conversation.”

Throwing a middle finger behind her, Natalie stomped through the yard and disappeared into the night.

The next day, Mari and Laura Lee practically stormed into Natalie and Jackie’s dorm room without so much as a “hey.” Natalie was sitting on her bed, earbuds in, trying to disappear into her music, while Jackie was half-listening to a podcast and half-doodling on her laptop.

Mari practically tackled Natalie’s hands with a grin so wide it should have been illegal. “Oh my God, Nat, this is perfect. ”

Natalie yanked out an earbud, already bracing herself. “Perfect how exactly?”

“Perfect as in, you get to be our kind of Katniss, except you don’t start an uprising against the Capitol, you break Lottie Matthews’ heart. Like you know. Revenge. Sort of like Mean Girls, but make it lesbian and they’ve all slept with each other.” Mari’s excitement shot through the roof: it didn’t even need to be said. An exasperated sigh left Natalie’s lips, and she looked to Laura Lee for some semblance of sanity. Mari was pacing around their dorm while Laur Lee already made herself at home on the carpeted floor.

Of course this was how fast news got around. Especially with anything linked to Lottie.

“Or, maybe, we can just leave it up to I don’t know.” Laura Lee gestured vaguely. “Some sort of spiritual karma coming back to get her ass.”

“Have you slept with Lottie, Laura Lee?”

Laura Lee didn’t even blink. She shrugged, unconcerned, sipping from a mug like she was tasting fine wine. “Up for interpretation.”

Natalie blinked. “What the fuck does that mean?!”

“Not a no means a yes,” Mari sang, grinning like a cat with a mouthful of blood. “Come on, this is our shot! Think about it: you seduce her, she falls for you— hard —then bam , you break her heart like a stale candy cane.”

“Okay, first of all, that metaphor sucked,” Natalie muttered, crossing her arms. “Second, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

“I’m just trying to bring some fun back into your miserable little life!” Mari huffed. “And ours! The most excitement we’ve ever had on the team was when you and Lottie were a thing. Now it’s even more exciting that she’s lesbian Pete Davidson and you’re obviously still in love with her.”

“What are you even talking about!?” Natalie gawked at her. “I’m still on the part where Laura Lee slept with Lottie!” 

“Grow up, Nat. Almost every gay girl on campus has slept with Lottie. That’s just lesbian culture.”

“That’s not— God —that’s not lesbian culture.” Natalie shuddered before pointedly asking Mari, “And wait—have you slept with Lottie?” She turned to Mari with a look of betrayal.

“ Fuck no ,” Mari scoffed. “She tried to flirt with me once and I fake-choked on a mozzarella stick to get out of it.

“Jesus.” Natalie groaned and buried her face in her hands. “Am I gonna have to sleep with Lottie?”

“Wh—” A confused look on Mari’s face was drawn before she perked up immediately at the recognition. “Do you want to?”

Natalie paused a beat too long. “...No.”

“Oh my God ,” Mari practically howled. “You do. You totally do. You want to ride her like a bike stolen from a toddler—”

“I do not !” Natalie hurled a throw pillow at her head. Mari ducked and cackled like a gremlin.

Laura Lee leaned back against her bed frame, lips curled into a lazy smirk. “We all remember that night junior year, Nat. You made out with her in front of the entire team like it was Titanic and someone was gonna drown.”

“It was truth or dare! ” Natalie shouted, face flaming. In the two years she hadn’t been playing, she forgot how annoying the girls actually were outside of the lens of nostalgia.

“And yet,” Mari said smugly, “you kept going after the dare ended. You made that shit a double feature .”

“I hate this,” Natalie muttered, burying herself behind her pillows.

Mari hopped on her bed and started to rub her shoulders like a concerned therapist on acid. “Just admit it. You’ve got unresolved sexual tension and a golden opportunity to emotionally destroy someone. Live a little!”

Natalie glanced at Jackie for even just a little bit of help, who was smirking behind her laptop.

Mari grinned like she’d already won. “C’mon, Nat! We need the drama. The team’s been boring without you stirring things up.”

Jackie finally shut her laptop with a dramatic snap, giving Natalie a look. “If you go through with this, just don’t ghost each other again after one emotionally repressed heart-to-heart. The whiplash last time nearly gave me vertigo. And don’t do it in my house again.” She raised an index finger at Nat.

Natalie groaned, but a reluctant smirk tugged at her lips. “Thanks for the vote of confidence.”

Jackie shrugged. “I’m just trying to prevent another semester of ‘Do you think Nat hates me or just doesn’t text people back?’”

Mari pouted. “Fine. But if you do change your mind, we’re ready with popcorn and commentary.”

Natalie shook her head, smiling despite herself. “You people are insane. I swear.”

-*-

Natalie’s vision swam as she lurched down the sidewalk, her steps unsteady and her laughter spilling out in hiccups. The night had been longer and louder than she’d intended—too many shots alone in the dark, too many red solo cups at a frat she couldn’t name. The crisp spring air was cool against her flushed cheeks, but her mind buzzed with a relentless warmth that refused to fade.

She barely registered the familiar red-brick building until she practically tripped over the low stone wall lining the APO house. The lawn sprawled out ahead, the house behind it with lights barely on. Her heartbeat stumbled as her gaze landed on a lone figure sprawled in the grass.

Lottie.

Casually, she sprawled back with her arms behind her head, eyes closed, soaking in the night sky like she owned it. The streetlamp haloed her in soft gold, her dark hair splayed out like a halo against the green.

Natalie blinked twice, then took a clumsy step forward, half-wondering if this was some drunk hallucination. The way Lottie looked so calm, so untouchable, made Natalie’s chest tighten with a mess of things she wasn’t ready to name. Before she knew it, hot, angry tears were rolling down her cheek. Messily, she stumbled onto the lawn, surprising the apparition of Lottie.

“Holy shit, are you okay?” Her voice was filled with concern, and she helped Nat sit upright on the grass, who just quietly rubbed at her eyes, her fingers coming out lightly stained with her mascara and eyeliner.

“This is actually so pathetic.” Natalie chuckled through her tears. She wiped at her face with her fist, still gripping onto the bottle of vodka. “It’s been far too long for me to still not be over Lottie.” Defeated by her own weak psyche, she slid down to sit on the grass. “Stupid fucking Lottie.”

Beside her, Lottie shifted awkwardly. Was Nat far too drunk to realize the weight of the situation? She fidgeted with the hem of her sweater. It was eerily and unusually quiet for a night on campus. “Well… What did Lottie do?” An ass move, for sure. But she didn’t really know why Nat even hated her in the first place. Surely all of this vitriol wasn’t just misplaced. Glancing ever so slightly, she watched as Natalie chugged down the liquor straight from the bottle.

“Normally, I would let it pass. Make out with me in front of the entire Yellowjackets? Sure, why the fuck not. But everything else. Everything else. Why would she wind me up with so many mixed signals?! This week, it was ‘let’s paint each other's nails and I’ll stare at you with an obvious yearning look that makes it look like I want to kiss you every time you come over to my stupid big house!’, ‘Can you sleep fine? Do you want me to pick you up?’. Like of course, I’ll sleep next to her, still unable to sleep because she was right there! And of course I wanted to kiss her every time! Then the next, it’d be like ‘Hey, I’m dating this super nice girl! She’s everything you’re not!’. Like, fuck you! Fuck you, Charlotte Matthews!” She raised the bottle above her head and made it seem like she lost a debate with herself, ultimately just placing it beside her before hanging her head and groaning like a monster.

“Oh. That’s… a lot.”

Natalie scoffed. “There’s a lot more where that came from.”

“What if Lottie just…” she trailed off, letting her gaze wander. “Never knew you liked her like that?”

“Like that would have made a difference.”

“What if it would have meant the world of a difference?” Now focusing her attention on her shoelaces, Lottie felt so small knowing the truth about how Nat felt all of those years ago. She wanted to tell her the truth too: none of it meant anything. She was stupid, young. Thought that maybe dating someone else would make Nat realize something. Or that she would realize something. “What if Lottie liked you, too?”

Beside her, Natalie snorted in a laugh. “Well, that just means she’s the coward I always knew she was.”

“Maybe she just didn’t want to risk losing you.”

“Yeah, well. She did, anyway.”

“Yeah. She did, didn’t she?” The mood turning somber quickly, Lottie got up on her feet and cleared her throat. Her arm extended towards Natalie, she spoke, “You’re a long way from the dorms. Let me walk you there?”

Silently, Nat shook her head. “I can’t. Curfew is at 11.” Faced with an easy decision, Lottie pulled Natalie up, who leaned against her as if she was a lamp post. “You’re surprisingly sturdy, you know?”

“Nat. You know it’s me, right?”

“You who?” She scrunched up her face in drunken confusion. “Yoohoo!” Natalie suddenly giggled and spun around, causing her to fall back onto the lawn.

“Christ, Natalie. Let’s just get you inside, okay?” It wasn’t difficult at all to lift up Natalie, with their notable height difference and Lottie’s regular practice. “You have to be really really quiet if you don’t want anyone finding out you’re at Alpha Phi Omega, Natalie. Do you understand?”

“Alpha Phi Omega? Oh my gosh, Lottie!” She had dealt with a drunk Natalie before, but not this drunk. Her face was practically buried in her neck, easily causing Lottie to tense up and blush. “You’re so warm.”

“Natalie, behave yourself,” Lottie whispered in a low volume as she attempted to quietly open the door with Natalie’s arm around her shoulder, her entire weight being carried by the taller woman. Her breaths came out shakily, not because carrying Natalie was a hard task, but simply because it was Natalie she was carrying up her room.

As soon as Natalie was sprawled out on her bed, Lottie turned to her closet to grab her a change of clothes. “Here. I meant to return these to you anyway.” She handed her an oversized band shirt that she didn’t recognize (Who even was Porch Light?), along with a pair of plaid pajamas.

Before she could even turn on her heel to grab her water bottle, Natalie was already undressing, her red bra a stark contrast from her pale skin. “Woah woah, hey! What the fuck!” She couldn’t fight the flush that was creeping up her neck and cheeks, pulling down Natalie’s shirt. “Don’t take your shirt off here !”

Looking like a sad puppy, Natalie pouted at the edge of Lottie’s bed. “What, it’s not your first time seeing a girl undress on your bed.” Despite her adorable expression, Lottie was sure that she was sobering up even just a little bit, evident by her retort.

“Well, you’d be right, but that’s… you’re different, okay? So I’ll just get some cold water downstairs and you can go change when I’m not… looking or in the same room.” Lottie tried her best to remain collected, dismissing her with a wave.

Natalie tilted her head at Lottie, then looked up at her through her lashes. “So you were looking?”

“Not intentionally, you ass!” By instinct, she tossed a throw pillow towards Natalie, who languidly put one foot in the air to catch it. “I’ll be quick.” She placed the folded clothes down gingerly on her desk, to which Natalie silently nodded.

Pacing herself down the stairs, Lottie made a mental note to be as nimble as possible and not be caught. But before she could even turn the light on in the kitchen, its motion-activated sensors lit up the corner kitchen, with Van standing up right in the middle, her arms crossed.

Rightfully so, Lottie started to scream, frozen in place. “What the fuck, Van! I could’ve attacked you with a knife!”

“Yes, but you won’t. Because you’re not here for that.” Van stared up at her with raised eyebrows. She knew exactly what she meant. “Lottie.” She called her, as though a warning.

“Don’t tell anyone else but Nat is in my room. I’m just grabbing a few bottles of water.”

“Water, because you’ve…?”

“Ugh, stop being so dirty-minded, Palmer.” Lottie rolled her eyes as she opened the refrigerator and fished out two bottles of water. “I’m just… being friendly.”

“Right, right. Like the way you’ve been friendly to every girl you’ve brought to your room?” Van flashed her a smile, and Lottie tapped the top of her head with a water bottle.

“Give it up, Van. Nothing’s happening between Nat and I.”

“Not yet, anyway.” Van nudged shoulders with her as she shimmied out of the kitchen. “Let me know if you’re willing to bet something else.”

“Van. Are you serious?”

“Of course not!”

“Ugh, asshole.”

“It’s just a game.” Lottie rolled her eyes as she walked upstairs with three cold water bottles in one hand. “Let me know if you’re the winner!”

Behind her, she closed the door with the heel of her foot and immediately looked for Nat, who was sprawled out on the side of her bed, her legs hanging down its frame. At least now she was clothed. She tried to quietly step, but Natalie was more vigilant than she thought.

“Are you hiding? I can see you.”

“Oh.” Lottie stood up right, then scratched at her eyebrow. “You should drink some water to sober up. If you need the bathroom, I can help you get to the end of the hall.”

Natalie giggled, staying where she was. “Are you gonna watch me pee?”

Flustered at her absurdity, Lottie exhaled sharply. “No, I am not. Here, don’t make me tell you twice.” She opened the bottle and handed it to Natalie, sitting by her bed. Even if she didn’t want to, Nat did as she was told and drank a few sips of the water.

“Okay, now me.”

“What do you mean?”

Natalie gestured with her hand vaguely, then slurred, “You’ve been telling me to do all of these useless things. Now it’s my turn to tell you what to do.”

“No, it’s not.” Nat clicked her tongue.

“There you go again!”

“Well, excuse me if I’m not down to my waist deep in alcohol. I get to call the shots because I’m a hundred percent sober.”

Ignoring her completely, Natalie beckoned her with a wave of her hand. “Come here.”

Cautiously, she sat down on the bed beside Nat, who clumsily tried to sit up and then grabbed Lottie’s hands. “Tell me something no one else knows about you.”

Lottie furrowed her eyebrows. “ Now ?” Nat nodded her head firmly, making her actually ponder it. “I have a backpack full of sex toys in my closet.”

“Pssh.” Nat grumbled, her cheek adorably squished above her palm. “Something fun! And I said no one else!”

She figured it was best to just entertain her. “...I still have your number saved the same way I have since high school.” Beside her, a laugh came out of Natalie that she had never heard before: loud, brash, real.

“That stupid picture?!” She was talking about freshman year of highschool, the first time they saw each other on the team. Jackie made it a prerequisite to have everyone on the team saved on your contacts, for emergencies and for when you were out. It so happened that, headed by Van, all of their photos were ridiculous pictures taken by each other after a certain practice session, in the 0.5 angle.

“Yeah! I always thought you looked cute. Little freshman you.”

There was a silence before Natalie breathed out, “I never deleted yours either.” Her eyes lacked subtlety in the way they kept darting towards Lottie’s lips, who wasn’t sure what type of move to make in this kind of situation.

Turning away from Natalie, she wanted to avoid making any missteps. “Come here,” Lottie said quietly, brushing a thumb under Natalie’s eye. “You’ve got mascara all down your face. You look like you lost a fistfight with a raccoon.”

Still mostly drunk, Natalie put out her bottom lip in a pout, the lip gloss once there now long gone. Reaching towards her bedside drawer, Lottie pulled out a bottle of micellar water and poured it onto a cotton pad. She moved slowly, carefully, almost reverently as she stood between Natalie’s knees, wiping the smudges from under her lashes.

“This is embarrassing,” Natalie murmured in admission, avoiding her gaze.

“Why? I think you look hot like this.” Lottie smiled, then caught herself.

Natalie huffed a small laugh, blinking up at her. “You’re always like this with the other girls too?”

“No,” Lottie said, her voice suddenly quieter. “Just with you.” It was strange how Natalie had been so still the entire time, letting Lottie remove her makeup. Letting Lottie in close.

She paused, turning the cotton pad to the other side. They were too close. Natalie’s breath smelled like tequila and menthol cigarettes, and she was now bare-faced, but she was beautiful in that lived-in, messy way Lottie always remembered from late nights at the penthouse. Eyes soft. Shoulders relaxed. Open.

Lottie tossed the cotton pad to the trash bin beside her bed, then shifted where she sat beside Natalie. Has she ever had drunken sex before? Yes. Did it matter that it was Natalie Scatorccio? With the way her entire body was feeling like it had been lit on fire? Absolutely, it did.

Sure, there were days when kissing Nat had crossed her mind. Especially whenever it was just the two of them at the penthouse and they were laughing about things that weren’t important. Those nights that she could feel her cold skin brush against hers when they slept on the same bed. Nat was right: she had been wanting to kiss her the entire time they were supposedly friends.

And she didn’t exactly remember how Nat kissed her during the camping trip, but it must have been something like this: her hand firm on Lottie’s neck, her lips soft yet rough, the feeling of her so inviting and warm.

Instinctively, her hand travelled inside of Nat’s shirt, the skin of her stomach smooth and cold. Natalie’s hands flew to its hem, quickly undressing herself of the inconvenience it posed between them. God, all of it was passing by in a blur. Lottie wanted to make it last, wanted to remember the feeling of Natalie under her touch, but she was getting lost in her. Natalie had her pinned down on her bed, her legs straddling her hips. In the moonlight that shone through her window, she looked absolutely breathtaking. Her messy, blonde hair that fell in front of her face, her alluring gaze, her freckled shoulders and chest; it was everything. Lottie could feel herself blush, her breath getting stuck in her throat. At her inaction, Natalie giggled on top of her.

“Lottie.” She leaned down with a wicked smile on her face, her raspy voice singing her name. Her hand reached for Lottie’s, which were notably sweaty, making her laugh even more. “Nervous?” It was only a question but Lottie could feel the lump in her throat, and a shaky breath barely made its way out of her. Biting down on her lip, she managed to nod once.

Natalie’s face was way too close for her to ease her nerves, or anything else. She could practically hear the way Lottie’s heart was pounding through her chest, moreso when she guided her hand up her torso and on her chest. With everything she had in her, Lottie tried not to crumble at the sound of Natalie’s moans when her thumb brushed against the lace of her bra, her fingertips tracing the steel piercing of her nipple.

Never had she been this flustered, Lottie thought to herself, but she felt no shame in the way she acted. After all, Natalie wouldn’t remember this by morning.

That was right. Natalie wouldn’t remember any of this.

This wasn’t right.

“Nat, I…” Lottie snapped herself out of it and blinked twice before shoving Natalie off her, who stared at her in bewilderment. “Just go to sleep. You’re drunk off your ass and I know that you sure as hell wouldn’t want this to happen if you were sober.” She ran a palm through her face, never having felt so aggravated before. Not at Natalie, never. Just… this entire situation was too messy, considering their history that she wasn’t even aware of before last week, her reputation, this stupid ass bet, and the two of them combined. It was volatile, to say the least.

Sat up on the edge of her bed, Lottie grabbed the shirt that was tossed on her desk and with great effort, pulled it down through Natalie’s head and into her arms. Defeated, dazed, and still drunk, Natalie’s eyes were closed, her lips in an exaggerated pout. “Aren’t you going to sleep beside me? Or kiss me some more?”

“Forget it, Nat.” Lottie paced around her room before finally deciding to retrieve a pillow from her desk chair and throwing it down on the floor. “I’ll sleep on the floor. Drink water, okay?” Suddenly feeling an exhaustion wash over her, she plopped down on the carpet and sighed as softly as she could. She couldn’t remember the last time she was cockblocked or given blue balls, especially self-inflicted. Sure, she could’ve let the night stretch on and slept with Natalie, which also would’ve solved the bet problem with Van and Taissa. But she had rules, principles. She couldn’t do that to anyone. And she would never do it to Natalie.

Staring at the ceiling, Lottie tried to ignore the warm rhythmic thrum between her legs, completely embarrassed. She shouldn’t have let herself get carried away in the first place. She had never been so uneasy in her own room, tossing and turning all night. It must've taken her three hours before she finally fell asleep.

A soft, raspy “What the fuck!” woke up Lottie from the stiff carpet of her room, but another shrill “What the fuck, Lottie!” made sure she got up from where she was laying down, her eyes barely open when she looked at Natalie. “Matthews! What the fuck!”

“Keep it down!” She told Natalie off, her eyebrows knitted together. Rubbing the sleep out of her eyes, she turned her head towards her. “Did you just call me Lottie?”

“What the fuck did you do to me last night?” Despite being fully dressed, Natalie pinned Lottie’s blanket to her chest, earning a scoff from Lottie.

“First of all, how dare you insinuate anything like that!” Lottie snickered as she got up, running a hand through her hair. “I’ll have you know, not only did you show up to our doorstep wasted as hell, but you were calling my name two streets down, and made a move on me when I tried to get you to sleep off being shitfaced.”

The more she went on, the more Natalie’s face fell in disbelief, her index finger raised. “You are such a fucking liar, Matthews.”

“Am I? How else would I know you went here, intentionally, with a red lace bra?” earned a skeptic look from the blonde on her bed, who hooked her finger at the neck of her shirt, only to scream every profanity existing and start throwing pillows at Lottie, who didn’t even bother trying to dodge or parry. “Geez!”

“You freaking pervert! Of course you would take a look while I’m drunk!”

“Would you quiet down?!” Lottie picked up a pillow from the floor and tossed it back towards her bed in a nonchalant manner. “Again. You made a move on me , which I had to humbly reject, I’ll have you know.”

Still rightfully suspicious, Natalie glared at her. “So nothing happened between us last night?” Lottie refused to turn around: she couldn’t lie to Natalie about that. There was a silent beat in the room that tensed up the atmosphere. “Matthews?”

Lottie hummed, unsure how to answer without inadvertently causing Natalie to crash out in her bedroom, but without lying either.

“ Lottie . Did something happen between us last night?”

“Uh…” She began, finally facing Natalie, whose eyebrows shot up at her flaccid attempt to keep her calm. “You did sort of still pin me down on my own bed and kissed me.”

“Please tell me you’re joking or you’ll have to stab me.” Natalie grit her teeth and held her head in her hands. On the floor, Lottie started to tidy up her blankets before looking at her. “Please?”

Deciding to help Natalie save face, Lottie settled on brevity. She couldn’t exactly lie or backpedal, but omission was the least she could do. “Trust me, I’m not. By the time you were at the door, you had already drunk like most of a bottle of vodka.” Sunlight was spilling into the room, and Lottie had to squint just to look at Natalie. “How are you feeling, anyway?”

“Fine.” She looked perplexed at the simplicity of the question. “I think the headache is more from being in the proximity of the general presence of your existence, and less from a hangover. So, let me get this straight. I didn’t wear this on my own last night.”

“Yes, you did.” The first time, anyway. Lottie bit her tongue from saying it and stood up.

“But.” Natalie furrowed her eyebrows together and stared down at her shirt. “This isn’t mine.”

“Yes, it is,” Lottie said affirmatively. “It was what you wore the last time you ever stayed at the penthouse.”

She wasn’t doing it, but Lottie could practically hear Natalie’s thoughts out loud. She probably doesn’t remember it, but it was the last weekend before prom. In retrospect, Lottie knew there was something bothering Nat then, but didn’t want to badger her by asking too many questions. That night, Nat went home alone with maroon nails.

Natalie looked down at her shirt, then a recognition hit her. “You kept this for years?”

At the confrontation, Lottie shifted on her bed. “Well, yeah.”

Deciding that this wasn’t the time to start anything with Lottie, she shook her head. “I have a class in two hours.” Her humility getting the best of her, she hung back before closing the door. “Thanks, by the way.”

Stunned, Lottie was speechless, unable to say anything else but, “You’re welcome.” She couldn’t even offer to walk Natalie out of the house, but figured she was creative and resourceful enough to figure her own. As Nat left, she let out a heavy sigh. She didn’t know what to make out of any of this. In her frustration and confusion, she pulled out a pocket journal and started scribbling on its pages.

After what happened, in her embarrassment, Natalie made a conscious effort to be avoiding Lottie at all costs.  They hadn’t meant to run into each other. But as she was walking to her dorm after class, she couldn’t mistake the sight of Lottie.

She could’ve ducked out of sight. Crossed the street. Pretended to be on the phone. But instead, she just stopped. Frozen mid-step, like some part of her brain was still catching up to the image in front of her.

Lottie was already looking at her.

They stood there for a beat too long — silent, still, and unsure. Then Lottie gave a small, polite nod. Like they were acquaintances. Like they hadn’t once meant something to each other. Like Lottie didn’t keep her shirt for three years. Like Nat didn’t still have feelings for her all this time.

Natalie broke first. “You still do that thing,” she said, voice flat.

Lottie blinked. “What thing?”

“That stupid thing where you just nod at me from across the hallway if we’re fighting.”

“Are we fighting?” Lottie smiled faintly, though it didn’t quite settle on her face. “Or am I still mixed-signals Lottie?”

Natalie didn’t answer, but a defeated sigh escaped her lips.

“I know I should’ve said something if I felt like there was something wrong between us. Back then. Or I should’ve texted you, at least. But I didn’t.” Lottie winced at her own cowardice. “I’m sorry.” The way she said it made Nat flinch. Like she was who she used to be in high school. Her sweet, gentle Lottie. “I know that may not mean much, but maybe we can start over.”

“Get real, Matthews. This isn’t high school anymore. We’re not… We’re just not who we used to be.”

“You can’t seriously think that after just quitting soccer.”

“Yes, I do, Lottie.” Her voice rose. “You think that because you didn’t. You’re still around the same crowd, still have the same friends. But it’s just not like that for me. For the first time in my life, I have a life away from home. You know what it was like for me.”

“I do know, Nat. Because it was like that for me, too.”

“What, Daddy didn’t give you enough attention because he was busy stuffing his pockets?”

“Don’t be an ass, Nat.”

“Sorry, muscle memory for you.”

“You were the only place that I could escape to. Even at home.”

That hit. Natalie took a step back. She almost folded right then and there, because Lottie had always known exactly how to say something that sounded like a truth and a trap in the same breath.

“Look,” Lottie continued, softer now. “Neither of us had a real family until we joined the team. But the two of us, that was different. Right?”

Natalie looked at her, eyes dark and tired. Her voice was quieter now, but no less honest. “Yeah. And that’s why it’s worse.”

Lottie frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I mean… it’d be easier if you were just another shitty memory. But you’re not. You were the only good part of any of it. And now when I think about you, I don’t know how to hold that without everything else flooding in. You’re not safe, Matthews. You’re familiar. And that’s not the same thing.”

They stood in silence again. Not angry — just overwhelmed by the weight of what hadn’t been said for years. By the fact that sometimes two people are made of the same wound.

After a long pause, Lottie finally said, “I don’t know if I’m supposed to apologize. Or if I should just walk away.”

Natalie didn’t answer. Not right away. She just stared down at the ground, scuffed her shoe along the edge of the concrete. And then she looked back up, meeting Lottie’s eyes for the first time since everything ended.

“Just walk away.” She didn’t say it wholeheartedly, but Lottie didn’t walk away, instead, she pulled her into a hug. Stunned, Natalie couldn’t say anything.

“I don’t want to walk away from this anymore, Nat. Even if it annoys you to death, I’ll make it up to you.”

And just like that, Lottie tapped the top of her head and jogged away.

The campus library was quiet in that particular way it always was on late afternoons—bathed in orange light and hushed murmurs, where even the sound of flipping pages felt intrusive. Natalie lingered between two shelves, her eyes scanning titles she wasn’t actually reading. Her focus was elsewhere, and it had been since the second she spotted the unmistakable slope of Lottie’s shoulders across the room.

Lottie was seated at a table by the window, one leg pulled up under her, earbuds in, surrounded by the kind of chaotic spread of notebooks and pens that looked more like a performance of studying than actual work. Natalie didn’t mean to stare. She just… forgot how not to. Back then, Lottie would have her hair up in frilly dresses and weird braids, but she was a striking image of the opposite of that now: a half-zip sweater, and a backwards cap on, her long hair hanging loosely.

Lottie looked up, right on cue—of course she did—and met Natalie’s gaze like she’d been expecting it. She pulled out one earbud and smiled. Not smug. Just warm. Familiar.

“Stalking me now?” she asked, voice low and amused as she walked over, hands in the pockets of her hoodie.

“Please,” Natalie said, glancing at the spine of a book she’d just grabbed at random. “Don’t flatter yourself.”

Lottie leaned casually against the shelf. “You’re in the Political Theory section.”

Natalie raised an eyebrow. “And?”

“You once said, and I quote, ‘I’d rather die than read about dead men who loved capitalism.’”

A pause. Not awkward. Just... weirdly tight like a knot. They stood close, closer than they probably should have, Lottie’s eyes searching her face with a careful kind of curiosity, like she was still unsure which version of Natalie she was allowed to see today.

“Anyway,” Natalie muttered, stepping back first. “Good talk.” She turned, already moving to leave, when Lottie’s voice stopped her.

“Wait.”

Natalie looked back. Lottie reached past her—deliberately not touching—and placed a folded piece of paper on the book Natalie had been holding. Her fingers lingered for just a second too long before she pulled back.

“For later,” she said softly, with a hint of that old mischievous lilt in her voice. “If you’re still pretending to read.”

Natalie didn’t say anything. Just pocketed the note without unfolding it and disappeared down the aisle, heart beating harder than she wanted to admit.

Lottie didn’t watch her go. She just slipped her earbud back in and smiled faintly to herself, tapping her pen against her notebook, as if already composing the next move.

As soon as she was in her room, Natalie threw her backpack on her bed and pulled the note out of her pocket. Looking at the yellow sticky note like it was staring back at her, she hesitated for a moment before unfolding it.

Let’s stop lying to each other. The first step is you stop pretending you hate me.

She rolled her eyes, half-smiling, then stuffed it back in her notebook, burying it under other papers. “I’m going to lose my mind over Matthews,” said Natalie, not particularly addressing Jackie from across the room, but she already looked up.

“More than you already are?”

Nat flopped onto her bed face-first and sighed. “She’s just everywhere. Like a disease or something. Probably stalking me. Then left me a dumb note that told me to ‘stop pretending I hate her’ . Ugh.”

All she hears is a snort from Jackie, then, “Honestly just sounds like she’s trying to get to you.” She made a sort of sound with her lips, blowing air through them. “You two are an obvious pair of bumbling idiots. Just text her. I know for a fact that you still have her number.”

Natalie shot her a glare. “I don’t want to text her first.”

“Just see what happens, god! The worst case scenario is that you don’t reply again. That’s it.”

She considered it, biting down on her lip. “I don’t know, Jackie. I’m scared, okay?” She says it for the first time. She was scared. Everything felt so familiar and different at the same time.

“Scared doesn’t mean no. And if I know you, texting Lottie isn’t the worst thing you can do to yourself.”

Exhaling, Natalie grabbed her phone from her pocket. “Fine. But if this blows up in my face, you owe me a drink. More than a drink.” Jackie laughed.

“You have yourself a deal.”

to Lot

im not pretending, stalker

to nat <3

whatever, if youre done with that help me with this song

It was the first time Natalie remembered that Lottie was indeed still studying. Based on what Jackie has always been telling her about the team, Lottie was taking up Media Studies. She hated it when Jackie was right. Because that single text turned into them talking to each other until late in the night and finishing a song for an assignment. It almost felt like high school again.

That night, like she would when she was a junior, Natalie slept with her phone open.

-*-

This wasn’t Lottie’s usual scene.

She was used to colored lights overhead and loud blaring music, bodies up against each other, and suspicious cocktail mixtures. But she had received a text from Jackie that she should come to some place and see Nat, which was definitely weird, but her curiosity got the best of her. Her eyes had been scanning the entire place ever since she got here, trying to get even just a glimpse of Nat.

When her eyes glanced over the stage illuminated by a few lights, there she was.

“Hi everyone,” Natalie breathed into the mic. “I hope you’re all having a good time tonight.” There was a small laughter from her lips, then a riff from one of her guitarists. “It’s a relatively short set, so for my last song, it’s an original piece.” She shifted the electric guitar in front of her, suddenly seeming self-conscious. “Feel free to ignore me if it’s corny, I wrote it about a girl who didn’t love me back in high school.”

Lottie flinched where she stood, her hand moving twitching slightly as she raised her glass of a mocktail. Loved, huh? She wanted to travel back to the past and beat up her past self with a stick. Of course Natalie had loved her all that time and she was this bumbling idiot. No wonder she hated her now.

She watched in awe as Natalie’s hand moved against the fretboard of her maroon electric guitar and absorbed herself in the music as soon as it started.

“I think I’m losing myself. I feel like I’m too attached to someone I might let go if things get really bad,” Natalie sang into the mic, still completely unaware of Lottie in the crowd. The composition of the music was hypnotic in the way that it was catchy yet so devastating at the same time. The soft blend of the guitars and the passionate percussion of the drums, along with Natalie’s soft yet rugged voice was pulling in Lottie.

She got to the chorus, the part she always avoided finishing, but something in her cracked open mid-verse: “Do you think I’m worth the risk?” Her eyes were closed, fully immersed into the sound of her own music. When her eyes fluttered open, there was Lottie sticking out like a sore thumb, as always. In the crowd filled with alternative people, Natalie almost couldn’t spot her if she wasn’t so tall. Wearing a leather jacket and jeans, she almost blended in. “Baby I’m not good at this, I might disappoint you.”

Her fingers faltered against her guitar, her voice almost not coming up her throat. Lottie was looking directly at her. She was the only person looking at her, and not just listening to her. Natalie didn’t stop playing, but her fingers trembled over the strings, breath caught in her throat. The rawness in her voice sharpened. The rest of the song poured out like a confession she hadn’t meant to give. By the final note, the silence in the bar felt like it was pressing against her chest.

At the tension that hung in the air, even in the distance between them, Natalie immediately wanted to excuse herself from the stage, leaving her band behind. She desperately needed a drink. Not even bothering to look back at Lottie, she made a beeline for the bar, ordering a shot of tequila that went straight down her throat.

Even this was heavy for her, Lottie had to admit. She wanted to give Natalie her space, and ultimately, she ducked out of the bar to get her car started. In a matter of just minutes, there she was: holding a guitar case in one hand, her leather jacket keeping her warm in the cold February air. Adorably enough, she was bundled up in a red knitted scarf that obscured the lower half of her face. She didn’t expect Lottie to be waiting outside: leaning against the passenger side of her ridiculous red convertible, looking up expectantly at Natalie.

“Come on, Scatorccio. It wouldn’t kill you if I gave you one ride to campus. Join me?”

“Actually, yes. Yes, it would kill me, Matthews.” Natalie pursed her lips and averted her gaze away from Lottie, whose arm was against the door of her red convertible. She pretended to look at the cars coming and going, like she had an actual ride back home. As much as she hated it, Lottie was right. She was either walking home in the dead of the night in these insufferable boots or going with Lottie.

“I don’t see any of your friends. Or an Uber picking you up any time soon.” The brunette looked over her shoulder, then for a second there, it seemed like she actually cared about Natalie’s well-being. “Think nothing of it. Why are you being such a flirt, anyway? Always thinking my genuine actions as a friend mean things.” She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively at Natalie, who was less than amused.

“Oh go fuck yourself, Matthews!” She stomped on the curb towards Lottie’s car, having no choice but to fling the passenger door open and sit down on the seat, arms folded across her chest.

“You’re always saying that word around me. You don’t have to make it so obvious, you know?” Lottie pressed on as she turned the key to the ignition. Beside her, Natalie rolled her eyes at the quip. “And there it is! You either tell me some iteration of fuck or just wordlessly roll your eyes at me. Sooo edgy.” At the comment, the blonde shoved at her arm with the safest amount of force she could, considering that Lottie was driving. “Ow!”

“Don’t pretend you didn’t deserve that, you ass.”

“What about my ass? Do you like it?”

“Haven’t gathered enough evidence.”

“So, you want to?”

“You’re lucky you’re driving or else I would’ve beat your six-foot ass down.” Natalie was enjoying this. God, she was actually enjoying banter with Lottie. Never in a million years did she think she would feel like this again.

“Correction, I’m only 5’10. Besides, you're like, obsessed with me.” Without looking up from the road, Lottie raised a finger at Natalie, who scoffed at the presumptous hypothesis.

“Excuse me?! In what world?”

“In the world where you didn’t say no about wanting to get to know my ass. Or better known as this world.” She risked the momentary glance at Nat to flash her a wide grin, which earned a stifle from the blonde. Backtracking their route, Natalie looked at the shops they were passing by. This wasn’t the way back.

“Hey idiot, where are you taking me? This is going further away from campus.” She pulled herself up from her seat to use the car door as a ledge for her arms.

“I doubt you’ve had your fill of booze. Have you?” Lottie’s raven hair blew with the wind, which was so annoying. Of course the campus lesbian whore drove a vintage Cadillac and looked absolutely fucking gorgeous driving it. Except she was driving Natalie to the liquor store after finishing a show so far away from campus that no one else was able to come get her.

“You’re being a bad influence, Matthews.”

“Or just a good friend? I can’t drink, so might as well live vicariously through you for now.”

“How did you even know I’d be playing here tonight? Do you have a crush on me or something?”

“And if I said yes?”

Natalie rolled her eyes so far back she swore it reached her skull. “Ha. Now let me out.” She jokingly reached for the door from the outside and watched as Lottie’s eyes widened in panic, her long arm quickly strapping Natalie back into her seat. “No, seriously.”

“First of all, what the fuck. Never do that in my car again.”

“Don’t look forward to it. This is never happening again.”

“And second, through the grapevine. Around. Whispers and murmurs.”

“So, Jackie?”

“Yes, Jackie.”

“Ugh, that bitch.” Natalie rested her head against her temple. Of course Jackie would tell Lottie anything. She didn’t even have to ask twice. Jackie was practically down in her elbows trying to get everyone in the team in relationships with each other. “Did you have to stay until the end of the set? I was kinda hoping I could be all edgy without you in the crowd. I bet you have more important things… or people to do.” She teased. From where she sat in the driver’s seat, Lottie chuckled.

“If I didn’t stay, then another girl would be picking you up and I can’t have that.”

“Really now?”

Dragging her finger down her cheek, Lottie pouted. “Yup. It’d break my heart.”

“Cheeseball.”

“You like it.”

“You’re full of yourself.”

“Bet you wished you were filled with me.”

“Gross.”

The car started to slow down in front of a store that looked past its prime, its neon sign flashing in the night. “Are you here to kill me?” She joked, and Lottie turned the key to turn off the engine, rolling her eyes.

“I would’ve done that a long time ago if I wanted to do it.”

“Is that a threat?”

“Wait for me out.” Lottie jumped out of her seat and walked inside the store. With a sigh, Natalie hopped off the car and settled down on the curb outside the store. “Hey, Seven, think fast.” From the pocket of her jean jacket, Lottie had fished out a fresh carton of cigarettes and tossed it towards Natalie, who was taken by surprise, yet still managed to reflexively catch it between her hands.

“Oh my god!” Natalie exclaimed, in an excitement that practically shocked the bones off of Lottie, who was just settling into her seat on the curb beside her car. “I was starting to forget these pretentious ass cigarettes of yours. These were the fucking shit back in high school.”

“Wow, pretentious, huh? As opposed to, what, Marlboro menthols?” The end of Lottie’s cigarette shriveled in ash as she inhaled, the slim stick effortlessly sitting between her fingers. “Those are absolute dog-water shit.” The smoke rolled from her parted lips that curled up into a teasing smile.

“Where do you even get these? I remember the night of senior prom I was so miserable and I had just run out of the ones you gave me.” Natalie grabbed the box, as though scanning its details. “So I just settled with my dog-water shit cigarettes ‘cause I couldn’t find these anywhere. Not even online.”

“You’ll hate me for the answer.”

“More than I already do?”

“China,” earned a lengthy groan from Natalie, who made Lottie laugh beside her. “I told you you would hate it.”

“What, you go there every three months to buy six cartons?”

“My dad and I go every year.” The disdain from Lottie’s voice didn’t go unnoticed, especially with the sour look on her face. “He meets with his investors, I buy a year’s supply of my pretentious cigarettes without him knowing. Simple as that.”

“You’re awful, you know that?”

“For the cigarettes?” Lottie smirked, the ash falling to her feet while she rested her arm on her knees. “One would argue that my father’s way more awful.”

“Don’t make it a competition between fathers now. You know you’re going to lose.” The two of them chuckled, to which Lottie shook her head. “What I mean is, you’re a terrible influence. Just like I said you were.” She brought the cigarette up to her lips at the same time Lottie’s jaw dropped in shock.

“Me? News flash Natalie,” Lottie said, a funny intonation in the way she said her name. “I am not the one between us who brought pot, among other illegal substances, to the Taylor household, causing her to be grounded for the first month of summer before freshman year.”

Natalie pursed her lips then shrugged her shoulders. “Fair. But you’re the one who’s giving me a pack of fancy Chinese cigarettes at the curbside of a liquor store on a Thursday.” With her index finger, she poked Lottie’s chest, who scoffed.

“I’m just looking out for you.”

“Oh yeah? Sounds a lot more like you’re hitting on me.”

“And if I was, is it working?”

“Being a bad influence, yes.” Natalie took a swig from her beer bottle, then turned to look at Lottie with her lips puckered up in thought. “The flirting part needs a little bit of work. Good job on the cigarettes, though.”

Going along with her act, Lottie sucked her teeth and hung her head. “Damn, really? Here I thought I’d be winning you over by the end of the night.”

“Asshole.”

“Hey, you’re the one spending a night alone with the Lottie Matthews.”

“I’m not interested in having a taste of something so mainstream, so overhyped, overrated…” Natalie trailed off, rocking in her boots as she listed more adjectives that made Lottie laugh. “What, am I wrong? Don’t think I haven’t heard those rumors about you.”

Lottie’s eyes narrowed as she hummed, lighting a fresh cigarette between her lips. “What rumors?”

“Don’t be obtuse, Matthews.” Natalie nudged her with her shoulder. “You know exactly what I’m talking about. You might have gotten away with not knowing about the camping trip, but you’re not getting away with this one.”

“What are you, a misogynist?”

“What the fuck!?” Natalie was completely taken aback by her response and couldn’t hold back a guffaw. “Because I’m questioning you about your body count?”

“Yes, because you’re questioning me about my body count!”

“You, Matthews, are a master of misdirection. Just answer the damn question.”

Lottie drew a long breath before she glanced upwards, obviously trying to recall as much as she could. “Realistically, I only remember like twelve from the top of my head. And that’s starting freshman year, alright? It’s not like I’m… sleeping with a new girl every semester.”

Natalie gave her a look that said, Really ? It was Lottie’s turn to nudge her shoulder playfully. “Do the freaking math, Matthews. We’re only in sophomore year. Twelve is humble, you know damn well. That’s four semesters, meaning you have slept with three or more girls every semester.”

“Oh shit. It probably is four every semester then.”

“You are such an ass! How do you even not remember these poor girls?” Natalie shook her head as she took another bottle from the carton. “Mind you, one of these girls being Laura Lee.” Her face soured in disagreement before taking another sip.

“To be fair,” Lottie began, gripping on her kneecaps. “A lot of it happens during social situations where I get drunk off my face. I can tell on the basis of the difference of how they act with me around campus after. And Laura Lee was a one-off thing during the freshman mixer of Alpha Phi.”

“If this whole thing is a ploy to get under my shirt, then it’s hardly working.” Beside her, Lottie hummed pensively before chuckling.

“Should we play two truths and a lie?”

“So suddenly?”

“It’ll be fun, come on.”

Turning her torso so the two of them were facing each other, Natalie put her bottle down on the curb and pursed her lips. “I didn’t bring anything with me when I moved into the dorms; I have a stick and poke tattoo that I thought would be gone by now; Misty and I had a thing back in tenth grade.”

“Oh, that’s easy. The Misty one.”

“Damn it.” Natalie cursed before she drank out of her bottle. “Go on.”

Lottie took a drag out of her cigarette before she started to speak, a twinkle of mischief already in her eyes which Natalie deemed ominous. She raised an eyebrow at her, and Lottie couldn’t help but laugh. “I threw up the first time I ate a girl out.”

Natalie couldn’t take her seriously: a small stifled laughter came at first, then a laugh that would put her on the news came out of her chest. “Wow. That’s a strong start, Matthews.”

“I know.” Lottie gestured with her cigarette before she frowned. “I’ve been no contact with my father since freshman year, and lastly…” She trailed off, and there it was again. Natalie didn’t like where this was going, especially with the way mischief danced in Lottie’s brown eyes, but still, she sat in anticipation of what she would say next.

“I know where you’re hiding a pair of piercings.”

At the immediate embarrassment, Natalie instantly stood up with the lower half of her face covered with her hands. “Oh my god, kill yourself right now. That’s the fucking lie.” It had to be the alcohol. It had to be, because Natalie wanted the ground to swallow her up with the way her entire body was heating up.

She couldn’t take the way Lottie so nonchalantly shrugged her shoulders and crushed the cigarette beneath her sneakers. To calm herself, she had to pace in a circle while waiting for her to say something. And finally, Lottie flashed her a smile before saying, “It is.”

A breath so heavy passed through Natalie’s chest that she felt like she had to smoke 20 cigarettes at once just to get back the past five minutes of her life. “You’re such a fucking asshole.”

“Why’d you react like that if it’s a lie then?”

“What, do you wanna feel me up my shirt to know that it is?” She bluffed, not wanting to give Lottie the satisfaction of being right.

“Are you offering?” She wanted nothing more than to wipe off that smug look from Lottie’s face, but at the same time, why could she not stop herself from giving her so many openings? “I’m not hearing a no, Nat.”

“Shut up, you pervert.” Natalie fought the smile that was tugging at her lips, but she ultimately couldn’t help it. What the fuck was it about Lottie? She wasn’t at all like how she used to be in high school. Where was the demure, soft-spoken girl that would paint her nails black all Wednesday afternoon? No wonder girls on campus were throwing themselves left and right at her. “I had a dress for senior prom; I’m allergic to chocolate; and tonight was the first time I’ve been in a convertible.”

“Why didn’t you go?” Lottie asked her, before even attempting an answer. In her memory, Natalie had attended junior prom. Because of course, they had spiked the punch together. Back then, she wore a plain maroon dress that pooled at her ankles due to the dress being designed for someone taller. “And, it’s probably the chocolate one.”

“You’re good, Matthews.”

“Thank you!” She placed a hand on her chest, taking the comment to heart. “Now talk.”

Natalie shrugged. Did she have more to lose by saying the truth? Lottie already knew that she liked her back then. Fuck it, it had to be acceptable by now. “‘Cause you didn’t ask me.”

“Be serious.” Lottie elbowed her, and Natalie snickered. At the lack of a denial, Lottie frowned. “Nat.”

“I didn’t wanna spend such a monumental night moping in the bleachers because you were dancing with some other preppy girl.”

“Tell me what the dress looked like.”

“Does it matter?”

“Of course. I didn’t have my partner in crime for sneaking vodka into the gym and mixing in a criminal amount of it in the punch. Come on, just tell me.”

“Whatever. It was a silk… halter slip dress or something. In dark purple.” She wanted to dismiss the idea all together, put it back in the trove of the past where it belonged. Natalie waved her hand in front of her and scoffed. “I ended up having to donate it before leaving for here.”

Lottie’s face fell, the same way her heart sank. She sat in the silence of the night with Natalie, watching as the cigarette smoke rose up above them. Beside her, Natalie suddenly laughed, making her turn to look. “What’s up with that?”

“With what?”

Making a gesture with her hands, Natalie grimaced. “Like you’re sad.”

Not wanting to make Nat feel like she was patronizing her, Lottie nudged her with her shoulder. “I just missed you.” But she was sad. There was a profound guilt in the truth that she missed one of her best friends during prom night. Both in the way that she wished that she was dancing with her instead of her girlfriend at the time, and in that the said girlfriend was the very reason she wasn’t there. If she had just been a little less ignorant, she could’ve saved three people from their misery two years ago one evening.

“Shut up.” By now, the eyeroll was second nature when she was with her, but it was a lousy attempt to cover up the fact that Lottie sounded like she was actually telling the truth. She grabbed a single bottle of beer and pointed it towards Lottie invitingly. “Just share one with me.”

The night stretched out until the clock was ticking awfully close to 11. Just like Natalie had asked of her, Lottie shared a single bottle of beer with her, and they started to talk about memories of high school, shared a few laughs. Lottie knew she was already going to miss it before it was even over.

The car idled outside Natalie’s dorm. The street is quiet.

Lottie glanced over at Natalie, hesitant but resolute. She bit down on her lip, not sure if she should bring it up, but she decided that she didn’t want to run away from those types of things anymore. “Hey.”

“What’s up?”

“Did you write that song about me?”

Natalie froze, her eyes flashing cold as she turned to face Lottie. “You wanna talk about my stupid song now?”

“I don’t know. It just got me by surprise, I guess. Don’t get me wrong, you were fucking fantastic. Like an entirely different person.” She drummed her fingers against the steering wheel. “And I didn’t know you felt that way back then. I guess it made me feel…”

But Natalie, already annoyed at Lottie’s intrusion to her gig, embarrassed at her unintentional confession, spoke out, “You don’t get to have feelings about it, Matthews. That song’s mine . It’s not some invitation.”

“I’m not trying to—”

“ Save it, Matthews. Just drop me off. You’re not the center of my goddamn universe, no matter what you think.”

Lottie blinked once, hurt flashing across her face. “Alright. No need to be such a bitch about it.”

Natalie smirked coldly, eyes already turned away. “Maybe you should’ve thought about that before waltzing back into my life like you owned the place.”

The car sat heavy in silence. Lottie exhaled, glancing at Natalie’s closed-off posture as the engine hummed quietly.

-*-

“Hey, stranger.”

How could she not be flustered? Natalie tried her best not to slip and fall into Lottie’s arm, metaphorically, of course, because Lottie was too busy leaning against the door frame of their dorm room, holding a bouquet of wildflowers in one hand. She wanted to say something: a retort, an insult. Anything. But nothing was coming out.

Instead, her eyes fell on the note stuck to the wrapper of the bouquet, only to snatch it and pin it to Lottie’s forehead, and slam the door in her face.

As soon as her back was against the door, Jackie looked at her with a perplexed expression. Raising her arms, Natalie showed her jittery arms. “What? What was that about?” Jackie mouthed, intuitive enough to know Lottie was still behind that door.

“Fucking flowers, Jackie,” she mouthed back with stress on each word, to which Jackie squealed as quietly as she could, running towards Natalie to wrap her arms around her.

“Wait. Why flowers? Did she do something?” Jackie whispered to her and Natalie didn’t hesitate to nod firmly.

“Yeah. She was somehow a total ass and sweetheart at the same time last night.”

Natalie paced, rubbing her temples, muttering something incoherent under her breath as Jackie tiptoed over to the door.

“She’s still out there,” Jackie whispered.

“Don’t open it,” Natalie hissed.

“I’m just gonna look.”

Jackie cracked open the door and found Lottie still there, awkwardly rocking on her heels with a crooked smile.

“Oh, hey,” Jackie said brightly, with faux innocence. “You must be the reason my roommate is short-circuiting.”

“Hey Jax,” Lottie said, sheepish. She held out the bouquet. “These are for her.”

Jackie snatched the flowers before Natalie could protest from behind. “Aww. Thanks. I’ll take good care of them.”

“Wait—” Lottie tried to peer past the door, but Jackie had already begun to swing it shut.

“She’ll be in touch if she doesn’t combust.”

Jackie leaned back, eyes wide. Then turned to address Natalie again, handing her the flowers. “Okay. You can’t just say that and not explain. Start talking. What happened?”

Natalie flopped down on her bed, dramatically throwing the flowers onto Jackie’s. “I sang. She stood in the back like some kind of guilt-ridden Victorian ghost. And then she walked me home like nothing happened.”

Jackie blinked. “...You sang. About her?”

Natalie groaned, dragging a pillow over her face. “Not directly.”

“That’s not a no.”

“It’s an artistic interpretation of a breakdown.”

Jackie looked over at the flowers. “Okay, but like. What did she say? Did she apologize? Did she finally acknowledge—” she made a vague swirling motion with her hands, “—the giant, gay elephant in the room?”

Natalie peeled the pillow off her face just enough to glare. “She said I was amazing. And then we talked about ourselves. But not about the song. Not about us. Not really.”

Jackie narrowed her eyes. “So the answer is no.”

Natalie hesitated. “We were almost there. But argh. Jackie!” She pleaded, and Jackie raised an eyebrow at her. Her voice turned small, and she muttered, “You know me. I got mad then walked away.”

There was a beat. Jackie reached for the flowers, inspecting them like they held secrets. “These are really cute, though. Like, offensively cute. And very you.”

“I know,” Natalie groaned. “It’s enraging. I should throw them out.”

“Do you want to throw them out?”

“No!” Natalie said, too quickly.

Jackie grinned.

Natalie rolled her eyes and sat back up, letting out a long sigh. “I don’t know what she’s doing. Like. Is this just guilt? Or… does she actually—”

“Like you?” Jackie finished, gentler now.

Natalie didn’t answer at first. Her voice, when it came, was quiet. “I think she does. But I think she doesn’t know how to deal with it. Or maybe she’s afraid of messing it up. Or maybe she’s just a coward.”

“Well,” Jackie said, standing and offering the bouquet back to her, “cowards still give flowers. So maybe she’s learning.”

Natalie took them slowly this time, staring down at the crumpled note she’d pinned to Lottie’s forehead. The ink was slightly smudged from her fingers.

It read: For last night. And all the ones I never said anything during.

She didn’t say anything, but she didn’t throw them away either.

-*-

“You’re in my spot.” Lottie’s head snapped towards the voice, then laughed, the smoke coiling out of her lips. Natalie hated the way she looked: undeniably gorgeous as fuck. Her shiny raven hair fell off her shoulders in the way it would for a movie protagonist, her smile practically lit up the entire stadium.

“Your spot? This is the stadium. And last time I checked, you’re not playing anymore.” She was looking out the field now, her knees up to her chest. Then she looked back at Nat, who was just standing there, to pat the seat next to her.

Natalie snickered as she reluctantly sat down. “What, can’t a girl be emo and smoke while reminiscing about high school anymore?”

“Not alone.” Lottie glanced sideways, handing her lighter over to Nat, who hesitated to take it. “You didn’t burn through that pack I gave you, did you?”

She laughed, then shook her head. “No. You’re way too annoying to ask for one more if I finished it that fast.” At the mention, she pulled it out of her bag, the packaging still the same way it looked two nights ago, with only two sticks less. “Is Jackie just worse now or…?” Natalie brushed the hair out of her face, the sweet menthol filling up her chest.

Lottie hummed before taking a drag of her cigarette. “Are we talking Nationals as a reference?”

The memory of it was practically burned into her skull—Natalie groaned. Her entire body hurt for a whole month, give or take. “Practice was fucking brutal. Nationals was practically a death march.” Beside her, Lottie laughed.

“Who the fuck thought to make us run drills in the rain and do burpees after every missed pass? I thought my lungs were gonna explode.” She shook her head. “Only Jacqueline Elizabeth Taylor, everybody.”

“Remember how Van had to sneak in energy bars in her socks ?”

“Oh my god!” Lottie’s laughter rang out the entire stadium, it almost made Nat either embarrassed or proud, she couldn’t decide. “And she threatened to kick her off the team, like what the fuck? No one’s as good a goalie as Van is.”

“God, that was wild.” Lottie was right, somehow it felt better to look back on those memories if it wasn’t just her moping. She snorted in a laugh, then the laugh caught on her throat, making her choke.

“You okay there, soldier?” The brunette checked on her, but Natalie only nodded, then continued to laugh. “What is it?”

“Remember when Tai streaked during practice?”

“ Twice .”

“What the fuck was going through our heads in high school?” The two of them laughed, the sound of it mixing with the smoke up in the afternoon sun.

“I didn’t think we’d make it to nationals through all of that noise.” Lottie shook her head, the remnants of a laugh still falling out of her lips. “And you had the time and energy to pretend you didn’t have a crush on me, on top of it all.”

Natalie scoffed and shoved Lottie, earning an “Ow!”, which made her grin. “Dream on, Matthews. I was way too cool back then for that.”

Unconvinced, Lottie nudged her back with her shoulder. “Suuure.” She turned her body slightly to look at Nat. They share a charged look—teasing but layered with the weight of history and feelings not quite spoken aloud. Then, Lottie cocked her head to the side. “What are you doing on Friday?”

Natalie gave her a look. Friday? “Nothing. Just two classes in the morning. Why?”

Lottie shrugged. “I have a whole lot of nothing to do and a new ride. Join me for a drive to Wiskayok.”

She blinked, and said it before it registered, “Are you asking me out?”

“If it’s gonna make you say no, then no. But if it doesn’t matter, then yes.”

Again, Natalie closed her eyes slowly. She didn’t know what that meant yet, but Lottie was already grabbing her things and standing up. She bit down on her lip, and said, “Okay.”

She could see Lottie fighting a smile, which made her heart jump. Stupid heart. “Okay as in…?”

“Whatever, Matthews.” She shook her head and looked away, taking another drag of her cigarette. “I’ll see you on Friday.” She couldn’t decide what it was for her, either. Did it matter that it was technically a date? She had no clue, but she couldn’t keep her beating heart still and couldn’t take another look at Lottie in fear that it would give her away.

“I’ll text you!” Lottie shouted as she walked away, but Nat just buried her head in her hands.

That Friday, Nat felt like she was counting down the seconds, jittery all day. Lottie had texted her just this afternoon, vaguely asking how she felt about helmets and to not wear a skirt. As soon as she was back in her dorm, she started pacing back and forth in between getting dressed and fixing up her makeup. This didn’t go unnoticed to Jackie, which barely anything did.

“You heading somewhere?” Jackie asked her through the mirror, picking at her eyelashes. Natalie clasped on her necklace and nodded. “With?”

Natalie pursed her lips. “Does it matter?”

Jackie’s eyebrows shot up at her evasion. “...Yes?”

“Why?” She was half out the door, her attention being brought to her phone notification of a text from Lottie.

At the same time she noticed the date, Jackie shouted from the room, “Because it’s Valentine’s Day, you idiot!” Natalie practically ran back into the room and squeezed Jackie into a panicked hug. Gasping as she was putting on her lipstick, Jackie spoke, “Oh my fuck, it’s fucking Lottie.”

“Jax, I’m an idiot.” She buried her face in her shoulder, the heat spreading to her chest. “Why did I say yes? I thought this was just another … I don’t even know. God, she still has that effect on me. Jackie! What do I do!”

“Well, what did she say?”

“She just asked if I wanted to go around town. Town as in Wiskayok.”

“Natalie.”

“Yeah?”

“You mean to tell me, the girl you’ve had a crush on since high school asked you to go out on Valentine’s Day to drive around the town where you fell in love with her?”

“When you put it like that, it sounds horrible.”

“Yeah, horribly gay!” Jackie hit her on the top of her head with an eyeshadow brush. “That doesn’t sound at all like Lottie nowadays.”

“I don’t wanna do this, Jax.” She grumbled against her shoulder, refusing to let go and face the reality of the situation.

“Don’t wanna go or don’t wanna confront the fact that Lottie asked you out on Valentine’s Day?” Natalie shifted, still clinging onto Jackie. “So, the second one.”

“Yeah,” said Natalie weakly. Looking up at Jackie, she pouted. “What do I do?”

“What do you do? Girl, you already said yes! Just go, come on. You won’t lose anything unless you’re a virgin.”

At the quip, Natalie shoved herself off of Jackie. “Ugh, I forgot you’re also disgusting. Please don’t have sex with Shauna on my bed.”

“I’ll think about it,” Jackie sang teasingly, making Nat roll her eyes as she grabbed her bag where she tossed it. “Have fun, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”

“That doesn’t narrow it down!”

Finally having a vote of confidence, Natalie took in a breath and checked her phone. “i’m already waiting out” in a blue chat bubble from Lottie, sent three minutes ago. Walking down the stairs, she could feel her heart pounding against her chest. Despite asking Jackie for advice, she still hadn’t completely confronted the fact that Lottie asked her out on Valentine’s Date, and made that a very necessary omission.

Looking around the curbside, she couldn’t spot Lottie’s red Cadillac, and resorted to calling her. “Hey, are you standing me up or something?”

“Never. Look behind you.” Natalie’s jaw dropped on the floor, as well as her hand holding her phone. As she turned around, she couldn’t mistake that that was Lottie. Sitting in an idle motorbike with a leather jacket and sunglasses, and not just any motorbike: a Bonneville.

“Holy fuck, you showoff!” She punched Lottie’s arm, a little too seriously, because Lottie knitted her eyebrows at her. “Sorry.”

“I’m not even trying .” But Natalie shot her a look and she laughed, putting her helmet above her head. “I’m serious! I literally won this for a card game. Dumbass Sadecki doesn’t even deserve a ride this gorgeous.”

“You just casually won a Bonneville from Jeffrey Sadecki because of a card game ?”

“Yep.” Lottie walked around the bike to help Natalie into her helmet, her fingers slipping in between her chin and the strap, making sure it was secure. “You’re acting like this isn’t a normal thing that happens in parties.”

“You’re acting like it is!?”

Lottie shrugged. “I won my room from the other girls because of Go Fish. Then Tai bet on my final grade last semester for my first tattoo.” She casually lifted her shirt just enough to show a long stretch of vines and flowers spanning her hip.

Instinctively looking away, Natalie blushed and cleared her throat. “Were you supposed to be the loser or the winner for that one?” Lottie started to board what was now her bike.

“What do you think?”

“Loser.” Her hand was extended out for Natalie, who hesitated to take it, but gave in to holding it to properly get on the bike.

“Ouch. Of course I won.”

“You’re the one that got a tattoo and you’re the winner? Likely story.” Loosely, she wrapped her arms around Lottie’s waist, keeping a safe distance between her chest and Lottie’s back.

“If I lost, she would’ve gotten epic bragging rights for choosing what my first tattoo would’ve been.” The bike started to come alive under the two of them with a turn of the key, slightly swaying to the side when Lottie kicked up the stand. “And only God knows what the hell her and Van had in store for me.”

“What is Tai even doing in APO?”

“Van somehow convinced her it’ll be good for her grades, now she’s like… our frat princess.”

“ What ?”

“She’s a good leader, she’s pretty and smart. So… frat princess.”

“I hope you know that doesn’t make any sense.”

“Doesn’t have to.” Glancing over her shoulder, Lottie put the face shield of her helmet up. “Are you being conservative or do you want to fall off?”

“Do you even know how to ride this thing?”

“I do , thank you very much. That doesn’t mean you’re not going to hold on tight. Trust me, you’re gonna need to.” Begrudgingly, Natalie scooted closer, their bodies too close for her liking. “While I’m flattered that this is your first time riding passenger on a motorbike, you should have a little more faith in me, Nat.”

“You’re making that very difficult, mind you.”

Clicking her tongue, Lottie started to drive away from the dorms at a speed that was indeed a little fast for Natalie, making her tighten her grip around her waist.

It must have been two years since the last time Natalie had come back to Wiskayok. After all, she had actually left everything behind, starting a new life for herself in college. In front of them, it felt like they were chasing the sun as it set across the horizon. Her breath caught in her throat at the sight of it. Her horrible memories of her entire life had stained her perspective of Wiskayok, and she had forgotten how beautiful it actually was beneath all of that.

The roads started to melt into each other, all known to her. Lottie started driving down a road that was way too familiar for her liking and made her question what the heck she had up her sleeve. But before she could protest, Lottie was already turning off her motorbike and parking behind Wiskayok High School.

“What are we doing here?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Lottie spoke ahead of her. “We’re sneaking in of course.”

“Hey, hold on. I’m not opposed to the occasional rule breaking, but—”

With a wave of her hand, Lottie dismissed her before she could continue. “I’ve taken care of it, trust me.”

“I swear to god, Matthews,” muttered Natalie under her breath, reluctantly taking Lottie’s hand as she pushed the backdoor to Wiskayok High. The lights were still on because it was barely six o’clock, but she felt a weird push in her chest. It all looked the same. Dumbfounded at the reminder of her past, she found herself in the middle of the hall, lips slightly ajar.

“You haven’t been back here since senior year?”

She shook her head. “No reason to open up old wounds,” she spoke quietly, following Lottie up an inconspicuous flight of stairs hidden behind an emergency exit. “Have you ?”

“Once or twice.”

“See? My point stands.”

As they reached the rooftop, Lottie gestured towards the set-up. “Tada,” she said in a self-conscious manner, not really proud. “I got caught up in a few things with school so I couldn’t really prepare a lot more than I wanted to, but…”

Natalie walked out to the rooftop, taking in what Lottie was referring to: string lights overhead, a picnic blanket laid out by the edge of the building, and a cooler beside it. “Oh god, Matthews, you fucking cheeseball.” It reminded her of something that she had failed to bring up all this time: “You really planned to take me out on a date for Valentine’s Day, didn’t you?” Quietly, Lottie nodded. “Why?”

She opened her mouth to say something, closed it, then said, “To make up for lost time.”

Natalie stepped closer to the blanket, running her hand over the fabric like it might give her answers. The string lights swayed above them in the evening breeze, casting flickers of gold across Lottie’s face. For once, she looked nervous. Not cocky or smirking. Just… hopeful. “You know I don’t do this, right?”

Quietly, Lottie spoke like a mouse, “I know.”

“I’m not really good at… picnic blankets on top of your high school’s rooftop kind of stuff.” She stepped towards the blanket slowly, with Lottie following closeby.

“I didn’t ask you to be. I just wanted to do something nice. You don’t have to make it mean anything.

“But it does.” Natalie looked at her sharply. “It’s literally Valentine’s Day for fuck’s sake.”

A pause hung in the air between them. Then she sighed, walking over to sit on the edge of the blanket. Her legs dangled over the building, and she stared out over Wiskayok like she was still trying to decide if this was a dream or a trap.

Lottie stayed standing for a second longer, then sat down beside her, leaving a little space between them.

“It’s stupid, but… I used to think about this. Stuff like this. With you. Before everything fell apart. And then I convinced myself I’d made it up, like maybe I’d imagined how much I wanted it.” She wouldn’t normally be telling Lottie any of this, but she felt herself soften up. For the effort, at least, she owed Lottie a little bit of leeway.

Lottie didn’t respond right away. She was watching Natalie now, careful not to push. “You didn’t imagine it.”

“And now you show up with motorcycles and rooftop picnics and I don’t know what the hell to do with that.”

“You don’t have to do anything. I’m not trying to back you into anything, Nat.” It wasn’t a lie. Lottie convinced herself. It didn’t have to be a lie, because she felt it too. Bet or not, she was doing this for Natalie.

“Yeah, but you’re making it hard not to want something. That’s the problem.” She laughed, short and bitter. Natalie was cognizant enough to know this is how it started, just like how it started back in junior year. Well, she did already have a crush on Lottie by the end of freshman year, but it was only junior year when they started getting closer. Closer than the other girls. Closer than friends should be. Where she sat, Natalie pulled her knees up. Lottie sat a little straighter, waiting. “Part of me wants to fall into this. Just go with it, pretend we’re different people than we were then. But there’s still this other part of me screaming, ‘She’s going to ruin you again.’” There was this rawness in her voice that Lottie knew for her to be hurt. She barely glanced back at Lottie, who was only holding breath all this time.

When she spoke, Lottie’s voice was low and measured, “Then maybe that part of you should scream at me now. Get it out. Tell me what I did to break that trust. I can take it.”

Natalie looked at her, really looked. The sharpness in her expression softened. “You didn’t ruin me, Lottie. You just left me to ruin myself. And I don’t know if I’m scared of you, or if I’m scared of how much I still want this, even after all the shit we’ve put each other through.”

So softly that she almost couldn’t hear it, Lottie said, “That’s fair.” She didn’t want to think of the bet now. But she knew it would chase her sooner or later. For now, this was more than enough.

They sat in silence for a few seconds, broken only by the distant hum of traffic and the rustle of the leaves behind them. The sun was nearly gone now, and the town was dimming below.

Natalie reached toward the cooler and popped it open, grabbing a beer for herself and a soda for Lottie, tossing it casually towards her. “Well, you got me all the way up here. Might as well enjoy the view.”

Quietly, as her hair whipped in the wind, Lottie quietly spoke, “It’s a good one.”

Their eyes met. Not intense. Not dramatic. Just real. They clinked their drinks together — no toast, no words — just a quiet gesture that said, we're here . Natalie leaned back on her hands, staring up at the sky bleeding into dusk. The rooftop was quiet, save for the hum of the town below.

“This is so stupid.”

“Which part?”

“E verything . The bike. The rooftop. You playing the long game with rom-com-level stunts.” Natalie pointed at her with the rim of her beer can.

“Well, did you expect me to pull romance out of my ass? You know that’s not my strong suit.”

“Oh yeah, what is? Getting girls into your bed?”

“Careful, Nat. You’re starting to sound bitter.”

Natalie laughed, eyes crinkling despite herself. She took another swig of her drink. “You're gonna make me sentimental if you keep pulling crap like this.”

“God forbid.” Beside her, the blonde rolled her eyes. After a few minutes of shared silence and the sound of cans clicking softly against the rooftop, Lottie reached over to unzip a worn-out guitar case.

Panicking instantly, Natalie choked on her beer. “Oh no. No no no. What is this?”

“Relax. It’s not mine,” said Lottie, smoothly.

“That doesn’t make it better.”

“It’s just something I heard last week. Stuck with me. Thought you might like it.”

Natalie scoffed softly, but didn’t move. Didn’t stop her, either. Lottie slung the guitar into her lap, casually tuning it like she’d done it a thousand times. Maybe she had. She glanced up at Natalie, suddenly a little unsure.

Glancing up at her, Lottie gave her a teasing look. “Don’t make it weird.”

“You literally brought a guitar to a rooftop picnic on Valentine’s Day. It's already weird.”

Lottie started to play before Natalie could say more. The chords were soft — not rehearsed to perfection, but intentional. Her voice was low and even, almost conversational. Like she wasn’t performing, just... offering.

Lottie breathed out the words, as if she had just gathered the courage to sing, “Years ago when I had a chance, I could've held your hand but I was young and then I blew every circumstance.” She stared up at Natalie, who was holding her breath as she watched. “Yet I still think, I dream of dancing, dancing with you, with you.”

The final note lingered in the space between them.

Natalie stared at her, breath held for a beat too long. Then, half under her breath, she muttered, “Jesus Christ.”

Clearing her throat, Lottie suddenly felt an awkward shift in the air. “Again — not mine. I found it on a late-night playlist and it just... stuck. Reminded me of us back in senior year. Felt like something you’d yell at me for not showing you.”

A small laughter bubbled from Natalie. “Why would I yell?”

“You get like that when you care.”

Natalie didn’t answer, but her expression faltered — softened in the way she hated, like something cracked a little open inside her chest.

“That was really fucking good.”

Stupidly, in the way a puppy would get excited, Lottie perked up. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. Like... unsettlingly good,” Natalie admitted.

Lottie chuckled, setting the guitar beside her. “Look at you, getting all sentimental. I knew the rooftop would break you eventually.”

“You’re annoying.” Natalie landed a soft punch on her arm, making Lottie laugh.

“You’re soft.”

“You’re projecting.”

Lottie smiled, just a little, and leaned back on her hands beside her. Their shoulders were barely touching, but it was enough to send a jolt through Natalie’s whole body.

Trying to relieve herself of the tension, Natalie drew a shaky breath, looking at the sun set. “It’s weird, isn’t it? Talking like this. Hanging out like we didn’t waste years not speaking.”

“I don’t know if I’d call them wasted. You were busy hating me, remember?”

Natalie rolls her eyes. “Yeah, well. You gave me plenty of reasons.”

Lottie half-shrugged, then confessed, “I’m not saying I didn’t earn it.”

A long pause. Natalie glanced at her. “So why now?”

“What?”

“Why start talking to me again? Why now?” Natalie blinked. “You could’ve asked me if I got home safely after that night at Jackie’s. But you didn’t. Then we never talked again. I wouldn’t even have known you were studying at Rutgers if Jackie never shut up about having most of the team back.”

Lottie’s smile faltered, then she took a breath. “I guess I got tired of pretending I didn’t miss you.” It wasn’t a lie. Just an omission.

Natalie froze. She wasn’t expecting that. Deflecting, she scoffed at Lottie. “Okay, emo.”

Lottie laughed. But then something shifted, she started to pick at the edge of her boot, not looking at Natalie anymore. Her posture now less confident, like she had torn down a wall. “There was this night. Last semester. I got really drunk and came up here.”

A wistful sigh left her lips then she said, “You know how it is. Daddy issues. I was lying right where you’re sitting. And for some reason—maybe I was just out of my mind—but I kept thinking, I wish Nat was here. Like... you’d know what to say. Even if it was just to tell me to get over myself.”

For a second, neither of them spoke, suddenly aware of how heavy the air had gotten. Natalie wrestled with her own mind: should she reach out to touch Lottie? What should she even say? Maybe the Natalie that Lottie had wished for didn’t exist, because now, she didn’t know what to say.

Finally, “You never told me that.”

“I didn’t think I would.” Lottie snickered, then said, “I barely remember what happened after. I think I called Van and cried about cheese fries. She had to pick me up and drive my car.”

That breaks the tension. Natalie laughs — really laughs — and shakes her head. “What sense do you have to drive 40 miles, drunk off your ass, then go to a rooftop of all places? You’re such a dumbass.”

“Maybe. But you showed up again anyway. So maybe I’m not totally hopeless.”

Natalie doesn’t answer. She just looks at her, eyes narrowing slightly, like she’s trying to puzzle something out.

And for the first time, she wonders if Lottie ever really stopped caring about her. If the campus lesbian whore was a carefully built mask. Like hers. The thought made her uncomfortable.

They stayed seated for a while—not talking, just letting the stars watch the two of them share the silence. Every so often Natalie would steal a glance at Lottie, then quickly look away like she hadn't. Lottie fiddled with the guitar strap, then gave up and just picked at her boot laces.

Finally, Natalie sighed and stood. “Alright. Before I get too comfortable and start waxing poetic about rooftops and starry nights or whatever, we should go.”

Lottie looked up at her. “You sure? I thought I had you right on the edge of a breakthrough.”

“Oh yeah, totally,” Natalie deadpanned. “One more verse and I was ready to write your name in a diary and draw little hearts around it.”

Lottie grinned as she stood, slinging the guitar case over her shoulder. So does this mean you’ll finally admit you had a crush on me?”

Natalie rolled her eyes. “Oh my god. You just found out like two weeks ago, please let me live it down.”

“Yeah, but I like hearing you say it.”

“I’d rather eat my own boot.”

Downstairs, it was darker, the hallways cast in a pale evening glow. The hum of the building’s old heater echoed through the walls. Natalie slowed for a second near a trophy case. Her reflection stared back, fuzzed by time and fingerprints.

Lottie stepped beside her but didn’t comment. Just waited. Their own photograph and trophy stared back at them.

Finally, Natalie muttered, “This place smells exactly the same.”

Lottie wrinkled her nose. “Like old carpet and teenage hormones?”

“I was gonna say failure and mold, but sure.”

They exited through the back door the same way they’d come in. The parking lot was still empty, the cold air sharpening around them.

“Y’know,” Natalie said as Lottie started unlocking the bike, “if I’d known you were gonna throw a full Valentine’s production number, I might’ve dressed less like a cryptid.”

Lottie tossed her a look over her shoulder. “Please. I planned the whole thing around your cryptid aesthetic.”

Natalie raised an eyebrow. “Be honest — you only brought me up here because no one else said yes tonight.”

Lottie handed her the helmet. “If I wanted a sure thing, I wouldn’t be here with you .”

Natalie blinked, then let out a laugh. “Jesus. You really can’t help yourself, can you?”

“Nope. It’s part of the charm.” Lottie slung her leg over the bike, then waited until Natalie got on the bike. The moment stretched for a beat before Natalie rested her hands lightly around Lottie’s waist.

The ride back was quiet in the way shared silence can be. Natalie didn’t lean into her, but she didn’t pull away either.

When they reached campus, Lottie killed the engine, helping Natalie hop off. As soon as she was on the ground, she stretched her legs, pretending her heart wasn’t doing something weird in her chest.

“Thanks for the uh…” she said, voice a little too dry to be sincere, but not mean. She held out the helmet in her hand, now feeling the weight of it sink in. “The date or whatever.”

Lottie gave a mock salute. “Anytime you wanna sit on concrete and avoid your feelings, you know where to find me.”

“I’ll pencil it in between ‘impulsive life decisions’ and ‘bad coping mechanisms.’”

Lottie smiled and it reminded her of how she used to back in high school. Sweet, bubbly Charlotte Isobel Matthews. Not campus heartbreaker serial lesbian bedder Lottie Matthews.

Natalie hesitated halfway down the path. She looked back. “Hey,” she said. Lottie tilted her head. “You’re still an idiot.”

“I know.”

And with that, Natalie disappeared inside.

Lottie sat there for a moment, alone on the bike in the dark, the sound of the door clicking shut still hanging in the air.

Then she started the engine and rode off.

Still tangled in it. Whatever it was.

The dorm was quiet when Natalie slipped back in, kicking off her boots with a little too much force and flinging her jacket toward the desk chair. It missed. Of course it did. She ignored it.

The room was dim, only the streetlights outside pooling a faint orange glow across the floor. Jackie was probably still out with Shauna. That was fine. Natalie wanted silence. Needed it, maybe.

She sat on the edge of her bed, resting her elbows on her knees and staring at the ground like it might offer her some clarity.

Charlotte fucking Matthews.

Of course she brought her to the high school. Of course she set up a picnic on the roof with string lights and a cooler and a goddamn guitar. It was exactly the kind of thing someone with a bleeding heart and too much free time would think was romantic. It was ridiculous. So over the top. It was—

Nice.

Natalie let her hands fall between her knees. Then rubbed her eyes, hard.

Because it was nice. Stupidly so. The view, the soft way Lottie sang, the wind threading through her hair while they talked about things they never should have admitted out loud. And not once had it felt like some ploy or trap or... bet.

She should’ve felt her walls going up. She usually did. But lately — since the start of the semester, really — they’d been shifting.  Week by week, her brain had been cataloguing Lottie’s little moments like evidence. She didn’t mean to, she just… did.

And now here she was. Sitting in her room at 8pm, trying not to admit the obvious.

She wanted to be around Lottie. Not just wanted — needed , in that awful way that made her feel young and open and reckless again. Like she was seventeen and stupid enough to think late-night heart-to-hearts meant forever.

Natalie leaned back on her elbows and stared at the ceiling. “God, you’re such an idiot,” she muttered to herself.

Because it wasn’t new. These weren’t new feelings. They’d just been locked up. Pushed down. Buried under parties and hookups and too many reasons not to try again.

And now they were back. Or maybe they never left.

She sighed and rolled over onto her side, burying her face into the pillow like it might shut her brain up. It didn’t. Her mouth quirked into something halfway between a grimace and a smile.

She wasn’t sure what any of this meant. She wasn’t the type to write love songs or sneak onto rooftops.

But maybe — maybe — she was the type who wanted to keep seeing Lottie again. Wanted to see what would happen if she didn’t run this time.

She wouldn’t say it out loud. Not yet. Probably not ever. But the feeling sat there in her chest anyway, annoying and warm and impossible to ignore. Just like Lottie.