Archive of Our Own

Once upon a time, when I was young and still innocent, you helped me believe in magic and freedom

Attached at the hip

Pulling pranks on the family, sitting on your lap, asking 'how high?' When you said to jump

Barefeet running across cold brick title in the kitchen and dining room, all the way out to the backdoor, racing into the summer heat of the patio

Hard concrete, decorated with wrought iron chairs and tables and more brick pathways

Beyond that, a giant, steady oak that lived here long before any of us, whose branches seemed to reach into the baby blue sky and the clouds, spanning for miles into the air

Surrounded by grass, always alive, and a row of pine trees at the edge of the yard that always made your wife complain about the pinecones, so scared that they would damage the mourning dove coop that was settled to the right of the cope of evergreens

Small fingers running along well-taken care of tools, the sounds of American Classic engines running in the background, and the sounds of rachets clinking and bolts fastening

You always kept the garage cool for us, turning on the giant overhead fans that circled and circled, the blades bigger than my entire body

Fetching tools, fetching cold cokes, your calloused hands dirty with engine oil and grime from fixing up your precious classics

You always took good care of them

You put love into every car you fixed, every bolt tightened, every hood wiped clean, every tire rim shined, and every wife of yours that died before you

I wonder if I make you proud

I share your love of cars, of women, of seeing the laughter on people's faces

But I don't share the same drive and passion that you had for life

I wonder if I've let you down

I don't share your legacy, or your work ethic, and I'm not sure that I can ever amount to what you would want for me

You always saw such potential, loyalty, and excitement for me

I wonder when exactly that died

I wonder if you thought that I hated you when I didn't come see you in your last few years

You lay on that bed, rotting, alone, struggling after the death of four wives, one of those including my bloodline

But you kept on, devout in your religion and your will to continue

But you were alone, then

With the ticking of the grandfather clock in the living room, a half-empty bed, and a signature doorbell jingle that no longer chimes through the house

I wasn't there for you

I was over 6 hours away, fighting my own demons, selfish and thinking that no one else knew what I was going through and struggling to stay alive

You were too, only I didn't know that then

I wonder if you thought of me

If you remembered the times we used to share, the smiles we shared, the fact that I was the only kid that you let into your office, filled with carousel horses and miniature cars and tractors, all of which I used to play on while you did paperwork

I miss you

I wonder if you felt that, all those miles away

I thought that life got better, but it's gotten worse now that you've left

My Ernie isn't here anyone

Your Mater is still here, though

You lovingly named me after the truck in the movie Cars, because of my growing Southern accent, my loyalty to friends, and my goofy nature

I'm sorry that part of me died

I'm sorry that I can't be the person that I thought you all had hoped for me, and that I've turned into something that I can barely recognize anymore

I wonder if you're proud of me, even still

You always showed me grace, kindness, and understanding when I felt I never deserved it

Even as a child, the mindset that I was a burden was dug deep into me, settling into my bones and blood and you were one of the few things that helped relieve that pain

I wish I could have helped relieve yours

You are a reminder that I wasn't always so unlovable

I can only hope that now, soaring with your angel wings, reunited with your wives, things are better for you now

Beating hearts and pixie dust make up everyone in the world, or so I used to think

You were a man who brought life and sparked joy into everyone and everything he was around, and it was as if you were made of pixie dust, spreading laughter and happiness like a balm to the world's cruelty

As you faded, that feeling faded

I wish I were there to return the favor and be your balm to the sickness

But I know you're happy again

I know you're strong again, healthy again, smiling again, Earnest again

I hope you got your magic back