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Clayboy
Your namesake and what I've done to you
Turned you into this heap of mud and wash so I could build you up in my brain, spinning you around in my cranium over and over again until I'm dizzy with you
You're mine
At least, that's what I've told myself, even if we only dated for a short amount of time, my soul stitched into yours, my obsessive tendencies clawing into your mudskin and sinking in deep, keeping you from running from me
For a long time, you didn't want to leave
Content to stay by my side, as a friend, a companion, but that's not what I wanted
I was blindsided by my own desires
Turning the wheel and trying to form you into something you weren't
What if I'm so possessive over you because all of those memories I have of you were just in my head
When I think of you, I don't just think about us
I think about who I made you
Who I wanted you to be
Who I imagined you being
Who I needed at that time
But when I look at the facts, the reality is is that I was too in my own head
I made up memories
I made up scenarios
I made up emotions that you had for me that were never really there
A tumbleweed of things that never really existed, made up in a dark cosmo of manipulation on both of our parts
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever stop loving you
Sometimes I wonder if it was love at all
Sometimes I wonder when things will get better
And if it's all my fault
You weren't always good to me, either
Using me for the sake of a normal appearance to the public, not because you loved me
While I had waited on you, hand and foot for anything you desired
Only you never desired me
How I wish I could have changed that
How I wish I could have molded my Clayboy into a bowl big enough to house my love, house some of yours, too, if you ever decided to love me back
But sometimes the clay cracks in the kiln and the love can never be reciprocated
And we are forever doomed by both apathy and obsession