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“Fuuuucking finally” Amos exhaled as he extracted himself from his crash couch and lazily launched into the microgravity of the ops deck,
“If we burned for any longer, I swear I was gonna dislocate my nuts”
The rest of the crew smiled at his joke, but they were tired, indulgent smiles.
Everyone was exhausted. The burn back to Ceres had been punishing and their brief hours on the float never seemed like enough.
This cycle, Holden had made the call that they needed a full 12 hours off, citing made-up repairs and nonexistent messages to reply to. They all knew it was bullshit, but nobody protested. They needed the break- even though this one was for Naomi.
Naomi had changed in many ways since the Pella - of course she had - but perhaps the most frustrating for her had been the physical toll of surviving on the Chetzemoka - the starvation, oxygen deprivation, and most especially, her time in raw vacuum. Her brain felt slow and fried, her voice was rough, her skin had been burnt and was still sore and scarred, her hands were blistered and cut, her eyes…
“Ok, folks,” Holden freed himself from his couch and stretched, copying Amos,
“Get some chow, get some rest - we start burning again in 12 hours.”
The crew gave generally tired, but enthusiastic, acknowledgments, happy to be free from the acceleration gravity pressing down on them.
“I got watch, Hoss” Alex said from the flight deck, still in his couch.
“Ah what the hell, I’ll join ya.” Bobby added.
“I’ll bring you both up some food.” Holden called as the speaker clicked off and only the vague sounds of the Martians chatting and laughing emanated from the flight deck.
Amos and Claire hadn’t needed to be dismissed twice and were long gone by the time Holden turned to Naomi.
He gently kicked off the headrest of his couch and slowly drifted to where she was still strapped in. He came to rest facing her.
He reached out for her face-
Naomi was gasping like she had been held under water. She couldn’t seem to catch her breath. Holden could see the panic building behind her eyes, could see her relive nearly suffocating in the freezing darkness of space. Unwarranted, the memory of her blood blackened eyes and blue lips appeared in his mind too.
When they’d managed to get her back aboard the Roci, Naomi had looked like a corpse. Her skin was cracked and blistered and charred. Her face was swollen and her eyes… they had quickly entered Holden’s growing roster of nightmares. They had been completely red with burst blood vessels, full of grief, and panic, and dread.
“Hey, hey, hey - Naomi.” He cupped her face, floating just above her.
Her breath was ragged, and she squeezed her eyes closed, grimacing like everything hurt. He had no doubt it did.
He began unclipping her from her couch harness and lifted her up to float beside him. As he pulled her out by the armpits, she let out a half gasp, half scream.
Holden pulled back with a flinch, but her arms wrapped around his body, clinging on as her chest heaved.
He could only pull back enough to catch a glimpse of her face, twisted in a grimace even while her grip on him remained fast.
They had drifted slowly away from the couch, Holden too distracted by Naomi’s distress. Once he realized how far they had moved, he had to quickly extricate an arm to grab the bulkhead, tearing a shriek from Naomi. It was not one of grief however - she was hurt.
He managed to pull back now, just enough to see Naomi clearly, her chest heaving, her face ashen, her teeth gritted, and eyes closed.
They had all grown far too familiar with panic attacks, this wasn’t one.
“Naomi, Naomi! What’s wrong? What hurts?!” His mind was racing. Was it a stroke? Had they missed something when she had returned from the Chetzemoka?
“I- I- can’t-” Naomi couldn’t seem to get enough air in to form a sentence. She gulped air and curled into herself, clutching at her ribs even within his grasp.
“-breath”
---
Holden didn't bother to activate the comms, he simply shouted up to the flight deck.
“Alex, I need you to bring us back to 1/3 g and meet me in the med bay. Bobby, you got con.”
“Aye, Cap.” Alex sounded concerned but didn’t ask questions. Good.
“Gravity is coming back, kids.” Alex warned across comms.
Hastily Holden maneuvered himself and Naomi until he could reach the orientation of ‘down’ while still supporting her.
As gravity returned, she let out a cry,
“No… Holden. Stop...” she half whispered.
“I know, I know, I’m sorry, love. I need to figure out what's wrong.”
Naomi's breaths became more desperate and ragged under the mild gravity. She thrashed in his arms, proceeding only to hurt herself more and cry out again.
Even with her erratic movements, it was surprisingly easy to maneuver them both into the medical bay.
As much as she seemed desperate to squirm away from his jostling, when he tried to set her on the couch she clung to him again.
“No, Jim. No!” she cried through clenched teeth. Keeping herself attached to him was clearly painful but some force would not release her.
Naomi seemed to be elsewhere, lost in panic and pain.
It was not an unfamiliar feeling to Jim, but it still didn’t make sense. She had been fine through their last few burns, right? She had been getting better. It hurt somewhere deep inside him to see her like this. It tasted like fear and failure.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he said it like a prayer as he extricated himself and forced her onto the couch.
Naomi still fought with him as he wrestled the oxygen mask over her face, ripped her flight suit to the shoulder, and inserted her arm into the Autodoc. She shook her head and clutched at her ribs.
If she felt the Autodoc’s needle go in, it did not change the tambor of her cries.
Holden had seen Naomi experience pain and grief and fear before, but rarely did he see her cry. It unnerved him in a way that was almost as concerning as the Autodoc’s alarms.
He pressed his forehead against hers.
“I’m sorry.”
She did not respond
---
Alex ran. His knees ached from the previous burn. He was getting too old for this.
The whole ship could surely hear Naomi’s cries emanating from the medical bay, but his running slowed as he approached. Her cries were foreign, and it seemed that his presence might be an intrusion in a moment she would not want others to see.
The alarms egged him on however, her modesty pushed aside for now, if not completely forgotten.
Naomi, on the couch, looked terrible but arguably, Holden looked worse.
On the couch, Naomi’s chest heaved. Her skin was ashy-pale, and her lips were tinged blue. Holden was sweating and wide-eyed, nearly frozen. For a man of action, so central to every crisis in the universe, his lover in distress was apparently his limit.
Alex had to all but push Holden aside to see the Autodoc’s screen. On his way down from the flight deck he had already begun to speculate, burning this long was hard for all of them but, of course, it would be the worst for Naomi. It came as some small relief when he saw no indication of stroke, quickly followed by cold, metallic dread as her pale lips and wailing oxygen saturation alarms confirmed his second fear: pneumothorax. Her right lung had fully collapsed, and the bottom left lobe was compressed from the air in her thoracic cavity.
There was some comfort mixed with the dread of seeing unshakable Naomi like this; a pneumothorax was treatable on the ship.
Since he had become the de facto medic, he’d started reading up on things like this, stuff they might need in the field or on the ship.
Alex stared hard at the Autodoc’s readout for a moment before pressing the equipment buttons and taking the tubing out of the indicated compartments.
“Hey, Hoss?”
Since Alex had entered the room, Holden had barely moved. Face focused on Naomi. Alex could almost see his flashback to her rescue from the Chetzemoka. But Holden was usually a little bit better than this.
“Uh, um yes. Yes, yes, what do you need?” Holden’s eye focused in on Alex.
Good. He wasn’t too far gone yet.
“Naomi’s got a collapsed lung so I’m gonna have to stick a tube between her ribs to let the air out. I’m gonna need you to keep ‘er calm and still so that I can get the right spot. Not gonna lie, it's probably gonna hurt like a bitch.”
“Can’t you sedate her or something first?” Holden back down at Naomi, cradling her face as she shook and cried quietly.
“No can do - sorry, Hoss,”
“see--” Alex indicated the Autodoc’s screens above the couch,
“her blood pressure in the well and if we sedate her right now it could drop it even further. Hopefully, it comes back up once we reinflate her lung. I can numb it up a bit but like I said… It’s gonna hurt.”
Naomi cried louder at this. He should have figured out a way to soften the blow but there really wasn’t time.
“Ok,” Holden took a bracing breath,
“what do I need to do?”
“We need to reposition her. I need to be able to see her ribs. Just below her armpit. Help me roll her a little over to her left side.”
Her left arm in the Autodoc remained in position as her left was placed above her head. The two men gently rotated Naomi onto her side as she cried and weakly tried to fight them off.
“Um now, I need you to get her undressed a little.” Alex handed Holden a pair of medical sheers with an apologetic expression.
“We will put a covering over her again so only the site is visible, but we have to be able to clean the area that's under her flight suit.”
Fuck did he not want to have to say those words.
Surprisingly, Holden looked no more distressed than he was about the rest of the situation and took the shears without protest.
Naomi’s flight suit was unzipped and cut from the shoulder down her right arm, freeing it. Holden was gentle, patting her head and whispering to her the entire time. When he began cutting down the back of the suit Naomi must have felt the cold of the sheers, the air, her nakedness. She moved her right arm, crying through the pain, to swat at Holden.
Alex stood back. He wouldn't- couldn’t- restrain Naomi if she did not want to be touched, especially not like this.
Instead, Holden captured Naomi’s hand and kissed it. Whispering apologies to her.
He handed the shears to Alex with a pointed look.
Alex really, really did not want to do this.
With a deep breath he took the shears and continued to cut down the back of the suit as Holden held Naomi’s hand out of the way with one of his own and cradled her head to his chest with the other.
When the suit was pulled away from her ribs only her bra and heaving chest and collapsing lungs remained.
Alex looked to Holden for approval to continue but all his attention was focused on Naomi.
“Ok y’all, well, I am gonna start cleanin’ you up, XO, and then we can get you on your way to feelin’ better, Naomi.” Every word felt wrong, especially when all Naomi could do was cry in return.
Purple iodine solution clung to her dark skin in the low gravity as he painted it on, perhaps more thoroughly than strictly necessary. He felt guilty putting off the procedure but who wanted to stick a fucking tube into their friend’s chest? It was somehow easier when they were bleeding out. The urgency could push away the doubt.
As if reading his mind, Naomi’s gasping and crying intensified and the alarms matched her panicked pitch, warning him of her blood pressure, hypoxia, pain.
“Okokok” he whispered to himself as Holden lovingly wrapped her in surgical draping.
Alex touched Naomi’s ribs hesitantly, trying to find the correct place as the Autodoc’s ultrasound arm guided him. She tried to swat him away, to crawl away, to scream for help, but she had no air left in her and Holden held her tight, holding her hand more securely above her head, stroking her cheek to keep her attention - ready to properly push her down if need be.
The lidocaine gel came first, followed by a very long needle containing a numbing agent. She clearly felt that one. He stuck it in as deep as he could, ignoring her cries - Holden moved his free hand from hers down her right arm to hold her still, it was gentle and regretful. This small pain would save her some real pain later. The skin ballooned out slightly, but he could only wait a moment for the medication to penetrate.
Once he grabbed the scalpel, he could feel himself shifting to his pilot’s brain. Nothing mattered but his hands and what was directly in front of him. He let everything else fade to static and his brain go numb to the larger context of his actions.
Alex sliced into Naomi’s skin with relative ease. At least that part was numb. He found the perfect space between her ribs and shoved the forceps in.
She cried out and reflexively Alex responded,
“Just a little longer, darlin’, yer doin’ so good”
He twisted and pushed and opened the forceps. He wanted to wretch, to break himself out of the calm, professional headspace he had developed for battle, but he could not stop until the job was done, until Naomi was going to be ok.
Naomi howled. Or at least she tried to. Her mouth was ajar, but no sound came out, her eyes were open but unseeing. Alex spared a glance at Holden whose own eyes were screwed shut, teeth clenched. His grip was tight on Naomi’s arm, firmly holding her in place. Even as Holden restrained her, his thumb stroked her arm comfortingly.
Finally, Alex forced the forceps into the pleural space and a rush of air bubbled through the new, bleeding hole. He exhaled along with the trapped air, feeling his lungs finally inflate fully as well.
“There ya go, XO! Almost done! Keep breathing. You need to let your lungs reinflate.”
She was gasping still but each breath was less labored than the last. More air meant more crying and more shaking which was going to make this harder.
“Holden? I’m gonna need you to keep her really still for just a minute longer while I put in the tube. It’s probably gonna hurt bad but it's gonna be worse if she moves and I scrape her lungs.”
Naomi whined and Holden grit his teeth.
“Got it.”
Holden carefully repositioned. Pinning Naomi’s right arm above her and using his other hand to hold her waist down. He had moved under the drapings, whether to avoid watching any longer or see Naomi better, it was hard to tell. Alex was glad they could have a private moment. And that he could do this part without seeing their reactions, and without them seeing his.
The tubing looked way too big and as he tried to align it with the hole in Naomi’s chest it was obvious that it would not fit. He reluctantly retrieved his instruments and reinserted the forceps to enlarge the opening.
The pain medication was clearly wearing off and Naomi was shaking,
Her heart rate was too high, and her blood pressure was too low. Even though her oxygen levels were coming up they were still low for Alex’s liking.
There was a chance she was starting to go into shock.
Holden was not keeping her still enough and when Alex spared a glance in his direction, he could see Holden shaking a little too.
“Hey Hoss? Cap?” No response.
“Holden!” A grunt of acknowledgement emanated from under the drapes.
“Keep. Her. Still.” Alex had learned that sometimes what Holden needed was a firm tone and a task, especially when he was beginning to panic.
Alex could hear gasping from under the drapes, but this time it was coming from Holden himself. Half sob half panicked breath. But he did as he was told, gripped Naomi tighter, and let Alex finally insert the tube all the way.
He wiped away the gathering blood and secured it with a couple of stiches, gauze, and tape.
The Autodoc’s alarms finally stopped wailing, and Alex let out a ragged breath at the same time as Holden who had poked his head out from the drapes.
“Is it done?” Holden was as shaken as Alex had ever seen him.
Alex nodded, removing the soiled drape to look at both Holden and Naomi properly.
“Yessir. Now we just have to make her comfortable.”
Naomi was still visibly shaking, adrenaline and pain and relief overwhelming her.
The Autodoc finally authorized the sedatives and Alex gladly confirmed and watched Naomi relax into the couch. Holden grasped her hand harder as it went limp in his. Some the stress lines that had twisted his face began to soften as Naomi’s pain visibly left her.
Holden’s forehead rested against both their clasped hands. He was taking deep, shaking breaths and Alex could see the tears as they ran onto the couch.
“We are all so fragile…”
“what we have-” Holden choked on the words.
“I know-”
“I know Hoss, but we’re not dead yet.”