Chapter Text
LET ME SEE if I have this correct," Roman Kingsford said slowly as he stared at his best and oldest friend. "You are claiming that dating has absolutely nothing to do with romance whatsoever and can be carried out entirely as a social experiment in personal compatibility?!"
"Precisely," Logan Croft said, placidly ignoring Roman's dramatically raised volume and adjusting his glasses. "Evolutionarily speaking, the process of seeking a mate for procreation has traditionally been about partners having interlocking parts. In a more modern society with such an expansive population and where the structured family units are smaller and more compactly arranged, procreation has decreased in importance in favor of companionship, social camouflage, and a cooperative effort towards housing and financial security."
"We're in high school," Roman pointed out in exasperation. "The time of self-discovery and rampant hormones! No one is thinking about affordable housing and financial security as their primary reasons for choosing a partner!"
"I believe I mentioned social camouflage and companionship as well," Logan said dryly. "It would not surprise me to learn that many of our classmates are participating in the 'dating game' out of a belief fostered by the media and their parental figures that this is the time when they are supposed to want such companionship rather than out of an actual desire for a long term partnership."
"Well, I'm pretty sure they're participating because they want to bone each other," Roman's brother Remus said as he dropped down onto the bench next to Roman and stole his soda. "What're we talking about?"
"Calculator Watch here thinks that romance is entirely superfluous when it comes to dating," Roman huffed, stealing his drink back from Remus. "He's determined to reduce the search for a life partner down to a mere experiment in testing personality compatibility without bothering to woo his prospective date in any way!"
"I didn't say that efforts to woo a partner would be superfluous across the board," Logan protested, frowning. "Obviously, for someone who desires to woo their partner, the ideal companion would be someone who desires to be wooed. I merely postulated that the initial foray does not require romance to accomplish."
"But then how will you convince them that you are worthy of their attention and energy to establish compatibility if you do not put forth the effort to show them that you value them as a prospective partner?" Roman demanded, trying to use similar language as Logan to get his point across.
"If my prospective partner is truly suited to me, then my chosen approach should be to their taste regardless of the lack of romantic trappings," Logan pointed out. "As such, the request to investigate compatibility without any pretense to romance would act as a decent initial filter for determining a prospective partner."
"Prove it," Remus said, twisting around on the bench and leaning back against the table to look at Logan upside down. "Dare you to ask out the next person through those double doors."
"You expect Logan to just randomly ask out one of our classmates?" Roman asked skeptically. "And what if the next person through the door is a teacher?"
"Kinky~!" Remus cackled, eyebrows waggling. "What'cha say, Lolo? Got the guts to back up your hypothesis with a testing phase?"
"Certainly," Logan replied. "If anything, the randomness of selection will make such a thing easier as there will be no preconceptions to receiving a particular answer."
"There is also no security in ensuring the person you ask won't react negatively for other reasons," Roman hissed. "We do live in Florida."
"Psh! That's why we're here, bro," Remus said. He perked up. "Hey, I think someone's coming now!"
"I can't watch this train wreck," Roman muttered as he dropped his head to the table just as the double doors opened.
"Excuse me," he heard Logan say politely to the person who emerged from the school into the courtyard. "Would you be amenable to participating in the social experiment known as a 'date' to determine our compatibility in a potential domestic partnership?"
There was a brief pause, the footsteps audibly faltering, and then a husky voice answered, "Yeah, sure, okay."
Oh shit! He knew that voice. Roman's head snapped up, his heart lurching into his throat. His ears truly had not deceived him, however, because standing on the middle step, having just moved beyond the range of the double doors that were slowly closing, was Sanders High School's resident emo skater king: Virgil Delaney.
SO LET ME get this straight."
"Good luck with that!" Patton Morales quipped with a snicker.
The joke was expected, though, and his friends only rolled their eyes before the elder of the two, Virgil Delaney, continued, "You two are worried about me turning into a bigger recluse than a deadly spider now that you both are dating and spending more time together just the two of you. So because of that, you want me to... what, get my own boyfriend?"
"Not necessarily," his other friend and Patton's new datefriend Janus Atea said placatingly. "We are merely suggesting that you allow yourself to be more open to the possibility of finding companionship of your own beyond your friendships with us."
"By dating," Virgil clarified, staring them down. Janus shrugged, but Patton actually nodded eagerly. He sighed. "Look, I know I told you both that I'm happy for you deciding to make a go of it with each other, and I did honestly mean that. But... I dunno, even if I had the time around my job and the swim team, I just don't know if I'd have the social spoons to try and devote to a romantic relationship right now. I barely even have time to skate anymore, and my board is literally my ride to school and work most days."
"Well then, perhaps you might cultivate a relationship with someone who has a driver's license and his own car," Janus suggested, ducking away from Patton's playful swat to their arm.
"You don't have to jump right into a relationship with somebody, Virge," Patton assured him. "That's not what I'm suggesting at all! Just... you can be kind of oblivious to people who show interest in dating you."
"No one wants to date me," Virgil scoffed. At the tandem frowns from both Patton and Janus, he added, "Seriously, they don't. The only people who talk to me besides you two are my teacher-assigned class project partners and the handful of people who want to fuck the school rebel."
"Language," Patton chided, getting an eyeroll for his efforts.
"That is literally all those dicks want from me," he said. "Kingsford propositioned me just last week."
"Roman Kingsford?" Janus asked, eyebrows going up. "He has better taste than I gave him credit for, then."
"Uh, no," Virgil said, shaking his head. "Not theatre boy. His brother, the one in our English III class. Although, technically he was propositioning me for a threesome, so he might've meant his brother too."
"That is quite a mental image, thank you for that," Janus hummed even as Patton blushed. "Still, perhaps you could have taken him up on it. When was the last time you got laid?"
"Jan, I know I'm allo, but I'm not desperate," Virgil rolled his eyes. "I've got a perfectly serviceable pair of hands for self-gratification. No need to involve other people and their feelings just to get off."
"Virgil," Patton said, his voice abruptly serious. "Humans are social creatures, and you already take on so much with school and the team and your job and raising Thomas--"
"Which is another reason I don't need to be taking on a boyfriend, too," Virgil interrupted, feeling a spike of anxiety at the thought of his little brother. God, Thomas was in fifth grade and Virgil already had to leave him home alone too often when he had to work past the after school program hours and Patton or Janus couldn't stay with him after picking him up. A boyfriend would want attention and time from Virgil that he already felt was stretched too thin, and what if he ended up with someone who caused him to neglect his responsibilities and miss work on top of neglecting Thomas and he got fired and couldn't get another job and lost the apartment and custody of his brother and they ended up with him homeless and Thomas abused in the foster system--
"Virgil!" Patton called, gripping his wrist and tapping on his skin with one finger. "Come on, buddy, breathe with me. In for four, that's it... hold for seven... out for eight...."
"Patton and I would never leave you and Thomas to completely fend for yourselves," Janus murmured as Virgil struggled to follow the breathing exercise that Patton counted out for him. "And perhaps you might be fortunate enough to find someone who is not only willing but eager to help you shoulder those responsibilities rather than attempting to make you abandon them."
"Please, Virgil," Patton murmured, still gripping his wrist. "Just give it a chance? The next person to work up the courage to ask you out on a date, give them a chance and say yes? For me?"
"You play dirty," Virgil rasped, glaring at Patton even as he caved to those glasses-framed puppy eyes. "Fine. Next person who asks me out - on a date, not for a hookup - I'll say yes."
"Promise?" Patton insisted, holding up a pinkie.
"We're not in kindergarten, Pat," Virgil protested, getting a pouting lower lip and a kick from Janus under the table. "Ow! Fine, fine! Promise," he said, linking pinkies with Patton and shaking on it. The action brought his attention to his watch and he swore under his breath. "I gotta run, it's almost time for French."
"Cut through the courtyard, you'll save about two minutes," Janus advised him. Virgil tossed off a two-fingered salute and jumped down off the wall, heading into the school through the side door.
The courtyard that Janus meant was the one down by the cafeteria that was frequently used by seniors for lunch period overflow. He had to cut through the cafeteria itself and the double doors to get to it, but the far door led right to the hall where French II was located. He slid into a group of students heading into the cafeteria like a shadow and split off when they moved to the lunch line, making his own beeline for the double doors. There weren't as many people outside as Virgil had expected as he emerged, and like he had told Patton no one really talked to him anyway, so it was a surprise when he was still hailed just as he stepped outside and started down the steps.
"Excuse me," said a bespectacled young man in a necktie who Virgil vaguely recognized as Logan Croft, captain of the debate team. "Would you be amenable to participating in the social experiment known as a 'date' to determine our compatibility in a potential domestic partnership?"
....The fuck?
The guy couldn't be serious. Except he certainly looked serious, even expectant. Virgil noticed Remus Kingsford sitting next to Logan and watching with visible anticipation, and was that his brother Roman with his head on the table like the world was ending? Was this some kind of joke from Remus at Logan's expense? What was going on?!
Still, that was an invitation for a date he had just heard - explicitly so - and he had promised Patton he'd say yes to the next invitation....
"Yeah, sure, okay," he said as steadily as he could manage, absently noting how quickly Roman's head went up in shock at his answer. "Not today or tomorrow, though. I've got work until late today and tomorrow's training with the swim team for me and debate team for you. Friday at three-thirty work for you?"
"That is acceptable," Logan agreed, looking... pleased? Yeah, that was a smile. "I believe a typical first date activity would involve getting coffee together, perhaps at The Beanery if that sounds satisfactory?"
"Coffee is always satisfactory," Virgil assured him with a slight smirk. He doubted Logan knew it, but that was actually perfect since Virgil wouldn't have to leave the date early to get to work. Hell, if his manager saw him there on a date, he might even let him clock in early to pad his hours a little. Remy was good like that. "Friday at three-thirty at The Beanery. See you then."
"Indeed," Logan nodded, turning back to the Kingsford brothers who were actively staring at him now. Virgil spared just a moment to wonder what was up with that, but only a moment. The clock was ticking, and Madame l'Orange was a lot less flexible when it came to being late to class.
WHAT THE LITERAL Hell was that?" Remus asked, stunned.
"I believe that was me asking a classmate on a date without pretense of romance and the offer being accepted," Logan said smugly. He would not have admitted it to the twins, but he had been a little nervous when he recognized Virgil coming through the doors, though not for any of the reasons Roman had hinted. Logan had been given prior occasion to take note of the discrete rainbow pin on the other boy's school bag and his long-standing association with Janus Atea, who was on the debate team with Logan.
No, Logan's concern over Virgil being the recipient of his invitation had little to do with Virgil himself and much more to do with how often he had been treated to a rant of one type or another about the boy from either of the twins. Frankly, Logan was a little confused as to whether the twins wanted to battle him or bed him, either separately or together, but the result was always the same: Virgil Delaney was snarky, standoffish, and completely uninterested in getting together with either Kingsford. Or anyone else, as far as they could tell.
And yet, he agreed to a date with me, Logan thought to himself. He glanced up to see Remus pouting and Roman looking... well, he didn't appear to have moved out of stunned disbelief yet. "Are the both of you okay with this development? I know you have previously expressed interest in Virgil for yourselves...."
"And a fat lot of good that did us," Remus huffed, slumping against the table. "He never responded to any of our attempts at subtlety and the one time I tried asking bluntly he turned me down flat. Guess your approach really was the winning ticket."
"Did you see his smile?" Roman breathed, eyes still distant. "Like he was holding the secrets of the universe and would only reveal them to the one deemed worthy...."
"And apparently he deemed Logan worthy," Remus broke in with a shove to his brother's shoulder. "Hey, maybe you can ask him why he always ignored us trying to get his attention while you're on your date."
"Are you mad?" Roman demanded of his brother. "You aren't supposed to ask after your prospective partner's feelings for other people on a date!"
"Well according to you getting a date has to include romantic gestures and wooing, but Lo just put paid to that!" Remus shot back with an eyeroll. "Maybe he's asexual... or just aromantic."
"He has not displayed any pins to that affect, but that is a possibility," Logan allowed as the bell sounded indicating that lunch break was over and he should get to Calculus. He began gathering his belongings, pausing when he realized the twins were once again staring at him. "What now?"
"What do you mean--" Roman began.
"--By displaying pins?" Remus finished.
"His school bag has a small collection of pins indicating his interests," Logan said, looking between the two of them with a bit of incredulity. All this time they had been pining for the boy and they never thought to do the most basic of cursory observational investigation?
"You are such a nerd," Remus huffed. "What pins does he have?"
"I have never been in the habit of doing your homework for you, and I have no intention of beginning now," Logan told him firmly. "I have given you a clue. What you do with that is up to you now."
"But we can't even flirt with him now," Roman practically whined, "because he's already agreed to go out with you!"
"That, as Remus would say," Logan said as he stood up, "sounds like a you problem."