Work Text:
Blazing Starships!
by Rob Morris
'He rode a Blazing Starship; Four Pips Upon His Collar; When The Quadrant Needed Saving; The Prophets Gave A Holler; He conquered Winn and he beat Dukat; He made the best from the worst; He made his Blazing Series; The Best Loved Since The First; Now, out on the Edge Of The Final Frontier, just before Maquis Badlands; Outlaw Powers did as they pleased; We needed a helping hand; Then from the shipyards rode out the one true man; With character development his aim; He was the kind of man who would take no guff; And Ben was his name; Yes, Ben, was his name; He rode a Blazing Starship; He wore a goatee later on; When the writers would get tired; They'd focus on Quark's cons; He put up with that crazy eco-witch; And built a sailboat for the stars; He ended his Blazing Series; BY GOING TO VIC'S BAR!...
(A Bajoran Chant)
Now hear of our once peaceful Bajor;
We really had it rather good;
We invented Civilization;
We wrote in temples and in woods;
Then All At Once The Troubles Started;
The Cardies came to stay and sit;
There's No Avoiding This Conclusion;
Our Planet's Turning Into Shit!
Kai Opaka: Now, I read to our congregation from The Prophets' Teachings:
Show Only Love; Get thy Heart to a higher place;
Want Only Knowledge; Get Thy Mind to a purer realm;
Lastly, we hear this:
Dukat has planted a bomb; Get Thy Ass to a shelter.
(Closes Book)
KO: There are, of course, many ways to interpret the Prophets' teachings.
(Bomb goes off; Kai Opaka is killed, but for just a moment she stands there, disheveled and burnt)
KO: There is, of course, the literalist interpretation. (Collapses)
Kira: I say we approach the Prophets and see if we're to join The Federation for protection!
(Winn retreats with Vedek Council)
Winn: This cannot be allowed to happen. The Federation would initiate cutbacks that would cost us all our cushy jobs. Agreed?
Council: Harumph! Harumph! Harumph!
Winn: What Of You, Bareil?
Bareil: I only harumph Kira!
Winn: Watch your ass, Bareil!
(Cardassian HQ)
Dukat: So far, my plan proceeds apace. Bajor will once again be part of The Cardassian Empire, if only I can prevent its entry to The Federation.
(Damar walks in)
Dam: Uh, Gul? Who were you just talking to? There's no one else in the room,
Dukat: Silence, Damar! Even you must fear the mighty wrath of Rusanor Dukat!
Dam: Rosanna Arquette?
Duk: NOT Rosanna Arquette! Rusanor Dukat!
Dam: Hey, take it easy. We still have the Orb Of Time. You can go back and erase her career.
Duk: Hardly worth the effort. Why, Damar! You've been injured.
Dam: Oh, that uppity human cut off my head, and the microsurgeon had to do a rush job! I am going to kill him soooo bad!
Duk: No, I have a better idea for our POW. We'll send him to Bajor, and arrange with our spies in StarFleet to make him Federation liasion to Bajor.
Dam: Yes, with a human liaison, the Bajorans will take it as an insult, and never join the Federation. Say, what about my pay?
Duk: (Hands him an unsolved Rubik's Cube) Here, take this in lieu of pay. Its busted, in any event.
(Damar solves it within seconds; Dukat looks up)
Duk: You cheated!
(Now-Kai Winn addresses her people)
KW: Terok Nor is no more, and what's more more is that the Prophets have written that the one-obviously a Bajoran- who is sent as Federation liaison will be the Emissary!
(Sisko walks in; Sees sign that says Hail The Emissary)
KW: So lets give a hearty greeting to our new...human.
(All stare at a smiling Sisko)
Sisko: As The newly appointed...
(He hears dozens of phasers charging, all aimed right at him; His eyes dart about)
Kira: People, we cannot question the will of the Prophets! Now lets...
(Phaser fire cuts her earring off)
Kira: Sir...you're on your own.
(Thinks quickly; Pulls out his phaser and puts it his own throat)
Sisko: Nobody Move-Or The Emissary Gets It!
Leeta: Hold On-I Don't Think He's Bluffing.
Sisko: I MEAN IT! ANYONE MOVES, I'll blow his blessed brains all over this station!
(Goes To Normal Voice)
Oh, please, someone help me!
SHUT UP!
Winn: Well, isn't anyone going to help that poor man?
Bareil: Eminence, that's a sure way of getting him killed.
(Sisko withdraws into the office with his self-hostage; The Prophets take him)
Bashir Prophet: We Are Of Bajor.
Dax Prophet: Bajor Is Of Us
Rom Prophet: Bajor Is Really, Really Dumb!
(When we last left Captain Sisko, he had just successfully taken himself hostage to fend off a crowd of angry but dumb Bajorans; As we resume, we see Jean-Luc Picard, waiting in the office)
Picard : Good initiative there, Sisko. I once held myself hostage in two places at once, to forge a treaty.
Sisko : Ah, yes! The Picard Maneuver. Well, do you wish to debrief me?
Picard : No need for that. Besides, the Picard/Sisko category in slash is nearly nonexistent.
Sisko : Ah-huh. Weeeelll, I'll just sit down, then. Do you mind if I shave at my desk?
Picard : Not at all.
(To Picard's horror, Sisko pulls out an overhead mirror and puts shaving cream on the top of his head)
Sisko : How stands The Cardassian Fourth Order?
(As Sisko starts shaving off his hair, Picard recoils)
Picard : Well, they've repositioned themselves...Must You Do That?
Sisko : (Wiping off his now bald pate) Oh, Yes. At least three times a week or it grows in like a mop.
Picard : All that beautiful, lost hair...You, sir, are unfit for Command!
Sisko : And you, sir, are quite overdramatic!
Picard : Think so, do you?
Sisko : NO, I don't. But he does.
(Points to Shatner in the corner, writing at a word processor)
Shat : Dear Patrick : I had NBC riding me in the 60's, making me a nervous wreck on stage. What the hell is your excuse?
(Picard leaves crying)
Picard : He had hair, and he...he..aaahhh!
(Sisko leaves to check security)
Old Woman : Get Out Of My Way, Human!
(Sisko phasers her to death casually)
Sisko : Probably the same bitch who stared at Mary Tyler Moore throwing her hat in the air! Mary had spunk - I hate spunk.
(In a holding cell is Odo, having attempted one too many shifts)
Sisko : Are We Awake?
Odo : We're not sure-are we Benson?
Sisko (frowns) Best not to bring that up. Some of us are still hurting from that last episode.
Odo : Understood. Well, until I'm up and about, we could play chess. I'd suggest something else, but the Sisko/Odo slash market is next to nonexistent.
Sisko (Goes to get chess board) Who DO I get paired off with in those things?
(Meanwhile, in The Beta Quadrant)
Benson : Where ARE those people? They've already got Clayton and Pete. I'm even getting lonely for Krause!
Governor Gatling : Oh, that would never do. The Benson/Krause slash market...
(Now, back to The Alfer Quadrant)
Alf : HA! I kill me!
(Sisko pushes the little pest out an airlock)
Sisko : He MEANT AL-PHA Quadrant!
Odo : Won't he die out there?
Sisko : If the Prophets are gracious, yes.
Odo : So how'd an upwardly mobile human like yourself end up here?
S : Its a long story. You see, I had long suspected that the parasites that killed my family had their origins in a creature called The Ancient...
(Taps the desk)
O : I guess Rob hasn't been getting enough sleep of late. Try again.
(Outside, Ghidorah pecks at window)
O : No, it was a false alarm.
(Creature shrieks)
O : Yes, another one.
(Flies off)
Sisko : As I was saying-after the revelation that I was one of the Four Horsemen, Macleod never did trust me again. To that end, I devised a scheme...
(Taps desk again)
Sisko : For the record, I am not Methos, Peter Kirk, or Hawkeye Pierce. Now may we go on? Thank You. I was at the battle of Wolf 359. I lost my wife to an inter-dimensional rift. She ended up on a soap opera, as the replacement Kendall on All My Children once they fired Sarah Michelle Gellar.
Together : GUESS WE'LL NEVER SEE HER IN FUTURE EPISODES!
Sisko : I commanded the Sue-Rotaga.
Odo : Don't you mean the Saratoga?
Sisko : No. My crew was composed entirely of young, beautiful wunderkinds.
Odo : Not- The MARY Sue-Rotaga?
Sisko : The very same. It was a cushy life. I never had to do anything. Most problems got solved before they started. But that day, I lost my entire crew.
(We see a flashback with The Sue-Rotaga darting back and forth between twenty different positions)
Sisko : I was on the outs with Starfleet Command, so we had to form our own battle group. But Wesley knew how to handle it. If he didn't, Naomi did. If they didn't, Pete and Saavik did. Then, there was my own son Jake.
(Flashback)
Young Jake : Gosh, you're a great Dad. I'd show you how much I really love you...
Sisko : But you're embarrassed to?
YJ : No, its just that the Jake/Ben Sisko slash market is next to nonexistent. Hey, Crusher! Correct to 180 on the Borg flank!
WC : Can't, sir. I was saving the Beta Quadrant when those classes were given. I flunked flank!
YJ : Flunked Flank? Get the flunk out of here!
Sisko : What's our position, Mister Kirk?
PK : Our opponent appears to be a large dragon, sir!
(Sisko gets up and slaps the shit out of him)
Naomi : Get a life, Pete!
Saavik : (Belts her through the floor) That's my man, you little Bitch!
(The Present)
Sisko : They were the best and brightest of the best and brightest's best and brightest's best and brightest's best and brightest. But My God, were they ever annoying! They were still my crew, though, and their loss cuts at me.
Odo : Killed?
Sisko : No.
Odo : Assimilated?
Sisko : Far worse.
(Flashback - We see Mel Brooks as a Borg)
Brooks : Listen up, you young shmucks! You want to end up like the kids from Different Strokes? Go to College, have something to fall back on in case this Federation thing doesn't go anywhere. Go on, beat it! Oy! They have less of a social life than we do!
(The Present ; We see a shaken Sisko)
Sisko : They were all-matriculated!
Odo : War Is Hell.
(Sisko interviews prospective crew)
Sisko: Tell Me, Mister Eddington. What religion are you?
Eddington: My family worships the Roman God Janus. Duality.
Sisko: Favorite Batman Villain?
Eddington: Harvey Dent.
Sisko: Favorite New York Baseball Team?
Eddington: The Meytankees, of course.
Sisko: Any ancestors in the military?
Eddington: Why, yes. Both Lee and Grant.
Sisko: Favorite TOS villains?
Eddington: Bele, Lokai, Lazarus, and The Salt Vampire.
Sisko: Favorite Novels?
Eddington: Les Miserables and The Strange Case Of Doctor Jekyll and Mister Hyde.
Sisko: Good...We'll Talk Later.
(Aside To Odo)
Sisko: Introduce him to the fabulous Airlock Deck.
(O'Brien and Keiko walk in)
Keiko: I vedy pleased to meeting Commander-Person!
O'Brien: Suren Begora, I'll get meself blasted on the Pylons, nmaybe then be givin ya some work, should the notion strike me besotted brain!
Sisko: (Stands Up In Horror) My God, They've Been Stereotyped! There's Only One Solution-An anachronistic 20th Century Song!
Sisko: Sing, Sing A Song-Let The World Sing Along-Sing Of Good Things-Not Bad-Sing Of Happy, Not Sad,
(Karen Carpenter's Voice Comes Out Of The Wormhole)
KC: Don't Worry That It's Not Good Enough; For Anyone Else To Hear; Just Sing; Sing A Song!
Sisko: You tell me, folks-Cleavon Little got Sir Duke-I get the Carpenters.
(O'Briens snap out of it)
O'Brien: Damn that Dukat! I haven't been that stereotyped since 'Under Siege'.
Keiko: Oh, quit your whining, Colm! When it comes to PC terror, The Celtic Societies have Nothing on the Asian ones. They still haven't forgiven me for Soon-Lee.
Sisko: All right, people, get in character-Yesterday!
Robert Urich: Hawk, man, we need you!
Sisko: I hear Burt Reynolds needs a stand-in.
(RU runs off)
Sisko: Okay, people-names?
K: Keiko Ishikawa O'Brien.
M: Seamus Edward O'Brien.
Sisko: But I thought your name was Miles.
K: (Smiling) Nope. Miles is a nickname I gave him after our honeymoon.
(Hearing this, Bashir and Garak start over towards them)
K: (Whips out a phaser rifle) Get back! We're closing down that little series of fics here and now!
(GB back off)
M: I was a madman til her stabilizing influence entered my life.
Sisko: Uh-huh. Ok. Chief, you're for Engineering-and Keiko, you'll be spoken of a lot but not seen terribly often.
K: As long as I'm worked in just enough, like Barbara Barrie was on 'Barney Miller'.
M: Why didn't they ever arrest the Sweathogs? That would have been a natural.
K: Well, did you ever notice that on 'Sanford And Son' you almost NEVER saw Bubba and Grady in the same episode?
Sisko: Unimportant Trivia, people. Now get to your duties. Keiko, you're due to be harassed by The Kai at 3.
K: Then I better teach those kids some evolution, on the double! (Leaves)
M: Sir, my sidearm?
Sisko: Oh. Well, here's one for you. (Gives him Phaser)
M: (Appears in red uniform) How about me sir?
Sisko: Oh, yeah. One for you.
M: (In grey uniform) And me, sir?
S: One for you.
M: (Dressed as Keiko) And me, sir?
S: One for you.
M: (Leaves with fifteen phasers) Thanks, Sir. Youse is real generous.
Sisko: (Shakes his head) Silly, Stupid Obsession with 20th Century Trivia!
(Looks around nervously)
S: Computer, Call Up The Investigation On Chuck Cunningham. Long Past Time we found that man!
(Enter Bashir)
Bashir: Sir, I'm your new CMO, and I am absolutely positively NOT a genetic accelerate!
S: I see. Doctor-have you been genetically accelerated?
B: No, sir. My genes have never been pulled up!
S: Thanks for sharing. Mister Bashir, have you ever had your DNA altered?
B: No, Sir. My Acid Has Never Been Dropped!
S: (Wearing little sunglasses)Faaarr out, Man! But tell me-have you been evolved artificially?
B: No, Sir! And If You Met My Father, you would never ask such a question.
Sisko: Well, I suppose that's it, then.
B: Sir, what is that antique on your desk?
S: Why, its a 20th Century Video Cassette Recorder. Pre-VCR plus Model. Go and play with it if you like. I'll finalize this paperwork.
B: (Fiddles with it) Hey, this timer and advanced recording mechanism is quite simple to set. Its no longer flashing '12:00'
Sisko: (Stands Up) A-HA! I KNEW IT! You ARE a genetic accelerate!
B: (Slaps himself in the head) Doh! I can't believe I fell for The VCR Test!
Sisko: (Smiles) Ahh, Go To Sickbay, Ya Big Lug! We'll let it go. Gwannn!
Bashir: Awww...Capn! You are the best CO DS9 ever had!
(Garak and Quark walk in)
Sisko: In short, gentlemen-your task is simple. Play off humanity's dark corners as aliens, so the audience doesn't feel like its being preached to.
Quark: Why would any hu-mon come into my bar for food and drink if you have replicators?
Garak: And you'd think after what Gul Madred did to Picard, Starfleet Intelligence would just find an excuse to arrest and interrogate any Cardassian.
Quark: Yeah. And why did they let him command a Starship again? I mean, he was fatally compromised by The Borg!
Garak: Him? What about Mister 'I Am Possessed' Himself, Data?
Sisko: Gentlemen, that is quite enough! As of right now, I am suspending your Disbelief! Dismissed!
Garak: All well and good, Commander-but there is still one question that cannot be so easily dismissed.
Sisko: And That Is?
Quark: If this is a 'Blazing Saddles' knock-off, then why haven't ANY of the jokes so far been derived from Mel Brooks?
Sisko: My God, You're Right! Cut To The Commissary Scene!
Garak: I thought you were The Commissary.
Sisko: That just earned you General Order Seven, Mister!
THE COMMISSARY SCENE
(Shatner sits down to have his lunch; Beside him is Khan)
WS: How's everything, Ricardo?
RM: Aaah, They Lose Me After The Genesis Scene.
(BACK AT DS9)
Sisko: You call that a Brooks Scene? Give Me A REAL Brooks Scene!
(Garak walks in with a suit)
Sisko: MEL Brooks, not Brooks Bros...but leave that here.
GAMMA QUADRANT
Weyoun: Make way for Our Goddess, The Female Founder!
(We see hooded shapeshifters descend)
Weyoun: The Female Founder! Do not Look to her for Mercy! The Female Founder! Do Not Look To Her For Charity! Lets Face It, You Just Founder In A Bad Mood!
(Female Founder takes off her hood)
FF: Let All Races Everywhere Accept Our Supreme Authority Or Face Utter Annihilation! For Now We Inaugurate The Era Of The Dominion!
All: We're The Dominion!
(Female Founder does a backflip, lands on the floor below; Music Starts)
FF: We're The Dominion!
Vorta Chorus: And What's More...
FF: We're The Dominion...
VC: What's In Store?
FF: We Have A Mission To Conquer All The Feds
VC: Fed-fed-fed-fed-fed-Fed!
FF: We're Gonna DeFang...
VC: The Klingons!
FF: We're Gonna OutSmart...
VC: The Romulons!
FF: We'll Make Bajor An Offer It Can't Refuse!
VC: That The Vedeks Just Can't Refuse!
FF: So, listen, Vulcan and Tellar, All You Gorn and Old Andor...I Know You're Wishin' That We'd Discorporate...But The Dominion's here and its here to...
VC: Hey, Blessed Founder...Waddya You Say?
FF: I Just Got Back From The Great Link Bay.
VC: Great Link Bay? What's A Great Link Bay?
FF: An ideal way of life; But I'm Not There This Day!
VC: Hey, Blessed Founder...Come This Way...
VC: We played some games with some DNA...Minds acquiescent...They Hit Like Cars...
Weyoun: We Decided To Call Them The Jem'Hadar!
(The First Comes Out; FF inspects him)
FF: What Say You, First?
First: I like, Really Need A Fix, Maaann!
FF: I approve!
(Cheers)
(Female Founder gets up and dances)
FF: So look out all you Alpha Quads...We Got Big News For All You Clods...We Know You're Wishin', We'd All Discorporate; But As Of Now The Dominion...Is Your Brand...New...Staaaate! YEAH!
-
BACK AT DS9
Kira: Commander, I Will Never Accept The Federation's Presence Here On Terok Nor! No, Never! Never, Ever, Ever!
Sisko: Please?
Kira: Oh, Alright! By the way, what did the Prophets say to you?
Sisko: They said that Bajor is really, really du-Bajoran!
(Curzon Dax walks in)
CD: Benjamin!
S: Old Man!
CD: I am so glad to see...Uhhh! (Dies)
S: Damn! Major, go check my closet.
(Kira opens it; Sign says 'Spare Trill Hosts'; Kira picks one; Sees The Other)
Kira: A Pageboy Haircut? Yuck!
(Jadzia awakens)
JD: Oh, thanks, Benjamin. Boy, I feel like a fool not having my arteries cleaned.
K: What do we do with Curzon's body?
JD: Send him back to Trill; They Have A Recycling Program Now.
Quark: As well they should.
JD: Because 20th Century Earth nearly wiped itself out with pollution.
Jake: But there are ways you can help.
Miles: Things You Can Do.
Rom: A Difference You Can Make In Your Own neighborhood.
Keiko: Write To Your Congressman
Quark: Garbage Is quite profitable.
Odo: Start a compost heap in your backyard, for organic trash
Nog: But don't just sit back
Bashir: Or it will all go to waste
Sisko: What The Hell Are We Doing?
(They all point to a stagehand)
Stagehand: The Lord Rick Berman has proclaimed that all Star Trek Series this week shall show an ecological conscience.
(Sisko punches him out)
Sisko: Piss On You! I'm working for Ira Behr!
CARDASSIA PRIME
Dukat: Hmmm...I hadn't expected Bajor to accept its Human Emissary. This complicates matters.
Damar: Sir, we could always send in Worf!
Dukat: Hmmm...aside from being a complete violation of all established continuity, that's a brilliant idea, Damar. Lets tell the men.
(They Go Out; Dukat catches a whiff)
Cardassian: Gul Dukat! May We Raid Another Federation Colony? We wish to capture more of This Escarole and Cannelini Bean Soup!
Dukat: (Hand Waves In Front Of His Face) I would say that the supply you've already captured is more than adequate.
Damar: Oh, sure. THIS routine he remembered to put in.
-
DS9
Kai Winn: These Children Must Be Taught A Moral Code And Religious Lessons So Strict, It Breaks Their Young Spirits And Sends Them Into A Psychotic Frenzy.
Keiko: NO! These children must be given lessons and information so value-neutral, that the total lack of direction breaks their young spirits and sends them into a psychotic frenzy.
Kai Winn: Are You Challenging My Authority?
Keiko: Yes! I, Keiko O'Brien, do hereby challenge you to MORON KOMBAT!
(The fight begins; The Kai has the power, but Keiko has the speed)
Miles: C'mon, Keiko!
Dax: Flip Her Like A Pancake!
Jake: Pop Her Like A Cork!
Rom: Fleegle!
Nog: Bingo!
Leeta: Drooper!
Sisko: And Snort!
All: Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la- Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
Kira: (Unenthusiastically) oh, fight, on eminence. don't give up-and stuff.
(After a savage blow; The Kai stands stunned and weary; Keiko smiles)
Sisko: Finish Her!
(Keiko morphs into a dragon; The Kai looks up; Screams; Keiko devours her; Morphs back)
Odo: Showoff!
Keiko: (Wipes her mouth with her elbow) Kai-licious!
Sisko: Flawless Victory. Animality.
Miles: Yes, she is!
(A pounding comes from the airlock)
Kira: Oh, No! Its Worf!
Sisko: Who's Worf?
Odo: Worf is less of a who and more of a what.
(Sisko grabs a large phaser rifle)
Miles: Oh, sir, you mustn't shoot him.
Bashir: Yes, I'm afraid you'll only make him angry.
(Sisko stares fearfully at airlock)
(The pounding at the airlock from BS3 continues)
Sisko: Everyone! Assume disaster positions!
(All crew and civilians spread themselves out, writhing in agony)
Sisko: Schmucks.
(Finally, the airlock bursts-but it isn't Worf)
IR Baboon: WHERE FORE AM WEA-SEL?!
Red Guy: Oooh, I am Gul Pantsless!
Sisko: This station is not falling into the hands of Cartoon Network-FIRE AT WILL!
(Riker walks up, slaps Sisko)
Riker: You do and I'll give you such a pinch!
(Baboon and The Red Guy are done away with)
Kira: So, Once Again, The Day Is Saved, Thanks To-The Emissary!
Jake: Daaaad! Me and Nog have a problem.
Sisko: What is it, Slac-er, son?
Nog: This Wadi guy, see? He played this game, and my Uncle Quark cheated, and then he trapped us in the game, and it really bummed us out.
Sisko: Wadi-is this true?
Wadi: All a game, Commander. You've been to Paris, you've been to Rome. Now, move along, move along, move along home!
Sisko: (Smiles) I see.
(Turns to O'Brien and Odo)
Sisko: Gentlemen-move Wadi's face along into an available bulkhead-about twelve times.
(We see Wadi pleading as they do just that)
Sisko: Its all in the game.
Sisko: When The Siege Hit Us, Things Got Hard, Fast.
Garak: Threads! I Have Threads For Sale! Technically, you're not naked if you have threads!
Quark: Voles! I have nice fresh voles for sale! Make Vole Juice-Vole Burgers-and The Ever-Popular—Vole Parmiagiano.
Berman: Integrity! I have a show's integrity for sale! Integrity-sorry, all sold out.
Kira: I'd bet good money that Kai Winn is behind all this.
Quark: Ok, that's one bet on The Kai, at 2-1! Now, we are no longer taking bets on Gul Dukat-but we are taking 50-1 on Q!
Rom: Wait a minute-how did we get Kai Winn back? I thought Keiko, er-
Keiko: (Holding a bottle of Ex-Lax) I'd really rather not discuss it!
Sisko: People, people-we can get through this, if we just stick together!
Jake: Dad-we're out of Scoop-Size Corn Chips!
Sisko: No! My Chili is useless without those Corn Chips!
(Crumples into a ball)
Sisko: We're Doooomedd!
(Bashir studies Sisko's depression)
Bashir: Well, he's deep into it. But my Mother, Amsha, once showed me a technique for dealing with this.
Dax: You mean, a technique from the Indian Subcontinent?
Bashir: No, a technique from Brooklyn, New York. Amsha studied under Ida Morgenstern.
(Bashir centers himself, breathes in, his face shifts)
Bashir: (Sounding a bit like Nancy Walker) Ben, Ben-why are you lying around like a lump of old laundry?
Sisko: Doctor, I...
Bashir: Shuddup! Yer still a Commander-why haven't you made Captain yet?
Sisko: (Kind of sheepish) I-I just don't like playing the political games...
Bashir: Oh, so making yourself better is all about politics-I see. Y'know, I get letters from McCoy, Crusher-The HoloGuy-all their CO's made Captain. Why do I have to hem and haw?
Sisko: You know I want to make you proud of me-I'll try harder, I promise!
Bashir: Benjamin-promises I got up my tuckus! I need results. Why didn't you ever marry that nice Shelby-woman?
Sisko: It-It just didn't work out. She mocked on my cooking.
Bashir: YOUR cooking? I taught you how to cook! You are not to see her again!
Sisko: Now, wait a minute, Doctor! I am almost 40 years old, and I will not have my CMO telling me who I can and cannot date!
Bashir: (Sniffles) You see, Jadzia? He raises his voice to his CMO-feh! Get out of here, you ungrateful wretch! I spit on you!
Sisko: Doctor-I have to go to work. I have no more time for your guilt trips.
(Walks out of Sickbay)
Bashir: (Yells after him) So, go! Who's stopping you? Gwan, you ungrateful bum! Sixteen Hours, Benjamin! That's how long I spent filling out the forms to become your CMO! And you thank me by walking out? FINE! I have other officers who'll be grateful for their CMO's help!
Miles : Wow, he's really into it.
Bashir: Miles-so why do you and Keiko only have the one babushka? Any problems in the downstairs, you should tell me about?
Jadzia: Julian, stop it-you're going meshugine!
Bashir: Says the little lady who doesn't want to marry a Doctor. What, you holding out for an Admiral? Cause your looks sure aren't, lemme tell ya.
Miles: Oooh, that's low.
Jadzia: Only one chance. Its a revival technique that Spock taught Curzon.
(Folds her hands together, as though in prayer, then slaps Julian hard across the face)
Jadzia: SNAP OUT OF IT!
Bashir: (Awakens) Oh, my. How far gone was I?
Miles: (Eating chicken soup) Well, the matzoes aren't the best I've had, but the broth is a good stock.
Bashir: The secret is the pepper. Don't buy that cheap stuff on the promenade. Now, there's this shop in Shikahr Province...
Sisko: Having regained my confidence, I bought Julian a Mother's Day gift and confronted the mastermind behind The Siege.
Circle-Leader: I am The Villian, as played by Frank Langella.
Sisko: Your movement is xenophobic and paranoid!
CL: (Nonchalantly) Sticks and stones.
Sisko: Your movement is violent and repressive.
CL: Omellettes and Eggs.
Sisko: Your movement is supported by Cardassians.
CL: Politics and Bedfellows.
Sisko: Your movement was panned by Daily Variety!
(HEADLINE READS: BAJOR CIRCS TURKS MERCS LURKS JERKS)
CL: (Cries Out) NOOO! Not a bad review! The Circle is broken!
(He leaves)
Kai Winn: You may have won this round, Sisko-but I'll be sticking around-
(She sees Keiko sharpening a steak knife, smiling.)
Keiko: I'm a hungry fighter!
(The Kai leaves, creating a cartoonish doorway shaped like herself in the outer hull)
Sisko: Well, all's well that ends well.
(As they all walk off laughing, people are sucked out through the hole created by Kai Winn's passage)
BABEL ON, BUT TAKE FIVE
Bashir: Captain, we're all losing our ability to speak coherently, due to this virus.
Sisko: Then we'll have to have a -
SILENT EPISODE!
(Sisko points; They all see Gul Dukat)
(The chase begins; They all bump into each other)
(An angry Kira grabs a fire hose, and turns it on Dukat; He slips about, but makes for Quark's)
(Quark's, of course, is having a special on Chocolate Cream Pies; Dukat throws the first one; Sisko ducks, and it hits Miles; Keiko laughs until Miles gets her with one; Quark shrugs, wondering who's going to pay for all this)
(A team of Odo's Constables wanders in, all wearing large Bobby-hats, wielding nightsticks)
(Dukat confidently picks up a pie, but a fist comes out of it and knocks him cold The pie was Odo, of course)
Sisko:
Sisko:
Sisko:
Sisko: (Holds up chalkboard that says ; "END SILENT EPISODE")
O'Brien:
O'Brien: Chalkboard: When, sir?
Sisko: Chalkboard: NOW!
O'Brien: Chalkboard: Grouch.
REALLY, REALLY WRONG WRONGS THAT ARE DARK, BAD, AND NOT SO GOOD, EITHER
News Announcer: Despite their claims that Bajor is their homeworld, too, the useless Kryptonians were sent away, as they could be only a drain on superior Bajorans. In other news, Doctor Bashir and Mister O'Brien beat the living crap out of those races that tried to kill them for knowing about their weapons and then imprisoned them with holo-geeks.
Dukat: (In the brig) The Sports Scores! Get To The Sports Scores!
Kira: Enjoying yourself, Dukat?
Dukat: Yes, Major. I just saw the legendary episode of 'Itchy And Scratchy' where Itchy actually won.
Kira: (Angry) You're lying! That episode doesn't exist. Now, you said you had something to tell me.
Dukat: Yes, I did.
(Puts On Vader Helmet)
Dukat: Kira Nerys-I Am Your Father!
Kira: Daddy?
Dukat: (Removes helmet) Yes, my dear. When I conquered your mother's hometown, I knew I had to enslave her.
Kira: Oh, that's so romantic-like me and Odo, only twisted by evil and darkness.
Dukat: Kira, aren't you happy to be my daughter?
Kira: But Dadddyyy-what about all the rotten things you did to Bajor?
Dukat: Rotten things? What rotten things?
OCCUPIED BAJOR
Damar: Gul Dukat-the Resistance is growing in strength-The Bajorans are revolting!
Dukat: Ya know, Damar, its insults like that that help the Resistance out.
Damar: But sir-they hate you most of all.
Dukat: Me? But-I am their viceroy-I Love Them! Pull!
(Inside a giant pinball machine are Bajorans trapped in giant glass pinballs)
Dukat: (To Kira) Oh, I'll admit there were some instances of minor overzealousness on my part. OK-I'll concede that the annual Bajoran Roast was a bit much-but you all simply taste so good with A1 and Worcste-tesest-tesist-ire Sauce.
Kira: Do I have any relatives? Will they even want to meet me?
Dukat: Do you? Would they?
(Starts to sing)
Shaaake hands with your Uncle Jonith, Me Girl, And There Is Your Sister Kaat-and there's the boy you used to swing down by the garden gate-shake hands with all your neighbors-I do believe its time-you were welcomed to your homeworld—Ye Olde Cardassia Prime!
(While Kira is doing a suspiciously Irish looking jig, Dukat escapes. Feeling foolish, Kira is alone)
Kira: Well, at least I know I'm not really half-Cardassian-
(Smiles a wicked smile)
Kira: After all, if I were-that would interfere with my master plan! A-hahhaha! Nooo-I'm not Cardassian at all.
O'Brien: Ops to Kira-there's some old Bajorans won't move off the moons.
Kira: Well, then, blow them up! Nope, no Cardassian blood in this girl.
THE ASSIGNED VISIONARY
Keiko: Little does Chief O'Brien realize that I have secretly replaced the fine loving wife he usually comes home to with a Pagh Wraith!
(Then, 15 Miles O'Briens enter)
Miles 1: Hey, Keiko? Listen, honey-all my bouncing temporal counterparts followed me home-please be nice to them, Ok?
(Behind The Doors)
Keiko's Voice: What-I-I-what is that-what are you-Oh-Oh-Oh-Sweet Mystery Of Life, At Last I've Found You!
PAGH WRAITH REALM
PW1: You have failed us. Why?
PW2: Exhaustion. Sheer Exhaustion.
PW3: Damn Your Soul!
PW2: Too late.
MERIDIAN'S CHILDREN OF SHADOWPLAY DESTINY
Vedek Yarka: Captain Sisko-you must avoid travelling to the holographic village on the disappearing planet that will never exist unless you stay there forever, starting yesterday. The Prophets have declared that something bad might never happen, upsetting the balance of-can I start again?
Dax: Benjamin, we owe it to all the holographic descendants we will never have on the disappearing planet to travel there, even if The Prophets only gave it two stars for lousy service.
Bashir: We need to move quickly, sir, if we're to save the people in the holographic village on the disappearing planet that will never exist and never has, except for our non-interference directive.
Jake: Dad, if I go out with a holographic half-sister who might never exist on a planet that's going to disappear anyway, is it really incest?
Miles: I owe it to the ridiculously cute little Irish girls named Molly on the holographic planet with the disappearing village to get their Christmas presents to them before their grandchildren are born.
Cardassian Scientist: We would very much like to study the disappearing planet with the holographic village that will probably never exist. But we suspect that The Obsidian Order won't follow us there, just to keep us on our toes.
Kira: We're all too late. The disappearing planet with the holographic village has disappeared and now never existed at all, which means we never had this conversation.
Odo: We should have acted harder to save that non-existent place which we can now no longer remember and which will now always live on in our memories.
Vedek Yarka: It is as the Prophets meant it to be. We of Bajor were wrong not to take in the people from the holographic village on the disappearing planet that never existed but once did.
Quark: They would have been an ideal market-I'd always at least break even. Good people, those folks from the holographic village in the past on the disappearing planet that never materializes.
Village Creator: They were my people, before they de-rezzed, disappeared and entered a chronal limbo.
(They all walk out, but Sisko just sits there, brooding)
Sisko: Computer, delete all entries about the holographic village on the disappearing planet that never existed.
Computer: Query: What In The Hell Are You Talking About?
(Lxwana comes out from behind Computer Curtain)
Lx: I quit!
(A Vole is drinking Kanar in the background; Throws away bottle)
Vole: I quit, too!
Sisko narrates: Things got really rough aboard the station. There was that time we were all forced to replay this mission from another quadrant that ended in complete disaster.
VOYAGERITIS PERSONAE
Sisko: Do you want to all end up in The Brig?
Kira: There's an old story among my people...
O'Brien: Listen, I can do just fine without Data's nattering input-we should never have taken him aboard!
Dax: Just wait til you all see what I've cooked up, from something I found growing in Quark's.
Bashir: I fail to see the humor in this untoward situation, and just when will I be deactivated?
Sisko: Take this station straight into that wormhole!
Sisko: Luckily, the crew mutinied as expected, ending the simulation. Then, there was the time that Odo was wrongfully convicted of murder.
A MAN ALONE, AT THE TONE
Eddington: The murderer Odo has escaped, but I'll find him.
Odo: (Wearing Groucho Glasses and moustache) Nope, no one by that name here. I'm O'Donnell.
O'Brien: Yeah, and he's one of us, Eddington. In the two days he's worked here, we've accepted him!
(At Quark's the proprietor shakes his head)
Quark: Nope, haven't seen the Constable. Have you, Odom?
Odo: (Turns around with big ears, voice imitative of Rom's) Uhhh, No, Cousin!
Quark: Odom may be an idiot, but in the five hours he's worked here, we've come to accept him as one of our own.
Quark: (Turns to camera) Did they really pad this out for five years on 'The Fugitive'?
(Eddington scours a lineup)
E: Which one of you is Odo?
Bill Bixby: Not me, officer!
E: Oh, yeah? Guys-take this jamoak and beat the crap out of him!
(Backstage, constables are torn to pieces by the Hulk)
E: Are you Odo?
Robert Jannsen: No, sir!
E: Gwan, get lost-but you'll be stuck doing menial jobs with little documentation! How about you? Are you Odo?
Kirk: (Gumped in from Trials and Tribbelations) It wasn't me.
E: What about you?
Harrison Ford: Nope. I'm just an actor. I'm looking for a good part.
E: Oh, are you? Well, just for being uncooperative-there's a former art student directing this film he calls a Sci-Fi Fairy Tale-you'll be stuck playing the dashing hero!
HF: Its not 'Behold, The Ancient Destroyer!' -is it?
E: Do I look that cruel?!
(Inside Sisko's office)
Sisko: Mister Eddington-I'd like you to meet Trill Ambassador Odan.
E: (Leaps at Odan, starts tearing off her clothes) OH, NO YOU DON'T, ODO! You're NOT fooling me again.
(Eddington is dragged off while a shocky Odan is sedated)
Sisko: (To Odo) Constable, didn't you inform Eddington that you'd been cleared of the charges of murder?
Odo: Well, yes I did, sir. But I sent it to him via my Deja News E-Mail.
Kira: (Holds up her hand) Great going, Odo! The Dominion will be part of The Federation before he gets it.
(They all laugh and freeze as the credits roll)
Sisko: But ultimately, the time came when all old business had to be settled-once and for all.
O'Brien: Captain-you agreed to play Godfather at my son's baptism?
Sisko: Ah, yes. Mister Garak, Doctor Bashir-go and make those alterations I mentioned.
Bashir: Our pleasure, Don Sisko.
Garak: As you say, Don Sisko.
(Vedek Yarka raises his hands)
VY: Who stands for this child, to show it the one true way?
Sisko: I do.
(Kai Winn sees message taped to her mirror)
KW: Say hello to Opaka and Bariel?
(Bathroom blows up)
Yarka: Will you show him right from wrong?
Sisko: I will.
(Bashir is having dinner in a restaurant with the mother and son cult-leaders from 'Paradise')
Mother: Doctor Bashir-what do you think of our anti-technology message?
Bashir: I'll tell you after I use the refresher.
(Goes in, finds a phaser inside an old hand-dryer)
Son: All refreshed? Now, what do you think about the evils of technology?
(Bashir pulls the phaser, shoots them both twice)
Bashir: I'm for it!
Yarka: Will you keep this child away from the Path Of The Pagh Wraiths?
Sisko: Absolutely.
Garak: Quark, Captain Sisko purchased this runabout to help you make a quick getaway. Would he spend all those credits just to blow it up?
Quark: Thanks, Garak.
(He sits in front. Sees Morn behind him)
Morn: Hello, Quark.
(Morn garrotes him)
Yarka: Will you help this boy to prevail over darkness?
Sisko: Yah, sure, yew betcha.
(Nog and Rom are in a fishing boat)
Rom: Nog-you did tell Captain Sisko that I will pay him back for what I took?
Nog: Already paid in full, Father.
(Pan back, a gunshot is heard)
(At the O'Briens)
Sisko: Keiko-Miles! All these lovely bar stools and tables. Wherever did you get them?
Keiko: (Smiles nervously) Oh, here and there.
USS ENTERPRISE-D
(The crew looks out at a stripped-bare Ten Forward)
Picard: Guinan-why is there no place to sit?
Riker: I say-we hit DS9!
Data: I shall ready the specialized instruments by which we will castrate the subjects, and then place said objects in an oral position.
(Gul Dukat is driving a 1948 Packard)
Dukat: There's a sharp curve-but luckily I just had the brakes replaaaaacced!
(Car goes over a cliff, Dukat has last thought)
Dukat: I don't own a 1948 Packard. Where's my Tucker Torpedo?
(At The O'Briens, Sisko recieves Gowron as a visitor)
Gowron: Good work, Don Sisko.
Sisko: Thanks, Gowron. Now, let's cut those Romulan and Dominion bums of the deal entirely.
Gowron: We shall become the sole exporters of Reruns for all four series!
Sisko: We'll sell them to the B5 fans. They're animals, anyway!
Kira: Prophets, but this is a depressing ending.
Sisko: Yes, Major-but it gets better in -
BLAZING STARSHIPS 5 - THE WAY OF THE WEASEL!
(Coming in two months)
Nog: (Walks up to Sisko; Pulls something out; Stabs at him with it)
HERE'S YOUR INVENTORY! HERE'S YOUR INVENTORY! HERE'S YOUR INVENTORY!
Sisko: A big hand, folks, for Aron Eisenberg as Nog, doing his takeoff of the 'Psycho' takeoff scene from 'High Anxiety'
(Fade out)
(Jadzia walks into Sisko's office)
Dax : Benjamin-this small fragment is all that's left of The Odyssey, after the Jem'Hadar got through with it.
(Its about the size of a turkey platter)
Sisko : Another Galaxy Class lost.
(He turns around, and we see outlines of Galaxy-classes on his wall. Endless rows are marked with X's. He adds one more.)
(O'Brien walks in)
Miles : Sir, this is all that's left of the USS Illiad. The Jem'hadar were thorough.
(Its half of O'Brien's height and width)
Sisko : Another Excelsior Class lost.
(Goes into a cookie jar. Pulls out a Excel.-looking cookie; Breaks it)
Sisko : They only baked 100 dozen of those for the 'Generations' premiere. Shatner and Doohan got the bulk of them.
(Bashir walks in; straining)
Bashir : Sir-thisss-is all that's left of the USS Aeneid (Falls beneath a nacelle that's sticking out the doorway) AAGH!
O'Brien : Has he got Blue Cross?
Dax : No, Julian's an agnostic, since he dropped the 'El Fadil' part.
(Kira walks in)
Kira : Sir-that (she points out bay window) is all that's left of the USS The Betsy
(They look out; The ship is 100% intact)
Dax : But they don't have a scratch.
Kira : They had to turn back; The Champagne was not Korbel.
Sisko : Is Bareil with you, Major?
Bareil : I'm right here, Captain.
(Sisko nods)
Sisko : Another Ambassador-Class lost
(Fires a phaser; Kills Bareil)
(Jake walks in)
Jake : Dad, I recorded the Death Of Henry Blake episode like you wanted.
(Sisko nods; Takes out a tongue depressor; Breaks it)
Sisko : If anyone actually gets that joke, E-mail the author. People! We have got to find out who these Founders are!
(Odo walks in)
Odo : Excuse me, sir.
Sisko : Not now, Constable! Now-who are these Founders?
(Odo stretches and waves his hand)
Odo : Captain, its urgent we talk.
Sisko : Stand down, Constable! The Founders could be literally anyone!
(Odo puddles up from his desk)
Odo : Sir, I've been waiting quite some time...
Sisko : Don't push me, Constable! The last thing I need around here while we're trying to figure out who The Founders are is some silly shapeshifter from the Gamma Quadrant whose people exist in shadowy legend!
(All act startled at once)
All : (Fingers in air) Saaaaaaayyy...
(All pile into The Defiant)
Dax : Say, Odo? With you gone and all your staff on vacation, who'll keep order on the station?
Odo : (Pshaws) It'll keep itself for two weeks!
(Back on the station, Tom Paris is punching Quark with abandon)
Harry Kim : Now! Kick him when he's down! Again!
(Janeway walks up, frowning)
Janeway : Mister Paris!
(Paris holds a bloodied Quark)
Paris : Yes, Captain?
(She punches Quark)
Janeway : Its my turn.
(The Badlands; Boy this thing is drifting)
Chakotay : What do you mean, no Starfleet ships are pursuing us? None at all?
THE WORMHOLE
(Now, there's a severely-innuendo-laden term)
Sisko : Damn The Dominion And The Founders And All This Capitalization! They are clever.
(A single Jem'Hadar is manning a massive 'Founders' toll gate)
Bashir : Anyone got dimes?
Miles : Of course not! We don't use money anymore! Major, Dax-unzip your jumpers as we get up close. You too, Julian-just in case.
Bashir : No! I draw the line at B/J'h!
Dax : Why?
Bashir: Well, I have to draw it somewhere.
Sisko : Who do I get paired off with in those things?
(Kira whispers)
Sisko : Hey! That young man BRIBED his way to Lieutanant! All latinum-nothing else.
(Everyone nods suddenly)
All : Now it makes sense..I was wondering about that...
(O'Brien speaks)
Miles : Now, as we go through the wormhole, there may be side-effects.
(They all scream and writhe in agony as they fall to the floor of Defiant)
Sisko : Waterloo!
Kira : I was defeated you won the war...
Miles : Waterloo!
Dax : Promise you'll love me forevermore!
Odo : The history book on the shelf...
Sisko : is somehow repeating itself...
(The agony stops; We can't see their shadowed forms)
Sisko : Is everyone all right?
Kira : All here, sir.
Miles : And no side effects!
(They get up-as Muppet versions of themselves)
Sisko : Movin Right Along; Oh We are Out On The Towners;
Miles : We're Searching For Founders
Dax : While Making Gamma Quadrant Rounders!
Kira : We're Movin Right Along;
Odo : Oh, could things get much worse?
(A muppet Ghidorah passes outside; waves)
Sisko : Hey, I've never seen him here in our universe!
Dax : We're Movin Right Along
Miles : Hey, Founders, Where You Kept?
(They pass Krenim, Kazon, and other Delta Quadrant-based ships)
Kira : Send someone to fetch us, we're in a Voyager ep!
Dax : We're Movin Right Along
Miles : So far interference-free
Odo : Don't anyone disembark here
Sisko : Its Veridian 3!
Miles : We're Movin Right Along!
Worf : Oh, guys, can I come, too?
Dax : You're not really here for say, a season or two.
Sisko : We're Movin Right Along!
Miles : Those Founders sure do rot!
Kira : They just took our systems out with one single shot!
(They change back from Muppets; They glare at Sisko)
Sisko (Gulps) Darn that Shelby! She changed all my invincible specs! Yeah, that's it. My specs got changed.
(He points to the floor)
Sisko : We'll hide in the secret passages. Dax-pull that light fixture!
(She does; The revolving floor slams Sisko inbetween levels; His face is skrunched)
Sisko : Dx-lt go f th light fxtre!
(We interrupt BS5 for an episode of 'Those Wacky Ferengi')
(Spock walks up to Rom's delivery service)
Spock : Can messages be sent to AU's?
Rom : Of course, sir. Its our specialty!
Spock : Very well. Tell my Captain that his son is alive and held prisoner by corrupt forces within Starfleet. If you fail to do this, he may take a briefing room chair and kill me. If that happens, you will suffer a fate beyond description!
Rom : Don't you worry, sir.
(RomQuark argue)
Rom : You mean you SOLD my message paper?
Quark : You mean you didn't have a back-up copy?
(Both look at screen)
Both : UH-oh!
(Later; Their fate unfolds)
Berman : Now, the Klingon's ridges should look...
Quark : But sir. This is Pre-TOS. No Klingons have ridges.
Berman : ...and the Vulcans overbearing nature...
Rom : But, but Vulcans are live and let live kind of people!
Both : We're writers on Enterprise! AAAAGGHHHH!
('Those Wacky Ferengi' comes to an end)
(Back to BS- Sisko awakens in his office)
Sisko : Why, that whole Dominion thing was nothing but a dream. Or am I still dreaming?
Miles : Sir, my omnipresent wife is cooking corned beef, cabbage, and boiled potatoes tonight. You might want to bring Kassidy Yates, as played by Yummy Lynn Whitfield.
Quark : Captain, the Constable has been avoiding my tavern like the plague. Order him to come around more, willya?
Kira : No can do, Quarkie m'love! My hubby is spending time with me.
Dax : So long as you don't try and steal Julian from yours truly!
Bashir : Look everyone. I have Commander's bars. Enhanced people are on the fast track at Starfleet.
Garak : Dukat just called. He wants me to be co-chair of the Ethics Committee.
Jake : You're looking at Starfleet's newest officer!
Mirror Universe DS9 Women : And we're going to go for a more subtle Willow/Tara thing, instead of the insulting blatant stereotypes that we have become!
(All leave; Sisko stares at readers)
Sisko : Hell, I know its a dream. But for tonight-I get to have sex with Lynn Whitfield! I mean, doesn't this beat having to deal with Garak and The Romulans?
(The Next Day)
Kira : Kai Winn called. She's withdrawing from public life entirely.
Sisko : Yeah, yeah. But I now have to get out of this dream. I have to introduce a nightmarish element.
(Nechayev appears, looking a bit like Sandra Dee)
Nechayev : Like, Captain? I just totally signed the ginchiest treaty, ya know? The Dominion gets all of Bajor, cause Bajorans bite the weenie when it comes ta clothes. Now, totally obey!
(Sisko recoils; points a crowd of Bajorans to Nechayev)
Sisko : She's your new Emissary.
(They cut her down in a hail of phaser fire)
Sisko : Works every time.
(He wakes up; bound)
Sisko : I dreamed I was still on DS9.
Miles : I dreamed I was a crooked fight promoter.
Kira : I dreamed I was a dead girlfriend, restored by time travel.
Bashir : I dreamed of two hideous and rapacious powers that chewed up our history for their own gain. Their initials were B .
Dax : I dreamed that this fic used a lot more Mel Brooks jokes.
Sisko : Let's work on getting free. Initiate a commercial cutaway-now!
(When the commercial break is done, they are free)
Bashir : But how will we get past the Jem'Hadar?
Kira : By acting like a team.
Sisko : No-by acting like brothers and sisters!
(They walk past the Jem'Hadar)
Dax : He was MY date!
Kira : If you can't hold on to them, don't blame them for turning to me.
Miles : You got a car for graduation! I got a lousy used watch.
Bashir : (smiling) I know.
Sisko : Do I ALWAYS have to play peacemaker with you four?!
Miles : Oh, here comes Daddy's favorite.
Kira : And Mommy's.
Bashir : The martyr, always sacrificing for us-ohhhh, we're soooo grateful!
Dax : Pity he could never hold a job.
Sisko : Because Mom and Dad always made me take care of you ungrateful brats!
(They get out; The Jem'hadar look on)
JemH1 : Boy, ya know? My family is just like that.
JemH2 : Ahh, everybody's family is just like that. I could tell you stories...
(They all get out)
Dax : Curzon used to have a sure-fire method of making an enemy avoid him. Follow my lead.
(She walks up to Weyoun)
Dax : Excuse me, Mister Combs? You were just great as that crooked wrestling promoter on Voyager!
(Bashir walks up to female Vorta)
Bashir : You were so cool as Delenn's traitorous friend on B5. Could you sign this nude internet scan from your first movie?
(The Vortas run off, shaking)
(Odo is listening to the words of the Female Founder)
FF : Our plan is simplicity itself. We shall spend all of our money on the war. Then, we shall ask for the backing of the Cardassians, Klingons, Romulans, Breen, and whoever else wants to conquer. We shall then lose the war, and keep the money that the others put up. Using that money, we'll fight a real war and beat the Federation!
Odo : But...suppose you win the war?
FF : Get Out! You have no place in the Great Link with narrow thinking and overlong ellipsises like that!
(Odo leaves; then turns around)
Odo : Are you my mother, older sister, fated mate, or something?
(FF looks about)
FF : I just don't know. Behr won't even tell me.
(She looks down as he eases out)
Odo : She creeps me out.
FF : He'll be back, Weyoun. I kept his coat.
Weyoun : They stole back his coat.
FF : D'oh!
(Back on DS9)
Sisko : My son has been posessed by an evil muse!
(Jake wears a top hat and wields a cane)
Jake : If you're blue and you don't know where to go to; Why don't you
go where fashion sits...
Morn : Pftin n th Rftz!
Odo : I've discovered an infant shapeshifter! Watch what he can do!
(No one is looking; Infant rises up)
Inf. Shap. : Hello, My Baby, Hello My Honey, Hello My Ragtime Gal; You Are My One Desire; Honey My Hearts On Fire;
Odo : Look! Look!
(No one does)
Inf : So come on; and tell me I'm your ownnnnn!
Odo : Look!
(Everyone does; the infant has discorporated)
Sisko : That-that whole ash thing is really, cool, Constable.
(Odo takes the container and seals it back in the panel where he found it)
CARDASSIAN SPACE
Damar : Gul Dukat! I've captured Sisko and his crew. This time for sure!
(Assembled are : Robert Urich, Jamie Farr, Gary Busey, Didi Conn, Dean Stockwell,etc.)
Dukat : You idiots! You've captured their past co-stars!
Damar : Errr...the Female Founder is here to see you.
FF : Yes, I am. Would you like to ally Cardassia with the Dominion?
Dukat : Okay. But you have to do this for me...(Whispers)
FF : Why are you men obsessed with Kira? I mean, she's...never mind. Agreed. It is the dawn of a new beginning.
Damar : (Sings) Its Springtime For Dukat On Cardassia...
Weyoun : ...Winter For Bajor and Earth!
FF : I thought Cardassian springs were hellish times of Acid Rain and 'Dear John' Reruns.
Dukat : Well, yes. But the song flows so blasted well.
FF : Let us end this meeting on a high note!
All : (Singing) Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Miles : Sir, its confirmed. Worf is coming.
Kira : Worf.
Odo : Worf.
Bashir : Worf.
Dax : Worf.
Sisko : Worf! (Gets on the top of the console in Ops)-what is he good for?
Odo : Raising Our Ratings!
Sisko : Say it again, now! Worf! Prophets, What Is He Good For?
Dax : Raising Our Ratings!
Sisko : Yeah, yeah, yeahh! I fear Worf, and that's no lie-
Bashir : Cause he means the destruction of our storylines!
Kira : Ira Behr Claims About Worf That We'll Have More Say!
Miles : But Worf doesn't give screen time-he can only take it away!
Sisko : I say WORF! What is he good for-Dominating Two Shows!
Dax : TNG once had Worf in a walk-on role! But then he stuck around, and Crosby's job he stole..
Bashir : Worf is a threat to our DS9!
Kira : TPTB think he is such a great find!
All : Worf-What Is He Good For?
Jake : (Not singing) Four more seasons?
(They all stop, get off the chairs and table tops)
All : (Muttering) Didn't think of...kid has a good...a check's a check...
Bashir : Wait...my mutant senses are detecting some strange chatter.
(The best...number since Manos)
Kira : I can hear it too, now
(If I...Mel Brooks...sue for any...reason)
Dax : Its coming in more clearly each time.
(Maybe being that deep in space has softened their sense of good dialogue. I know it has mine.)
Sisko : It sounds familiar, somehow.
(When he was Hawk on Spenser, he'd just bust in a few doors.
Yeah, but on DS9 the doors open automatically.
Kind of like the nuances of the Dominion plot.)
Sisko : No, no it can't be.
(What can't it be? His Shatner imitation is getting worse?)
Kira : I'd almost rather be infested by the Pagh Wraiths.
(Don't kids trade Pog Wraiths in Hawaii?
Ugh. Don't go there. There could be Pokemon Wraiths.
Yeah, Like Pokemon *isn't* the work of extradimensional demons?!)
Dax : Benjamin-Kor once mentioned a phenomenon like this happening to Kirk, as he, Spock and McCoy went camping before the mission on Nimbus 3.
(TS : Yeah, Kor and Kirk used to trade camping stories between assasination attempts.
MN : Hey, that's how I bonded with a bully back in high school.
Cr : A little thing like that does tend to bring brainless thug and worthless geek together.)
Sisko : Oh, Sweet Prophets!
(Cr: A little passion, a little blindness!)
Miles : Its true! Its true.
(TS : The crown has made it clear! The climate must be perfect all the year!)
Bashir : Sir, we're going to have to face it.
(MN : They're addicted to Love?)
All : WE'RE BEING MISTED!
Crow : Well, they're sure not being missed.
Sisko : Calm down. We're going to find them.
Servo : Cause they been SEARCHIN'! Searchin everywhereeeee!
Miles : They're watching us. They've seen us with our loved ones.
Mike Nelson : I've seen you with Klinger's wife-and wearing some of his collection. You didn't look bad-not that I, ya know...
(The voices stop)
New Voice : I have them, Captain!
Tom Servo : Let us go!
Crow : Hey! Watch the arms!
Mike Nelson : OOWWWW!
(Worf walks in with the three in tow)
Sisko : We were all wrong about you, Mister Worf. Nelson? Why were you MISTing us as we went? Why didn't you have the decency to wait until it was done?
Mike : Hey, c'mon, Cap'n Hawk. This thing is a DS9/Mel Brooks Xover. Its MISTING is guaranteed, anyway.
Sisko : Not today, and not by you. Constable!
Odo : Come on, you!
Servo : BENSON!
Odo : Stop that.
Crow : Cy-Killllll!
Odo : I'm warning you...
Mike Nelson : He's gonna read us our last rites..
All Misties : Anddd Suicide is painless...
(Odo takes them away)
Sisko : Mister Worf, welcome to...
where is he?
Bashir : Romancing Dax, reuniting with his suicidal brother and now-grown son, and searching for relics with Kor.
Sisko : Damn, but he moves in fast.
(Raises an eyebrow)
Crow (Voice in the far distance) Fascinating!
Sisko : Having Worf around changed everything. He was a real Multi-Source character. Yes, a real MS.
(Worf shakes his fist at Gowron)
Worf : Gowron, you are without honor!
Gowron : All right, all right. I'll withdraw from Cardassian Territory! Just don't use that catchphrase again. I'm allergic to catchphrases.
Sisko : All right, people-let's move out!
Kira : Is this the will of The Prophets?
Bashir : I can't do anything more for this man.
Dax : Curzon used to say...
Miles : I found another blasted Vole!
Quark : How much latinum is in this for me?
Odo : We'll have to see about that.
Keiko : Are you and Miles playing Alamo again?
Rom : Brother, Chief-we have a small problem.
Picard : Make it so!
Troi : How does that make you feel?
(Bleeding and broken and wheezing, Gowron makes it to the bay doors)
Kirk (waiting by them) This is going to be biggg!
(Gowron dies screaming; Klingons glare)
Klingon : Our Chancellor has been cancellored!
Odo (Gulps) Errr-No! No. He was one of my people. Yeah, that's it. One of me.
Sisko : He was a lousy shapeshifter!
Klingon : Then why did he not discorporate?
Miles : See how lousy he was?
(Worf talks with Kor)
Worf : So-we are to find the lost slippers of Kahless?
Kor : Those comfortable yet sturdy pieces of warrior footwear that enabled him to stand his ground in a stylish yet always manly fashion.
Jadzia : Then-I guess we three are on the path of Lord Kahless!
Kor : The path to Stovokar.
Worf : Stovokar?
All 3 : (Singing as they go) Oh, we're on the path to Stovokar-we certainly do get aroooounnnd! Boom-chikee-boom-chikee-boom!
Worf : Later, we found the slippers. But a fight broke out.
Kor : These slippers will restore my youth!
Jadzia : These slippers will renew my contract.
Worf : These slippers will make me a really cool guy in the Empire!
(Duras' son runs up-grabs them)
Duras son : I got em'! I got em'! I...
(Large explosion is heard)
Worf : Didn't he know about the Indiana Jones-like curse on those sacred slippers?
Kor : We shall give these slippers to The Emperor!
Jadzia : Wouldn't it feel good to Kahless?
(Back at the station)
Worf : My brother had committed suicide. We treated his death with a great sense of aw.
(All gathered before Kurn's body)
All : (Tsking) Awwwwwwwww...
Worf : Gul Dukat's half-Bajoran daughter Ziyal, whose brief appearances were too silly to parody here, led the invocation.
(Apologies to Seema :)
Ziyal : To Everything, Kurn, Kurn, Kurn, Kurn, Kurn.
(Kurn appears as a ghastly specter; Kills her)
Sisko : Was-that a ya know, Candyman, reference?
Bashir : No, I think it was a 'Turtles' reference.
Garak : Well, you know she'd rather been with me.
Kira : She was with you. And half the sentients on this station, depending upon whose fic you read.
Jake : Ah, that's typical with short-timers. They do the same thing to Doug Ramsey in the X-fics.
Nog : Like Colossus wouldn't pound him for bopping Kitty or Illyana.
Miles : Feel very, very sad if you understand all those references, folks. Very Sad.
Worf : Doctor Bashir then pronounced 'cause of death.
(Bashir zips up body; Tosses her out of airlock; Spits)
Bashir : Yes-its 'cause of death. Its always because of death.
Worf : Then, my son returned.
(Teenaged Alex waves; Is shot down in crossfire)
Worf : That young man who was my son but who looked so little like him is dead!
Bashir : What's more-both Sloane and Eddington were the ones firing, and they were killed as well!
Keiko : Boy, isn't it great how quickly we're getting the sidebar deaths out of the way?
Jadzia (sulking) : No! And besides, Alexander didn't even die in the series.
Keiko: OH, Please! Even *I* made more appearances than him, and he had Family Ties fic plus the Marrissaverse going for him!
Sisko : But then, the war...
Worf : But then, the war...
Sisko : (Looks at Worf annoyed) ...began to spiral out of...
Worf : ...began to spiral out of...
Sisko : What the helllll are you doing?\
Worf : (Shrugs) Narrating.
Sisko : I'M The Narrator!
Worf : But I thought since ya know, this one is called The Winds Of Worf...
Sisko : Well, you thought wrong.
Worf : (Stalks off) Rasenfrassenschmassen..
Nog : Sir, are we gonna build a phony DS9 and everything, like in the movie?
Sisko : Not ambitious enough, Lieutanant...
(Nog slips him 10 bars of latinum)
Sisko : ...Lieutanant Commander Nog. Instead, we plan to build a dummy Alpha Quadrant! Complete with a phony history.
Jake : Thus explaining 'Enterprise'.
(We see the JemHadar and Cardassian troops wandering through the phony AQ)
Weyoun : Damar-how is it that our forces took only one month to conquer all this territory?
(Damar pushes over cardboard Sisko and Picard)
Damar : Weyoun, these people are all dummies!
Weyoun : You know, Damar, its remarks like that which help start revolts.
(Pushes over cardboard Vic Fontaine)
Damar : What about him?
Weyoun : Duhhhh! He's-a hologram!
(Weyoun walks off; Damar takes a swig; Looks at audience)
Damar : And you people honestly wonder why I drink so much.
(Dukat is screaming)
Dukat : AAAAAGGHHH! My daughter is dead! My daughter is dead!
FFounder : You mean the one you wanted to kill yourself?
(Dukat snaps out of it; Smiles)
Dukat : Oh. Yeah.
(Walks off smiling; FFounder stares)
FFounder : Damar-can I have a hit off that?
First : Now, we will train as though we were actually facing Federation troops.
(Cardies fall down right and left; Jem Hadar fire straight, then into empty air, then recoil and fall themselves)
First : Blessed Founder-Our troops are the Cretans at Sparta.
FFounder : Weyoun, we must hire mercenaries.
Take this down.
(Weyoun fumbles for a PADD)
FFounder : I want Breens, Greens, Fiends, Plebes, Monsters, Munsters, Muenster Cheese, Limberger Cheese, Rush Limberger Cheese, Mister Jinx, Dick Dastardly, Decepticons, Politicans, Musicians, Skeletor, Mumm-Ra, Megalon, Gigan, Trigon, The Villains From The Bionic Six, Cobra, Kobra, Darkseid, Darksiders, Docksiders, Doc Doom, Doc Ock, Legion of Doom-super and wrestling-Saiyens, Saiyajins, Sailor Scouts, ugly louts, Trekkies, Trekkers, Trekkors, B5 fans, people who actually liked Amanda in HL:The Raven, Borg, Bjorn Borg, Ille Nastase, John McEnroe, the Ewings, the Carringtons, the Bradys, The Partridges, the Spanish Inquisition from Python, the Mcfarlane Villains, Spanky McFarlane, the mostly unseen ex-spouses from Judd Hirsch's 'Dear John', Willow after the February sweeps, the psycho-woman from those three eps of 'Wings', AND THE ENTIRE SUPPORTING CAST OF SEINFELD!
Weyoun : Greens...
(Sisko and Worf hide in the background)
Sisko : Its worse than we feared.
Worf : Sir-Elaine's boss is disembarking, along with the original Chris Partridge.
Sisko : Mister Worf-I see our opening.
(Sisko and Worf look around)
Sisko : Worf, find a couple of Ku Klux Klansmen. We'll take their robes and use them as a disguise.
Worf : Impossible, sir. This is the 24th Century. All race hatred among humans is a thing of centuries past.
(On the next set, TOS is filming)
Lincoln : (Sees Uhura) Ah, the charming Negress.
(Uhura pulls back her fist and belts him through the skylight)
Uhura : Care for a follow-up, Mister President? (She looks at Surak)
Surak : Pleaaase don't hurt meeee!
(Back to DS9)
Sisko : Oh, gee. Another joke where a mousy woman punches out a great big man.
Worf : It was funny when Loretta Swit did it. But nowadays, even Calista Flockhart thinks she's Buffy! I mean, Jadzia can punch, but its all about delivery, not-
(Sisko glares)
Sisko : Well, if Rodenberry's rules say we can't use ancient racists, we'll just have to go-even more ancient!
(In the line are Helms/Clinton spinmeister Dick Morris, assorted Gamera villains, the Stunt Scabs from Hal Needham's cartoon, Bebop and Rocksteady from TMNT, The guys who arrange the Toys R Us, Target and Wal-Mart Star Wars exclusives we can never find, Mandark, Mojo Jojo, half-burned Terminators, Dean Jones and Ken Berry, a group of Ferengi all played by Shimerman and Grodenchik, Adam 'They Didn't Even Ask Me' West, and at the head of the line is Hannibal Lecter)
FFounder : Crimes?
Lecter : Eating red meat with a sparkling musketel.
FFounder : How gauche. What have you got in that bag?
Lecter : One of the Ferengi was dessicated. I bought him up for a light snack.
FFounder : And did you bring enough for everyone?
Lecter : Well-noo. I'm not what you call a sharer.
(She morphs into Ghidorah; Eats him whole; Morphs back)
FFounder : Next!
(Worf peers out)
Worf : Wow, she's really strict.
(Sisko and Worf emerge in Bronze Age Armor and headgear)
FFounder : Crimes?
Sisko : I am Kronos, and this is Silas. We are the Four Horsemen, as seen on Highlander. No band of men has ever been more cruel or more feared.
FFounder : Where are the other two?
(Sisko's eyes dart about; Worf gulps and answers)
Worf : Lecter ate them!
Sisko : He was feeling a mite peckish.
FFounder : Well, what crimes have you comitted lately?
Worf : We wrote an original sci-fi character into an existing universe.
FFounder : That's not much of a crime.
Sisko : His name was-JAR JAR BINKS!
(All the assembled villains scream in terror)
FFounder : Oooh Ick! All right, you're in.
(She drops her pen)
Sisko : Oh, let me get that for you.
(All the villains glare)
Worf : Sir-villains DON'T get people's pens for them!
(Sisko removes his armor; Looks around sheepishly)
Sisko : Now, for my next imitation-Barry Allen!
(They run off)
Worf : Captain, we can stand and die as warriors, or cry out for help like two stereotypes from an early 20th century minstrel show.
(They shake hands; They ball their hands into fists, and look down the mountain path; They see the villains coming)
Both : Hep USSSS! Oh, Lawdy! Heppp USS!
(Defiant beams them up;The villains fail to stop in time; They do a Wile E-type feel with their feet at the empty air,then fall)
(Aboard Defiant)
Dax : Behaving like stereotypes!
Kira : Aren't you ashamed?
(They giggle like Wilma )
Bashir : I say, old beans. Bad sport, that stereotype business.
O'Brien : Luckily, I was already stereotyped, back in BS3.
(Jake and Nog are aboard the Valiant, run by cadets)
Watters : Now, the Dominion mega-ship has weaknesses. Here, it has an unshielded thermal exhaust port. Up here, it has an unshielded phaser bank. On this side, it has an unshielded torpedo bank. And finally, it has an unshielded shield generator. Any questions?
Jake : Does this thing have any shields at all? It sounds almost like a Voyager-Class.
Watters : Nog, get this fuc - (stops, sees a little girl among the cadets) get this stinky traitor out of my sight! His kind just want to chop the bal-(sees little girl again) balloons out of the Federation Day Parade! Sisko, I hope you burn in H-(Sees her again) -Hawaii!
(Looks at his fascist flunkey)
Watters : Why is she even on board? I told Mom I couldn't sit tonight!
Nog : Jake, either we could have a pointless argument that makes me look like a fool, you look like a dupe, and is blatantly derivative of both Wes Crusher's fall from grace and the Bashir/O'Brien argument from that Kitrocel White Cure ep, or...
Jake : ...or we could kick some ass!
(Watters is covering his little sister's ears)
Watters : You're welcome to try!
(Jake and Nog rise up, Matrix-like)
(They spin and spin until all but one fall down from dizziness)
Little Sister : You guys are cool! Not like my asshole big brother! What a fascist dickhead!
Nog : She was also the little girl in 'Me, Myself, and Irene', folks.
Jake : BTW, Jim Carrey? My DAD does a better Shatner than you. Nyaahhh!
(Back at DS9)
Sisko : How stands our war with the Dominion?
O'Brien : We took back Betazed.
Sisko : How'd that happen?
BETAZED
(Weyoun, with tears in his eyes, pleads before Lxwana Troi)
Weyoun : Madam, Please! Its NOT Mister Weyfouni!
Sisko : What else?
Bashir : We stole all their Kitrocel White. Now, the Jem'Hadar will be in bad shape.
GAMMA QUADRANT
First : (on the phone) Yes, I said 10,000 pizzas, 6000 orders of cheesy bread, and all the buffalo wings you can muster. We have MAJOR munchies going on, here.
Kira : We've eliminated all their capital ships, all their weapons depots, and have spies watching their every move.
(In Dominion space, a suspicious looking Vorta moves about)
FFounder : Say, are you really a Vorta?
Insp. Clouseau : I am indeed, Sacre' Founderette! Now, I am seeking a mad Federachion Boomer!
(Falls off a cliff)
FFounder : That line of Vorta sure is clumsy.
Odo : We've made contact with Damar, whose thinking of defecting. We gave him a little incentive.
Damar : (Opens package) Peppermint Schnaps? The label says-'So Good, It Got Me To Do The Fan Dance Scene In Star Trek Five-Nichelle Nichols' Hmmmm...
(Five hours later)
Damar : Dose Feddy guys is my very bestets buddie-pallies there ever was!
Dax : We banished Dukat to a hellish series of Crossover Fics.
MST3K Gang : (From the brig) There's another kind?
(Dukat sees Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer)
Rud : You shouldn't say those kinds of things about Santa, Mister! He loves me.
Voice : No, Rudolph. He merely uses you, as humans use our kind-when they are not killing us for being freaks in their eyes!
Rud : Who are you?
(Dukat gasps as a man in red armor floats down)
Mag : I am Erik Magnus Lehnsehr. But men call me-Magneto!
(Magneto spins)
Mag : I'm Mister Magnetism-I'm Mister War; I'm Mister Mutant Rulership-I'm Mister No CoExist-They Call Me Magneto, Whatever I touch-
(Dukat runs off)
Dukat : I have to get away! Nooo!
(Sees two very different teenaged girls)
Sailor Moon : But you have to wear this kind of skirt at our school!
Daria Morgendorfer : Forget it. I am not wearing a skirt that provides more access than I will likely allow to the boy I have my first time with.
(Dukat begins to panic; Sees a spaceship)
Dukat : I'm saved!
(The spaceship crushes a house beneath it)
Spike : Hey, we crashed The Bebop into another house. There goes the last of the bounty.
(The Bebop flies off)
Dukat : No, come back!
(Ray Barone of 'Everybody Loves Raymond' comes out from across the street)
Ray : Hey. Were my parents in there?
Dukat : I'm afraid they were. I saw them die.
Ray : (Smiles; Shouts back to his home) Debbie, honey? Guesssss What?
Dukat : Could it get any worse?
(Ghidorah flies overhead with a dog in his mouth)
Courage : This shouldn't happen to a Dukat!
Sisko : Then-we've all but won.
O'Brien : Fraid not, sir. The Federation is six months from total defeat.
Sisko : Damn, I knew it! Well, we'll just have to pull things out somehow next time, in our grand finale-
BLAZING STARSHIPS 2! - CLEAN UP WHAT YOU LEFT BEHIND!
Kira : I'm looking forward to it.
Jadzia : I'm not.
Quark : (Bursts in) Is there any time for another episode of 'Those Wacky Ferengi'?
THE END...FOR NOW
Quark : I'll take that as a 'No'.