Chapter Text
Tommy was not paid enough for this shit. He took in a deep breath because he was a big man and he knew how to fucking regulate his emotions… He was going to smash his head into the wall if this damn machine didn’t stop it’s fucking beeping in the next five seconds. He counted down in his head as he let out a long breath.
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two—
The loud beeping noise abruptly stopped and the coffee machine grumbled to life, pouring coffee out a little too happily for Tommy’s taste. Coffee that was now spilling out all over it and onto the floor because, shit Tommy had not placed a cup underneath it. He didn’t expect this thing to actually work.
Tommy scrambled to find a cup, grabbing the nearest one and shoving it under the stream of coffee. Just as he did, the coffee machine coughed and sputtered before erupting in a dramatic burst of smoke.
“Oh, fuck you!” he coughed through the smoke, waving it away and completely accidentally smacking the waste-of-space piece of garbage machine as he did.
It gave a single strident beep.
Tommy looked down at the spilled coffee that was slowly spreading towards his shoes. “Same.”
Needless to say, he was all too happy when the clock struck 9:00, marking the end of his shift.
It took him forty-five more minutes to close after that most of which was spent looking for a mop because who the fuck left the mop in the refrigerator? He needed to have some words with certain people, that is to say a certain incompetent bald bitch ass coworker. Regardless, this meant that Tommy was walking home at an absolutely ungodly hour of the night through his sketchy fucking neighborhood, ducking quickly past the shadier alleyways. Thankfully, the night was quiet and Tommy made it back to his apartment with no more than a rat scurrying past him.
His apartment building was… lackluster. Or, fine, it was total dump, completely decrepit and falling apart like a damn patchwork quilt at the seams. He was pretty sure the state of the place violated at least seventeen health-and-safety regulations, but hey, rent was cheap and the heater worked most of the time so who was he to complain really.
He pressed the top button in the elevator and it rattled its way up to the tenth floor, shaking him around like it was its own little earthquake. This was the only elevator where handrails made perfect sense to have. The elevator slowed to a stop and dinged pleasantly, the door sliding open about halfway before getting jammed. Tommy released his deathgrip on the railing and kicked it the rest of the way open, muttering curses under his breath.
Finally, ready to reheat some soup and then crash for the night, he made it to his door.
Tommy twisted his keys in the lock and pushed it open.
As he stepped inside, letting the door gently click shut behind him, his hair stood on end. Not in a creepy ‘I’m-being-watched-by-the-shadows’ kind of way though. It was more of a ‘just-entered-a-bouncy-castle-and-the-static-is-crazy’ type of deal.
Oh and there was a boy standing in his apartment. Tommy blinked. The boy blinked back.
He was blond, about Tommy’s age and wearing a hoodie the most affrontingly intense shade of purple he had ever seen. He stood frozen on top of one of Tommy’s kitchen chairs, arms still outstretched for the top shelves of his living room storage.
“What the fuck are you doing in my house?”
Purple Fuck slowly lowered his arms and slouched as casually as one could while standing on top of a chair. “Uhh, home intrusion?”
“Home intru— get down from there you bitch. You can’t just intrude random people’s homes!”
Purple Fuck hopped down from his perch, to his credit looking a little sheepish, and Tommy was immensely pleased to find that he was taller than him by a centimeter or two.
“How the fuck did you even get in here?”
“Your window was unlocked.”
“This is the tenth floor.”
“Yeah…?”
“…You know what I don’t even care, just get out.”
The boy shrugged, like Tommy was the one being dramatic. “Alright, fine.”
He walked over to Tommy’s window—likely the one he had climbed through in the first place, sliding it open and passed a leg over the edge.
“Woah, woah, what the fuck are you doing?” Tommy yelled, a little panicked.
The boy blinked at him. “Getting out…? Like you told me to do?”
“This is the tenth floor.”
“Yeah…?”
“You know I have a fucking door right? And a perfectly good manky flight of stairs you can take.” He gesticulated wildly to the door, “Why did you scale ten floors of a building just to rob some broke east end kid, man, what the fuck?”
Purple Fuck shrugged. “People who live on higher floors tend not to lock their windows,” he said as if this explained anything at all.
“Get back in here,” Tommy hissed.
“Alright, jeez, make up your mind.” Purple Fuck passed his leg back inside, opting instead to lean against the window frame.
“And close the window, you’re not the one paying for the heating.”
He did so and then turned back, the two facing each other for a very long, very awkward second. Purple Fuck shifted on his feet as he seemed to realize for the first time that he was standing in front of the guy he just tried to rob unsuccessfully. Fucking L.
Tommy sighed, reached behind the TV and flicked on the lights, the room suddenly bathed in a nice glow.
“Ow, my eyes,” Purple Fuck complained, shielding his face dramatically.
“You didn’t turn on the lights before?” Tommy asked skeptically. The more he talked to this guy, the more he was convinced he was the most incompetent criminal in L’Manburg.
“Well, no, I was being stealthy, obviously.”
Tommy crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow at him. “You couldn’t find the light switch, could you?”
Purple Fuck threw his arms up. “The only one I could find was the one by the door and that turns on the bathroom, for prime sake! What kind of whackass apartment is this, seriously?”
“Yeah, you’re telling me,” he smirked. “And there’s a light switch in the bathroom but that one only turns the lights off.”
Purple Fuck gasped, horrified.
“The bedroom switch is at the back of a closet.”
He clutched his chest. “No.”
“The kitchen switch is just above the baseboard. Behind the door.”
“This apartment is a nightmare.”
“Agreed.” Tommy let his smile drop and crossed his arms. “Now get the fuck out of my house.”
“Awww,” Purple Fuck protested, “but we were bonding! Over your awful apartment light system!”
Tommy pinch the bridge of his nose and took a breath that came out about as exasperated as he felt. He needed some soup.
“Who are you anyway?” he asked making his way to the fridge. Damn, he had finished his leftover chicken noodle soup last night.
“Purpled.”
Tommy snorted so hard he almost choked. “What kind of name is Purp— wait, Purpled the vigilante?”
A delighted smile broke out on Purple Fu— ahem, Purpled’s face. “You actually know me?” he asked sounding far, far too excited for someone who, again, had just broken into his home. “Wow, my first fan! I’m going to call my mom, she’s going to be so proud!”
“Wait, wait, aren’t you supposed to keep your secret identity… you know, secret?” Tommy stared at Purpled’s distinctly uncovered face.
There was a long tense pause.
Then Purpled shrugged. “Well, yeah, but it doesn’t help when certain someones come barging in through the door without even knocking.”
“It’s my apartment,” Tommy said, gaping, “Why the fuck would I knock?”
“Besides,” he continued, unaffected, “you won’t snitch, we’re tight now.”
Tommy shook his head, bemused, then frowned. “Wait why the actual fuck are you robbing my apartment then, man? Aren’t you supposed to be fighting crime or some shit?”
“I’m a free spirit,” he said, “And I’m not robbing you, I just needed to find—” he cut himself off abruptly, his mouth clicking shut and he suddenly looked a lot more ‘panicked and caught red-handed’ than he had this entire conversation. “Actually, nevermind I’m robbing you.”
Tommy rolled his eyes. “You’re not a good robber or a good liar I see. Why are you in my house?”
“No, no, I’m definitely robbing you, I just needed—” His eyes darted around the room, landing on the cluttered mess that was his coffee table. “Uhh, this thing,” he said and snatched up a crudely carved wooden figurine of a bulbous mushroom-like thing.
“Right,” Tommy deadpanned.
“Yep, just desperately needed something just like this to spruce up my apartment, you know. Anyway, whew look at the time I better be going,” he said edging backwards towards the window.
“Hey, where the fuck do you think you’re going with that—”
“Wouldn’t want to overstay my welcome or anything so I’m just going to—” Purpled threw the window open and vaulted out of it. Tommy charged after him but by the time he was leaning over the window sill, Purpled was gone and there was no sign of him anywhere.
“That’s mine, you fuck! Get back here!” he yelled out anyway. “Purpled, you bastard, I’m getting that back, bitch!”
The distant bustle of the city was his only answer. Tommy closed the window with an irritated huff. He put tomato soup on the stove.