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“Honey, I’m home!” Jared shouts as he bursts through the door, laughing as he’s immediately attacked by the dogs. “Hi guys! Miss me?”
Jensen smiles, watching as Jared hugs them and scratches behind their ears and lets them both lick his face. He loves how much Jared loves his dogs. It’s one of the best things about him.
“What about him?” Jared asks Sadie, nodding his head in Jensen’s direction. “Think he missed me as much as you did?”
“Oh, did you go somewhere?” Jensen asks, feigning ignorance, and Jared sticks his tongue out at him.
“What a douche,” he says, still talking directly to Sadie even though she’s not paying attention to him. “Don’t even know why I like him.”
“Same reason everyone else does. ’Cause I’m awesome in the sack.”
Jared looks up and raises an eyebrow. “Who the hell is everyone? You been turnin’ tricks in Chinatown again? Jen, we talked about this.”
Jensen snickers and glances at his watch. “Two minutes. You’ve been home two minutes and you’re already calling me a hooker. Nice.”
Jared laughs, bright and happy, and then he stands up and walks over to Jensen. “I’m the only one who gets it for free, though, right?” he asks, sliding his arms around Jensen’s waist.
“Such a hopeless romantic,” Jensen teases. Jared leans down, but Jensen brings his hand up quickly and covers Jared’s mouth with it before it can connect with his own. “Man, I love you, but Harley licks his own asshole and he just had his tongue practically in your mouth. Go wash off the dog slobber first.”
“I thought you liked the taste of asshole,” Jared says, his words muffled against Jensen’s hand and a mischievous glint in his eyes.
“Dude! Gross!” Jensen groans, and Jared cackles and stumbles off into the bathroom.
Jensen rolls his eyes, heading back into the kitchen and cleaning up from the lunch he’d been eating before Jared got home from his trip to L.A. Jared runs in after a minute, skidding in his socks on the tile floor and crashing into Jensen’s back hard enough to almost knock the wind out of him. He wraps his arms around Jensen again and hugs him tight.
“Ow,” Jensen comments dryly, but he turns around anyway and lets Jared swoop down and kiss him.
“I missed you,” Jared murmurs.
Jensen slides his hands into Jared’s hair, angling his head to deepen the kiss, and he feels whole again for the first time since Jared left five days ago. “I missed you too. It’s too quiet in here without you.”
“What did you get up to?” Jared asks, pulling Jensen back against his chest and resting his chin on the top of Jensen’s head.
“Nothin’ really.” Jensen kisses Jared’s chest and slips his hands under the back of Jared’s shirt to feel the warm skin on his back.
“Just sat around pining for me?”
“Something like that.”
“Loser.”
ldquo;I do, y’know, like, love you, or whatever,” Jensen points out, and then he pinches him, and Jared squirms and then laughs.
“That was beautiful. I, like, love you, or whatever, too.”
____
“Man, I hate Two And A Half Men,” Jared complains, clicking the power button on the remote and then tossing it onto the coffee table once the TV screen fades to black. “Stupidest show ever.”
“Then why were you watching it?” Jensen asks, walking into the living room and joining Jared on the couch.
“It was either that or Survivor.”
Jensen wrinkles his nose up. “Equally stupid.”
“You see my problem.”
“I do. I mean, I guess we could have sex,” Jensen suggests, sighing and pretending to be annoyed about it. “It has been almost a week, and parts of me definitely missed you more than others.”
Jared smiles, but it doesn’t quite make it to his eyes. “Yeah. For sure. Just, uh … before we do that. There’s something I have to tell you. Or, ask you, I guess. Or both.”
Jensen frowns. “Okay.”
“It’s … um. It’s kinda big. But just – before I ask you, you have to remember that I love you, okay?” Jared looks over at Jensen, his eyes wide and concerned. “This doesn’t change anything between us, I still love you more than anything and I always will and that’s the most important thing, here.”
“Okay, now you’re starting to freak me out,” Jensen says warily.
“I …” Jared pauses for a moment, like he’s trying to figure out how to word what he wants to say. “Okay, so, I’m so happy that Supernatural is still going. I love being on it, and this season is gonna be so good and I’m so excited for everyone to see it. But it’s … I mean, it’s great that we’re still on the air, but nobody expected us to go this long. You know that. We air at nine o’clock on Fridays, everyone knows that’s where shows go to die. No one expected us to actually do well there, but we are, and that’s awesome, but it also means we’re stuck having to hide us for longer than any of us thought.”
“Okay.” Jensen waits nervously for Jared to continue, and when he doesn’t, Jensen adds, “And?”
“And Gen and I were talking yesterday.”
“About what?”
“About how she loves us and she’s still completely on board with everything, but she …”
“She what, Jared?” Jensen asks impatiently, really not liking the tentative look on Jared’s face.
“She wants to have a baby. She wants to be a mom.”
Jensen frowns again. He feels sorry for her, he really does, but he doesn’t quite see how that affects him if she’s not backing out of their deal. “Alright …”
“And, um. She wants me to be the father.”
For a few seconds, Jensen is convinced he heard Jared wrong. Because that doesn’t make any sense. His marriage to Genevieve isn’t real, it’s just part of their whole arrangement like Jensen’s is to Danneel, so what Jared’s saying doesn’t add up. But the look on Jared’s face says he isn’t joking, or lying, or anything else Jensen might dare to hope for, and when he realizes that, his heart stops.
“She … what’re you talking about?” he asks, desperately hoping Jared will jump up and laugh and say he was kidding.
“She asked me to have a baby with her. She wants – I mean, it would all be clinical. We’re not gonna have sex or anything. I’d jerk off into a cup and then a doctor would do … whatever it is they do. I don’t know that much about it. But it would all be … I don’t know, professional. Or whatever.”
Jensen gapes at him. “I … I don’t … this doesn’t make any sense. Why would she …? I mean, why doesn’t she just go to a sperm-bank or something?”
“Because she doesn’t want to,” Jared says, like that’s a good answer. “I know this is a lot, but it could be a really good thing, you know?”
“Wait, did you say yes?” Jensen asks, his heart skipping another few beats; his stomach twisting into knots at the idea of Jared already having committed to this … this crazy, awful, stupid idea.
“No, I – ” Jared begins, but Jensen gets up off the couch and doesn’t let him finish.
“Have you completely lost your mind? This is insane! Tell me you’re not actually considering doing it.”
“Of course I am,” Jared answers, his eyebrows stitched together in confusion. “Wait, are you mad at me?”
“Do you really want this with me, Jared? Is this real for you like it is for me?” Jensen asks, ignoring Jared’s question. It makes his chest hurt to think Jared’s answer might be no.
“What does that mean?” Jared asks, a defensive note in his voice.
“It means you’re talking about having a baby with someone else! Do you get how huge that is?”
“Yeah, I do. And that’s why I said I’d talk to you about it before I made a decision. I haven’t given her an answer yet, Jensen. This is a decision I want us to make together.”
Jensen shakes his head helplessly. He doesn’t know how to respond to anything that’s happening right now. All he knows is that this is really, really bad. “Are you gay?”
Jared falters. “What?”
“You heard me.”
“Yeah, I did.” Jared stands up and crosses his arms. “I just don’t get why you’re asking me that.”
“Because it’s important! I know when we got together we didn’t bother with labels or thinking too much about what it meant because it was just us, it just felt right so we dove in. But I am, Jared. At least a little bit. I mean, yeah, I still like girls enough to be with one if I had to, but I don’t want to. I wanna be with you, for the rest of my life. And if that isn’t what you want, then we’ve got much bigger problems than Gen wanting your freakin’ sperm!”
“Okay, whoa! Back up for a second. I – I’m not –” Jared sighs in frustration and runs a hand over his face. “I don’t know what I am, okay? That’s the truth. Yeah, I like girls. Whenever I see someone on the street I think is hot, it’s always a girl. When I watch porn, it’s the girls I’m looking at. When I fantasize about being with someone famous it’s, like, Scarlet Johansson or that – what’s her name – that Victoria’s Secret model I like. So yeah, I’m into women. But when I want anything real, sex or a hug when I’m sad or someone to cuddle with while we watch a movie, someone to share my life with, it’s you. It’s always you, and I know that doesn’t make any sense if I’m not gay, but it … I don’t know. I don’t know how to explain it, I just know what I feel and I know that I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you and I never will. Ever.”
“You’ve always wanted kids,” Jensen says softly. His heart is still beating uncomfortably fast behind his ribcage.
“So what?”
“So what?” Jensen repeats incredulously. “Do you really not see what this is? Now you love me, because everything’s exactly like it’s always been with us. What about after the baby comes? You really think that isn’t going to change things? What if you have this baby with her, with the kind of pretty little girl-next-door that you always thought you’d end up with, and then you realize that’s what you really want, and I’m not?”
“Why would you think that’ll happen?” Jared asks, his eyes wide like he really doesn’t get it, and that just makes Jensen even angrier.
“Because it could!” he cries. “This isn’t just about her wanting to be a mom, this is about her giving you something that I never can, Jared! You and me together is amazing, it’s everything I ever wanted, but it isn’t everything you ever wanted and the things that are missing are things that will always be missing because I’m not a girl! The life you’ll have with me won’t ever be the same as the life you could have with someone like her, and maybe all it’ll take is a taste of how things could be for you to realize this isn’t what you want anymore!”
“You will always be what I want!” Jared insists, but Jensen doesn’t believe him. He wishes he could, but he doesn’t.
“You can’t promise that.”
“Of course I can.”
“No, you can’t!”
Jared just stares at him for a moment, his eyes shiny and his forehead twisted into a deep frown. Jensen doesn’t know what to say, or even what to think. All he knows is that he loves what he has with Jared and he never wants it to change, and the idea of something like this coming between them is terrifying. Jensen isn’t actually angry about this, he’s scared, but he doesn’t know how to tell Jared that.
“Don’t you think she deserves this? After everything she’s done for us?” Jared says quietly. “Don’t get me wrong, Danneel is great, but the two of you … I mean, you haven’t exactly committed to this whole thing like Gen and I have.”
“What does that mean?” Jensen asks, instantly defensive even though deep down he knows Jared’s right.
“It means you and Danneel are almost never together, publicly or otherwise. You bring her to the occasional red-carpet thing, when it’s good for her image to be seen with you, and that’s it! Gen and I do stuff together all the time. We go out, I tweet pictures of us in joint Halloween costumes, we let ourselves be seen having dinner with her parents. She’s worked her ass off the last few years to make us look like a real couple, she’s completely put her life and her career on hold to keep up this whole stupid charade. Genevieve has been the glue that’s held everything together and you know that. And now she’s asking for something in return, something that she could’ve had already if it wasn’t for us, and you’re saying no?”
“No, I’m not saying no, I just …” Jensen sighs harshly, frustration and confusion overwhelming him and making his chest tight with emotions he doesn’t completely understand. “I’m not saying no. I just need some time to think about this, okay?”
“What is there to think about?” Jared’s eyes have hardened and his voice has an angry edge to it.
“You know, the fact that you don’t know the answer to that question is really, really goddamn scary. I get that Genevieve has sacrificed for us, I do. And I’m grateful, you have no idea how grateful. But choosing to have a child with somebody isn’t like choosing which kind of pizza to order! This is an enormous decision! Were you really gonna do it, just like that? You were gonna become a father without even giving it a second thought?”
“It wouldn’t be my kid! I mean, it would be, but not really!” Jared protests. “She wants this baby, she just wants me to be the father because she already knows me and it’s better than going to some shady sperm-bank where she’d have no idea who the guy was!”
“In case you’ve forgotten, you are married to the person you’re talking about making a baby with, you moron,” Jensen snaps unkindly. “The fact that the marriage is for show doesn’t make it any less real! It would be your kid, it would be yours and it would be your responsibility for the rest of your life and it’s really worrying me that you don’t seem to understand that! This would change everything, do you get that? Everything that we have, everything that all four of us have worked for, would be completely different if you do this.”
“This isn’t about us, Jensen! God, I can’t believe how selfish you’re being! This is about giving Genevieve something she really wants in exchange for all the things she’s given us!”
“I … I know that,” Jensen says, as patiently as he possibly can. “And I’m still not saying no. I’m just saying we need to take a minute and marinate in this before we make a decision. What happens when the show ends, huh? Have you even thought about that? The plan was always to just get quiet, simple divorces and then you and me could be together. Having a kid in the picture complicates that!”
“It would be her kid,” Jared says again. “I mean, yeah, I’ll always be in their lives, but there won’t be any custody battles or anything like that because everyone’s going to understand the arrangement going in.”
“What about me?” Jensen asks, shaking his head a little. “Maybe it is selfish, and I’m sorry if it is, but I’m your boyfriend, Jared. I’m the guy who loves you, who’s been with you for years, and you’re talking about starting a family with someone else. How am I supposed to feel about that? I deserve to know where’d I’d fit into all this.”
Jared frowns; that sweet, concerned look overtaking his features, and then he walks over to Jensen and slides his palms up Jensen’s arms. “You fit right here, right next to me. Like you always have. You can be Uncle Jensen! Don’t you think that could be kind of great?”
“What if I don’t want to be Uncle Jensen?”
“You already are.”
“Yeah, to my actual nephews!” Jensen says angrily, pulling away from Jared’s touch. “It would be completely different being an uncle to the kid the love of my friggin’ life has with a person who isn’t me!”
Jared frowns and squints at Jensen like he’s trying to see something important in Jensen’s face. “Do you want to have a kid with me?”
Jensen glares. “It doesn’t matter, we can’t.”
“You know what I mean. There are ways, Jensen, if that’s what you wanted. I didn’t think it was.”
“I don’t know!” Jensen growls. “I’d never really thought about it, I mean, once you and I got together I kind of just accepted that it was something that wouldn’t ever happen! But whether I want to or not isn’t the point! The point is you’re totally taking the option away from us by doing this with her!”
“Is this about her?” Jared asks slowly. “Do you have a problem with her or something?”
“No, of course I don’t,” Jensen answers, but Jared ignores him and continues.
“‘Cause I ran it by you before I asked her to be in this thing with us, you said you liked her. If you didn’t you should have said something back then.”
“I do like her, this has nothing to do with her!” Jensen insists angrily, although in his own mind he’s half-aware that that might not be completely true. “This is about you and me, about the fact that you don’t seem to understand why I’m not immediately jumping on board with this!”
“Yeah, you’re right, I don’t.”
“Well you should!” Jensen paces away from him, clenching his fists at his sides and trying and failing to keep his temper in check. “Imagine if you were still with Sandy, and she came to you one day and said ‘Hey, Jared, I’ve decided I wanna have a baby but I want someone else to be the father.’ How the hell would you feel?!”
“That’s not even close to the same thing,” Jared snaps.
“It’s exactly the same thing!” Jensen fires back.
For a long time, Jared just looks at him. Jensen’s skin crawls under his powerful stare, his normally kind, hazel eyes dark and intense and full of emotions that Jensen can’t quite make out. The only one he knows for sure is there is disappointment, and it kills him. He wants more than anything to just do whatever it takes to make Jared look at him the way he usually does; that soft gaze that’s full of adoration and pride and love, but Jensen knows he can’t. Because what Jared wants, Jensen can’t give him.
“I really didn’t expect you to have a problem with this,” Jared says quietly, and Jensen’s chest aches as his heart flutters in the worst way possible.
“I don’t know what you want me to say,” is all he can manage to get out, through tight lips and a clenched jaw. “Maybe I should sleep in my old room tonight.”
For just a second, a flicker of sheer hurt passes over Jared’s features. But then it’s replaced quickly by anger, and he grumbles, “Yeah, maybe you should,” before he turns and walks out the front door, slamming it behind him so hard the whole house shakes.
____
Jensen barely sees Jared, outside of work, for over a week. Jared makes excuses – a meeting with his agent, an old friend in town, randomly deciding to fix the broken plumbing in his trailer by himself even though there’s always a maintenance team on set to handle that sort of thing – but Jensen isn’t fooled. Jared’s avoiding him. Jensen even suspects Jared purposely busted the pipes under the sink in his trailer just to have an excuse to spend Saturday afternoon out of the house. And Jensen can’t exactly say he blames him for it. There is nothing he wants more than for this to all be over so things with Jared can go back to normal, but until it does, Jensen isn’t thrilled about the thought of being in the same room as his boyfriend either. He’s the one who’s been sleeping in their guestroom all week anyway, so they’re sort of even on that front. Talking this out would be the more mature way to handle it, but Jensen doesn’t have the first clue what he’d say. So he settles for joining Jared in trying to spend as little time together as possible.
He isn’t mad at Jared. Not really, anyway. He’s just … confused. And upset and unsure and pissed off because he’s upset and unsure. Sometimes he wishes decisions like this could just be easy for him like they are for Jared. Jared never gives anything a second thought; he just dives head first into everything he decides he wants to do. He’s braver than Jensen is, and Jensen wonders sometimes if Jared’s even capable of feeling things like uncertainty or regret. And then, other times, Jensen’s really irritated with him for all that. Jared never stops to consider the possibility that everything could go wrong. Annoyingly, for the most part nothing ever does go wrong for Jared. He’s got a stupid amount of good luck, which probably contributes to him never thinking anything through before he’s neck-deep in it. But Jensen isn’t like that. He’s so hyper aware, in every aspect of his life, of the consequences and the what-ifs. It drags him down sometimes, stops him from taking risks, but it also keeps him safe. In a perfect world, the two of them would be able to meet somewhere in the middle and make up for each other’s short-comings, and usually it does work that way, but not this time.
As much as everything is still jumbled up in his head, Jensen doesn’t really believe he’ll ever find a way to be okay with this. He loves Jared so much, with his whole heart and soul, and the thought of Jared creating a human life with someone who isn’t Jensen makes his heart feel like it’s being crushed. He knows it doesn’t make a lot of sense. He and Jared can’t have a baby together, not the real way, anyway. And even if they were ever to decide on having one through any kind of non-traditional method, at some point during the process there would have to be a woman in the picture. But somehow, that doesn’t feel the same. Jensen doesn’t know why. Maybe because he’s always secretly suspected Jared feels more for Genevieve than he lets on. Jensen knows for sure Gen was interested in Jared before she knew he was with Jensen, and as much as Jared’s always denied it, Jensen’s never quite believed Jared didn’t feel the same way about her. She’s exactly his type, and so similar to the fiancé Jared lost it’s unnerving – petite, brunette, strong-willed, pretty but in a subtle way – which is sort of the complete opposite of Jensen in ways that are more substantial than body parts, and Jensen would be lying if he said he never worries that one day Jared will get tired of playing house with him and end up with her. The truth is, it’s a thought that’s kind of always nagging in the back of Jensen’s mind, and he’s so, so scared that having a baby with her will be the thing that tips Jared over that edge, and then Jensen will lose him forever.
He couldn’t handle that. He’s spent so long being so tangled up with Jared, so many years with Jared as the single most important point on Jensen’s compass, even back when they were just friends, that Jensen almost doesn’t know who he is anymore without Jared. He’s become a permanent fixture in Jensen’s reality, like growing an extra arm. When Jensen is happy, the only person he wants to be around is Jared. When he has a funny story to share, Jared’s who he wants to tell it to. When he’s in a bad mood, Jared’s the only one who can truly make him smile again. Jensen wouldn’t know how to function without him.
The worst part is, usually this is the kind of thing Jensen would talk to Jared about. Jared has a way of putting things in perspective, of navigating Jensen’s crazy brain when it’s going in circles like it is now. Jared is the only person on the planet Jensen’s ever really felt like he can say anything to. He protects Jensen in so many ways, and it’s stupid that Jensen’s over thirty and still needs to be protected by anyone, but sometimes he does. Even little things, like Jared squeezing his hand before they go on stage at a convention, are enough to make Jensen feel solid again. Jared is more than just his boyfriend, he’s his best friend. The only person Jensen’s ever felt safe enough with to completely be himself around. He needs Jared to make this better for him, but Jared can’t because this time Jared is the problem.
All in all, it’s a miserable week. Jensen is stuck halfway between missing Jared and being glad that he’s gone, and he doesn’t really know how he feels about any of it. It’s confusing and maddening and just plain sucky, and Jensen hates it. He hates that everything is so messed up, and he hates that he doesn’t know how to fix it.
Danneel calls on Friday; Jensen doesn’t answer and then she leaves him another four voicemails before he finally calls her back on Monday morning from his trailer. The last message was nothing but her shouting his full name at the top of her lungs, so he steels himself for the possibility that she’s mad at him about something. Or, she’s just being weird. Jensen loves her, but she’s kind of a psycho sometimes. More so than most girls.
“The house burned down,” she says instead of ‘hello’ when she picks up the phone.
Jensen’s whole body tenses up instantly. “What?!”
“I’m kidding.”
For a moment, Jensen just opens and closes his mouth helplessly, his face morphing into a what-the-hell expression even though there’s no one around to see it. “How is that funny?” he demands eventually, when he can get his vocal chords to work again.
“I didn’t say it was funny,” she deadpans. “Why didn’t you call me back?”
“Because I was busy!”
“For three days?”
“It was only two, and yes. What do you want?”
“The house could have burned down, you know,” she says sullenly, ignoring his question. “Icarus and I could be dead right now and you’d never know since you were too busy to answer your damn phone.”
Jensen’s face gets caught halfway between smiling and rolling his eyes. It feels weird. “How would you be calling if you were dead?”
“From beyond the grave, obviously!” she cries, with a ghostly “whoooo!” for effect, and Jensen cracks up.
“You should be locked up.”
“I’m too pretty for jail,” she returns. “For the record, so are you.”
Jensen snorts. “Thanks. Now seriously, what do you want?”
“Nothing. I called because I hadn’t talked to you in a while. Then I was just pissed ‘cause you ignored me.”
“All totally valid reasons to tell me the house burned down.”
“Right? So what’s up?”
Jensen sighs, unsure about whether or not he should tell Danneel everything that’s going on. She’s good to talk to about things like this sometimes, because she says exactly what’s on her mind and doesn’t beat around the bush about it, but somehow Jensen feels like telling her would make everything real in a way he’s not ready to deal with. Mostly because he’s a little bit worried Danneel won’t take his side. Not that he even really knows for sure what his side is.
“Ackles!” she snaps, when he takes too long to answer.
“Sorry. I … uh. Things’ve been weird lately, that’s all.”
“Why?”
“Because Genevieve wants a baby,” Jensen says, forcing himself to push the words out in a rush before he second-guesses himself, “and she wants Jared to be the father, and Jared’s all into it and I think he’s retarded. And we fought about it, and now he won’t talk to me.”
For a few seconds, there’s silence on the other end of the line, and then Danneel blows out a heavy breath that sends static over the connection. “Fuck.”
“Yeah,” Jensen agrees.
“I was expecting you to say, like, Jared’s taken to wearing clown-wigs in bed or something.”
Jensen can’t help the laugh that bubbles up out of his chest. “That would be weird.”
“Is he gonna do it?”
“The clown-wigs?”
“The baby, doofus.”
Jensen rubs his hand over his mouth and sighs again. “I don’t know. He told her he was gonna run it by me first, but I don’t think he was expecting me to think it’s a bad idea.”
“You think he’d do it anyway? Even if you don’t want him to?”
That thought hadn’t actually occurred to Jensen, but now that she said it, something cold and slimy twists around in Jensen’s stomach as he realizes he really doesn’t know the answer to that.
“I’ll take that as a yes,” she says, when he doesn’t answer.
“Am I being the asshole, here?” he asks.
“You told him how you feel. That’s not being an asshole, that’s just being honest.”
“What would you – I mean, it’s crazy, right? It’s not just me?”
“It’s not really my place to say.”
“Oh come on, when have you ever cared about shit like that?”
Jensen can’t see her, but he can picture her twirling a lock of hair through her fingers like she does when she’s unsure about something.
“I can kinda see both sides, I guess. I mean, this thing we’ve all got goin’ on, it’s already complicated as shit. Throwing a kid into the mix would just make that worse.”
“That’s what I said!” Jensen at least feels slightly validated that someone other than him can see that. “And shit, it’s like … I know it’s dumb. But Jared really loves kids. When we first met Misha’s son, fuck, Jared was almost in tears. He’s crazy about them, and I just ….”
“You’re worried if she gives him one, he’ll fall in love with her instead. Because it’s something you can’t do.”
There’s a small part of Jensen that’s freaked out about how well she can read him, but mostly he’s just glad he didn’t have to say all that out loud for her to get it. “Yeah.”
“I’m sorry, sweetie. That’s a really shitty situation. But I know how she feels too,” she continues, apologetically. “We’re chicks, we can’t help it. We’re hard-wired to want babies. She’s probably feeling a little stuck right now, like she’s running the risk of missing her chance to be a mom the longer she stays with Jared.”
“I understand that,” Jensen says honestly. “I just … I don’t know, Danni. This all just feels like too much to me. Like it’s something we all think won’t be a big deal until the kid actually comes and then none of our lives will ever be the same.”
“Maybe that’s not a bad thing, though.”
Jensen has thought of that. He’s been running every possibility through his mind for the last few days, but he still can’t work out how he feels or what he wants or anything. It is definitely possible that this could be good for all of them. Jensen does love his brother’s kids, so having a baby around could end up being really fun. Or, it could end up a complete disaster. The problem is, Jensen has no way of knowing which way things will go. It feels like an enormous risk, and Jensen’s never been very good at taking those.
____
After everything, the last thing Jensen expects to happen on Wednesday night is to answer a knock at the door and find Genevieve standing on the other side. Seriously, he’d probably have been less surprised if she were a dinosaur. Jared’s out of the house – for a legitimate reason this time, they needed him for some re-shoots of a scene Dean isn’t in – and Jensen was expecting to spend the evening sitting on the bed that isn’t his anymore and wallowing in his own angst and self-pity. For the longest time, he stares at her, blinking because his stupidly slow brain can’t work out what it means that she’s here. She never comes to their house in Vancouver – like, ever. Danneel doesn’t either. Jensen and Jared both bought places in L.A. after they got married to be the homes they would share with their wives; the house in Vancouver is supposed to be their home, and Gen and Danni understand that.
“Are you gonna let me in, or …?” Genevieve asks, with a raised eyebrow and a wry smile.
“Oh. Yeah, sorry.” Jensen gives himself a mental shake and steps back to let her inside. She steps past him and shrugs out of her coat, hanging it up on the rack like it belongs there and for some reason, that hits Jensen the wrong way. “Why’re you here?” he asks, a little harsher than is maybe necessary.
She doesn’t react, though. She just bites her lip and crosses her arms over her chest, sighing as she says, “Just thought maybe we should talk.”
It’s maybe the last thing in the world Jensen wants to do right now, but she came all the way here so he can’t exactly tell her that. He moves into the living room instead, dropping himself down onto the couch, and she follows him. For a moment she looks like she’s going to sit beside him, but then thinks the better of it and chooses the chair instead. She perches her small body awkwardly on the edge of it, and Jensen just stares straight ahead with unseeing eyes and waits for her to speak.
“So, I guess you’re not my biggest fan right about now,” she says eventually.
Jensen sighs. “That’s … I mean, it isn’t …”
“Yeah, it is.”
“It’s not you,” Jensen tells her, and it’s at least mostly true. “It’s not as simple as that.”
“I know it isn’t. Nothing ever is.”
Jensen looks up, looks her right in the eyes for the first time since he opened the door, and frowns when he sees how shiny they are.
“I’m really sorry,” she whispers. “I never wanted to cause problems between you and Jared. If I thought it was gonna bother you this much I would never have asked Jared in the first place.”
“I just …” Jensen sighs again, heavier this time, while he grasps for the right words in his head.
“I get it. I really do.” Genevieve smiles tentatively at him, even though her eyes still look sad. “He’s yours. If anyone’s going to have a child with him it should be you.”
Jensen huffs out a humorless laugh. “Except I can’t. We can’t. So it’s stupid that I’m upset about this. Right?”
She shakes her head decisively. “No, it isn’t. I wasn’t thinking about how this would affect you when I brought it up with Jared. I should have been, but I wasn’t. Some woman comes along and wants to make a baby with your man, of course you’d be pissed.”
“You’re not exactly just some woman,” Jensen points out, and she nods and considers him.
“That makes it worse, though, doesn’t it?” she asks thoughtfully, and Jensen gets the uncomfortable, shivery feeling that she can see right through him.
“I wish it didn’t,” he says honestly, that achingly familiar feeling of self-loathing burning bright in his chest.
Gen nods again, and then she doesn’t say anything for a few minutes. She stands up and joins him on the couch, her hand twitching for a moment like she wants to touch him, but then just lets it rest against her thigh.
“Can I tell you something?” Her voice is small and cautious, but still somehow warm, and Jensen nods. “He loves you. He loves you so much. You’re all he ever talks about, Jensen. To the point that it’s annoying, actually. We’ll be out for dinner or something and it’s all ‘Jensen would love this’ or ‘Jensen and I went to a place like this once’ or ‘if Jensen were here, he’d be mad at me for ordering a hamburger at a steakhouse’.”
Jensen chuckles in spite of himself. “I would be.”
Genevieve laughs too, the sound light and airy and it makes something unclench just slightly in Jensen’s chest. “I know. Don’t worry, I called him a redneck enough for both of us. But the point is, he is so completely, head-over-heels crazy about you. Even if we did do this, if I had this baby, that wouldn’t change. It couldn’t. No matter what happens, he isn’t capable of not being in love with you.”
Jensen presses his lips together and nods again, and the knot in his stomach loosens a little further. It’s not as if he doesn’t know Jared loves him, but it’s kind of nice to hear it from someone else. To know that other people can see it too.
“Something happens to a woman when she turns thirty,” Gen continues softly. Jensen glances at her just as she shakes her head and rolls her eyes. “It’s such a ridiculous cliché that I’m almost ashamed of myself for getting sucked into it. But you can’t help it, it’s like you’re not in control of it at all. I’ve never been baby-crazy. I mean, I always thought it’d be great if it happened, but I was never one of those women who need to validate their existence by procreating, you know? I liked myself enough on my own, I never thought I needed a kid to make me feel whole.”
“Yeah.” That’s sort of how Jensen’s always felt about the idea of having kids too.
“But then, you hit thirty, and it’s like all of a sudden your uterus just starts screaming at you. It’s instinct, I guess. And it’s … I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m still in this with you and Jared. I made a commitment to both of you, to stick this out until you don’t need me anymore, and I’m not gonna back out of it. But the problem, shitty as it is, is that I’m on a bit of a deadline.”
“Thirty isn’t as old as you’re making it sound,” Jensen points out. “You’ve got time, Gen. Time to meet someone and get married for real, to do this the right way. With someone who wants to have a family with you.”
She frowns, and her throat clicks quietly around a swallow. There’s a sad, lost look in her eyes again when she says, “Nothing’s ever for sure. The show’s still going strong, who knows, it could run for another five years. And it takes a long time to get a relationship to a place where it becomes permanent. I don’t wanna be one of those parents who’s fifty on their kid’s first day of Kindergarten. Look, I … it’s still your call, okay? I wouldn’t do this if you weren’t alright with it. The last thing I’d ever want to do is come between you and Jared. Like I said, you’re the one he wants to be with. This wouldn’t change that. But just … promise me you’ll think about it?”
Jensen nods. He’s got too many thoughts and emotions swirling around in his brain to work any of them out right now, but he’ll figure them out eventually. Underneath the hurt and the confusion, he does know that Genevieve deserves this. And he’s never been very good at saying no to Jared, anyway. “I will.”
____
Jared knocks on the guestroom door two days later, poking his head in and looking at Jensen without his Sam-skin on for the first time in over a week.
“Hey,” he says softly, and Jensen glances up from his book, his throat tightening as he takes in the familiar face and realizes just how much he’s missed Jared. He’s hated sleeping in this bed alone for so long. Jensen never thought he’d be the kind of person who got so used to sleeping with their partner that he couldn’t sleep if Jared was ever gone, but apparently he is that kind of person. Even though he used to sleep in this room, before he and Jared became whatever it is that they are, the bed has felt cold and unfamiliar and just … not like home. It’s felt like staying at a hotel. Jensen’s missed Jared’s body beside him more than he’d like to admit.
“Hey,” Jensen answers, managing a small smile that Jared instantly returns.
“Can I come in?”
“Yeah.” Jensen sets the book down on the night-table, pulling his glasses off and setting them on top of it and then sitting up.
Jared steps into the room and sits down on the end of Jensen’s bed, folding his hands in his lap and staring at them intently.
“I made spaghetti. There’s some left, if you want.”
“Maybe later. What’s …uh. What’s up?” Jensen asks, cringing internally and hating how awkward this moment is. He and Jared have always been so at ease around each other; Jensen really doesn’t know how to handle it when things are tense like this.
Jared doesn’t answer right away, and then when he does, his voice is quiet and rough. “I owe you an apology.”
Jensen frowns. “For what?”
“You know what. You were right. I wasn’t thinking long-term, and I wasn’t thinking about you. And I should’ve been. I should always put you first, and I didn’t, and I’m really, really sorry.”
“Jared.”
“No, let me finish.” Jared runs a hand through his hair like he does when he’s uncomfortable. “I just … we can be us because of her, you know? It’s because of Genevieve that we’re able to be sitting here right now. We can live here together, I can hold your hand, and kiss you and touch you and love you, because of what she’s done. I love you, Jensen, and it would kill me if we couldn’t be together. And I guess I just saw an opportunity to give something back to her, to repay her for everything, and I wanted to take it. Because I want …”
“What?” Jensen asks gently.
“I care about her. Underneath everything else, she’s my friend. One of my best friends. And I want her … I want her to be able to look back on all this in ten years and feel like it was worth it. I don’t want her to regret ever meeting us. Or to feel like what she did for us was the thing that kept her from getting what she wanted out of life.”
Jared’s words connect with Jensen at a strange angle and leave him feeling sideways, and it just cements in his mind what he’d already decided, less than a minute after Genevieve left.
“But I wasn’t thinking,” Jared continues heavily.
“Yeah, you were, actually,” Jensen says. “Maybe not with your head, but … with your heart. You are such a good person, Jared. You’re so ready and willing to do everything you possibly can to make someone else happy, and that’s a really good quality. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like it isn’t.”
“Except when it’s something crazy. I think you were right on this one, Jen. I just got too excited. You know I do that.”
Jensen smiles. “You are kind of a giant toddler sometimes.”
Jared laughs and shakes his head so his bangs fall into his eyes. “I know. That’s why I need you. You ground me when I’m spinning out of control.”
“And you make me want to believe in taking chances,” Jensen tells him. “You make me want to live in this beautiful place that you think the world is.”
“I do?” Jared looks genuinely surprised, and Jensen wishes he’d been telling Jared that since the day they met.
“Yeah, you do.” He nods his head toward the mattress beside him, and Jared smiles and crawls up the bed. He settles against Jensen’s side, and Jensen wraps his arm around Jared’s broad shoulders and kisses his hair. “I don’t know how to see the world like you do, Jay. I don’t know how to be so optimistic about everything, to just believe that things are going to work out. But I wish I did. And maybe that’s why I need you.”
Jared looks up at Jensen, his eyebrows coming together and wrinkling the skin between them, and there’s a funny expression in his eyes when he slowly says, “Are we doin’ this?”
“You are doin’ this,” Jensen corrects. “But I am behind you a hundred percent. Because I love you. And I will happily be Uncle Jensen. I’m gonna spoil that kid rotten.”
Jared smiles, that thousand-watt smile that’s always been just for Jensen; the one that makes his eyes sparkle and dimples carve deep into his cheeks. “Really? You’re sure about this? ‘Cause I’m not doing anything if you’re not okay with it.”
“Yes, really.” Jensen kisses his nose, and then his lips, smiling himself when Jared presses up into it and slides his hand over Jensen’s hair.
“You’re amazing,” he whispers.
“Hell yeah I am. Also, I’m gonna buy the kid beer well before he or she is eighteen, and you’re just gonna have to deal with it,” Jensen adds, smiling wider when Jared laughs.
“You’ll be the coolest uncle ever.”
“Damn straight. And hey, if Danni ever gets the baby disease – ”
“Then I’ll be the second coolest uncle ever,” Jared interrupts.
Jensen smiles at him again, even though it’s starting to hurt his cheeks and he’s sure he looks like a complete idiot, but he knows Jared won’t care about that. Jared loves him, and Jensen hates that he ever doubted that. He doesn’t even need Jared to say it. He can see in it Jared’s eyes, he can feel it in the way Jared holds him and touches him. Jensen kisses him slowly, softly, and Jared hums into his lips. He slouches down more onto the bed and pulls Jensen down with him, and Jensen happily rolls on top of him and pushes his hips down into Jared’s as they kiss. He’s hard in minutes, rubbing himself into Jared’s thigh, and he can feel Jared’s erection too, pressing into Jensen’s hip. Jared sighs as Jensen grinds into him, his tongue dipping into Jensen’s mouth and his hands roaming up and down Jensen’s back.
Jensen nips at his bottom lip, and then moves over to nip at the skin along Jared’s smooth jawline. He doesn’t do it hard enough to leave marks until he gets to the sensitive spot behind Jared’s ear that will be covered up by his hair when he’s upright. He attaches his lips to it and sucks a few times, loving the way Jared shudders as a result.
“Jensen,” he breathes.
“Missed you so much,” Jensen whispers, dragging his teeth momentarily over Jared’s earlobe and then going back to his lips. He pushes his tongue into Jared’s mouth and slides it along Jared’s, warm and wet and perfect. “We really should’a had sex before we started yelling at each other. ‘Cause now it’s been over two weeks since we’ve done this instead’a just one.”
Jared chuckles richly, digging his fingers into Jensen’s shoulders. “I’ll remember that for next time.”
“No next-times.” Jensen rests his forehead against Jared’s and kisses him one more time. “Hate fighting with you.”
“Me too. Good thing we don’t do it that much.”
“Let’s go upstairs, okay?”
Jared frowns. “Why? We’re already in a bed.”
“I know. It isn’t our bed, though.” Jensen isn’t sure why that’s important to him, but it is. He doesn’t want to spend another second in this bed if he doesn’t have to. Nothing will feel right again until he gets back into their bed, where he belongs.
“Okay.” Jared doesn’t quite sound like he understands, but he can at least tell it’s something that means something to Jensen, so he goes along with it.
It takes them way longer than it should to get up one flight of stairs, because Jared keeps turning around every couple of steps and leaning down and devouring Jensen’s lips in heated kisses. Jensen doesn’t complain. Kissing Jared is one of his favorite things to do, especially when Jared’s as desperate for it as he seems to be right now. Jared’s a passionate person all the time, but when he gets like this, when it’s like he’ll forget how to breath if he doesn’t keep touching Jensen, it makes Jensen feel so god-damn loved it’s almost more than he can handle. He’s never completely felt like he deserves the enormous, all-encompassing love that Jared drowns him in all day long, but he accepts it because it’s a drug he’s been happily addicted to for years.
Jared tugs at his and Jensen’s clothes at the same time once they finally make it to their room, shutting the door behind him so the dogs won’t bother them. He can’t seem to decide which one of them he wants to get naked first, and Jensen laughs a little and helps by pulling his own clothes off. He does his best not to detach his lips from Jared while he does, even though they sort of bump together enough to sting a couple times. Once he’s gotten everything off, he helps Jared push his boxers to the floor, and then he pulls Jared backwards toward the bed and lets them both collapse down onto it. Jared lands on him hard, but Jensen still doesn’t stop kissing him. He holds Jared’s face in his hands, angling his head sideways so he can get his tongue in even deeper. Jared grinds his hips down into Jensen’s this time, but it’s a million times better now that their jeans aren’t in the way. The slide of Jensen’s bare cock against Jared’s has him seeing stars.
“Fuck,” he mutters. “I missed you. Missed this.”
“You said that already,” Jared tells him, smiling and kissing the tip of Jensen’s nose. “What’a you want?”
“You.”
“Got me, babe. Always,” Jared promises.
“Your dick, then,” Jensen corrects, smiling to himself when Jared laughs.
“You should write poetry.”
“You should hurry the hell up.”
Jared huffs affectionately, but he listens anyway. He reaches over to the drawer in the nightstand where they keep the lube, and he pops the cap on the little bottle and pours some of it onto his fingers. “Fine. But later, we’re doing this again, and we’re doin’ it right. I am gonna worship every inch of you, Ackles, and you’re just gonna hafta lie there and take it.”
“I mean, if I have to,” Jensen sighs, pretending to be annoyed by it. In truth, that sounds really, really good. He just doesn’t have the patience for it right now. He hasn’t even been jerking off all week, he was too busy wallowing. So he really can’t handle taking it slow right now.
Jared leans down and kisses Jensen again, while his hand reaches down between Jensen’s legs, and Jensen lets them fall further apart so Jared has more room. He trails his fingers feather-light over Jensen’s balls, and then he presses against Jensen’s hole a few times, sending shivers up Jensen’s spine. The first push of one of Jared’s strong fingers into Jensen’s body is like coming home. Jared preps him quickly but thoroughly, always so worried about hurting Jensen. Which, really, is just like Jared. Jensen moans when Jared’s fingertips press against his prostate, happy little tremors coiling deep in his gut. Jared licks at the insides of Jensen’s cheeks while he works Jensen up to three fingers, twisting them and spreading them apart and Jensen’s breathing heavily and the air around them feels thick and weighted and he never wants to do anything with Jared ever again except for this.
“C’mon,” he murmurs, pushing gently at Jared’s shoulder. “Need you.”
Jared nods, pulling his fingers out and picking up the lube again. Jensen tenses up just a little when Jared’s cock first breaches his body, muscles tightening up on instinct at the intrusion, but then Jared’s there, kissing his cheeks and rubbing the side of his ribcage and whispering something to him that Jensen doesn’t hear but still understands, and he melts into the mattress. Every muscle in his body relaxes enough that he’d be falling apart if Jared wasn’t there holding him together, and Jared slowly slides forward until his cock is buried in all the way and Jensen finally feels whole again. Jared only pauses for a moment, probably sensing that Jensen needs to be shown that they’re them again, and then he starts rocking back and forth, his cock driving in and out of Jensen in short, quick bursts that instantly have Jensen’s eyes fluttering closed. Jared knows exactly how to do this so it’s perfect, the head of his cock hitting Jensen’s prostate of every other thrust and making his nerve-endings light up like a switch-board. Jensen moves with him, pushing back onto Jared’s dick as much as he can, and Jared drops his face down to rest on Jensen’s, breathing raggedly against his cheek. Jensen slides one hand up to grip Jared’s hair and the other around his neck, keeping Jared close to him so his stomach rubs over Jensen’s erection.
The friction is fantastic but it isn’t quite enough, so Jensen shoves a hand between their bodies and wraps it around his cock, stroking quickly in time with Jared’s frenzied movements. He tries to twist his wrist in that amazing way Jared does it that Jensen can never quite duplicate as much as he tries, but doesn’t really have enough room anyway. So he just squeezes around the head, eyes falling closed again when Jared crashes into his prostate on a particularly deep thrust.
“So fuckin’ good,” Jared rasps, and Jensen moans his agreement.
“Gonna,” he mumbles. “Come with me, ‘kay?”
“Yeah,” Jared breathes.
It takes another couple strokes but then heat bursts at the base of Jensen’s spine and he comes, flooding the space between them with hot and sticky, and groaning Jared’s name harshly.
“Fuck,” Jared sighs, kissing the corner of Jensen’s mouth and driving his cock in and out a couple more times and then he comes too, and Jensen watches him through bleary eyes and feels like such an idiot for ever doubting how much Jared loves him.
After a while, Jared pulls out and rolls over onto his side, but he automatically tugs Jensen in with him, wrapping his big arms around Jensen and cradling Jensen against his chest. Jensen always feels so damn small when Jared does that, but he feel safe too. And right, like he belongs here.
“I … um.” Jensen cringes. He’s still not sure he wants Jared to know this, not sure if he wants to let his own ridiculous insecurities out into the light because that might just make everything worse, but he doesn’t want there to be anything left unsaid between them. It seems like keeping things from each other, even little things, only ever ends up causing them problems. The way he felt this week was bad enough for Jensen to never want it to happen again. “The biggest thing I was worried about with you doing this, all I kept thinking when you first brought it up?”
Jared nods and waits for Jensen to continue, but then Jensen can’t, so Jared kisses him gently and says, “Tell me.”
“It’s stupid.”
Jared frowns. “Don’t do that.”
“Don’t do what?”
“Don’t … put yourself down like that. Dismiss your feelings like they don’t matter. If it’s something you were feeling, it couldn’t be stupid. Please?”
“That …” Jensen sighs and drops his gaze away from Jared’s kind, understanding eyes. “That you’re gonna fall in love with her. And I know I kinda said that when we were fighting, but it … it was a lot bigger than I said. I was really scared, Jared. Scared that having a kid with her would make you realize I’m not what you want.”
“That will never happen,” Jared says, softly but firmly. “You’re my whole world, all the best things in my life come from you. You’re everything to me, do you hear me? There isn’t anything that could happen, ever, that would make me stop loving you. I … I still don’t think I’m gay. But I … I just love you, Jensen. I love kissing you and I love having sex with you and I love falling asleep with you in my arms and waking up with you every morning. I love everything about you, including every single thing you don’t love about yourself. So whatever that is, that’s what I am. And that’s what I’m always gonna be, because there is no place in the entire world I would rather be than right here with you.”
Jensen swallows thickly, emotion swelling in his chest. “Yeah. Okay. I hear you.”
“Love you,” Jared murmurs again, against Jensen’s lips.
“I know,” Jensen answers. He may have momentarily forgotten it, but he does know it. And he’s still apprehensive about the idea of Jared doing this. He still doesn’t like situations he feels like he isn’t in control of, because his over-active imagination is just constantly supplying him with vivid worst-case-scenarios. But knowing that Jared loves him is enough – more than enough – to make him want to believe that everything will end up okay.