Archive of Our Own

Neil has always been in awe of Andrew’s absurd level of skill when it comes to exy.

He’s a force to be reckoned with, a veritable brick wall, a god with a racquet. Neil knows that if Andrew caught wind of what he thinks when he gets to watch him in goal, Andrew would flick his forehead and call him a idiot junkie—but it’s not Neil’s fault he’s hot as sin when he denies the opposing strikers over and over again, holding the other team’s score at under 5 points just because Neil asked.

Besides, Andrew benefits every time. Neil’s never seen whatever comes over his face when they make eye contact across the court, but Andrew does and, more importantly, Neil sees how ridiculously smug Andrew gets.

Today is no different.

It’s the first game of Neil’s second year, his first as vice captain. The Foxes struggled in the first half with Wymack’s decision to let the freshman have some game experience early on. They weren’t really prepared for what a real collegiate exy game is like—but then half-time came and went and Andrew had asked Neil for a number and summarily delivered. They eked out a win by the skin of their teeth but Neil got to engage in one of his all-time favorite pastimes, so the night hasn’t been as terrible as it could’ve.

When Wymack finally releases them after his pep talk, the team hurries back to the showers but Neil hangs back, taking his time removing his gear.

Andrew stays, too. He eases the chest armor over his head and his shin guards down his legs and Neil shamelessly watches as his back muscles shift under his skin. Andrew surely knows what Neil is doing but he doesn’t show it or tell him to stop.

By the time the quicker of their teammates returns to the locker room, Neil is down to his compression shirt and uniform shorts and Andrew is left in his boxers.

They don’t try to hide the fact that they intend to shower together, walking into the shower room side-by-side. Kevin shoots him a knowing (and a slightly disgusted) look as they pass each other but Neil pays him no mind. He’s a man on a mission.

Andrew leads him to the furthest shower stall, the one they always use when they feel like fucking before they get back to the dorms.

There’s only one other person still lingering, so Neil decides to wait them out by removing the last of his clothes, chucking them over the stall door. When he turns back to Andrew, he gets a pair of boxers shoved in his face.

“Gross,” Neil teases, throwing them over with his own clothes.

Andrew ignores him, turning the water on to his favored near-scalding temperature, but he can’t hide his rapidly hardening cock.

They wait for as long as it takes for the other shower to shut off and wet footsteps to recede before Andrew is dragging Neil into a bruising, hungry kiss.

Half his body is under the spray of the water and it would probably hurt if he could think of anything other than Andrew’s mouth on his but then Andrew puts his hands on Neil’s ass and even that thought vanishes from his mind.

Neil curls his fingers in the hairs at the back of Andrew’s neck, a place he’d been given as a blanket yes until it’s no, and tugs him even closer. Andrew’s cock, now fully hard, digs into his hip. Neil wants it in his mouth so badly his body almost aches for it.

“You were so good tonight,” Neil mutters when they have to pull apart for air. Andrew tells him to shut up with a sharp bite to his bottom lip but Neil doesn’t listen. He ducks his head so he can mouth at the sensitive skin of Andrew’s neck and is gifted with a full-body shiver. He wants Andrew to know how much he affects Neil and how much Neil likes him. “Couldn’t keep my eyes off you the whole time I was on the bench.”

Andrew squeezes his ass, a clear reprimand if it weren’t then followed up by Andrew sliding a finger between his cheeks to press at his hole.

They haven’t ventured into anal yet but Neil has a feeling Andrew’s been biding his time until he can plug every one of Neil’s holes up. Neil would let him in a heartbeat.

“I want your dick in my mouth,” Neil confesses, mostly to the skin of Andrew’s neck.

Andrew takes one hand from his ass so he can tug Neil’s head back and kiss him once more on the lips. “Go for it, bunny.”

Neil doesn’t waste any time. He drops to his knees and gets to work, taking the tip of Andrew’s cock into his mouth. He swirls his tongue before he pushes his head down, lower and lower until he has to forcibly relax his throat to go any further and then some.

He inhales deeply once his nose is pressed up against the coarse hairs at the base of Andrew’s cock. Andrew smells like sweat and deodorant and boy and it drives Neil crazy.

They haven’t been doing this long but Neil is a quick study. He’s had ample opportunity since that one summer night to study what gets Andrew to the edge fastest and he pulls out all the stops now. If they don’t make it quick, someone will come looking for them to make sure they didn’t drown and Neil would rather not be interrupted.

Andrew drops his head against the tiled wall with a quiet groan that feels louder than it really is.

All it does is spur Neil on. He swallows around Andrew’s length once, twice before he pulls up. Spit dribbles out of his mouth when it is no longer full and he uses it to make his hand glide easier over the base of Andrew’s cock. Neil tongues the slit, then goes down on him again, bobbing his head as quick as far down as he can manage, using his hand to make up for the rest.

Andrew is still quiet but he’s louder than he used to be. When Andrew first started letting Neil stay when he got himself off, he was near silent but Andrew has loosened his tight grip on himself ever since he let Neil jerk him off for the first time.

It’s everything to Neil. He does everything his power to coax them out of Andrew and revels every time he manages it.

Andrew drops a hand on the top of Neil’s head, his fingers grabbing hold of Neil’s hair. It’s a punishing hold, but Neil let’s Andrew guide him into deepthroating him again, shifting his hand to steady himself on Andrew’s thigh.

When he’s all the way down, Andrew loosens his hold and runs his fingers almost lovingly through Neil’s hair. It elicits a strange warmth in the middle of Neil’s chest, something he’s not sure he’s ever felt before but he doesn’t think about it too hard, not when Andrew gasps out his name in warning.

Neil pulls up just enough that he’s not in danger of choking and sucks, hard. Andrew tries—and fails—to stifle a moan before he comes.

Neil swallows everything down, suckling on the end of Andrew’s cock to make sure he gets it all until Andrew pushes him off completely.

He sits back on his thighs so he can look up at Andrew—and fuck, he’s beautiful. Neil has never seen a more beautiful person in the entire world. That warmth is all-consuming now that he isn’t distracted but Neil doesn’t have any name for it.

All he knows is that he wants to be close to Andrew in any and every way he can be.

They keep winning, for the most part. There are stumbles, a couple games lost because the asshole freshmen can’t put aside their differences with the rest of the Foxes (most of which, Neil will admit, are with himself) for two hours and focus on the only thing that matters inside the plexiglass box.

By the time they get to their first game in November, Neil is fairly certain they’ll make it to the death matches. There is always the probability of it all crashing and burning, but the Foxes pulled everything together last year even with all that shit going on so he’s cautiously optimistic. A new thing for him but it seems to be going just fine.

The Friday before the twins’ birthday is mostly spent on the team bus. They leave in the early afternoon and Neil joins Andrew in the back of the bus, only moving from his spot leaning on Andrew’s shoulder halfway through the trip when they stop for a cheap meal and a bathroom break.

He overhears Renee and Dan discussing what the team is going to do for the twin’s birthday when he goes for a quick piss.

Dan wants to throw them a party when they return to campus since they’ll be gone all weekend for their normal Columbia plans but Renee tells her something subtle is best. Neil quietly agrees with Renee, but he has his own plans he doesn’t intend to share with anyone but Andrew.

Neil had said he wouldn’t do anything special for Andrew but if he had an appointment to talk to Abby about getting a prescription for birth control on Monday because Andrew had maybe, possibly hinted at the idea of fucking without a condom, it’s purely coincidence.

Plus, if they win tonight, Neil intends to let Andrew fuck him however he wants as celebration once they get back to campus.

And, thankfully, they do win.

The drive back goes by faster since Neil drops his head into Andrew’s lap the second they sit down and sleeps the entire time. When they arrive on campus and switch into the Mas, Neil’s body is tingling with expectation.

Andrew had bargained for his effort yet again (not that Neil has any issues with giving Andrew anything he wants in exchange for a won game) and accepted Neil’s cryptic you’ll like what I have to give you in return.

The girls have something planned, Neil knows as much by the way Dan and Allison keep glancing between Andrew and Aaron when they get back to the dorms and the apologetic looks Renee throws at him before they disappear into their room.

When Neil tells him, Andrew just rolls his eyes. Neither of them planned to go to the victory party in the basement already, so this is just further incentive to avoid it. Andrew forces a thick fleece hoodie on him before they leave for the roof.

Neil follows him without hesitation like he always does. It’s late, he’s still a little tired but the promise of Andrew’s hands or mouth on him energizes him enough that it’s negligible.

“We won,” Andrew says once they’re settled in their place. They’re further away from the edge of the roof than normal but Neil has no complaints. It’ll be easier to get from smoking to sex like this. Andrew doesn’t look at him, lighting his cigarette, but there’s an undercurrent of expectation.

“We did,” Neil concedes. He steals the cigarette the second Andrew moves it away from his face and takes a small hit before he puts it out and reaches for Andrew’s face.

He lets Neil guide him into a kiss, something softer than they how normally are. It warms something inside Neil to be able to have this other side of Andrew all to himself and almost whenever he wants. Neil can’t help the way he melts into the kiss.

Andrew reacts exactly how Neil expects—he pulls away just enough to shoot him an unimpressed look before recapturing his lips, more insistent than before.

He tugs hard on Neil’s hoodie, almost completely pulling him into his lap. Neil shifts the rest of the way until he’s settled firmly on top of Andrew’s thighs and drapes his arms over Andrew’s shoulders. He can already feel Andrew’s erection poking at his ass.

Neil peppers kisses all over Andrew’s face and down his neck before he says, “Tell me what you want.”

He feels more than sees Andrew’s jaw tighten, likely holding back on the I want nothing bullshit response since it won’t get them anywhere. Neil presses an open mouthed kiss to Andrew’s throat in hopes of loosening the tension in his body.

It takes a handful of kisses but it eventually works. Andrew grabs Neil’s thighs and pulls him impossibly closer.

“Is this my reward for playing your stupid sport?”

Neil tries to stifle his smile but he’s sure Andrew feels it against his skin anyway. “Yes. We’ll do anything you want tonight.” Andrew stiffens under him but Neil cuts off whatever argument he has lined up with a quick nip to the underside of his jaw. “I know but I trust you. I know you know that. And I can always say no. I know you know that too.”

He can sense Andrew’s acceptance in the air before Andrew turns his face and captures Neil’s lips again.

Neil is content to just stay here like this, kissing until he’s too exhausted to even walk back down to his bed but Andrew pulls away soon enough. His cheeks are flushed and Neil pushes down the smugness he feels at being able to affect him so easily.

“My mouth on you, yes or no?” Andrew says against his lips. Neil’s yes is swallowed by another kiss, filthy enough that Neil is already dripping wet despite not having been touched yet.

Andrew guides him on to his back, one hand lingering on his chest for a handful of seconds before Andrew tugs his sweatpants and boxers down to his knees.

Neil’s legs are more restricted than he’d normally care for but Andrew descends on him soon enough that it doesn’t actually matter.

His tongue is hot and heavy when Andrew drags it over his folds, parting him with ease. He latches on to Neil’s clit and sucks hard enough that Neil can’t stop the moan that rushes out of him. It only seems to encourage Andrew, who works his mouth and tongue quickly, with no intention of slowing down.

Andrew has always been so fucking talented at making Neil come with just his mouth, it’s a wonder that Neil’s is his first pussy. He’s a goddamn natural.

“Oh—fuck.”

Neil stretches his arms above his head, grasping for something to hold on to and finding nothing but loose bits of gravel and cigarette butts. Andrew doesn’t pause for a second, swapping quickly between lapping at Neil’s cunt and sucking on his clit in a way that has Neil coming before he realizes he’s even close.

Andrew finishes with a single, chaste kiss to the crease of Neil’s hip and climbs back so he’s even with Neil’s face. His lips glisten with slick and his eyes are dilated so wide the hazel Neil adores so much is nearly completely swallowed up.

“Do you—?” Andrew cuts him off with a quick, wet kiss.

“I got it,” he says, a little breathless, and then shoves his pants down far enough to pull his cock out.

He’s so hard it’s a miracle he hasn’t already come but it doesn’t take him long. Andrew kisses him again, leaning in close enough that Neil can feel Andrew’s knuckles brush up against his inner thigh as Andrew strips himself in rapid, hard strokes.

Neil squeezes his eyes shut when Andrew lets out a single, unrestrained groan so he doesn’t work himself up again but he almost loses his composure when Andrew’s hand falters and he comes on the same patch of skin on Neil’s hip he just kissed.

Andrew drops his head to Neil’s shoulder, lightly panting.

He’ll definitely need another shower before he crawls into bed but he can’t find it within himself to be upset at the idea. He’d do anything to be able to have this with Andrew.

Eventually, Andrew catches his breath and sits up. Neil slowly opens his eyes to see Andrew still hovering over him. The traces of light that reach the rooftop from the lampposts in the parking lot make him glow, almost.

He is—so beautiful it’s unfair but then Neil remembers he gets Andrew all to himself. That insistent warm feeling from a couple months ago comes back, full force. If he were standing, it’d knock him off his feet, it’s so strong.

For one blistering, dreadful second he thinks this feeling might actually be love.

He manages to shake it off quick enough that Andrew doesn’t catch it but it sticks to him like glue as they clean up as best they can and make their way down to their dorm. He feels it even when Andrew grabs a wet wipe from the bathroom and gets what they couldn’t on the roof, even when Andrew hands over a pair of Neil’s sleep shorts and one of his own shirts for Neil to change into, and even when Andrew tugs him into his bed for the night despite rarely ever doing so when they’re in the dorms.

It even follows him into his sleep, where he dreams of a shared apartment and slow mornings and new additions to his key ring.

It’s a little terrifying to go about his normal routines while the fact that he loves Andrew hangs so grimly over his head.

The only other person he ever loved was his mother. There wasn’t (and still isn’t) any doubt in Neil’s mind that his mother loved him—you don’t die or spend nearly ten years in a perpetual state of fear and injury or take the worst hits from deranged serial killers when you could just as easily not do that for someone you don’t love. Mary didn’t have to take him and run. She could’ve prioritized her own well-being, as little of that as there was living with Nathan, but she didn’t.

With her, though, love was as much comfort as it was violence. Neil was no stranger to it even at ten years old, but he’d never faced it from his mother. It was a shock, a total system reboot, the first time she slapped him. He doesn’t even remember what triggered the response, only the stinging pain in his cheek and the red mark that lasted for hours after.

She had apologized, said it wouldn’t happen again.

Of course, that promise lasted about a week before she yanked on his hair hard enough to pull several strands out. Neil had teared up and Mary had told him not to cry or she’d give him something to actually cry about. She didn’t apologize, nor any time after that.

Neil knows about his own capacity for violence, how deep the pool of anger inside him goes but also how close to the surface it sits. He calls on it easily, when necessary, and finds little resistance but it’s always a struggle to push it back down once it’s released.

It’s not the first time he’s worried about becoming his parents but it is the first time he’s ever feared becoming his mother.

He tries valiantly to hide his new revelations from Andrew but he only manages a couple of weeks before Andrew is giving him pointed looks.

Not much changes between them, thankfully. Whatever it is Andrew sees, he’s not that worried about it, or else he’d be locking Neil in a room with just the two of them and staring him down until he inevitably cracks.

Their intimacy is untouched, too. Kisses every morning before class and every night before they crawl into bed, separate because despite the impromptu vacation in the mountains, Andrew isn’t comfortable spending every single night with the weight of another body in his bed. They still hold hands over the center console when in the car, and Andrew still puts a claiming hand over his thigh or his arm around the back of Neil’s chair when they sit close enough in public. They still come together every night, quick orgasms brought through hands or mouths or thighs.

It’s like almost nothing is different. Except for Neil.

He keeps a stringent eye on himself, analyses everything he says to make sure it doesn’t come out cruel or hurtful. He’s more hesitant when he reaches for Andrew, which Neil is sure is the thing that tipped Andrew off.

Nothing he does jumps out at him but he’s not entirely sure his mother felt guilty about the things she did to him. It’s all on him if he slips up and hurts Andrew.

Neil doesn’t think he’d be able to live with himself if he did hurt Andrew.

A little distance is probably a good thing, even if the idea makes him feel like breaking out in a full body rash, but Andrew refuses to let him. Neil doesn’t know how he can tell the difference between Neil wanting distance for himself and forcing distance despite not wanting to, but he can and every time Neil steps away, Andrew fills the space right back up.

He doesn’t hate it—he doesn’t think he ever could—but it makes analyzing his actions that much more difficult. Neil finds everything aside from looking at Andrew more difficult when he’s close by.

It takes Andrew cornering him in the locker room after a particularly tense night practice where Neil could barely focus and Kevin did not let up for even a second despite that for Neil to inform someone else of his new revelations.

He’s out of his armor and most of his uniform when Andrew digs his fingers into his hair and forces him to look up. Andrew is tense and Neil knows it’s all his fault but he can’t do anything about it. Andrew is too perceptive when it comes to him and Neil lost the ability to lie to him a long time ago, not that he actually wants or needs to anymore.

Andrew stares at him for long enough that anyone else would’ve caved under the pressure, but Neil is not just anyone. He stares back even if the emotion under Andrew’s apathetic mask makes him want to peel his own skin off.

“What is going on with you?” Neil finally tries to look away but Andrew grips his chin and forces his head still. “Do I need to ask for your phone?”

Neil has to bite back his immediate response—I’m fine, this isn’t important, we don’t have a deal anymore—because he knows that would just serve to worry Andrew further. It’s nothing Andrew should need to worry about.

“I’m stuck on something,” is how Neil decides to answer. Andrew’s hands loosen their hold on his hair and chin but he doesn’t pull away. “It’s—it’s nothing life threatening and probably stupid. I’ll tell you when I figure it out.”

Andrew studies him for a moment, trying and ultimately failing to see the lie in his words. He gives Neil’s hair one tug before he steps away entirely and slips off his shirt. “If you won’t talk to me, you will talk to someone else before your junkie mind works itself to death.” He gives Neil a pointed look and doesn’t turn away until Neil nods his acceptance. “Now go shower. You stink.”

The thought of telling anyone about his feelings leaves a sour taste in his mouth.

But—maybe it would do Neil some good to talk this out with someone. They could help him realize he’s scared of nothing—or more likely, they’d confirm his fears and he’d be able to catch himself before he hurts Andrew.

He can’t talk to Andrew and he definitely won’t talk to Dobson but he supposes there are a couple people whose opinion Neil appreciates and trusts.

Neil bites the bullet and catches Matt two days later after they both return from their morning classes and asks him to lunch.

The invitation is doing double duty—Neil hasn’t hung out with Matt one-on-one in what feels like forever and he’ll twist himself into knots if he doesn’t deal with his feelings sooner rather than later and Matt won’t judge him no matter what Neil brings to him.

Matt agrees excitedly, just how Neil suspected he would. They go to a nearby diner, one the girls tend to go to when the dining hall food gets to be too repetitive. It’s small enough that most students don’t bother with it but the food is decent enough that Neil has no complaints.

He listens to Matt ramble on about one of his business classes—the one that makes Neil want to laugh every time he thinks about the notes Matt took for it, how the “math” they were learning was just basic addition presented as a complex theory—pausing only when the waitress takes their orders. It’s a decent distraction from the real reason Neil asked him to lunch.

But it can’t last forever, and Neil knows when the waitress drops their food off his time to put it off is over.

“How did you feel when you realized you loved Dan?” Neil asks, keeping his eyes on the sandwich and fries in front of him. He grimaces when he hears the desperate edge to his voice.

Matt keeps silent long enough that Neil lifts his head to check that his friend hasn’t suddenly disappeared. He hasn’t—and he’s looking at Neil with the softest face Neil has ever seen on him, and that’s saying something, considering Neil’s seen how he looks at Dan after she just wakes up.

There must be something in Neil’s expression because Matt erases it as best he can, which isn’t much but at least it’s not as intense.

“Sorry, I just,” Matt starts, waving one of his hands. He grins, tries to smother it, fails, and then just gives up. “It’s not every day you come to me with relationship questions.”

Neil doesn’t bother with his usual deflections even though it feels weird to call what he has with Andrew a relationship. What they have feels bigger than words can convey but Neil wouldn’t know how to say it any other way.

He supposed they’re boyfriends, tests the phrase out in his head. It still feels strange, but there’s a giddiness to it that Neil can’t escape.

“I know, I know,” Matt continues anyway as he steals a fry off of Neil’s plate. “Not a relationship, not your boyfriend. You two are weirdly made for each other.”

Neil doesn’t know what to say to that but Matt has no issues talking without his input. “But I guess I always kind of loved Dan? I don’t remember waking up one day and thinking oh, this is love but I did say it a few months after our first date and I remember she sat me down as was like, are you sure, and of course I was sure but it made me think. Like did I only think I loved her because I think she’s the absolute perfect woman and I’m putting her on a pedestal? Or do I love her because she’s kind and funny and headstrong and we work well together and I like seeing her happy and enjoying life and want to do everything in my power to make sure she keeps being happy?”

Matt pauses so he can actually start eating his sandwich but Neil doesn’t touch his own. He, somehow, completely understands the last bits of what Matt said. He likes seeing Andrew relaxed and at ease and comfortable and wants him to keep feeling that way.

It’d taken a long time for Andrew to be as open as he is now with Neil and Neil would do anything to keep being a safe enough place so Andrew can be himself without issue.

Which is why this is such a problem. If Neil loves Andrew, how long will it take until he puts his hands on Andrew for a reason other than cuddling or sex? How long until he breaks a promise or oversteps a boundary?

He is his parents’ child, and neither of them were particularly kind to the ones they were suppose to love. Why should he be any different?

Matt seems upset at whatever Neil’s face is doing but he lets the silence settle between them in favor of actually eating his lunch. Neil picks at his fries, stomach turning uneasily.

“Is—Is it a bad thing for you to love Andrew? Is that was this is?” Matt asks eventually. Sometimes, Neil forgets just how perceptive Matt can be.

He shrugs and rips a fry in half. He lets both pieces fall back on to his plate and steels himself for some vulnerability. “It might be. The last person I ever loved was my mom and she was the only person I knew who loved me. I don’t—get how normal people love each other. I know that how my mom cared about me wasn’t right but I don’t know any other way. And the only relationship I ever saw growing up was my parents. I wasn’t the only live-in punching bag my father had.”

“Don’t you, though? Know other ways?” Neil tries to think of any other examples he could have and comes up blank. Matt chuckles at his struggle. It should sting but Neil doesn’t sense any malice. “I mean, for one you’ve seen me and Dan. You literally came to me to ask about us. And there’s Nicky and Erik. Hell, I’m sure you’ve seen Aaron and Katelyn around each other enough times to know how they treat each other."

Matt takes a sip of his iced tea and shrugs. “I think you know plenty of people who don’t hit their partners despite loving them. It’s always a possibility, sure, but—actually, look at it this way. Do you trust and respect Andrew’s choices?”

“Obviously.” Neil doesn’t hold back on the disdain at the idea of him disrespecting whatever Andrew chooses to do.

Matt smiles at him and gestures as if to say there you go. “So you trust and respect that he wouldn’t choose a partner who he thinks would hurt him. You may not trust yourself but Andrew does. Are you going to tell him he’s wrong?”

Neil frowns. He won’t deny Andrew the ability to do whatever he wants but Andrew can be wrong—he’s not infallible.

“How about this,” Matt continues, derailing Neil’s thoughts. “Andrew probably didn’t have good examples of healthy relationships growing up, right? Do you trust him not to hit you?”

Something clicks then, in Neil’s mind. He doesn’t think there’s a lot of logic to how much Neil trusts Andrew not to hurt him—not with their histories and not with how little Andrew used to care about Neil’s safety. He has, in the past, put Neil in dangerous situations and gotten Neil hurt with his past actions.

But Neil knows like he knows the way his heart beats that the Andrew he loves won’t put his hands on Neil in any way he doesn’t joyfully invite. The Andrew he loves would fight until his final breath to protect Neil’s safety. The Andrew he loves would never let Neil get so far as to raise his hands against him.

Matt sounds so smug when he follows that up with, “So, what’s the issue?”

And Neil, for the life of him, doesn’t know what it is anymore.

When he returns to the dorms that afternoon, he finds Andrew sprawled out on his bed. The hoodie he’s wearing almost swallows him whole, the hood up and strings pulled tight so it can’t slip off his head.

Andrew looks so comfortable and soft, Neil nearly drops those three little words right then and there but he keeps the confession to himself. It doesn’t feel right to say it just yet but he knows he will soon. He can’t keep things to himself when he’s around Andrew for very long nowadays.

Andrew glances up when he registers Neil’s presence and visibly relaxes. He holds one hand out in invitation for Neil to join him in bed, which Neil takes readily after he drops his bag at the door and kicks his shoes off.

“Figured things out?” is how Andrew greets him once Neil is snuggled up to his side, arms wrapped tight around Andrew’s middle, legs tangled together.

Neil sighs happily when Andrew slides his fingers through his hair. “Yeah. Matt has good advice.”

“Good.” Andrew leans over and kisses Neil’s forehead before he returns to whatever he was doing on his phone, idly playing with Neil’s hair. He melts into it. This might just be his favorite place in the entire world.

It's the easiest thing in the world, being with Andrew. Neil can’t believe he forgot, even for a moment, and slips effortlessly into unconsciousness for an afternoon nap.

Neil has managed to keep his mouth shut until the fall semester ends despite this being the one time he wished he wouldn’t.

He and Andrew plan to spend the first half of the winter break at the house in Columbia, thankfully alone as everyone else made separate plans. Neil had thought about extending their road trip for the entire break, but really, he just wants to stay somewhere familiar for at least a little while, especially after deciding that he’ll be telling Andrew he loves him at some point before the spring semester begins and everyone is around all of the time.

They drop Nicky off at the airport before they start on their drive, so it’s late when they finally arrive. Neil is near exhausted but seeing the house gives him a small second wind, just enough for him to get his bag out of the trunk and eat a dinner of pre-made pasta and cheesy bread from the freezer across from Andrew at the small kitchen table.

It’s so domestic and easy, Neil can almost imagine doing this every night for the rest of his life.

The confession burns hot in his lungs, even as they collapse on the couch to watch whatever action movie Andrew can find on TV. The break would be the perfect time for Neil to tell him but right now would be too much.

He drops his head in Andrew’s lap and lets the fake explosion noises lull him to sleep.

Neil wakes up with the sun the next morning, Andrew’s hand wrapped around his where they meet in the middle of the bed. His legs itch with the desire to run and Neil has no desire to ignore it today when he’s skipped his runs for the last several days to stick close to Andrew in hopes that maybe the words would just slip out and he’d get this all over with.

He slowly eases his hand out of Andrew’s in an attempt to not wake him up but it doesn’t work. Andrew scrunches his face, an oddly cute gesture for him, before he opens his eyes, blinking as he adjusts to the barely-there light.

“Just going for a run,” Neil whispers. He so desperately wants to poke Andrew’s nose but he holds back. “Go back to sleep, baby.”

The pet name is unintentional, but Andrew doesn’t seem to care. Neil knows he heard it because he scoffs but that’s the full extent of his reaction. He lets Neil get out of bed without interference but Neil can feel his eyes tracking his every move as he swaps his sleep shorts for his running shorts.

When he turns to give Andrew his parting kiss, Andrew is sitting up, legs parted perfectly for Neil to slip in between. Andrew grabs on to Neil’s waist when he gets close enough and pulls him in the rest of the way.

This is the side of Andrew that makes Neil love him most. The fact that he allows himself to be soft and vulnerable in Neil’s presence is nothing more than a miracle and Neil won’t treat it any less than that.

Andrew buries his face in Neil’s stomach, slipping his hands under Neil’s shirt just enough to expose the small pudge he now has as a result of getting consistent meals.

He knows Andrew enjoys seeing him filled out and, honestly, Neil does too. He feels stronger, more solid, like he can take a hit and not immediately collapse. It’s a stark change from his former thoughts about how his body distributed his weight—baggy shirts and jeans in a size too large to hide the curves of his hips and his chest when he wasn’t wearing his binder.

It made him uncomfortable and nervous to be so noticeably different back then but Neil has very few reasons to hide now, and those reasons who taunt him by calling him a girl do so at a distance because they know just how hard he can hit. It helps that he’s rarely far from Andrew and his reputation around campus, too.

“Good morning,” Andrew mutters into Neil’s stomach. Andrew’s lips are dry when he presses them to a spot just above the waistband of Neil’s shorts.

The action is so gentle, Neil almost lets the words slip out. But he manages to keep them in and seconds later, Andrew’s hands leave his waist in favor of his ass. If there was one part of Neil’s body he thinks Andrew likes touching most, he’d put a significant bet on that being his ass.

Andrew gives him a quick squeeze before he forces Neil around and playfully slaps one of his ass cheeks.

“Don’t get hit by a car,” are his parting words.

Andrew is in the kitchen when Neil gets back, ten miles later, the coffee machine gurgling as it brews. He gives Neil a glance as he passes on his way to the stairs, lingering on Neil’s bare legs.

The look sends Neil’s insides into a frenzy but he keeps on his path to the shower. As much as he’d love for Andrew to take him as-is in the kitchen, a shower sounds fucking incredible and he wants out of his sweaty clothes.

Neil showers fast and throws on the first things he grabs from the dresser, a pair of blue striped cotton shorts and a baggy faded band tee he’s pretty sure is actually Andrew’s.

A bowl of cereal topped with cut up bananas and strawberries awaits him at the kitchen table by the time he gets back downstairs. He sits down across from Andrew who sips idly at his too-sweet coffee and casually works on the next crossword in his puzzle book.

Neil is so filled with love he’s almost bursting with it but instead of doing anything about it, he shovels a spoonful of cereal in his mouth.

When he finishes, Andrew shuts his book and pulls Neil into his lap on the way back from the sink after rinsing off his bowl. Neil wraps his arms around Andrew’s shoulders and revels in the defined muscles he feels shifting under Andrew’s skin as he runs his hands up Neil’s back.

Andrew looks—soft, almost unreal, in the terrible kitchen light. Neil wants him so bad. Wants to sit in his lap forever and kiss him until his lips fall off. Wants to curl up next to him for the rest of their lives.

He just wants Andrew, in any and every way he can possibly have him.

“Spit it out.” Andrew’s voice is flat, but his eyes—oh, his eyes. They shine and glow and simmer, liquid gold and so, so deep Neil could drown in them. It’s no wonder Neil loves him, when Andrew looks at him like this.

“Thinking about you.” Neil gets to watch Andrew’s pupil dilate in real time and shivers. There’s a promise in that look and Neil’s whole body sings with it. “Kiss me?”

Andrew doesn’t need to be asked twice.

He drags Neil down into a borderline obscene kiss, one hand flat against Neil’s shoulder blades and the one teasing at the edge of Neil’s waistband. It’s slow and drawn-out and so very, very tender. Neil loses himself easily, his entire world narrowed down to Andrew’s hands and lips.

Neil slides his hands into Andrew’s hair, tugs hard in the way Andrew likes so he can pull away for air. He certain kissing Andrew will always be one of his favorite activities but he wants more than that today, wants Andrew to fuck him until his brain blanks out.

He allows one more kiss before he asks, “Bedroom?”

Instead of answering, Andrew hooks his hands under Neil’s thighs and stands, lifting Neil with him.

Neil will forever be in awe of Andrew’s strength and this morning is no different. He wraps his legs around Andrew’s waist and holds on to Andrew’s shoulders, mostly to keep himself upright but Neil relishes in the chance to feel him up.

Andrew carries him up the stairs, pausing whenever Neil drops a kiss on his neck because, Neil thinks, he doesn’t want to stumble and drop him. But he manages (with his big, strong arms) to keep a hold on Neil all the way into his—their—bedroom, where he drops Neil unceremoniously onto their bed.

He keeps close but Neil puts a hand on his chest and pushes him back. Andrew goes easily, though not without lifting a single, questioning eyebrow.

Neil shifts so he can sit on the edge of the mattress and strip himself of his t-shirt and shorts, leaving him in just a pair of briefs he stole from Andrew’s side of the dresser. Andrew follows him, pulling off his own shirt but when he tries to step closer again, Neil slides off the bed and kneels on the floor in front of him.

It puts his face level with Andrew’s cock. He’s already so hard, visibly tenting his black plaid pajama pants, Neil’s mouth waters.

Neil can already taste him, feel Andrew’s weight on his tongue. It’s intoxicating.

He places a careful hand on Andrew’s stomach, feels Andrew twitch, sees Andrew’s mouth fall open as his breathing quickens.

“Can I suck you off?”

He watches the shiver go through Andrew’s body. It’s always a treat getting to watch just how much he affects Andrew.

Andrew reaches down to grip Neil’s chin and thumbs his bottom lip. He parts Neil’s lips with ease and presses his thumb to Neil’s tongue but it’s too small a comfort when all Neil wants is Andrew's cock in his mouth.

Neil hollows his cheeks and Andrew’s eyes darken in response. He pulls his thumb away so he can tug his pajama pants and boxers down to mid-thigh and takes his cock in one hand, stroking disinterestedly.

“You want my cock, Abram?”

Words fail him, even when he opens his mouth, but Andrew accepts the half-hearted nod he gets in response. Neil can only imagine what he looks like, how needy and desperate he already is despite them not having done more than kissing.

It takes a few seconds but Andrew palms the back of his head with his other hand to keep him steady and guides the tip of his cock into Neil’s waiting mouth.

He keeps himself as relaxed as possible as Andrew slowly feeds him more of his cock, inch by inch. It’s indulgent, the pace. They have the time to enjoy themselves, sloppy head in the backseat of the car and rushed handjobs in the locker room showers long forgotten.

Neil digs his fingers in the back of Andrew’s thighs to stop himself from dragging Andrew deeper all on his own. He wants this to last, wants Andrew to stretch this out for as long as possible.

And Andrew does take his time, pressing forward until his cock hits the back of Neil’s throat. He stays still, his now free hand moving to cup Neil’s cheek, and Neil laps it all up eagerly, moaning around the girth of him.

“Fuck,” Andrew hisses.

The moan goes straight through Neil and clenches down around nothing. He wants Andrew inside him so badly but he doesn’t want to pull off just yet. He swallows around Andrew before he starts bobbing, slow and lengthy.

Andrew doesn’t hold back on the small noises that escape as Neil sucks him down. It’s a change of pace from what they normally do, the promise of a raw fuck getting to them both.

When Neil swallows him whole once more, Andrew pulls him off. His breathing is heavy like it is when he’s close. Briefly, Neil feels smug that he’s able to bring him to so close to climax so quickly.

“Bed,” is Andrew’s sharp command.

Neil doesn’t waste a second climbing back into their bed, whipping off his briefs as he does. Andrew follows him a second later, as naked as Neil is, draping his body over Neil’s without a moment’s hesitation.

Andrew kisses him once, twice before he moves to get into the bedside table where they keep the lube and pauses. It’s also where they keep the condoms but they ran out the last time they came to Columbia and didn’t bother buying anymore, now that Neil is on the pill. “We don’t have to—”

“Drew,” Neil interrupts. “If you don’t fuck me right now I think I might actually combust.”

Andrew rolls his eyes but the tips of ears flush. He grabs the lube and pours a generous amount over his fingers, taking his time to warm it up before he pushes two fingers in with ease.

The way he fucks Neil is slow and indulgent, spreading his fingers as wide as they can go. He thrusts again and again and again, relentlessly pulling a dozen little whimpers out of him.

“Andrew—” Neil gasps when Andrew presses his thumb to Neil’s clit, “Fuck me—now.”

Amusement flashes across Andrew’s face, but he does as Neil requests. He slides his fingers out but Neil doesn’t have long to mourn the loss before Andrew coats his cock in lube and lines himself up.

The first push in is as close to heaven as Neil thinks he’ll ever get. They fuck often enough that it’s familiar but Neil is always a little awed by how much he likes it. He spent so long believing he’d be alone for whatever little of his life he’d get, he’s still surprised every time he remembers he never has to be on his own ever again.

Andrew pulls out almost all the way, his eyes sparkling as he stares at Neil stretched wide around him, before he buries himself deep in Neil again. He keeps his thrusts shallow and almost lazy, prolonging the amount of time he’s enveloped in Neil’s cunt.

It’s ridiculous, but Neil can’t help but think it’s so fucking hot. He feels so similar, he never wants to be apart from Andrew again.

He wraps his legs around Andrew’s hips and hooks his ankles together and drapes his arms around Andrew’s shoulders, all to keep the distance between them as little as possible.

“Shit, Andrew—” Neil moans. “Can you—go a little faster?”

Andrew kisses him hard once, but instead of doing as Neil asked, Andrew pulls back to sit on his thighs, keeping a tight hold of Neil so he can drag him along with. Neil settles into his lap with one of Andrew’s arms wrapped around his waist and his other hand full of his ass. Andrew’s cock shifts even deeper than Neil thought possible, he can almost feel it in his stomach.

It’s divine, it’s everything. Neil is fucking obsessed, he thinks he might just want to fuck like this every single time they have sex in the future.

And then Andrew moves again, just a shallow thrust upwards but the moan Neil lets out is loud and indecent.

“Baby,” Neil whines. The pet name slips out again but he doesn’t take it back and Andrew doesn’t tell him to. “Fuck, do—ah—do that again.”

Andrew complies, rocking up into Neil. He moves as fast as he can, using the grip he has on Neil’s ass to guide him into a deliciously filthy grind. It’s—so much.

Neil is a blazing sun trapped by skin, warmed with just how much he loves Andrew. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to keep the confession at bay for much longer, not when he can feel every single inch of Andrew inside him with no barrier between them, his gentle and heavy hands holding him close.

He doesn’t hold back on his moans, relishing in the opportunity to have and love someone who cares about him as much as he cares about them, without violence or cruelty as a trade-off. It’s everything he never thought he’d get, everything he thought he was too fucked up to ever allow himself to have.

Andrew sneaks a hand between their bodies so he can press a thumb to Neil’s clit. He rubs hard and fast, pulling Neil to his climax almost immediately.

But before Neil tumbles over that cliff, he manages a breathy, “I love you,” directly into Andrew’s ear.

He comes a second later. Neil barely registers Andrew freezing up but he can’t do anything about it because as quick as he does, Andrew pushes him back into the mattress and flips him on his stomach. Andrew’s arms wrap around his waist so he pulls Neil back on to his cock with ease.

Andrew desperate when he fucks back into Neil, chasing his own orgasm. His entire body is pressed against Neil’s, his face buried in the crook of Neil’s neck so Neil can hear his unrestrained moans better than he can the slapping of skin, the wet noises of lube and his slick.

It’s the loudest Andrew has ever been in bed and Neil is certain it has to do with his confession. The knowledge thrums hot under his skin. He could keep going for hours like this, fueled solely by Andrew’s noises.

But soon enough, Andrew tightens his arms and his hips jerk out of rhythm and he comes with Neil’s name on his lips.

Neil can feel every bit of Andrew’s cum filling him up, marking him from the inside. It’s all so much, he nearly tells Andrew he loves him again.

Andrew breathes a quiet, “Fuck,” into Neil’s ear. He thrusts shallowly into him one last time before pulling out completely. He keeps close, though, his hands moving to Neil’s ass, spreading him open as Andrew’s cum seeps out slowly from his cunt.

It’s too quiet and Neil hates that he can’t see Andrew’s face, see what’s hiding behind his apathetic mask.

Neil chances a look over his shoulder and his heart skips a beat.

He’s never seen his own face when he feels all warm and gooey inside while looking at Andrew but there’s something familiar in the way Andrew is staring at him that he dares think it’s love that Andrew’s feeling in that moment too.

“Did you mean it?”

Neil almost misses Andrew’s question, still lost in the stars in Andrew’s eyes, but he makes a questioning noise when it registers.

“What you said.” Andrew flicks his gaze up to Neil’s face and it almost burns, it’s so intense. “Earlier, that you—were you lying?”

For a brief, all-consuming second, all that Neil feels is rage. He knows why Andrew has to clarify, about all the false declarations of affection he’d been given in each new foster home only to have it revoked the second he wasn’t the picture perfect child and all of the senseless violence imposed on him under a warped and fictitious conception of love. It makes him want to needle out the names of every person who ever treated Andrew like that and lock them all in a burning building together to atone for their sins.

And then the feeling deflates as fast as it arrives. His anger doesn’t do either of them any good, especially when there’s nothing he can do about the cause of it. The least he can do now is love Andrew and make sure he knows without a doubt just how truthful and real Neil is.

“I stopped lying to you a long time ago,” is what Neil settles on.

He watches at hits Andrew—the tick of his jaw, the flutter of his lashes as he breaks eye contact but also the relaxing of his shoulders and reddening of the tips of his ears. He holds back his smile, mostly so he doesn’t overwhelm Andrew any more than he already is but he’s pretty sure he doesn’t do a good job of it, considering Andrew scowls at him.

And then Andrew goes quiet, his face blanks even as he still has fistfuls of Neil’s ass in his hands. It doesn’t fill Neil with confidence.

“Andrew?” When he doesn’t get a response, a terrible thought hits him. He hopes it’s not the case, but he won’t force Andrew into a position he doesn’t want to be in. “You know, it’s okay if you don’t say it back or—” Neil ignores the way his heart clenches. “—or if you don’t feel the same. I won’t—”

“Abram,” Andrew interrupts, voice thicker with emotion than Neil has ever heard him before. He kisses Neil’s shoulder before he says, “I need a couple minutes to get hard again and then I’m going to fuck you so good you won’t be able to think let alone say any more stupid shit.”

Heat sears through Neil’s body at the promise but he doesn’t have long to think because as soon as he finishes talking, Andrew readjusts his grip, spreading Neil wide and open, and slides down so he can lick Neil clean.

Later that day, when they’ve fucked themselves into exhaustion and they can’t do much more than curl up together on the couch to watch terrible reality television and order takeout, Neil has no doubts that Andrew loves him too.