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There was nothing about the playground that was inherently frightening. It was small and unassuming, and the way it was tucked between the tall fences which bordered the neighboring backyards invoked a safe, comfortable feeling of nostalgia. Mafuyu wondered whether she’d visited this park as a child, though she doubted it. Despite the feeling of familiarity, nothing struck her as particularly memorable, and while she could imagine her younger self playing here, she couldn’t remember a time when she’d actually done so.
Mafuyu obediently followed in tow as Kanade led her to the larger of the playground’s two towers. Soft mulch gave way beneath her feet, and then it was replaced with the gentle thrum of the weathered metal steps. She recalled that the equipment near her home had steps like these, constructed from thin metal sheets that were now beginning to rust, but those had clanged loudly beneath your shoes with each step. The ones she ascended now were too quiet, vibrating almost inaudibly against the railings. It filled Mafuyu with a deep sense of unease. Her feet felt heavy, and the park seemed far away, like she was climbing high enough to pass through the clouds and then continue, higher and higher and higher.
The upper landing came far too quickly, and Mafuyu’s stomach churned as she cleared the last step. Directly opposite her, Mafuyu’s eyes found the source of her fear. It was nothing special. The metal railing surrounding the small landing was periodically interrupted by the entrances to various playground staples—a slide, a ladder, a firepole—but at one end it just… stopped, and then resumed at the next corner, leaving a large enough gap for a person to step through.
There was darkness there, coiling up on either side of that stark opening, and though Mafuyu couldn’t see below the metal floor of the landing, it seemed as though that darkness stretched down, and down, and down. She bit her lip. It was nonsensical. Mafuyu knew that there was nothing beneath her except the layer of mulch a few feet down. This darkness wasn’t real; she told herself as much, at least, and had half a mind to step off the edge to prove it, the same way you flick the lightswitch to prove the shadowed figure in your bedroom is nothing more than the silhouette of a coat hanging off the door handle, but something stopped her. That throbbing darkness pulsed, egging her on, daring her to test it. It whispered to her, singing its promises in that familiar tune that she had heard so often before. It was something Mafuyu had once desired so intensely, and it tugged her closer, pulling so tightly it made her dizzy.
No, she tried to shake her head, I don’t want you anymore. I don’t want to go. Mafuyu told herself this over and over, but it was frightening how it still tempted her. That black, gaping hole opened itself before her again, baring its teeth in the same old smile. It was like it had never left. She considered the notion that it might never truly leave, and as she did so, Mafuyu was gripped by a deep feeling of despair.
She was vaguely aware of the brush of skin against her fingers, and looked down to see that Kanade had taken her hand and was watching her with concern.
“Are you alright?”
The question startled Mafuyu. Just a moment ago, she’d felt so far away, facing off solemnly against the gap in the railing; now, everything felt uncomfortably close, and she had to move out of the way of a child who dashed past her in his yellow bucket hat to hurl himself down the slide. It hadn’t even occurred to her until then that there were children playing here, though in hindsight, it was obvious that the playground would be teeming with them. Their gleeful laughter echoed around her. They were blissfully unaware of the darkness that Mafuyu was unable to ignore, and the thought made her feel utterly alone.
Kanade was still staring at her. She must be making some sort of face, Mafuyu realized, and she tried desperately to stuff her anguish back inside of her, but the darkness must have torn a hole there too, because as much as she tried to force it all in it kept leaking through her fingers and pooling in the crevices of her body and threatening to spill out from beneath her eyes. Another child ran past, and Mafuyu cast her gaze down to the metal floor to hide her face. Shame washed over her. Surrounded by these happy, faceless children, her fear felt like an ugly disease. She didn’t want them to see her cry.
“Mafuyu.”
Kanade’s voice rang out again. Mafuyu wanted to answer, to assure her that everything was fine, but she couldn’t find the words. She simply stood there, head hung, trying to steady her breathing, but no matter how much she focused on the simple expansion and deflation of her lungs the air spurted from her throat in short, panicked bursts.
She desperately wanted to leave, and Kanade must’ve understood, because she tugged her hand and guided her forward. Mafuyu allowed herself to be pulled along. It took a few steps for her to realize they were walking towards that terrible opening in the railing and Kanade meant to lead her straight through it. Scared, she tried to stop, to shake her head and say no, I don’t want to, but Kanade just turned and smiled at her as if to reassure her. It’ll be okay, she seemed to say. I won’t let you go.
There was a slight hint of pity in her expression; it was the type of smile Mafuyu was eager to avoid. On anyone else, it would make her stomach coil unpleasantly, and she would feel the urge to fix herself however was needed to wipe it away. On Kanade’s face, though, it felt like that trace of sadness was something she could bear to walk alongside. It was almost comforting, like they shared that small, somber burden between the two of them.
The gentle weight of Kanade’s hand comforted Mafuyu enough to keep going. A sense of warmth had started to spread through her, starting from the tips of her fingers and coursing through the rest of her body. It filled her up slowly, and then it clicked suddenly, like the flip of a switch. All at once, Mafuyu decided she was in safe hands. Kanade wouldn’t lead her astray.
Even knowing this, her body continued to shiver as they walked. Mafuyu wasn’t sure when they’d passed through the opening and into the darkness, but they were now crossing a long rope bridge. The metal boards jingled against the chains that held them together, and through the cracks beneath her feet, she could see nothing but darkness. It was not black, as she would’ve expected, but just… gray, like everything had been erased except her next step, and the next, and the next. Mafuyu held more tightly to Kanade’s hand. She was worried that if she let go, she might disappear into that void herself.
To her relief, Kanade squeezed her hand back. Mafuyu forced her eyes shut and poured her focus into the light pressure on her palm, the feeling of skin on skin, the dampness of the perspiration that rubbed between them—
“Mafuyu?”
She blinked, opening her eyes again. The sunlight poured in from above. It took a moment to adjust to the sudden light, but she soon saw they’d reached the other tower of the playground. Kanade had started to descend the steps but paused to look back, waiting for Mafuyu to follow.
When her feet sank into the mulch again, the adrenaline dissipated from her body, and Mafuyu nearly fell to her knees. Kanade was just able to catch her, albeit with a grunt of exertion, but she didn’t complain as she half-carried Mafuyu to the edge of the playground and set her down at the edge of the grass.
After a moment of heavy panting, Kanade turned to her and asked, “Are you okay?”
Mafuyu wasn’t sure how to respond to this. Physically, she was okay, yes, but she was deeply shaken by what had just transpired. It all felt very real, though not in the sense that Mafuyu believed it’d actually happened—no, she was growing quite certain that none of this was based in reality at all—but that it seemed to resonate with some truth buried deep inside her.
The image of two alternating frequencies came to mind, one emanating from the darkness she’d just encountered and the other pulsing beneath her skin. They operated at different speeds and wavelengths, but at points they coalesced into one uniform, beating heart, and she could feel those pinpricks of clarity forming just out of reach.
They were the eyes of the storm.
Mafuyu felt them peering into her, and she cowered into herself. The way these eyes watched her felt deeply unnerving. They dissected her slowly and carefully, and Mafuyu was aware of the most fundamental truths of her person being extracted and laid bare in those tiny, vacant cores.
She had been searching for something like this for a long time, but now that it was right in front of her, Mafuyu couldn’t bring herself to look. The idea of truly knowing herself had become suddenly terrifying. She curled up, looking for some kind of escape from the brewing storm, and her head found its way to Kanade’s lap.
It’d been a long time since she’d been held like this. Perhaps when she was a child quivering in fright from the thunderstorm outside, her mother might’ve cradled her in the warmth of her arms and soothed her and kept her safe. Now, Kanade brushed a hand through her hair, untangling the messy curls with tiny tugs, and Mafuyu fixated her thoughts on those short sensations. She was a balloon whose string was threaded through Kanade’s fingers, and they anchored her so that she would not drift away into panic. Her breathing slowed and steadied itself as she allowed the warmth of Kanade’s body to grant her reprieve.
If it were anyone else, Mafuyu would not have allowed herself this moment of weakness. She would not be able to bear it. Kanade was different, though Mafuyu didn’t know why her kindness was not intolerable. The answer was probably written somewhere amidst the pockets of truth that continued to bubble up inside of her like boiling water, if only she could bring herself to seek it out.
She wanted to look for the words that would define herself, if only so she could tell them to Kanade. Mafuyu would be brave for her, and then for herself. Immersed in this gentle, clairvoyant warmth, the darkness that enveloped her just moments before now felt so far away. If she was ever going to find the courage not only to look but to speak, it was going to be now.
Mafuyu opened her eyes to look. What met her was not the linings of her heart but the black ceiling of her bedroom. Next to her, the alarm clock buzzed impatiently, and she instinctively reached over to shut it off.
She was awake.
The sensations of the dream still clutched Mafuyu’s chest, but they were already beginning to slip away. She could feel the words she’d been about to say still sitting in her throat, and she twisted around on the bed, desperate to voice them, to give them substance—but Kanade was not there. Her bed lay cold and empty, and as the words choked to dust in her throat, she just as quickly forgot what it was she’d wanted to say.
The pang of loss struck her, and her eyes began to spill over with silent tears. It was frustrating. Mafuyu was missing a piece that always seemed just out of reach, one which danced at the edges of her mind and on the tip of her tongue, and she’d finally held in her hands only for it to crumble to pieces against her skin.
When her cheeks had dried, she moved to her desk and produced a sheet of paper and a pen. This was all she could do. Of course, the stagnant lines of a song could never be enough to encompass everything she was, but there was the nagging feeling that if she could capture even a sliver of herself on the page, that would be enough.
With a deep breath, Mafuyu began to write.