Archive of Our Own

In senior year, Janis 'Imi'ike's deepest, darkest fantasy came true, and it basically ruined her life.

Okay, wait, let's go back a little bit.

Regina George had felt inevitable. They both knew what they were doing, even if they couldn't say it. They were obsessed with each other, spent every minute they could with one another. They had so many in jokes that it was their own secret language, something just theirs, that nobody else understood. They shared little touches, little looks, little moments, and all of them were little promises.

Janis's stomach tied itself in knots any time she thought about her. Pretty Regina, who was suddenly turning everyone's heads. But if everyone was looking at Regina, Regina was looking at Janis. That was all that mattered.

Janis hadn't even cared that basically nothing had happened yet. Actually, that was almost better. There was a torture to the anticipation, but the inevitability took all the edge off. It was like hovering at the edge of a kiss, the moment when you're sure it's going to happen, and you're just waiting to see who closes the gap first.

Hugs lingered too long. When they hung out, they touched a little too much, sat a little too closely entwined. When Regina looked at her, it was a little too focused, and her eyes kept darting to Janis's lips. They were both wondering when they'd kiss. When, not if. And she was sure once they did, neither of them were going to want to stop.

But then it went all wrong. What was supposed to happen was that Janis would make her move in any of those private moments, in their sleepovers, or when they cut class together. They'd have their first, heart-pounding kiss and then everything would be perfect. Regina would be free to be the real Regina, and they'd kiss until they were breathless, and Janis would ask, "Do you want to be girlfriends?" And Regina would nod shyly. Maybe she'd insist that it be secret, but they would be each other's and that would be more than enough.

But instead, their first (and only) kiss came in a game of spin the bottle, with everyone looking at Regina, and seeing Regina look at Janis, and Regina had freaked the fuck out.

Inevitable became impossible.

Even though Regina basically ruined her life, at first, Janis still fantasized about getting her back. She imagined how Regina would come to her, and say that she messed up everything, and Janis would tell her that it wasn't too late to fix things. Regina would admit everything to everyone, and it would be okay again, it would be perfect. A stupid little fantasy to cope with what happened.

Once Janis couldn't even pretend that was possible, the fantasies shifted. Regina would show up, broken and begging for Janis to take her back. Janis would tell her the only way that could happen is if Regina came out, and Regina would want her so bad that she'd do it. It'd fuck up Regina's life —she deserved it, and Janis relished it, to be honest— but she'd do it anyway.

As much as Janis hated Regina, some part of her always nursed those fantasies. They shifted over time, a series of compromises as her hopes for Regina George sunk lower and lower. But some part of her, hidden and secret, couldn't give up on the idea of Regina admitting that she regretted everything and coming out for Janis.

By junior year, it was basically down to just a sex fantasy. Janis didn't have any hope of Regina ever admitting that they'd had something real. Instead, in those secret fantasies, Regina would come and beg for her, and Janis would channel all her anger into some incredibly hot hate sex, and then out Regina afterwards anyway, because fuck her.

And then in the post-orgasm clarity, Janis would feel guilty about thinking about Regina that way, and about outing someone even in a jerk-off fantasy, and she'd pretend she hadn't thought about it at all. Until Regina would wear something that chipped away at her self control, and she'd end up back in her shameful little fantasies, making Regina beg for it.

Yeah, the fantasies took a lot of forms. Sometimes she'd go weeks at a time without thinking about it at all. But deep down, they were always there.

And then, in senior year it happened, and it ruined everything. Because in senior year, Janis's deepest, darkest fantasy came true. It's just that it came true for Cady Heron.

"Caddy, what the fuck?" Janis snapped.

Cady blushed on the other side of the cafeteria table, staring at her chili like it was the most interesting thing in the world. "I don't know!" she hissed. "I just— we're friends, we've been hanging out, and— It's not like I led her on or anything!" She hung her head for a second and exhaled slowly.

Janis was trying —trying really hard!— not to hate her. It, like, wasn't her fault at all. Cady was right, she hadn't done anything to lead Regina on. She was straight, for fuck's sake. She was literally dating Aaron Samuels.

It was kind of hard not to, though. It was like Janis had been salivating over a juicy steak for years, and then somehow it had been given to her vegan friend. It was wasteful, okay? There were starving lesbians here.

"I still don't understand what even happened," Damian said. "This is all too much. The drama. The chaos."

Cady sighed. "We were just hanging out by the track field, and I was asking her about if Aaron sucked at texting when they were dating. Because he kind of does now, and I just wanted to know." She stabbed her chili with her spoon to emphasize the point. "And I was complaining, I guess, and she said he didn't deserve me. And I was like, 'you're just saying that to be nice,' and she was like, 'no, I'm really not,' and I was like, 'whatever,' and then she was all, 'Cady, you know I've had a crush on you since junior year, right?' And… no? I didn't know that, hello?"

"It does explain a lot, though," Damian said.

"No it doesn't!" Janis snarled, and Damian raised his hands in surrender.

"That's what I said, though," Cady explained. "Like, I said how I didn't even know she liked girls. And she said, 'Well, I do, I'm a lesbian.' " Then, for a second, her memory got ahead of where she was in the story and she blushed faintly. "And she basically said, um," she cleared her throat, "she said how when she says nice things about me, she always means them, because to her…" She trailed off, stirring her chili that she still hadn't taken a bite of.

Janis let a frustrated breath out, and despite knowing better, she pressed, "To her, what?"

Cady glanced up at Janis looking almost apologetic, and blushing deeper. "To her, I'm perfect."

Damian covered his heart with a hand. "I always knew there was a romantic under all that couture."

"So, what, she expects you to dump Aaron for her?" Janis hated the question as soon as she asked it, because any answer would just piss her off more.

"No," Cady said. "She said she knew that I'm straight and that I didn't like her that way, and she just had to say it. And I thought it was just between us, or whatever, but I guess after that she like… came out came out. To everyone. And now because of Gretchen, everyone knows it was because of me."

"Well," Damian made a face. "I think people would have put it together without Gretchen Wieners' help."

"Damian!" Janis scolded.

"What?" he said. "She is like obsessed with her." Then he waggled his fork in Cady's direction. "Actually, you're both kind of obsessed with each other. But we know you're doing it in a straight way and we respect that. You're doing sapphic yearning hetero style, it's camp."

"I'm not obsessed with her," Cady protested.

Damian leaned forward. "What did she wear on Tuesday?"

Cady made a face. "Okay, well, that's not a fair example, because she was wearing her leather pants and jacket on Tuesday and everyone notices when she does that."

For a moment, Damian narrowed his eyes at her. Then, "True," he conceded.

And Janis had noticed, obviously, and it had sent her into another bout of fucked up Regina fantasies, but she didn't have time to think about that right now.

"This sucks," Cady whined.

That pushed Janis past the point of self control. Because like, oh, really? Wow, Cady, having the hottest girl at school confess her undying love and come out for you must be so hard, I can't even imagine! That must be the worst lesbian interaction anyone has ever had with Regina George.

Cady was still talking, though. "What if this messes up our friendship? We've kinda just got back to being cool." She bit her lip. "Do I hug her too much? She's not, like, normally a hugger, I know, but she actually gives really, really good hugs. But I didn't mean to, like, seduce her, or anything."

Damian reached over and squeezed one of Cady's hands. "I think this is more a Regina thing than a you thing, sweetie. I mean, she must have been hiding this since at least—"

He stopped mid sentence, and they both turned to look at Janis. And boy, did she fucking hate that. Cady's eyes widened, a little pity seeping into her expression that made Janis want to scream. Instead, she just snarled, "That bitch!" and stormed off.

The one saving grace of the whole situation was that nothing was going to happen. Cady had spent forever pining over Aaron Samuels, and she finally had him, so Regina could get used to being the one fantasizing about someone she couldn't have.

Janis tried to take some pleasure in that, at least. There were few things in the world that made her happier than the suffering of Regina George.

At least, that would have been true if Regina had had the common decency to suffer.

But she wasn't, really. She and Cady were back to being just as obsessed with each other as they had been in junior year, back when Cady wouldn't shut the fuck up about her and even Janis had gotten bored of it. And it took a lot to make Janis bored of bitching about Regina. Janis had to see them in the halls together, Regina leaning in, all big, toothy smiles, and Cady looking up, all soft, self-conscious blushes.

It did look like they were flirting, honestly. It was gross.

Regina was even going to Cady's mathletes meets. Kevin G had told Janis that it was sort of their secret weapon, since most mathletes were dudes who were completely incapable of being in the presence of a girl like Regina. All they'd had to do is get Cady to ask her to sit where the other team was facing her, and North Shore wasn't. But Regina had really leaned into it, choosing outfits with the obvious intention of being as distracting as possible.

It turned out Regina George in a miniskirt could really slow down how fast some guys did math.

Which, cool, great for them, fight dirty, except that now if Janis wanted to show up to support Cady, she had to deal with Regina George in a fucking miniskirt.

Really, it was like they were trying to fuck with Janis. Not only was she being denied Regina's suffering, but she was also being tormented by watching Regina flaunt how hot and evil she was. But, fuck, at least nothing was going to happen. Regina could pine over a straight girl (classic lesbian experience) and be hot but celibate. Janis could deal with that. If Regina had sex with a girl before Janis did, after everything that had happened, Janis was gonna flip her shit. She'd file a complaint with whatever the authority on lesbianism was. Elvira, maybe.

They were just leaving one of the mathletes meets, and Janis was considering how hard she'd have to hit her head against the wall to forget the deep V-neck sweater Regina had been wearing. Regina had gone to grab the jeep, because of course Cady was riding home with her instead of them, and Damian turned to look at her.

"So is your boytoy ever showing up to one of these?" he asked.

Janis rolled her eyes. "C'mon, Damian, I know like two things about Aaron and one of them is that he isn't good at math."

Damian nodded sagely. "Well, neither am I, and neither are you, and neither is Regina, but we are all here to support our little nerd girl."

That got a giggle out of Cady, but then it faded and she looked a little more serious. "Actually, um, Aaron and I broke up."

Janis wheeled on her. "What?"

"Didn't realize we had an Aaron fan," Damian muttered, sotto voce.

Cady looked down at her feet and shrugged. "It kinda… wasn't what I expected? The long distance was hard, too, and I think maybe I liked the idea of him better than the real thing." She blushed, and then added, "Also, like, I was kinda into him because he was so hot, but then he wasn't really a very good kisser, so that whole, uh, part, wasn't as much fun as I'd hoped."

"So you dumped him?" Damian asked, trying to gauge how sympathetic he needed to be.

"Yeah," Cady said. "Sorry I didn't say anything, you both helped me so much with getting him, I didn't want you to feel like you wasted your time."

Janis shrugged, trying hard not to let on how this information was hitting her brain. "Fucking with Regina is its own reward," she said. "Even though you're friends now, or whatever. Really bad idea, but you do you."

"And learning what you're not into can be as important as learning what you are into. For example—"

If Damian was going where Janis thought he was going with this, she was going to kick him. But fortunately, he was interrupted by Regina pulling to a stop in front of them in her jeep. "Get in, loser," she grinned at Cady.

And then, fuck, that sweater again! Janis averted her gaze like it was the Arc of the fucking Covenant or something. Then she was vaguely aware that Cady was saying goodbye and climbing into the jeep.

Janis exhaled through clenched teeth. "See you later, Caddy." And then they were gone.

Ugh. Fuck Aaron Samuels for not being less boring, she thought. But, hey, nothing was going to happen, right? Right?

Janis was not jealous. She just wasn't.

Jealous would imply that she wanted to be with either of them, and she absolutely did not. Her desires were very clear. She wanted Cady to go be straight with some boring straight boy, preferably a very rich one who would be away a lot, so they could use his stuff and Janis wouldn't have to interact with him. And she wanted to have sex with Regina two to five times and then dropkick her into an active volcano. But she didn't want to date either of them.

Not that they were dating.

But from the outside, you could be excused for not knowing that. They were around each other constantly, looking at each other constantly, and basically flirting non-stop.

Cady was kind of dense about that shit, stupid when it came to love, but Janis was starting to wonder if she actually knew what she was doing. Regina definitely did.

And since they were with each other all the time, that meant Janis was around Regina way more than she wanted to be. (Which, again, was very little, exclusively naked, and then magma-punt.)

After about the third time they ended up hanging out together, Regina caught Janis alone in Cady's kitchen. "Can we talk?" she said.

"We really don't need to," Janis said. "You're friends with Caddy, I'm friends with Caddy, it's cool, we don't have to be friends with each other."

"Oh, god," Regina said. "We're not gonna be friends. Obviously. I just want to clear the air, or whatever."

Janis leaned back against the counter, crossed her arms, and glared at her, feeling immensely relieved that Regina was wearing a cardigan and tee and not anything more distracting. She really wanted to focus on hating her, you know, give that one hundred percent of her attention. Regina deserved her undivided contempt. "Okay." She shrugged. "I hate you."

Regina rolled her eyes. "After last year, I kind of hate you, too."

She shrugged. "Seems like you're over it when it comes to Caddy."

That earned her a long, scrutinizing stare. It kinda wigged Janis out, like somehow Regina was going to see something she wasn't supposed to. But eventually, Regina said, "It took work for us to sort that shit out. For example, she apologized."

Janis laughed at that, loud and mean. "Oh, you first, bitch."

Regina scoffed. "For sixth grade? You don't think any part of this year has shed some light on what happened?"

"I already knew you were a big fat lesbian, Regina, I didn't need you to declare your undying love for a straight girl to figure that out."

"Okay," Regina sighed. "So then you know why I did what I did."

That wasn't even remotely an apology, so if Regina thought she was going to get one, she was dead fucking wrong. "Yeah, obviously," she spat. "You were a fucking coward, and you decided to ruin my life instead of admitting you had feelings for me."

But Regina didn't recoil at all, looking Janis directly in the eyes. "And you saw first hand how my mom talks about my weight and still told Cady to cram me full of kalteen bars. So maybe we both got what we deserved, Jan."

Janis stepped toward her, one finger pointed forward. "You went first. If I'm a bitch, it's because that's what you made me."

Regina narrowed her eyes and puffed out her chest. "When are you going to stop blaming your entire life on a shitty joke I played in middle school?"

Then Janis was jabbing her finger into Regina's chest, glaring daggers at her. "Maybe as soon as you stop acting like you're still in middle school."

Her finger dug in, hard enough to bruise, but Regina just stepped forward, forcing her back, meeting her glare. Janis tried to set herself, and it meant that Regina was fully in her space. And some shitty part of Janis's brain helpfully informed her that, hey, she was standing really close. It would be so easy to just close the gap and kiss her. She willed herself not to look at her lips. It would be a really bad idea to look at her lips.

"I've done my crying about you, Jan," Regina said, blissfully unaware of what Janis's mind was doing. "And I'm sorry about what happened in sixth grade, okay? If that's what you've been waiting to hear, there it is. I was freaked out, and it was fucked up, and I'm trying not to be that bitch, anymore.

"You really fucked up my life, too. If you wanted to get back at me, congratulations, I spent months feeling like a beached whale in a neck brace thanks to you. So let's call it even, and you can stop trying to mess things up between Cady and me."

"I could give a shit about Caddy and you, Regina," she lied. "Chase all the straight girls you want. Just don't ask me to pretend like you're not a wretched sea hag."

Something passed through Regina's expression when Janis said that, and her lips curled into a condescending smirk. "Great. Happy to know where we stand." And she turned and stormed out.

Weirdly, that did kind of clear the air. Janis and Regina were both the type to be happier knowing for sure that someone hated them than to have some lingering doubt. It let them know how they needed to interact when they were in the same space. Or, more accurately, not interact. They could just pretend the other person didn't exist.

That suited Janis just fine, since avoiding looking at Regina was a good idea for other reasons, as well.

Cady kept bringing her around, though, like she was hoping they'd bond after all. And Damian, that traitor, did start to get along with Regina, which only encouraged her more. It was sickening, honestly, that only Janis could see how obviously wrong this all was. It was fine, though, and it would keep being fine as long as nothing happened.

Janis kind of fucking hated school dances, though. She didn't like getting dolled up, and there were really only so many ironic tuxes that a girl could wear. She could've started wearing unironic tuxes, maybe, but honestly, unironic wasn't really her vibe.

But Cady had really twisted their arms into going to the holiday dance with her, since she didn't have a date, so she and Damian had decided on some outfits they were calling 'chaos Santa and elf' that were delivering an appropriate level of irony without overdoing the tux thing.

It made the dance slightly more tolerable.

What was making it less tolerable was how Cady was hanging around Regina. Regina was wearing some pink dress, not festive and not ironic, which showed a lot of shoulders, and back, and leg, and honestly just a lot, like, they got it, Regina, you've got a banging body or whatever. And Cady was just lingering around her like she was just so interesting, and it made Janis feel even more bitter that she'd talked them into coming.

They were hanging out near the punch bowl, which had little candy canes floating in it in a way that someone had thought would be charming, but made the actual drink seem like it would be completely revolting. Janis was trying to bully Damian into drinking some.

Suddenly Damian's jaw dropped as he stared over Janis's shoulder. She turned to look and—

What. The. Fuck.

Regina and Cady were out together on the dance floor. And, sure, friends danced sometimes, it didn't necessarily mean anything. Except this wasn't that. Regina's hands were wrapped around Cady's waist, clutching her close. Cady's arms were draped over Regina's shoulders, fingertips running slowly along the nape of her neck. And Cady's eyes kept darting down to Regina's lips, her blush growing as Regina spoke, inaudible over the music.

There was a playful, flirtatious glint in Regina's eyes, her hands stroking gently up and down Cady's lower back, and it made Cady shift even closer. Then Cady tilted her head just a little and licked her lip. Regina leaned in, closer, closer, until their lips were almost brushing. With a little push onto her toes, Cady closed the last tiny distance and kissed her. For a second, they stood frozen just like that, wrapped up in each other on the dance floor. Then Regina clutched her tighter, pulled her closer, parted her lips and—

Janis was bolting for the door. She had a migraine, suddenly, and she was also maybe going to throw up, and dances were stupid, anyway.

Fuck, it was cold out. She managed to storm out about halfway to the parking lot before she was freezing and she turned around and stormed back in to where Damian was waiting.

"Can we go?" she asked before he could speak. Her tone was strained enough that he got the message, and they grabbed their coats and headed for his car.

He gave her about ten minutes of brooding before he said, "So, we're having kind of a big reaction."

"Well, what the fuck, Damian!" she snapped. "She's straight, isn't she?"

"Evidently less straight than previously believed."

She glared at him, and then turned to glare out the window at the world, which she honestly hated more than she hated Damian.

"Obviously I support whatever we're mad about," Damian clarified, "but just so I know who I'm hating right now, are we jealous of Cady or Regina?"

"I'm not jealous!"

"Girl," Damian chided.

Janis exhaled slowly, her breath fogging on the window. "It's not like I want to be with her, or anything. She's an evil bitch and I hate her, and I always will. But like… we had this whole thing! She ruined my life because she was so closeted! So like, how is she suddenly out and okay with it and kissing Caddy?"

The little brow furrow that Damian did was way too authentic for Janis's taste. Authentic sympathy from Damian meant that she was really in the pits now.

"Also, like, didn't Caddy already do the whole 'school slow dance first kiss' thing with Aaron? You should only get one of those, and she wasted it. Tough shit. She definitely shouldn't get one with Regina George when she's not even gay." She emphasized her point with an angry huff.

Damian pursed his lips. "It is a little gauche to go back to that well. Although there's something to be said about a do-over but make it gay, so, I don't know. I could go either way." He paused, and then, "Like Cady, apparently."

"Damian!"

"Okay, okay." He pulled into the parking lot of a strip mall and found a spot, turning to face her. "How long?"

She refused to look at him. "How long what?"

That made him roll his eyes. "How long have you been carrying a torch for Regina, girl?"

"I'm not!" The look on his face was unpersuaded, so she added, "It's not a torch, okay, it's barely a match. I just… We were going to happen, and then we didn't, and I never got closure or whatever. She owes me, like, something, I don't know. But it's bullshit that she just gets a Hallmark lesbian romance with Caddy." She paused for a second, and then turned to look at Damian more directly. "Can we ruin her life again? Please?"

"No," Damian said, instantly. "She ruined your life once, we ruined hers once, that's Even Steven. Don't go messing with bad karma."

"Well, this is ruining my life again!"

"You know that's not the same thing, honey," he said. But then he frowned again and took her hand, squeezing it reassuringly. "It isn't fair. You are allowed to be pissed off. You know this isn't Cady's fault, though, right?"

"It kind of is!" she hissed. "If she wasn't so…" She gestured vaguely and then let out a defeated sigh.

"Speak your mind, girl. You know I am always on your side. Even if you are losing your mind right now." His eyes were warm and comforting, and he said, "I'll lose it with you, you know that. Let's get crazy."

Janis sighed, and for a moment she let herself feel it all, let her guard down. God, the sight of that kiss was eating at her. Soft blushes, longing looks, gentle fingers pulling each other closer until their lips met. It was all so familiar, except that this time it ended in a fairy tale kiss instead of sobbing under the covers. "It should have been me," she said, finally.

She really hated the way Damian was looking at her, now, though. Way too much pity. "I don't even think I want to be with her, but that kiss? That was supposed to be my kiss."

"You were Regina's first kiss," he reminded her.

"Yeah, some shitty spin-the-bottle performance that ruined my life. It sucked. That kiss Caddy got was perfect, and it was mine. She stole it."

"She did not steal it."

"Well, kinda!" she pouted. God, she hated it when Damian was reasonable. What use did she have for reasonable? Then, before she could continue, her phone buzzed.

Cady had messaged the group chat. Honestly, some part of Janis hoped that she was mad they'd disappeared, that her feelings were hurt and her ride was missing. But then she looked at the messages.

Cady: Hey. Don't see you guys around!

Cady: It's okay, though, in case I don't see you, I'm gonna get a ride home with Regina, so don't wait around for me! <3

She stared.

She fucking stared.

Damian had seen it, too, and he opened his mouth to speak, but Janis beat him to it.

"Is she gonna fuck Regina George?!"

"Now," Damian started, his tone placating. "I don't think Cady's the type of girl to put out on the first date. She's probably literally getting a ride."

"Well she's not the type of girl to date a girl either, but look what's happening!" Janis felt like she was going insane. How was any of this happening? This was clearly unacceptable. She was going to wake up any minute, for sure.

"Okay," Damian said. "We're going to go to your studio, you're gonna get this all out on the canvas, and by tomorrow you're gonna feel better, okay?"

She glared, and scowled, and tried to set his head on fire with her brain, and when she finally accepted it wasn't going to work, she said, "Fine."

And okay, it did help, and she ended up back in the studio a few more times before the next time they saw Cady. She had gotten it out of her system, she thought. Until a few days after Christmas when Cady swung by for movie night.

"Hey!" she waved as she walked in, setting down her backpack and opening it to get some snacks out. "I brought twizzlers, leftover Christmas cookies, and my mom made some oat clusters, and— What?"

They were both staring at her, and she blinked up at them with that stupid, innocent look on her face.

"Big night at the dance," Damian said, finally.

"Oh," she breathed. Then she bit her lip and blushed, looking back down at her bag as a warm smile crossed her face. "Yeah, I didn't expect that. I wasn't even totally sure I wanted it to happen, until suddenly we were dancing, and I realized, like, oh my god, this is the prettiest girl in the entire world, why am I hesitating?" She gave a dreamy sigh and skipped the distance to the couch, falling into it and giving a giddy giggle.

What in the actual fuck was this Disney princess bullshit?

But before Janis could say anything, Cady kept talking. "And, like, I said before, Aaron wasn't a very good kisser. But I thought, y'know, maybe that was a me problem. Like maybe I don't like kissing that much." She bit into a twizzler and kept talking with her mouth full. "Like I only recently found out that I like girls, but what if I have other identities I don't know about. I could be asexual, right?"

Damian nodded slowly, and Janis sunk further down into her position on the recliner, hoping it might swallow her up entirely.

"Or whatever asexual but just for kissing is, maybe. Akissual? Whatever. But, you guys, I like kissing so much. She only kissed me for a little bit on the dance floor, but then I couldn't find you guys, which I'm sorry about, I really didn't mean to bail."

Janis shot Damian a glare before he could open his mouth to explain. Cady was in full verbal diarrhea mode, there was no reason to stop her.

"So she gave me a ride home, and I gave her a kiss goodnight, and it turned into a lot of kisses goodnight, and then we kind of, like, made out for a while and I got to first-and-a-half base, and then she said that we should stop before I got too thirsty, which was so sweet because I was definitely thinking about diving into territory that I was not ready for, and now we're going to go on a date on Friday."

Then she looked between them, eyes bright and eager, like she expected some kind of a review for her story.

Janis spoke first. "Okay, but you remember how she's a monster, right?"

Cady frowned at that. "People can change," she said. "Especially when they go through traumatic events, and last year was definitely traumatic for her."'

"Wow," Janis deadpanned, "I can't imagine."

"I think what Janis means," Damian stressed, "is that we would like for you to be careful, okay, babygirl?"

A bit of the joy disappeared from Cady's face, which Janis felt almost bad about. But she said, "She's been really patient with me, and she was totally respectful when we were making out, even though I kinda didn't want her to be." Then she blushed and added, "Like, I think I really would have liked it if she was a bit less respectful."

Damian covered his ears.

Janis was clenching her jaw so hard she could have bitten through steel, but somehow she managed to say, "Just don't forget who she is, okay, Caddy?" And then reached for the remote to start the movie.

They just started fucking dating, which was insane. Like, someone should have stepped in, for sure, but nobody did. But it did mean that Janis had to look at them less. That really should have been a big perk. Except it was mainly because whatever they were doing was happening in private, and if Janis let herself think about that she hated it, but she just didn't let herself think about it, which was definitely the healthiest way to cope. So it was fine.

Then it was a grey day in mid February, and they were hanging out at the studio when Cady came by. Janis was in the middle of taking a painting off the frame to stitch onto while Damian scrolled on his phone and occasionally provided "direction." So Cady let herself in and strolled in with a little wave.

"Hey, what's new?"

Damian took one quick glance at her and then put his phone down. The mood of the room shifted. He stared at her, peered, even, so intensely that Cady went rigid. "Something's different."

Cady blinked and froze, like a deer in headlights. "What?"

"With you," he said. His eyes narrowed.

She laughed uncomfortably. "I don't think so. I'm still just me."

Janis turned and looked, too. Cady was dressed like she'd dressed back when she was not-so-fake Plastic, back in skirts and tank tops and dark makeup. Well, it wasn't quite the same, the makeup was a little lighter and the clothes a little more Cady and a little less wannabe sexy. Like a hybrid between regular Cady and Plastic Cady.

Microplastic Cady.

But that wasn't what was new. She'd been doing that for, like, a month now. Janis would have blamed Regina for it, except that Regina seemed to like nerdy Cady even more than Microplastic Cady. So this was something Cady was doing.

There was something different, though. Something in the way she was standing, and the way she was avoiding eye contact.

"He's right," she said.

Cady went paler, and shook her head vigorously. "Nothing happened."

Then Damian stood and paced around her. "I did not say something happened, I said something was different."

"Which means something did happen," Janis concluded.

"Oh my god, you two are so weird," Cady whined. "Can you not interrogate me?"

Damian sighed dramatically. "I thought we were friends, and now you can't even talk to us. Lesbianism has changed you, Cady Heron."

But that made her blush suddenly, and, oh, then it clicked into place. Janis felt like a cannon had just blown a hole in her stomach.

"You had sex," she said.

Cady's jaw dropped, and she looked at Janis with wide eyes. It was instant confirmation that Janis was right. "Literally, how can you tell that?"

"It's an aura," Damian said, wilfully ignoring the thousand yard stare Janis was giving. "But oh my God. Lesbianism really has changed you for real."

Bile was building up in Janis's stomach. This was wrong, somehow. This wasn't a thing that happened. Something was wrong, here, and she just had to find what it was. Her brain grabbed the first answer it could find. "If she pressured you—"

"She didn't," Cady insisted, surging forward to grab Janis's hand reassuringly. "I know you think she's like the worst ever, but she's really good to me, Jan. She knew it was my first time, and it was Valentine's, and it was super romantic, candles everywhere, she was so sweet, and it was absolutely perfect, I promise. She didn't do anything that I didn't really, really, really want her to do."

"I would be happy with less detail," Damian volunteered.

Janis ignored him. Her ears were ringing. "Okay, well," she paused, trying to put her brain back together. Her mouth was so dry it was hard to speak. "That's… cool. Great. I'm happy for you."

Cady winced. The poor girl could tell that Janis was upset, but still, she hadn't managed to put together why. "What she did to you was terrible, I know. And she knows that, too, okay? But she's not like that anymore. She's honestly been so patient, and caring, and she's made me feel so safe. I've been figuring myself out, and every step of the way, she's made sure I'm okay." She squeezed Janis's hand. "I know you worry about me, and I'm really grateful. But trust me, she's been perfect, and it was perfect. I can't imagine a better first time." And then she blushed to herself, and softly added, "Or second or third."

Damian was wincing, bracing himself. He fully took a step back, trying to get out of the blast radius.

"Why?" Janis whispered.

Cady blinked, not understanding. "Why… can't I imagine?"

None of this was Cady's fault.

It wasn't Cady's fault.

It just wasn't.

But something was surging up from Janis's stomach.

Word vomit.

Janis's face hardened into a razor scowl. "Why do you get Valentine's Day and candles and love, and I get outed and blue balls and watching someone else be happy? What makes you so fucking special that Regina comes out for you before you even know you like girls, when she couldn't come out for me when we were in love with each other?"

She threw her hands out to the sides, stalking toward Cady in a way that made the girl stumble backward. "Did I just need to throw myself at some boring asshole she used to date? Should I have droned on about lions long past the point that everyone had stopped listening? Is it a ginger thing? What? Like, help me out here, Caddy, because I'm just trying to figure out what it is I don't have that means that you get everything and it's perfect, and the only way I get fucked is metaphorically!"

Cady's jaw was hanging open, terror and hurt in her eyes, and Janis had to admit that, maybe, just maybe, she did not have the moral high ground in this interaction.

Damian's hands closed on her shoulders, and he guided her back away from Cady. "I think we need a minute for tempers to cool."

Tears were forming at the corners of Cady's big, blue eyes. She stared at Janis, obviously trying so hard to process what had just happened. Her lips moved, mouthing an, "I'm sorry," that she really shouldn't have said, and some part of her brain clearly knew that, because no sound came out. Then she turned and bolted.

"Fuck!" Janis shouted, and tried to pace away, but Damian just pulled her close and hugged her. She hit him, and tried to push away, but his big arms were all around her, and then she was sobbing into his chest.

It should have felt good to let it out.

It kinda just felt like Regina George was ruining her life, again.

Eventually, Damian spoke. "You know that girl didn't deserve that, right?"

Janis sighed and slipped out of his arms. "Yeah." She rubbed her face. "I hate this. Why couldn't Regina just do the normal closeted thing of becoming a right wing politician and campaigning against gay rights?"

"It's selfish of her," Damian agreed.

"How do I make this up to Caddy?"

Damian pursed his lips. "I'm not sure, but I suspect it includes a lot of listening to her talk about lions."

Janis put her head in her hands. "Fuck my life."

Documentaries, ice cream, and eating crow.

Janis sat on the floor of Cady's room, with Cady on the bed behind her, the laptop on her dresser droning on about the hunting habits of some kind of big cat, and oh, would you look at that, they chase animals down and eat them. Didn't see that coming. Riveting shit, really.

But it was getting the point across. The point being, "I was a bitch, and I'm sorry I was a bitch, and your happiness is important to me." So important that they were on their third documentary, and this had to be against the Geneva Conventions.

Then Cady paused it. Silence lingered for a second, and Cady's voice came softly. "You know I didn't realize it was hurting you, right?"

Janis didn't look back. "You don't have to make your decisions based on what does or doesn't piss me off, anyway, Caddy. I've got no right to tell you who you can bone."

"Can you explain it to me?"

Which was such an annoying thing to ask. She tilted her head back and sighed. "I'm not sure I can explain it to me. I really fucking hate her. But I still kinda feel like she owes me something. And, like, I've hated her for years but there's still little holdout soldiers in the far corners of my brain that haven't heard the war is over, and when they see her, they think, 'Hey, that's our girlfriend.'"

She could hear Cady shifting around a little, and she still didn't look at her. "I guess that would be confusing," she said. And then, quiet but firm, "She's my girlfriend, though."

Janis laughed. "I know, Caddy, you can have her, trust me." Her fingers ran over one of the rips in her jeans, tugging lightly at one of the threads. "It just bugs me seeing her get to be happy and gay with a girl after what happened with us, and you two seem pretty fuckin' happy and gay. But that's my shit, okay?"

A pair of arms descended from the bed above her, Cady pulling her back against it in a weird sort of hug. "We are," she confirmed. "And you deserve to be happy and gay, too."

"Yeah, well, after that shit I said, I definitely deserve it less."

Cady pressed her cheek to the top of Janis's head, and it felt kinda weird but also kinda nice, plus she really wasn't in a position to be rejecting friendly gestures. "Well, I had my moment of being gripped by bad friend madness last year, so, I guess everyone gets one." Then she gave a nervous hmm, and added, "I'm scared what will happen when Damian gets his."

"Oh, no survivors," Janis said. "For sure."

She sighed, and slid a hand over one of Cady's giving it a little squeeze. "I'm sorry I got you caught up in my shit, and you didn't do anything wrong. I want you to be happy." She tugged at the thread again. "Ideally, you'd be happy and she'd be miserable. Like if you could be, like, an absolutely terrible girlfriend, that would be awesome, thanks."

Cady giggled. "Hm, not sure about that. But if I am ever a terrible girlfriend, I'll make sure to say that's the reason."

Janis put on her best Olenna Tyrell voice. "Tell Regina. I want her to know it was me."

Then Cady was giggling more, giving Janis a squeeze before she sat back up to find the remote. Just before she pressed play, she said, "My girlfriend, though."

"I know!"

The point had been to apologize to Cady, but it did leave Janis feeling a bit better to get it out, to say it to someone else. She'd kind of thought she was doing that when she talked to Damian about it, but Damian didn't really count as someone else. He was her platonic soulmate, an extension of herself given shape in like a weird guy.

So, in the spirit of getting it out, Janis finally let herself do something she hadn't done since before that stupid game of spin-the-bottle: she painted Regina George.

It should have been embarrassing how she didn't even need a reference. She'd spent her childhood etching that face onto her soul, only to have it turn into a ruin. Now it was still in there, covered in layers of shit, but never gone. Putting it to canvas was easy, it was effortless. Fuck, it felt like for years she'd been struggling not to do it, like it took more work not to paint Regina than it did to paint her.

She lost track of time, lost track of her studio, lost track of her own body.

She was sitting in the grass in first grade, nose and knuckles bloody because the boys were making fun of her again. Alone, again. She was watching two ladybugs crawling around on a dandelion, and wondering if there were cool ladybugs and loser ladybugs, wondering how the ladybugs knew to tell the difference. Then her eyes darted upward as a girl, bright and blonde and pretty, flopped into the grass in front of her. "That was so cool, how you punched Jason Weems," she said, and grinned, toothy and wide. "You're kind of awesome. Let's be friends. I'm Regina."

She was staring up at the TV screen as the kid on the bed reached underneath for his teddy bear. They weren't supposed to be watching this show, and a coil of tension in her gut told her she was about to find out why, but she couldn't look away, she was transfixed. Then the teddy bear's eyes lit up red, and it lunged forward, and they both screamed. Janis's heart was racing, cold sweat running down her neck, and then she realized that Regina was clinging to her side. She'd wrapped an arm around Regina for support in her panic, and she felt a pang of worry that it was too much. But then Regina's hands moved from gripping her arm to wrapping around her torso, and she looked up at Janis with terrified eyes, and whispered, "Protect me?" And then Janis's heart was racing for a different reason.

She was watching a bunch of guys talking to Regina. They were on a field trip, and for lunch they were picnicking in a park, a bunch of little checkered blankets spread out over the grass. All the guys were trying to get Regina to join them on their blankets. Picnics were, like, automatically romantic, even though the guys hadn't done anything to plan it, or anything, so it was a great chance to make a move. And Regina was flirting, and smiling, and laughing. Then she said something, and some of the guys gave Regina their pudding cups. Butterscotch, Janis's favourite. Then Regina gave them a flirty wave, and strutted away, and sat down on Janis's blanket, sliding the pudding cups over to her. She smiled at Janis, warm and real and totally nothing like she'd smiled at those guys, and then she rolled her eyes and said, "Guys are so dumb," and, oh, this was what being in love felt like.

She was sitting in a circle, and there was a bottle pointing at her, and Regina was in front of her, and she looked calm and collected and beautiful except that her eyes were terrified. Janis felt like she should run away, that this wasn't right, but she was glued in place because she might get the thing she wanted most in the entire world. Regina might kiss her.

She exorcised the memories onto the canvas, letting them pour out of her. When she finally came back to herself, she could feel in her body that she hadn't eaten in way too long, and she was aching, but it was a good ache, like after a hard workout.

Ripping open the packaging on a bag of trail mix, she fell into her beanbag chair and stared at the canvas. That was not Regina George.

Well, it had been, kind of. At times, but never all at once. The features were muddled. An eyebrow from a look she gave Janis in second grade, hair that had caught the sun on the bus in fifth grade, lips that tempted and destroyed in sixth grade. But it wasn't Regina now. It was the version of Regina she'd etched into her soul, and staring at it like this, outside of herself, it was so obvious that this was a girl who had never existed like this, and who hadn't existed at all in a long time.

Now, it felt like something important was missing. But it was 2am, so she went home and slept on it. And she had to admit, she slept better than she had in months.

The next day she came back to it and stared. She could feel a defensiveness welling up inside of her, but it didn't belong here. The studio was a place of honesty, and she was alone, and there was nothing to protect herself from. And, really, she knew what was missing.

She took the canvas off the frame and got out her textiles, and she stitched Cady Heron into the canvas.

Cady, slack-jawed, locking eyes with Regina from across the cafeteria like she'd just seen the face of God. Walking over, and talking, and blushing like she'd never actually considered that she might be pretty before.

Cady, witnessing Regina destroy Taylor Wedell for her friend with the rapt fascination of a baby bird realizing that flight is possible. Learning all the rules to a world she had never known yet was born to. And Regina, watching her with that quiet, amused smile, delighted and fascinated by all the ways Cady was mystified by the only world Regina had ever known.

Cady, looking up at Regina as they danced in a way that was so hopeful, like she didn't know what she was doing, but she wasn't scared because she'd be doing it with Regina. Regina looking back at her with that supreme confidence that maybe only Janis knew was completely fake, projecting control so that Cady could believe Regina was going to keep her safe.

Janis wasn't really sure if the finished work would read to anyone but her. But for her, it felt right. Cady and Regina, entwined in a way that she couldn't fully express, but that was obvious and undeniable. The Regina in her soul, built over years, she belonged to Janis, and she always would. But she was gone, just like that Janis was gone, and that was okay. A woman can't step in the same Regina twice, or whatever, right?

But looking at it like this, from outside herself, she could see the beauty in it. She could see why they fit, why it was so easy for them to love each other. She could be, genuinely, happy for them.

Janis hated the mingling part of these art shows. People always asked her to explain her art, like they didn't realize how insulting that was. If she needed to explain it, then it wasn't communicating what she wanted, so it was bad. They might as well walk up to her and say, "Hey, this sucks ass, apologize."

But sometimes the people who planned these art shows were among the patrons, so she kind of had to be there and talking to people in case someone was secretly important. Live life like every day is an episode of Undercover Boss or whatever.

She was just finishing explaining the point of her mixed media approach to some silver-haired lady in a pantsuit. She'd decided in her head that she was a wealthy thrice-widowed lesbian who had arranged accidents for her rich husbands and was going to offer Janis millions to do a portrait of her, but that offer didn't seem to be forthcoming, so she went back to mingling.

And then she saw Regina standing in front of her portrait, arms crossed, staring at it with an unreadable expression.

Janis walked up beside her. "Where's Caddy?"

"She has a thing with her mom," Regina answered, no bite in her voice, for once. "She's gonna come to the show on Sunday, though."

"Oh," Janis blinked. "So why are you at this one?"

Regina was still looking at the painting. 'The Queens - Janis 'Imi'ike' was written on the little card beneath it. "Remember when I missed your birthday in fifth grade?" she asked, instead of answering.

"Yeah," Janis said. "You wanted to go to gymnastics camp instead."

But Regina just scoffed and shook her head. "No, I didn't. We went to my cousin's wedding that spring, and afterwards I told my parents that we were going to get married. And then they insisted that I do a bunch of girly things that summer so I could have, like, some 'healthy, normal female friendships,' or whatever."

Janis frowned. "Weird, I didn't think your parents were like that."

"They don't, either," Regina said with an eyeroll. "When I came out to them, my mom said there were no signs. And then I mentioned that, and she denied that it ever happened. She said she's always said love is love."

And, yeah, that sounded like Mrs. George.

"The axe forgets but the tree remembers, or whatever, right?"

Regina grunted. "Sure, Jan."

It was always a bad idea to ask someone what they thought of your art. Sincere opinions were only ever volunteered, not solicited. But Janis was really struggling not to, this time. She decided to go with a different question instead. "Why Caddy?" Regina shot her a look, so she clarified, "Not jealous. Just don't understand what makes her different."

Throat tensing with a gulp, Regina looked down at the floor. "I don't think anyone could grow up the way we did and not be fucked up by it." She shrugged, like she wanted to soften the severity of the statement, even though Janis couldn't really disagree. "When I met Cady, she was like… so different, and at the same time, she just, like, fit. And it felt like she could be part of my life and not be, like, ruined by it."

Then she laughed and shook her head. "And then I ruined her anyway, because of course I did."

"You are the worst," Janis agreed, but without any edge to it.

"But she, like, got better, somehow. Which I literally didn't realize you were allowed to do. And she gave me another chance. And I just felt like… nobody gets a third chance, y'know? But I was getting one, and I just couldn't fuck it up. Even if she'd never love me back, I had to do it right."

Janis nodded. "But she does love you back."

Regina tilted her head away, because her eyes were misting up. "Yeah. Somehow she doesn't know she deserves better than me, so, if you could stop trying to get her to figure that out, it would be super fucking helpful, thanks."

They both laughed, and then settled back into silence. Janis looked back to the painting, and said, "I'm not still hung up on you, you know."

"Okay," Regina said. Her tone said she actually believed her, which was nice, you know, because they were standing in front of a giant fucking painting of her face. "So, what is it, then?"

"Just processing shit, I guess," Janis mused. "Like… maybe you owed me right of first refusal, or something. You should have come to me first so I could tell you to go fuck yourself."

Regina thought about that for a second, and then turned toward Janis to look at her fully. Her face was serious, focused, and she looked into Janis's eyes. "Janis 'Imi'ike, will you fulfill my fifth grade dreams and marry me?"

It sounded so sincere that Janis's eyes rolled reflexively, but she smiled at her. "Regina George, with all my heart, go fuck your entire self."

She smirked, and looked back to the painting. "This really sucks ass, by the way, my mouth doesn't look like that at all."

"Yeah, well, it's symbolic."

"Symbolic of what?"

"Symbolic of all the dicks you eat, Regina."

She snorted at that and smiled, a genuine little grin.

"I'm happy for you and Caddy," Janis said. "You're cute together. I'm sorry I was shitty about it."

Regina nodded. Then, after a second, "Well, someone had to do something or she was gonna end up with Aaron."

"Oh my god, he's so boring."