Chapter Text
Two birds on a wire
One says come on And the other says
I'm tired
The sky is overcast And I'm sorry
One more or one less
Nobody's worried
I'll believe it all
There's nothing I won't understand
I'll believe it all
I won't let go of your hand
-Two Birds (Regina Spektor)
Rehab was boring. It was very much needed but tiring. The white walls bled into his mind. The lights were so bright, and the journal in his lap stayed blank. Instead of writing about recovery or how he was feeling, his mind kept on going to Max, to what she said when he blew up at her.
"I have to be good, like all the time. I have to be okay because you're not okay, and I know you're not okay."
He could almost hear the unsaid words. Could see the self-restraint in her not to say it. He could read it on her face the lost words of “But I’m not okay either.”
There used to be a time when their parents paid more attention to Max’s disposition. A time when her moods used to disturb them. From the outside Max would go 1 to 100 over the littlest things. From the inside to Marcus it looked like Max was a teapot. Getting louder and louder until it boiled over. Her moods were constantly fluctuating. Her temper tantrums got whispered complaints. When it got too much for Ellen she would yell “Why are you like this?” straight to Max’s face. Marcus would hear Ellen complaining to other parents about Max. She was dramatic, chaotic, over the top, and felt too much. Mom didn't mean to get so frustrated by Max she just didn't understand her. No one really knew what was going on in Max’s head.
Marcus was viewed as an angel back then. The one viewed as the non-problem child. Sure he was shy but that didn’t seem like a problem.
That all changed when they turned 10. When Marcus started not being able to get out of bed. When the cloud over his head became something unable to be ignored. All of a sudden he was being taken the psychiatrists, and therapists all of them trying to figure out what the fuck was his problem. Soon the label came “Chronic Depression”. Then all the attention of the concerned state of mind ran to him. Max made her emotions small until she would blow. Then instead of concern, she got “Don’t make this about you”, “Max is being Max”, “What an emotional child”, and “Don’t be so dramatic”.
Marcus had said some of the sayings himself. Now though in this blank white room, Marcus admitted to himself that Max’s brain terrified him more then his own sometimes. Where his was stagnant and slow hers seemed to buzz and steam in a way he didn’t understand. Where his explosions were from anger from pressure. Her explosions were filled with a range of emotions. She always seemed to know what he needed. Whether that was the pressure of their parents or the fact that she noticed the smallest things he didn’t know. Sometimes he wondered if in the womb his mom had overfed Max all the emotions, and him small portions of them, and doubled them up on the sadness.
The door slammed open. “Visiting time” Marcus jumped up from bed walking as fast as he could without running. When he got to the visiting room his shoulders slumped.
“Where’s Max?”
“Oh, Honey we thought we would give you both some space from each other still,” Ellen said. She was reaching for his hand. He moved her hands away trying not to cry.
“But I miss her Mom. It’s been three visits. Next week I get out! I want my sister!” Marcus’s voice cracked. He didn’t realize he was crying until drops fell on his t-shirt. He needed to apologize to her. He needed to make up. To see her smile. He hadn’t seen a real smile from Max in a while. A fact that was hidden when his brain was buzzing with alcohol.
His Dad signed,“I’m sorry you’ll see her next week when you get home.” Then his parents tried to move the conversation on. He answered with simple yeses and no’s. When they left he felt as if the tie to his sister was gone.
Maybe the tales of one twin falling and the other feeling it was a bunch of Baloney. But Marcus knew his gut was screaming that his sister wasn’t all right. Now he was the furthest from his sister he had ever been and he felt like she needed him the most.