Work Text:
Buck knew the minute he entered the station that something was wrong. The silence was usually a pretty good indicator, but that, coupled with the gaggle of his co-workers currently crowded around his very open locker, sent a stone plummeting through his stomach. They didn’t see him on his approach, silent even with the few extra pounds he’d put on recently.
“What are you doing?” They scattered faster than pigeons on a sidewalk.
“Hey! Buck-”
“Buckaroo!”
As they made a hole around what they were looking at, his club bag came into view. He’d only put it in there because his car had to go to the shop at the end of last shift, he thought it’d be safe, and he thought he could trust his co-workers not to go through his stuff. His car pyjamas lay folded neatly at the bottom, Bruce placed lovingly on top, but the most damning of evidence - the adult sized paci and sippy cup - were out of the bag, lying haphazardly at the bottom of his locker.
“Sorry, I-I needed some deodorant and I thought you wouldn't mind, we didn’t see anything.” Chim offered; he at least had the good grace to look apologetic.
Buck strode forward, swiping the bag he knew he’d left closed, and the sacred items laid bare before making his way back out to the jeep and launching them into the back seat. Denial was the best policy he decided on his walk back in, plastering a smile on his face and going back to the now-empty locker room to get changed.
They made it 40 hours before Hen finally cracked, sidling up to him on the couch between calls and sighing. “So, we obviously don’t have to talk about it, and I promise we really weren’t trying to pry; it was Chim who opened it, but I’m here if you want to talk about it, no judgement, I promise” Buck tensed beside her, wanting nothing more than to avoid having to discuss his private life with people he didn’t feel even remotely close to anymore.
“I don’t want to talk about it, but thanks.” He eyed Eddie at the table, clearly listening in.
“As long as you don’t bring that shit around my house, we never have to talk about it again.” Buck stopped short, bracing for impact as he eyed the man who was supposed to be his best friend.
“Do you even know what ‘that shit’ is?”
“I can hazard a guess that it’s not something I want around my kid, you know, who’s an actual child.”
“Eddie!” Hen jumped in, eyes disapproving as she rounded the table.
“So you draw the line at something you quite clearly don’t understand, but you’re fine with fucking your dead wife's doppleganger? Nice man, good set of morals you’ve got yourself there.” Buck heard the words leave his mouth before his brain caught up, hightailing it out of the kitchen before he made the whole thing worse.
The rest of the shift was tense - no one mentioned the bag again - but then that wasn’t a great change from normal at the moment, the family they’d once been now fractured and disjointed.
When the shift was finally over, Buck felt wrung out and completely drained of energy. Eddie joined him in the locker room, the quiet clanging of doors and snapping of buttons filling the void where conversation so easily once sat.
“I’m sorry” Eddie said, finally turning to Buck as he laced up his shoes.
“I’m sorry for what I said; it was out of line. You’re right, I don’t understand, but that doesn’t justify what I said.” Buck looked at the open arms presented in front of him as he stood to his full height.
“I’m sorry for what I said too. It was out of line.” He didn’t miss the look of surprise as he avoided the hug, sliding past the younger man and out the door.
—
He felt the same wrong feeling from earlier as he curled up in the corner of the Nest room, not quite Big and not quite Little either, stuck somewhere in the limbo that teased him with restbite and yet withdrew it just as he thought he was in the clear. He felt a semblance of safety just from walking through the door, but it seemed to be slipping away the longer he sat there and couldn’t drop.
Jake had come to sit with him when he first arrived, smiling and playing while Buck tried his level best to get himself in the right head space. Instead of soft around the edges and mushy in the middle, he felt hard and jagged. What had happened at work wasn’t the end of the world - he knew that - but it felt like the last straw in a bale of shit that had been accumulating ever since Bobby died.
“Hi Jakey, who’s your friend?” a voice said from above them, Buck’s eyes jumping from his friend to the new man.
“That’s Evvy, he’s my fact friend! He knows loads of cool stuff about sharks and bees and heli-heli-copters!” Jake said excitedly. Buck smiled softly at the man before going back to his blocks, he wasn’t really in the mood to talk to strangers right now, and he hadn’t seen Tommy since the week before.
“Hey Evvy, what’re you making?” the man said. Buck didn’t necessarily get bad vibes from him, but he hadn’t introduced himself either. He looked at the man, head tilting to the side ever so slightly before speaking.
“It’s Evan, and I’m not really in the mood to chat right now.” The man’s eyes widened slightly before settling back into something that looked an awful lot like contempt.
“Well than you shouldn’t have an orange band on should you?” Buck flinched at the words, scooting back into the corner. “You’re supposed to treat Daddies with respect, not be a brat.” The man was leaning into his space now, hot breath against his face. Feeling his back hit the wall Buck panicked, feet pushing out in front of him before he turned to stand up, eyes searching for the monitor of the night. He spotted Enzo right as the man stood up next to him, stumbling over his feet as tears lined his bottom lashes.
“I uhm…I don’t think he should be in here.” Buck said as Jake caught up to him, tugging on Enzo’s sleeve and nodding. “Daniel was nasty to Evvy.” Buck felt the jagged edges turn razor sharp, tears dripping down his face as the safe feeling from earlier exited the room all together.
“Evan, do you want to come sit in the office with Jake for a few minutes? Take a breather?”” Enzo was stood with a protective arm around each of them, turning them towards the door of the Nest. What he wanted was to drop, to regress into that space where everything didn’t hurt quite so much and he could forget, just for a little while. But that didn’t look like it was going to happen tonight, and especially not here. Enzo’s hold was friendly, but it felt like it was burning him, like the mere idea of someone else touching him was going to send him into a panic attack. He was too hot, everything was too loud and he wanted out.
The tears were coming faster now, the idea that the club no longer being his safe space swirling around in his head. He shook his head, wrenching himself out of the grip of the other man and walking towards the door.
“Evan wait! It’s okay, just come and sit down with Jake, we’ll get you some water and a blanket and he wont be here anymore.” Enzo was pleading with him, gaze full of care and affection as Buck continued to shake his head. This was wrong, everything was wrong here and he needed to get out.
He was walking backwards when he hit a wall, letting out a little whine as his shoulder smarted.
“Evan? Hey Evan whats wro-” Buck looked up into the eyes of Tommy as he stumbled, eyes stinging as he made his way around the man.
“Evan wait!” But Buck was already running down the corridor, shaking hands fumbling with the lock of his cupboard before wrenching the bag out and finally, finally throwing himself into his jeep. His breaths see-sawed out of his chest as he drove, the air of the jeep hot and painful even as the open window sucked in the ice cold air of the night around him.
By the time he made it home he’d gone numb to the panic, there’d been a brief period where he thought he was losing his mind, this kind of reaction was disproportionate surely? Nothing had even really happened. And yet here he was, sat on the floor between the couch and the coffee table, trying to take measured breaths. His mind swirled, snippets of time and pieces of conversations flitting around and confirming those same things he’d been told since childhood.
He stayed like that for a while, until all the tears had drained out of him and he was left to fight the intermittent shakes in the silence and the dark. And then there was a knock on the door.
“Evan? Ev sweetheart, it’s Tommy” a quiet voice came filtered through the wood panneling.
Buck whined, a stilted little whimper as he stretched his limbs, half crawling across the floor before finally dragging himself up and letting the door swing open.
“Sweetheart what hap-Oh baby” Tommy started, before reaching for him, strong arms wrapping around him, warmth seeping into his cold skin as he slumped against the older man. Tommy walked them backwards, the door shutting quietly behind them as Buck felt himself be lowered onto the couch. Tommy crouched down between his open legs, hands resting on his knees as he scanned his face, Buck knew he looked a mess, knew that there was no hiding what was going on, and he realised with no small amount of certainty that he no longer cared.
“Evan, I need you to tell me what’s going on in that beautiful head of yours, Enzo and Jake said you had a run in with some Daddy and the last I saw of you you were running like the hounds of hell were chasing you. I texted Chim to get your address and he said something happened at work but that he’d let you tell me.”
Buck slumped against the couch, eyes closing as he tilted his head back and started talking. Thoughts coming out muddled and jumbled and praying to god that Tommy could make better sense of them than he could. He let it all out, the doubts, the situations at work, the self hatred and the suffocating need to feel safe. Tommy stroked his hands through it all, silent and stoic as Buck purged himself of everything that had been bothering him.
When he finished he opened his eyes, staring down into the eyes of the older man, longing and sorrow swirling around in oceans of sea grey blue..
“Okay sweetheart, first of all, thankyou for telling me, I know that was hard. Second, I think maybe it would be a good idea to see someone, a professional, about what you’re feeling, and I think you should take some time off work. You’re carrying the weight of the world around on your shoulders and it doesn’t have to be like that angel, it shouldn’t be like that.”
Buck smiled softly, tugging him closer until they settled on the couch next to eachother, curling his limbs in tight until he was as close as he could get to Tommy.
“Do you think you could sleep? Or are you too wired?” Tommy asked quietly, fingers running through the hair at the nape of his neck. Buck felt the edges of his brain go soft, the comfort of being wrapped in Tommy’s arms seeping through and settling inside him.
“I think I left Brucey at the club” he said forlornly, sighing as Tommy kissed his forehead.
“That, I might be able to help with” Tommy said, reaching into his pocket and bringing out the bright white snow leopard. Buck tamped down the squeal he wanted to let out, making grabby hands for the stuffie as Tommy laughed quietly beside him.
“How about you take a shower and I’ll get you settled into bed hmm?” Buck nodded his head, letting the feeling of safety flow through him as Tommy walked them to the bathroom.
“Can you do it yourself or do you want some help?”
“Tommy help Evvy”
“Okay angel, come here and let’s get undressed.” Buck held his arms up as Tommy slowly undressed him, hand still clenched tightly around Bruce as he let himself be looked after.
“I think Brucey probably doesn’t like water on account of him being a cat, so how about we leave him on the side and he can join us when we get out okay?” Tommy said gently, turning to flick the water on as he quickly slipped out of his own clothes.
Buck nodded silently, letting himself be led into the shower and positioned under the spray by the older man. He listened while Tommy spoke quietly to him, telling him about his week and what he’d gotten up to while he carefully washed the grime of the day off them both. By the time they were done Buck was half asleep, leaning most of his body weight against Tommy and making little to no effort to keep his eyes open.
“Okay baby, time to get out” Buck groaned at the comment but acquiesced, letting the water drip onto the bath mat as Tommy wrapped a warm towel around him.
“Evvy sweetheart where are your pyjamas?” But Buck was fully regressed letting out a little “there” as he loosely pointed to the box next to the bottom of his dresser. Tommy took the hint regardless, pulling out a pair with bees all over them, eyeing the paci and choosing to grab that too.
Buck smiled at the choice, babbling nearly incoherent words about bees as Tommy dressed him, placing hands that were big but felt small on broad shoulders, stepping into the pants before settling back on the bed as the top slipped over his neck.
He crawled under the covers as Tommy slipped back into his boxers and t-shirt, noticing with no small amount of satisfaction that his favourite paci was clasped in the older mans hand.
“Do you want anything before you go to sleep?” Buck shook his head, shuffling closer to Tommy when he flicked back the covers. “Am sleepy” Buck murmured, curling in close to Tommy’s chest.
Tommy’s hand flexed against him, coming to rest against his ribs as the other brought the paci up to his mouth. He wiggled a little, letting out a quiet “night Daddy” before accepting it, snuggling back against the warm planes of Tommy’s chest as he finally shut his eyes.
“Goodnight angel.”
Buck was almost completely asleep, the rhythmic breathing of Tommy’s chest lulling him to unconsciousness when he heard a quiet but confident statement.
“You’re going to be okay Evan, I promise.”