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Down by the water in the weathered old chair, a hot breeze drifts off the ocean and surrounds Steve. He wonders how moving air can leave it so hard to breathe. Or perhaps it's just the enormity of the past few hours that's causing him to ache. The calm he is forcing himself to keep hangs as tangible and heavy as the lingering humidity of the day. Not usually one for reflection or stillness, Steve finds himself unable to stand and pace like every cell in his body was twitching to do. He just can't. He thinks that this might be what it's like to be in a coma. Trapped in a suspension with no real control, totally reliant on others to decide your fate.
When he'd woken up this morning, Steve had no idea that his day would take the turn it has. He had no idea that they'd be called onto a case which would result in a father taking his own life in front of his son or that the impact the parallels to his own life would have on him. He'd held it together until the team returned to headquarters and to their own offices. That was at midday. The next thing he was aware of was Danny poking him gently and telling him that it was time to go home.
* * *
"Danny, I…" Steve frowns. "What happened?"
"I don't know. You've been in some kind of zone out for the last hour and staring at your computer screen for the hour before that."
"What's the time?"
"After four."
"Oh." Steve closes his eyes and breathes, trying to wake himself and clear his mind. He exhales deeply and leans into a gentle, comforting pressure on his back. When he does so, the pressure stops and he realises Danny has been rubbing circles on his back.
"I…" He looks up at Danny, eyes wide and face unguarded.
Danny looks back, brow furrowed slightly, takes his own deep breath and resumes the circles, this time a little firmer.
"I don't want to talk about it, " Danny starts, perching on the arm of Steve's desk chair. "I don't see the point. It doesn't change anything for the kid."
Suddenly it dawns on Steve that he isn't the only one with parallels to this case. As much as he is the son who witnessed his own father die, Danny's own life reflects the father's. Divorced, alone, access to his child limited by the law and a spiteful ex-wife. He remembers what Danny had said about drinking himself to sleep every night after Rachel left him and his brother taking care of him. A sick feeling rises in his stomach when he thinks what would have happened had Matthew not been there.
"Danny," he breathes. The circles move their way up his spine, pressing into the knotted muscles of his neck and steady fingers gently work their way into the hair at the back of his head.
"I'm here, Babe," Danny answers softly. "I'm not going anywhere, okay?"
"Okay." And it is. He knows that the mirror today holds up to their own lives is not lost on Danny either. Steve uses his hands to turn the chair around. Danny stands and watches, waiting to see what Steve does.
"Danny, I…"
"You already said that."
"I did?"
Danny nods, taking a couple of steps backwards and perching again, this time on the edge of the couch by Steve's desk. "You did."
"Oh." After he says it, he realises that he already said that too. This conversation is going in circles, which he supposes is nothing new for them. They've been circling each other for months now like a venn diagram of dead parents and broken hearts that never intersects to create common area.
"Danny," he says more decisively this time, "I'm really tired of pretending." He stands and sits on the couch. "I'm tired of this… whatever it is that we're telling ourselves we aren't to each other. And I think you are too." And now it's out there. He's said what hasn't been voiced before but he knows has been on both of their minds for longer than either of them are going to admit to.
"I am."
Neither of them move, they hardly breathe. They don't dare disturb the thing they've released. They don't quite know what to do now. Steve runs his thumb over the smooth, cool metal of his watch band. It's Danny who breaks the silence.
"I have Grace for a couple of hours. Picking her up from Aloha Girls and having dinner before taking her back to Rachel's."
"Oh." Steve tries not to sound disappointed. "So you…"
"I want to come over after. If that's okay."
Steve nods. "Yeah. I think that'd be okay."
* * *
So lost in the agony of waiting, the part of him that was left by his mother and sent away by his father just knows that Danny's changed his mind, Steve doesn't hear Danny as he crosses the grass. He doesn't process his presence until Danny clears his throat softly and eases himself down into the other chair.
"Grace says hi."
Steve looks up, looks at Danny and tries to read him. He hopes he is concealing his own hopeful panic but considering the number of names his partner has for his faces, he doubts he's doing a very good job.
"We should take her to the zoo to see the lion cubs," Steve says carefully.
Danny nods. "We should." He stretches his legs out and scuffs his heels in the grass. "I asked her if she thought it would be okay if we saw more of Steve and maybe kept him around for a while."
Somewhere deep down Steve had know that Danny would seek his daughter's assurance before changing any of their lives in this way.
"She didn't seem too surprised," Danny huffs.
"She's smarter than either of us."
"She also said to give you a kiss from her. She's never said that before."
"You could, you know. If you wanted."
"I will. I do."
"Good."
"But I want it to be from me first. If that's okay," Danny rests his hand on the table between the two chairs, feeling the softness of the old wood under his palm.
"It is."
"Good."
Steve chuckles softly. "I already said that." He reaches out and joins his hand with Danny's entwining their fingers together. They sit that like that for a while, the breeze from the water still hot but not heavy like it was before. The day's drawing to an end, the sun clinging on the the last stretch of the horizon. They watch it sink into the ocean and the darkness creep into its place.
Steve stands, reluctant to let go of Danny's hand so he doesn't. He gently tugs so Danny stands too and pulls him closer. "Let's go in."