Work Text:
It’s so much easier to direct your anger at other people.
You could never figure out why, but the world always seemed to team up against you. It feels like you can never escape it.
Some of your colleagues manage to annoy you at worse, you could easily brush off their behavior and move on with your day. Take Outis' peculiar bootlicking habit, for example. Whenever the occasion rises, she boasts about her delusional achievement after each mission. Woman is living in the glory of her past, you tell yourself, and you laugh it off.
Others seem to actively try to hit on a particular nerve and ruin your day.
Don Quixote’s ways to ruin every plan was excruciating to you. You think to yourself: if you aren't going to follow the rules, how are you contributing to completing the mission with the highest chance of success?
Sinclair's lack of self worth would exasperate you. Little man, can't you move past your ruminations and stop holding the team back?
Let’s not forget about Yi Sang, whom during the first weeks felt like a ghost in your team. Too weak to help during combat, too passive to come up with any solution. Another dead weight.
But when you put it into perspective and after months spent with them, you realize you have been too harsh on your coworkers. You have learned about their stories, and realized their behaviors have a reason to be, not just a lack of active effort as you might have first assumed. However…
You cannot tolerate Heathcliff's impulsivity, always giving in to his intuition without a second thought. He’s always taking the initiative without carefully collecting information about your surroundings, always expressing his mind without gauging the impact of his words.
Even worse, you seem to be the only one bothered by it. The others retort sometimes, or remind him to read the room before opening his trap, but nobody seems to be as infuriated at him as you are.
You don't think you are exaggerating. After all, every single one of your actions is meticulously calculated, and you channel all your energy not to allow your emotions cloud your judgements. In fact, you can confidently declare being among the most rational ones among the Sinners. Yet, you would not understand why most of your coworkers unbotheredly(not weighing their conscience, unlike you) let their desires dictate their actions, rather than the pure, rational facts.After all, you did let your emotions take the reins when you decided to embark on the pequod. Who in their right mind would leave everything they worked hard to perfection to leave on an Adventure and follow someone else's dream?
And it hits you. The realization. You remember when you fell to the waters and you thought your insignificant life would end there. The first time you were forced to look inward and realize you were but an empty shell.
You realized it, but did not acknowledge it.
Because now again that, what seemed to be your ultimate goal, killing Aheb, is no longer, a hollow space has been sucking at your energy since the completion of the last mission. You blame it on the waves, the way they bring back the memories abroad the Pequod. You’re leaning on the rail when sharp pain runs through your chest, and you’re reminded of the countless times you've spent by Queequeg's side, staring at the boundless horizon.
Where do you want to go ? What do you actually want to do ?
There are no guides on how to find a way through this fog.
Shouldn't you feel fear ? Confusion ? Sadness ? Why is anger the only emotion you feel ?
Ah. So that's it.
The world was not teamed up against you. You are your one and only enemy.
Your coworkers following their ideas angered you because you never bothered following your own. You are simply angry at yourself, unconsciously, for never lending an ear to what you really, really want. You thought performing perfection was what you wanted, so why does it make you so bitter ?
Maybe, maybe, the next path you're walking is one of authenticity, of letting yourself be human and experience imperfection.
Along with your new crewmates.