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Robert
Robert caught himself in the mirror. Not the same man. Since when did he look so calm, organised and of clear conscience? He really had to do a double take and smile at himself. Maybe it had a little something to do with a certain grease monkey who was now giving him the time of day. But it still got him right in the solar plexus; just like a cramp after too much physical exertion on the farm. He was really reliving feelings he hadn't had since his youth. Just a perfect, easy kind of happiness that only naivety and hope could bring. Like when you are high on love for the first time... that is when he really had to catch himself. Sit down and run those figures through his head again. Of course he loved Aaron; couldn't think of a person who was more essential for his own happiness. But it was more than that. He loved Vic too, but she didn't create these physical palpitations, an ache that was both annoying and fulfilling at the same time.
Certain things were beginning to dawn on Robert. This was what he had heard falling in love was like. Text book case. He would challenge anyone to deny the fact that he loved Aaron at first cocky sight. Their mutual attraction was instant and strong. But all these years on he was revisiting that feeling of being unable control his encompassing emotions again. No longer in the furthest part of the closet, but he still struggled with believing the things he felt no matter how patiently Aaron talked him through dark moments. In stopping to think about how deep he was in, right at this moment Robert felt himself sinking. He had unquestioningly put his life on hold and put everything into winning Aaron back; an uncalculated investment but addiction and gambling are said to go hand in hand. Then just when he thought he had won and Aaron brought down his defenses to reach for him with equal need, that was when Robert realized he was past the point of safety. So committed to this mission that he was haphazardly allowing himself to fall and the sensation of free-fall with Aaron was terrifying.
All this time he thought he had been taking it easy on Aaron. Mindful of the trial; don’t push too fast and definitely don’t go anywhere he doesn’t lead. But now as he sat with closed and scrunched eyes trying to go back through the memories of the past few weeks. What came to mind, vividly, was all of Aaron's measured glances, like he was checking in. Waiting for something. Holding a little something back. Robert had assumed it a kind of was trial-lag. Aaron rebuilding his life and trust. Robert was happy to be the rock. But despite all outward appearances it was dawning on Robert that, as he always knew and with even more clarity now, the reverse was true. It was always Aaron anchoring him, stoic and stronger than belief. All this time he was saying and thinking he was ‘there for Aaron’ when in fact it was Aaron who was waiting for him to catch up and understand what their relationship had become.
He wasn't crazy for feeling Aaron has been sent down to him as some kind of familiar spirit, a divine companion. Perhaps Aaron was the only way Robert could function normally in the world. It wasn't just that Aaron’s strong hand to his prideful chest could instantly calm his rage, or that Aaron's abrupt sarcasm would disarm him with a bashful smile of defeat. Aaron was his conduit to reality. If he ever felt unloved or misunderstood Aaron was there with a reality check and a quick beer. That regular and simple contact was soul food for Robert, the fulfillment of a childhood that was cruelly ripped away from him and somehow Aaron innately understood all this and more. In coming back to Emmerdale what Robert had now was all he had been seeking: another country boy to rest his heart in. But he never declared that to himself, let alone gave Aaron any indication that was what he needed from him. It was how Aaron unlocked these shadow desires, truths that only came out in Aaron’s presence that confused him most. How could he be more comfortable living a lie and unhappy, than bearing his soul to the love of his life? Why should Aaron’s penetration and understanding of him leave him pained and unnerved?
Okay Sugden, you can't sit here thinking on this all day like some old fool, all memory no sense, he berated himself. Still gazing at his reflection in the mirror and trying to push his rational brain to the fore. His eyes fell upon his old wedding ring discarded symbolically when the final divorce papers came through a week ago. When he showed Aaron they feel straight into an all consuming love making session, their first since the trail. Body and soul Robert was completely ready to move on with the one person he wasn’t sure he could love right or be good enough for, but regardless of the discomfort he knew that they had earned this, built a new trust that left the past distant and unvisitable. Having Aaron near never left the option of going backwards open. Aaron drew from him honesty and mutual hard work. The desire to carry all the pain of awkward feelings and uncertainty, was becoming a real need in Robert as he begun to understand the lengths he would go to to meet everyone of Aaron’s demands.
Aaron
Sitting in the Woolpack alone after closing time was one of his greatest joys. Home and a night out in one place. But some days it was too much to have all good things together. No real privacy or headspace. Taking in his surroundings he realized that he had outgrown his childhood home and not in the same runaway from reality way that had driven him of twice before. Shit. He was ready to move in with Robert but where do you start with that conversation? They had barely moved on from the trail. Pretending to live a routine couple existence mainly for everyone else's benefit; all those with monotonous ‘go-slow and get to really know each other’ messages. But they both knew they were biding their time. Aaron knew it with every lustful look that got converted into a deadend socially acceptable hug and when they stared each other over a pint both wishing everything around them would just evaporate so they could get to the good bit.
Stupidly all this poetic whimsy came from an English teacher Aaron might have had a bit of a crush on in Year 10. Why else would he have been tuning in? They were looking at the work of local poets and a line about love stayed with him. It was simply put, but captured everything he knew he wanted even at that age: “Like two orphans who have won a fierce privacy”. It seemed funny to him now that the universe had conspired to bring him and Robert back together time after time, to fulfill this prophetic phrase. Even funnier that without a conversation about it he knew Robert saw them in the same way.
So despite his love of words Aaron was always the quiet sort, not because he had little to say or was insecure in his beliefs. Far from. He just preferred to take in the stories of others. He guessed that was one of the reasons he was so promiscuous in his youth. One part a tear away from small town life, but mainly he liked to get to know new men, their stories and motivations. Perhaps it was a CSI fetish gone wrong, but either way his silence served him well. Kept him from over committing to anyone and certainly didn’t entertain ‘get to know me’ conversations. He packaged up these men’s stories and sort of filed them in his head like a collector. Their stories were more important than their bodies at the end of the day. A willing body or warm mouth could be found anywhere really, hardly worth capturing to memory. But the before or after conversations, where Aaron’s silence encouraged the other person to fill the gaps, they were the things Aaron would reminisce on. A comfort to focus on when the contract of sex was in the balance or past exchange.
Perhaps it was that he learnt early on what a complication sex could be. Always suss the situation first, plan ahead and if possible jump in with both feet. He never let his head go to the place where sex and emotion connected. Collecting more one-night stories was all he went in expecting, coz everyone had a story. The stories that intrigued him most were the one’s where guys felt they had to create some kind of backstory to their liaison. Aaron didn’t care, sex was sex he never promised anyone anything more, but too often hook ups’ created a scene setting story or a happily ever after story that amused him as he listened to their vivid descriptions. There were a number of common statements like: ‘I knew we would end up together’ or ‘this is going to be even better next time’ but there were also guys who acted like they had a crystal ball. Like they could read Aaron by his cock size or something. Promising everything he had never asked for. If anything it usually meant he would definitely not call the next day, just file the offers and promises away.
And ultimately that is why he liked Robert. He was such a headcase with a page-turner of a life, only he didn’t offer a story or feel the need to sell anything other than his huge cock (hard sell). To start with Robert kept things physical and straightforward, no emotional baggage. Most would probably see that as shallow, but Aaron found it refreshing. He didn’t have to fill the sex-less void with conversation or focus himself in the after-glow so he could make the appropriate sounds to the inevitable post-sex story. Only as it turned out, and perhaps because Robert’s story wasn’t an attempt to bed Aaron or keep him coming back, it became the most intriguing story that Aaron had known and he quickly became absorbed with piecing together.Like a award winning page turner, it drew more words than he had ever known. Questions that snuck up on him and interrupted the flow of of perfectly mind blowing sex with thought. Lines of inquiry that kept them up talking late into the night and long after the sex come down. Storytelling that only ended with the necessity of sleep.
Somehow it all became very entangled: the raw, hard bliss of Robert and his story had become something more to Aaron. Their story had muted the sounds of Aaron’s old lovers and, though unsaid, it seemed the same way for Robert. They both felt a shift in intensity that made them draw out love making sessions for as long as possible, but they didn’t feel the need to chat about it afterwards. Like the other night when Robert stood at the end of the bed and nonchalantly took his wedding ring off, holding it out on his flat palm. Two words: ‘divorce, done’. Before he withdrew it and chucked it on the dresser behind him. The simplicity of the gesture and the unspoken story of a shared history and likely future, got Aaron off. Robert literally said nothing more, as they made love countless times throughout the night, sealing in a promise over and over again. Aaron knew he was completely gone. The collection of lovers stories he had housed and tried to compartmentalize Robert in, could no longer be a frame of reference. That one line of poetry he kept like a topshelf secret, glowed neon in his mind and that is why he knew it was time to move out and move on.