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Rumi couldn’t breathe.
She was supposed to be grabbing something on the other side of the market, something Zoey requested she grab for them as she and Mira looked over the contents of a vendor's booth. But Rumi couldn’t even remember what she was supposed to be grabbing now.
She’d walked by a few teenagers, sitting behind a booth that had a sign that said “Be back in a few!” So she assumed they were sitting there while the parent was off doing something. And they’d been talking about them, about HUNTR/X, and Rumi had smiled behind her mask that she wore for a disguise as she heard them talk excitedly.
But then one of them had mentioned the unreleased song. The one that got played during the whole messy breakup facade that most of the world now knows as a “marketing tactic,” and yet the song was never released. Some people managed to find the file, but it was eventually pretty scrubbed from the internet. But people will still gossip about it, and sometimes they manage to find clips not yet taken down.
Rumi inhaled a bit sharply, the air warm coming through her mask, and she felt that harsh unrelenting weight start to pour into her chest like concrete. But it was just gossip, just gossip. She’s been asked about the song many times before, and she’s been able to play it off, explaining it was something they just didn’t want for their band. She’d put on a dazzling smile and easily redirect the interviewer to something else and that would be that. Rumi would ignore the sudden weight on her chest, making her aware of every breath she took as it felt like her lungs were being squeezed. And after, Mira would rub her back while Zoey would cling to her arm, distracting her with some stupid joke or fact, and she’d be fine. Yeah, she’d just grab whatever she came here for and go back to the girls.
But then, one of the teenagers grinned as she told them all to listen up, and out of their phone speaker the song started playing…
“Takedown takedown takedown, down down down…”
And Rumi had frozen. A few feet away from the booth her body went rigid as her breathing increased. Fear swept through her so intensely she felt nauseous and like she might collapse at any second.
Her brain started to stutter, flashes of memory sweeping through her with each note from the song being played.
Mira, shoving her on stage.
Zoey, pushing her back.
Echoes of that word they spoke like it was the filthiest thing on their tongues echoed throughout Rumi’s mind.
Demon.
Demon.
Demon.
It kept pounding through her brain along with each rapid pulse of her heartbeat, as Rumi was then transported out of the market but into the place she still had nightmares about.
“So sweet, so easy on the eyes, but hideous on the inside.”
Hideous.
Hideous.
Hideous.
The words echoed through her ringing ears.
Rumi needed to get out.
“Whole life spreadin’ lies, but you can’t hide, baby nice try.”
She barely got her limbs to move, feeling like she was walking through molasses as she focused all her energy on putting one step in front of the other. Everything else was dimmed out as she focused on just trying to get away from that awful song. And soon, her feet started to pick up. Faster and faster. Until suddenly she was running at full sprint, barely managing to duck through people as she just focused on getting away. Running away from the song.
Running away from herself.
“Cause I see your real face, and it’s ugly as sin. Time to put you in your place, ‘cause you’re rotten within.”
Her throat felt like it was closing up as Rumi tried to breathe as she ran, her exhales coming out fast while her inhales were ragged and unsteady. Sweat beaded down her skin as Rumi kept running, just to get away from the mass of people.
Rotten within, how true was that? It was still so hard to accept herself, to not let the patterns that traced her skin define her. Mira and Zoey reassured her so many times that it’s okay, that they were a part of Rumi and that they loved Rumi. She’d flush all over watching them trace or kiss her patterns lovingly.
But her mind couldn’t think of that right now. No, all it remembered in the frantic whirlwind of her thoughts as she ran was the pain. How Zoey had looked at her. How Mira had raised her weapon.
She felt a cry release strangled from her throat as she ducked off into an alleyway, finally free of people. Her breathing was ragged as she bent over, hands on her knees as she tried hard not to throw up.
How could they love her? There’s no way it was true. She was a demon, a monster. She’d remembered their faces. And Rumi had lied.
To the girls she claimed to love most she lied to for years. She was sure they didn’t trust her. They reassured her but it was empty. They were probably always wondering if what Rumi was saying was true, and even though she hasn’t lied lately the girl suddenly found herself desperately wanting to plead for her innocence.
“When your patterns start to show it makes the hatred wanna grow outta my veins.”
They hated her. They surely hated her. They sent her away at the market because Mira and Zoey just wanted to be free from their burden for a few moments. And Rumi hated it, hated how much it felt like she deserved it. She craved to be told she was fine, that she was okay. But then every piece of praise felt empty when it went up against the raw void of knowing you mean nothing.
That you are nothing.
She was nothing.
Rumi looked down at her patterns, glowing a deep painful purple, and she wailed. An all consuming crushing weight was closing in on her, and she fell to the dirty concrete floor as she curled in on herself. Tears flowed freely from her eyes, and she did her best to breathe, but Rumi was starting to feel light-headed.
And the nausea. With every flashing image and self-deprecating word, Rumi felt like she wanted to just vomit it all out of her system. Because she was full of filth.
Distantly, she heard someone yell her name, but Rumi didn’t move. Everything started to hurt, and she could barely take in any air through her mask, making things feel that much more suffocating. She eventually reached up to rip it off, but it barely helped. She didn’t register her hands turning into claws, scraping slightly across her arms and causing blood to swell from the small lines.
Suddenly there was a soft, hesitant hand placed at Rumi’s shoulder, but it might as well have been the shove she experienced on that forsaken stage. She felt like the lights were beaming down on her now with how much she was sweltering. Rumi flinched sharply away from the touch, but she kept her eyes screwed shut.
“Rumi! Rumi, are you okay?” A concerned voice. Zoey.
“You’re a demon.” The girl’s voice came back to her, how she’d glared full of malice as she whispered into Rumi’s ear the truth.
“No,” Rumi barely managed to whisper in a cracked tone.
“A mistake.”
Rumi definitely felt like she was going to throw up now, as she felt hot and feverish, sweat pouring down her skin underneath her zip-up hoodie.
“She’s burning up,” said a voice on the other side of her, a lot calmer but still just as concerned. Mira.
“Are you sick? Rumi? Let’s get you out of this—” Zoey started, trying to frantically find solutions to help her.
She reached forward, trying to help Rumi out of her suffocating hoodie. But the moment her hand started to slowly pull down the sleeve, Rumi panicked.
No. My patterns. Don’t show my patterns.
The stage lights were so, so bright.
They can’t see, everyone will see.
Everyone was looking.
No no no no no.
“Leave me ALONE!” She shrieked, her voice tuning into the heavy tritones that came with being a demon as her patterns flared purple.
“Rumi, we’re not leaving you.” Said a calm voice on her right.
“Not ever again.” Said the higher pitched voice to her left.
“We won’t take off your hoodie, but please try to breathe steadier. Listen to my voice. Ok?” Mira was talking steadily to her. None of them were touching Rumi again, but they knelt close by as they dealt with their panic induced girlfriend.
“Come on, breathe in four, hold seven, out eight, remember? Start with me. One, two, three, four…”
Mira started to run through the technique of helping to calm down breathing, counting softly through every step as she waited for Rumi to align with it. It took a few run-throughs before finally the half-demon started to try and follow her guides.
Slowly, her exhales started to get less and less shaky, until finally Rumi’s mind started to clear. She wasn’t on the stage, but huddled into a ball in a random alleyway, the sun right above as it was midday. Mira was crouched on her right, counting, and Zoey was just watching her patiently but concerned as she waited for Rumi to calm.
The purple-haired girl was finally able to focus her gaze again, and she glanced at Mira, who instantly stopped talking and smiled very softly at her. She looked to Zoey next, who seemed like she was about to cry just like Rumi had been.
“Are you… here?” She didn’t know exactly what to ask, because obviously the girl wasn’t okay. But she wanted to know if she wasn’t going to yell at her again.
Rumi felt exhausted, like a tornado had come through her body, threw everything around, and then left just as rapidly as it came. Rumi gave a slight nod, because she found she couldn’t speak yet, and Zoey gave a soft relieved sigh that at least she understood her this time.
“Let’s get you out of here, okay?” Mira voiced, shuffling forward to try and help Rumi up. She hesitated, not wanting to touch the other girl, but Mira didn’t make any sudden move to grab her first. She just held out her arm. A suggestion. A mercy.
Slowly, Rumi managed to push herself into taking it. “I’m fine. They’ll take care of me. They…”
She couldn’t find it in herself to reassure her fogged brain that they loved her.
Mira slowly helped her up to standing, Zoey tucking in on the other side to help as well. They gently worked on bringing her out of the alleyway, heading down to a street where one of them must’ve alerted their driver to wait at. They tucked the exhausted girl into the back seat, squished in between the two of them, and then they were headed back to their tower.
“Do you wanna tell us what happened back there?” Mira asked, getting straight to the point.
“Mira! Just give her a bit. Pretty sure she just had a full blown panic attack,” Zoey chastized, making Mira look away a bit guilty.
Rumi’s head was pounding, and she was still soaked with sweat as she laid there. But at least the vehicle had AC, which was a bit grounding. She kept her eyes closed as she focused on the cool breeze, and not the way her brain throbbed like it was trying to burst out of her skull. Or how… wrong everything felt.
She felt like she wanted to claw out of her skin, which she supposed she already did slightly as she felt the small lines on her arm also throb slightly in pain in time with her head.
Sitting between the two girls felt wrong. She didn’t deserve it.
“Rumi,” said Zoey’s voice in a very soft tone. The half-demon slowly opened her eyes, turning to the left to look at her. “What do you need?”
With that simple question it was like war unleashed within her brain. On one end, she wanted to be coddled and just wrapped up by the two girls in bed for the rest of the night. On the other hand, she wanted to be as far away from anyone as possible.
“Hey, don’t get in your head,” Mira started from beside her. “Whatever you need, we’ll give it. Well, except we’re not leaving you alone, sorry.”
Rumi frowned.
“Sorry! But you’re not escaping us. We love you way too much for that,” Zoey added with a smile.
Rumi frowned even more.
“Don’t say that,” she said in a low, hoarse tone. Zoey tilted her head in question.
“Say what?”
“That you love me,” Rumi’s voice broke as she said it, the weight in her chest starting to press harder into her lungs once more. Her eyes grew hot, heavy with tears as she felt despair fill her veins.
“But of course we love you, Rumi,” Zoey said as she gently laid a hand on her arm.
“What makes you think we don’t?” Mira asked from the other side, also looking at Rumi intently. The hot tears started to flow freely down the half-demon’s face now as she decided to stare forward at the floor of the car now instead of either of them.
“How could you? After how long I-I lied to you. How could you ever trust or love me again?” Her voice broke as she tried to express her feelings, shoulders shaking as she tried not to sob.
“That’s the amazing thing about love, Rumi! It heals. And we love you so, so much,” Zoey’s own voice started to tremble as she teared up beside Rumi. “I don’t know what caused all this, but don’t you ever doubt that we don’t love you, ok? And we trust you.”
Mira shuffled forward, leg pressing against Rumi’s, tears also starting to fill her eyes as she spoke as well. “And whenever you feel like this again, we’ll be here to remind that dumb brain of yours that you’re loved. Over and over again.”
Rumi really started to sob now, all three of the girls devolving into tears in the back seat of the car. They held Rumi tightly now in between them, and the pressure was a welcome one this time.
“Thanks, I love you both too,” Rumi managed after they spent a few minutes crying, and she felt even more exhausted. But also a bit relieved now that her worries had been quelled. There was still a small voice in the back of her head that told her she didn’t deserve this, but she snuffed it out with the feeling of overwhelming love pouring out from the two girls beside her.
Zoey sniffled before she spoke up. “I say we spend the rest of the day in bed. Doctor Zoey’s orders! We watch stupid mindless romcoms and snuggle and eat every snack imaginable!”
The other two girls chuckled slightly at her announcement, smiling at their maknae’s enthusiasm.
“Sounds like a plan to me,” Mira said softly, and Rumi hummed in agreement.
She still felt emotionally exhausted and out of sorts, but she knew she’d soon be better with her girls right by her side. Always forever.