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Fabian puts his crystal down with a sigh onto the bed, now looking at Riz who was laying on his chest reading an article on his crystal.
"We're going to the library tomorrow." Riz turns his crystal off as his ears perk up at that.
"Why? You find a case?" Riz sits up, tail swishing excitedly. "Come on Fabian if you have a case don't skimp out on the-"
Fabian cuts him off with a soft kiss. "No, The Ball, it's not a case. I just want to do more research on goblins and I want you with me so you can tell me what's true and what's not." Riz groans and lays his head back down.
"No offense but that sounds boring Fabes." Fabian just hums.
"It's important to me. I want to learn all I can about you." He runs his hand along his back, making the smaller boy shiver slightly. "I want to make you happy, without the chance of miscommunication."
Riz can't help the small chuckle that forces its way out of him as he remembers the accidental proposal. "Okay, we'll go tomorrow Fabes. But you owe me okay? I wanna go on a stake out mission and you know I can't drive." Fabian playfully rolls his eye.
He'd never say no to accompanying Riz on one of his missions. He parishes the thought of Riz going into a possibly dangerous situation without him at his side to heal and protect him.
Riz shifts and looks at him, a wide smile on his face. "Let's raid the kitchen."
Fabian smiles. He loves his mischievous boyfriend and he knows that if they are going to be holed up in a stuffy library tomorrow, he's gotta help Riz get out all his extra energy. Even if that means sneaking into the kitchen Fabian owns in the middle of the night to eat oranges together on the counter.
That morning, Riz gets up at the asscrack of dawn and gets up to get ready for the day and is promptly stopped by his boyfriend who pulls back into his arms mumbling softly, "Too early The Ball. Go back to bed."
Riz whines and tries to fight back; it's to no avail, his boyfriend just too strong, so Riz and Fabian sleep in for a couple more hours until Fabian decides it's an acceptable time to get ready for the day.
Once the two get ready, they set off on The Hangman to the library where Riz helps Fabian pull every book about goblins the library has to offer. By midday, they both have basically turned up empty handed with books full of racist and xenophobic ideals and preconceived notions on goblins.
That is until Fabian finds an entry in a book on race lifespans and sees just how little time goblins have. He's inclined to believe it's a falsehood of someone who knew nothing of real goblins, but that notion dies when he realizes he picked the book up from the pile Riz had already read from and deemed the book to be true.
Suddenly, Fabian feels sick. His stomach feels like it's been pumped full of iron, making it feel heavy. He feels his chest clench tight like something had grabbed hold of him and was trying to squeeze life out of him. He realizes quickly it's the sinking, looming feeling of fear, but he can already tell it's not brought on by a spell..
Fabian can't stop his voice from coming out weak and shaky when he does speak. "Let's go The Ball… This was a mistake.."
Riz hums and throws the book in his hand onto the bullshit pile. "Agreed. All these books are bullshit anyways." Riz shrugs and gets up, stretching and yawning.
Fabian feels all but disconnected as he stands, looking at Riz. His Riz. Fabian feels tears fill his eye and he quickly shakes it away and starts walking.
—-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fabian isn't normally the one to spiral; that's Riz's job, but how could he not after learning what he just did?
Fabian sits in his room on his big computer and some deep dives and finds that it was indeed true. Goblins have short lifespans.
And for the first time, since his time in Leviathan, Fabian feels that sinking feeling. The one that makes his head and chest feel heavy. That feeling that makes his shoulder involuntarily slump like he has a crushing weight on his back. Fabian detests the feeling as it makes him crawl into bed.
Fabian should be spending his time with Riz while he has it. Instead, he lets the numbness fill his chest as he stares at the white ceiling of his bedroom. He lets the numbness drip into every part of his body like a poison sapping his life away. He feels tears slide down his face and feels his breaths ease into unevenness but does nothing but stare until he slips into sweet unconsciousness.
Fabian doesn't know how much time passes. He knows Cathilda comes in once or twice or… Fabian doesn't know. Just stares when she comes in sometimes, he thinks he says something but he can't really remember what.
Eventually Riz comes to visit and Fabian sits up, squares his shoulders and smiles, but he knows it's not real enough for Riz and Riz doesn't pretend like it is, but he doesn't say anything either. Doesn't wanna talk about it until Fabian does, so he just slips into the bed with him and holds him.
Fabian curls around Riz holding him tightly and lets himself cry fully and Riz lets it happen.
When Fabian wakes up in the morning, Riz is still there. Still in his arms. Fabian feels his pulse against his skin and can't help but breathe a sigh of relief.
When Riz wakes up, he helps Fabian get up out of bed for what feels like forever for Fabian. Convinces Fabian to take a shower, something Fabian hadn't even realized he needed until he was under the scolding water washing his hair. Helps Fabian eat, he hadn't even realized he was starving. Makes him drink water, his mouth had been so dry. How had he not noticed all of these things…
Once Fabian has all his basic needs met, Riz sits down with Fabian on the bed and Riz finally decides to broach the topic at hand. "Fabian… What happened?"
Fabian shakes his head and shrugs. He doesn't even know what he should say.
Riz holds his hands and the worry on his face becomes so clear that not even Fabian can ignore it, so he sighs and opens his mouth to finally speak and it's barely a whisper. "I-" He tries to clear his throat, how long had it been since he spoke an actual sentence?
"Did- did you know goblins only live for 60 years?"
Riz looks so confused, "Yes? What? Fabian you disappeared for a week. Everyone was worried about you but Hallariel ," He says her name with pure disgust and hatred. "She insisted you were fine. She wouldn't let me see you. Hell she still doesn't know I'm here. I had Cathilda sneak me in. Do you know how scary it was to see you laying like a corpse, Fabian?"
"Oh…" Fabian says nothing more.
Riz frowns. "That's it?" He takes a breath and tries to calm himself. "Fabian what happened? The last time I saw you was after our trip to the library. Even then you looked sick. Did- did you find something?" Riz suddenly looks insecure.
Fabian sighs. "Yes but… I'm sorry, The Ball. I.. I should've texted." Riz frowns more at that.
"Fabian, please just talk to me."
Fabian reaches out and holds his face, rubbing his thumb along his cheek like he does when they kiss, but he doesn't move to kiss him this time; he just scans over his features with his eye. "I love you."
Riz holds on softly to his wrist and feels the sting of tears in his eyes. He can't hide how scared he is. "I love you too Fabes… Please talk to me. Please, I'm begging you."
"Goblins only live for 60 years."
"Yes Fabian we established that. Please, what's going on? Is it like.. Like magical sickness?"
Fabian shakes his head and leans forward until he's completely laying on top of him. "It's such a short life…" Fabian whispers right into Riz's ear and he shudders like he always does, but he can't help but be confused.
"60 years is not short Fabian. Why are we talking about this…" Goblins don't talk about death. Sitting around talking about it is how it happens. That's why goblins live so fast. He never thought it was an issue. 60 years seemed like a normal amount of time.
"Riz what am I going to do when you die?" His words come out so quietly, so fearful, so shaky.
It's not Fabian. Riz thinks that it can't be, but as he feels the tremor of silent sobs on top of him. He knows this is Fabian at his truest. Fabian behind the facade. Riz doesn't know how to answer that. He's never even thought about it.
"What if… What if I forget you?" Fabian chokes on a sob on the last word but Riz knows what he's saying.
"Fabian…" He wraps his arms around him. "What are you talking about? Why are you so sure I'm going to die? Why are you so obsessed with this?"
Fabian sits up and looks at him, tears streaming down his face, and Riz decides right here he'll never see Fabian like this ever again because he hates it. This isn't his Fabian.
"Do you know how long Halfelves live?"
Riz thinks for a second before shaking his head.
"120 years. At minimum."
Riz feels like he's been shot right through the heart and he finally understands.
"Fabian…" Fabian's body shakes with sobs as he looks down at him.
"350 years maximum."
Riz shakes his head. He wants to cover his ears. He doesn't want to talk about this. He doesn't want to think about it. He wants to run but can't because of Fabian's weight on him.
"I love you so much. What- what am I going to do without you? How am I going to live for centuries after you," His breath jumps as he gasps, "When I can't even get out of bed for a week at the thought of having to mourn you?"
Riz keeps shaking his head as tears fill his eyes and threaten to spill.
Fabian dips his head down onto Riz's chest and continues to sob. "How can I keep going without you? You're my everything, The Ball!" He yells against him but there's no heat, only fear. "If- If I forget you- us -" The shake in his voice makes everything he says come out harsh.
He wishes he could comfort him. Could give him anything. But you can't fight life expectancy. Riz can't pull out his daggers or gun and kill it. Riz feels useless.
He could never imagine losing Fabian. Having to mourn the only person he's ever loved. The only person that's ever loved him unconditionally.
Riz lets Fabian sob into his chest, never answering his cries asking what he should do.
Eventually Fabian runs out of tears to spill, and his breathing just jumps.
"Fabes. I- I cannot imagine what you are going through. And- and I know that isn't in the least bit comforting, but I love you. I'll never stop loving you. Even in death I know I'll still love you because it is impossible to stop. You said it yourself. We've infected each other's lives. Even if you forget me in time I'll love you. Even if you fall for someone else-" Fabian sobs the hardest he has this whole time and Riz finally lets the tears spill as he tangles his claws into Fabian's shirt. "I won't stop. I promise." His voice breaks and cracks.
"But for now." He lets go of Fabian reluctantly to hold his face in shaky hands, forcing Fabian to look him in the eyes. "For now, I want you to spend as much of my short time with me, even if that's a selfish request… And Fabian, I don't want you to mourn me while I'm still here. Still breathing." He forces one of Fabian's hands onto his chest so he can feel his heart beating. "Still alive . And I will be until my time is up. So don't look at me like I'm already dead because I'm not, don't give up on me. I'm here with you and that's where I'll stay."
" Riz ," He sounds so broken and desperate.
"I'm here Fabian."
Fabian presses their foreheads together and holds Riz like he's his only lifeline in the sea of time he's seemingly drowning in.
"Riz…" He whispers his name again before pressing a kiss to his lips, and Riz can't help but smile.
"Any excuse to kiss me huh?" Riz says as he wipes his eyes, a small smile on his face.
"Always." Fabian says, his voice still far too soft and the half smile doesn't reach his eye.
Riz can't help but feel guilty for the hurt he's putting Fabian through by simply loving him.
But there is nothing either of them can do.
So they do the only thing they can do.
They hold each other.
Riz curled into a ball on Fabian's chest, his arms hung tightly around his form.
Fabian knows Riz is going to die far before him.
Riz knows it too.
It's a battle they can't hope to win.
So they'll love each other for as long as they can.
—-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fabian lays in bed for a little longer the next morning as he watches Riz.
Watches him get dressed, watches him put his many strap-on bags and weapon holders on, watches him sheath his weapons.
Riz has Our Devotions Edge on the sides on his hips now and has a holster on his back for his arquebus and the sword of shadows still on his thigh.
He loves watching Riz. He'll never tire of it, he thinks. In this moment, he tries to commit every part of him to memory. That way, no matter how long passes, he'll never forget.
He weakly smiles at him and Riz smiles back. "We're gonna be late to school because of you."
Fabian rolls his eye, "Whomp whomp."
Riz grabs Fabian and tries his damnedist to pull him out of bed, but with his 9 strength, he fails miserably and just ends up staring at him before he leans down and kisses him.
That seems to convince him as he gets up to kiss him a lot more lovingly.
"Now that you're up," Riz starts with a smirk. "Go get ready for school. The Owlbears missed their captain."
Fabian smiles and kisses him once more before leaving to get ready.
Fabian and Riz drive to school on The Hangman and the bike stays oddly quiet.
The day goes by in a blur and he really doesn't remember it as he just goes through the motions until he gets to The Hangman at the end of the day and sees his small boyfriend waiting for him, and he can't help but smile.
And as the two of them drive off to somewhere, anywhere, as long as they are together, Fabian can't help but let the heavy thoughts catch up with him.
He looks in the rearview mirror and sees Riz all smiles.
His life is so much better with Riz in it.
His world would be so dark without his ball of sunshine.
Fabian lets The Hangman take over driving as he looks at his Riz in the mirror.
His tattoos he knows Riz regrets that he got because Fabian made him do drugs for the first time.
He sees those stupid too-big glasses because they don't make proportional glasses for goblins (Fabian looked).
He looks down at Riz's hands around his stomach, holding onto him for dear life.
He looks at the rings he helped Riz buy for himself. All of them do different magical things.
The money they costed Fabian was worth nothing compared to the smile it put on Riz's face.
He sees the magical bracelets too.
Looking at Riz, his Riz, he's filled with all of their memories together.
Fabian can't help but think:
Riz so quickly became his everything.
Then quickly after:
When you lose everything, what will you have left?
He lets the thought sink into his very being.
He then feels Riz's claws tighten on him and he forces himself to relax.
He doesn't have to think about life without The Ball right now.
Not while he's right behind him clutching onto him.
For now, he just drives.