Work Text:
"...That reminds me of a pretty interesting topic, Jumpy... have you ever heard of the Clown Sightings of 2016? Apparently in America there was a large surgence of clown sightings..."
Oh god, Junpei internally cries out, how the hell did she transition to killer clowns?! It's fairly obvious how she did: since the two are at a McDonald's she earlier explained to Junpei the history of the brand, and then she explained their pioneering in the field of advertising, and then she explained their usage of their mascot Ronald McDonald, and now she's explaining the correlation between the 2016 Clown Sightings and the silent dismissal of the mascot within McDonald's marketing--such fascinating stuff, right? Well, not to Junpei.
Junpei has been stationed at the drive-thru window for--he checks his non-poison-filled watch--five hours at this point. Since four o'clock he has been forced to listen to constant beeping of machinery, forced to deal with his coworkers, and, worst of all, forced to hear customers explain random pseudoscience and history as they wait at the window for their food.
"...Apparently the earlier sightings in Wisconsin were intended to be a marketing scheme for a movie," Akane further explains to Junpei through her car window. She pauses and takes a sip of her twenty-minute-old flat sprite. "Isn't that interesting, Jumpy? One marketing scheme caused the death of another? I guess it's a great example of the domino effect--oh wait! I should probably explain what that is. The domino eff-"
She's interrupted by a honk from behind her car. She and Junpei snap their gaze to the other car.
The other car's window rolls down, and Dio pokes his head out. "God dammit! It's been thirty minutes! Stop talking and give me my damn McFlurry!"
"It's not my fault!" Akane (less-angrily) shouts back, "I haven't gotten my burger yet!"
Oh crap. Junpei looks back to the take-out bag table... to find nothing there. What the hell? Where's the order?
Junpei shifts his attention to the kitchen behind him as Akane goes back to her rant: "Anyways, the movie marketing couldn't be the only explanation for the phenomenon. For the next couple months, people made reports all around America..."
The McDonald's kitchen is a mess--literally and figuratively. Clover, the other poor schmuck working this shift, is "cleaning" the grill by pouring sprite on it, while co-managers Delta & Kubota stand at the Q-ing Oven (McDonald's brand microwave) to argue. Well, "arguing" is a strong word. It's more... Delta calmly explaining his complex motives for flipping coins in order to make the staff schedules. It's something about "making the workers SHIFT to their scheduled timelines" or whatever. Either way Kubota doesn't get the logic.
"...within months reported sightings had spread. Australians, Brits, and Canadians were all seeing strange clowns prowling around..."
Junpei sharply whispers to his coworker: "Clover! Where the hell is the food!?"
"Huh? Are you talking about Akane's burger?" Clover scratches the back of her neck. "Uhh, I think Delta was gonna do that."
"Clover! Why the hell would he make the food?! He's our manager; he's supposed to be doing... managery stuff."
"Dunno... he told me that he had to make Akane's food. Something 'bout causing future to happen events because they need to... but also they've already happened?... but like in a different timeline?... and I guess he needs to make them happen now so they happen again in a different timeline? I dunno, he didn't make it super clear."
Reminder to self: never work with espers, SHIFTers, mind-hackers--and whatever the hell else--ever again. "Okay can he get on with it then?"
"Why'ya asking me-"
Delta pushes past Clover with two bags in hand. "Junpei... you must give one of these bags to Akane. But be aware, the raw patties used in these cheeseburgers contain an infectious virus named Radical-6. One of these patties were cooked properly on the grill and is now safe for consumption... the other was improperly heated in my Q-ing oven and will not only infect Akane Kurashiki... but also six billion people on Earth..."
"Um, okay, what?" Clover blurted out.
"Yeah, uh, Delta what?"
"It's a decision that you were designated to make today. A 50/50 chance to kill your childhood best friend... doesn't that sound unfair? Life is truly unfair-"
"No, I meant 'what' as in 'what is the point of this Delta?'" Junpei corrects.
"My motives are complex."
"H-H-Hey! You already u-used that excuse today!" Kubota interjects from the manager's office.
"My motives are truly too complex to explain," Delta brushes off.
"Complex enough to buy out a McDonald's in Nevada?" Clover teases.
"See, it was all part of my larger plan..."
Oh great, another monologue. Lemme check on the first one. Junpei shuffles his body back to the drive-thru window to find that Akane hadn't noticed his absence.
"...It's almost as if people across the globe were subliminally being persuaded to partake in the clown prank... or maybe it was a secret underground army of clowns! Haha! Wouldn't that be funny Junpei? I'd call them 'clownidons'--y'know like the Myrmidons-"
"What the hell do you know about the Myrmidons!?" Dio shouts out, horrified.
"Ah! Oh, uh! Nothing!" Akane spits out.
Junpei turns back to the kitchen. It seems Delta has finished his non-explanation allegory speech about snails or whatever.
"What will it be Junpei?" Delta lifts up the bags in separate hands. "The left one? Or the right one?"
Junpei takes a second to think... okay left or right... theoretically you have a 50/50 shot of getting it right, but that excludes any apparent biases in the playing field. Jumpy did you know that-
Akane! What the hell! Why're you esper-ing in my mind right now!?
Don't get angry with me Junpei! I'm just trying to help you make the right decision.
Okay, okay, sorry. But can you make your explanation a bit short? I don't have much time.
Yeah, I'll try. Okay, so Jumpy... uh how should I put this... okay, wait, let me give you an example situation. In the game show Survivor, they had a gimmick where a player would choose from two jars in order to try to get a clue to a game advantage: only one jar actually had the clue, the other had nothing. Looking carefully at the show, you notice almost all the contestants pick the same jar every time--the left one. It's unsurprising if you think about it. Naturally, most people are right-handed, so when we reach out with our right hand we'll usually grab the object on the right, y'know? It's just feels like how it was meant to be. However, when someone is made to believe that the person who set it all up doesn't want them to get the prize, they'll often switch to grabbing the left object instead--it's an attempt to "outwit" the gamemaker. If we look at Delta's game in front of you, it's the same situation as the jars. This means that you'd likely end up picking the left bag... which means that there's a chance that Delta knows this! He knows you're right handed and will try to outwit him! So I'd suggest you choice the right side bag. It's the true way to outwit him!
Yeah, I 100% agree with Akane!
Clover?! What the hell are you doing in my esper-chat!?
Oh my god Junpei, you realize all us working here are also connecting to the morphogenetic field right now, right?
Y-Yeah, I second th-that.
Kubota?? You're an esper??
"Junpei," Delta speaks, "I too would like to inform you that I am listening to your conversation, as I'm using mind hacking."
Okay! Everyone out! Kanny, I'm cutting this connection! "What the hell everyone! Don't barge into my morphogenetic conversations!"
"Never mind that Junpei," Delta dismisses, "your time is running out. Choose now."
"I..." Junpei has zero time to think--what a dilemma! He makes a split second decision: "I'll take the left bag."
"Junpei! No!" Clover shouts.
"Gyaaaaaah!" Kubota's scream rings from the office, alongside the thud of him falling off his chair.
Jumpy...
Much to everyone's surprise, Junpei smirks as he looks at Delta's neutral face. "I gotcha didn't I?"
"I suppose you did," Delta responds, handing Junpei the safe bag.
"Wh-What?!" Kubota clamors.
"H-How!?" Clover shouts.
Jumpy... I see... you really did it...
Junpei speaks up, "see I realized what Delta's true game was... think about for a second, Delta's always aware of other timelines, and not because he's a SHIFTer or an esper, but because he mind-hacks us. When I took a second to consider that, I realized that he already must've known what we'd all say in the morphogenetic field during the decision. Meaning, he'd know you'd all tell me to choose right. Think about it then, why even bother then? Wouldn't that mean I choose right every time? No. Of course not. I still control my own actions... See, I think that was the true decision in Delta's game: whether or not I would listen to other's inputs... Honestly, when I think about it, shouldn't Delta want to have most timelines be positive? Shouldn't he want most of the timelines to not end with a disease killing everyone? So think about it. He would choose the most likely decision to be the positive one. He can figure out which is the most likely decision by looking into human psychology... according to many scientific studies, most people choose the option they're told not to. It's sorta like-"
Jeez Jumpy... how long is this going to take?
"Second that," Clover sighs as she leans on the kitchen counter, "this sounds suuuuper long."
"N-No monologuing o-on company time!" Kubota reprimands.
"Junpei," Delta neutrally says, "I'd like to inform you that I stopped mind-hacking you after the fifth sentence."
"W-What the hell guys!" Junpei complains, "so I can't do it, but you all can?!"
"No offense Junpei, but like... your monologue was boring." Clover puts her hands on her hips.
Sorry... but it's almost 9:30... my car battery will die if I sit here any longer.
"Screw you guys! I memorized an entire wikipedia page for that!"
"Where the fuck is my McFlurry!?" Dio shouts at the employees from the register counter. It seems he stormed into the store during Junpei's speech.
"Oof," Clover replies, "sorry man, the machine's broken."
"WHAAA--I WAITED--OH MY FUCKING GOD!" Dio starts foaming at the mouth and collapses.
Everyone just stares at him for a few moments.
"Uhhh, okay then..." Junpei turns to Delta, grabs the left bag, tosses it into Akane's car, and then shuts the drive-thru window. "Feels like it's about time for me to clock out."
Delta turns to him, "not just yet. For you see, that man over there is actually a clone of my dead brother that works as the leader of the army of my cult. The moment he entered in the doors locked-"
"Delta. Be straight with me here. Where is this leading."
"I had him plant four antimatter bombs in this establishment yesterday. Bombs that will detonate in... twenty-seven minutes. Clues to the location of the bombs are hidden around the restaurant, the codes are hidden in Akane Kurashiki's McDonald's bag... Junpei by using the power of the morphogenetic field and teamwork, you must solve this puzzle..."
"Why." Junpei rubs his eyes in tiredness and frustration. "And you better not say 'my motives are complex.'"
"...Team building activity."
"God damn it."