Chapter Text
Chapter one
Standing in his shadow.
Remus doesn’t remember the last time he saw the light.
It’s foggy, the last ten years, but he remembers before. Before this place, before rotten people and crumbling walls.
He remembered that there was light. A billion years ago, a star exploded in the sky and warmed his planet, shining light beams down onto his skin. His skin used to be a color other than white.
He remembers a lady with bright red hair and a finery personality, a woman who stood for what she believed in, what she was made for.
He remembers a boy, with unruly black hair, glasses and beautifully kind eyes. He remembered a loud and passionate voice, a boy who did it for a laugh, did everything to make others laugh.
He remembers Sirius. He remembers him by name. Remember him the most. Remembers his long black hair, blue eyes and his pale skin. He remembers his native tongue. Remembers his mole beside his right eye, and the tattoo on his right ankle they had gotten when they were 14 in London on summer break. He remembers sleepful nights. When the moon's light didn’t choke him and leave him desperately alone.
He remembers Sirius’ hands. How they used to glide up his body, nurse his wounds and stitch him back together after every full moon.
He misses his hands.
He misses his love.
Remus misses the sun.
Albus Dumbledore stands outside his cell, one hand clasped against the rusting metal, the other nursing a key to his chest.
Remus doesn’t meet his eyes, instead, staring at the ceiling, back to the floor.
“Remus” Albus says, his voice cracking, full of heartbreak and pain.
“My boy” he says again, knuckles lightly tapping the metal. “I wait for the day someone comes out with evidence to disprove your sentence”
that peaks Remus’ attention, turning his head and staring at Albus from the floor.
“And what evidence would that be? Who would have the courage to come out with it?”
Albus lifts his hand, unlocking the door and sliding into Remus’ cell, closing and locking the door behind him. He walks over to him, kneeling and sliding one hand under Remus’ neck, lifting his head from the stone.
“Anything” Albus whispers, “anything.”
”I’m not adriana”
”i know”
”Do you?”
”i do”
”I’m tired”
”i know”
Remus slips his eyes shut, leaning fully into Albus’ hand, but before he can fall asleep, Albus whisper something else
“Sirius is waiting for you”
Remus awakes with a gasp, shooting up in bed and ripping his shoulder out of its socket from pulling against his binds, Bellatrix in the cell over him, starts to hysterically screaming and laughing, muttering something about “crybaby’s” and “nightmares” Remus ignores her, sliding off his bed and onto the floor, where he uses the edge of his bed to pop his shoulder back into place.
he sits there for a while, back to the bed, hands bound together in his lap. Nobody speaks for a while, not even Bellatrix. It’s an odd thing, complete silence in Azkaban. Then barty starts to sing and his morning is ruined.
The singing goes on until the only meal of the day is served, Remus suspects it’s lunch, it’s pushed through the gap between the bars and the floor. The plate consists of grey slop and a bit of green crumble on the side, with a little cup of water that’s contents have almost spilled from all the tussles.
He uses his hands, it's the only meal he’s eaten in days, too sick to even sit up the last few nights, thank you full moon. He doesn’t have the dignity to eat like he normally does. Just grabs handfuls and bites into it.
It tastes like cardboard and mold. The green shit tastes like overcooked sprouts and mold and the water tastes like salt, dust and mold. After he eats he sits cross legged at the bars, forehead pressed to it, watching the guards and dementors walking about.
After hour 4, yes, Remus has been counting, Albus enters the big gates at the end of the hall. As he walks, people scream, shout, threaten, spit and try to swat at him from their cells. He hears someone shout “you're here to see your pet again Dumbeldore?!”
So, by the time he reaches Remus’ cell, he’s not particularly happy. Albus motions for the guards to open his cell, then motion for them to drag Remus out. He doesn’t fight it, not in the slightest. Just goes limp in their arms, the only type of physical contact he’s felt since Sirius. At the thought, a dementor sweeps over and starts to run its fingers down his arm. The pain is enough for him to stop thinking about his love.
They end up in a clean, all white room with a bed in the middle. He's been here before, countless experiments done in these walls, these floors. He gets himself situated on the bed, already knowing the drill. He places his hands in the cufflinks, slipping his bare feet into the loops at the bottom. He leans back and closes his eyes, the light hurting his retina. Someone taps his shoulder and when he opens his eyes, he’s met with the doctor. She’s around his age, if not younger with long, pin straight blond hair and blue eyes.
She reminds him of Marlene.
“We’re going to try something new today, Remus. I need you to keep as still as possible while we do this, is that possible?”
Remus nods, lifting his head up to look around the room. It’s weird that they haven’t changed him into a gown like they normally do, just leaving him in his old, tattered uniform.
About five doctors move around the room, one grabbing tools, the other grabbing hats and gloves. There’s way more interns here than last time. They line up on the right wall, all with various expressions. Various morals and values. At his feet stands Albus, hands behind his back, to stop the shaking, dressed in white and blue, what he normally wears.
The dream last night really put things into perspective for Remus. He has no clue if Dumbledore really believes what he said, or believes what he conveyed, it was a dream, but Remus can’t help but feel bad.
They all believe he did it.
He probably did, he means, he doesn’t remember what happened that night, doesn’t remember who spoke to him, what he said. Who he told. He doesn’t remember hitting Peter but doesn’t remember not. If he was Albus, he’d do the same thing. For Lily. For James and Sirius and peter and Marlene and Mary and DorcasanFrankandAliceandgidiounandfabionandhismuma
And- and
What was he worrying about?
It's just the light is so bright and the room is spinning.
Remus lets his head fall back onto the bed, staring up at the tiled ceiling.
The sky looks gorgeous today. He thinks, staring up at the clouds and the brilliant blue sky. He moves his head to the side, watching as James rips off his shirt and runs straight into the black lake. Laughter erupts from behind Remus and he can’t quite work out who it is. It’s a lady, so lily maybe? Or Mary?
Sirius follows James but doesn’t take off his shirt, just diving headfirst into the lake. Remus looks back up to the sky, watching the clouds more and letting the laughter wave through his mind.
On his left, Peter stands, looking down at Remus. The most guilt casted on his face that Remus has ever seen.
“Peter?” He mumbles, lifting a hand over his face to see him better. Peter just shifts, crossing his arms over his stomach. ”I’m sorry Remus”
“what?”
”it wasn’t meant to be you.”
Remus lets out a slight disbelieving laugh “what?”
Peter starts to shake, taking a step back “it wasn’t meant to be you, why was it you?”
Remus sits up, getting a better look at Peter. “Peter, come here, what’s wrong?”
The laughing behind them stops and when Remus turns to it, nobody’s there. He stands up, turning in a circle and stopping where James and Sirius are. They’ve stopped moving, James staring at Peter and Sirius staring at him.Peter takes another step back and Remus takes one towards him, Turing to fully face Peter.
“You’ve always been so kind to me” Pete stutters out, lifting his hands to bite and his nails, like a rat.
“You were the reason I’m even in this group to begin with”
Remus raises an eyebrow, lifting one hand when Peter takes another step back.
“Sirius was James’s best friend, why wasn’t it Sirius?” Peters started to get hysterical, the biting getting more aggressive. “You where good, you where good”
Peter takes another two steps back, and when his heel is caught on a root, he turns and starts to run. Remus takes off after him, vaguely taking note of the absence of Sirius and James. He follows Peter into the forbidden forest, tripping on roots and plants and sometimes, nothing, like there’s someone trying to trip him. He follows Peter for hours, further into the woods until they reach a clearing. Nobody’s there. Even though he’d just witnessed Peter run in here moments before, even though he’d just been inches away from grabbing him. Remus slowly turns around, feeling snapping twigs and crushing leaves.
“Alright, Remus. That was easier than we expected!” And the voice says and scares the shit out of Remus. He pats down his pockets for a wand that isn’t there.
“So Albus,” the voice whispers, talking to someone else. “This reaction is completely normal, we needed him on a few sedatives because he thrashes a lot during practice, this is him just coming off the drugs. He’ll be a bit delirious for a while after, just make sure someone is keeping an eye on him at all times just so he doesn't have a seizure.”
Remus’ eyes start to go white, and that loud ringing in his ear he’s been ignoring starts to get louder and louder until it's all he can hear and the white gets brighter until it's all he can see.
The forest and James- Sirius start to fade. He cries out for them, knowing this might be the last time he sees their faces, starts to stumble back to the forest, trying to find them again but the white is too bright and before he knows it, he’s staring up at Albus Dumbledore's face.