Chapter Text
After the storm comes the calm.
He had heard that phrase in one of Hyungwon’s movies, and Hyunwoo was starting to believe it. Things had run smoothly in the last few months, and he was happy to say that lately the gloomy days were less than the bright ones.
He had a show where he could meet other idols, talk, and eat. He got along with his co-host, and he finally had a say about who could visit them and the type of question he could ask. Hyunwoo didn’t have complete control, but it was a start.
Plus, he had been invited to a lot more programs and had found joy in working as a mentor to new trainees. It was weird knowing that so many talented young men looked up to him. He was used to fans in other contexts, but in a survival show he met with people who didn’t just like his music; they wanted to be like him. He was a role model. And he found pride in being aware that he could decide what kind of role model he wanted to be.
So he guided them the way he had like mentors and coaches had coached him and his friends when they were younger. Firm, but not mean. The teenagers and young adults were already under a world of pressure; the least they needed were harsh words without a real purpose. And the kids responded positively to this approach. Even Chan had commented that he had read only praises online when the episode aired.
So he could say he felt better, and he knew things would only get better. Wonho was finally back, which marked the beginning of the others’s military services. He had received his friend outside the camp and invited him to eat in a secret restaurant Jungwoo had discovered, and and that they were going to use it in one of the last episodes of Nopogy. He found that Wonho had changed little in those months: he was still the sweet, funny, and dorky man he had learned to love during their survival days. He was like a gust of wind, Hyunwoo thought as he listened to his stories with the friends he had made during the service. A gust of wind that pushed away all the thoughts of loneliness.
If Wonho was fresh air, Minhyuk was as warm as a ray of sunshine. He came back in October, when the weather was slowly becoming colder, but Hyunwoo barely registered it. They had managed to arrange all their schedules, and the six members received them outside the place he served. And Hyunwoo felt like something inside him had warmed the moment the young man jumped into his arms.
“I’m not letting you go until you die, Hyunwoo.” He screamed in his ear, too excited to control the volume of his voice. “It has been too long.”
“I know, Min.” Hyunwoo laughed. “I’m not letting you go either.”
They ate that afternoon in a chaotic peacefulness that only they could understand. There was screaming, teasing and laughter that echoed inside the whole restaurant. But still, inside that sea of noise, Hyunwoo sometimes found himself inside a bubble where sound and time stopped. From the members who were still serving, he looked the most changed. He was more buff, and his face, usually hidden behind layers of makeup, stood bare. Hyunwoo couldn’t help but stare and think that it suited him.
As they brought dessert, Kihyun caught him staring, and suddenly, the pair was inside the bubble.
Hyunwoo didn’t look away, waiting to see his reaction. Waiting to see where they were standing after so many months being apart.
The younger one’s cheeks started reddening slowly and a shy smile formed in his thin lips.
Hyunwoo was holding his breath. Too afraid to move and destroy their bubble.
“What? Do I have something on my face?” Kihyun looked away and started playing with the remaining food on his plate.
Hyunwoo shook his head and looked away too.
If the rest of their friend group noticed, they made a silent agreement of not mentioning.
>>
Minhyuk dropped over the sofa of their old apartment. Although they each now had their own place, they still used the dorm as a meeting point and a place to just hang out between activities. Hyunwoo had told him to wait for him to get ready because he had just come back from the gym and Minhyuk was okay with spending some time dumbly scrolling down social media. They had planned to go hang out with Wonho now that everyone was between schedules. After that day, Minhyuk was scheduled to travel to Paris for an art exposition, and Wonho would attend as a special host in a survival show while Hyunwoo finished a campaign for a clothing label. Wonho and Minhyuk were scheduled to appear as guests on the last episode, so they would be shooting together in about a week.
So there he was, laying down on the old couch with the faint sound of the shower as white noise, enjoying their last hours of freedom, when the door burst open.
The man had little time to try to guess who could have possibly entered considering none of the other members were in the city that day. The newcomer, a younger man wearing a black hoodie and black mask, took off his shoes and walked across the apartment until he reached the kitchen. Minhyuk saw him take out the juice box from the fridge and then a glass from the dishwasher. Minhyuk was so confused all he could do was observe the stranger move around the apartment like he knew the place.
“Oh, hey.” The other finally acknowledged his presence and took off his mask. “I didn’t see you there. Is Hyunwoo home?”
Almost like if the man’s voice had conjured the oldest, he stepped outside the bathroom completely clothed but his hairs still damp from the shower. Minhyuk turned around and in accusatory tone he exclaimed:
“Help to explain why the oldest kid of Stray Kids just finished my orange juice?”
“Shit! I didn’t know this was yours.”
Minhyuk rolled his eyes. “Not what actually upset me… but, yeah.”
Hyunwoo sighed as he messed up his hair with his fingers.
“Chill, sometimes he crashes here.”
“That explains absolutely nothing.” Minhyuk resorted. “Why?”
The two friends look at each other, silently asking the other to take the word and explain.
“So?” Minhyuk pressed, annoyed by the other’s silence. If there was nothing fishy between them, what was stopping them from explaining? It vexed him.
“Well…” Chan doubted a little before continuing. “He used to be my superior when he was at JYP and he just happened to reconnect.”
“Just like that.” Minhyuk couldn’t believe him. Not when he knew Hyunwoo’s complicated relationship with the company.
“Just like that.” Hyunwoo replied and reached the kitchen island while looking at Chan with a worried expression. “You good?”
“Yeah.” Chan shrugged. “I’m just going to go.”
“Please, don’t leave because of me.” Minhyuk intervened sarcastically but the way that he said it made Chan want to leave even faster. The youngest turned to Hyunwoo and gave him a small smile.
“Don’t worry. I’ll see you later.”
Hyunwoo looked uncomfortable. “Are you sure?”
Chan just nodded and after a rushed goodbye, practically sprinting out of the apartment. Minhyuk and Hyunwoo stood in silence for a few minutes. Minhyuk had a dozen questions running through his mind, but one in particular appeared almost a dozen times.
“So… Are you finally over Kihyun?”
Hyunwoo chuckled dryly. “It’s not like that.”
“Then explain.”
“Why? All of you have friends who are also in the industry, and I never question you about it.”
“My friends don’t have the code to the apartment I share with my bandmates.”
”So they do have the code of your personal place.”
“Touché.”
The oldest sat down on the couch in the corner Minhyuk had left free. Minhyuk had the urge to know what was going on between those two, but at the same time he knew he had no right to that information. Hyunwoo had the right to do with his personal life whatever he wanted, and he had the right of his privacy. Minhyuk refused to go as low as the company and take that away from him.
“We understand each other.” Hyunwoo finally answered. “And I know how hard it is to find safe places to… just be you for a while.”
Am I not that to you? Am I not your safe place anymore? Am I a person you also have to hide from? The questions almost left his mouth but didn’t. Because another kind of guilt was starting to appear inside his stomach. With the way he had acted, had he just taken that safe place from Chan? Well, shit.
“I didn’t mean to scare him off.”
“I know.” Hyunwoo put a hand over the other’s shoulder. “And I bet Chan understands that your attitude was because you saw a stranger enter what is your home too. I would have freaked out too.”
“I mean…” Minhyuk moved his body back and forth, trying to make the situation less awkward but failing miserably, “You could have warned me.”
“You are right.” The leader smiled widely at him. Too widely. “I’ll tell the others as they return.”
Minhyuk gave him the best smile and tried to keep on the act as they went to meet with Wonho. But the same thought kept still plaguing his brain… Am I not your safe place?
He was afraid to know the answer.
<<
In the darkness I found peace,
In the meaningless, I found hope.
Hyunwoo stared at the words on the paper. In the last few weeks he had decided he wanted to write a song. Hyungwon told him that the best way to start was just to write. According to him, it didn’t matter whether it sounded like a song or not. It didn’t need to be even good or have rhymes. What mattered was the act of putting down into words feelings that felt real for him.
He crossed the two lines and started again:
Sometimes I wonder if I actually feel what other people feel.
Sometimes I wonder if the numbness inside my chest is a malfunction.
How could someone love a defective…
He dropped the pen. The adjective was okay but, what was he? A money-making machine? A dancing robot? A stunted showman? No, the feelings he had had nothing to do with his work. The sense of ineptitude came from other areas of his life. He wrote the word " boy ” and then “ man ” . He was already more than 30; people his age had figured out most of their lives aside from their jobs. They had partners, they had meaningful relationships, and they were thinking about family. Him? His life was dictated by a schedule he couldn’t touch. He had a personal apartment and a second place for when his job demanded him to be available and close by.
People his age loved right. Or at least he felt like it.
Did I love or just hang to the nearest positive feeling I had on my reach?
He read it out loud. He would never, ever show this to any of the producers in the group. Why couldn't he turn words into beautiful things like Changkyun or Hyungwon?
He turned the page and started again although everything in him wanted to rip it from the notebook and destroy it. ‘Never delete anything,’ another piece of advice from Hyungwon, ‘it may be useful in the future’.
“Yeah, right…”
>>
“So… when are we going to start re-recording the songs?” Wonho asked once the cameras were turned off. Jungwoo had run off to talk to the director, so Minhyuk, Wonho and Hyunwoo were left alone for a couple of minutes.
“Don’t you mean when I am going to re-record?” Hyunwoo retorted. All they had to do was add him to the album they had made while he was away. He felt kind of bad, though, considering he would be taking lines from his bandmates.
“They are taking their sweet time.” Minhyuk complained. “I thought they would have them ready by the time we were out.”
Hyunwoo shrugged, not even trying to find an explanation. He had barely sung in the last few months, so it meant the company didn’t think his value was there. Well, that was obvious. The company had decided to exploit his looks while the rest were away. Without them, he was just a handsome idol.
“They are probably waiting for Honey.” Wonho added. “After all, most of the songs were produced by him.”
Minhyuk sighed loudly, and Hyunwoo instantly knew that he wanted to say something. Knowing someone for more than a decade taught you about their little clues.
“Spit it out, please.”
“I don’t…”
“You are not a discreet person, Minhyuk.” Hyunwoo interrupted him. “So you better ask me now that I just had three shots of soju.”
Wonho chuckled next to him.
“Okay, fine. You got me there.” Minhyuk rolled his eyes dramatically but said the next sentence in a serious tone. “Are you over Kihyun?”
Wonho and Hyunwoo looked around in shock at the bluntness of their friends.
“Try saying that louder next time; I think they didn’t hear you in the parking lot.” Wonho scold him.
“You told me I could ask.”
“Idiot.” The two oldest mumbled at the same time.
“And if this is about Chan, I already told you, we are friends.” Hyunwoo added.
“What about Chan ?” Wonho asked. “And which one are you talking about? Because if you are talking about Dino, I think he is a little too young for you.”
“The leader of Stray Kids.” Minhyuk clarified.
Wonho nodded, but suddenly his expression transformed into one of pure shock.
“There is nothing going on between us!” Hyunwoo tried to defend himself. “Minhyuk!”
“I thought you had told him!” Minhyuk exclaimed.
“I was going to, plus…” The oldest turned back to Wonho, who was googling the idol on his cellphone. With a quick movement he ripped the device from his hand. “He is just a friend!”
“I didn’t know you were into younger people.” Wonho commented. “But hey, he is turning 28 next year, so it’s not that bad.”
“I’m not dating him!” He turned quickly towards Minhyuk and pointed at him in a warning to not add anything to that. “And I am not dating anyone.”
“So you are not over Kihyun.”
Hyunwoo dropped his face into his hands. This was going nowhere.
“Hey, what’s going on?” Jungwoo asked as he sat down again with them.
“I need new friends.”
They all laughed at the comment; Jungwoo because he had no idea what had happened in the five minutes he was away and the rest because it would have been suspicious not to do so.
>>
I dreamed of old photographs . Hyunwoo wrote down in big letters in the middle of the page. That night he wasn’t in the mood to write, but not even trying felt like a failure. He started decorating the space around the letters. He wasn’t doing anything special, just doodling.
“Hyunwoo!” Changkyun called from outside his room in the shared apartment. “May I come in?”
It wasn’t usual to coincide, but in the last few weeks Changkyun had opted to stay at the apartment after his radio show.
“Sure.”
The youngest opened the door as Hyunwoo closed the notebook and hid it behind the screen of his computer. Changkyun was already in his pajamas and looked a moment away from falling asleep despite being standing. Hyunwoo chuckled at the sight; no matter the persona their maknae had tried to build in the last few years, for him he would always be the baby of his group.
“I was about to call Kihyun, but I cannot keep my eyes open.” Changkyun was holding his cellphone with his right hand. On the screen he could see the video all already open. “Would you speak with him?”
“And why don’t you tell him that and reschedule? I am sure he will understand.”
“I know.” Changkyun tensed his lips for a moment before continuing. “But I think he needs to talk to someone.”
Hyunwoo wanted to tell him he was the worst person to be talking to an upset Kihyun; that he was sure Kihyun would rather talk to anyone except him. But Changkyun’s expression told him he needed to do it. The reason? It was for him to figure out.
“Give me the phone.”
Changkyun thanked him and exited the room once the phone started ringing. Hyunwoo looked down at Kihyun’s profile photograph. He waited five rings before answering.
“I.M. If I tell you 11 pm, I expect you to…”
“Hey, Kihyun.”
The vocalist shut up the moment he noticed he wasn’t talking to Changkyun. Hyunwoo wondered if the soft pinkness appearing on his cheeks was an optical illusion made by the phone.
“Hey, Hyunwoo. Where is Changkyun?”
“He had a long night at the radio station, so he sent me on his behalf. Sorry if I’m disappointing you.”
“Don’t say that… But is he okay?” Kihyun asked with evident worry in his voice.
“Yeah, don’t worry.” Hyunwoo placed the phone on the table so he wouldn’t have to hold it manually during the entire call. “What about you?”
“What about me?”
“Changkyun sounded like he was worried about you. He told me you needed to talk to someone.”
Kihyun sighed, and if he had longer hair, he would have brushed it the way he did whenever he felt anxious.
“It’s not a big deal; I was just feeling weird… Homesick… Or something like that.”
“Any reason in particular?”
Kihyun wasn’t looking at the camera; instead, he had his eyes fixed on something on his right, out of Hyunwoo’s vision.
“This date is upsetting, at least for me.”
Hyunwoo nodded, remembering the line inside his notebook. He wasn’t sure how to process what Kihyun had just said. He was glad he wasn’t the only one feeling off during the anniversary of… that day. But he hated that someone else felt the way he did.
How can you describe the feeling of watching your world crumble under your feet? How can you paint with words the burning sensation of putting on fire your most cherished moments? He took the nearest pen and wrote down those thoughts on the last page of the book he had laying next to his computer.
“Are you with me, man?”
”Sorry, I just needed to write something before I forgot.”
Kihyun nodded on the other line of the video call.
”No problem.”
They stood in silence for a few seconds.
“You look nice.” Kihyun broke the silence. Hyunwoo tried to hide the impact of those words with little success.
“You look nice too. The military is buffing you up.”
“Don’t tell me about it. I swear, I feel pain in muscles I didn’t know they existed. But, I need to brag; I am actually at the top of my squad.”
“Do you expect me to be surprised?”
“Well, I must tell you that I heard that some people had little faith in me.” Kihyun chuckled.
“I meant that it doesn’t surprise me that you want to brag.” Hyunwoo corrected.
“How dare you!” Kihyun exclaimed without actual bite in his tone. “If I were there, I would slap that attitude…”
“Only if you can catch me.” Hyunwoo interrupted him between giggles.
“All I need is to make you run in circles.”
“Well, look at that! Now who is the mean one?”
The two men burst out in laughter, and suddenly they were 25 and 24 years old. During the hour and a half that lasted the videocall they managed to ignore the awkwardness that had surrounded their interactions in the last years. They laughed at Kihyun’s stories, they complained about management and busy schedules, and Kihyun even pitched Hyunwoo ideas of guests for Nopogy. When it was time to go, Hyunwoo noticed that the younger one seemed to be eager to say something but remained quiet.
“Good night, Hyunwoo.”
The leader waved his hand and let Kihyun end the call. Once the phone’s screen turned black he let out a long sigh. He took the notebook back from its hiding place and opened a new page:
Some days it's hard to see if I was a fool or you a thief.