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He drops slowly onto the bench, grateful for the relief after walking though the park for close to an hour. He figures he has about 20 minutes to rest before he walks out to meet his son Brian.
Zach has always loved Central Park. Brian wanted him to go to his business meeting but Zach said no, he would rather wander through the park, have some time on his own. At 72, his preference for quiet introspection over social interaction is fully entrenched in his personality.
He looks around, enjoying Central Park people watching, then glances at the person sitting at the other end of the short bench. Another elderly man typing away furiously on his phone. He’s mostly bald, tan, rather petite smiling at something he sees on his phone. There’s something about him… but no, that can't be.
Zach takes a chance, “Excuse me sir. Do you have the time?”
The man looks up at Zach, “It’s 11:15.” He smiles at Zach.
Zach freezes. The smile lights up the man’s face. And there it is. The distinguishing gap between his front two teeth. Those big brown dazzling eyes. Even all these years later, that face takes his breath away. But it can’t be. That’s impossible. Life doesn’t work that way. And yet he knows that smile anywhere. No matter how many years have passed, that smile is never far from his mind.
“Frankie?” he says, astounded.
The man squints at Zach, confused.
“Frankie. It’s me. Zach. Zach Rance.”
“Zach?” Frankie is astounded. He feels like he’s seeing a ghost, soaking in the once familiar face, now lined and leathered from years in the Florida sun. He looks enviously at the full head of hair Zach is still sporting, albeit mostly grey.
Frankie reaches his arm across the bench and grasps Zach’s wrist. Zach places his other hand over Frankie’s and squeezes as they both silently marvel at this serendipitous moment.
Frankie finally lets go of Zach’s arm, asking, “What … where… wh… what are you doing here?”
“Visiting my son. Brian. He and his wife Lisa live here in the city with their three kids. I’m… well, I’m just visiting for awhile. How about you? Still going back and forth between here and LA?”
“Not so much,” Frankie acknowledges. “It’s harder for me to travel these days. Arthritis and a bad hip don’t for a good traveler make. So I live permanently here in New York now. Ari tries to come out from LA a couple times a month. My grandnephew Mario is studying for his Ph.D. at NYU. She can’t go long without seeing him. Or me.”
“How about you? Did you ever have children?” Zach asks. He hasn’t spoken to or heard from Frankie in about 40 years.
“No,” Frankie smiles wistfully. “Always thought it would happen someday. But there was always an audition, a show, a trip, a project. Then I was 40, 45, 50. By that time, well, I didn’t think it would be fair to a kid to have such an old dad. Thankfully Ari has Frank and Ava, and they’ve had children, so I’m a great uncle. I’ve been a lucky man.”
“Another Frank?” Zach asks.
“Yep. Frank the third,” Frankie smiles.
“What about Sarah? Is she in New York with you?” Frankie had met Zach’s wife Sarah a couple times when he visited Florida and they would still have dinner or a drink, trying to hang onto the friendship they both cherished. It was always a bit awkward and a few years after Zach’s marriage they had lost touch completely. He and Zach had a complicated almost tragic history. Frankie knew Zach wasn’t straight but also that he could not let go of the feeling that he was supposed to have a wife and family.
“Actually Sarah passed away almost 20 years ago. Ovarian cancer. She was just 52.”
“Oh Zach. I’m so sorry. That must have been difficult on you and your kids. Did you ever remarry?”
Zach chuckles, “No I never remarried. I mean let’s be real…I probably never should’ve married in the first place. Sarah was a good woman. I can’t regret the marriage because I wouldn’t trade my amazing kids for anything. But I never felt truly at home in my own home. Never felt like I was living an honest life. Sarah told me when she knew she was dying that I should go meet another woman, marry again. But I knew even then that wouldn’t ever happen.”
Frankie gives Zach a weak smile. He knows what Zach is saying. He - a gay man - married a lovely Jewish woman and had children with her, worked in a corporate job, basically lived the American Dream. Except it wasn’t his American Dream. It was a dream he grew up hearing he should aspire toward. And he couldn’t let it go. It had been a sore point between the two of them and ultimately led to their downfall.
Frankie had fallen hopelessly in love with Zach after their summer in Big Brother. And Zach loved him too. There was no question. In the three years following the show they had a turbulent love affair with highs and lows that would rival any star-crossed lovers. Finally Frankie had to put an end to it once and for all. They had one last tearful night together in 2017 in Florida. Frankie had given Zach an ultimatum. Either come out publicly and move to New York to pursue a life together or they would have to just be friends. Frankie was 34 and ready to be in a steady out relationship, not be dealing with a closeted man, eight years his junior, who was conflicted and scared. After three years, his patience was shot. And Zach couldn’t do it. So they parted ways.
Zach interrupts the silence, “What about you? I know you didn’t have kids but did you ever marry?
“No,” Frankie laughs, “Ironically gay marriage became legal at exactly the right time in my life. But I never took the plunge. Had a few relationships over the years. I was even with one man for almost ten years but he was younger and finally got tired of being with an old geezer. I’ve been mostly on my own almost 10 years now. Still date some but let’s be honest. It’s not easy at my age.”
“Wait a minute,” Zach interrupts. “I turned 72 last month. That means you’re gonna be 80 in January. Holy shit!”
Frankie laughs, “Thanks for the reminder Zach. Yeah, I’m fucking old!”
“Sorry,” Zach says, “Even after all these years I still have no filter between what goes into my head and what comes out of my mouth!”
“I always kind of secretly loved that about you,” Frankie admits.
“I always kind of secretly loved everything about you,” Zach quickly replies.
Frankie looks at Zach puzzled, “What?”
Zach takes a deep breath.
“I told you about my son Brian who lives here with Lisa and the kids. I didn’t tell you about my other son, James. He’s an attorney. Got his law degree at NYU and now lives in New Jersey. With his husband Noah.”
Frankie just stares at Zach, not sure what to say. Surprised and yet not really.
Zach continues, “James was a boy’s boy growing up. Played sports all year round, was always outside running around with his buddies, the life of the party. Sarah got sick during his sophomore year of high school. He was devastated. They were very close. A couple months before she died, with her encouragement, James came out to me. He had already told Sarah but was scared to tell me. Isn’t that ironic? He was scared to tell me.”
Frankie sees the tears pooling in Zach’s eyes and scoots down the bench so he’s sitting next to Zach. He squeezes Zach’s arm encouragingly.
“I hugged him so hard,” Zach says, blinking the tears away, “And told him that I loved him no matter what. That his sexuality didn’t matter to me one bit. And that I was so proud of him for being brave enough to come out. I said I would always support him and all that mattered to me was that he was happy.”
Zach looks into Frankie’s eyes, “I basically told him exactly what I wish my parents, friends, and relatives had been able to say to me when I tried to come out to them. I did try, Frankie. I need you to know that. I just wasn’t heard. I wasn’t believed.”
“I know you tried Zach. And I tried to be patient. But after three years, I just couldn’t wait any longer. Believe me, you can’t imagine how many nights I lay awake wondering if I made the wrong choice. That maybe I should have waited, given you more time.”
He pauses then continues, “You know how they say heroin addicts spend the rest of their lives chasing that high they felt the first time they used? That’s how it was with you. I spent the last 40 years trying to find a love as pure and complete as the love I had for you. And the truth is I never really came close.”
“Me either,” Zach admits. “But the good news is that believe it or not, I’m no longer closeted.”
“Really?” Frankie asked, “Good for you. When did that happen?”
“Better late than never, right? I came out a couple years after Sarah died when both boys were in college,” Zach began, “They came home for winter break and we traveled to Colorado for a ski trip, just the three of us. One night, we were hanging around the cabin drinking beer and just talking. James asked me why I hadn’t dated at all since their mom had died. They both said they were worried about me being alone all of the time.”
“I don’t know what it was. The beer? The altitude? Just that I was tired of living a lie? But impulsively and without over thinking it, I came out. To my sons. Of course they were shocked. But not upset or angry. They were incredibly supportive. We stayed up all night talking. I even told them about you. I mean they knew about Big Brother and about my friendship with the gay guy named Frankie. But not much else.”
“I reassured them that I really did love their mother and that I had no regrets about marrying her because I loved our family life. The truth of course is more complicated. I did love my family life and can’t imagine not having my sons. But have I had regrets? Yes of course. Mostly I regret that I lived in fear for so many years. Fear of rejection and ridicule. Fear of disappointing my family. Fear of admitting to the world that I was a gay man. And more than anything if I’m being honest, I regret that I lost you.”
Frankie is quiet for a moment, looking down at his phone.
“You think there are any Zankie fans left?” he quips.
Zach laughs. “Well half of them were older straight women. And the other half - mostly teens. So… maybe a few?!”
“So does that mean you’ve dated men and come out to everyone in your life at home?” Frankie asks.
“Yeah, slowly but surely. I mean my oldest friends and Peyton – they weren’t surprised. Everyone pretty much suspected I wasn’t exactly straight. My parents both accepted it more or less. We never really talked about it and I didn’t bring dates to family dinners or holidays. It just wasn’t worth the hassle. Dad passed away almost ten years ago, mom about six years later.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. Mommy lived to 92. And Nonna made it to 101! We Grandes have some good genes. I miss them both so so much. Thank goodness for Ari. She reminds me so much of them. I have been blessed with amazing women in my life. Lauren is still one of my best friends. She’s married with a son and two grandchildren, but still spends every single Tuesday night with me, either going to dinner, a movie, or watching TV at my apartment.”
“Strigs!” Zach exclaims. “I always adored her. I’m so glad to hear she’s still around.”
“So how long are you in town? Any chance you can come over for dinner one night?” Frankie asks hopefully.
“Well, funny you should ask I’m… well, I’m probably going to be moving to New York. Or New Jersey. The boys are insisting I move up here. They don’t want me alone in Florida anymore.”
“Why not?” Frankie asks. “You seem to be pretty independent still. Are they forcing you to move?”
“No,” Zach stammers, “I mean, not really. It’s just… well, I’ve got some health issues. They want me to be closer.”
“Oh no Zach. What’s going on?” Frankie is terrified. That morning, he didn’t even know if Zach was alive. Now he’s petrified that he’ll be gone again.
“I have prostate cancer.”
When Frankie gasps, his hand covering his mouth, Zach smiles, “Don’t worry. It’s treatable. It was caught early. But the boys insist that I can get better health care here than in Florida. They know ‘people’ they insist. So I finally agreed to move. Peyton and his family live in Atlanta now so there’s really no close family keeping me in Florida anymore. But I don’t want to live with either of my sons. I need to find my own place. I refuse to be a burden to my kids. And there’s no reason I can’t live on my own.”
“Move in with me,” Frankie says quickly. He doesn’t even think about it. The words just spill out. But as soon as he says it, he knows this is the answer. This is the reason he and Zach sat on the same bench that morning. This is meant to be.
“What?” Zach laughs. “That’s crazy... Isn’t it?”
“No it’s not crazy Zach. It’s perfect. I still have the same apartment. There’s an extra bedroom. You can stay in there… or with me in my room,” he adds shyly. “You know. If you want.” He smiles at Zach and winks.
“Are you serious?” Zach asks. “Because I might just be crazy enough to say yes.”
“I have honestly never been so serious about anything in my life. Let me be your solution. Come be my roommate. I’ll take care of you. Hell, we’ll take care of each other. I have a driver and a car. We can get you to your doctor appointments and treatments. Zach, you will be doing me a favor. I get lonely. I can’t think of anything I’d like more than to have you back in my life. For real this time.”
Zach is silent, taking all of this in. Could he really do this? Live with Frankie after all these years? Yes, he thinks to himself! Of course you can; this makes more sense than anything that’s happened in decades.
“What are you doing right now?” Zach asks suddenly.
“Um… nothing really. I was going to relax here for an hour or so then have my driver pick me up to take me home. Why?”
“Come with me. Brian is picking me up in about ten minutes and we’re going to get deli for lunch. I can’t wait to introduce you. And to tell him that you’re my new roomie.”
Zach stands up and reaches down to help Frankie to his feet. Once standing, Frankie smiles at Zach. Zach opens his arms, “How about a proper Zankie hug?”
Frankie falls gratefully into Zach’s embrace. He buries his head into Zach’s neck, inhaling the once familiar scent, as Zach’s arms wrap around and hold him tightly.”
They eventually pull apart and smile at each other.
Zach leads the way as they walk slowly toward the street, commenting briefly on the beautiful trees and how much they love the cool fall weather.
They fall into a comfortable silence as they continue toward the street. After a few moments, Zach reaches down and takes Frankie’s hand into his. Frankie looks surprisingly down at their joined hands, then looks up and meets Zach’s eyes.
“Hi,” Zach says softly.
“Hi,” Frankie responds.
Frankie leans his head onto Zach’s shoulder. “I always knew somehow some way you’d be my end game, Ranceypants. Welcome home.”