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"Target. So is that like, commercialisation of the American gun culture?" Dan asks. He picks up a water gun as they walk by a summer display. "If I get this-"
"No," Phil says. He grabs it out of Dan's hand and places it on a different display.
"You just made some underpaid spotty-faced teenager's day harder," Dan informs him.
"You make my day harder." Phil stops to stare at signs. "Where are duvets even at?"
"Amazon has ruined us." Dan turns to peer in the opposite direction. "Let's go this way."
*
They don't find duvets. They do find a dorm supply area well stocked something called a 'bed-in-a-bag' - a phrase Phil says repeatedly in his American accent until Dan actually walks away, attempting to avoid the offended stares of a teenage girl. A woman with a toppling cart blocks his exit and he's forced to return to Phil's side.
The girl is still staring at them. It's not a look of recognition. It's a look of bewildered distaste.
"We're popular with your brethren on the internet," Dan says. "You don't even know."
She walks away. Phil covers his face with his hands but he's laughing. "You're gonna get us kicked out."
"You say that like escape isn't my actual goal here." Dan yanks the slick plastic bag out of Phil's hand. "We are not getting a- is that one Star Wars?"
He grabs one of the other ones.
Phil vetoes it in the end, because, "These are probably even cheaper material than the one actually on the bus now."
*
They do eventually find the adult bedding. The selection is as excessive as expected, and Phil needs to actually touch and read the information cards on every one.
"We can get any color," Dan suddenly says. "Phil. We can get any color here."
Phil laughs. "Yeah, Dan. We can."
"No Ikea. No blue and green. No black and grey."
"I like blue and green," Phil protests, weakly.
Dan will have none of it. "We get to be actual adults picking out bedding for reasons besides branding."
Phil grins. "Yeah.
"And we can pick it out together."
They don't go for PDA. It's not their style.
They do go for disgustingly soppy smiles across the aisle in a big box merchandiser while a three year old wearing no pants runs screeching between them.
*
They settle on a comforter that's mostly white with a thin medallion print in muted reds and greys, dark navy on the underside with navy sheets.
Dan also gets a plush pillow friend Darth Vader.
*
"How long do we have?" Phil asks.
Dan checks his phone. "Thirty minutes before they ask where we are. Forty-five before they actually come looking for us."
The crew are scattered in various stores along a massive outdoor shopping center.
Dan knows what Phil is going to ask before Phil even says it. It's not ESP or a psychic connection. Phil is just really fucking predictable when it comes to American foods. "Snacks?"
Phil beams at him. "Snacks."
*
"Birthday cake M&Ms!"
"What you're actually collecting in America are clogged arteries." Dan peers down at the shopping cart they've acquired. It's not full but there's a solid first layer to be built upon.
"So you won't be stealing any of it, then?" Phil asks. "Being a paragon of health and all."
"Please." Dan makes a dismissive face. "What you buy is half mine, right?"
Phil smirks at him. "That so?"
"Yeah, it's like, legality. We're partners and all."
"We're not married yet, Dan." Phil's voice drops lower, full of warmth and fondness.
"Business partners," Dan says, as though he didn't set it up on purpose.
"Oh, right." Phil nods. He doesn't believe Dan at all, not with the way Dan is smiling back at him. "In that case, still no. Get your own birthday cake M&Ms."
Dan snags a bag from the shelf and shows it to Phil. "Dark chocolate blueberries. It has fruit, see? Healthy options."
"Do the lies you tell yourself help you sleep at night?" Phil asks. "I hope they do."
"No, but you know what does help me sleep at night? You not elbowing me in the ribs every five minutes."
"Man cannot help his unconscious desires, Dan."
"And yours are to leave me bruised?"
"Apparently so. Though," Phil adds. "I know it takes more than that to bruise you."
"Phil!" Dan is mildly scandalized, but he likes it.
"Come on," Phil says. "I want to see what kinds of coffee they have here."
*
They actually do intend on leaving after a meandering stroll through sugar and caffeine-land but Dan wants a new pair of headphones and Phil buys a small succulent for the bus and they each get a pair of pyjama bottoms (not matching, of course, no way, just... complimentary. But they won't wear them at the same time, so that's okay, right?) and then-
"I bet they have the book." Dan's eyes dart toward Phil. "Can we-"
They've encountered it in the wild before but they've not really gone looking for it in America yet.
"How much time do we have?" Phil asks.
Dan looks at his phone. He has three texts from their bodyguard. "Five minutes. Ago."
"Half an hour?" Phil whines slightly.
"We were pushing it to get the first half hour," Dan reminds him.
Security free in America is apparently a big deal, but Phil wanted new bedding for the bus-away-from-home and Dan wanted to not attract stares from everyone around them.
Dan types a text back. His phone buzzes almost instantly. "Half an hour," Dan says.
*
They do go to visit their book.
"Dan, why are we beside the pregnancy books?" Phil picks up a copy of What To Expect and starts flipping through it.
"I dunno, Phil, you tell me. Before Target does. You know, I read this article online about this store, the way they catalog your purchases and send you adverts based on your purchasing habits. This girl bought a pregnancy test and then came back the next week and started getting vitamins and Target ended up letting her parents know she was pregnant before she actually told them."
"That's terrifying," Phil says. He's still holding the book, looking around. "Should we sign it?"
Dan's face lights up. "Do you have a pen?"
"... no."
"Go ask for one?" Dan says.
Phil's expression belies his firm no. "I don't want to talk to anyone. American sales people are weird."
"Don't act like this is an American thing. You wouldn't want to go up to a shop worker in England, either."
"... true." Phil admits.
"You should lick it," Dan says. "Way better than a signature. Actual AmazingPhil DNA. And probably some of mine, too, considering where your mouth was this morning."
"Dan!" Phil laughs. He raises the book close to his face as if he's contemplating it, and then shakes his head. "No, I'm not gonna lick it."
He puts the book back onto the shelf.
*
They lose ten of their precious minutes to Dan discovering the Star Wars toy section. There's a frosty moment of argument where Phil tries to assert that they don't have room on the bus for special collector's anything, and that if it was actually that special or rare of a deal this is not the store it would be housed in.
Dan buys a new novelization and a special edition of the bluray just out of a refusal to walk away empty handed.
*
They almost make it out the door.
Almost.
But as they're standing in the checkout line, Phil's nose twitches.
"You look like a maniac."
"Dan." Twitch. Twitch.
(It's fucking adorable, but Dan won't admit that aloud.
Not where people could hear.)
"I smell popcorn." Phil's hones in on where the scent is coming from. "Dan, they sell popcorn here."
So they stop for popcorn first and popcorn is thirsty eating so they get a slushie (Phil indulgently lets Dan mix the cherry and coke flavors himself) and then beside the popcorn counter is a Starbucks so the slushy is abandoned to Dan in favor of Phil getting an iced coffee drink. "Do Americans have extra hands for shopping in places like this?" Dan asks, pushing their cart with his forearms since the others are busy holding onto his precious popcorn and drink.
"This store probably sells extra hands," Phil says. He's trying to lick the whipped cream through the little hole in the top of his drink's dome lid.
"Distracting," Dan sings under his breath.
Phil swipes his finger through the whipped cream and holds it out to Dan. He's got that daring little smirk on his face. Dan's eyes dart around and then he quickly licks it off.
Dan's heart is pounding a little. How pathetic, right? Forget being kinky in the bedroom. Minor public displays of affection are all the danger their sex life needs.
But Phil is grinning when he takes another drink. "This was fun."
"Shopping? Freedom? Popcorn as a reward at the end of a long journey of capitalistic indulgence?" They've cleared the exit and stand there looking around, assuming someone from their group will just spot them and approach.
"Spending an afternoon with you that wasn't in a bus or a hotel room." Phil smiles that slightly disarming way he has, the one he used all the time when they were younger but over the years has become reserved for fewer and fewer people. Dan would fight an army to keep that smile alive. "Also, the popcorn."
Dan spies a familiar figure approaching and starts to push the cart in that direction. "Well, as long as you've got your popcorn."
*
Phil's half asleep by the time Dan finishes washing up. It's another travel night, but if luck is on their side the roads will be smooth and straight.
He stands in the small doorway between their toilet and the bedroom and looks at Phil, eyes shut and glasses off, body turned toward the center of the bed. He's got his own pillow underneath his head but the bedding tugged up around him is the new stuff they bought today.
"Stop staring at me," Phil mumbles.
Dan laughs and pulls the top blanket back, crawling in. They don't touch on purpose or cuddle up but they lay close, knees bumping and turned toward each other.
"It was fun," Dan says, softly.
Phil smiles a little. Dan watches him until his eyes grow heavy and then in between one moment and the next, he's asleep.