Chapter Text
Admittedly, communication was not his strong suit. Oh, sure he knew how to talk and listen. Very well in fact. Tommy likes basketball, MMA, and specialty beers. They watched romcoms all the time, it was very endearing. Ooh, maybe they should watch that tonight-wait, communication, right. So, Buck was never good at communication. Not in the way that mattered. Moving Taylor in was far much easier than admitting he got drunk on tequila and kissed his coworker. Therapy helped a lot, but there was something far easier and more rewarding if he did things to show he was all in. With Tommy, they talked about that habit, they worked on it together. A lot, actually. So, maybe asking him to move in wasn't a shock. However, he could have sworn that the coffee date at the beginning prepared them for this. Buck had even made sure to bring it up during that first coffee date.
Buck gripped onto the takeaway cup as they headed out the gated picnic tabled area. Tommy never left his side for long, the older man seemed to always be a step away. Which was nice. almost easy even. It helped that his shoulder's relaxed in the short time they were together that afternoon. Between that and the fact he hadn't stopped smiling since he asked Tommy to try something with him, it was almost freeing. So sure, he brought up the wedding more. After all, he had to let Tommy in on the planning details, and why wouldn't he ask the man about coming to his bachelor's party? He was Chimney's friend after all.
"Howie is not going to like that. Sure, he is interested in karaoke but he is more low-key than that these days." The older man chuckled. Tommy had such a nice smile. It made his face scrunch and his eyes lighten up. Then there was how strong his arms were. Like, he really needed to ask about his arm routine. Maybe he would like to give him pointers. Or they could go to the gym together. Unless that wasn't boyfriend material. Oh god, he didn't know how to be a boyfriend to another man. How on earth was this going to work, and he asked him to his sister's wedding? God, what was he thinking?
As Buck spiraled he felt a warm hand on the small of his back and suddenly he was being guided away from the curb. There were no words, no sound, and surprisingly no thoughts on his end. Just an amused smile on his-boyfriend's? Partner's? Tommy's face.
"I think I lost you there for a moment, kid." He deadpanned, in an almost faux serious kinda way. Though even Buck was able to detect the hidden concern behind it. He knew he should probably offer platitudes or at least explain. Though there was no easy way to explain. Not this, not now anyhow? How would you explain gaps in communication when you just did something incredibly impulsive?
"Sometimes I say things, but they don't come out right." Buck blurted out, moving a hand to rub the back of his head. His eyes shifted away from the other man as his face heated up. He had just gotten the other man to give him another chance. Tommy, this cool guy that was confident and competent. He couldn't, no, he wouldn't mess it up this time. If he hadn't already.
"It's not that I do it on purpose. I will be trying to say one thing but my brain goes too fast for my mouth to keep up. So I would be trying to tell you one thing but jump to the finish line without meaning to." Buck rambled after Tommy stayed quite a moment too long. It's not even that he means to do it. The rambling and the over compensating instead of communicating. And the misspeaking.
Not counting what just happened, he could name so many other times he did this. Eddie alone, though that was another thought. Not one he even wanted to delve into at all. Taylor's heart broken face when he admitted kissing Lucy- Natalia in general. God, now he was doing this to Tommy. How-why did he keep doing this, why can't he just learn how to-
"Okay, I can work with that." Buck felt his thoughts fade at the sound of the other’s voice. Though it took him a moment to fully comprehend what Tommy has even said.
"Yeah?" Buck asked, finally looking back at the other man. Tommy’s nose was scrunched but otherwise looked as though he was deep in thought. Maybe he was trying to come up with ideas on how to work with it. An unpleasant part in the back of his head suggested that he might be reconsidering.
"Have you ever heard of the color system?" He eventually landed on. It took a moment for the words to sink in. When they finally did they didn't fully understand why he was bringing up the traffic light system? Sure, Taylor was really into kinky things. Like, safe word and silk ropes. Those actually made his skin itch. Anyhow, he knew the system relatively well. What he didn't understand how they jumped from communication to, well, this. This didn't have much if anything to do with sex. Well, maybe sometimes it did, but he didn't want to talk about that.
"Yeah? Like green means go, yellow means pause, red means stop?" Buck rolled his eyes, almost expecting this to be a joke. Except, Tommy wasn't laughing. Buck gnawed on his lips and looked back down to his feet. Why did he keep messing this up? Also, what on earth was Tommy even getting at?
"Exactly." The other man said, forcing Buck to look back up at him. "We can use that system to help. When you think I'm not understanding what you mean, or when your thoughts get to fast, you color out. We stop, then discuss."
The way he explained it, it left no room to argue or for failure. It sounded almost nice. He'd never truly tried to find a way to help with this issue. He sorta expected that no one would have wanted to.
"Yeah-yeah, that works." Buck knew his face was probably cherry red at this point. Then there was slightly larger hands wrapping their finger's together. Buck squeezed the other man's hand, and Tommy returned the gesture.
"Good." The older man hummed. Buck smiled back at him and gently bumped his shoulder into the other's. The two continued on their walk, coffee cups still in their free hands. How on earth did he forget those? His drink was probably cold now. Which wasn't pleasant. Not that Tommy even liked his coffee. Maybe he could figure it out on his own. After all, with their system in place, that gave them room to come up with interesting games. Well, if they played games, he already knew the rules.
“I mean, those colors work in other places too." Buck joked, making Tommy laugh.
Sadly, Buck had to color during more often than he'd like to admit in the early days of their relationship. Most notably being when Kim showed up at the station, making Buck late to his date-there was no way he could explain that in a text. Tommy was understanding, though he didn't fully comprehend how much she looked like Shannon. Which was fair, because Buck thought she was Shannon at first.
Once Bobby returned to work they seemed to have their communication down to a science. So they stopped practicing their colors and it seemed to go well. Sure there were hiccups but they all resolved themselves. Then he asked Tommy to move in, and the system seemingly left his brain all together.
They had used that system a few times. More so in the beginning of their relationship. Buck hadn't had to use it in a month or so now. So, it didn't surprise him that he hadn't thought about their arrangement until now.
"You wouldn't mean to, you wouldn't plan for it, but you'd end up breaking my heart." The words hit Buck like a bus. What did he mean by that? He loved Tommy. Why did he think he'd break his heart? "And I-I don't think that I could deal with that."
The words were taking too long for Buck to fully comprehend them. Still, he tried to scramble his brain for any idea of what was happening? They were just talking about moving in. What went wrong? How did they get here? What on earth did he say that made Tommy think he would break up with him or break his heart? If it was something he said then they could fix it. Buck could figure out-why did Tommy look devastated? No, he could not have that look on his boyfriend's face. He needed to fix this- he needed to stop this-
"I should go." Tommy said softly, standing up from his stool. He could hear the small scrape of the legs against his floor. Buck couldn't stop this. He needed to stop this. But Tommy kept on moving to the door. Which wasn't great. How could he stop this how-
"Wa-wait, wait- hey-hey-hey. Wait, did you just break up with me?" Buck eventually asked, finally remembering how to speak. Thankfully that made the other man pause and turn. The hope he felt at the gesture didn't last.
"Yeah, I guess I did. Believe me I didn't see it coming either." Tommy sighed. "Shoulda known that parking spot was too good to be true."
It was like his heart shattered. Buck tried his best to think of anything to make this stop. That was not what he wanted, but he couldn't reach words that would make this any better. How did he let this happen again? How can he fix this? Why can't he fix this? He needed Tommy to take control back and make things go right. But the other man wasn't doing it. Didn't he know this was one of those times Buck needed him to make things better?
"See you around Buck." Tommy whispered.
"Red." Buck said quickly, his mouth reaching the word before his mind could comprehend he spoke them. When he didn't hear the door he repeated the word again.
"What?" He could hear Tommy say but by this point Buck had his eyes closed. The only thing he could think to do was grab onto his hair and repeat the word like it was a lifeline.
“Red-red-red-red!" With each time the word left his lips it raised in volume. He needed this to stop, why wasn't his daddy stopping?
"Hey-hey, what's wrong? You gotta talk to me, sweetheart." He could hear the other man say. His voice was soothing but it wasn't helping.
"Red means stop. You gotta stop. Red means stop." Buck tried his best to calm his own heart down but it wasn't too late. His brain was running on overtime and his system was shot. He needed his daddy to take control now.