Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

                           John gasps awake, clawing at his throat. “what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck” he repeated to himself like a mantra, voice hoarse. It felt like he was being suffocated in his sleep just then.

John props an elbow, catching his breath. He didn’t remember what he had dreamt about, but it was definitely bad if he woke up like this— out of breath and sweating like he was standing on the sun's scorching hot surface.

John felt a wave of disappointment wash over him— disappointed he woke up to another day full of misery.

It’s no secret that John is miserable.

He grew up, straight A’s— except for drama class, he couldn’t act for shit. went to west point once he turned 18, been in the military since then, had numerous successful hostage rescues & taking down terrorists, had a wife, and had his best friend by his side. Then it all went to shit when he ruined everything. He just had to loose control conveniently in front of the public right after witnessing lemar's death and his wife leaving him along with their kid. 

he just had to fuck things up.

John doesn’t remember his childhood as much, he remembered the fire— when his house was engulfed in flames seemingly out of nowhere, his mom entering the burning house to save his sister and leaving him behind to suffer as the fire was already engulfing the room he and Kate had slept in, and his brother— Mike coming back in to save John. Another memory he remembered was burning himself while trying to learn how to cook when his mom didn’t cook for them or was out working late or when his brother was out serving his time in the military. But other than that, he barely remembers anything else.

John pushes himself off his bed to sit on the edge, pinching the bridge of his nose, massaging up and down. ‘great a fucking headache.’ he thinks to himself. 

his body ached all over, although he was used to it— it was still a bitch to deal with.

Ever since the fight with Sam and Bucky after John killed that terrorist a few years back, they snapped his arm in half—which healed quickly but painfully, but also did a number on his back. Ever since then he would wake up to his body aching like a bitch.

well… okay his whole body doesn’t hurt, but his back surely does. 

John looked over to his nightstand, 4:30AM flashed bright red on his digital clock.

John stands up, rubbing his eyes as he goes towards the windows to push open the curtains.

The curtains unveiled a breath-taking view, the sun hadn't come up but nonetheless it was still beautiful outside. 

He did miss looking outside his window to reveal the stars scattered across the sky in his bedroom with Olivia when they were kids back in Georgia but he knew he could never go back to that comforting feeling. They could never be the same after what John had done.

John shaked his head as he turned away from the view to head towards the door. He doesn't deserve to be here, he doesn’t deserve anything.

As John closes in on the kitchen, all he thought about was what should he make for the team? John knew their favorite foods and all that but he only made them for special occasions. It’s just that John was just feeling out of it, in a bad mood and he didn’t want to ruin everyone's day for being a shithead. 

He is self-aware that he is in-fact an asshole but it’s not like he does it on purpose. He didn't know what was wrong with him, he just felt so much all the time and sometimes nothing at all, it was tiring and confusing.

He asked lemar about this once when they were kids at lemar’s parents home, lemar was confused and tried to help him but… john didn’t want Lemar to worry so he just brushed it off.

As John reaches the kitchen he then decides to make eggs for the group. Eggs are fast and easy to cook so why the fuck not.

He opens up the fridge, picks up the remaining eggs and places them on the counter. John looked through the cabinets in search of a bowl, a fork— to beat the eggs with, salt, and 6 plates.

When he found what he needed he rolled up his sleeves and started to work on the eggs. Cracked the eggs onto the bowl, beat the eggs, then poured in onto the pan— that was already there when he entered the kitchen, sprinkle in some salt and transfer the cooked egg on the plate. 

He cut up the egg in 6 portions, 1 for each member and put it into their plate. John grabs the apples, bananas, and oranges from the untouched fruit bowl and places it beside their plates as well. just for good measure he grabbed some protein bars from their stash and added it to their meal— if he could call it that.

John walked over to the coffee maker and started to make one for those who drank coffee in the team. When he finished, he picked them up and slid them beside their plates.

John didn’t want to arrange the plates so he just left it anywhere on the counter, he couldn’t care less— they could just claim one plate, get a fork and eat for fucks sake.

John leans on the counter, claiming a plate and moving it towards himself.

He grabs a fork and starts eating his eggs. 

Val scheduled a meeting today at 5am, so he expected to see all the other members to be out by now.

A few minutes go by, the team starts to spill out from their rooms and enter the kitchen to see John drinking his coffee staring into god knows what.

He does that a lot— zoning out for no reason. He didn't even know he was doing it until Yelena pointed it out once during a team discussion.

“g’morning” he grumbled, raising his eyebrows. “made breakfast” he nodded his head towards the food on the counter.

Yelena, Ava, and Bob collectively slumped onto the stools in front of the counter. Alexei walked to lean onto the counter next to John and Bucky leaned onto the counter next to Yelena.

they all started eating whatever the fuck john made with no complaints. ‘thank god’ walker thought to himself. He doesn't think he can handle any bullshit today.

“Let's finish up quick” Bucky sighed, looking at the time on his phone “Val expects us to be in the conference room in 10.” 

groans can be heard from the rest of the team, “are you kidding me? we just got here." Yelena complained, her free hand waving at the food in front of them. 

“Okay, okay everyone, I know it’s way too early but… I can't do anything about it.” Bucky says, sipping from his coffee mug. “Val says we have to begin the mission as early as possible but we still need to be briefed about what we should expect and what we need to do.” he says, placing the now empty cup on the counter.

John hears the collective sighs coming from his fellow team members in the room, taking it as a sign to go get a shower.

As John leaves the kitchen— pushing past Alexei, Bob calls out his name. 

John turns around, humming in response. “Where are you going?" Bob asked, slightly tilting his head.

“going to… take a shower?” he replies dryly, “I’m already done eating so… might as well freshen up a bit.” he says, raising his eyebrows. His right hand raised as he spoke then falling to his side once he stopped.

“We’re going to Val's meeting in what? a few minutes?” Yelena says, slightly shaking her head, looking up at him from her stool. “I don’t care if you’re dirty, walker. We're going to be late if we're going to wait for you to finish your shower.” Yelena sighed. 

‘but i feel so pathetic like this’ he thinks, all the sweat he conjured up during his night terror still stuck to his skin. a reminder how fucked up he is.

“Whatever” John huffed, rolling his eyes as he made his way back to his spot from before. “Just hurry up.” he grumbled, turning around to face the counter to refill his coffee.

Alexei placed the cup in the empty sink, stretching his arms out. “That was a DELICIOUS meal, Captain!” he cheered. 

John flinched at that— his senses were always extra sensitive in the morning, squeezing his eyes close to compose himself as his headache grew.

From his peripheral John noticed that Bob also flinched, it oddly calmed him a little. 

it always seemed to calm him down when someone could relate to him, knowing that he wasn’t alone. 

god what a fuck up he is.

“Yeah, thanks” he says, covering the entrance of his right ear with his index finger. 

“I’m guessing Val wants this mission done in a day? since we're all out so early.” Ava droned, she chewed off the last piece of her protein bar.

“Yeah…” Bucky says, standing straighter when he lifted his phone to check the time. “We're going to be late, let’s go.” He says before walking out the kitchen, towards the elevators. clicking the button to their floor, prompting the doors to slide open.

John followed closely behind, keeping his mug—full of coffee in his hand. Bob and the others trickle behind him as they make their way to the entrance of the elevator.

Bucky blocked the elevator doors with his metal arm, John stayed behind as everyone else pushed through to get into the elevator, squeezing themselves into the tight space.

He was last to get in the elevator, pressing the floor with the conference room as he steps in.

John always stayed behind when they were trying to squeeze their way through in the elevator. He always had this instinct to protect them— be their shield. He didn’t want any one of them to get hurt, they don’t deserve that. Even if all of them are assholes in some way, they still don’t deserve any of the burden they carry. He didn’t want any of them to die before him, he just couldn’t bear the thought of failing to protect someone he cared for again.

He always had this expectation of himself to always protect people and keep them safe— like how he once felt when Mike had saved him in the house fire when they were kids. This expectation of himself is what keeps him from just ending it. He didn’t have any purpose left when Olivia left him, so all he had left was this drive to protect people and make people feel safe because what other purpose can he fulfil that isn’t fucking impossible?

A nudge from his side snapped him out of his trance, John turned his head to see Bob.

“Are you okay?” Bob whispered, trying not to alert the others.

Bob was pressed onto his back, He could feel the warmth of Bob's breath on the back of his neck. 

John didn’t notice how close they were until Bob had caught his attention.

John hummed in response, slightly turning his head towards Bob's direction.

“oh okay, just checking…” Bob said, sheepishly looking away. “You uh, kinda went somewhere for a second.” he quietly added, if john didn’t have enhanced senses he wouldn't have picked it up.

Speaking of enhanced senses— he could tell the two other super soldiers in the close space were acting like they didn’t hear what Bob had said just then, awkwardly shifting away, trying to look occupied or distracted.

‘hm’ was all he could muster as a response as he took a sip of his warm coffee. 

Wait… Why did he bring his coffee mug in the elevator? you know what, who cares anyway.

Finally, after a few more minutes of the agonizing quiet in the elevator, the elevator doors dinged open to reveal Mel waiting on the other side holding her tablet.

“oh, Val’s waiting in the conference room for ya’ll.” she said quietly as she pointed towards the door to the room. 

“Sorry, the elevator took longer than expected.” Bucky says, his voice low and soft.

“Oh no worries” she said, smiling at Bucky. “Well, she’s expecting you now!” she hurriedly rushed them all to the conference room.

When they all burst through the doors, Val was sitting on the far end of the table. with a black folder set in front of her.

“Well, you all sure took your time!” she says standing up from her chair.

“We're like 2 minutes late, calm down.” John growled, rolling his eyes.

While Bucky and Yelena took the seat closest to Val— John decided to sit next to Yelena, plopping his coffee-filled mug on the table.

Look… He hated Val all right, but he didn’t want to miss out on any details on the mission; he also enjoyed how attentive Yelena gets during mission briefings, she was mostly quiet during these meetings so he didn’t feel overwhelmed as much.

Alexei sat across from him, Ava took up the seat next to him— putting her feet up on the table, and Bob sat next to Alexei.

“Okay…” Val says, clapping her hands together, “Let’s start shall we?” 

The projector blinks open, revealing a picture of a secluded 2 story home, a garage on the right side of the house, and a shed on the left back side of the seemingly normal home.

“A man who is wanted by the FBI has escaped and they suspect he’s hiding out in this home— holding the family hostage inside.” Val announces as she clicks the remote flip through different pictures of different angles of the house. “They want you to eliminate the threat and save the hostages.” 

“Why are we working with the FBI now?” Bucky Questioned, furrowing his brows.

“We work under the government, Bucky." She reminded Bucky, giving him a glare.

“Why are we doing the FBI’s dirty work? couldn’t they do it themselves?” Ava spoke up from beside John.

she was right, the FBI had swat teams and hostage negotiators to do this kind of stuff— so why would they need their help?

“Well the thing is,” she sighs, flipping to the next slide to reveal a messy laboratory filled with various liquids of different colors— some foaming in beakers and some mysterious liquids stored in spray bottles and a lot of vials of blood. The room was littered with papers about super soldiers. 

oh what now?

“He has taken up a hobby that involves trying to recreate the super soldier serum!” Val says, clicking her tongue.

As John scans the picture— taking note of every detail, he notices a familiar article in his peripheral vision off to the corner.

“Is that… me?” he blurted out when he took a closer look at one of the papers that were scattered on the ground of the photo.

The paper had a big picture of him as Captain America with a big red circle circling his face over and over again, along with multiple other writings in black ink beside his circled face.

He couldn’t read what the madman wrote on his paper about him, but it was creepy. It sent chills down John’s spine.

Everyone else had straightened up in their seats, squinting their eyes to see what John was talking about.

“There's another one of John in the bottom far left…” Bob voiced, gulping, eyes widening as he continued to spot more articles of John in this psychos lab.

“He seems to be obsessed with Captain over here!” Alexei pointed out, sitting back on his chair.

Oh god why was this freak obsessed with him? look… he had done so many shitty things to a lot of people, but what could he have done to deserve this psycho to be head over heels for him?

“He seems to have a crush on you, John!” Ava teased.

John shot her a look, which only caused Ava to shrug at him in response. 

“As you can guess he really likes John, but the FBI didn't seem too worried for John to be on the mission so… I say why not put John on the field.” she shrugged, clicking the remote to reveal a rather disturbing picture of man's eyeballs hanging out of his eye sockets and his guts hanging out.

John couldn’t look away, don’t get him wrong it was truly disturbing and disgusting but he just couldn’t tear his eyes away. He didn’t want to look weak in front of the team, didn’t want to be vulnerable— not here, not now, not ever.

“This was one of his past human experiments… Any more questions?”  Val looked around the room, her hands falling to her sides.

“Do you have the blueprints of the house?” John asked loudly, uncomfortably shifting in his seat.

“Yes, John, of course we do. What? Do you really think we're stupid enough not to send you the blueprints?” she scoffed, signaling Mel to give them the supposed blueprints.

Mel quickly handed the black folders to each of them, stumbling as she made her way towards their direction. 

John hesitated to open the file in front of him, this psycho who was madly obsessed with him, did that to one of his human experiments… then who knows what he wants to do with John when he sees him.

The thought made John feel uneasy.

John sighed as he flipped open the file, he can feel Bob quietly eyeing him as he looked through the documents. It’s not like he was being subtle about it…

The pictures in the file were not anything he wasn’t familiar with— It was filled with photos of the suspect, the home, the family he was holding hostage, and the human experiments.

“Oh that is disgusting!”  Alexei yelped as he flipped a page. “Yeah…” Bob coughed from Alexei's side.

“Okay so, I don’t have time to be here and hear what the fuck is your plan because i am needed elsewhere.” Val announced, clicking off the projector. The lights in the room brightened. “So don’t make a mess.” Val concluded as she scanned the room, stopping at John. 

Val walked towards John, leaning down into his ear. “Don’t fuck it up for all of us, John.” she snarled, straightening her posture as she walked away, Mel following behind.

John's fist tightened, digging into his palm. Squeezing his eyes shut to compose himself— keeping himself from letting his anger take control of him. 

Ava scoffed from beside him, "Bitch.” she murmured, as she eyed Val as she was walking away.

John felt his phone buzz in his pocket, catching the attention of the two women beside him. John reached for his phone, opening it to reveal a message from Lemar’s mom.

“Hey John… It’s been a while… We miss you a lot. We would love to invite you over for dinner sometime. Call me when you’re free. Love you always”

 The text read. 

He did miss them, a lot. He grew up with them— in that house, they were more than a family than his family was to him. They took care of him, loved him, and treated him as part of the family.

It felt nice having people who cared so deeply about you, but what hurts is the fact that his own family couldn’t give him that, he had to seek it somewhere else.

Lemar’s mom and dad kind of… took him in. When his mother was upset at him for no fucking reason— he would run to Lemar’s mom, she was always so kind and loving to him, embracing him with such warmness that he never got from his own mother.

John hesitates but clicks the message anyway, he didn’t know what to say to her. 

He would update her every now and again, he would write about how it was like in the tower, what he saw that day, anything that reminded him of lemar and how much he missed him, and how he was. He didn’t reveal too much to her about how he was mentally— he knew that he wasn’t fine but he didn’t want her to worry.

Before John could type a response, Yelena spoke up from beside him. “Oh, who's that?” she asked loudly, peering over his shoulder.

“it’s none of your bussiness…” he grumbled, closing his phone and putting it back in his pocket. 

Yelena scooted back a little, “okay jeez, don’t need to be so defensive” she says, raising her arms up as if surrendering.

“Okay… so” Bucky sighed as he stood up, positioning himself to where Val had stood from before. “We're traveling to the location using a cargo plane. It will take a while to get to the location since the target is 4 states over. We’ll set up comms as soon as we land, Plant trackers on each of you in case the mission goes south…” he continued, clenching his jaw. “We don’t know what this mission will bring us, so we have to be careful.” he says, looking at each of them.

The missions were always unpredictable, no matter how easy it sounded— somehow something always goes wrong. On the last mission, their comms went out— they couldn’t warn each other or communicate their status to the team and they couldn’t find where yelena went, Alexei kept exposing their positions to the people who were actively trying to kill them while calling out for Yelena, and they kept bumping heads. They were clearly still figuring out the dynamics of the team and to take extra precaution next time…

“Well it’s a secluded area, barely any other houses for miles.” John pointed out, crossing his arms over his chest. “So I suggest that Bucky and Alexei take the front entrance, and Ava and Yelena take the back door— once inside Bucky will search downstairs, Yelena take the 2nd floor, Ava will take the garage, and Alexei guard the exits.”

“We don’t want to give this guy a chance to escape, and remember, he took hostage of a family. Look for any signs of where he might be holding them, rescue the family, and eliminate the target on sight.” he continued, looking around the room for approval.

“If the target threatens a family member, try to defuse the situation— talk them down, distract them enough for them to lay down their weapon and then that's when you strike.” he says, rising to his feet, leaning on the table.

It was out of habit that John would make up a plan and lay it out for everyone to disagree or agree, he had many experiences of leading a team to rescue hostages and eliminating terrorists. He normally wouldn’t speak up in mission briefings— usually just observe and nod every once in a while, but something about this mission felt similar to the missions he had way back then of eliminating terrorists and saving hostages. 

He was kind of on autopilot so he didn’t expect that he’d speak up at all, it felt like he was just floating around in his mind and somehow and for some reason his body said what he was thinking about out loud.

Everyone seemed to nod in agreement to his plan.

“What about you?” Bucky asked, his brows furrowed. 

“I’ll take the shed out back, one person is enough to clear it of any threat.” he then turns to face bob, “If you want to join, you can have access to our trackers and comms if you wanna listen in.” he suggested.

“oh uh… I don't know, "Bob said, his voice low, avoiding eye contact with John.

For some reason it irked John how Bob would be more nervous around him than anyone else. Of course Bob would hate Val— they all did, but does he hate him? Did he remind him of his father too much?

John did apologize to Bob a few weeks into living in the watchtower for being an asshole. Bob was hesitant at first but when he realized John was serious, he forgave him almost instantly. ‘I forgive you, Walker. It’s okay.’ Bob reassured him, giving him a soft smile.

Even though Bob forgave him— well at least verbally, he had this running thought that he only “forgave” him just so that he would leave him alone, and that Bob hated him.

he doesn’t blame Bob at all, after all John is nothing more than a piece of shit who's angry and miserable all the time.

“You can be the one who has access to our status so every time the comms go out, we’ll be able to ask you what's the other's status. I’m just saying… you can be useful in missions.” John shrugged, trying to ease the tension between him and Bob.

“I think it’s a good idea,” Yelena spoke up, everyone turning their heads towards her direction. “Bob gets to see what it’s like in the missions and we don’t have to worry if the comms go out.” Yelena yawns, rising from her seat, stretching her arms out and placing them on her hips.

Everyone turned their heads to face Bob, awaiting his response.

“yeah, sure… why not.” Bob said, briefly making eye contact with John then looking away. his hand coming up to rub the back of his neck.

Alexei slapped a hand on his back, “BOB’S FIRST MISSION!” He cheered, repeatedly slapping his back. “SO HAPPY TO FINALLY HAVE YOU WITH US ON MISSIONS!”

Bob eyes Yelena as Alexei continues to pat his back, prompting Yelena to speak. “Okay— okay dad, that’s enough.” she says, signaling Alexei to stop smacking Bob's back repeatedly.

“My bad.” Alexei briefly apologized, leaning back on his chair. “It’s just sometimes I exaggerate and forget what I'm doing with myself, you know?” he explained.

‘Well he can be a little too much at times…’ John thought.

Bob shook his head at that, “Oh, no it’s fine. It’s okay.” he reassured, a smile forming on his lips. Alexei relaxed in his seat upon hearing Bob’s reassurances.

“So… why do I have to be the one to check the garage?” Ava questioned, putting her feet down from the table.

John slowly turned his head to look at her, “So that you’ll block the suspects escape route— in case they try to run away.” he says, furrowing his brows, “There is also another possibility that he might have hid the family in the garage or in a vehicle parked in the garage.” he added.

“We should all be able to clear the rooms I assigned for each of you, this is crucial— so don’t forget to communicate that we already took care of this area. I don’t want us wasting time checking rooms the others already went through. We must consider all unknown variables and be prepared for all possible outcomes.” John concluded, moving away from the table to push the chair in. 

“Copy that, captain!” Alexei exclaimed, saluting as he got up from his chair.

“All right, we’ll go with John's plan. Let’s all meet up back on the helipad in 10, don’t be late.” Bucky announced, walking off— concluding the mission briefing.

“yeah, yeah…” Yelena murmured.

John quickly dug into his pants to retrieve his phone, opening up Lemar’s mom’s message from earlier— he had intended to respond to her.

‘Can’t today, been busy with new assignments lately. sorry if I haven't been updating ya’ll. I’ll try asking for time off next week to go home and visit ya’ll… Hope you and pa are alright back home. Stay safe. Love you Ma.’ John responded.

When John put his phone down, he was startled by Yelena who grabbed his shoulder from behind him.

Everyone else had already left, it was only John and Yelena in the room.

“are you… okay?” she asked, her voice low and soft. It almost seemed like she was worried for him.

John turned to face her, “what?” he questioned, shaking his head. “Yeah, I'm fine.”

“You said that back in the vault too, you know? she muttered, dropping her hand from his shoulder. ‘She's disappointed in you.’ a voice in his head creeped in.

“hm?”  he hummed, turning his full body to face her. “What do you mean?”

“When you were about to jump down the elevator shaft? remember that?” 

John's eyes widened in realization, It was when he touched Bob’s hand and he got transported into his shame room and was snapped back to reality by Yelena.

John wondered if it wasn’t for Yelena catching his attention, would he have continued to jump? would they have cared? would the world be happier with him gone?

Even if he had jumped, he would’ve survived anyways… The serum not only enhanced his senses but also gave him the ability to jump high as fuck for some fucking reason. 

He tried to jump before—when Olivia divorced him, to test his limits. It took weeks to heal, and he was constantly in and out of consciousness due to the pain and the drugs they were pumping into him. All the nurses and doctors that took care of him looked at him with this pity look on their faces, he felt weak…

His doctor tried talking to him about how he should get help— hire a therapist, but John didn’t listen, instead he threw himself in his work to distract himself from thinking.

Thinking only made it worse, because if he stopped to think— at this point he should be put on suicide watch.

Everyone in his life abandoned him, so what's the point in living if everyone also agrees that he wasn’t enough for them to stay?

“Walker?” Yelena called out, snapping her fingers in front of his face to get his attention.

Yelena was clearly growing impatient with him. 

John shook his head, his hair flying to his face. “sorry uh…” he said, stumbling backward. “I need a shower.” John grumbled, scrunching his face as he made his way out the meeting room— leaving Yelena alone, forgetting his coffee on the table.

‘great now you seem more of an asshole’ the voice in his head chuckled.

He didn’t mean to leave yelena, he just couldn’t stand to be vulnerable right now. It was all too much, he feared if he started talking— the tears wouldn’t stop.

As Walker made his way into the elevator— quickly pressing the elevator button to close the door, he swore he saw a familiar figure in his peripheral vision. 

The figure was pitch black— he couldn’t see from his peripheral any details other than the fact it’s a human, but its presence felt oddly familiar. The familiarity oddly eased him.

The figure’s neck started bending, a crack can be heard echoing in the elevator as the doors closed in. 

Lemar?

John whipped his head towards the figure’s direction, but it seemed to have dissipated?

what the fuck was happening to him? He’s always had these instances where he’d seen someone in his peripheral and disappear as soon as he turned its direction.

Walker spun his head around, looking at every corner of the elevator space. There was no sign of Lemar.

“John…” a voice similar to Lemar’s voice whispered in his ear, startling John, causing him to stumble back.

He was definitely losing it now. A lot is happening and he can’t take it. 

John’s hands bawled into fists— coming up over his ears, pressing firm. squeezing his eyes shut. His headache creeping back in.

He pounded his fists on his head, it hurt but once the pain was all in one place— it doesn’t hurt as much anymore.

The elevator door dings, opening the doors. John quickly made his way to his room, ignoring everyone in the common room— asking where Yelena was.

John didn’t want to deal with anyone right now.

When John shut the door behind him in his room, he quickly peeled off his clothes, leaving them on the floor. Practically running to his bathroom.

He adjusted the temperature, making the water run hotter than his usual temperature every other day. It was just a bad day and he needed to feel numb.

He winced once the water hit him, it was scorching hot and it felt like his skin was melting off but this was what he needed.

John huffed, grabbing the shampoo Olivia always bought for him, squeezing it into his hand. Lathering his hair with it. 

The shampoo reminded him of home, he had used this brand ever since he was a kid. Lemar had said he liked the smell of it.

John ran his fingers through his hair, the shampoo rinsing off from his scalp. He grabbed the soap and started lathering his body with it.

As much as John wanted to stand still letting the hot water run down his body, he didn’t want to smell like shit during or after the mission.

John couldn’t stop thinking about what happened with yelena earlier, how did she know to check up on him? Did the others notice this? Was it that obvious he’s a miserable piece of shit? He’s so pathetic. After everything he’s gone through— you’d expect him to get his shit together by now. He’d killed and saved so many people, you’d think the fact that he’d saved many lives balanced out the killing that he did but… the blood couldn’t be washed off. Even after all the scrubbing, John felt filthy. Every part of his body was stained with blood, and he couldn’t do anything about it but to live with it. John felt disgusting, he couldn’t imagine anyone ever enjoying his mere presence. Everyone else had their own shit to deal with and they seem to be doing alright, but John… It felt like he was crashing down and he couldn't get back up.

After Lemar died, he felt that no one would ever truly love him like Lemar did. With Lemar, he felt loved and cared for— of course it was the same with Olivia but with Lemar it was different. Lemar knew him ever since they were kids— John practically lived in Lemar’s home for the majority of his life.

Then… Lemar was gone.

John never realized how codependent he was with Lemar until he died. It felt like he lost his soul. 

Lemar and Olivia were the two people who loved him for who he was and truly understood him. 

He can’t hate Olivia for leaving him, though it hurts— it wasn’t her fault, it was his. He is a selfish asshole who only thinks about himself.

Will he ever be enough? 

who the fuck cares anyway. He’s a weapon, used for eliminating other pieces of shits. He shouldn’t dwell on this feeling, he’s not supposed to feel this way. 

John let the water rinse off the soap he’d lather himself with. turning off the shower and grabbing the towel on the sink to ruffle through his hair— water that clung to his hair flicking everywhere. 

Water that landed on the foggy mirror started to drip, the mirror reflecting John revealing.

He was not fit, he wasn’t like Steve Rogers where he automatically gained abs and enormous pecs or anything— the serum subtly enhanced his strength barely making it visible on his body. How his body was like before, it still looked the same now. 

Before the serum he went to the gym every morning and ran miles in the dead of night to prepare himself. He still continues this routine to this day, even though he doesn’t need to since he's a supersoldier. Just because he is a supersoldier that doesn’t mean he’s not allowed to work out anymore and bulk up even more.

Even though his body barely changed, he certainly bulked up, making his arms bigger.

He was proud of the progress he’s made. Even though his mental health was declining, his physical health was healthy and he didn’t have to worry about his physical body.

John moved the towel to dry the rest of himself off, wrapping the towel around his waist when he was done.

John opened the door to see Bob in his room, awkwardly looking around— his back turned to the bathroom. Was he waiting for him?

“What are you doing here?” John blurted out, catching Bob's attention— whipping his entire body to find where his voice came from.

“uhh…” Bob said once he locked eyes with john— who was naked with a towel wrapped around his waist.

Bob looked down at him then back up to meet John's eyes. Bob’s eyes widened in realization, his cheeks flushed.

“Hh sorry, i- i didn’t know… i’ll leave…” Bob stumbled on his words, already bolting to exit John's room.

“Wait…” John muttered, running his hand through his hair. “Why did you come here?”

That stopped Bob in his tracks, not turning to face Walker. reaching into his pocket to grab something.

“Here… your uh…” Bob extended his hand backwards, trying not to peek a look in Walker's direction. “your earpiece and tracker.” he continued.

“Oh, thanks.” John grabbed the tracker and comms earpiece from his hand, placing them onto his desk. “You know you don’t have to do all that right?” 

“Hm?” Bob hummed, risking a peek to look over at Walker.

“I’m covered from the waist down,” John pointed at his towel. “So you’re not like violating anything.” 

“Well yeah but… You just got out of the shower so i thought you know… You might not want me to look.” Bob finally turned his body to face Walker, trying his best to maintain eye contact with the man.

“We’re both men anyways, this shouldn’t be out of the ordinary.” John shrugged, “And we’re technically roommates." he says, raising his eyebrows.

Bob nodded at that, looking down sheepishly, shifting his weight. 

“Is there anything else?” John said, stepping closer towards Bob.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you this…” his eyes flicked up at John's eyes and down. “Can you train me?” he finally blurted out.

“What?” 

“I’ve seen you train every morning… and I want to join you.” Bob said, his eyes now only looking into johns. 

“Why me? Isn’t Yelena the one training you already?” John said, tilting his head.

“Yeah I know… But I can't spar with her properly cuz you know… The sentry and all that.” Bob started to fidget with his fingers.

“Well why not the other super soldiers? I’m sure they can handle you just fine.” John said, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Bucky told me it was better to train with you, since you have the ‘perfected version’ of the serum… from what I have heard.” Bob muttered, his hand reaching up to rub the back of his neck. “And he thinks you're strong enough to handle my strength…” his eyes straying down.

Don’t get John wrong but… he is strong enough to take on bucky— if it weren’t for both Sam and Bucky teaming up to break his fucking arm in half and fuck up his back, he would’ve probably did some damage on the both of them. With Alexei he wasn’t so sure, he was a bigger man and obviously he had that advantage but since Alexei’s supersoldier serum is from years and years ago then John would have the upper hand since his is the perfected version of the serum.

John had experienced teaching other soldiers to perfect their forms and postures during his time, especially the 1st year when he saw others struggling— he volunteered to help them out. 

John stared at Bob for a few seconds, “he really said that?” He asked, skeptical at the sound of Bucky saying something remotely positive about John.

Bob nodded in response. his hands coming down to play with the hem of his sweater. 

“Do you want me to?” John asked, his eyes softened at Bob.

He didn’t want to pressure Bob, after all Bob  hated him and he didn’t want to scare him away.

Bob looked up again, surprised at the sudden softness. His eyes softened in return to John’s, “yeah, I’d want you to.” he said firmly, a smile hinting at his lips.

For some reason that made John feel all sorts of ways he can’t explain. A weird feeling in his gut started growing. What was this feeling? Why does he have this need to grab him close and never let go? 

“When do you want to start?” he blurted, trying to ignore the feeling in his gut. He didn’t want this weird feeling to obscure his relationship with Bob.

“maybe after the mission?” Bob suggested.

“Sounds good to me.” He affirmed, pressing his lips into a thin line.

They stood still for a few seconds. Silence fills the room.

“I uh… gotta change now so… if you don’t mind?” John said, his head jerking towards the door's direction.

“Oh, right! sorry…” Bob quickly made his way to the door. “Thanks, Walker.” he beamed before closing the door behind him.

What the fuck was that?

Where did all these feelings come from? Wasn’t he like… wallowing in his patheticness before this? 

Fuckass moodswings… he complained in his head

He couldn’t help it, Bob was a soft spot for him. He didn’t treat him any differently or anything but if he had to choose someone… It’d be Bob. John found his movements warm and calming, it reminded him of Lemar’s mom.

John spun around to find his suit conveniently placed on his bed, Bob must’ve moved it from his closet to his bed.

‘huh’ was the only thing he could muster up, Bob must’ve looked through his room.

John didn’t mind since he doesn’t have anything to hide, and It’s not like Bob would make fun of him or steal any of his stuff.

John walked towards his dresser, picking up a pair of briefs to wear, sliding into the pair. Turning around to put the suit on, shimmying his way in to put it on.

John had been bulking up for a week, so the tightness of his suit wasn’t a surprise. It felt tighter around his arms, chest, and back, but he didn’t mind it.

Should he have put a bullet proof vest underneath? he usually does— with missions like this since his shield wasn’t going to protect him as it used to before. But with his recent bulk, he couldn’t add anything underneath.

John sat down on his bed and started to strap himself with all the guns that he may possibly need, including a hidden mini pocket knife in his boot.

John decided he shouldn't wear the helmet yet, he’ll wear it once the mission starts. What’s the point if he's going to wear it now if he’s not even on the field yet?

John groaned as he stood up from his bed, making his way out his room.

As John slowly makes his way into the common room, he hears chatters coming from the common room. John focused on his hearing, trying to decipher who and what they were talking about. It was Yelena, Bob, and Bucky in the common room.

“You’re going to start training with John? Yelena asked from the couch.

“Yeah.” Bob simply replied, shrugging at her.

“I wouldn’t worry too much, Yelena." Bucky says, his voice low as he sat down on the couch. “John wouldn’t hurt him.” 

Did they think he was going to hurt Bob? 

“I think I'd prefer to train with him either way… If I had to pick, I’d still choose him.” Bob said in a firm tone. “He doesn’t hold back on me and treats me normally— like any other human being, like I'm not some fragile thing…” he admitted, his voice cracking.

This stops John in his tracks, his chest tightening.

How can someone like Bob stick up for him like that? Why would he pick John out of everyone? He was an asshole and yet he’s saying these nice things about him— How ‘normal’ he feels when he’s around him. John didn’t know he had that kind of effect on Bob.

They all knew Bob is Bipolar, and honestly John couldn’t give two shits if he was or wasn’t. John was equally an asshole to everyone anyways. John didn’t even know if anyone did treat him like a fragile object, John was all too busy in his own bullshit to notice. It stumped Walker when he started researching about Bipolar disorder and found that he related in some ways but not fully. He understood the unpredictable highs and lows— some days he wakes up happy he’s alive and then the next second he wants nothing more than to die. 

He’s currently in therapy, he’s trying to be better and step outside of his comfort zone and all that. In therapy he would either not talk at all or talk too much— it usually depends on the day. He was later diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder by his therapist upon hearing John talking about how everyone abandons him in one way or another, how empty he felt sometimes— like he was on autopilot, and his impulse control and many more fucked up shit about John throughout their therapy sessions together.

His therapist further explained how he saw all the symptoms in him since the beginning— the inappropriate explosive anger, the impulsivity, the feelings of emptiness, the intense mood swings that changes every 5 seconds, the fear of abandonment, his fucked up self image, the self harming behaviors, and the constant dissociation. 

When his therapist got into detail what BPD was, John had never felt so complete. He finally found the reason why he is the way he is.

John didn’t announce this to the team, he didn’t feel like it was important for them to know so he didn’t say anything. When he heard that Val got word of his diagnosis, he panicked at first. Would he be off the team now? What was going to happen to him? But luckily Val doesn’t give two shits about it and just told him that he shouldn’t tell anyone about his diagnosis because it might get leaked to the public, ‘You know how the public gets…’ she had told him. His therapist also explained to him the public perception of people with BPD— telling stories about how some therapists would reject patients with BPD and how demonized Borderlines were in the media.

John wasn’t planning on telling anyone anyway. The only people who knew was his Therapist, Lemar’s family, and Val. But if he had to choose to tell someone from the team, It’d be Bob and then maybe Yelena. So it truly warmed John’s heart knowing that Bob didn’t hate him as much as he thought before.

At that thought, he gets the courage to round the corner to finally face the trio in the common room.

It looked like Yelena was going to say something but when she saw John, she stopped herself from continuing.

“Where are the others?” John queried, plopping himself on the couch near Bob— setting his helmet and taco-shield the table in front of them.

Yelena, Bucky, and Bob collectively shifted in their seats. They clearly didn’t anticipate him to have gone out at this time.

“In their rooms.” Bucky responded— lifting a water bottle to his lips, eyeing Yelena.

“oh, great.” John rolled his eyes, sinking deeper into the couch. “I’ll just rest my eyes for a bit…” he drawled, his already falling shut.

Though it’d only been a few hours since he woke up, it already felt like he’d gone through a whole fucking weeks worth of exhaustion.

He felt everyone on the couch had slumped more into their seats as well, marinating in the comfortable silence for a while.

“How much of it did you hear?” Bucky spoke up from beside him, John could feel the trio’s eyes on him— anticipating his response.

“Not much… just the end part really.” he confessed, keeping his eyes closed. Crossing his arms on his chest.

look… he doesn’t want his arms flailing out and blocking someone else from sitting beside him, okay?

“Oh…” Bob muttered from the other side of him, John opened one eye to look in Bob’s direction.

Bob’s face was flushed red, looking away while twindling his hands on his lap.

John quickly shut his eye when Bob lifted his head to look at him. “Look… I really don’t care if ya’ll are talking about me.” He sighed. “I really don’t.” He repeated.

He could feel the tension lifting from the room once more. John could hear Bob release a breath he’d probably been holding since he asked the question.

John’s nerves didn’t seem to calm, his mind still thinking about his diagnosis. Should he really worry about it? Is it actually a big deal? probably not so fuck it. It’s not like the paparazzi bugged the tower or anything… right?

“Oh yeah, uh– I don’t know how to say this but I have BPD…” He confessed, his jaw clenching. FUCK why did he actually say it out loud… he didn’t actually expect himself to fully go for it.

oh god this is awkward.

Even if he had his eyes closed, he could feel everyone's eyes on him. They were all definitely judging him.

He can hear two more individual’s heart beats in the room, Alexei and Ava had joined them as soon as Walker had confessed that out loud.

‘Well fuck me i guess.’ he thought.

A need to flee from the scene eminent in his body, he really needed to get out of here and fast. 

John always had people expect things from him ever since he was kid, and the one expectation he couldn’t meet was to be vulnerable with other people. 

How could he be vulnerable? When growing up he had to step up and take care of his sister when their mother had a bad day or when Mike was too busy.  He couldn’t afford to look weak, he had to compose himself for his sister. When Mike died he couldn’t cope, all he did was try to distract himself by taking care of his sister and leaving the house once mom had felt better enough to take care of his sister then come running to Lemar’s home to work in their flower shop. He never got to cope with Mike's death, he had too many responsibilities.

He couldn’t afford to just stop and sit still. He felt that if he stopped, he didn’t have a purpose anymore.

‘Well since I can tell everyone's here— To answer your question no, I will not go further into detail.” he huffed as he quickly got up from the couch, collecting his belongings from the coffee table. “I’ll meet ya’ll on the plane…” He says, dashing out the room. fleeing into the elevator— pressing the doors to close as fast as he can so that no one could follow him and awkwardly accompany him as they silently make their way to the helipad.

John exhaled when no one came running after him, the doors finally closing.

As he watched the doors closed, he saw everyone in the common room hadn’t moved, awkwardly looking at each other— not knowing how to react.

At least he wasn’t there now to deal with the awkward aftermath of the sudden info dump.

He just can’t go another day without fucking things up for himself, huh…

— — —

The cargo ramp of the plane lowered, John already waiting outside as it declined down to the floor. John dashed up into the plane, cold air hitting him. John forgot how cold it could get in the plane at first. The temperature was usually warm in the plane if it were to land on actual ground, but since they're on the highest floor of the watchtower— of course it’d be cold.

John quickly seated himself onto the farthest seat possible from the cargo ramp; he didn’t want to look at everyone as they awkwardly walked past him to take their seats, placing his helmet on his lap and placing the shield beside him. John upon sitting started Latching the seatbelts around him, securing himself onto the seat.

John pulled out his phone to reveal the time, ‘8:02AM’ flashed on his phone lock screen.

Great, only 5 hours had passed and he already felt like the shittiest and the stupidest person alive.

What was he even thinking? Did he forget that there were consequences to his actions? Val will definitely scold him after this, saying “We talked about this, John. You had one job— to not tell anyone. And yet here we are!” 

Val would definitely suspend John from appearing in public for a while— putting him on house arrest until the whole thing dies down.

How long will it take for the media to get word of his diagnosis… John wondered. More or less in a couple of days, most likely. 

He’ll definitely talk to his therapist about this day next week. He’d probably look at him with such horror in his eyes once he tells him all the shit he’d thought about and felt. He could tell sometimes how deeply disturbed his therapist was when john randomly starts saying how suicidal he was with a straight face and then randomly start talking about how warm he’d felt everytime he thought of his home back in georgia.

But who cares anyway, It’s his fucking life why should anyone judge him from being himself. Well okay, the public already shat on him for being himself— but that's besides the point. fuck the paparazzi, fuck Val, and fuck everyone who will judge him for being himself.

A notification pops up on his screen— a text from Lemar’s mom again, interrupting his train of thought.

‘Oh honey, don’t worry. We understand you’re busy. Just know we’re here for you okay? We always will be. Hope to see you next week, Stay safe John. We Love you always.’

John didn’t move upon reading the message, slowly trying to process how much patience they had for him. It was like the world froze around him— all the ambiance dying down and all the noise the quin jet made had seemingly quieted.

Something inside of John broke, tears instantly streaming down his cheeks— his vision blurring. John released a breath he didn’t know he was holding. 

It all came crashing down once more.

Well thank god no one was there to witness how pathetic he’d been. John wouldn’t have known what to do if someone did.

It had been so long since John had felt so seen. He didn’t know what was up with him today— he just felt so empty and felt so much throughout the past 5 hours. It was already so tiring and the day just started. 

John didn’t know why he broke down now out of any other day or time, but he really needed to let this out.

He had never broken down anywhere other than in his room. When John would talk to his therapist, it was like he couldn’t get himself to cry— like his tears had run dry. He felt like a fucking sociopath, talking about all the horrible shit he’d done and what others did to him in such a expressionless face. 

John reaches for the dog tags around his neck out of instinct— it had Lemar’s name engraved onto it.

John had given his dog tag to Lemar, ‘so that they’ll always be together.’ Lemar had told him. Lemar had always been so considerate, guess it ran in the family…

Lemar’s family had always been so accepting of him, they never shamed him for his mistakes— never judged him for what he did. Even after all the backlash he faced, Lemar’s family didn’t turn their backs on him. 

He felt so broken, he had never felt any love from his mother. His mother had loved his sister— but never him or Mike. It was strange. Maybe he and Mike reminded her too much of dad, or maybe she just didn’t love them anymore.

When Mike died, she didn’t even attend the funeral. She was apparently too busy doing god knows what. His sister— Kate had been by his side on the day of the funeral. They were never close, he just took care of her when he had to. They didn’t have any similar interests or anything so it was hard to form a bond with her, in the end they both gave up and went their separate ways. Even though they were never close— he still respected her and was very proud of her. The last he heard of Kate was that she went down a similar path to him. When John caught wind of that, he texted her to wish her luck. John really did wish for the best for her.

His mother on the other hand, he doesn’t want to see her ever again. John had cut contact with her once he turned 18. She never even loved him, so why should he give two fucks about her? His mother once kicked him out one night when he was 13, because he didn’t make dinner for them. That night— John was with Lemar the whole day and figured that his Mother had cooked dinner for herself and Kate to eat, so he didn’t come home until 10pm. It was raining that day, so he ran back to Lemar’s place soaking wet. The last time John had talked to his Mother was when she told him to fuck off— to never come home, and that he wasn’t her son anymore. So john couldn’t give 2 fucks about her…

John had loved his Mother just because he felt like he had to, she was his Mother— the one who gave birth to him, the reason why he’s alive. Everyone had told him to love your family no matter what, but it broke his heart when they didn’t love him back.

John was always fucked up, was that the reason why he’s so unloveable and easy to leave? 

John felt like he couldn’t breathe so he clutched the dog tag in his palm harder, holding onto the thought that some part of Lemar was with him.

The thought had  calmed him, easing his anxiety— Hearing as the noise around him returned.

John quickly stuffed his dog tag down his suit collar, wiping his tears away.

‘get your shit together, john.’ he thought, ‘right now isn’t the time to be a fucking pussy.”

John quickly grabbed the nearest available cloth from beside him, it was some random dirty rag but who cares. John blew his nose into the dirty rag then tossed it somewhere no one could reach.

John could hear the elevator door ding from afar, prompting John to check his phone for the time. ‘8:23AM’ 

John ran a hand through his hair, making sure he didn’t look like a mess. Sitting back and shutting his eyes. 

John wanted to erase any trace of his breakdown. He really didn’t want to talk right now.

John took a breath as he honed his hearing, hearing every little sound from miles away. John could hear their footsteps slowly making their way out and onto the helipad. The team had been complaining about Val.

As much as he wanted to join in on their discussion, he really wasn’t in the head space to do that right now.

“I fucking hate the press, i don’ t know how ya’ll do it.” Ava admitted, seemingly holding a bag of chips. John figured it was chips since he can hear the crinkling of the bag.

“Oh, I LOVE them!” Alexei exclaimed, “I love getting all the attention!” he roared once more. All the yelling Alexei was doing made John's ears start to hurt.

“Of course you do.” Yelena drawled in her usual monotone voice.

“I honestly hate it too.” Bucky droned, John had thought that he always sounded tired for no reason, but then again he and Sam were still working things out— so it’s understandable.

“Yeah we know, we could tell.”  Yelena said, John could tell from the way she said it that she had a smirk on her face.

It had prompted everyone to suppress their giggles as they finally reached the cargo ramp of the plane.

John didn’t move from his spot as everyone had taken a seat. Suddenly— John could hear footsteps coming towards his direction. The person stopped when they got next to him, lingering for a few seconds.

Really? Out of every available seat… they chose to sit next to him? Why the fuck would anyone willingly do that?

“You don’t mind do you?” Yelena grunted as she sat down next to him, prompting John to finally open his eyes.

John hummed in response as he eyed her. Suspicious of her intentions.

“What?” She asked— furrowing her brows, latching her seatbelt over her chest.

“What are you doing?” John questioned, perplexed at her sudden company.

“What? I can’t just sit next to you for no reason?” she queried, looking up at him.

“No?” John blinked at her.

“Well, that’s bullshit.” Yelena remarked, crossing her arms over her chest. “I can do whatever I want actually.” 

John decided not to press in on the matter, shutting his eyes once more. He didn’t want to ask what her deal was, he didn’t think he even had the energy to talk— let alone argue with anyone right now. He was just so tired.

They both sat in silence as time went by.

John could hear her heartbeat from beside him— for some reason hearing this reassured him. He had this thing where whenever he could hear or feel someone's heartbeat, it would mean that they wouldn't leave him— at least not right now they wouldn’t.

As John almost actually slept while pretending he was resting— Yelena broke the silence. “You know you could talk to us, right?” her voice low.

John sucked in a breath as she continued, “We’re not going to judge you or anything. We’re all fuck up in our own ways.”

“You did great back there. Trusting us enough to tell us. I know it wasn’t obvious in how we reacted— but I can speak on behalf of the others that we really appreciated it.” 

John didn’t know how to respond to that,  he could feel his eyes watering.

“Point is, we have your back. You can count on us and we are here for you.” Yelena’s voice grows softer at the end, her hand reaching for his.

John reciprocated the touch, allowing her hands to engulf his. “Just know that you are not alone in this,  John.” 

God, he really needed to hear that right now.

John had the guts to finally open his eyes to face her, “Thanks, Lena.” A smile hinting at his lips.

Yelena had a soft smile on her face, her eyes full of understanding.

Her hands lingered— engulfed in his for a few more seconds before pulling away, getting up to move away a couple of seats.

John didn’t move his hand from where she’d put his hand down.

John hated the emptiness he felt when she let go— a painful reminder that nothing good lasts forever. It was like all the life had been sucked right out of him. The light in the end of his tunnel dimmed— nothing but darkness to be seen. John had felt like the darkness had consumed him again.

They are all good people, even if they had more kill count than him— he had more respect and love for them than for himself. He would do anything to protect them because he believes they all deserved a second chance, a chance to prove themselves to the world that they were changed people— that they all changed for the better. John whole heartedly believed that. 

But for himself, he didn’t think he deserved a second chance. But would he do anything for a chance to prove himself useful? absolutely. John wanted to be with these people, even if they all haven't warmed up to him yet— he wanted to stay with his new found family. John never wants to leave them, ever. And he hopes nothing more that they all feel the same way about him too.

But why would they want an asshole like him around? they’re all better off without him. 

John had tried all his life to do good, not be selfish, put others first before himself, and to do the right thing. Look where that shit got him, people ordering him around, being someone's puppet, a selfish prick, and had done more wrongs than right. Now— he’s scared to want something, fearing that he’d fuck it up somehow. 

John looked forward, squeezing his eyes shut, trying to imagine a flowery green scenery where he and Lemar laid. John had done this every time he wanted to rest, hoping this would calm himself enough to sleep peacefully. It doesn’t work all the time but it was all that he’s got.

slowly, all the negative thoughts started to die down as he focused on the fake scenario playing in his head.

Lemar was sitting by his side in this fake scenario, legs splayed out on the field with his hands planted firmly just by his sides supporting his weight as he leaned back. John had mirrored the way Lemar was sitting, their hands nearly touching. John paid no mind to it, the scenery in front of them was too peaceful to take his eyes off of it. The world kept moving around them as both he and Lemar had stayed like that. Lemar turned to him, a soft smile on his lips. John missed that smile so much. Lemar’s smile would always fix him right up, giving him a boost of confidence and warmth.

a notification that buzzed in his pants startled him, interrupting the little fake scenario playing in his head. John groaned as he reached to open his phone.

John froze at the notification, It was from Kate.

‘We need to talk, it’s about Mike. Text me when you’re available.”

John stared at the notification, John didn’t open it fully but saw the preview of it in his notification center.

John didn’t know how to respond, feeling no concrete feeling or emotion. He didn’t know what to do.

Was he supposed to be concerned? Was he supposed to be happy that his sister was reaching out to him? what was he supposed to feel? Because all he’s feeling right now is confusion— or was it anger? Sometimes he can’t even tell what he feels anymore.

John quickly shoved his phone back in his pockets, his hands trembling. It felt like everything around him started to drift away from him— losing his grip on reality.

How can this day get any worse? Can’t a guy not have a bad day for once or was that too much to ask for?

John had looked up to Mike ever since he was kid, everyone in his town knew and loved Mike. Everyone could depend on Mike and enjoyed his company, John wanted to be that for people. When Mike died— it was like the whole town was consumed by darkness. Mike's sudden death had impacted a lot of people. The people in town would look at him with this pitiful look in their eyes as John tried to help them— like help load their groceries in their car, help an old lady cross the street, or when he would mow their lawns. Everyone was grieving, and John refused to even acknowledge it at the time. He remembered snapping at people when they’d ask him about his death. Even back then, he couldn’t just do his job to make people feel safe and not hurt them.

John wanted to know why she would want to talk about Mike all of  a sudden— she was young when he died, she could barely recall a memory with Mike. John knew this because she brought it up when they were visiting his grave once when John was still a senior and she was a freshman— or was she a junior? He didn’t remember. She doesn’t care about Mike so why would she want to talk to him about Mike anyway. 

shit just keeps piling onto him and John can’t keep up with these random ass shit he’s dealing with. The mood swings been really bad today, his hallucinations slightly acting up, depressive thoughts resurfacing, questioning his whole fucking purpose in life, and now this new found source of anxiety rising in him.

Was he being dramatic? who the fuck cares at this point! The whole undiagnosed personality disorder was already a bitch to deal with growing up and all these other stressors coming in— adding more fuel to the fire, at this point the fire will get too big and spread like wild fire— burning down a whole fucking forest.

John heard a cough coming from the other side of the plane, taking him out of his dissociative episode. Was it a dissociative episode? who knows. That was what his therapist would call it during their sessions.

John took slow breaths— slowing down his heart rate, his hands no longer trembled.

John didn't realize that he had been so worked up over a text— let alone remember what it said now after all those feelings coming down on him so suddenly.

John didn’t bother checking what that text was about, his hands felt too numb anyway.

Whatever it’ll all be fine once he gets some rest and get back to work as soon as he can.

John shifted to get more comfortable as the straps that contained him stretched as he moved. Shutting his eyes— counting one to ten as he imagined the same peaceful scenario earlier in his head as he drifted off to sleep.

— — —

The cargo ramp slowly opened, revealing an open sunny field 35,000 feet up in the air, the wind hitting them all in the face.

John tightened the straps on his parachute as he made his way to the edge of the ramp. 

John was already familiar with jumping off planes, he was trained to know how to back when he was still in the Army; they had to perform “High-altitude, low-opening” (HALO) jumps, where they are dropped from a high altitude then open their parachutes at a low altitude, this was so that they can minimize detection and get to the ground quicker, and “High-altitude, high-opening” (HAHO) jumps where they drop from a high altitude but also open their parachute in high altitudes, this was used to glide long distances. During his time with Val before the ‘new avengers’ was formed— he never got to jump off one of her very expensive planes to do his assignments, she didn’t give a fuck about him enough to waste her budget on him. But he did try jumping off tall buildings without a parachute after Olivia left him, so he’s very qualified for this and has a ton of experience jumping with and without a parachute.

John peered over the edge, assessing what kind of jump he should inform the team to do.

Since it was an open field and the target had barricaded himself in the home with the family, they first had to confirm any signs of life in the home before rushing in— therefore, it was best for them to go for a high-altitude, low-opening (HALO) approach. Quickly land nearby and undetected, look out for signs of activity in the home, then rush in.

John reached for the earpiece in his ear, “Alright, Let's ‘perform a high-altitude, low-opening’ jump.” He yelled, the wind blaring in the background.

“meaning…?” Ava spoke, half yelling through her comms.

“Meaning— we’re opening our parachutes at a low altitude. I'll give a signal once it’s time to open them.” John says, turning around as he continues to walk backwards towards the edge. “So does anyone here not have any experience with free-falling?” He asked outloud, scanning the group. 

Bob and Ava both reluctantly raised their hands, “I’ve flown on commercial airlines, but never jumped off a plane.” Bob shrugged, still raising his hand. Of course he didn’t have experience, he was literally a normal human person before all the sentry shit was pumped into him.

“Yeah, same here.” Ava chimed in.

John looked over to Yelena, Bucky, and Alexei— who weren’t raising their hands. “Okay since you three are experienced, at least one or two of you is okay with having Bob or Ava strapped to you as you fall.” John looked back over at Bob and Ava.

John stood over the very edge of the ramp, assessing who was best to go with whom. John recalled over the whole plan he made and quickly decided that it was best for Yelena to be with Ava, and Bob with him.

“Okay, since Ava is supposed to infiltrate the back entrance with Yelena, I’ll assign Yelena with Ava. Since Bob isn’t infiltrating any part of the house but to stay put nearby as he manages our communication— I’ll have you with me.” John announced over the comms.

“Copy that.” Everyone collectively replied over the comms. safe to say it was working right now.

“Bucky, Alexei,” John said, pointing at both of them. “you two go on ahead while we strap Ava and Bobby onto our parachutes. Stay hidden once you land.” John said as he moved forward towards Bob’s direction, “Be careful.” he grumbled, slightly turning his head towards Bucky and Alexei.

John knew they were going to hear that, he wasn’t the only supersoldier after all.

Bucky and Alexei followed through at John’s word and jumped off, gliding through the harsh winds.

“Talk to us when you land.” John quickly added shortly after seeing them both jump, “COPY THAT CAPTAIN, WILL KEEP YOU UPDATED!” Alexei yelled in their comms. Everyone winced at Alexei’s booming voice at the same time.

John continues forward brushing off how fucking loud that was and stops infront of Bob— who looked like he was about to faint. Bob was looking everywhere but anywhere beyond the ramp.

“You scared of heights?” John asked as he positioned Bob to stand in front of him, strapping him tightly onto him.

“Only when we're above the clouds apparently." He chuckled nervously, an attempt to conceal his anxiety— which John saw right through.

Bob was stiff as John was maneuvering him around, his breath slowing whenever John touched him.

“You have nothing to be nervous about, I’m right here behind you. You don’t have to do anything but just hang on.” John reassured Bob as he finished strapping him to his chest.

John was only focusing on the mission and keeping the team intact, not realizing how red Bob had been at all the contact they’ve had and how close they were.

John looked over to see Yelena and Ava who also finished securing themselves, John nodded to Yelena— giving her the signal to go on ahead.

John watched as Yelena and Ava jumped off the aircraft, John reached up to his earpiece to speak once more, “Remember, you free-fall for a while until you think you’re at a good distance from the ground and release the latch to activate your parachutes.” John reminded.

“we got it!” Ava replied through the comms.

When John got the confirmation that they were okay, John redirected his attention to the man in front of him.

“You ready?” John leaned forward in Bob’s ear as he pushed the both of them closer to the edge. “No, not really!” Bob yelled back, shaking his head frantically.

John made his way over to the edge, dragging Bob along with him. “Yeah, I don’t think I want to go on missions with you guys anymore!” Bob exclaimed, squirming as they near the edge. 

Without a second thought John jumped off the plane, Bob’s arms frantically flailing around. “YOU DIDN’T COUNT!” Bob shrieked, hitting John’s arms— who was perfectly calm and steady.

“ow– stop hitting me– dude–” John groaned as Bob kept hitting him.

At this point, they were fighting like little kids. Bob managed to reach behind and started to mess with his face— running his hand all over John’s face and hitting him ever so often.

John didn’t want to let up— so he lowered one of his arms and started to do the same with Bob’s face.

“Stop– doing that!” Bob complained, shaking his head— trying to avoid John’s hand on his face.

“You stop!” John countered.

“Just landed,” Bucky reported over the comms, catching the two men’s attention— their hands still on each other's faces. “We’re currently hidden behind trees, Alexei and I are using our binoculars right now but I see no sign of activity— at least in the front. Yelena, Ava, what’s your status?”

John and Bob quickly retracted their hands from each other's faces, redirecting their focus to whatever the team had to say.

“We’re okay, we just deployed our parachute.” Yelena spoke.

John could feel Bob grow calmer upon hearing Yelena was okay, slowly uncurling himself and mirroring John’s pose.

“John, Bob? What’s your status?” Bucky asked.

“We’re still free-falling, we aren’t low enough to deploy a parachute! We’ll be spotted if we’re going to deploy one now!” John crowed. 

“Fuck!” Bob screeched, Bob’s voice echoed through John’s earpiece. “WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST COUNT?!” Bob yelped.

“Oh don’t blame this on me, Bobby. You agreed to go on this mission with us!”

“Yeah, I did! But if you could’ve just warned me about jumping off a fucking plane, then maybe i would’ve reconsidered it!” Bob slammed a hand back at John’s face. 

“Get your hand away–” John protested, leaning his head away trying to avoid Bob’s hands on his face. “i swear to god Bobby, I'll bite your fingers off!”

“I’d like to see you try!” Bob taunted, still not pulling his arm back.

John shoved his hand on Bob’s face once more, obscuring his vision.

“You guys really need to get a room.” Ava remarked, “you guys know that we’re hearing all this go down right?” John could hear Ava suppressing her laughter from the other side.

Both of them stop in their tracks, which snaps John into realizing how much closer they are to the ground— prompting him to pull on the latch to deploy his parachute.

The wind caught in the canopy jerked them both back, John held his breath at the impact of the wind.

They started to slowly glide along the winds, John steering his parachute into a clear area— making sure they wouldn’t get stuck trying to get down from a tree.

“fuck…” Bob panted, his arms dropping to his sides.

John managed to find a small clearing, steering his way towards it to land. 

He should be focused on the mission. He shouldn’t get distracted. God he’s so immature.

John slowly guided the parachute onto a safe landing, lightly crashing onto the ground— their feet finally hitting the ground.

John and Bob panted as they tried to get themselves together. John looked around for any sign of life, luckily there didn’t seem to be any.

“Okay I take back what I said,” Bob breathed out, his head falling back. “That was kind of fun.” Bob confessed, chuckling to himself.

“WELL WE’RE GLAD TO HEAR THAT YOU ENJOYED IT BOB!” Alexei boomed through the comms, which made John and Bob both wince at the same time.

“Okay, okay– that’s enough.” Bucky spoke up, his voice low. “Get in positions and lay low.” He ordered.

John quickly ducked over in a big bush, Bob followed behind. John peeked his head to check if the coast was clear, Bob quietly mirroring his movement.

Movement from the corner of his eye caught his attention, the curtain in the supposed kitchen window shuffled.

John was alarmed— his hand coming up to Bob’s shoulder, shaking him to redirect his attention to his direction. Bob slowly turned his head, trying to follow where John's eyes were on.

John’s other hand quickly shot up to his ear, “Movement in the kitchen window. He reported.

“Yeah we saw that too.” Ava replied. “Do we move in?” 

John stays silent for a few seconds— contemplating what they should do next. John decides it was best to look to Bucky to make the final decision. “Bucky, what do you think?” he sighed.

“Are we sure it wasn’t anything else?” Bucky questioned, “like the AC running?” 

Before John could answer, John spots a hand moving away the curtains— most likely the target.

“Affirmative.” John confirmed, ducking down in the bush they were hiding in— pulling Bob down along with him.

“Pretty sure we saw someone look out the window.” Bob gulped nervously, looking at John.

“Let Bob set up first then we’ll move in.” Bucky affirmed over the comms.

John looked over to Bob, “Stay here, I’m pretty sure Ava has your equipment.”

Bob nodded, watching John’s every move.

“Ava, bring over Bob’s equipment.” John called over the comms, to which Ava affirmed with a ‘yeah, yeah.’ A few seconds after.

“Look, I don't know what Yelena trained you to do— but you should at least have something to defend yourself.” John handed over one of his guns from his arsenal.

Bob grabbed the gun from John’s hand, their fingers brushing against each other.

Bob’s skin was cold to the touch, which weirdly reminded him of home.

Bob eyed the Gun as he pulled away from John.

“It’s loaded, so– don’t do anything stupid.” John grumbled, watching as Bob eyed the gun in his hands.

All John knew about Bob and Yelena’s training was that she taught him self defense and basic hand to hand combat, so John wasn’t sure if Bob had any experience with guns.

“Yelena taught me how to shoot.” Bob blurted, hiding the gun behind him. “So don't worry, I won't accidentally shoot myself or anything.” Bob looked down, not meeting John’s eyes.

Yelena must’ve had a talk with him about gun safety and only using it to eliminate targets and not himself. Bob often would have bad days— not coming out of his room, not talking to anyone, or eating anything John served. Yelena was often the one who would pull him out of his depressive episodes— would often talk to Bob about depression and how he can talk to any of them whenever she could sense something was up with Bob.

“I’m not worried your going to kill yourself, Bobby.” John said, his voice soft and low. “I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

Bob slowly looked up, meeting John’s eyes. 

They stared at each other for a few seconds, but it felt like the whole world slowed down.

John would never admit this outloud, but he did care for him. John cared for all of his beloved teammates— but Bob was someone he needed to protect from the world. Bob is not fragile or anything just because he was Bipolar and occasionally gets depressed, Bob can very well take care of himself. John just didn’t want Bob to feel like no one loved or cared for him, John knew very well how shitty that feeling is and he was determined to not let Bob go through all that bullshit.

John didn’t know whether these feelings for Bob were romantic or platonic, it didn’t matter to him. John loved him and he would never let anyone hurt him, that’s for sure.

Ava appeared from thin air— cutting the tension from the two of them, startling both John and Bob from whatever the fuck that was.

Ava’s eye flickered between the two of them as she handed Bob a laptop.

“took you long enough…” John grumbled, shifting further away from Bob.

“Didn’t want to ruin your little moment.” Ava smirked, gesturing to the two of them. 

John and Bob both looked at each other, then back at Ava.

“What is that supposed to mean?” John squinted at her. 

Ava just shrugged, raising her eyebrows.

“Oh, don’t give me that.” John hissed, to which Ava ignored.

Bob quickly moved to open the laptop to set up, booting up the system that connected all their comms and trackers.

A map briefly flashed the screen, then a panel of all their comms audio with their Names and pictures next to it appeared.

“Bob has it up.” Ava reported over.

Not merely a second later after— Bucky announced “Move in.” 

Ava disappeared, moving in the direction of the house.

John got up, quickly looking over Bob before making his way toward the shed out back.

It was going to be a quick mission anyway. 

John cautiously made his way to the entrance of the weirdly large shed, ‘The dad must really get busy in here huh.’ John thought as he reached the door.

John turned the door knob to check if it was open— it was. ‘Huh, weird… who would leave their shed open?’

“Clear.” John heard Bucky announce over the comms, before John pushed through the door.

The walls were lined with White paint all around, pictures of John pinned all over the walls. 

‘What the fuck’ John thought as he looked around, it was the same news articles he saw on the file.

“Clear–” Yelena reported over the comms before cutting off, The comms only omitting static.

John looked back, the door suddenly locked. “Walker?!–” A yell from the comms before more static took over, It was Bucky’s voice.

What was going on?  Why was Bucky concerned with him and how did he know he was in trouble?

John tackled the door, trying to do everything in his power to burst it open. The door held firm, not a single dent forming from how many times John rammed into the door.

“FUCK!” John yelled, frustrated at his failed attempt.

John looked back to the white walls, startled to find white mist emitting from the floors.

John quickly tried to cover his nose— it was too late, he already breathed it in.

John went back to go for the door— Punching and kicking it down, desperate to escape. 

John stopped after a couple of kicks, exhausted. John looked around the room for any other way to escape, only to find a CCTV camera at the right corner of the room.

someone was watching him.

Was this his plan all along? to capture John? But why target him out of the 2 other supersoldiers on the team? 

John starts violently coughing, collapsing onto the floor. John’s head started spinning— his vision doubling. 

John tried pushing himself up, only for his body to give way. 

John felt weak at that moment, he couldn’t do anything to escape.

Somewhere, a speaker started to transmit audio into the tiny room.

“JOHN!?” Yelena’s voice boomed through the speaker— other familiar voices also followed suit, screaming his name.

“Y– Yelena?” John managed to call out, trying to keep his eyes open.

John was desperate at this point, calling out for someone who clearly couldn’t save him.

John couldn’t move— or do anything at this point, it was too late for him.

John felt so tired, he knew the others couldn’t get to him. He couldn’t fight it anymore.

The thought of him being taken— instead of his team, comforted John as he slowly passed out.

Before John passes out— a figure next to him knelt down to his level, engulfing his hand in his own. 

“It’s okay, you can rest now.” Lemar reassured, “You’ll wake up soon enough.”

The voices in the speakers shouting his name quieted, everything seemed to have been engulfed by darkness.