Archive of Our Own

Buck

Leaving Maddie's now, did you need 
anything else from the store?

Eddie

Buy gums, cherry flavoured please

Toothpaste too

I finished it this morning 

Buck  

Got it!

Eddie

Thanks 

Buck

:) 

Eddie sighs, running both hands down his face, forcing himself to stay awake. If Buck can grocery shop at ten in the morning after a 48, he can at least wait for him to be back and help him put everything away before dropping off the face of earth for twelve hours of their 72 off. 

These past three weeks' shift planning had been a nightmare for Bobby. With so many people on leave for different reasons and so many injured in the last big emergency LA had to face, Eddie and Buck have been picking up other people's shifts left and right. And covering both A-shift and B-shift lots has been draining. 

So when Buck offered to go to the supermarket, already having to drop by Maddie's house for a quick hello and some baby cuddles, Eddie happily let him.

His phone pings again and if he wasn't alone in the room he'd be ashamed with how quick he picks it up.

Buck

How do you feel about British beef pie?

I saw a recipe on tiktok and wanted to make it 
for you, seems like something you'd love

Something he'd love. If Eddie giggles again he'll hit his head on the wall so hard the police will have to scrape his brains off the interior plaster. He catches himself acting like a 13-year-old boy with his first crush and groans, when another wave of texts comes in.

Buck

Ah wait

Chris is going to the movies at 9 right?

Maybe I could make it tomorrow for lunch

He smiles tiredly, his feet doing that weird thing they'd started doing since Eddie had discovered this newfound side of himself. He rubbed them together, like a cricket with their scraper against their file—Buck had taught him all about the leg rubbing myth, and explained to him that it was actually called stridulation. They had proceeded to watch five hours straight of a documentary on bugs on what Eddie referred to as their eighth date. 

It'd been one of his favourites, too, considering the amount of cuddling they'd indulged in that night. Definitely in his top three. 

Second place had to be the spa day Buck had gifted him for his birthday almost three years back and that they'd only managed to get to last month.

First place went to the morning he'd woken up wrapped in Buck's arms in his bed, after they'd decided to share it following a particularly exhausting shift. Eddie had meant to stay awake to enjoy the feeling a little longer, their steady heartbeats singing together, but having Buck breathing in his ear had lulled him right back to sleep in no time. He'd woken up hours later, Buck gone, but cooking his favourite breakfast as a 'thank you' for having let him sleep in a real bed. 

He's aware he's going a little insane with it, but Buck hopefully has no idea Eddie's been playing house with him for the past five months—almost eight years, if he's being fully honest with himself.

Actively living with Buck and having Christopher back home from Texas was something Eddie had avoided even dreaming about, even when any other reality felt like he was being ripped to shreds. 

It'd all started on the drive back from El Paso, when he'd come out to Christopher, coming clean about his feelings for Buck as well. His son had been so understanding and sensible about it that Eddie had started crying and they had pulled over for a quick hug-break.

Convincing Buck he was wanted in this house without showing his hand and confessing to being in love with his best friend had been the hardest thing Eddie had ever done. 

And he'd been shot at. Multiple times. He'd been buried alive and survived. He'd been kidnapped and had risked losing his kid in tragic circumstances more than once.

But still, not being able to tell his best friend he loved him wrecked him.

Eddie was used to the feeling of loving Buck, it came naturally, always had. He showed it every morning when he woke up and made an extra cup of coffee for him, when he let him help with Christopher like he hadn't even let Shannon. When (laying on the couch) he brought him pain meds and heated pads for his leg without Buck even having to say anything.

What Eddie hadn't been prepared for was being in love with Buck. Because apparently, the two differed for one teeny tiny detail. 

Eddie wanted to be vocal about it. He wanted to be loud in loving Buck. He wanted the whole world to know Eddie Diaz loved Evan Buckley and, more than anything, he needed Buck to know. 

So he'd been planning. And waiting. And hopelessly pining after Buck, pretending their every meal at home without Chris was a date. Lying to himself than the hikes they'd been going on, with picnics in tow, were something more than just the two of them decompressing from work.

He just hadn't thought it would be a good idea to do so while he was trying to restore his relationship with his son and while they were all still recovering from Bobby's kidnapping. The grief—however misplaced—had been real, and the fights and damage it brought has left wounds they're still trying to mend. But they are healing. And they are together.

That has been enough, so far. 

Eddie is just tired of waiting. 

Buck

Eddie?????

The notification icon mocks him with seven unread texts.

Eddie

Fuck sorry, got distracted. Sounds perfect

He adds a thumbs up emoji for good measure and he nods to himself like he's solved one of the millennium prize problems. 

Buck

Nice:D

So maybe since Chris is not home we could 
get take out? 

Eddie 

Greek? 

Could be nice eating it without an annoying
gremlin complaining about garlic breath in 
our ears for once

Buck

Down for Greek

And we love him anyway

I'll get a six pack too

See you later Eds

He smiles again, unable to resist the silly boyish giggle that gets out. 

He frowns, shaking his head, and opens up a google tab to start searching how much Buck would have to pay to have to clean his brain off their walls.

***

Eddie is talking to the carrots. There's five of them left on the table.  

And he would be a dirty, dirty liar if he said he was not a worrier. 

He worries every second of every day of his quite frankly miserable and catastrophic life. 

He would also say he's allowed to worry, considering just how many accidents and natural disasters he and his loved ones have been subjected to. He also isn't really good at managing his life, he often says the wrong thing at the wrong time, fucking everything up. 

Hence, the talking with the carrots. Because Eddie doesn't think that calling Chris while he's at school to rehearse his 'I'm so in love with you my heart could rip through my skin just to get to you' speech is in the How To Be The Best Dad guide. 

"I'm… I'm sorry it took me so long to understand who—" he pauses, grimacing, " I'm sorry ? No, no apologies."

He's been working with his therapist to not let regret and guilt eat him alive.

He puts the eggs on the top shelf, nodding to himself and glancing to Buckarrot , "I'm happy I finally realised how lucky I've been to have you in my life and—"

This time, though, he doesn't even know he has to worry. This time, as he is fighting with all his might to stay awake and wait for Buck to get home so they can pretend like it isn't weird to want to fall asleep together, he doesn't even notice the clock ticking by. This time, life throws him a curveball and hits him square in the throat, taking his breath away. 

He's rearranging the food in the fridge to kill time when his phone rings too loudly for his liking. It's his general ringtone, not any of the personalised ones his son had set for him, so he checks the caller ID and his stomach twists. 

He blinks once, twice, when he recognises the number. 

He hates that he knows Cedars-Sinai number by heart.

He braces himself for anything, everything, trying to calm down and thinking that if this was about Christopher, his teachers would be the ones calling him. 

" Good morning, I'm calling from Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, is this Edmundo Diaz? " 

He doesn't remember answering the call, but he's already moving towards the door. 

"Yes, this is him." 

There's a sigh on the other line, something pitiful. It makes his nausea ten times worse. 

" I am calling about Evan Buckley."

Eddie is out of the house before the woman has even started the next sentence. 

" We need you or someone in your family to come here. It's not urgent– "

That stops him in his tracks. Gives him a moment to breathe. Not urgent. Not urgent. Not. Urgent.

"Not urgent," he repeats. "He's fine, then?" he breathes out, his lungs seizing with something close to liberation.

A beat of silence and the glass shatters, " I'm afraid I can't disclose any personal information over the phone, unless you or someone in your family– "

Eddie wants to scream. He doesn't even notice he's not wearing any shoes until he steps on something sharp and he has to hold back a shout. He curses under his breath, but Buck assured him it's not illegal to drive barefoot, only partially dangerous, so he's not losing any more time going back inside.

"Is he in surgery?" 

" Again, I can't disclose– "

Fucking useless.

"I'll be there in 15." 

He hangs up and gets in his car. 

Eddie's aware he's driving, and from his house it's a mere 3,5 miles drive to Cedars-Sinai, but he's losing his mind. He grips the steering wheel. He just has to turn left, then turn right and drive straight till he gets to the parking lot. He got this.

He got this.

It's not urgent.

Not urgent could mean Buck simply needs to be picked up.

Buck is at the hospital. 

They need someone there. 

Eddie forgets to breathe for a moment.

Not urgent could be the worst. Not urgent means they don't need him to make any medical decisions. Not urgent might mean there's no one he needs to make medical decisions for.

At that, a thought occurs to Eddie. He's not Buck's next of kin, nor his proxy, so even if Buck needed that, he wouldn't be able to.

Maddie is. He knows for a fact she is, because Eddie remembers Buck asking Bobby if he could name their captain as such while Maddie was pregnant, and when Bobby had disappeared, Buck had simply put Maddie back, because Eddie had still been officially in Texas. 

They'd talked about this. 

He ponders calling her, but he doesn't trust himself handling his phone while driving on a normal day, let alone now, while he's spiraling because his best friend might as well be–

He takes a sharp breath in and starts counting. His vision blurs and he curses himself.

Four seconds to fend off panic attacks. Was that right? Four seconds. Seconds. 

Four. If something truly bad had happened, Eddie would have felt it. Right? 

He would have. 

He did, the last time Buck had died. He'd felt the earth shift, stop its rotation for a split second. Buck had died and Eddie's world had stopped.

He had counted then, too. Three minutes and seventeen seconds of agony, until Buck's ribs had given out under his hands and his heart had started again and Eddie had been able to see clearly. 

Maybe he should call Chimney. Give him a heads up. Chim could tell Maddie to meet him at the hospital, but why would he willingly put her through the throes of not knowing what it's wrong. He can wait until he has more information. Maybe it's nothing, maybe Buck is just concussed and can't drive himself back. Maybe. Maybe he can't talk on the phone.

Four seconds of holding your breath sounds so fucking stupid as people don't break every law down Robertson Boulevard to rush to the hospital.

Maybe he could call Athena. Athena would be able to call dispatch and find out what happened.

Maybe, maybe… 

Maybe he should have told Buck he loved him this morning. 

When they woke up in the bunkroom and looked at each other and Eddie had groaned so loud while stretching that Buck had startled and started laughing at how stupid Eddie was. He had looked at him with such fond and open eyes… Eddie knows Buck loves him back. Maybe Buck doesn't know yet, but he has to love him back.

So Eddie should have been braver, brave like never before and just told him this morning.

I'm in love with you.  

Because it is so easy. 

"I'm gonna tell him. I'm gonna tell him as soon as I get to the hospital." Eddie says out loud, two minutes out. "He's gonna tell me he's fine and I'll just–"

I'm in love with you, Evan.

He breathes out and forces himself to smile. It feels wrong, wobbly. 

I love you.

Buck could be–

Someone honks at him when he drives over the double yellow lines and he's brought back to the way back home, when his son had made it a point to stop when Eddie had been so tired he clearly wasn't driving safely anymore. 

Christopher. 

Dios, Christopher. He has to tell him… what, exactly? Eddie doesn't know what happened yet, and he's not gonna make his son worry for nothing. 

He turns right one last time and then everything moves fast, slow, like he's walking through molasses and falling through the air. He parked, he thinks, got off and inside and now a nurse is taking his name and he sees them then. 

Police officers, everywhere in the lobby. They're black spots at the edge of his vision. 

They could be here for anyone else. Eddie is… Buck is alive. 

"Evan Buckley," he murmurs, his fingers aching with how forcibly he's wringing his hands. 

The nurse looks at him and tilts her head, as she presses her lips into a tight line, "I know, you've already told me." Her voice is soothing, somehow, but she's not helping, she's not– "One of the officers will be with you in a moment, you just need to wait for them to–"

"What happened?" Eddie interrupts her, avoiding her sympathetic gaze, focusing on the stripes of the Sergeant uniform a few feet from them. 

The nurse—she can't be older than Eddie—looks conflicted. 

"I'm sorry I don't have that kind of information, I just," she trails off, placing a hand on his arm. Eddie wants to step away from it. "I think it'd be better if you sat somewhere." 

He needs someone to take him to Buck. 

He's about to say just that when two police officers walk up to them. The nurse makes herself scarce and Eddie will never see her again.

"Mr. Diaz?"

He nods.

"I'm Sergeant Avila, this is officer Pierce. We're the officers assigned to this case. If you could follow us to a more private room, we'd like to ask you for your help with something." 

He can only nod again. 

Eddie doesn't wait one second more when the door closes behind him.

"What happened?" 

Sergeant Avila signals for him to sit at the table, but he shakes his head. She nods in understanding, but sends a weird look to her colleague that Eddie can't really read right now. He doesn't care.

"We have reason to believe that Evan Buckey was involved in an armed robbery this morning around 10:30, between Culver Boulevard and South Canfield Avenue, in front of a Trader Joe's."

Eddie feels like he can't breathe. 

"He suffered serious stab wounds to the abdomen and to the neck after being attacked by a man who attempted to steal his wallet."

The abdomen. His neck. Buck's neck.

"Another man was involved and I have officers on the scene to gather information from witnesses, so we should be able to know more about the attacker in a few hours. However, the man did run away and the other victim is in surgery, so as of now we have no clear description of—"

"Ask Buck." Eddie says, like it is that easy. He's pleading with Sergeant Avila to tell him that is an option.

And it's then that Eddie's hopes and dreams backfire. The only thing that had driven him here safely goes up in flames and isn't it ironic, how fast things burn? Eddie should know that. He's seen it so many times—how volatile life is. It's there one second and then you blink and it disappears in thin air like it was never there and Eddie can't do this.

He can't do this again.  

He hears officer Pierce's words, as he tells Eddie the severity of the injuries sustained. Perforated intestines and stomach, severed carotid artery.

He was already dead by the time the paramedics arrived on scene.

"We're really sorry for your loss." 

He's leaning against the wall but the room is tilting. 

It's one of those amusement park rides, where you walk inside a cylinder that keeps spinning and spinning as they flare blinding lights at you and the music is so loud you can't even hear your own laughter as you run for the exit.

Buck is dead.

Buck was stabbed to death and he was alone. Eddie wasn't there because he was too lazy tagging along for a grocery run. 

Buck died and he had no idea how deep Eddie's love for him ran.

It's like he's the one being stabbed. He feels the sharp blade of a rusty knife pinch his skin, right above his heart, and puncture tissue, muscle and bone, to the very core of his love for Buck. 

It's the expression on the officers' faces that makes Eddie slump further down and he's on the floor, crouched into a shell of himself. 

Buck doesn't know Eddie loves him. And he never will.

Because he died. 

Joy died and Eddie—

"Is there someone else that could go through with the procedure in your stead?"  

He lifts his head, blinks at the Sergeant. The procedure. 

They stare at him, officer Pierce with a thin sheen of tears in his eyes and Eddie wants to scream. 

"I'm… I'm sorry, what procedure?" He doesn't recognise his voice. 

It's all wrong, it all sounds wrong. Everything is wrong. So wrong, so wrong, so fucking wrong. Buck is dead and nothing is right. 

Sergeant Avila clears her throat, stepping closer to him. "We need you to identify the body." 

Eddie recoils and shakes his head, tight, snappy movements. 

What .

"We're aware how difficult something like this can be, if you need time to process what that entails we can give you the room and be back in ten minutes."

Ten minutes is the blink of an eye. Eddie doesn't need time. Eddie needs it to stop. 

He needs this to not be happening again.

His stomach churns. 

"Or you could call someone else to do it for you. We can even make the call, you would only need to give us a number." 

"No," he whispers. Eyes wide stuck to the tiles behind officer Pierce's head. "No, you can't— don't call anyone." Eddie rises in a panic, clenching and unclenching his hands, breaths coming in short. "I'll do it. I'll do… I'll help you."

Avila gets closer, hands raised to soothe him, "I see, I understand." 

"We can provide you with pictures, if you do not think you could handle seeing the body in person." 

Eddie is so confused. He just wants to go home. 

He needs to go home.

Buck is about to return with groceries and he'll be wondering where Eddie went. 

"Mr. Diaz, are you sure you don't want us to call Maddie Han again? Being Mr. Buckley's next of kin, she was our first call, but she didn't pick up. Maybe you could–"

And it's that that tips Eddie over. 

He'll have to call Maddie. Maddie who raised Buck like her own, who loved him when no one else could. Maddie who—

He feels sick. He's gonna throw up if they don't stop talking.

"We saw he was a firefighter, maybe there's someone from his station that could come here and identify him."

Eddie vomits the breakfast Buck had cooked for the 118 only this morning on the Sergeant's shoes.

And then he vomits another time, thinking he'll never eat something cooked by him ever again. 

***

It's midday. 12:03 to be precise. Eddie knows because he's staring at the bright red automatic clock that reminds him of the ones they had in the medic tents during his time in Afghanistan.

He's standing just outside one of the morgue's rooms—room number seven, if the giant number above the door is not a hallucination.

The Sergeant doesn't give him the time to overthink this, opens the door and steps aside to let him walk in. Eddie does, because he's on autopilot and he has to pretend like this isn't the worst thing he's ever been forced to do. He has to stay strong and pull through because the idea of asking any other person in his life to identify Buck's body sounds like an even worse nightmare.

He doesn't look at the body on the table, waits for the pathologists to signal he can get closer. 

He's glaring at the neon blue overlight when he sees the doctor move next to the metal table and tries to focus on the pungent smell of chemicals that permeates the morgue.

It's cold here.

He wants to go home. 

He wants to fall asleep on the couch, face squashed against Buck's neck.

Buck's neck, that was sliced open by a monster.

A thought crosses his mind and he wants to be the one on that table, because the next thing he thinks is something no one in the world of the living would share the sentiment for. The only person who would understand what he's feeling is lying lifeless in front of him.

He swallows down tears, something salty and too thick. He doesn't want to be here.

"Whenever you're ready," Sergeant Avila murmurs. It still comes out loud as a gunshot in the silent room. 

Eddie steps closer, hugs his arms and straightens his back. He gives a terse nod to the doctor and she lifts the cover off Buck's face and folds it on his chest. 

Eddie's eyes fall immediately to the gnarly maroon cut, but it's just a split second before they betray him and go to his face. 

Betrayal turns into salvation from infinite madness.

Time halts again. Eddie stops counting. 

One hour, thirty-four minutes and fifty-seven seconds. 

And Buck is still alive.

Because this man with a slit throat and long black straight hair is not Buck.

Eddie turns his back to the table, bends forward, his hands on his knees and he weeps. 

Because Buck is still alive and Eddie will get to love him. 

A hand falls on his back, warm and comforting. 

"I'm sorry, Mr. Diaz," officer Pierce says. 

Eddie dry heaves and shakes his head. 

"We're done here, we can go back to the waiting room. We don't–"

"It's not him," he manages to get out, as tears blur his vision. He barks a laugh, brief and devoid of any feeling. "That's not Buck." 

But it's still someone's loved one. And they're probably waiting somewhere in this hospital for this same man to come out of surgery. It's still a poor 30-something guy who was just trying to get milk and bread and ended up being a victim.

Buck is alive. 

Eddie walks out the room and strides for the elevator they came from, police at his heel. Only one thing in his mind. 

"Mr. Diaz, wait!" Officer Pierce is saying. "We understand this is a very difficult situation, are you sure that was–"

Eddie doesn't even look at them, "Buck has a birthmark, on his left eye. It's bright red."

Buck has a birthmark and Eddie will get to kiss it every night for the rest of his life if things go the way he planned. 

"That man is not Buck." 

It goes quickly from there, or maybe it doesn't, but Eddie doesn't really notice what the officers tell him. Sergeant Avila accompanies him to the front desk to understand what happened. 

They switched their wallets. The paramedics must have grabbed the wrong one for each patient and when the hospital staff had to insert their information they didn't question it. 

Because why would they. 

So Buck had died, again.

And Eddie had lost someone, again.

He'd seen a dead body. But it didn't belong to his best friend, so that's unimportant now. 

He'll unpack that later, when Buck is next to him. Breathing and warm and present and alive next to him. 

Eddie had lived again in a world without Evan Buckley.

And then Buck wasn't dead anymore, again . And Eddie could love him, still . 

Sergeant Avila takes him to the waiting room on the ER floor and makes sure he's fine waiting by himself, then approaches a woman who is staring at the void, picking at her fingers. Eddie looks away, not willing to carry any more of her burden today. 

He'll feel guilty about it later, when laying in bed with his son, he'll think about the relief and sheer happiness that overcame him at finding out his partner was still alive and for once he didn't have to be the one grieving. But now, he needs to focus on his family. 

He still needs to warn Maddie. And he needs to inform the 118. Bobby needs… He could start by calling Bobby. 

Eddie knows Buck will want to see Bobby first when he wakes up.

He's taking out his phone with shaking hands, his adrenaline gradually dissipating as he waits for a doctor to update him on Buck's condition, when someone calls his name.

"Mr. Diaz?" 

He turns to officer Pierce, who looks apologetic to say the least.

Now that Eddie is not riddled with panic and resignation, he's truly seeing him for the first time. 

Pierce must be a rookie of some sorts, he looks too human still to have been in the forces for long. He also doesn't look a day older than 23. He's probably fresh out of the academy.

"I'm sorry about the whole," he makes a circular motion in front of him and Eddie stops him, frowning. 

"Not your fault." 

Officer Pierce nods a couple of times, avoiding meeting Eddie's eyes and then looks at his chest as he continues talking, "I really hope I'm not overstepping here, but I wanted to make it easier for you after we made you go through that, so I asked how Mr. Buckley was doing."

Eddie sits up at that, phone forgotten on the chair next to his.

"He also sustained major injuries, but the severity of them wasn't fatal. Two stabbing wounds to the abdomen, the attacker got his spleen. They were able to stop the bleeding on scene, but the damage was still significant enough that they're performing a splenectomy." 

Before Eddie can drive himself into a panic attack again, Pierce offers even more. 

"They said he was conscious when he got to the hospital, that's good," he smiles and Eddie smiles back, faintly. "Mr. Diaz, he's fine. He'll make a full recovery."

He tries to keep it up, but the relief of knowing the aggressor only got his spleen is getting to him. He swallows once, twice and then he shakes his head, holding back the tears that have been threatening to overwhelm him for the past hour. 

Eddie can't help but close in on himself, arms on his legs and face hidden in his hands. 

"He might need to rest and do office work instead of actively fighting fires for a month or two, but your…" Pierce trails off, realising Eddie never told them what relationship he shared with Buck.

Eddie rises, taking a deep breath and clearing his throat, "Partner." 

And Eddie is not lying, not really. Buck is his partner. On and off the job.

Pierce's smile turns even brighter, "Your partner will be fine."

"Thank you," he croaks out, nodding in gratitude. "Truly, thank you, I–"

"Pierce!" Sergeant Avila shouts at them, running towards the exit. "We gotta leave, they got the stabber!" 

"Everything will be okay. Goodbye, Mr. Diaz." 

Eddie doesn't even get the time to say it back that they're gone. 

And he's alone again, phone in hand, juggling with indecision on who to call first. 

The truth is that the idea of talking to anyone on the phone about what happened this morning terrifies him, and he is not sure he can go through it again under these circumstances.

That's why he pulls up the 118 group chat and hopes nobody will insult him for choosing this way of communication. 

Buck's gonna be okay anyway. He's not in the danger zone. Buck is alive.

Eddie's smile is watery and he has to rub his eyes to see the screen.

Eddie

I'm sorry to be doing this over text, and
everyone is fine-ish, before you panic.

 Buck got into an accident and 
is now in surgery for a splenectomy.
I still have to talk to his doctors,
but the police informed me he's not at risk.

We're at Cedars-Sinai, I'm in the
ER waiting room, if anyone wants to join me.

I'll be able to give you more informations later,
hopefully

Chimney

Jesus, does Maddie know?

Eddie

From what I know, not yet. They tried
calling her first, but she didn't pick up.

I'm assuming she's at work, I was gonna
text her after I texted you

Chimney

Yeah she is, I'll call her

What happened? 

Eddie lets out a shaky breath, looks around the waiting room. Buck is alive and he just has to wait.

They told me Buck was dead and I had to identify a corpse and now I'm trying not to panic in a room full of strangers because I need to be here when he gets out of surgery.

Eddie

I'd rather tell you all in person

He's afraid he might explain something the wrong way and he really doesn't need any more misunderstandings or mixups today. 

Hen (replying to I'm sorry to be doing… )

Oh my god Eddie, Karen is at work 
and I can't leave the kids alone. But
please keep us updated!

Are you okay? Were you involved too?

His lip trembles and he bites down on it, tears silently spilling over. He cleans his cheeks hastily, shaking his head. 

Eddie starts typing. I'll be better when Buck gets out of surgery. He deletes that text and settles for something lighter, but not any less true.

Eddie

No, I wasn't. I'll be okay, don't worry

Hen

You let me know if there's anything
I can get you. I'll send you food if 
don't have the time to go get it
yourself

Eddie loves his friends. He lets Hen know he's not hungry, but still grateful for her offer. It's another five minutes before more texts come through.

Chimney 

I managed to get a hold of Maddie

I'm dropping off Jee and Daniel at 
Hen's and we'll come to Cedars

Bobby (replying to No, I wasn't. I'll be… )

Eddie, I'm on my way to Cedars, too. 
- Bobby Nash

Is there anything you need me to bring?
- Bobby Nash

He looks down at his feet, socks splattered with dry caked vomit, and fights the gag that rises in his throat. 

Eddie

I'd really appreciate socks and shoes

And a toothbrush please

Ravi (replying to I'm sorry to be doing… )

Sorry for replying just now, I was
with a client. I can swing by later
if you need someone else too

Text us when he gets out of surgery, 
sending my love to Buck

And to you, too, Eddie

Hen (replying to I'd really appreciate… )

Why aren't you wearing socks 
and shoes???

Bobby (replying to I'd really appreciate… )

Socks, shoes and toothbrush coming your way. 
- Bobby Nash

Athena will meet you in the ER 
waiting room in less than five minutes. 
- Bobby Nash

Eddie

Thanks Cap

Now that he's got nothing to do, time seems to have granted his wishes, because Eddie feels exhausted after that last text. It's like the clock isn't ticking anymore and everything is muffled around him. He knows it's his body crashing after too many hours awake and the adrenaline rush, but he can't give in to it. He feels his fingers tingle, his stomach tightening again like he's gonna be sick again. His chest hurts and his head is pounding, but he's sitting down and he's…

He's blinking slowly when someone approaches him and he doesn't recognise her until Athena is standing right in front of him and puts a hand on his shoulder.

"Eddie," she says, a concerned look on her face. She's studying his body, searching for something that will give her answers to questions he's not really sure he can handle right now. "What happened? What–"

She doesn't get to finish her next question that a doctor enters the area, calling for the family of Evan Buckley .

He's up in a heartbeat and Athena has to steady him when he sways on his feet. Her eyes never leave him as they walk up to the surgeon. 

"Evan Buckley's relatives?" 

"Yes, that'd be us," Athens replies when Eddie doesn't seem inclined to. 

"I'm doctor Wright, if you could follow me to another room, we can discuss what happened this morning."

His throat is tight, his eyes fixed on the medical chart in the doctor's hands. 

He just needs to know Buck is fine.

"He's alive?" 

It's out before he can even try to stop it.

Doctor Wright looks at him with assured seriousness, "He's alive, doing perfectly fine."

Eddie's close to crying when he nods, grateful.

The gravity of the situation finally seems to settle on Athena too, because they don't say a word as they follow the doctor. He sits down this time, Athena's hand a firm presence on his arm. 

"I'm the surgeon that operated on Mr. Buckley. He is out of surgery and in the post-op room recovering now, doing perfectly fine ." She repeats, searching Eddie's gaze. 

"The surgery went well, but we had some complications due to his blood loss that I have to disclose for legal reasons." The surgeon raises her hands at the expression that crosses over Eddie's face. "Don't worry, we were quick in fixing that and we were able to sew the stabbing wounds cleanly. If Mr. Buckley follows the post op aftercare step by step the scars will barely be visible." 

Eddie closes his eyes and brings both hands to his face. His body deflates and he doesn't even try to fight the heavy breaths of relief coming out of him. 

"He was lucky, in his bad luck. The cuts were clean and the damage could've been much worse." 

Eddie breathes in through his nose, out from his mouth. He's seen first hand what the outcome could’ve been, so even if every instinct is telling him to fight with this surgeon that Buck would've been lucky not to get stabbed at all, he's inclined to agree with her.

"He'll be shortly escorted to another room where you'll be able to stay with him until he wakes up, and a PACU nurse will come to explain the post op aftercare instructions."

"Thank you, doctor," Athena says, exchanging a small nod. 

"If you need me for some clarifications, after he wakes up, you can ask a nurse to page me." 

Eddie manages to get a small, cracked thanks .

Athena sits closer to the table, putting a hand on the surface, squeezing Eddie's arm with the other. 

"I'm sorry, you were talking about complications that implied legal consequences. What is that about?" 

He's glad she's here, because Eddie had already forgotten about that and he's not listening to a word the doctor is saying, because he can only think about Buck being alive and safe and somewhere in this hospital just waiting to wake up.

It also means he will not have to go home with another plastic bag full of his… Full of Buck's things, and explain to Christopher that yet another person he cares about is dead.

When the doctor walks them back to the waiting room and leaves, Athena turns to him and he knows he owes her some kind of explanation. But then Bobby appears behind her and his face is stricken with fear, and Eddie can't take it anymore.

His guise crumbles as he breaks down. Bobby wraps his arms around him and holds him as Eddie lets himself feel the weight of what happened from the moment he got the call to now. 

The confusion and mayhem that comes with receiving uncertain news. The terror that gripped his lungs and still won't free his heart as he waits to see Buck, breathing and healthy and alive. He just wants to take him home where he knows they're safe. 

He sobs in his old captain's embrace for what feels like an eternity and maybe it is, because when a nurse comes to tell them Buck has been moved out of the recovery room, an hour has passed. 

Eddie goes in first, Bobby and Athena warning him they'll be outside, waiting for Chimney and Maddie, who have just parked. 

He nods absentmindedly, walking towards Buck. 

Buck who looks fine.

He looks like he's sleeping. Maybe a few shades too pale, with purple dark circles under his eyes, but fine.

Eddie gets a chair and sits right next to his bed, tentatively taking Buck's hand in his and squeezing it. It's warm. 

He puts the other hand on Buck's chest, careful not to jostle him and avoiding the gauze pads and bandages wrapped around his waist. 

The responding heartbeat under his fingers and the slow fluctuating movement of his breathing make Eddie breathe in. He holds the air in for a few seconds, savoring the silence and the company. Buck, incredibly so, looks so at peace it makes him want to cry. 

He dares get closer, stroking a thumb between Buck's eyebrows, smoothing out his weak frown, and then runs a hand through his hair, combing it away from his face. 

The curls are tangled up and in a moment of panic—as Maddie comes in striding and asking what the hell happened—Eddie can't get his fingers free from it. He decides a second later he doesn't care.

He doesn't take his eyes off Buck as he gently caresses his cheek, before turning to the four people looking at him with various degrees of confusion and distress on their faces.

If any of them notices just how much Eddie is touching Buck, he pays it no heed.

Let them know. Let the world know he's in love with Evan Buckely. 

"Eddie, what–" Maddie starts crying, bringing a hand to her mouth. "He was stabbed? How– how did that… He was with me just three hours ago. What took you so long to call us?" 

He guesses Athena already caught them up on the stabbing part, which makes it easier for him to start speaking. 

His voice comes out rough, but he pulls through. 

"The paramedics switched Buck's ID with the other person who was involved in the robbery. I got called by the hospital to," he stops, fighting the new surge of nausea that comes. He doesn't look at them as he breathes through his nose, squeezes Buck's hand. "I was called to identify the body of who they thought was Buck."

"Eddie…" Bobby says, stepping closer to Buck's bed on the other side. 

Eddie brings Buck's hand to his mouth, pressing his lips to his knuckles as he tries hard not to cry. 

"It wasn't him, clearly." He rasps, his words muffled. And then he lets out a laugh, or maybe a sob, and the next thing he knows, he's crying again. Full on sobbing, with his face hidden in Buck's side.

Buck is alive right in front of him, breathing and–

Someone holds him from behind, putting their arms around his shoulders in what must be one of the most comforting hugs he's received in his entire life. And he knows it's Maddie, even if they've never really done this before. Because Buck told him what it felt like to be hugged by her, the way she has soothing powers. 

So he lets her be there for him, because the only other person he wants comfort from is on the bed and because she's the closest thing to Buck Eddie can get right now. 

They let him cry for minutes on end and when his eyes start hurting and his head is begging him to take a break, he shakes with fatigue, deflating in his seat.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that, it couldn't have been easy to see… Even if it wasn't Buck." Chimney says, putting a hand on his shoulder. 

Maddie nods, raising to her full height and standing next to her husband, who immediately puts his arm around her. "Thank you, for doing that, I–"

"No, don't even say it." Eddie shakes his head, frowning. She smiles at him, before going to the foot of the bed and taking Buck's chart.

He focuses on Bobby, then, who is currently touching Buck's arm, teary eyed. 

"I'm sorry I didn't call you right away, it was a mess and I was trying to understand what was going on before scaring everyone," he admits, trying to gauge if Bobby is mad at him. 

"You don't worry about that right now, Eddie," Athena reassures him, placing a hand on Buck's leg. "You did more than enough."

They all stay silent after that, everybody contemplating all the horrifying ways this day could've ended. 

Athena leaves at some point, claiming she has to get back on patrol and making sure they're all settled for now. She also tells them she'll let them know more details about the robbery, in case she finds something out before Buck wakes up.

Chimney leaves to go get Eddie something to eat—"You have to eat, man. You've worked 48 hours and still haven't gotten a minute of sleep. You need some fuel."—and to update the rest of their people. Maddie tags along, saying she's also hungry and could use a bathroom break.

Eddie thanks them and then it's just him and Bobby. They're in a similar position at Buck's sides, only difference is Bobby is praying. Eddie has been counting the hail marys and the holy fathers and can't really bring himself to join. 

He looks up and Buck, his light frown back in his otherwise relaxed face. 

Eddie doesn't know what compels him to say it, but he does it anyway.

"I was gonna tell him I love him tonight."

Bobby stops, turning to him. They share a look, something private, something cautious. Bobby opens his mouth, closes it, then smiles.

"I'm happy for you, Eddie. Proud," Bobby settles for. "Thank you for telling me." 

Eddie smiles back, hesitant. He came out to Bobby and nothing happened. 

He came out to another person and the world is still spinning.

"I… I shouldn't, right? Not now that this—" Eddie backtracks, feeling the cold tendrils of shame grip his throat. Is it selfish? For him to want this now more than anything else? 

"I don't think you should tell him tonight, no." Bobby confirms his fears. That he'll have to wait more, that the agony of not being free to love Buck openly will drag on torturing him. "I think you should do it as soon as he wakes up." 

Eddie is taken aback. He's so surprised, it makes Bobby laugh. 

His old captain shakes his head, smiling fondly as he looks at Buck. 

"Listen, Eddie," Bobby starts, his voice lower, considerate, as if he doesn't want to scare him. "It might not be my place—maybe I'm overstepping and giving you false hope here, but I'm fairly optimistic when I say this boy over here loves you more than he loves firefighting." 

Eddie suddenly can't breathe.

"When I first came across your file I was excited to have you in my team. I needed someone to ground Buck and balance out his recklessness while also giving him the freedom to find his own footing, and understand what he wanted from this job. You came into our lives and there hasn't been a day where I regret choosing you for him. You were meant to be his left arm, his partner on the job. And you became so much more. 

"I know you've heard the stories about before, I'm positive Buck made sure of it. Before you came to the 118. But you changed him. You gave him purpose in giving him Christopher. I've watched you two form a bond people can only hope to find. You created a family together. You and Christopher gave him a home. Buck loves you. I think he's just waiting for you to catch up."

Eddie is not sure there's any air in the room. 

"So yes, Eddie, I think you should tell him as soon as he wakes up because life is unpredictable. And today he was stabbed," Bobby's eyes go misty, as he presses his lips together. When he speaks again, his voice comes out raspy. "We could have lost him and he might have never known this. And I know that crossed your mind, because it crossed mine all the time I spent in that lab."

Eddie's sharp intake is for the books. He should sign up for acting classes, truly. 

Bobby has never spoken about his time in the laboratory to him. Be it because Eddie never asked or because they never found each other in contexts where it was possible, but this is the first time Bobby brings it up.

And he's looking right at him as he continues talking. 

"Athena is the love of my life. I made sure she knew that while I thought I was dying. I made sure she knew I didn't want to leave her. But while I was in there, I found myself thinking of all the things I wanted to tell her and never would. For some reason, we're the lucky ones. And God gave us another chance. So many chances, Eddie. So don't waste any more time—it's all borrowed anyway. Take what you're given and don't doubt yourself."

Bobby sniffs, runs a hand down his face, "Buck will love you regardless, but I think he's ready for you to get to his level. Has been for a while." 

Eddie is staring at Bobby like he grew a second head, because what the actual fuck . He suspected his team might be onto him—and Buck, apparently—but this is insane. He's trying to find something to say to Bobby, to reply to this magnitude of information he was just given with the same amount of… whatever this conversation requires, but he's coming up empty.
"Thank you, I–"

It's Buck that interrupts him, scaring the living shit out of both of them.

"I will," he slurs, eyes only half open. "You know? I will love you regardless." 

And he's out again, in seconds. Eddie's heart is beating in his throat. 

There's a beat of silence and, "I want a muffin so baad ." 

Buck is clearly not up yet, it's the anesthesia talking. But he said—

Bobby bursts into laughter, rubbing a hand down Buck's arm, "I'll get you a muffin when you're fully up, kid."

Buck loves him regardless. 

***

Eddie wants to punch himself.  

He truly, honestly wants to take a right hook to his face. 

Because his timing is awful and Buck is awake and asking for him and he was too busy peeing when Bobby texted him. He barely remembered to wash his hands before taking off towards Buck's room.

He's sprinting down the hall and a couple of nurses curse after him to slow down, but Eddie has one thing on his mind and he's not gonna stop for anything else.

He's a few feet from the door when Buck's soft chuckles reach him and he blinks, halting right outside the room. 

His heart could be beating its way out of his chest and Eddie wouldn't be surprised. He's about to walk the distance between him and the rest of them, when another voice carries and for some reason, it stops him there.

"...you try and pull something like this ever again and I'll stab you myself, I swear." 

Buck laughs at his sister's words and then groans in pain, something that makes Eddie wince. "Maddie, please." 

He knows the moment he'll set foot into that room, everyone will leave to give Eddie and Buck some time and he knows they need to see for themselves that Buck is alive. He can be selfless for a little while longer.

He'll have the rest of his life to be selfish and love Buck. 

" No , that was so stupid of you, this could've ended much worse."

There's a brief pause and then, "I saw someone in danger and I needed to step in." 

"What you needed to do was call the police, Buckaroo," Athena intervenes. "Your sister is right." 

Eddie frowns. What are they talking about? He's confused to put it mildly, but he's also pretty perceptive and if his mind is right and Buck actually did step into an armed robbery without any kind of weapon, Eddie is–

"The guy was gonna kill him if I didn't do anything, I…" Buck stops. "What happened to the other man?" 

His question is met with silence, and then, " No ." 

"I'm sorry, kid," Bobby says. "They said the injuries were too severe, he didn't make it to the hospital." 

Eddie hears Buck sniffs and every thought of letting them have a moment disappears. He's not gonna stand outside his room while he cries and gets comfort from the rest of them. He gathers every drop of courage in his body as he goes and his eyes find Buck's the moment he steps into the room. 

Athena, Bobby, Maddie and Chimney all turn to him, but Eddie doesn't even see them.

"Hey," he whispers, clutching the rail at the end of Buck's bed, forcing himself not to jump over it and hold Buck. 

"Hi," Buck smiles, a little watery. He winces slightly, making Eddie's stomach tighten. The nausea still hasn't gone away completely. Buck grimaces, closing his eyes, "I didn't get you toothpaste, sorry." 

Eddie's lips part, "I… what?" 

Buck laughs weakly and then winces even worse than before, holding his side, "Fuck, that really hurts." 

"That's what you get for jumping on a man holding a knife," Chimney jokes, but there's a worried tone beneath it all. 

And then it hits Eddie. 

"You did what?" 

It is a second, and all the concern and terror that has permeated his every cell up to this moment is replaced by raging fury.

Buck works his jaw, shaking his head lightly and putting his head back on the pillow. He's looking straight at Eddie, daring him to say something. 

Chimney snorts, "Our hero over here thought it was a good idea to quite literally hop between the attacker and the—"

He doesn't get to finish the sentence that Eddie is sheeting, a fiery and ugly thing growing in his throat.

"Are you out of your fucking mind?" 

Buck blinks in surprise and opens his mouth.

"No, seriously," Eddie doesn't give him the time to reply and thanks God he's not standing at Buck's side, because he feels anger he's never felt before in his life. "Did something happen between Maddie's house and Trader Joe's that made you lose your goddamn mind?" 

Buck lifts his chin, ready to reiterate, but Eddie is on a tangent now.

"You were walking to the store and what?" 

He feels it spreading. The way it takes everything in his brain. 

"Decided it was a good idea to just try to get the guy with a knife without nothing but your bare hands ?" 

Eddie is screaming now. And Bobby is watching him with keen eyes—he can feel them burning on his face. He's aware they have an audience, but he's past the point of caring now that he's been given the whole picture of this morning's assault. Now that he knows Buck risked his own life for a stranger in the stupidest fucking way. "You don't get to do that when there's people waiting for you at home. You don't get to play the hero and decide to…" 

Images of what he had to see in the morgue flashes in his mind and he turns to the door, breaths coming out in fast, shallow beats. He curses under his breath when he feels tears sting his eyes. 

"Eddie, I'm…" 

He turns, pointing a finger at Buck, clenching his fist. He shakes his head, disgust probably visible in his expression, masking the dread that's taking over his body. "Dont'." 

"We risk our lives every day," Buck points out, eyebrows pulling together in confusion. "We literally run into buildings on fire. It's our job."

"Oh, fuck you," he spits, adrenaline surging in his veins at finally having Buck say something back. "You know it's not the same."

Chimney tries to step in, "Eddie, maybe you could step out for a moment. Calm down."

"We're trained to go into fires. We train and then we have to prove ourselves for a year. We have protocols and rules. " Eddie is beyond trying to see Buck's point now. "We don't just get the first person on the street to help us out. That's not our job." 

Maddie places a hand on Buck's shoulder, distracting him for a split second and breaking off their staring contest. Eddie feels the way it frees him for a moment, the heaviness of it unknown to him till now. 

"Buck, he's right. That was… that was incredibly reckless. This is not how you handle these situations." 

Eddie is coming down from it, but Buck opens his mouth again and it's like a dam breaks in him.

"I had to try, he needed someone to help him and people were running away and I—"

"You should have called 9-1-1." Athena repeats. 

It's not anger seizing him anymore. It's that same fear that had clutched his throat and held it in its hands for endless minutes as he drove and spoke to the police officers and walked down to the morgue and had to stare at a dead man's face thinking he'd see Buck's features. 

"You don't understand, I had to do it. I—"

"I—" Eddie interrupts him, finger pointed at his chest shaking. "I got the call, Buck." 

Buck recoils slowly, like he knows what it means. And Eddie is brought back to years before, when he hit rock bottom and his kid—his amazing, beautiful, smart kid—had to call Buck in a panic, because Eddie couldn't handle it anymore. 

Maddie hushers everyone outside then, Bobby placing a hand on Eddie's shoulder as he passes, squeezing reassuringly. He doesn't say anything to any of them, just waits for the door to click shut behind him before stepping further from the bed. From Buck. 

Buck who is currently watching him like guilt is his best friend and Eddie his worst enemy. 

"I got the call," Eddie repeats, swallowing around a dry throat. "And they asked me to come here without telling me what had happened because the paramedics switched your wallets." 

Understanding dawns on Buck's face. Eddie brings a hand to his neck, kneading the flesh there.

"I thought you'd died, Buck." He chokes on his words, a single tear spilling down his cheek. "They told me you were dead." 

"Eddie, please," Buck is extending a hand towards him and his words are pained, like imagining Eddie going through that is hurting him, too.

"I had to drive here without knowing whether you were alive and then you weren't. And now, knowing you willingly put yourself at risk, I… I'm mad at you."

"I'm sorry ," Buck says, pushing himself up, groaning loudly for it. Eddie is at his side in a blink, pushing him down gently from the shoulder, his eyes crazily sweeping his face for more discomfort. 

"Don't move." He orders.

Buck doesn't seem to care, he readjusts his position, finally getting a hold of Eddie's hand, "I'm sorry." 

Eddie nods now, "I know." 

Buck shakes his head, runs his thumb over Eddie's knuckles.

"I didn't think the attacker was gonna turn on me." He grimaces again, "I genuinely thought I could take him by surprise by jumping on him from behind, he was… he was so focused on the other guy I didn't think he'd hear me coming. I think he saw my shadow. But he turned at the last second, got me twice. Athena told me he ran after that, but they arrested him already." 

Eddie nods again, not sure he wants to hear this story anymore, but… It slaps him in the face, the fact that Eddie had to go through hell to be here, that Buck lived through yet another traumatic experience. 

"Are you okay?" He whispers, squeezing Buck's hand. He squeezes right back, a couple of times. 

Buck nods tiredly, closing his eyes and lulling his head to the side, "I'm just a bit exhausted." 

And then he opens those ocean blues that got Eddie through the worst of times and he is reminded of Bobby's speech. Of Buck's words. 

Of the promise he made to himself. 

Seek joy. Be selfish.

He fights the urge to run his fingers through Buck's curls. 

He's tracing the outline of his birthmark with his eyes when Buck speaks again, so soft, "I'm sorry, Eddie, I didn't mean to get hurt. I swear, I was only thinking of helping the other man."

Eddie takes a deep breath. 

"Did he really… Is he actually dead?" 

He so doesn't want to do this, so he gives a sharp nod and that's it. He's not gonna put this weight on Buck as well, not now.

That has to be it because the next thing Buck says is, "Christopher?" 

And everything is forgotten in a fleeting moment of sheer happiness. Because this is it. What brought Eddie to love the man lying on this bed. The care and devotion they share for Christopher. 

Eddie smiles. He smiles and he shakes his head and he brings his free hand to his face to hide the warmth growing on his cheeks. 

Because they're so dumb. 

"What?" Buck asks, and Eddie hears it, even if he's not looking at him. He hears Buck's smile and isn't that lovely? He doesn't need to take his hand off his face to know Buck's left side of the mouth is tilted up and his dimple is there on his cheek. He doesn't need to look to see his crouched eyebrows and shiny curious eyes. 

"He's fine. He has no idea anything happened. Hen got him from school and the kids are all at hers," Eddie's reply comes muffled. "I was gonna call him when you were up and awake so you could talk to him yourself." 

When he looks at Buck again, his best friend is staring at him. 

Eddie's feeling self-conscious all of a sudden. 

A few beats pass in silence while they study each other, just basking in the comforting knowledge they're both okay. 

"What?" Buck repeats, whispers. 

Eddie opens his mouth, his eyes flickering to Buck's lips. 

"I'm…" 

This is it. This is easy .

He looks Buck in the eyes, not blinking, not risking losing any more time. His cheeks are dusted in pink and his vision is blurring and he loves Buck. And that's all that matters.

"I'm in love with you." 

It's so easy . 

Buck's face relaxes, his lips part. He looks so shocked for a second that he slumps back on the pillows. 

Eddie snorts, his chin trembling. He nods, "I– Yeah, I love you, Evan." 

"And I have for a long time now. I'm not… I'm not sure what– who I am. I'm still trying to figure out the whole sexuality thing and I'm hoping you'll help me with it, but what I know, what I'm sure of?" Eddie squeezes Buck's hand again. He smiles, "Is that I'm in love with you." 

He's never gonna get tired of saying it.

"I don't care what comes after this, just know that you're it for me. And if you need some time to, to think about this, I'll give it to you. I'll go somewhere and I'll leave you the house, and Christopher, because I'm not uprooting him again, and because you deserve to recover in a familiar place. But I'll be around every day with food and, and, I'll drive you to your checkup appointments, if you'll let me." 

He knows he's ranting. He doesn't really know how to stop. He's so not used to this. 

It's only Buck's groan that's able to make him pause. 

"Eddie…" Buck is tearing up now, eyes red and puffy and… he's smiling. Buck is smiling so Eddie does, too.

Eddie breathes out, "Buck." 

He tries lifting a hand to Eddie's face and when he doesn't manage to reach his cheek, he sighs, "Please, get here." 

Eddie obliges in a split second. He's sitting on the side of the bed, leaning closer to him. It's like being bathed in sunlight when Buck's fingertips finally brush against his jaw. He feels the electricity of it all to his heart, it's cursing through his veins. 

"You love me?" Buck laughs, in disbelief, years and years of waiting, unknowingly pining, desperately hoping for this setting free.

Eddie nods, closing his eyes and leaning into Buck's touch, who cups his face. 

"That's… that's nice. That's really good." 

Eddie laughs a wet thing, opening his eyes and scrunching his nose, "That's it? I tell you I love you after you almost died again and you tell me it's a good thing?" 

Buck can't help the half sob half snort that comes out of him, "You know I love you back." 

And Eddie does know. He does, truly, but he's still surprised. At the certainty of it. The confidence with which Buck speaks those words. It's the factuality of the sentence that takes him aback. 

They're both crying now, nothing too loud, nothing too dramatic. They're simply both relieved, that they're finally here. 

Eddie turns on the mattress, hitching a knee on it so he's touching Buck even more, and he runs a hand through his curls, letting it fall to the side on his neck, feeling his heartbeat pulse under his palm. 

"I am," Buck whispers again, his eyes drooping a little bit. "I am so in love with you , Eddie. I'm stupid about it. About you." 

And Eddie knows they'll have to talk more about this, because they're both ridden with anxiety and neither are good at talking their concerns out loud, but this is enough for now. Because before Eddie can address it, Buck says, a little shy, "I wish I had the strength to kiss you right now." 

"God, me too," Eddie smirks, forcing his wild heart to slow down, "I wouldn't recommend that, though." 

Buck seems offended by his words, an eyebrow arching in question. 

Eddie clears his throat, scratching the back of his head, "I… I got sick. This morning. Before finding out you were still alive." 

"Eddie…" 

"It's fine, it's fine. Truly." He's fast in reassuring his… Buck that everything's good. He doesn't let them dwell on it too long. "And I did brush my teeth, but I'm still feeling a little nauseous so I'd rather you–" 

"This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me." 

Eddie's laugh surprises them both. 

"You not being able to kiss me is the worst thing that's ever happened to you ? Really, Buck? The worst?" 

Buck shrugs, closing his eyes. Eddie can see his tiredness in the liquid motions of his arms, the slow lulling of his head. 

"Eddie, I'm telling you," he murmurs. "The fucking worst." 

So they laugh, because they're alive. And because they get to do this for the rest of their lives.

***

Three months later

Buck is humming under his breath with his face smashed in the crook of Eddie's neck. He's been hiding there for a few minutes now, signing what Eddie is pretty sure is the soundtrack of the latest musical they watched with Chimney during one of the q-word shifts.

He doesn't really mind this. In fact, Eddie fucking loves it when Buck gets this clingy and he just exists in his space. 

When he was released from the hospital almost three months ago, they'd had to dial it down a little bit in order not to set Buck's recovery back. It had been hard in the beginning, not being able to ravish each other the way they'd been talking about in the long hours at the hospital, but Buck's doctors had given him the okay to do more just a couple of weeks ago and Eddie has been living his best life.  

Sex with Buck is great—sex with Buck is the best sex Eddie has had. 

He loves getting the raw, open and unashamed version of his best friend in a way no one else ever will again. He loves being able to touch, kiss, lick, hold every part of Buck's body the way God always intended him to.

He loves being able to give it all back without holding anything in for fear of being too much. 

Because the truth is, Buck is just as insane about Eddie. 

What he loves the most though, is getting these moments in between shifts. He gets to go home with Buck and just shower together and let his boyfriend wash his hair and then they get to slide under the covers together and Eddie sometimes forgets to take off his socks, which leads to Buck showing his true colors and just how actually obsessed he is with Eddie.

Like right now, Buck is laying on top of him, his arms holding onto Eddie's shoulders from under him, his stomach digging into Eddie's hip bone and his feet… his feet inside Eddie's socks.

"I need to be closer to you, Eds," Buck had said the first time he'd done it, after Eddie had asked him what the hell he'd been trying to do.

Eddie had laughed so hard he'd started crying and Buck had put on that defeating pout that Eddie could not resist in any shape or form. So, after drying his tears, he'd simply laid back and let Buck do his own thing.

His boyfriend had shimmied his way onto Eddie's body and then–after minutes of dodged elbows in the face and knees in the balls–he'd managed to slip his right foot into Eddie's sock. Getting his left foot into the other sock had been even more taxing, but they'd found a foolproof method after dozens of tries, and Eddie didn't even question it anymore. 

He simply loved his boyfriend so loud and proud he didn't care for Buck's cricket feet inside his own pieces of clothing.

So he keeps reading, or at least he tries, as Buck sings. 

And he runs his fingers through Buck's curls and leaves kisses on his temple whenever he wants to, because he can. And because they're alive. 

So he'll love Buck forever , and not a single thing could stop him from doing so.