Archive of Our Own

Those few seconds after waking up were the worst.

When Vi opened her eyes, she caught sight of the ceiling above her, expensive and decorated with intricate ornaments, already familiar to her eyes. She stared at them (as she did every morning) for a moment, trying to find some kind of pattern. She didn't know what time it was, and her mind hadn't even bothered to start thinking about that yet. The heavy blanket covered her, burying her comfortably in the mattress. She breathed in the stale air of the room, which was shrouded in darkness, and for a moment she was at peace.

That was before the haze of whatever dream she had already forgotten faded away, and her chest tightened with that familiar feeling.

Those few seconds after waking up were the worst, because they never failed to give her the false impression that everything was fine.

Her gaze immediately flew to Caitlyn. As soon as she noticed that she was breathing steadily (her hair tousled and scattered across the pillow), she felt relief wash over her despite her tight stomach.

She let her gaze linger on Caitlyn for a moment, allowing herself to be calmed by the gentle movements of her chest with each breath, trying not to think about anything specific.

Vi looked out the window. Now that she was slowly getting her bearings, it was clear that it wasn't as early as she had originally thought. It was slowly getting light outside, which could mean it was around- what? 7:30 in the morning? The sun didn't shine in Zaun, either in summer or winter, so she didn't know if she could reliably estimate the time based on the light, but she heard from someone that they do it. So she also tried. It seemed useful.

The weather outside seemed surprisingly calm. That was nice. Vi didn't like the winds that accompanied winter, and she wasn't particularly fond of snow either. For most of her life, snow meant misery and freezing while huddling under a thin blanket with Powder.

Now, however, it wasn't snowing outside, and although it didn't matter at all in the warmth of Caitlyn's bedroom (or “their bedroom,” as Caitlyn always corrected Vi), it still gave Vi a sense of relief.

Caitlyn continued to doze. It was nothing unusual. Vi was usually the one who woke up first. Sometimes she would wake up two or three hours before dawn and spend the time in her anxious existence staring at Caitlyn until she woke up.

It was one of the few moments when she felt completely paralyzed, and that was until Caitlyn opened her eyes. There was no point in getting up in the meantime to have breakfast, take a walk in the garden, or even brush her teeth. Until Caitlyn was awake, Vi couldn't do anything but anxiously stare at her in the hope she would wake up.

She grabbed the notebook that lay on her bedside table. The size of the notebook wasn’t big – smaller than her palm, and just the right size to fit comfortably in her pocket without getting in the way of her daily activities. She pressed it against her chest so that she could feel its sharp edges.

Věrka had given it to her a few weeks ago. There was an inventory check at the bookstore where Vi had worked for several months now, and Věrka (the old Zaunite who owned the store) discovered that the delivery man had brought five more notebooks than he was supposed to. Rather than return them, Věrka gave them away. And so one of them went to Vi.

She opened it and leafed through to the last page. Her eye caught the last few sentences she had written: Have you ever missed the smell of the noodle soup mom used to make? Then: You would never want to leave this garden. There are so many tall trees you could climb. And: Today I saw some teenager in town. For a moment, I thought it was Mylo, I almost waved at him. Has that ever happened to you?

She turned to a blank page and grabbed a pen lying on the table. She carefully opened the cap and placed it next to her on the pillow. She hoped the scratching of the pen on the paper wouldn't wake Caitlyn.

This comforter is high quality, she wrote. It's probably filled with real feathers, and the duvet cover is from some overpriced store that sells all the bedding in this house. You wouldn't believe it. Even the old sheet that used to belong to Caitlyn's crib came from that store that pretends all their fabrics are woven by some experts from the north. I don't know if you'd find that funny or horrifying. I don't know a lot of things these days.

Vi turned back to Caitlyn just to prove to herself she was really breathing. When she was sure of it, she turned back to the blank pages waiting for her words.

We used to stuff our duvets with old rags for the winter. Do you remember that? Or were you too young? When it was really cold, Dad would also stuff old cardboard pieces on top. Just so there was an extra layer in the duvets and the cold couldn't get to us so easily. Vi paused, but after a moment she continued. Sometimes I think I might prefer those old duvets. That maybe I'd rather collect old cardboard boxes than sleep in a room whose walls don't let any cold in and under a duvet that's heavier than me.

***

When Caitlyn finally opened her eyes after what felt like hours but was realistically more like twenty minutes, Vi sighed in relief.

(She never told Caitlyn about this. It was way too embarrassing to admit. Besides, she didn't want to share with anyone how difficult it was for her to sleep in general. If she could, she would avoid it altogether, do anything to avoid those dreams where everything was okay.)

She was calmer now, and her lips automatically locked into a smile. Caitlyn squinted against the light that was slowly brightening the room and grunted. She instinctively covered her left eye, which had been more sensitive to light since the war, with one hand and yawned. Vi may have hated waking up, but she would have gladly given up everything just to watch Caitlyn wake up every day for eternity.

Caitlyn squinted and turned to Vi. Seeing her, she smiled. "Good morning," she grumbled.

"Hello."

The next moment, Caitlyn sat up, her expression slightly panicked, as if she had just remembered something. "Oh, shit."

Vi frowned. "What? Is something wrong?" Her body tensed, half ready for anything that might happen.

Caitlyn sighed and rubbed her face. "Nothing, I just... I wanted to wake up before you and make you breakfast. But I guess I overslept."

"Breakfast?" Vi wrinkled her nose in curiosity but also slight confusion. Not only was Caitlyn a terrible cook, but the fact that she wanted to do something like that was strange. Not that Caitlyn wasn't generous or willing. She had spent the last few months trying to make Vi's life in this mansion as pleasant as possible.

But she had never wanted to make her breakfast before.

"Of course," Caitlyn smiled, but after a second, her face was flooded with uncertainty. "You-you do know what day it is today. Right?"

Vi actually did know. The sales week started yesterday at the bookstore. It was probably pointless to work, and Caitlyn kept reminding her of that, but Vi couldn't imagine staying in this cold mansion with its spacious hallways and high ceilings every day. With all her thoughts and the suffocating weight of... grief. At least this way, she could occupy her mind with other things. Like the fact that the sales week had started yesterday and the date it began was December 18, which meant- "Today is the 19th, right?"

It seemed that any concerns Caitlyn had had melted away. She smiled and kissed Vi on the cheek. "We're gonna celebrate later, okay?"

Vi wasn't sure what exactly was being celebrated, but didn’t argue. It was strange – as if her return from Stillwater made it much harder to realize that people lived day to day. That someone designated one day as a work day, another as a day to celebrate the founding of the city, and that people were genuinely interested in these frivolous events. All the festivities and celebrations were slowly blending together. She no longer even tried to make sense of them or figure out what Piltovan achievement was being celebrated today.

So she just nodded. "Sure."

Caitlyn leaned against the headboard and looked at Vi with poorly concealed excitement. "I've been thinking about what we could do today. I've already called in sick to work and told Věrka that you won't be coming over. I have a plan. But we'll only do it if you want to."

Vi also sat up and leaned against the headboard next to Caitlyn. It must have been a particularly important holiday if Caitlyn was willing to skip a day of work for it. She turned her head toward her. "You know I don't care what we do. I'd go anywhere with you," she paused and then looked at Caitlyn painfully. "Unless you want to take me to some gala?"

"You think I'd make you go to a gala today of all days? God, I thought you had a higher opinion of me."

Vi wasn't sure how to respond because she still wasn't sure what the celebration was today, so she just shrugged. "So what are your plans?"

Caitlyn looked at her uncertainly. "Well... Tell me honestly if you don't like it, but I thought we could get out of town. You always said you liked the sea, but the local harbors are quite filthy, so I thought we could go to a quieter shore. There are some pretty peaceful places just outside of town. We could walk along the beach, watch the water, find a bench just for us."

Vi liked the sea. That was true. She could only swim a little, but there was something about the sea that attracted her nonetheless. Its vast presence, the way the waves touched the shore and the moored boats. Her mother had taught her to swim. Back when the bridge wasn't so heavily guarded and the Piltovans didn't mind so much when the Zaunites roamed their streets.

Now that Vi thought about it, she wanted nothing more than to go see the sea. She turned to Caitlyn. Even though the cold would make it impossible to swim in it. "Yeah."

"Yeah?" Caitlyn raised her eyebrows.

"Yeah," Vi grinned. "That would... actually be really nice. I'd like that a lot."

Caitlyn bit her lower lip with joy, revealing the adorable gap between her front teeth. Vi didn't even know why she had thought about her answer for so long. If she had known how happy it would make Caitlyn, she would have agreed right away. Just the look on her face was worth it.

Caitlyn reached out to tuck a stray strand of hair behind Vi's ear. She approached her with her usual tenderness. Vi had never considered herself someone who could be treated tenderly, and Caitlyn's gestures always took her aback. She felt like a fraud when she accepted them.

"I want you to enjoy today," Caitlyn said in a hushed voice, and Vi heard that familiar concern in her voice again. She tried to ignore it.

 "You promise this is something you want too? That you're not agreeing just because I suggested it?"

Caitlyn often did this, making sure that Vi really agreed. Especially in those first few weeks after the war, when apathy had dulled most of Vi's feelings and she couldn't bring herself to do anything but agree with whatever Caitlyn suggested. Those times were followed by days of arguments and Caitlyn's attempts to stir up anything in Vi that even remotely resembled interest.

Vi believed that she was better off now. After all, she had been dead for several months now. One should move on after such a long time, right? At least that's what everyone kept reminding Vi. "I want it," Vi said, and she meant it.

***

A few hours later, they were sitting across from each other on the train. It was Vi's first time riding a train, and for the first few minutes, she couldn't take her eyes off the landscape passing by the window. They were alone in the compartment. It was surprising, considering that Christmas was only a few days away. Vi would have thought that this would be the busiest time of year.

She leaned back into the padded seat and let herself drift away for a moment, imagining that she could spend days right there. She glanced over at Caitlyn (it became habit, out of an ever-present fear that something had happened to her in those few seconds), and Caitlyn looked over at Vi at that exact moment and smiled. It was as if she knew exactly what was going through Vi's mind, and the smile served as a substitute for any other proof.

Caitlyn had a bag stuffed with something on the seat next to her. When Vi tried to peek inside at home, Caitlyn immediately pushed it away, saying there was a surprise inside. Vi hoped that today wasn't a celebration of love or partnership or loyalty or something equally stupid. All the evidence so far pointed to that, and Vi didn't like it. She didn't have a gift for Cait.

She took the notebook out of her pocket again and opened it where she had left it that morning. Caitlyn had never asked about the notebook, and Vi had never told her about it, but Vi knew it didn't have to be a secret. And even if Caitlyn read exactly what Vi wrote in it, it wouldn't matter.

It scares me to think that your life and something as simple as a train ride seem so unimaginably far apart, Vi began. Like two points that never had a chance to meet. So many things about your life are so unfamiliar to me that I can't make a connection between you and your experiences.

I don't even know if you've ever been in love. Have you? Would you even tell me? No matter how hard I try, I can't imagine us being the kind of sisters who whisper about our crushes late into the night. Vi paused for a moment and just stared at the words she had written. Then she bent over the paper again.

I thought I'd never fall in love. It seemed unthinkable that someone would get to know me really well and want to stay, and that I would tolerate it. Believe me, when it happened with Cait of all people, I was even more shocked than you are. Now I'm not shocked anymore. Instead, I'm starting to think that living with her day after day is actually really nice. Maybe you wouldn't be very excited about it. But still, a small part of me thinks you'd be at least a little happy for me. I think... I love her. She doesn't know it yet. She was the first one to tell me (by that I mean that she loves me) about two weeks ago, but I couldn't bring myself to say it back. I froze, and all I could think was that if I said those words, something terrible would happen.

I wonder if you've ever had to deal with something similar.

She closed the notebook and tucked it safely into her jeans pocket. When she looked back at Caitlyn, she mentally checked off all the necessary boxes. Caitlyn was breathing, and Caitlyn didn't seem to be in any pain from the wound on her abdomen or the eye she was now hiding under tape. Caitlyn smiled as if everything was fine, so maybe it was. Still, Vi couldn't help but notice the subtle worry that crept across her face.

Vi froze. "Are you... okay?"

Caitlyn blinked, clearly taken aback by the question. "Of course," she smiled and paused. Vi still found it hard to believe she was telling the truth, but luckily Caitlyn continued. "I just... want you to enjoy today. It's important to me."

Vi forced a smile. "I will."

Vi wasn't mourning anymore. Not even a little bit, actually. She just spent too much time in her own head, too much time stuck in the past, but that was to be expected. Everyone told her it was time to move on, so she was trying. And she could enjoy this day because Caitlyn cared about it for some reason, and Vi cared about Caitlyn.

The train stopped shortly after. The journey wasn't particularly long, just as Caitlyn had said. When they got off at the sunny station, the glittering towers of Piltover were still in sight. The cold air stung her face, and Vi was grateful for the warm jacket she was wearing. On one side of the small station stretched a moor, and on the other side... On the other side, beyond the beaches, stretched the sea in its seemingly endless expanse. Its color alone was cold, reflecting the color of the sky, blue alternating with uncompromising gray.

It was beautiful. Vi's breath caught at the sight. When she turned to Caitlyn, she couldn't help but smile amusedly when she saw the enchanted look on Caitlyn's face. They were both wrapped in thick coats and wearing sturdy, shapeless boots, but even the cold that circulated around the coast couldn't take away their joy at that moment.

Apart from one family, they were the only ones who had gotten off the train. The beach was all theirs. Vi intertwined her fingers with Caitlyn's and let the other woman lead her forward.

It was considerably windier here than in the city. This was probably due to the large open space where nothing blocked the wind, which turned Vi's cheeks red with its coldness. They trampled their footprints into the frozen sand, and Vi tried, at least for a moment, to occupy her mind with something other than thoughts of her. There were so many beautiful things she could think about right now. Like how the cold sea stretched out before her almost like open arms, welcoming her home. Or that she was here with Caitlyn and that she was genuinely happy with Caitlyn, so she shouldn't be thinking about things that always brought her down.

Caitlyn gave her a worrying glance, and Vi looked back at her. It was an unspoken game between them. Vi checked every few minutes to make sure Caitlyn was okay, that she was breathing, that she wasn't in pain, and that she was alive. Vi didn't know exactly what Caitlyn meant by her glances, but it wasn't hard to guess. The fact that Vi wasn't doing well, especially in the weeks after the war, wasn't something she was very good at hiding.

Vi wrinkled her nose. "What?"

Caitlyn shrugged. "Nothing," she turned back around and breathed in the fresh air. "It's nice to be here. The last time I was here, I was a little girl," she changed the subject.

Vi could imagine it. Caitlyn as an eight-year-old in her fluffy dresses and fancy swimsuit. "God. Your dad was definitely one of those parents who tried to teach you to swim until you both ended up in tears, right? I can totally picture it."

(Tobias was a rather sensitive person. Not that he was particularly open with Vi, because things were still a little awkward between them, but Vi could see it anyway. In the way he worried about Caitlyn, how much time he spent on something as silly as finding a card game Caitlyn liked when she was little just so he could play it with her when she was confined to her bed, unable to move. He was a man who cared about everything. A lot.)

Caitlyn snorted. "For your information, my father doesn’t like water much. And I never really liked swimming, so I spent most of my time looking for bugs in the grass."

Vi chuckled and looked at the now withered grass.

"But my mother liked swimming." Vi didn't miss the way Caitlyn's voice suddenly became serious. "We used to come here on weekends. Mainly to get away from the city for a while and clear our heads. And as soon as winter was over and the weather cleared up a bit, my mother would start swimming. Sometimes even in February or March."

The sea stretched out before their eyes, unwelcoming. Vi couldn't imagine voluntarily going into it now. "Did you ever go swimming with her? In the winter?"

Caitlyn laughed briefly and looked at Vi, almost embarrassed. "Only once. I was about five. But the cold water gave me cramps in my legs, and I started crying so much that my father had to go into the water and bring me back to shore."

Vi grinned. "Oh, so you always were a drama queen. Even then."

Caitlyn snorted, half offended, half amused. “Excuse me. Have you ever stepped into water so cold that your muscles tightened?”

“Well, actually, yes,” Vi raised one eyebrow smugly. “You know, I don't want to burst your little bubble, but in Stillwater, they never bothered much with heating the water. Try an ice cold shower every week, and then we can talk about cramps.”

Vi knew it was a mistake to bring it up when she saw the look on Caitlyn's face.

“Vi-”

“When did you guys stop coming here?” she interrupted quickly before Caitlyn could ask anything.

Caitlyn frowned, and for a moment it looked like she was considering starting that conversation anyway, but then she just sighed. Vi was secretly relieved.

“I don't even know why we stopped. I guess- I guess my mum was too busy with the council? I don't remember. We just started going less and less, and then we stopped altogether.”

Silence hung over them for a moment until Vi broke it. “We’re here now.”

Caitlyn smiled slightly. “That's true.”

Vi wasn't entirely sure where Caitlyn was leading her, because it seemed as if the beach stretched along the coast for almost forever, and they had already passed many empty benches along the way.

Finally, however, Caitlyn began to cross the beach, all the way to the wooden pier, which now sat empty in the middle of the beach. Vi couldn't imagine what it must look like here in the summer. With beaches crowded with people, piers full of stalls and vendors. Now the place seemed dead.

Caitlyn turned to Vi, almost shyly. “I always liked it here.” With her hand still intertwined with Vi's, she led her to the end of the pier, to the metal railing, from which the cheap black paint was slowly peeling off. She pulled a warm blanket from the bag slung over her shoulder, spread it on the ground, and sat down with an elegance that others lacked.

She looked at Vi expectantly. “Are you okay with this? Or do you want to go somewhere else?”

Vi grinned and kissed Caitlyn on the forehead before sitting down on the blanket next to her. “Look at you. All nervous,” she teased.

Caitlyn rolled her eyes and pulled two thermoses out of her backpack. “I know it's pretty cold, so I brought coffee for you and tea for me.”

Vi took her gloves off and accepted the hot thermos, resting it on her lap.

“Thanks.”

She was nervous that Caitlyn had obviously put so much effort into today, and Vi still had no idea on what occasion. She felt incredibly selfish because of it, but at the moment, she was having such a good time that she could ignore it.

She adjusted her scarf around her neck to make it more windproof. She smiled when she noticed Caitlyn's hair flying uncontrollably around her face. Vi reached out and tucked the long, shiny hair behind her scarf. She knew how difficult it was for Caitlyn to have limited vision as it was, and hair in her face would certainly not add to her experience.

Caitlyn smiled at the gesture and took Vi's hands in hers. Then she leaned in and whispered, “Happy birthday, Vi,” before pressing the lightest kiss on her lips.

Vi froze.

Despite the winter cold all around them, she felt sweat break out on her skin and panic wash over her.

"Vi?" Caitlyn stopped immediately and looked at Vi with a panicked expression. Her eyes searched her face for any clues as to what was wrong with Vi. "Vi, I... Did I do something wrong? Did you want to celebrate your birthday differently?"

That word again. Birthday.

Vi had forgotten. She had forgotten her own birthday, the day she was born, all sixteen birthdays she had celebrated on this very day.

She closed her eyes and shook her head. "No, I'm sorry, I just..." She paused, her breath catching in her throat. She looked at Caitlyn. "I didn't realize. That it was my birthday today, I guess I..." Forgot? Didn't know? Let it slip my mind? The words sounded wrong, and using them almost made it sound like there was something wrong with Vi.

“You didn’t know it was your birthday?” Caitlyn asked this time quietly.

Vi was suddenly overly conscious of her surroundings. The view of the cold sea, the picnic blankets, the hot thermoses leaning against her leg, Caitlyn's constant questions about whether she was happy with the plan. God, how could Vi have forgotten? How could she not have realized?

"How did you know?" she turned to Caitlyn and clasped her hands with an almost frightening obsession. Caitlyn's gaze combined confusion with something that dangerously resembled pity, and if Vi hated anything, it was pity. "How did you find out when my birthday is?"

Caitlyn seemed torn between caution and the desire to answer Vi as quickly as possible. "I... I found it in your file. The one I got when I got you out of Stillwater."

It was strange that her date of birth was also in that file. Until now, Vi had thought her file was completely empty. Sometimes, on difficult evenings, that knowledge made her feel safe.

Vi was now thinking about unimportant things. She shouldn't be focusing on that right now, right? She just had to remember where she was, who she was with, and that it wasn't anything serious. She had just forgotten her birthday.

She kept her fingers clasped around Caitlyn's palm, as if it were her only connection to the real world. She took a deep breath and tried to shake off all the incomprehensible weight that had fallen on her. "I know when my birthday is," she said firmly, never taking her eyes off Caitlyn's. It was important that Caitlyn understood that Vi was speaking with complete sincerity. "I know it in theory – If someone asked me, I'd say December 19."

Caitlyn didn't try to interrupt her. Her face twisted into a worried grimace, but she squeezed Vi's hand in a gesture of understanding.

"And I know that today is the 19th," Vi continued, still not looking away from Caitlyn's face. "I know that. It's just hard for me to connect the fact that December 19 is my birthday and that today is December 19, and therefore it's my birthday. I'm not- I'm not crazy. And I'm not going senile," she added, a poor attempt at a joke to lighten the mood, but Caitlyn didn't laugh.

"Vi-."

Vi didn't let her finish. "Seriously, it's nothing to worry about. It's not the result of any disorder or anything." She heard her own words. She could hear them sounding like pathetic excuses. If she were the listener, she wouldn't believe herself.

"I haven't celebrated my birthday in a few years," she didn't know why she felt such a strong need to defend herself to Caitlyn. To explain something as trivial as missing her own birthday. "The first few weeks, I tried to keep track of time, you know? I counted down the days just so I wouldn't feel so completely incompetent, so utterly helpless."

Caitlyn visibly swallowed. "You mean in..."

"Stillwater," Vi finished for her, and Caitlyn's expression darkened. "But then they put me in solitary for the first time, and then again and again, and suddenly time stopped making sense, because some days felt like hours and some minutes dragged on like weeks. I didn't realize I'd missed my birthday until weeks after it had passed. So I just let it go. It was easier not to focus on something like that, to pretend it didn't matter and that days were just days and didn't have to mean anything. That way, I didn't have to feel guilty on Powder's birthday, on the anniversary of my parents' death, on that fucking night when everything went to shit. I pushed my birthday out of my head for more than seven years. I didn't realize I was doing it- even now."

"Oh, Vi," Caitlyn cupped Vi's cheeks. She looked sad. That was the last thing Vi wanted to do today: make Caitlyn sad. "I'm so sorry. I know I have no right to, that it's only yours to have, but it always makes me so angry. That awful place that stole your youth and your family. I hate it. I hate it so much."

Vi huffed. "Yeah. Me too."

"I'm so sorry about today," Caitlyn took a sharp breath, guilt written in her face. "I should have reminded you, or at least discussed it with you beforehand, I should have thought of that. I- God! I can't believe I planned this without making sure you even knew what it was about. I'm such an idiot."

Vi shook her head and smiled despite the weight on her chest. "Are you kidding me? This-" she gestured around her. "This is wonderful. And I’m not saying just like that, I mean it, Cait. It’s my fault, I didn’t know it was my birthday. Not something I would ever blame you for," She couldn't bring herself to say another word, her throat tightening with every passing second.

In the next moment, Caitlyn quickly pulled her into her arms. Vi felt her firm grip, the way she held her tightly against her own body.

She felt so incredibly small. She wished she could hide under Caitlyn's coat and never come out again.

"I don't really know why I forgot about them," Vi whispered into Caitlyn's hair. "Maybe everything I just told you was just an excuse so you wouldn't realize how wrong everything is with me."

Caitlyn pulled her even closer. "I'm not going anywhere. And nothing you could say or do would change that," her voice was quiet but firm in its melody.

The worst part was that Vi believed her.

"Tell me about your last birthday," Caitlyn whispered. "The last birthday you really celebrated."

It was strange to realize that she had celebrated her last birthday and not even known it.

Vi closed her eyes. "I was sixteen. Vander baked a butter cake. He did that for each of our birthdays. It was really good, no one would have guessed, but he was good at baking cakes. He even decorated them really nicely. I think I was boxing that morning, and when I came back to the bar, we ate the cake. It wasn't just Vander, the boys, and Powder, but Benzo and Ekko had come too."

A cold wind continued to blow around her face, humming familiarly in her ears. But Caitlyn's body kept her warm.

"And then?"

"I got new gloves from Vander. He had to get them with Benzo's help because he couldn't do it on his own. Claggor gave me a book, I think it was A Strange Day for a Bone Thief, I’m not sure what happened to that copy. Mylo gave me a watch he stole from some Piltie, and Powder built me an alarm clock. It didn't work very well."

"That sounds nice."

"It was nice," Vi said, ignoring the emotion seeping into her voice. "And how long has it been? Seven years? I almost forgot about that day."

Caitlyn pulled away from her face and smiled slightly. "Actually, eight. You're twenty-four today."

Twenty-four. Janna.

Vi snorted. "Oh, great. So now I can't even keep track of how many years have passed."

"I'll remind you if I have to," Caitlyn said with all seriousness, and Vi's heart melted at those words. "I'll count the days for you and keep every year that's passed in my head. I promise."

"I-," Vi's breath hitched. "I'm worried something broke inside me. Maybe it was Stillwater, maybe all that happened with Po- my sister." She looked at Caitlyn. "I don't want to be a burden, Cait. But I feel like I am. I'm holding you back from living your life and slowing you down. That's not what you signed for, it's not something you deserve."

"Oh, but I could never-."

"I'm not telling you to receive some reassurance or whatever," Vi quickly interrupted her. "I just- I really don't want to fuck up your life."

For a moment, silence fell between them. Vi focused on the wind ruffling her hair, on her nose slowly freezing. She focused on the relief that washed over her, on how she had finally gotten those words out.

Long fingers suddenly gripped her palm tightly, and Vi looked up. Caitlyn looked at her with a certain determination that was hard to define, her eye cautiously scanning Vi. "I want you," she squeezed Vi's hand again as if to confirm her words. "How could you ever be a burden?"

Vi sighed. "Cait, you don't have to pretend in front of me. I notice how you're always checking up on me, how you're always scared. I can see you worrying about all those psychologists."

Vi pressed the hot thermos closer to her body and just felt its warmth for a moment. She smiled awkwardly before burying her gaze in the ground. She looked at her fingers intertwined with Caitlyn's. "Can I tell you something? But you have to promise not to tell Caitlyn."

Vi liked the energy between them. The easy transitions from heavy topics to light ones, how everything was actually easier with Caitlyn.

Caitlyn smiled affectionately, little amused. "Okay, I promise I won't say anything to her."

"She's horrible at keeping secrets."

"Oh, she's the worst. She would tell that secret to anyone who asks for it. She cannot be trusted."

Vi's mouth twitched, but then she grew serious. She ran her thumb over the back of Caitlyn's hand and counted every single beat of her heart, right now beating just for Caitlyn. "I love you too."

***

As they drove back to town, Vi realized that these had been some of the most beautiful days she had experienced in recent years. She was pleasantly chilled, her ears red from the wind, but her chest was filled with a calmness she hadn't felt in a long time.

"I've been thinking," Caitlyn said as she placed the bag with the blanket, and all the gifts she had given Vi on the empty seat.

Vi raised her eyebrows. "About what?"

Caitlyn threw off her coat and sat down opposite Vi. "I know you don't like the mansion very much."

Vi shook her head. "Cait, that's the least of my problems. You don't have to worry about that."

"I found a house for sale," Caitlyn interrupted her. "It's not far from bathysphere and, of course, much smaller than where we live now. But- well, I thought it might be worth at least taking a look. If you agree, that is."

Vi wondered if her dislike of the cold, empty mansion was that obvious. If Caitlyn had noticed every time Vi looked over her shoulder during dinner in the great hall, as if some danger were waiting for her in the shadows, and if she had found her hiding place in the closet when the house suddenly seemed too big.

"Cait," Vi rasped. "I don't mind living in the mansion, you know that-."

"But would you like to live in something smaller?" Caitlyn asked. "Because I would."

Vi opened her mouth, but she wasn't sure what she wanted to say. She tried to imagine it. A house in Piltover, just a few minutes' walk from Zaun, from Ekko, and from the place that had been her home for so many years. They could have a small front garden where Vi could grow herbs (because gardening had always fascinated her as a concept), and the number of rooms in the house would not exceed ten. Vi imagined a house where they could live quietly and grow old and drink tea in the morning and wine in the evening.

Caitlyn smiled. "I can arrange a viewing for next week."

When Vi picked up her notebook again that evening, she was pleasantly tired.

Sometimes I try to be angry with you. Mainly so I can turn this hollow pain into something else. Mad at you for dying instead of me, mad that you never gave Cait a chance to see how good she is. Mad at you for never being a part of this new, unknown life of mine.

But then I realize that I can't be angry with you. That whatever you did, I will always understand. I could never really blame you for anything.

Say hello to Mom and Dad for me, if you're there with them. Tell Isha I'm sorry we never got to know each other better, and keep an eye on Vander. I hope he's calmer now that he's finally with you and Mylo and Claggor.

Tell them all I miss them. And tell them they don't need to worry.

I'm happy. And I’m okay.