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Stanford Pines is terrified. He shouldn't be, the apocalypse was over, Bill was dead, and everyone seemed to be okay. Ford should be happy. Ecstatic even. He should be celebrating, jumping with joy, dancing, singing, whatever it is that normal and well-adjusted people do when the world finally feels at peace.
Except it didn't feel like that because Stanley was nowhere to be found. He could handle himself, Ford knew, but not like this. Not alone, not right now, not when he may not even be Stan anymore. There is no telling what he will remember, or even if he will remember anything at all because... Because Ford wasn't good enough. Ford failed. Ford wiped his brother's memory clean, and he didn't know if he could ever live with the guilt.
"Other Mr. Pines?" Ford flinches, caught off guard by the quiet mumble. The mole man – Zeus, was it? – shuffles closer, face twisted into an expression of concern. Behind him, the Corduroy girl whispers something to a solemn Dipper, while his sister clutches dejectedly at the hem of her pink sweater. The redhead smiles at them, and Ford guesses that she's trying to be comforting. It ends up looking more desperate than anything.
"Yes?" His voice sounds rough and shaky no matter how hard he tries to force himself to stay calm. Ford doesn't know what's worse, Mabel's tear-stained cheeks or the way Dipper hides his eyes under the bill of his cap. Maybe it's the fact that Stan is out there, lost and confused and probably scared out of his mind because he doesn't even know his own name anymore. Ford doesn't like thinking about that.
"Where's, um... Where..." Zeus tries to speak but his lip trembles so hard that he can't seem to finish his thought. "Where did Stan go?" The Corduroy girl finishes instead, animosity clear in the tone of her voice. She never did seem to like him, but perhaps this time he deserves the hostility. He certainly feels like he does.
"I do not know."
"Convenient." The girl squints at him and huffs, though her face softens when Dipper whispers something that sounds like "windy." Or perhaps Wendy? Is that her name?
"I'm sorry." He is. He is so incredibly sorry. Sorry enough for Wendy (?) to notice. She sighs and closes her eyes for a short moment before gently pushing the twins towards Zeus. Mabel sniffles as she clings to a hand the man offers, barely glancing at Dipper who grabs at the sleeve of her sweater. The redhead – presumably Wendy – shuffles away, muddy boots thudding softly against the dry dirt. For a few minutes, it's quiet.
"Hey! Everybody, listen up!" Wendy's voice cuts through the silence, still loud and sharp despite the girl being long out of sight. She's saying something, but Ford can't quite make out what it is. His ears are ringing all over again, and he feels like he's about to throw up. In the distance, people cheer, and clap, and whistle, but that doesn't last long either. Soon, the sound shifts to wandering footsteps, as people start to walk around them, splitting off into groups and looking around in a way that seemed almost frantic.
"Wendy?" Ford barely manages to stop himself from flinching at the quiet defeat in Dipper's voice. The redhead pops back into view, wearing a small, exhausted smile. So her name is Wendy, after all.
"They agreed to help look for Stan. C'mon, let's get going." She ushers Zeus away, and the kids follow with a newly restored hope in their eyes. Ford wishes he could feel the same way, but there is that weird feeling in his gut that usually doesn't mean anything good. He follows the group, though, because, one way or another, they do need to find Stan. Ford will just have to ignore the terrible knot of anxiety tightening in his chest for a little while. Perhaps it will go away on its own in due time.
***
It doesn't. The horrible sense of something stays there for hours as they search, making a home deep behind his ribs like a bird weaving a nest in the branches of a rotten pine. It seems so wrong to feel this way, when the skies are blue again and the sun is shining so beautifully through the leaves, but it's not like he can help it. The knot keeps growing, filling the space in his stomach and crawling up his throat until he's pretty sure he can't speak anymore.
Though it probably doesn't matter. The conversation in front of him goes on and on, but the words don't process like they should. It's just a blur, a mass of words that pulses in his skull but refuses to settle. It almost hurts, the way the thoughts swirl and clash in his mind, but perhaps he deserves it...
...Ah, screw that, he definitely deserves it. The least he deserves, even. He deserves far worse than a little headache.
"Hey, what's that?" Wendy's voice rings through the air, pulling the twins out of whatever conversation they were having. They run towards it, Zeus close on their heels, but Ford is reluctant to follow. The feeling in his stomach rolls, shifts into something different. It pulls him away, away from the family he has just gotten back, and towards the spot where the trees start to thin into a clearing.
In all fairness, it's a beautiful place, a sanctuary hidden by the looming shadows of the anomalous forest. The light makes everything shine a pretty shade of gold, and isn't that something? It almost doesn't make Ford think of Bill. There is a rustle in the bushes to his left, and he is about half sure that he saw a pointy little hat shuffle into the dark leaves. Blades of grass sway in the soft summer breeze, only disturbed by stones, logs, and... Something else.
Someone else.
Someone in a long coat, and red sweater, and cracked glasses falling off the edge of his unfortunate nose.
Fuck.
Ford runs. He runs faster than he thought he could despite the years he spent fighting for his life in countless foreign worlds. He falls to his knees next to his brother's slumped form, pants scraping against the dusty ground. Searching for a pulse feels like looking for a miracle that never comes. The body – because, Moses, that's exactly what it is – is still warm, skin heated by the late August sun. Ford can barely move, barely breathe, barely think. Everything hurts, and he's suddenly so terribly exhausted that he world starts to melt away into a black abyss.
"Grunkle Ford, you won't believe what we just found! There's totally a Bill-shaped rock out there! You gotta go check it out!" Perfect. Just when he thought it couldn't get any worse. What is he supposed to tell the kids? Or Zeus who was weirdly attached to his brother for whatever reason? Or even Wendy for that matter? Oh, he can't. He can't do that right now. In the midst of his misery he can only pull his brother into his arms and fight against the tears building up behind his eyelids. "Grunkle Ford?"
"Yes, my dear?" His voice shakes, but he doesn't really care anymore. Something glints in the corner of his eye. It kind of looks like a vial.
"What happened to Grunkle Stan?"