Chapter Text
The noise of the bullfrog-cicadas filled the late summer evening. The buzzing sound was the usual background music of the hot Fire Nation summers and this beautiful evening wasn’t an exception. For Azula, this music was linked with mixed feelings. On the one hand it was a sound which meant long evenings spent in the Royal Gardens or at the training ground. It meant scrumping mochi from the kitchen with Mai and Ty Lee and feasting them at a quiet place somewhere at a pond. It was the sound, which was linked with so many sound and carefree moments. On the other hand it was a sound which was able to make her head buzz and ache some day. The sound which once has underlined the merciless hours of training with her father. It was the sound which had underlined and amplified the lectures of her mother, when she had emphasized her disappointment. For Azula, it was the sound, which meant home.
Today was no exception to Azula and yet it was quite different to her old experiences. The past years have brought so many new memories linked with this sound. Good ones and difficult ones. Good ones, like being home again after all these dark years, like finding her place within the family, seeing Zuko growing into his role as Fire Lord, like being back at his side as a trusted adviser and sister or seeing his children growing up as their beloved aunt.
And Sokka.
They have spent countless walks through the gardens after he had brought her back home. He has trusted her when no one else did, has helped her to uncover the plot against her brother which was planned by Long Feng as an act of his personal vendetta against the Royal Family and Azula in particular. He has used these walks to cheer her up, when she felt down, to give useful hints and opinions of how to regain trust of the others, he has supported her idea, cheered for her whenever she has made another small step back into her family again. The Ambassador has talked with her about their strategies to navigate through the life here at the Palace and the duties which used to throw them into the snake pit of politics and nobility. The man has made her laugh, whenever she needed it, he has driven her raging mad to have a good laughter whenever he needed it, but the walk which she’ll never forget was the one when he had given her the proposal necklace.
It had been the best day in her life.
This alone was enough to give her the strength and confidence to master the difficulties too, which were linked with these summer evening walks. Like the fact that she could always meet someone who has seen her at her lowest point. The tension of such moments, which still lingered under the surface even after all these years.
Still this tension used to pass by like a little cloud before the sun on a stormy day. The shadow disappeared as soon as Azula or the person left the scenery. The evening walks with her mother were a different thing.
It was one thing to forgive each other, to admit that terrible things have been said and done between them, but it was a totally different thing to forget it or to leave all of this behind. It has been Sokka, who had pointed out one day to Azula, that she and Ursa are far too similar to find an easy way out of this. Back then she had been really mad with him for this comparison, but unfortunately he had been on point. Both of them had a strong will and incredibly stubborn, both either block out emotions or snap when they feel that someone was able to pierce their guards and both also know to hit the weak spots of an opponent.
Ursa had been the one who had constantly reached out to her. Her mother had admitted her mistakes and she had tried everything to become a part of Azula’s life again, but for the longest time, Azula had blocked it out, until Sokka had arranged a walk with her mother about a month after his proposal. He had understood that a huge part of her refusal to talk things out with Ursa has been rooted in her own pride. Her mother had always struggled to understand her and she had the worst ways of letting her feel her disappointment or of addressing her critique when she did something wrong. The irony was that Ursa hasn’t been much different in this aspect than Ozai has been, she only has used different methods. The fact, which made that talk so hard has been the bitter truth, that no matter how wrong her ways of treatment have been, her mother still had been right about so many things.
It has been a long and exhausting talk with her mother, but it has helped both to understand each other a bit better. From that day on they had these walks once at every week whenever both were at the Palace and Ursa has never skipped a single one of them in the past ten years, like she had promised back at this summer evening, where the bullfrog-cicadas have filled the hot air with their buzzing noises.
Truth to be told, Azula wouldn’t have mind, if Ursa would have skipped their walk this week. The Princess walked beside her mother, who led their steps down to the turtleduck pond. Ursa was telling Azula about the last letter she had gained from Kiyi, but the Firebender wasn’t really paying attention. She didn’t feel well today. In fact she wasn’t feeling well for almost two weeks by now, struggling with tiredness, headaches and lately some abdominal pains and dizziness. It wasn’t something which worried Azula, but it was annoying and the noise of the cicadas managed to amplify the lingering headache to a slightly sickening pulse behind her forehead.
It looked like Ursa seemed to notice, because she had stopped walking and was looking at Azula with a concerned look on her face, “Dear, are you alright? You don't look so good.”
“I'm fine, mother. It's just a headache.”
Ursa remained skeptical, “A headache, and….?”
Azula sighed, annoyed, “And sometimes I feel dizzy, or tired, and I get some pain in my stomach. I'm sure that it's nothing to worry about, though.”
“That doesn't sound like nothing, Azula. Perhaps you should go see the royal physician? Just to make sure that it's nothing serious.”
She should have known that her mother would suggest that. Sokka, Suki, Zuko, Mai, and Ty Lee had all said the same thing. But she was fine. There was nothing to worry about. It was more than likely something that she ate not agreeing with her and nothing more.
“I don't need to see the royal physician, why does everyone keep saying that? Like I said, I'm fine. Stop worrying about me.”
Ursa wanted to say that she would always worry about her because she was her daughter and she loved her, but decided not to say anything, unsure of how Azula would react to hearing it. She hated this. Hated how her relationship with Azula was so strained to the point of not even being able to say ‘I love you’ because she didn't want to risk upsetting Azula. She wished that there was something more that she could do, but for now these little walks would have to be enough. Walks that she very much enjoyed having with her daughter. It was a lot better than what the relationship between them was like before, which was pretty much non-existent. Looking at her daughter once more, she decided to change the subject, hoping to make Azula feel better.
“Do you remember the day you and Sokka got married? I was just thinking about how beautiful you looked.”
“Of course I remember it, I was there. How could I forget the day I got married?”
Ursa wanted to slap herself. What kind of stupid question was that?
“Sorry, I… I only meant…”
Azula grimaced: had she been too abrasive? This physical discomfort was taking a toll on her good sense. While she knew the distance between herself and her mother was not as bad as it once had been, there was work to be done still… the last thing she wanted to do was push her away.
“I’m sorry. I… I don’t know. Must be the headache,” Azula said. Ursa smiled, shaking her head.
“Don’t be. I just… it was a beautiful day,” she said. Azula nodded. “You two have been happy together, haven’t you? As you deserve to be.”
“Thank you,” Azula said, glancing at her mother with uncertainty. The arms she kept folded over her torso relaxed slightly then. “Did… did you worry that it might not work, between us? I mean, I’m hardly the easiest person to be with, and I don’t need to be told as much. Sokka’s about as stubborn as I am, so…”
“Why… no, I didn’t actually worry about that,” Ursa said. Azula glanced at her in surprise. “I didn’t worry, altogether. I never expected that you would choose to marry a man you weren’t completely committed to, and well, you’re a princess, dear. You don’t settle.”
“I certainly didn’t.”
“Thus, I knew you’d found a man who was worthy of you. I trusted your judgment and I haven’t been led to think I was wrong to do so.”
Azula smiled a little. It was odd to feel that bubbling sense of approval and relief surging in her chest at the same time as the irritating symptoms of whatever strain of disease she had caught recently. Even so, she cherished her mother’s last confession. Perhaps that was as good as it would get for them today, though Azula hoped otherwise, but the distance between them felt a little shorter now, after knowing her mother believed she would make the right choices for herself and the man she loved.
Ursa breathed out in relief: crisis averted. But it seemed unlikely that Azula would want to continue discussing her marriage, even if she seemed more content now. Time for another subject change. She thought for a moment before an idea came to her mind. Perhaps talking about Zuko would be fine. After all, the relationship between the two of them was much better than what it was years ago.
“I just realized something.”
“And what might that be?”
“Your brother's children aren't getting any younger. I miss when they were little kids, getting to play with them and hearing their laughter all throughout the palace. They reminded me of you and Zuko playing back when you two were real little.”
“Oh. Is that so?” Azula tensed up, her back straightening as it ever seemed to when her mother spoke of anything that suggested that she wasn’t good enough… a habit from her childhood. Whether learned to appease her father, or her mother, it was something Azula hadn’t shaken off to this day.
“Yes. Truthfully, you never realize how much you miss little kids until they grow up too much and suddenly you can’t even carry them anymore. Can you imagine if I tried to hoist you up now?”
“Heh. I’d probably have more success carrying you at this point…” Azula said, with a slight smirk. Ursa chuckled. “At least, when I’m not feeling sick, that is.”
“Oh, of course, and… don’t do it anyway. You know what they say. Carrying heavy weights will stop you from growing any taller.”
“I’m pretty sure I locked in my height a long time ago, Mother,” Azula said. Ursa chuckled.
“Either way, those days when I could hold you and your brother, when you were so much smaller, are memories I will always treasure. I’m sure your brother will feel the same way about his children too.”
Her brother would… of course, because Zuko had succeeded where Azula failed, particularly in the matters that were most important. He was Fire Lord, she was not… he had children, she did not. But was Ursa trying to say something deeper to her through this conversation? About how she wished her and Sokka would have children?
It's not as if they hadn't tried. They both agreed that they wanted to have a family together. Unfortunately they weren't lucky in that department, and decided to stop trying actively. Was this her way of saying that she was disappointed in her?
“No doubt he will,” Azula said, her voice marked with bitterness that slipped past before she could realize it.
“Is something wrong?”
Was something wrong? Something beyond the obvious, besides the physical…? Azula couldn’t even look her mother in the eye, not right now, not when she didn’t know what she would say, or how she would react if Azula blew up here and now. She didn’t want to do that anyway. She might be overreacting. She might be overthinking it.
But maybe her mother truly did want Azula to provide grandchildren and, for whatever reason, it was beyond her possibilities to do so.
The thought made Azula both sad and angry. Her eyes remained affixed on the grass before them: she needed to get away from her mother before she said or did anything she’d regret later.
“I’m sorry, Mother. I've enjoyed this talk, but I think I need to go back inside and rest. I'm starting to feel worse. Good evening.” Azula said, with her best practiced neutral tone, the one she would use to speak with nobility in order to hide what she was thinking or feeling. A tone she had long-ago learned from her mother.
Ursa detected the change at once. She knew it by heart. She also knew that she couldn’t do anything to get through to Azula once the walls had been erected once more: she had blown her chances here, and now Azula was walking back into the palace without sparing her mother another glance.
Ursa looked at her daughter's retreating back with concern. Had she said something wrong? Ursa wanted to follow her daughter, but decided not to. She had a feeling that the conversation wouldn't go so well. What exactly had been her mistake? Why would Azula feel any need to brush her off now, when the mood between them had been so relaxed mere moments ago? Was it truly only because of her sickness…? Perhaps Ursa would do best to believe that.
She really hoped that Azula would visit the royal physician. Azula was certain that it was nothing to worry about, but Ursa wasn't so sure about that. Headaches, dizziness, pain near her stomach….
She frowned: only upon reflecting on the symptoms now did she realize that the ailments that plagued Azula sounded very familiar to Ursa.