Work Text:
Yashiki blinked, a lifeless head looking back at him. He had most of the day painting dolls, though he wasn't sure how long exactly. It was a peaceful distraction from everything going on, even if it brought up some bad memories. It was an almost mindless task, something he didn't have to think much about. Repetitive to a mind numbing extent, exactly what he needed at the moment.
Yashiki was sure this wasn't the healthiest route to take, but it was the route he picked. If he sat in silence in the mansion for too long, doing nothing, the memories would come flooding back to him. Memories of a childhood that didn't feel like his, of a family so distant you wondered if you could even call them that, and a sister who was never coming back.
Yashiki wanted to remember as little as possible, to avoid it for as long as he could. To remember it was to have to confront it, and he wasn't sure he was ready to do that. Even just another moment free from the past, free from before the mark, free from the expectation of being the Kujou heir, free from everything that happened, it made him feel much safer, more sane.
Sometimes, he wondered if the other mark bearers were in a similar situation. Of course, he would never ask — that would be rude — but he could always wonder. Was he the only one to not get all of their memories back? Was he the only one to constantly struggle to remember the last week?
He had once asked Daimon what could cause amnesia in a person and Daimon listed a variety of causes. All Yashiki was really trying to do was figure out if something else might be causing his issue, something he could try to fix. Daimon mentioned something that stood out though. The suppression of emotions has been found to have a potential link to memory issues, though it is still being studied. While not expressly amnesia, it was still a thing that could cause memory issues.
Yashiki frequently thought back to that conversation, even when he didn't need to. He had found an old diary Masamune kept the day before. He only read one page, unsure at the time if he wanted to know more, but that page discussed the memory issues Masamune had. Masamune noted in that first entry that his childhood was a blur, that he couldn't pick out most major events anymore. That even remembering what happened the day before was a challenge he didn't like facing. It is one of the few — if one of the only — things Yashiki felt like him and Masamune had in common.
Looking back to the doll in his hand, Yashiki wondered if he should do something else. He had been painting for hours and his arms were starting to strain. To do something else though, he would have to get up, this room only had doll making things. He could try his hand at sewing, there was a sewing machine in the room for making clothes for the dolls. He would still have to get up but it wasn't as far of a walk. The issue is that he wasn't sure he knew how to sew, nor did he really feel like learning if he didn't. Carving the accessories for a doll wouldn't mean anything without an outfit for it, so that was something he didn't want to do either. Everything else meant having to get up.
He knew that most people don't struggle to get back up after having sat down, but he found it incredible difficult none the less. It never felt like standing was worth it and it only ever hurt to do so. If he stood up too fast, everything would get blurry and it would feel like his heart was beating out of his chest. Lifting his arm to do almost anything some days made him absolutely exhausted. He was sure he was just tired, but it didn't seem to fix itself no matter how much he slept.
Yashiki knew he should probably ask Daimon about it but the two never really saw each other. It wasn't as if they hadn't tried, Daimon was just too busy. Yahiki's inability to learn how to use a phone wasn't making things easier either. As much as he would love to ask, that would have to be a task for the future. Most likely a future where he could use a phone correctly.
Finally deciding to go do something else, Yashiki stood up, steadying himself on the desk as to not fall. Everything blurred for a moment and then his vision slowly returned to normal. He stood still for another second or two, waiting for his heart rate to go back down. Somedays, it took longer then others, other days it took no time at all. Today it was taking a moment and it felt like he was getting weighed more and more down every moment he spent standing. He really should ask Daimon about it sooner rather then later.
Slowly taking steps to the door, Yashiki wondered what he could do for the rest of the day. He could use some time outside, but there was nothing to do or see. He could take a book and read something, but he was worried reading might trigger the memories to start flooding back if it happened to be a book he read before. He didn't particularly want to go back to sleep, that wouldn't be the most productive thing to do regardless.
As Yashiki reached the door, it dawned on him he hasn't eaten since he woke up. Guess that's what he is doing next, he can't exactly keep pushing it on empty. Sure, standing at the stove took a lot out of him but he surely had something he could just throw in the microwave. Though, that is under the assumption that he's gone shopping recently for food and he's not quite sure he has.
He'll just have to try his luck, he can't go out to get anything right now. He'll just do it tomorrow, ignoring that that might be what he said to himself last week. Regardless, he started making his way down the stairs, taking each step with steady care as to not fall. He was going to need some sleep after this.