Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Often when people ask me how I met Leo, I lie and say it's been so long I don't even remember. "It's almost like we've always grown up together." That's what I answer.

But that's absolutely not true. I remember that day as if it were yesterday. I was sitting on the steps in front of my house, a half-melted ice cream in my hand and scraped knees. I remember crying for endless minutes. I was pretty shy and had a hard time making friends. Despite all my efforts, the kids in the neighborhood didn't want me to play with them. The wounds on my skin came from shoving rather than falling off a bike. The bruises came from balls being kicked a little too hard in my direction while I was reading a book in the park.

I hadn't said anything to my parents. Because I thought that's how friends behaved with each other. It's true that they only acted that way when I was around. But I told myself that maybe this was the only way they could become my friends. Because for the ten-year-old boy I was, abuse hurt less than loneliness.

But that day was the last time I found myself alone. That day, the boys in the neighborhood had let me play soccer with them. Only because nobody wanted to be the goalkeeper. So I immediately put my book down to join them. I stood between two bags that served as goalposts.

But they quickly got mad at me and my incompetence. I couldn't stop the ball. Finally, one of them put his hand on my shoulder before pushing me. I landed with my knees and palms on the asphalt. I got up, trying to hold back my tears. I grabbed my book and left without looking back. I could hear their laughter behind me.

In the end, sobs burst out on the way. So much that an old lady asked me if I was hurt. The dried blood on my knees and hands must have worried her. I quickly shook my head to try to reassure her. But my sobs didn't stop. She brought me with her into a small grocery store. I often came here with my mom. So the shopkeeper, worried to see me in that state, immediately came up to me. She helped me clean my hands and knees, then gave me an ice cream. I thanked her and left.

My tears had stopped flowing, but I was still sniffling. Despite their kindness, I didn't feel better. I couldn't even eat the ice cream. I quickly arrived in front of my building. The neighborhood was quiet since all the kids were still at the park. I sat down on the steps. I didn't have the courage to face my mom and see her worried look. I put my book down next to me. The pages were slightly stained with blood. I didn't even want to read anymore. I just stared at the ants walking in front of me. They were all heading toward the puddle of melted ice cream next to me.

Then a voice echoed in front of me. One I didn't know. It was tinged with an accent I had never heard before. I later learned it was an English accent in his almost perfect Korean.

— You should hurry up and eat your ice cream.

That's the first sentence he ever said to me.

Leo was standing in front of me. A huge smile covered his face. It contrasted drastically with my wet cheeks and eyelashes still heavy with tears. He had a ball under his arm and, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, he asked me if I wanted to play with him.

It was as if all the air in my lungs disappeared at that simple question. I slowly nodded my head. I expected him to push me away quickly like the others, but he didn't. Where I was silent, Leo wouldn't stop talking. And even today, that hasn't changed.

I enjoyed that afternoon, just Leo and me. I loved spending time with him. He was only a year older than me. But most importantly, he didn't make fun of me when I couldn't catch the ball. He laughed with me instead of at me. And I think that's the day I understood what friendship was supposed to look like.

But it didn't last long. The other kids from the neighborhood soon arrived. They all surrounded Leo, intrigued by the newcomer. I quickly realized there was no more room for me. I felt their eyes on me. So I turned around and headed toward the stairs where I had left my book. My hands trembled slightly when I picked it up. I typed the code to open the door. But before I had the chance to step into the lobby, hurried footsteps echoed behind me. I turned to see Leo, out of breath, a few steps below me.

— I just moved into the first floor. And you?

I held my breath at his question. I remember looking around to make sure he was really talking to me. Then, in a trembling voice, I answered that I lived on the third floor. From that day on, Leo knocked on my door every day.

He rang to invite me to play at his place and show me the new video game he had bought, or sometimes he just showed up at my door with tons of manga in his arms to read in my room. I also saw him having fun across the street with the other kids. But I never had enough courage to join them. Maybe, after all, that's just how Leo was. He was simply kind to everyone.

Then one day, he came to get me to play with the others at the park. If he hadn't, nobody would have. I could feel that my presence wasn't appreciated. But it's very hard to say no to Leo. I grabbed a book before following him with my head down. I sat a little further away in the park, watching Leo run around surrounded by the other kids. Sometimes he stopped to wave at me, and when he motioned for me to join them, I pretended not to notice.

Still, his smile never disappeared. But it grew lighter when balls kept flying toward me and when laughter rang out after the ball landed directly on my book.

And without me expecting it, he crossed the improvised soccer field before grabbing my wrist. He pulled me with him. The other kids shouted his name, but he didn't turn back. We walked down the streets leading to our homes. Finally, he stopped in the middle of the road, his fingers slipped between mine, and he dragged me behind him. We walked into the grocery store. He only let go of my hand to grab two ice creams from a big freezer. He handed me a vanilla one, since the chocolate one I had held when we first met had melted in my hand. I guess from that day on, he assumed I didn't like chocolate. I accepted it with a smile.

The shopkeeper looked at us, smiling. It's true that she was only used to seeing me with my mom or by myself.

— Who's this boy with you, Sangwon-ah? It's the first time I've seen him.

Before I even had the chance to open my mouth, Leo answered for me.

— My name's Leo. I'm Sangwon's best friend.

I think that for my ten-year-old self, that was the happiest day of my life. The day Leo became my best friend. After Leo arrived, the loneliness disappeared, as well as the scrapes and bruises on my body.

---

— What are you doing? You look lost in your thoughts.

I jumped before turning my head toward the library entrance. Leo walked toward me, his hands in his pockets as usual. His bag hung on just one of his shoulders. I marked the page before closing my book. Anyway, it's not like I had read anything.

— Kind of.

Leo pulled out the chair in front of me before sitting down. The library was starting to fill up since exams were coming soon, but I was still alone at my table.

— What's bothering you so much that it's keeping you from reading? I've never seen Lee Sangwon without a book in his hand.

I smiled at his remark. Leo's cheerfulness and calm were contagious. I put my book in my bag before looking him in the eyes.

— The year is almost over.

Leo nodded as if it were nothing more than a simple fact. But in my world, it was a fatality. Once the exams were over, things would change, and I didn't know if I could handle it. I didn't know if I could get used to loneliness again. Once Leo left for college.

My voice lacked confidence. It took me a few seconds to finish my sentence, searching for the right words. But if others often complained about it, Leo never did. He was always patient with me, never rushing me. He simply waited with an encouraging smile.

— I know, but it'll be different without you.

His smile grew on his face, as if he was touched by my words.

— You don't need to worry about that. It's just one year, then you'll join me.

It was my turn to nod, even though I was less confident than him. He eventually sighed, amused by my reaction. He got up without saying anything else. I understood it was a sign for me to follow him. I grabbed my bag from the chair next to me before following him. We took the bus to the neighborhood we knew all too well.

We walked in silence, passing the park and then into the grocery store. We stopped and greeted the shopkeeper, who welcomed us just as warmly as she always had, even after all these years. As usual, Leo opened the freezer door to take out a vanilla ice cream and a chocolate one. We knew that if we went somewhere else, we'd have more choices, but these ice creams tasted just like the ones from our childhood.

Leo placed them on the counter. I was about to take out a bill since it was my turn to pay. But Leo stopped me. I frowned in confusion when he handed coins to the shopkeeper. She just rang it up with a laugh.

— It was my turn to pay.

Leo simply ignored my remark, grabbed the ice creams, and left. He didn't forget to say goodbye to the old lady. I hurried to catch up before following him. Once outside, he handed me my cone, already unwrapped.

— Let Hyung treat you this time.

I puffed my cheeks a little, not satisfied with his answer. He just ruffled my hair. Then he bit into his ice cream. My teeth hurt just watching him do that. I savored mine slowly. Then I asked the question I dreaded, because I already knew the answer.

— Why are you giving me an ice cream now?

He turned to look at me. His smile never left his face.

— Think of it as a farewell gift, just in case you don't see me again.

My eyes widened. I swallowed hard. My fingers tightened around the dessert. I heard the cone crack in my hands. I almost couldn't hold his gaze. Finally, he burst out laughing, almost dropping the ice cream he was holding.

Heat spread through me, and my cheeks burned red when I realized he was making fun of me.

— Stop laughing. It's not funny.

He held his side with his free hand. He was almost doubled over in front of me. I was sure people could hear him laughing from inside the grocery store.

— That's because you didn't see your face. It was really hilarious.

I just walked past him without answering. I bumped into him as I passed. I headed toward my house without looking back, both amused and annoyed by his joke.

Maybe to him I was nothing, but to me, he was the most important person in my life. My one and only friend. And this situation affected me much more than I wanted to admit.

— Come on, Sangwon-ah. I was just kidding. Don't be mad at me.

I heard Leo's footsteps behind me. He caught up to me in just a few steps, the advantage of being tall. His left arm slid around my shoulders while he finished eating his ice cream. I wished I had, but I didn't push him away.

— I'm not mad.

That was all I could find to answer him. I felt his body tense, like he wanted to laugh but knew it wasn't the right time.

— Okay, you're not mad, but you're sulking. It's almost the same.

I stopped walking in the middle of the road, forcing him to stop too. I turned to face him. He let go of my shoulders, almost surprised by my reaction. I took a deep breath before speaking.

— It's only one year, then I'll enroll in the same college as you. You'll wait for me, right?

That's what scared me the most, being replaced. I was afraid Leo would forget me, that he'd realize he didn't actually need me. I was terrified at the thought that he'd discover it was so much easier to live without me.

Leo, who still can't manage to keep a straight face, just smiles at me, as if the question I had just asked was the most obvious thing in the world.

— Of course I will. I'll be waiting for you eagerly.

At that exact moment, I can't tell if it's a lie or the truth. But today, I'll choose to believe him.

— Then don't ever pull that kind of prank on me again.

He looks almost surprised by my words. He just smiles. He steps closer, gently taking my wrist in his hand. Our bodies are so close I can feel his breath on my face. I feel my body shiver under his touch.

— I'm sorry. I didn't realize all of this really mattered to you. I'll be more careful from now on.

Just like that day when he spoke to me for the first time, my lungs empty of all their air. I slowly nod before giving him a smile. I feel his thumb gently stroking the sensitive skin of my wrist. And I feel a sensation settle in my stomach, one I know all too well.

We start walking again, still in silence. Or at least what resembles silence. Leo hums, as he always does, a melody. It's almost different every time. I imagine after spending our days dancing, it's inevitable. The way home is short, yet he doesn't let go of my wrist until we arrive at his door. I was about to turn and head up the stairs to the third floor, but a throat-clearing sound stops me.

— Sangwon-ah.

I turn to look Leo in the eyes. My heart is pounding without me knowing why. It's almost as if it's full of hope.

— Yes, Hyung.

— There are still plenty of days left before the end of the year. We'll spend them together. You don't need to worry.

I take a deep breath. I try to control the trembling in my body. And even if it isn't true, I answer with my most confident voice.

— I know.

Leo smiles at me before unlocking his door. I climb the remaining floors and close my own door behind me.

I didn't even know what to hope for anymore. I just didn't want him to forget me. If having him by my side means burying my feelings deep inside, then I'll do it. It's already been years that I've ignored the constant pounding of my heart whenever I'm near him. I try not to shiver when his skin touches mine. I do everything I can so he won't notice how excited I am to spend time with him. And Leo, he's always kind and caring toward me. And that makes me happy, but he's like that with everyone.

Leo is popular with everyone. He has this power to captivate the people around him. Girls chase after him and boys all want to be his friend. So in the middle of all that, when would he have time to look at me? And even if he did, he would only see me as his little brother. He already told me so. And I have to admit, it hurt.

Because ever since I've known the word love, I think that's what I've always felt for Leo. When I was only ten, I mistook my fascination with him for admiration, but I quickly realized that word didn't fit. It was love, and ever since that day, I've done my best to hide it from Leo.

If I don't want him to forget me, I want even less for him to hate me.

After that day and that promise, things sped up. Leo had less and less time for me. Going to a performing arts university isn't easy. I knew he was exhausting himself with dance and singing, and yet I couldn't help but feel abandoned, waiting alone in the library until it was dark outside while summer was just beginning to show.

Sometimes the secretary had to kick me out, and I spent the last hours sitting on the floor in front of the training room. On rare occasions, I went inside too, to practice by myself like I used to at the beginning of the year. But I stopped quickly, because one day, when Leo was especially tired, he yelled at me, saying I was disturbing him. Since then, I've kept my distance, making sure not to overdo it.

When he finished his training, he just thanked me and we walked home together. Often in silence, because with all that work, Leo was too tired to talk. So I just stayed there for him, a support if he ever needed it.

Eventually, my classes started taking up more of my time. I had less time to wait for him. And sometimes, when I ran through the halls to meet him at the training room, I learned he had already left.

Then graduation came even faster than everything else. And just as I had always known, Leo succeeded. He stood proudly on stage in his uniform, diploma in hand. I was sitting next to his mother. She held my hand. I could see her proud smile and the tears threatening to spill from her eyes. Leo's father was the loudest one cheering in the crowd. And me, I sat still in the middle of all that chaos, terrified of what would come next. But I smiled. I always did.

A few days later, I was lying on Leo's bed while he packed his boxes. I was supposed to help, but I wasn't much use. My throat was tight. To be honest, it had been like that for several days already.

— Do you really have to leave now? Why don't you enjoy your vacation first?

Leo sighed, almost exhausted. I sank deeper into where I was sitting. I immediately regretted my question.

— I already told you. I can get used to the university and meet people. It'll help me fit in.

I just nodded as Leo sealed the box he had just filled with tape. I swallowed hard.

— What time are you leaving tomorrow?

Leo's gaze drifted toward me. Then back to his boxes.

— I'd say around six. It's almost a four-hour drive.

I felt my stomach twist just imagining him leaving for the capital. I didn't think it would happen this fast. My hands fidgeted in my pockets, hesitant. I didn't know if it was the right moment. But I didn't know when I'd see him again. So I took a deep breath.

— Hyung?

Leo sighed as he turned toward me. He seemed annoyed by all my questions. Maybe even just by my presence.

— Listen, Sangwon, all of this is already stressful enough. If you're not here to help, you can just go home.

A lump formed in my throat at his words. I should have known I was being a bother. I quickly pulled a keychain from my pocket before holding it out to Leo. He looked at me in confusion. For a second, I almost thought I saw regret in his eyes.

— It's for you. For good luck.

He took the little red keychain with a trembling hand. Then he smiled at me. It had been so long since I'd seen him smile like that.

— Thank you. Wait, take this one.

He turned to his desk to unclip the one hanging from his bag. He handed it to me without hesitation.

— For me?

He nodded, a smirk on his face.

— That way you won't forget me.

I gripped it tighter in my hands as warmth spread through me. My cheeks flushed slightly red.

— Thank you.

— Ah, and take this too.

He tossed a plush toy at my feet. It was an Angry Bird we had won from a claw machine at the fair when I was fifteen and Leo was sixteen.

I gently picked it up in my arms. But Leo's attention was already back on his boxes. So I grabbed my book I had left on his bed. Then I stood up, holding the plush and the keychain safely against me.

— I'll let you get ready. You'll call me when you arrive?

Leo turned toward me for a moment.

— Of course I will. You don't have to worry about me.

I smiled even as tears threatened to fall. I didn't add anything as I opened the door to leave his room. In the kitchen, Leo's mother was already preparing dinner for the night.

— You're leaving already, Sangwon-ah? You're not staying for dinner?

I shook my head gently.

— I forgot I had something planned, I won't be able to stay tonight.

She leaned on the kitchen counter. She seemed really disappointed by the news.

— That's such a shame. But don't hesitate to come by even when Leo won't be here anymore. After all this time, I've watched you grow up too.

I gave her a tender smile before promising to come back, then I went upstairs to the third floor. The apartment was silent. It didn't smell like food like Leo's did. As I stepped inside, I saw a note left on the kitchen table. My mom was still at work. After my parents' separation, she had to take more hours to make ends meet.

I hadn't even had the chance to tell Leo about it yet. I didn't want to add more stress to him during his final exams. And my mom already had enough to deal with; she didn't need the whole neighborhood knowing. It didn't matter, I'd tell him next time I saw him.

It's only one year. It'll be fine.

What I didn't know yet when I watched Leo leave from my window was that this very moment was the beginning of my hell.

---

Another word I learned as I grew up is harassment. That's what the kids in the neighborhood did to me when I was little. That's what I was put through at school as soon as Leo was no longer by my side.

Summer went by quickly. Leo sent me pictures and messages almost every day. He showed me the places he discovered. Sometimes people I didn't know appeared in them. But the more weeks passed, the heavier the weight in my stomach grew, stopping me from eating and breathing properly. It was almost as if I already knew what awaited me when school started again.

At first, I was anxious about being alone. But I could handle it. Because even if he was far away, Leo was still with me. Yet while I expected loneliness, what came down on me was the exact opposite.

When I walked down the hallway, stares were too insistent, words were no longer whispered but spoken loud enough for me to hear. Because everyone already knew, and there was no one left to protect me.
I was never truly alone, there was too much attention on me. I felt like I could hear laughter everywhere I went. The only place where I could actually be alone was the practice room. I spent all my free time there, either training or just escaping my tormentors.

Not even the library gave me comfort anymore. Once, someone snatched my book right out of my hands. They laughed when they saw it was Letters to Yves. A book of love letters exchanged between two men.

After that day, everything became so much worse. A rumor started spreading. That I liked men, but more importantly, that I was in love with Leo. And that it was probably my fault he had chosen to leave so far away. I was so terrified this story would reach him that I no longer dared to answer his calls, always finding an excuse to postpone them, until he eventually stopped calling altogether.

I was just trying to survive that year. But the more time passed, the worse things got. It became more physical. I was shoved in the hallways, someone would "accidentally" drop my tray at lunch, my locker was emptied onto the floor, insults were no longer hidden but nearly shouted across the corridor, and the laughter never left me.

I had trouble sleeping at night. I couldn't eat anymore. With my mother never home when I came back, she didn't notice anything. But I lost nearly fifteen pounds in just two months. Leo's messages became rarer and rarer. Often just one word in reply, or a short message saying he would call me later. But that moment never came.

I saw in the pictures he posted that he had made new friends. But the final blow came when a whisper in the hallway reached me. They said Leo had a girlfriend. I could feel everyone's eyes on me. I don't even know how I survived that day. Laughter was all I could hear, so much so that I thought the all school must have heard by now.

When I got home, I was met with an empty apartment, like always. I collapsed on my bedroom floor. But I didn't cry. Instead, I grabbed my phone with a trembling hand. And without thinking, my finger had already pressed Leo's name. It rang a few times before he finally picked up. His voice sounded deeper than in my memories.

— Sangwon-ah? I'm in the middle of studying. It's not the best time to call.

I remembered him telling me about the exams he would have before the end of the year. Well, more like he told me so I'd leave him alone.

I swallowed hard. I shook my head to chase away the tears threatening to fall. I took a deep breath and tried to sound natural. My voice got stuck in my throat, making it come out rough.

— Hyung, when are you coming back? I want to see you.

The silence on the other side of the line made my heart beat faster. Then Leo finally sighed into the phone.

— I don't know, probably not before winter break. Maybe December twenty-first.

It was as if his answer brought me a fresh breath of air. A smile spread across my lips. So I let out the question that had been haunting me for days.

— Can we spend Christmas together?

I let the words slip out almost like a whisper. My heart was filled with hope. I wasn't asking him to give me all his time, just one day. The one day I waited for all year, my favorite day. Since I was ten, I'd always spent it with him. Maybe that's why I loved him so much.

— Of course we can.

And like a child, I asked,

— Do you promise?

A soft laugh came from the other side of the line. I could picture the smile lighting up Leo's face at that very moment.

— I promise.

Relief washed over me at his confirmation. Then the conversation ended quickly. All I had to do now was wait until Christmas to see Leo again. Just one month to hold on and all my problems would disappear. I could do it.

Despite the laughter, the insults, and the shoves, I endured. I tried to hold my head high. Then the holidays came, and so did Leo. But in the first few days, he was so busy that I couldn't even catch a glimpse of him. The only proof I had that he was back was his mother confirming it. She always invited me in to eat with them. But I didn't have the courage to, not with that knot in my stomach keeping me from swallowing anything.

Then December twenty-fifth arrived. When I woke up that morning, I couldn't help but smile. My mom told me she wouldn't be home today since she had to go straight into her night shifts. I just nodded. It didn't matter, because I wouldn't be alone tonight.

I sent Leo a message asking if we could have dinner together and that I'd wait for him on the stairs in front of our building at six. He replied with a simple thumbs-up emoji. I spent the entire afternoon getting ready for that moment. I was a mess, just for a simple dinner. But I was so eager to see Leo again, to believe that everything I endured had been worth it.

I arrived ten minutes early, standing in front of the stairs. A coat rested on my shoulders. I gripped a small bag in my hand with the gift I had prepared for Leo. It was only a scarf, but I knew he never carried one with him. I stood there, smiling in silence.

My ten minutes early turned into ten minutes late, then ten more. But I stayed in the same place, not moving. Even when the rain started to fall and the wind picked up, I stayed. Even when ten minutes became thirty, then an hour. I waited in the rain until I couldn't feel my fingers anymore. I had to tuck the bag under my coat to keep the wrapping paper from getting wet.

I didn't even realize how much time had passed. I was just convinced he would show up. At least, that's what I told myself. Night had already fallen long ago. I slowly took my phone in my frozen hands. Christmas had passed. December twenty-six showed just below the time. It was already midnight. I opened our conversation and saw that his profile picture had changed. I tapped on it with my numb fingers. An image appeared, Leo with that same girl I had seen everywhere lately. Above them was a simple text: Merry Christmas. But what stopped my breath was all the people from my school sitting at a table around them. The very same ones who emptied my locker, ruined my books, threw away my food, and blocked my way so I'd miss my bus. Leo was smiling in their company, when he was supposed to be with me.

He had promised.

I put my phone away and turned back inside the building. He wasn't coming anyway. Warmth wrapped around me again. I went up to the first floor and left the small, slightly wet bag in front of his door. Then I went home.

The silence hit me first. I collapsed in front of my door, still in my soaked clothes. I don't even know how long I stayed on the floor before my phone rang. It was him.
My breathing was too shaky to form proper words, so I decided not to answer. My phone rang for a long time, then stopped, only to start again a few seconds later. After the third call, Leo gave up. He sent me a message instead.

"Sangwon, I'm really sorry. I ran into some old school friends and I completely forgot we had plans. I just remembered. I hope you didn't wait long."

I eventually opened our chat and typed a reply with frozen fingers.

"I didn't wait long, don't worry. I spent the evening with my family instead."

His reply came quickly. I saw he was online.

"That's a relief then. Don't worry, I'll make it up to you next time."

I just liked his message. This time, I wasn't fooling myself, I knew it was a lie. He wouldn't make it up, just like he didn't show up today, just like he didn't wait for me. Leo was nothing but a liar.

I spent the rest of the holidays locked in at home. Leo didn't have time for me anyway. I didn't even get the chance to see him before he left again. I spent New Year's the same way as Christmas Day. The only thing I wished for this year was to become invisible.

Leo sent me a message to apologize the day he left. Then he never opened my reply. For me, hell had started all over again. But this time, it was worse. I had no goal, no one left to hold on to. And it felt like people had become even crueler in the new year. Maybe I was just too exhausted to endure it any longer.

But everything stopped quickly when my body gave out. Yet everything had started like a normal day. Classes had only been back for three days. The contents of my locker were scattered on the floor, my books damaged, my pens broken. I don't even know why I kept bothering to put my stuff inside. I just bent down to pick everything up under the amused stares of students walking down the hallway. My head was pounding, my body was numb. I was so tired, but I often felt that way on days like this. I was walking down the stairs when a boy passed by me. I had seen him before. He was in Leo's Christmas photo. A satisfied smile curled his lips, then his shoulder slammed violently against mine. But my body didn't have the strength to hold itself up. I missed the step and collapsed down the stairs. I was vaguely conscious as my body tumbled down. I remember hearing screams and voices around me. I felt liquid dripping down my forehead. But I didn't fight the exhaustion and closed my eyes.

When I opened them, I wasn't in the middle of the hallway anymore but in a hospital room. My mother was standing in the corner of the room. She was wearing her work clothes. She was on duty today. Her nurse uniform was wrinkled. And at that moment, I could see how exhausted she was. The dark circles under her eyes were highlighted by the tears rolling down her cheeks. She didn't take her eyes off me, but it was almost like she wasn't really there. She came closer before gently taking my hand in hers.

— Why didn't you tell me.

My throat was dry and my mouth sticky. I could only look at her without knowing what to answer. She sighed at my silence but didn't add anything for the moment.

— I talked with him, and maybe you should go live with your father. You'd change schools and have a fresh start.

If she was telling me this, it meant her decision was already made. I simply nodded. Later, the doctor came to see me. I learned that I had caught pneumonia on Christmas Day and that my body was too weak from lack of rest and food. Luckily I got away with just a dislocated shoulder, scratches, and bruises. I can't even imagine how desperate my mother must feel. She must blame herself for not noticing anything.

I stayed at home while she handled the paperwork for the transfer. The administration made it easier for her out of fear that we might sue. It's true that during all those months of hell, the staff silently observed the situation. After my fall, the student was suspended for two days. I'm not even angry about it, just relieved that I won't have to set foot in that place again.

I packed my boxes. I looked at my shelves full of books. My eyes landed on Letters to Yves. It was crumpled and I had to tape some torn pages back together. I delicately picked it up before placing it in a box. It was the only one I took, I left all the others behind. Leo's keychain was still hanging on my backpack. My eyes drifted to the plush on my bed. Before I could regret it, I threw it into a bag and closed it.

The next day, my father was waiting for me in front of his car. He and my mother loaded my things into the trunk in silence. They had that grave look on their faces while I just stared ahead, almost lifeless. The fatigue hadn't gone away. It was almost like it had settled into my whole body, lodging in every bone.

My mother held me firmly in her arms. Then I got into the car. We drove past the little grocery store. It had definitely closed. But the sign was still outside. I hadn't gone back there since Leo left. We then passed the park, and finally left for good the neighborhood where I had grown up. I regret a little not saying goodbye to Leo's mother. But I don't want him to know. Not when he doesn't even bother opening my messages anymore.

I've had enough of waiting. I've spent my life waiting for Leo, chasing after him. I was the only person really holding onto what we had. I was the only one who needed it. But it's over. I don't want to be the same Sangwon who needs Leo to exist. I'm tired of everything. Why doesn't anyone care about me?

Tears streamed silently down my cheeks. I let them, just this once. My father's eyes shifted from me to the road repeatedly. We arrived at his place an hour later. It was a small apartment. A bit more modern than the old one. He showed me my room. I had never come to visit him before. But I knew he had kept a space for me. The room was empty. There was only a double bed that almost filled the whole space.

— It's not under the conditions I imagined. But I'm really happy you're here with me. You'll see, it'll be a fresh start for both of us.

Everyone only had those words in their mouths. And I secretly hoped they were right.

My new school was less terrifying than the old one. Maybe because no one knew me, not me, not Leo. Or maybe it was because I had replaced my shyness with indifference. All I know is that for the first time in my life, I made friends. Kim Geonwoo sat next to me in almost all my classes. At lunch, we joined Junseo and Anxin in the cafeteria. I met them when I applied to join their dance group.

Thankfully I got accepted even that late in the year. To get a scholarship for a university, it's a big advantage. I don't do all this for Leo anymore. But simply for myself, to make my dream come true, to keep dancing, and maybe see him again.

I felt less lonely with them. I didn't always understand their jokes or their interests. Yet when I was with them, I felt like I could breathe a little better. Not like with Leo, but it was the closest thing to it. I never received another message from him. I think he simply gave up on waiting for me.

— Can you believe it? Graduation is in two weeks. And it's already been six months since Sangwon joined us. Time flies too fast.

I exhaled the smoke filling my lungs. A smile spread across my face. Not as bright as before, but it was there, and that was already something. I looked at Geonwoo who raised his hands as if what he had just said was revolutionary. Anxin just laughed. While Junseo leaned over to grab the cigarette from my fingers to bring it to his lips.

— At least we'll all be together next year.

Anxin's smile widened at my remark. He turned to look at Junseo.

— If he doesn't repeat the year again, yeah.

Junseo just smacked his arm while exhaling the smoke. Geonwoo kept dragging on the nicotine stick between his own fingers.

I don't even remember when I started. I don't know if it was because of stress or because the other two did it too. But I just started smoking. My father didn't notice. He's often already asleep on the couch when I get home. He really doesn't know how to take care of a house. I wonder how he managed after the divorce. He doesn't know how to use an oven, a washing machine, or a dishwasher. And we've never really been close. He's pretty uncomfortable around me, like he doesn't know how to act with me. Like I'm made of glass. So I guess he doesn't feel legitimate to lecture me when he himself is addicted to this crap.

My mother calls me often to check on me. She seems less tired and definitely more relieved since I sent her a picture of the boys I hang out with.

Things are better but an emptiness remains. Because this person, it isn't me. I don't read anymore and I don't laugh like before. I smoke, I go out, and I live a life I would have never imagined before. Dance is the only constant in all these changes. Of course I enjoy it. But without all that happened, I wouldn't have done any of this. Now people talk about me without criticizing. They compliment my athletic body without knowing what caused my weight loss. For the first time, I was desired, by men and women alike. People noticed my voice, without comparing it to Leo's. They noticed me first and envied me. Every look replaced the emptiness that Leo's eyes had left on my skin. And yet I feel like the attention is never enough.

If I have to become this version of Lee Sangwon to keep this life, then I will.

I posted a picture of my graduation. I don't even know what I'm looking for by doing it. Thanks to Junseo's help, my social media had transformed. More active, more modern, and more attractive. I had filled it with photos of landscapes and models of all kinds, but I didn't yet have the courage to post one with my face. Out of fear that those who had mocked me would recognize me. Yet in the middle of all the notifications I was only waiting for his. But he just liked my posts in silence, never reaching out.

---

Then I packed my boxes again, this time to leave for the capital. The same place Leo had disappeared to a year earlier. My friends also wanted to spend our vacation there, and I was no one to contradict them.

I shared a dorm with Anxin while Junseo was in the same room as Geonwoo two floors down. He turned to stare at the plush on my bed.

— I didn't know you liked that game.

He pointed at the Angry Bird. I swallowed hard before trying to keep my composure.

— I don't. It's a gift.

He just nodded.

— Kind of like your book.

He was referring to the one on my small desk. The one with taped pages and torn edges. The only book I had taken with me. I just nodded. But the discussion ended quickly when knocking echoed at our door.

Anxin went to open it while I kept folding my clothes in the closet. As I expected, Geonwoo and Junseo were behind the door. They entered as if it were their own room.

— You guys done unpacking?

Junseo looked around, staring at the empty boxes stacked by the door. Geonwoo grabbed the pack of cigarettes from my desk before dropping onto my bed.

— Let's smoke a cig.

He pulled one out of the pack. But immediately got a pillow thrown at his face. Anxin and his perfect aim struck again.

— Addict! You smoked when we first got here.

Geonwoo just laughed. Junseo sat down on Anxin's bed.

— It's true that now we don't have to hide on the roof to do it.

I just laughed at their conversation while continuing to organize my shelves.

— Okay, then no cigarette. But we can go grab a coffee on campus.

We all looked at each other at Geonwoo's suggestion before nodding. I abandoned my pants and grabbed my wallet and phone. I followed them through the hallways, not yet fully used to them. The air was humid like it was about to rain, but there wasn't a single cloud on the horizon. Geonwoo, who couldn't resist lighting a cigarette, handed it to me. I understood why this guy smoked so much. He always relied on me or Junseo to share it.

I just took it between my fingers while laughing at one of Anxin's jokes. Then I saw him. I noticed him right away, how could I not. He was taller than in my memories. His dazzling smile still on his face. His hair was shorter, giving him a more mature look. I barely noticed the boy with fresh dark hair walking beside him.

My steps stopped immediately. Of course, I expected to see him. And I was ready for the confirmation that he had never waited for me. But I didn't think the sight of Leo would affect me this much.
He walked near me. My breath caught in my chest. Our eyes met. I opened my mouth to greet him or simply try to say his name. But he just walked past me like I didn't exist. Did he not recognize me, or did he just ignore me?

It's like the world collapsed around me. I almost dropped the cigarette on the floor. My gaze stayed lost in the void.

— Sangwon-ah, hurry up!

I lifted my head to see my friends waiting for me a few meters ahead. I quickly rushed to catch up with them. But I couldn't ignore the feeling of those eyes on my back. I was almost sure I had heard him whisper my name. But maybe it was just my imagination.

We squeezed onto a booth, coffees in front of us. But I couldn't really be with them anymore. I kept thinking about Leo. And it only fueled my anger. Not against him, but against myself. Why couldn't I just move on.

I looked around. It was almost like I already knew the place. The tables and chairs were the same as in the pictures Leo had sent me. They must still be somewhere deep in my gallery.

— Did you hear? Jungkook sunbanim is teaching the university dance club classes.

Junseo looked so excited by the news. We had found out a few months before the end of the year. That's what pushed him to enroll in the same university as us. And the reason I had to stay late in the library to help him catch up in some subjects.

With the bullying, I spent my life studying. I had nothing else to do. Thanks to that, I didn't struggle much adapting to my new high school. And it was the reason why Geonwoo at first, who didn't even know me, asked me for help. Then I just help them all to study to our final exams. It's probably what brought us closer.

— We know. You don't stop repeating it.

Anxin rolled his eyes. But a smile spread across his lips. Teasing Junseo seemed to be the sport he excelled at the most.

— The auditions aren't even open yet. We don't even know if they'll accept first-years.

Geonwoo stayed the logical one. I just sipped my coffee. Anxin had asked the cashier for a straw before I could. I had spilled coffee on myself way too many times. I lifted my head when silence settled at our table. Geonwoo's eyes were fixed on me. He leaned over the table, hands clasped in front of me. He closed his eyes like he was trying to look cute.

— If we can sign up, you'll come with me, right Sangwon? Please.

I could only laugh, slightly amused by his reaction. And of course I agreed. I would never say no to dance.

Vacation passed quickly. We visited almost the whole campus. I secretly pulled out Leo's pictures to compare them with reality. The library was bigger than I thought, while the garden was smaller. Walking through the streets of the capital was almost like a dream. I used to imagine myself in those same places before falling asleep. Especially on the days I was scared of going back to school and facing the mockery. I was happy to finally be here. My friends were by my side, but Leo wasn't.

I hadn't run into him again since I arrived. That reassured me a little. Every time I went out, my heart beat a little faster, afraid I'd bump into him.

---

— Sangwon-ah! Hurry up.

Anxin's voice echoed from the other side of the door. I quickly adjusted my hair before leaving the bathroom. My roommate was already ready and waiting. He was wearing denim shorts that reached his knees and an oversized t-shirt falling off his shoulders. My t-shirt, a gift from Junseo, was fairly short. It stopped just above the waistband and hugged every curve of my body. My wide black jeans hung low on my hips. I grabbed my sneakers before heading out. When we stepped outside our building, Geonwoo and Junseo already had a cigarette lit.

— I tried to hold him back. But you guys took too long.

Junseo nodded toward Geonwoo. He crushed his cigarette against the trash can before tossing it away.

— Shall we go? The bar will be packed otherwise.

We all nodded before following him. I looked at Geonwoo in his white sweater tucked into leather pants. They clung to his thighs. It was almost like the fabric made him look taller.

— He could share some of his height with us.

It was almost like Junseo had read my mind. He too wore a band t-shirt I didn't recognize, tucked into his jeans. I don't even remember who suggested we spend our last Saturday before classes started at a bar near campus. But it was already past six and here we were on our way.

The walk there was lively. Anxin and Geonwoo were unbearable. I didn't understand how they had even become friends. But Junseo had told me that before he knew them, they were already inseparable. I guess people must have thought the same about Leo and me. During that year I was alone, I often wondered, if we had met now, would he have reached out to me. Maybe he would have been one of the people who mocked me.

Luckily for us, there were still a few free tables when we arrived. Geonwoo immediately stood up to order beers for everyone. That guy really wasn't afraid of anything. He spoke with confidence and drew everyone's attention... I couldn't help smiling back when our eyes met. It wasn't good, he looked too much like him. It could almost trick my heart, since it started beating a little too fast in his presence.

The darker it got outside, the more crowded the bar became. We weren't the only ones wanting to enjoy our last weekend here. Soon people we didn't even know sat with us. Most of them were older. Geonwoo and Junseo did most of the talking. I just listened. The mood was light and even though the air smelled of alcohol, I was having a good time.

I stared at my almost empty beer in my hands. The scariest part was how many bottles were already empty. I couldn't stop laughing. I didn't know if it was the alcohol, the fatigue, or simply the good mood flooding our table. I was squeezed between Anxin and a guy, Sanghyeon, if I remembered right.

— Smoke break?

Geonwoo's voice rose above the conversations. Junseo quickly shook his head to refuse. Geonwoo's eyes lifted to me. They were full of hope I didn't want to disappoint. And after spending so much time in this crowded place, getting some fresh air wouldn't hurt. I managed to slip out of my seat. The world spun slightly as I stood. Without Geonwoo's help, I probably would have collapsed in front of everyone.

I couldn't help laughing at the situation. He smiled at me before heading toward the door. Since our table was at the back, we walked through the bar's length. I walked behind Geonwoo, pulling the pack of cigarettes from my back pocket.

— Sangwon.

My steps froze and I immediately turned toward the voice. I had recognized it. But it felt like a dream. Yet it was really him standing right in front of me. He was sitting on a stool at the bar. The ones I assumed were his friends glanced at us over their shoulders. His eyes widened like he was surprised to see me. He was wearing a gray t-shirt that revealed his collarbones and black jeans with white patterns I couldn't even define.

My name echoed through the bar. He had said it almost too loudly. Like he was afraid I wouldn't hear him. Despite wanting to walk away and pretend I hadn't heard, I stayed frozen in front of him. My heart pounded so hard it felt like everyone could hear it. My hand tightened around the cigarette pack in my hand. And my smile vanished as soon as I met his eyes.

— Hyung.

The word slipped out of my lips. Leo's eyes traveled from head to toe. His eyebrows furrowed and his mouth hung slightly open in shock. It was like he was seeing me for the first time.

— Sangwon-ah... I almost didn't recognize you. You've changed.

That same cursed smile appeared on his face. It was smug and nonchalant. As if after all this time, that was all he had to say. Anger boiled inside me.

— Yeah, a lot can change in a year.

My tone was cold, lifeless. While my gaze was empty. I don't think I had ever spoken to Leo like that before. Not even when we fought. If anyone asked, I'd blame it on the alcohol. Leo's smile disappeared as he straightened in his chair.

He seemed lost. Like he didn't know what to say. He opened his mouth, but stopped short. I understood why when an arm wrapped around my shoulders. Geonwoo looked at me before fixing his gaze on Leo. His hand tightened protectively on my shoulder. He stared Leo down at his full height.

— What's this? Do you know him, Sangwon-ah?

Leo immediately stood from his chair to face us. His gaze lingered too long on the hand on my shoulder. His jaw clenched, his expression darker. Geonwoo didn't let himself be intimidated even if Leo was barely shorter.

— What are you implying?

Leo's voice was full of anger. Geonwoo didn't even flinch. His smile never left his lips.

— Look, I'm not looking for trouble. Whoever you are, he doesn't seem to want to talk to you, so drop it.

Leo's face shifted from anger to pure shock. Then his eyes drifted to me. Like he was trying to confirm what Geonwoo had just said. I simply removed my friend's hand from my shoulder. I shoved past Leo and made my way to the exit. The world kept spinning around me. I held onto whatever I could. When my hands finally found the door, I was relieved. I pushed it open quickly and stepped outside.

The cool night air hit my skin. I felt it cooling my burning cheeks, calming my mind and my heartbeat. I moved a little away from the bar's entrance. Then finally, I let myself fall onto the edge of the sidewalk. I took a deep breath, tilting my head back and closing my eyes. I savored the silence. Finally, I sat back up, pulling a cigarette from my crumpled pack. It took me several tries to grab my lighter. The alcohol completely mixed in my blood didn't make it any easier.

I held the cigarette in one hand, trying to light the lighter with the other. But no matter how much I spun the wheel, nothing happened. I angrily threw the poor piece of plastic onto the road. That was all I needed. I let out a frustrated sigh.

I heard footsteps behind me. Then the sound of a lighter wheel before the flame emerged. I held out my cigarette without looking back. Because I was sure it would be Geonwoo's eyes I'd meet if I turned. I didn't expect to feel hands on mine as the flame lit my stick of nicotine. My eyes widened at the rough touch on my skin. His palms were calloused from all the hours spent playing guitar.

I turned to look at him. My eyes met Leo's directly. And all the air in my lungs escaped. I felt like I was suffocating. And it wasn't the cigarette smoke's fault. Why had he followed me?

I swallowed hard. He stayed standing beside me for a moment before sitting down on the ground next to me. Passersby looked at us briefly, but I couldn't even care. My throat was tight. I looked ahead, trying to avoid his gaze.

— I didn't think you'd come. I stopped believing it.

His voice broke the silence. I took a deep breath. I felt the smoke fill my lungs. My muscles relaxed slightly as the nicotine and alcohol clouded my mind even more. They kept me from thinking too much. I used to love how they made me forget his existence, his laugh, his smile, his presence. But that wasn't the case anymore. Not when Leo's warmth and scent surrounded me like this. I let the smoke escape through my nostrils.

— I stopped believing you'd waited for me. At least one of us was right.

Leo didn't say anything. I only heard the muffled music slipping out of the bar whenever someone opened the door, and his breathing.

I took another drag before holding out my pack to him. More out of politeness. And because I wished he'd do something other than stare at me. His eyes hadn't left me for even a second.

— No thanks, I don't smoke. Actually, I didn't even know you did.

I just shrug. I close it before slipping it into my pocket with a trembling hand. It's almost like my body doesn't respond to me anymore. I try to ignore the world spinning around me again.

— I do a lot of things.

That's the only answer I could think of. My mind is hazy. I feel the fatigue in every joint. I crush the butt on the ground. I look around, searching for a trash can. But then my attention is caught by a hand stretched out toward me. I look at Leo, not understanding.

— Give it to me, I'll throw it away.

I just ignore his hand. I push off the sidewalk behind me to stand up. My legs are numb. I take a few seconds to steady myself. Leo immediately stands up beside me. I take two steps before tripping. I feel my body falling forward.

But before I hit the ground, Leo's arms wrap around my waist. I'm suddenly pulled tightly against his chest. I can feel his heart beating against my back. His hands hold on to my body. My breathing is uneven. Leo helps me steady myself, then his hands slowly leave my waist. I know I shouldn't have thought it, but I wished his hands would stay there a little longer. Instead, they land on my shoulders. Leo leans closer, forcing me to meet his gaze.

— Are you okay?

I look at him for a moment. He looks genuinely worried. I don't understand why he cares about me now. Why he worries now when he abandoned me a year ago.

I want to ask him that question. But it would only prove that I was far too dependent on him, more than just friendship, it would show the love underneath. And I don't want to know the answer. I don't want him to confirm that I always loved him more than he loved me. Besides, I'm too drunk and too tired to have that conversation.

So instead, I open my hand. The one holding the butt. My skin stings slightly when I move.

— I think I burned myself.

Leo's eyes widen as he immediately takes my hand in his. He grabs the butt. He doesn't let go of me while stretching out his arm to toss it in the trash. Then his attention comes back to me. He inspects my palm like he's searching for some kind of truth.

— It should be fine. But disinfect it and put some cream on it so it doesn't get worse.

I stare at his face while nodding. Finally, he lets go of me. There's distance between us again. My head is pounding and I feel like I'm going to throw up. I just want to go home. I close my eyes, hoping the pain disappears.

But my phone's ringtone breaks the silence. I groan in frustration. I open my eyes only to realize Leo hasn't stopped looking at me this whole time.

I grab my phone with a trembling hand. I have to try twice before I finally answer. Junseo's voice echoes in the silence outside. The music blaring behind him keeps me from focusing. I can barely make out what he's saying. My headache is too strong. So, I hand my phone to Leo. He takes it with a hesitant hand. He looks at me, confused. My name spills out from the device between us. Finally, Leo brings it to his ear. His gaze doesn't leave me. He just nods. Then he speaks. I know he does because I see his lips moving. But I don't know what he's saying.

— Yeah, I'll take care of it.

That's all I understood before he hung up. He doesn't even bother to give me my phone back, he slips it into his own pocket.

— He wants me to go home, right? Is he coming to get me?

My mouth feels dry. Leo nods without specifying which question he's answering. Yet after a few seconds, he clears his throat.

— He's not coming. I told him I'd take you back.

I frown slightly. Why would he do that? I shake my head, but stop quickly because of my headache.

— I don't need your help.

I turn my back to him and start walking. I slowly make my way down the street leading to campus. But Leo's steps catch up to me quickly. He plants himself in front of me, forcing me to stop.

— I'm not letting you go back in this state.

— I'm used to it.

I don't know why I let that slip. Maybe because I didn't want him to have the last word. But it's the truth. I often went home alone after the parties we went to. Because Geonwoo never finished the night by himself and would disappear before anyone noticed. And Anxin usually took care of Junseo, who was often in a worse state than me. So I would just walk home, waiting for the alcohol to leave my system. Sometimes I only got home at dawn. But I always had a message on my phone asking if I'd made it back safely. That was enough for me. At least they never forgot. So yes, I was used to going home like this.

I see Leo's face tense. But only for an instant.

— That doesn't change anything. I'm taking you back to your room.

I just exhale. Because knowing Leo, he won't give up.

— Your friends are going to wait for you. But I guess you're used to keeping people waiting. Do whatever you want.

I walk past him. He ignores the jab I threw at him and walks by my side. He seems relaxed, but I can tell his body is tense. The silence around us is heavy.

— What did you drink?

I lift my eyes toward him before fixing them back on the road ahead.

— Beer.

— How much did you drink to end up like this?

There's no judgment in his voice. I just shrug. I can't hold back the laugh that slips out.

— I have absolutely no idea.

But Leo's face remains impassive. He doesn't seem to find the situation funny. Even if I can't explain why, I find it hilarious.

We soon arrive in front of my building. I stand still in front of the keypad. They had given us a code to open the front door of the dorm. I stare at it for a while as if the code will magically come back to me.

— What are you waiting for.

I wave my hand at Leo to tell him to shut up. I keep staring at the door before giving up.

— I forgot the code.

Leo pinches the bridge of his nose. You can't be serious. I stare back in silence. I do my best not to laugh. He doesn't look like he's in the mood.

— Then use your room key.

My eyes widen. Right, it opens the front door too. I search my pockets before remembering that Anxin has my key. I gave it to him because I was afraid of losing it.

I give up, sitting down on the ground. Leo looks at me, not understanding. I lean my back against the wall, admitting defeat.

— My roommate has the key.

The sound that comes from Leo's mouth is somewhere between a cry of frustration and a sigh of despair. He seems to be thinking quickly. He runs his hand down his face before looking at me with raised eyebrows.

— That doesn't worry you at all?

I think there's too much alcohol in my blood for me to realize how bad the situation is. And I'm way too tired to think about it. I let my head rest against the wall behind me. I feel my eyes closing. I fight against sleep.

— Worst case, I can sleep here.

I thought he'd sigh again, but instead he steps closer to me. I open one eye to see his hand stretched out in front of me.

— Come on, get up. I'm not letting you sleep here.

I opened my eyes wide in surprise. For a brief moment, I thought I saw myself again, crying on the stairs of my house, ice cream melting on my pants. And I saw Leo with a warm smile, reaching out his hand so I'd come play with him. Shivers run through me. But reality is harsher than that warm memory.
I'm not ten anymore, but nineteen. I drank too much and I'm on the street. Leo isn't eleven. He's twenty. He's taller, with a more adult face and a smile that no longer reaches his eyes. His presence isn't as warm anymore. We're not children anymore. I don't even know if we're still friends.

— I feel like I'm gonna throw up.

Leo's hand slips under my arm to help me up. He steadies me by wrapping his arm around my waist. I lean on him as he leads me into the dark.

— I know.

His voice is barely louder than a whisper. I hear it so close to my ear it makes me flinch. I let Leo guide me. We stop in front of another building. He frees one hand, pressing me against him while punching in a code. Then once the door opens, his hands return to their place like it's second nature. We walk down the empty halls. The lights turn on as we pass. Then we take the elevator. I don't even know what floor we're going to. I'm too busy staring at my reflection in the mirror. I look like a mess. My hair is messy, my t-shirt rides up on my torso, exposing skin. That's when I notice Leo's hand resting on the small of my waist where there's no fabric. I should feel ashamed, but I don't.

We step out of the elevator and head to a door. It only takes him a few seconds before it opens. He leads me to a bed where I collapse. My body has no strength left to move. I close my eyes, trying to calm my heartbeat. I don't even know when it started beating like this.

I feel Leo struggling with my shoelaces before finally managing to pull them off. I open my eyes, trying to adjust to the dark of the room.

— Hyung.

Leo turns almost immediately toward me. He steps closer to the bed before leaning over me.

— Do you still feel like throwing up?

I shake my head slightly. I swallow a few times before forming a sentence.

— I'm hot, hyung.

Leo studies me for a moment from head to toe before nodding. He moves toward a closet and pulls out a t-shirt and sports shorts. He sets them down beside me. He doesn't take his eyes off me.

— Can you change by yourself?

I sit up on the bed, then nod. He sighs like he's relieved by my answer. Then he turns away, disappearing into another room. I struggle with my pants for a while before finally managing to take them off. I pull on the shorts before removing my too-tight shirt. Leo reappears in front of me before I've had time to put on the t-shirt. He stops in the doorway as I pull the fabric down over my torso.

I push my clothes to the floor. Then I finally look around the room. It looks like mine but more alive. Posters cover the wall. Leo steps toward me with a bottle of water in one hand and some medicine in the other. I don't even ask what it is. I just swallow it. I hope whatever it is will ease my headache or nausea.

— You can sleep here, if you want.

I lift my eyes toward him. I don't know why he's doing all this. But I'm far too exhausted to refuse. So with his help, I settle into the bed. He adjusts the blanket over my body. And that's when it hits me. This is his room, his bed. Everything here smells like him. I can't stop myself from taking a deep breath. That scent a mix of vanilla and citrus fits him so well. It reminds me of all the countless times we slept together as kids. I'd always wake up with that scent. Sometimes it lingered on my sheets for days.

I slowly close my eyes when I hear the rustling of fabric. I reach out to stop him from leaving. My fingers clutch the hem of his t-shirt. I don't open my eyes but I feel his gaze on me. The room is drowned in silence, our breaths the only thing breaking it.

— Don't go. Don't leave me.

I don't really know what I'm asking. But I don't want to be far from him while his scent surrounds me. For a few minutes, he doesn't move. Fatigue washes over me, but I can't let go of his shirt. Then he sighs before stepping closer to the bed. I scoot against the wall, making room for him. That's the moment I slowly open my eyes. He lets his pants slide down his legs. Then he pulls off his t-shirt. I freeze at the sight of his bare chest. I quickly turn to face the wall when I feel my cheeks burning. Then I feel the blanket lift before the weight settles on the mattress. I feel his legs brush against mine. I can feel his warmth against me. The bed is definitely too small for two grown men, but it doesn't seem to bother us.

— I'm not leaving, you know.

That's when I realize I was holding his wrist in my hand.

— I'm sorry.

He sighs before settling down. He wraps his arm around my torso, lying on his stomach. I guess if we're stuck together in this tiny bed, we might as well lie comfortably. I stay on my back, closing my eyes. The warmth radiating from Leo's arm eases the pain in my body. I slowly drift into sleep when I hear Leo mumble into his pillow.

— Jiahao is definitely going to kill me.

I don't know who this Junmin is, probably his roommate. Maybe he was at the bar with Leo. Maybe he's that guy with the red hair I saw in old pictures he send me. But whoever he is, I can't bring myself to care. Because for the first time in a year, I feel like I've finally filled the emptiness I couldn't replace. I know tomorrow he'll be gone again. But I want to hold on to this for as long as I can.