Chapter Text
Lux loses herself in the work.
Without this camera in her hands she’d be lost. She’d be twiddling her thumbs in a corner, biding her time until the anxiety overwhelms her and she rushes to the bathroom to hide and cry. With it, she’s a fly on the wall. Invisible through the viewfinder. She can experience the event in retrospect when she’s curled up on her couch back home. Right now, she’s an instrument and the muses are pulling her strings.
Every photograph she takes of the other wedding guests is a snapshot of a life she wishes she could have. It’s a vicarious release of emotions she doesn’t know how to show anymore.
She used to be good at people, at least in the circles her family ran around in. But things changed when her life fell apart. When the dirty underside of the table was laid bare, and the ugly truth of it all came to light. She lost her belief system, her family, her sense of self, all in one day.
She works her magic.
Click . She captures the happy couple in a moment of unrestrained laughter with their friend Mel. Click . She steals one of Caitlyn’s father raising his glass in toast with tears streaming into his graying beard. Click . A different blue-haired woman, a pale dream eyeing the slow-dancing newlyweds with a glass in her hand and a smirk on her face. Click . Another toast. This one by Caitlyn’s best man. It’s long and he rambles at times, but people laugh and clink their glasses together anyway. Click . Blue again, this time chatting with a young man in a trenchcoat of all things. Click . Caitlyn and Vi, cutting the cake together, then another of them kissing with icing smushed across both their faces.
Blue. Alone once more. Brimming with melancholy.
An action shot of her walking. She gets close enough Lux is able to catch the finer details of her face. The light ricochets off her jawline like dawn off the summer sea. The blues of her hair, her dress, and her tattoos complement her skin tone so well she’s a painting. She’s a spider’s web and Lux is entrapped. The band’s sudden shift to heavier music and the roaring of the crowd matches the tempo within Lux’s chest.
“Just gonna take photos of me the whole night, then?”
“Uh.” Heat blooms through her whole body. She wasn’t expecting anyone to acknowledge her let alone someone as stunning as Blue. She flips through the last half dozen photos. She’s right, it’s mostly her. They’re all very flattering. Precious time is slipping away, she’s ogling her shots and melting when she should be answering the question . “You’re really photogenic, look-”
“I don’t care.” She sighs, “Stop doing it.”
“But-” Blue’s glare is scalding, “Sorry.”
“Whatever. You’re only doing your job.” She waves a hand and steps away, “Do it at someone else.”
“It’s not just a job.” She snaps. She regrets it immediately, but she’s captured Blue’s curiosity, “It-it’s art.”
For a moment Lux thinks she sees something light up in her violet eyes, but it’s gone before she can identify it. Blue shrugs, “You got carried away. Happens to me all the time.”
Again, she tries to escape.
Again, Lux feels compelled to keep her attention. “Are you Jinx?” Because she matches the description, and she’s heard so much about her. She’s dangerous. She’s a lit candle, and Lux can’t help but poke it.
Only the woman’s shoulders sag, the fire she started the confrontation with sputters and dies. Lux feels monstrous. She doesn’t know what she did or said, but obviously no one would want to talk to the creepy photographer. She shouldn’t have let Caitlyn convince her to take the gig. She’s ruined this.
“D’you need something fixed?” She says. Jinx says. The monumental effort it took her to say that instead of something else lies heavy in the air between them. Her voice is defeated. Declawed.
“I heard so many stories about you.” No! “I meant you’re not like I thought you’d be.” Oh god that’s worse. Jinx’s face sours the more Lux opens her mouth but she has to fix this. “I just mean I didn’t think you’d be so pretty.” She holds up the camera to prove her point and then realizes what she’s said and falters.
A grin breaks her seal and Jinx throws her head back in laughter. A few of the people surrounding them glance their way with curiosity or disdain but for once Lux doesn’t care. She’s enthralled. Jinx is a cackling witch and she’s cast a spell on her. As soon as the sound is gone Lux craves hearing it again.
“You’re not so bad yourself, sunshine.” She says, wiping a tear from her eye. “I thought wedding photographers would be less…”
“Anxious?” Lux gulps. Why is it so hot in here? She needs something to squeeze to let all this nervous energy out.
Jinx shrugs, “Don’t you work with people?”
“I work at people.” She waves at the wedding she’s clearly not participating in, out of breath from all the talking she hadn’t expected to be doing.
“S’pose you’re right.” For the third time, Jinx looks like she’s about to leave. She’s the source of all this heat bubbling inside Lux but she doesn't want it to stop. Her voice is a siren’s call and she’d follow it anywhere. “I’ll go back to moping and let you-”
A man interrupts, “Hey, can I borrow you for a minute?” He’s speaking to Jinx. It’s the best man, and he’s a cacophony of contrasts. He wears a white suit over a black shirt with a red tie, but then his hair and beard are a short scraggly mess. His voice is confident, but his eyes are hopping from Jinx to Lux to all the other guests..
Jinx rolls her eyes and crosses her arms, “Do what you came here to do.”
He sighs, introduces himself to Lux with the barest minimum of courtesy, “Jayce.”
“Lux.” She says.
“Pleasure.” He refocuses on Jinx, pulls out a business card, “I’ve seen what you can do. Viktor and I think you’d make-”
“I don’t need your charity.” Jinx seethes, “I’m not going to be some bullshit diversity hire. Bother someone else.”
He maintains his cool, “Thought you might say that.” He returns the card to his pocket, “If you change your mind, I gave one to your sister as well.” Before he walks off, he adds something else, he seems like the type that always has to have the last word. “With all due respect, I don’t give a shit where you’re from. Only your talents.”
Lux believes him. She hasn’t seen Jinx’s gadgets herself, but the way Vi spoke about her was so full of pride it was infectious. Given her earlier blunders she has a vested interest in making it up to her. She touches her elbow to get her attention, to tell her to hear him out.
Jinx recoils.
“Don’t touch me.”
The ferocity with which she snarls takes Lux’s breath away.
“I don’t need your pity either.”
No! She didn’t mean it like that at all.
“I can take care of myself.”
She storms off.
Leaving Lux right back where she started. Alone at a wedding full of people she doesn’t know. Camera forgotten on the strap strangling her neck. She watches Jinx leave the room because of her. She looks around at everyone surrounding her, covers her ears to drown out the band, the chatter, the shattering of a fallen glass. She can’t breathe. The pressure in her chest builds and builds.
She rushes to the restroom, leans against the door and counts . She slides down to the floor, holding a staring contest with the wall. She replays the interaction in her head over and over-
The flushing of a toilet startles her out of her stupor. She scrambles to a free stall to hide. She didn’t need to rush, the other occupant takes their time to come out. But when they do, they don’t leave. From beneath the door, she sees the bottom end of a pure white dress.
It’s Caitlyn.
“Is everything alright?” She says.
Oh no . “Uh. Yeah.” She chokes out. Caitlyn should be enjoying her wedding, not worrying about Lux. “I’ll be back on the job in a jiffy!” When did I start saying jiffy?
She snorts, probably thinking the same thing. “There’s other photographers here that can pick up all of your five minutes of slack, Lux. You’re allowed a break, you know.”
Lux is silent. She hopes Caitlyn will leave it there and let her be.
“I saw you with Jinx, earlier.” The way she says it, trailing off at the end, she can tell something happened. How does she always know everything?
“I…” Jinx is her sister-in-law now. She doesn’t want to ruffle any feathers. At the same time, she has no idea what happened. There’s no other option. She settles for honesty. “I don’t know.”
She’s unsurprised, “Do you want to come out here and talk about it?”
Lux gingerly unlocks the door and slithers out to face her. Her dress is stunning up close, and her makeup’s impeccable even this late into the night. Lux shifts uncomfortably beneath her dissecting gaze.
“I saw her giving you a hard time… But you were laughing before I could intervene. What happened after that?”
“I think your best man offered her a job?”
She rolls her eyes, “Jayce has negative tact these days.” But some affection seeps into her voice. “I’ll have some words with him. What then?”
“I didn’t get a word in! She said she didn’t need my pity and stormed off.”
Caitlyn looks thoughtful.
“You should be out there.” Not here, managing me and my social incompetence .
“My duty as a host is to ensure my guests enjoy themselves. My duty as a sister-in-law is to look out for her.” She faces the mirror, checking over her makeup even though she doesn’t need to. “And I suppose I see a little of myself in you.” She turns, leans against the sink, “Do you want to go talk to her?”
Lux hesitates, “Uh.” Who is she kidding? Of course she does. She needs to smooth things over or she’ll be reliving the encounter in for the rest of her life.
And she needs to hear that laugh again.
She nods.
“Then you should.” She shrugs. “I’m sure you can clear up whatever happened. She has a good heart, no matter how well she hides it.” She narrows her eyes. “Don’t tell her I said that.”
Lux chuckles nervously, “I won’t.”
“Good. I’ll leave you to it then.” At the door, before she heads out, “Take the rest of the night off, you’ve earned it.”
She doesn’t wait for a response.
But Lux thanks the silence she left behind anyway.
***
She steps out into the cold onto the deck that gives way to the beach. The moon’s reflection shimmers in the dark water, and Jinx sits on the edge of the walkway, right where Mel said she'd be. She has her bare feet in the sand, looking out at the sea and miming smoking with an unlit cigarette.
“Hey.” Lux says, “I’m sorry about earlier. I shouldn’t-”
“Whatever. It’s fine.” She says between fake puffs of smoke.
“I mean it-”
“ I’m sorry.” She sighs, “I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I was just agitated.” She sighs “I don’t belong here.”
She can relate to that, at least. “What about your sister?” She inches closer so she’s not talking from the doorway. She closes it behind her, blocking out most of the noise and leaving only the muffled music and the washing waves. She doesn’t get too close. She’s afraid of being pushed away again.
“Tonight’s about her, not me. I don’t want to ruin another good thing for her, so I’m staying as far away as possible without hurting her fragile ego.”
“Ruin?”
“How’d ya think I got my name?” She moves on with a twitch of the cigarette between her fingers, giving Lux no chance for the admission to sink in. “I take it you don’t handle crowds well.”
Lux frowns at the whiplash, “Yeah it’s…” But at least they’re talking. With the stories she’s heard, of course there are subjects that are off limits, but she didn’t expect such a rotten revelation to be hung out and unaddressed. She wants to ask about it. She wants to listen. But they’ve only just met. “It really triggered my anxiety.” She steps closer, swallows the heavy weight climbing up her throat. “May I sit?”
“What? Is this a therapy session?” She says with a smirk, but nods to her side.
Lux sits a close distance away. Shrugs, “It could be?” She stares at the cigarette and wonders what it means.
Jinx reads her mind. “I kicked the habit a while ago but when it gets like this I have to trick my brain to fucking relax.”
“That's… Good. It’s really bad for you.” Wow Lux, what a great conversationalist you are.
She shrugs.
“That’s not why you quit?”
Jinx’s eyes unfocus, her spirit leaves her. The music stops, leaving an eerie and vacant silence. “No.” She glances at Lux, clearly seeing her holding back the follow up. “I promised a kid I’d take care of myself.”
She throws the cigarette away. Not into the sand, thankfully. Just onto the deck. Lux’ll pick it up later. This isn’t the time to chastise littering. She nods. She understands this is another line Jinx doesn’t want to follow, so she changes the subject. “I heard you and Caitlyn have a bit of a rivalry going on.” She hopes it comes off lighthearted. Another song starts to play.
“Yeah…” Jinx says, “I stole her mother. So she steals my sister. Classic.”
“Her mother?” Lux says. Isn’t she dead?
“Long story.”
Another landmine. Is there anything she can ask that won’t lead down such a dark path?
God, she’s horrible at this. What even is this? She wanted to fix things. Maybe cheer her up.
“Jeez, what a buzzkill. Am I right?” She laughs. But this is nothing like the one from earlier. It’s a mess of broken glass and splattered blood. It’s a burnt out engine and a disarmed grenade.
Lux never wants to hear it again.
“No, I-”
“Don’t lie to me.” The snarl again, then exasperation, “My shrink’s got enough ‘it’s gonna be OK’ to last a lifetime.”
Lux sighs defeat. She could really use a therapist herself, if she’s being honest. “Does that help?”
“I don’t know.” She pulls one leg up, “Probably.” Then the other. She holds her knees close to her chest and mumbles the rest, “I guess a little.”
“And it’s just talking?” Lux asks, “I can listen.”
She takes a deep breath, “My parents died so long ago that when I try to remember my mom’s face, it’s just Vi with blue hair.” She chuckles, “Yeah, I’ve teased her about marrying our mom already.” A pause, “Then our adoptive father died and my sister went to prison. I got adopted by a drug lord who also died. Then I found a kid and…” She shudders. “You get the fucking picture.”
Lux’s heart breaks with every sentence, “It’s not your-”
“Don’t.” Her eyes are red but she isn’t crying. She turns back to the water.
Lux interprets it as a dismissal. The conversation’s over. There’s nothing she can say to help here. Everything she tries makes it worse. She’ll simmer in the silence with her. It’s the only thing she can offer. Just… feel with her. It’s not the full story but it’s enough. Enough to convince someone they’re a curse and to name themselves exactly that.
God, she wants to give her a hug.
“Your turn.” She says, out of the blue.
“For what?”
“Drop the trauma bomb on me.” She shrugs, “S’only fair. Hit me.”
Lux pulls her own knees to her chest, “I’ve got nothing on you.”
“No one does. Doesn’t matter. It’s not a competition.”
“I guess…” She sighs, “My parents are really religious.”
“Yikes.”
“And I’m a lesbian.”
“Ah.” The way she says it implies she already knew. Is it really that obvious?
“Yeah.”
“They kicked you out?”
“For all intents and purposes, they’ve erased me from their memories. I wasn’t even out of the house when they removed me from the family pictures.” It still hurts, even after all this time. Even though she hates them. Hates everything they stand for. Hates what they did and most of all what they didn’t do. She still feels the void where a loving family should be. “If it wasn’t for my brother, I’d have ended up on the streets. We’ve fallen out now, something stupid, mostly my fault, but god, I can’t thank him enough for standing up for me.”
“You and I both. Big siblings? Can’t live with em, can’t live without em.”
Lux smiles wistfully, “The worst thing is… Deep down I still feel the shame. I know I’m gay. I’ve known it all my life. But I still feel like I’m wrong .”
“I’m lucky. With Vi around, none of that shit ever mattered. She’s unapologetic about who she is. We had way bigger problems.”
“Her and Caitlyn are…” She shivers, “Wow. I want that.”
“You’ll find it.” Jinx nudges her, “You’re a catch, sunshine.” And it means a lot that she does, even if the touch only lasts half a second.
She buries her face in her knees, “I’ve never even kissed a girl.”
“No way!”
“And the more time passes the more sure I am it'll never happen.” She chokes, “I’m broken .”
“Alright.” She says, straightening up and smiling. It soothes Lux’s heart like nothing else, “Let’s get it over with then.”
“Huh?”
“That means I want you to kiss me.”
“I-” She stutters, “I’d hope my first would be with someone who actually wants to-”
“I said I want to, didn’t I?” She huffs, tilts her head as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “Your hair’s radiant, like a halo. Your make-up’s phenomenal. Your dress hugs you in all the places I want to hug. And you’ve been really nice to me?” She chuckles, “I like you, sunshine. I’d kiss you myself but… I want you to initiate it.”
Lux’s face burns like the sun. Her heart’s in the wringer. Her palms are sweaty. She can’t stop thinking. This must be some elaborate prank. Yeah, that makes sense. Jinx is trying to embarrass her, isn’t she? She can’t tell because every nook and cranny inside her is begging her to believe. “I imagined-” She stutters. Keep talking. Don’t think about doing it because it’s not actually going to happen. “It’d be in a more romantic setting or-”
“To hell with fantasies.” The muffled music fades away again, “This. This is real .” A slow song takes its place, Jinx grins, “Band’s got your back too.” She scooches closer, “You’re coming up with excuses… I know you want to kiss me too” Jinx’s eyes drop for a second, she wets her lips. She leans closer, making it so easy, “So just-” Her hand grabs Lux’s and that’s what does it. Trust.
Lux kisses her. It’s the easiest thing she’s done in her life. It’s the least wrong thing ever. It’s a perfect, romantic burst of want and need. Jinx smiles into her lips and she can’t help but moan. If she could snap a picture of how she’s feeling it'd be a kaleidoscope of colour: red for the heat of her mouth, black and blue and yellow for all the grief and sadness and relief and red again for love. And wow that’s a big word. Too big, too soon, but oh if this isn’t it then what is? She loves this, at least. She could love her. She’s so gay and it’s finally a good thing . This moment of heaven is worth the eternity of hellfire that might await her after she dies. She could die right now and she’d be happy. This is what life is for. She feels it all and there’s nowhere for it to go.
She has to pause to breathe because it’s all so much.
Jinx gently cups her cheeks to wipe her tears away. “I’m going to kiss you again, now.”
“ Please .” And the second time is different and better and the same and oh god she’s being kissed . She’s wanted . She’s smiling and burning up and the tears won’t stop and it’s ruining her makeup and the rings on Jinx’s hands are so cold but she wouldn’t change a single thing.
Jinx pulls away. Lux misses her cotton candy lips and goes back for a third but it’s over too soon because she’s giggling. Oh. She’s addicted.
“You’re a mess.” Jinx teases. But there’s nothing but care in her tone, nothing but adoration in her eyes. Her hand’s back to holding Lux’s.
“ Thank you .” She whispers.
Jinx smirks, but before she can respond another voice interrupts.
“Aw, hell.”
Lux’s heart drops through her stomach to the floor, she tries to pull away but Jinx keeps hold of her hand, “Way to ruin the vibe, Vi.”
“Shit! Sorry.” She says. She still looks stunning in her suit, in a tired and sweaty sort of way. “Lost a bet… is all. You can… Uh. Carry on.” She slides back into the building.
Lux’s stress doesn’t abate. If Vi bet against this then she must not approve of her. She’s ruined the wedding by kissing the bride’s sister. What was she thinking? She has to apologize. Or she’ll disappear and never talk to anyone here again.
“Sunshine, you’re crushing my hand.”
She lets go, and the cold air that greets her sweaty palm shocks her out of it, “S-Sorry.” Oh gosh, what if this was all a ploy for Jinx to scam her sister? She wouldn’t do that, would she?
“I know that look.”
“Was that… real?”
“You’re asking the wrong girl that question.” She sighs, “They’ve been trying to set me up. Don’t you dare tell Caitlyn this, but she has a much better idea of my type than Vi does.” She shakes her head, “If I didn’t like you so much, I’d be so mad about proving her right.”
Lux knows she’s just spent forever kissing her, but that was a whole other forever ago and she was already doubting the whole thing. Hearing her say it again brings the warmth back to her face. She doesn’t want this feeling to end. She has to take this chance while she has it, “Will- Will you go out with me?”
“You’re adorable.” She laughs, “But you gotta try harder than that.” She winks.
Her face must be red as a tomato by now, but she’s finally got it, it’s already a yes, she just needs to… impress her. “There’s a fancy restaurant-”
“No. No fancy shit. What do you actually want to do?”
Lux groans. She doesn’t know! She’s been unhappy her whole life, but never known what to do to get out of it. Except lately she’s realized that’s a lie. She’s almost always known, but the internalized self-hatred and the repression of any feelings her family felt were untoward made her too afraid to be herself. Too afraid to have fun. Too afraid to ask for what she really wants.
There is something she’s kept herself back from. “Pride is next weekend. I wanted to go last year but I didn’t have any friends and was too scared to go alone.” She takes a deep breath and locks eyes with her, “Will you go with me?”
“You have no idea what you just signed up for. Yes. I’d love to pop your pride cherry.”
Lux’s face is a cherry.
“If there’s something you want, take it .” Jinx grabs her by the shoulder and pulls her in, “Especially if someone’s handing it to you on a damn silver platter. You’re like… I know I only just met you, but it feels like you’re constantly standing in your own way.” Jinx lets her go and Lux immediately misses the touch.
She takes it all in. She has a date! With someone she really likes. Someone who likes her back and see s her. Someone so smart, despite all the pain in her life. She deserves so much more than what she’s got. That makes her chuckle, “You should take your own advice.” And she can finally look at her again. Why is it that every time she does, Jinx gets prettier?
She rolls her eyes. “Shut up.” Then it’s her turn to look away.
“I mean it.” She reaches for her hand but decides to stick to proximity, she doesn’t want to overstep.
“I know. You’re right. I just hate feeling this way.”
“For what it’s worth… I believe in you.”
“I’ll think about it.” She means it, and Lux recognizes the huge step Jinx is taking.
“Promise?” And she needs one more thing, “And-and you’ll model for me on our date?”
Jinx looks her in the eyes and smiles, “Deal.”