Work Text:
The blue in front of me that I always wanted
1.
Rue de Cotte, Paris
Taemin doesn’t know why he’s here, when he’s supposed to have flown out in the morning. But the truth he doesn’t want to admit is that he knows why.
He’s been avoiding Kibum blissfully but painfully… riding the high of his world tour while being comforted by the fact that the SHINee members are all in each of their spheres as successful soloists. The avoidance he’s carrying out doesn’t appear as such.
Why is he avoiding Kibum, anyway? Taemin asks himself this question from time to time, and finds that the answers vary. But on this particular night, he is certain of one thing: He’ll take missing the love of his life over presence that is no different from absence because of emotions relentlessly pushed aside in favor of comfort.
When it comes to Taemin, a non-relationship is Kibum’s comfort zone. Or this is at least true for Taemin on days when he’s particularly bitter. Taemin cannot discount the fact that there are times when Kibum is lavish in his affection.
Speaking of lavish, Taemin is sat at a corner table by the window, where he can see the budding evidence of Paris being the city of lights as the sun begins to set. On travels, Taemin almost always goes through some sort of an existential crisis— wracking his brain for the purpose of his existence or of his chosen path as an artist. It used to cause him great distress or anxiety in the middle of a supposedly relaxing trip, but in the recent years he feels calm, as if embracing the mystery of one’s existence is a means to an end that is devoid of regret. There is no ultimate end goal but days to live out with joy or pain, but also with beautiful wonder.
Taemin smiles at the awareness of his age, of how this has gifted him with more sensible insights and a sense of centrifugal stability. When he was younger, he’d never consider going alone to unfamiliar places, even for welcome adventures. His idea of fun was sharing the experience with his best friends. But now he’s basking in the glow of solitary enjoyment. The view outside this Parisian restaurant is both simple and breathtaking, the merlot he is drinking is lush as it swirls inside his mouth, and the seafood pasta… He swears it is the best he’s ever had (although he can admit he is often biased towards Kibum's recommendations).
“The seafood is from the Santorini region, so it’s fresh and really good.” Kibum’s voice sounds off in Taemin’s mind as he takes a mouthful of the pasta noodles that are loosely wrapped around his fork. He licks around his lips that are now even thicker from the sauce, which is pleasantly pasty from the crab innards.
He wishes Kibum was here with him, but not in a mournful way that takes away from the joy of his sweet solo excursion. In fact, it makes him happier and prouder of himself. He can miss Kibum and be glad for it, because in spite of the long journey they’ve traveled as bandmates, friends, and pseudo lovers, the angst that usually comes with pondering on their relationship is a thing of the past.
Taemin has matured, and so has the capacity in which he loves Kibum. In the past, the incessant push and pull they do wears him out; but now, it’s just something that he has accepted he cannot anticipate for each day that comes, like the scorching heat of the sun or torrential rain... basically, the weather conditions in many cities because of global warming. Either way, he’ll be okay.
He gestures for the waiter to refill his wine glass. Taemin is acutely aware that he should be having white wine with his seafood pasta, but he’s not one to always follow rules, especially on matters involving taste. Hell, he eats his meat and kimchi with a bowl of Kellog’s Chex and milk. Besides, Kibum isn’t there to nag him. Not that he dislikes the nagging. Whereas Minho finds Kibum’s nagging unbearably annoying, Taemin sees it as a sport he’ll never be good at but enjoys playing anyway. Whenever Kibum nags him, his eyes are all fierce and the glare it casts is enough for anyone to feel severely criticized for eternity. But the pout he sports is actually just one of the variations of Kibum’s smiles. The pout-smile that is usually reserved for Taemin.
Taemin dumps the last forkful of pasta inside his mouth, and regrets it instantly. He should’ve done it more slowly, more elegantly, as the occasion and venue call for. Then he chuckles softly as he realizes the food is still in his mouth; it’s not like he gobbled it down like a famished crocodile. He then savors it… tasting the comfort of dairy in the cream and cheese and the exquisite flavor of seafood. Taemin closes his eyes and swallows the food, thoroughly satisfied. Then a thought crosses his mind that makes him laugh almost out loud… an imaginary scenario wherein cows and crustaceans are greeting him, like in a fan meeting, and thanking him for being there.
His phone suddenly vibrates and snaps him out of his absurdly hilarious imaginings. It’s a text message from Kibum:
I know you have very little free time so you may not be able to check out the restaurant I told you about SO… come by this Sunday (I found out from Euisoo who found out from Loopy that you’ll be back Saturday) to my place for dinner. I will try my best to recreate their amazing seafood pasta. Please confirm so hyung can wake up very early on Sunday to go to the seafood market. Xx
Taemin’s thumb hovers over the phone icon for calling. Texting with Kibum is never nearly half as fun as talking to him. However, Kibum’s invitation is based on the assumption that Taemin won’t have enough time to visit this restaurant so he’s going to “recreate” their marvelous seafood pasta for him. Lie number two would be being back on Saturday, because he made a last-minute decision to take a later flight so he can dine again here. He’ll just have to upgrade to first-class and get a good sleep throughout his flight so Kibum wouldn’t suspect he’s jetlagged when he appears at his doorstep.
Taemin feels a tingling sensation akin to eating raw oysters with apple cider vinegar, lemon, and Himalayan salt. When was the last time Kibum cooked for him? He suddenly remembers and the tingle is replaced with chill. It was in his former apartment in Seoul Forest. Kibum made him Tuna Tataki before he left for his mandatory military service. The tuna and the salad with fresh strawberries were delicious, but their mini sendoff was disastrous.
He shakes his head in an exaggerated manner to dispel the memories of that day… of how desperate Taemin was for assurance and how Kibum schizo-ed out and introduced three characters in one day: the romantic and shyly affectionate hyung, the ravenous and insatiable sex god, and the cold and abysmally distant Kim Kibum. A lot of time has passed since then, and besides, Taemin kept his distance, especially after leaving SM Entertainment. He knows he has proven to Kibum that he can in fact let go... That he won't perish after he chooses between the devil and the deep blue sea. Taemin has learned to make peace with the vast and uncertain blue stretched out in front of him.
Anyway, Taemin decides Kibum doesn’t need to know he made it here to the Parisian restaurant, and texts back:
See you on Sunday, hyung. Work for the Taemichelin 3-star rating.
2.
Somewhere in Seoul where the Han River isn’t near but it seems connected to the grassy edge of a hill where a three-storey house stands
Kibum chastises himself for the hundredth time, the first time after he sent Taemin the text message. What was he doing bothering the boy who’s on tour? More importantly, what was that casual promise of recreating THAT seafood pasta when he hasn’t tried doing it before?
“Oh. Someone’s desperate to get Taemin to come to his new house.”
Minho’s voice disrupts his thoughts, and the teasing tone annoys him so much that he grabs the tablet from its stand so he can end their call. Then again Minho knows Kibum too well that it’s not just pointless but utterly ridiculous to snap at him just because Minho points out truths.
“What was I thinking? It’s not good ‘ole vongole! I’ve never attempted to incorporate crab innards into my pasta.”
“Kibum, I don’t understand why you’re nervous. It’s Taemin. You can cook him spaghetti with marshmallows and he’ll love it.”
“No, Choi, Taemin’s different these days. He’s been different for quite some time now. You know it’s funny that I used to scold him and tell him to be mature, and now that he has actually matured, it’s unnerving. Yeah, he’s always been candid and frank, but most of the time he runs his mouth to be bratty. Now, he’s just honest about everything, and he says it with his usual sweet smile, but you also know he’s dead serious.”
“Woah woah, the tables have turned! You’re the one who’s terrified of him now!”
Kibum stops polishing the silver utensils he just brought out from the cupboard. Is he terrified of Taemin now? Or is he terrified of himself around the new Taemin? If there’s one thing Kibum hates, it is unwarranted vulnerability.
“Let’s go back to the subject of the seafood pasta.”
Minho chuckles but he knows better than to tease Kibum further when he’s backed in the corner during conversations about Taemin.
“Kibum, you’re an excellent cook. Pasta is your forte too. You will nail it. Especially that it’s for Taemin.”
The sudden seriousness in Minho’s face makes Kibum uncomfortable. Not necessarily in an unpleasant manner, but in a more cautious way. Kibum isn’t quite ready to expose his lingering feelings, so the sudden realization that he's on the verge of blushing makes him panic.
“Minho, I gotta go! My stomach feels funny from the leftover broth I had for breakfast. Bye!”
~
“Hyung, it smells so good!”
Not the first thing Kibum expected Taemin to say the first time he crosses the threshold of Kibum’s new place. The visit is long overdue but they’ve both been so busy.
“You’re early! I’m not done cooking, you brat.”
“Yeah, I came here earlier ‘cause I was thinking you could use some help in the kitchen.”
Oh. Kibum wants to slap himself. Maybe he should do away with old habits involving Taemin, like calling him a brat and actually anticipating the boy to act like one. Because the truth is he’s been seeing tremendous changes in Taemin, and those aren't just fleeting. Taemin has actually undergone changes that make Kibum spiral.
At the moment, the changes he has taken note of give way to one vital and very evident change—
Taemin has picked up the knife and started chopping garlic. The act itself should’ve astounded Kibum, but his eyes zero in on Taemin’s arms. He has discarded the summer button-down satin shirt he was wearing, so now he’s just in a tight white cotton tank. Very tight. His muscular arms are pronouncing their mounds and grooves as Taemin carefully transitions from chopping the garlic to mincing it.
If it were five years ago, Taemin would be making a mess in Kibum’s kitchen right now and pulling all sorts of shenanigans to get on Kibum’s nerves. Kibum specifically remembers Taemin pouring salt on uncooked steak with his forearm pulled back, mimicking this fella who went viral on the internet and was given the nickname salt bae.
But Taemin is confidently chopping garlic and even grabbed the porcini mushrooms to cut into pieces. Kibum is blown away. He noticed, though, that Taemin chopped the head of the first mushroom off, instead of cutting the whole mushroom in half first.
Kibum moves to stand behind Taemin and extends his arms over Taemin’s so he can guide’s the boy’s hands in chopping the mushroom the right way.
“My god, you’re so broad now,” Kibum utters under his breath, as he ends up pressing closer against Taemin’s back to be able to grip his hands comfortably.
“Taemin, I can feel you smiling against my cheek. No, you’re probably controlling your laughter. What’s so funny?”
Taemin chuckles and turns around to face Kibum, causing the latter to step back.
“Hyung, why are you so nervous? Your heart is pounding in your chest. I felt it on my back.”
“Your super broad back.”
This time Taemin laughs, and Kibum doesn’t fail to notice how Taemin’s chest rises and falls rapidly with his laughter. The sight transfixes Kibum that he doesn’t realize Taemin is now standing close to him.
“It’s just a chest, hyung. Here.” Taemin grabs Kibum’s hands and places them flat against his chest.
Kibum knows Taemin reads his mind well when they’re this close and touching, so he abandons the cool façade and shamelessly massages Taemin’s pectorals.
“You actually have boobs now, Taem. Should we go shopping for bra?”
“Wait, let me help you get a handful.”
Taemin discards his tank. The sight of his bare chest makes Kibum feel lightheaded. How many times has he seen Taemin naked, and how many years has it been since Taemin became a man? He’s been in his thirties for a couple of years now, and yet it feels like Kibum is being savagely hit for the first time by the fact that Taemin is now a full-blown man. Nevertheless, he understands that it’s because Taemin’s maturity is now total— physical, mental, and emotional. The last one being the thing that makes Kibum nervous, that’s why he couldn’t answer Taemin’s question earlier.
But at the moment, he’s willing to ditch those worries because Taemin’s naked buff torso is in front of him.
Kibum does get his hands full… caressing and gripping Taemin’s pecs in turns. When his thumbs orbit Taemin’s nipples until they’re hard, Kibum feels a hand thug at the tiny half pony tail behind his head. He knows Taemin is horny when the boy pulls his hair, and Kibum loves a horny Taemin so he lets his head be pulled back and even lets his mouth fall open.
Taemin doesn’t waste time; he crashes his mouth on Kibum and they kiss like it’s a sport that requires full speed and stamina. When their tongues are tangled and swimming in each other’s spit, Kibum pushes Taemin against the kitchen counter and presses his crotch against Taemin’s. They are both wearing jeans so the hardness of their cocks adds to the thickness of denim.
“Hyung, I think we should be making pasta.”
Thankfully, Taemin sounds breathless and looks pained with desire, otherwise Kibum would feel so embarrassed about being unaware that he is already dry-humping Taemin against the counter.
“Well, keep your shirt on!”
Kibum’s voice is stern as usual, but Taemin knows him well enough to recognize his jokes.
3.
Is it a garden or a veranda? Doesn’t matter. What’s important is the view of a zillion bright stars in the black sky.
“Wow, hyung, that was delicious. It’s not one hundred percent similar, but the savory taste of the crab paste is close, and it spreads in the same delicious velvety way on the tongue.”
“First of all, great description. I’m very flattered. It isn’t vongole, so I wasn’t sure of my skills. Second of all, why didn’t you tell me you went to Rue de Cotte? I recreated this dish as a prelude to the real deal.”
“First of all, hyung, you wouldn’t have invited me here to try your version of that pasta. Second of all, your pasta is the real deal. I may even like it better than your favorite in Paris.”
“Okay, thank you. I’ll try not to blush, but hey! Why wouldn’t I invite you here? You haven’t seen my new place. I’m even annoyed that others got to see it before you did. You should’ve been the first one.”
It is Taemin that blushes this time. But he thinks he can hide it by downing the red wine entirely, letting the glass cover his reddening cheeks.
“Oh my god, Taem. I’m sorry I forgot to buy white wine to go with the pasta. I only have reds here at home.”
“You know, when I was at Rue de Cotte, I ordered merlot to go with the seafood pasta. Don’t scold me; I know white goes with seafood, but for some reason I wanted to have red wine with it.”
Kibum reaches across the table to squeeze Taemin’s hand and caress it gently before letting go.
“We’re quite similar in taste, aren’te we, Taem? Look at me making vongole all the time but I never stocked on white wine.”
Taemin smiles brightly at what Kibum said. He looks down at his plate and decides to wipe off the remnants of the pasta sauce with his finger and puts it inside his mouth.
“Ah, well, we’re not exactly similar. Or at least not when you’re being gross like this.”
“You should be happy that I enjoyed your pasta so much I could lick the remaining sauce off the plate.” Then Taemin’s eyes fall on Kibum’s plate, particularly on the leftover sauce.
“Seriously?! Okay, here.” Kibum pushes his plate towards Taemin.
“No, with your finger. Aaahhh…” Taemin opens his mouth wide in anticipation.
There it is— the old silly boy who’s both menacing and adorable.
Kibum smiles at the thought and at how easily he gives in to Taemin. Maybe some things never change.
Kibum drags his finger around his plate until it has collected all remnants of the sauce. He gently sticks his finger inside Taemin’s open mouth. Taemin close his lips on Kibum’s finger and licks the tip before sucking off the sauce. Suddenly, a jolt inside Kibum's pants.
“Let’s go inside, Taem. It’s getting cold out here anyway.”
“What about the dishes? About all these?” Taemin gestures at the items on the table. Kibum realized how elaborately he arranged the table in a romantic al fresco setting, a la Paris. How elaborately he prepared everything for Taemin.
“Let’s just leave it.”
~
Kibum didn’t say it explicitly but when he laid down on the bed on his back and spreads his legs, it was clear he wanted Taemin to top. And who was he to deny Kibum of that? Besides, Taemin’s been working out a lot these days, so he’s more than willing to show Kibum his stamina and the movements of his muscles as he dominates his hyung.
Taemin’s hand is now sleek with lubricant, but before he coats himself with it, he decides to play with Kibum’s cock, which is already stiff and straining against the air. He grips the base first before moving his hand up slowly until he can use his whole thumb to circle around the tip and press on the leaking tiny hole. On the third repetition, mid-shaft, Kibum, who seems to be gasping for breath, grabs Taemin’s wrist with force.
“Stop, baby. I don’t want to come like this. Come on, get inside me.”
Taemin chuckles and strokes his own cock. Aside from the fact that he’s leaking himself, Taemin doesn’t need more lubricant because he has prepared Kibum’s hole with copious amounts of it. This is also why it was so easy, so perfectly smooth, sliding inside Kibum. He stops when he gets to the hilt, grounding himself so he wouldn’t blow his load this soon. Kibum is so tight and so warm around his cock. He missed this. He missed his hyung. It’s been a while since they were alone.
Once Taemin is confident he can perform his duty at the moment at a leisurely pace, he holds himself up against Kibum and starts his swift, solid thrusts… making sure Kibum feels every inch of him but at the same time not giving him even just a second for the sensation to subside.
Taemin fucks Kibum relentlessly, growing more confident and horny as he sees Kibum’s legs flailing before bracketing his hips, and feels Kibum’s hands grasping at the muscles of his arms and chest like he’s so hungry he can eat Taemin’s flesh.
"It's so unfair how beautiful you are, Taemin. Beautiful in every way."
Taemin knows Kibum is close because his cock is red and swelling, so he grabs Kibum’s knees and spreads them further before holding them up high so he can fuck into Kibum’s hole mercilessly. This is the roughest sex they’ve ever had but definitely the best.
Taemin comes and crashes on top of Kibum, but he continues to rock against him. Their bodies are covered in sweat so the slippery slide and the weight of Taemin’s body on him causes Kibum’s cock to release intensely.
Uncaring of body fluids on his new midnight blue linen sheets, Kibum pulls the duvet over them before melting in Taemin’s arms.
“Do you like your new place, hyung? How is it living here?
“I love it. It’s so peaceful. Plus, only a few people know my address. I want to limit the visits.”
“That makes me happy then. Since you invited me here, I must be special. I’ll visit from time to time. But I’ll call first. No surprise visits, I promise. Actually, I think I’m pretty much done with surprises. I do feel old now, hyung.”
They both laugh, Kibum’s more boisterous as expected.
“Seriously, hyung, if I want to visit but you prefer peace and quiet, you can tell me directly. The brat who shows up unannounced is gone for good, I guess.”
“You don’t disturb my peace anymore, Taemin. You’re part of it.”
Taemin shimmies his body downwards so he can rest his head on Kibum’s chest. Like clockwork, Kibum strokes his hair gently.
“Hyung, that’s the best thing you ever said to me.”
“It’s not.”
“Oh yeah? Then what is?”
“Once upon a time, when we couldn’t sort ourselves and our feelings were constantly in haywire, I told you I love you.”
“Oh. But I didn’t believe you.”
“You didn’t. But perhaps, now, you do. The man that you’ve become must believe so.”
“I do. I believe it now, Kibummie-hyung. Thank you.”
"For what?'
"For loving me."
"I'm sorry you ever doubted that. I was hot then cold. Clingy then distant. I think my consciousness summoned so many personalities because I couldn't handle one Lee Taemin. Taemin the great. But let me tell you this... There is no version of me that doesn't love you."
"I like this Kibum best. The one who isn't afraid to say these things. Who doesn't play dumb or pretend he doesn't see or know what I've always wanted."
Kibum rolls over until he's on top of Taemin. He grabs Taemin's hands and pulls it up over his head, then he grabs his phone from the bedside table. Taemin wonders what Kibum will do with his phone, until he feels his wrists being tied together with the lanyard attached to the phone. Taemin bites his own lip and giggles.
"No one knows what you want better than I do, baby."
END
~
BLUE
(Taemin, 2023)
Spinning in place
Even the hesitant steps
Lost heart and soul
Even the darkened hearts
In the flow of seasons
Are small pieces
Now like this, I know, oh-oh, oh-oh
The moment I entrust my body to the wind, yeah
The weighed down heart overflows, yeah
The delicate gestures
Create a dreaming
Oh, your beautiful color blue
A finally unfolded unfamiliar view
Nothing bluer than this
The blue I've always wanted in front of me
Blue, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh
Blue, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh
Blue, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh
Dazzlingly blue
Blue, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh
The blue I've always wanted in front of me
Even the distorted reality
Even the tomorrow more painful than that
The more I lose, the harder it gets
Even if it disappears like a dot
On the laid-out path
Visible in front of me
More fearlessly now, I go, oh-oh, oh-oh
The moment the wind tosses me
The heart overflows as if it might burst (Ooh)
The delicate gestures
Create a dreaming
Oh, your beautiful color blue (Color blue)
A finally unfolded unfamiliar view (Ooh)
Nothing bluer than this (Ooh)
The blue I've always wanted in front of me
Blue, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh
(Your beautiful color blue)
Blue, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh
(A finally unfolded unfamiliar view)
Blue, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh
Dazzlingly swaying
Blue, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh
My own blue filled with light