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Dear Wally,
I wish you were a woman so you could be here
Are you still in love with
I know we haven't talked that much one on one but
I don't know if I could actually talk about it face to face
I apologize in advance for my lettering. My "grip" (if it can even be called that) on the pen needs to be incredibly light in order not to rip apart the paper. Or the pen itself.
Gar is stable. Recuperating is probably too strong a word but I know Paula is doing the best she can. I can't believe I am saying this, but I miss his bad jokes and obnoxious remarks, if not the chauvinist ones. But he has time to learn. He has to have more time because he is even younger than the two of us. Do you ever think about that? I thought I understood that with how juvenile he acts at times, but being forced to witness as his heart stilled inside his chest... And yet he has been putting on a mask* for just as long as us, if not longer. Mask is perhaps the wrong word, as he isn't even able to maintain a civilian identity
*the tights
Is that why you put down the mask? Did you already know how close to death we come with each and every mission? The hardest part is always holding back. By Hera, the world seems so frighteningly fragile, Wally. Buildings can crumble as easily as a paper tissue. If I'm not on guard at all times a simple shove could break bones. Death feels so far away when you know your enemies are only experiencing a fraction of what you are capable of. Although I suppose it might be different with super speed.
Do you think you would have returned to the business if Raven hadn't
Is it bad to say that I'm relieved that she
The doom patrol
I never considered that my own strength might be used against me in that way. It is the one thing I could always rely on. Hyperion It feels worse than what The Puppetteer did. At least I have no memories of my his actions then. You know I held back while fighting for Hyperion? The Puppet Master didn't know to do that. Kori said later that none of my blows had ever been that powerful before. But I only stopped controlling my strength when fighting immortals, who I know for sure can take it. That means that it was me. I can recall it all. I remember why I chose and acted as I did. I still It was still me. At least The Puppetteer didn't use my voice and my mind and my heart and my strength.
I feel violated
I still love
Would it be odd to ask which form of mind control you preferred? Or minded less would probably be more accurate. (MINDed, get it? Gods I hope Gar's health starts improving soon...).
Do you
Raven assures me it was not my fault. She admires me for how I am able to follow my heart. She said she trusts me more for it. Can you believe this, Wally? And the worst part is that I know she means what she said. Did anyone ever explain to you how I escaped The Puppetteer's grip? I wasn't able to save myself the way that you It was Raven. She truly is an exquisite woman, without a doubt a better person to love than She draped her very soul over my body, until she completely covered the outside world. All I could feel was her. I don't even know how to begin to describe it, Wally. For a moment it felt like I was one with her very essence. I saw the world as she does, felt her flowing through my very veins. She loves us, Wally, so much. And that includes you. I secretly fear that any kind of intimacy will now fall short when compared to what Raven allowed me to glimpse.
I apologize if that last paragraph hurt you, but I can not bring myself to cross it out. If anyone deserves my honesty it is Raven, I am sure you understand. I feel like Koriand'r is ignoring me, I don't know why. She didn't shut you out, did she? Everyone tells me that I shouldn't blame myself. That I made the correct choices when it mattered. That seems contradictory to me: am I responsible for my actions or not? I bet no one ever told you these things. Your actions under mind control were good, after all. Do you ever wonder if you would have done the right thing without Raven? What is the big difference between you and me, really, besides the fact that the side I got seduced to was the wrong one?
That was uncharitable and not true. I feel like I know Raven better than I do myself, even if that moment lasted for less than a minute. She has such a clear idea of who and what she is. Even if it is wrong, I can't help but be envious of her certainty.
I understand that it was a different situation - as I am sure you do, too. I can not bear it when other people say bad things about Hyperion. I still feel so strongly for him, even if I know that this love is not true whatever that means. I try picturing what it would be like, if everyone was understanding of him instead. If he was so quick to be forgiven by my friends and everyone agreed it was the correct course of action. If I still could had to see him every day.
Sometimes I think you have it worse, Wally.
My mind is all over the place. It feels like my soul is poking at all parts of my brain at once, as if to ensure that there aren't any other outside influences. The scary thing is, Wally, I still understand my decisions. If the same thing happened again, I don't know if I would act differently.
Did you know that I can not remember my childhood? I know my parents died, and that I was taken in by the Amazons, but everything before Paradise Island is completely gone. Hyperion promised to restore my memories after we won
I know you had a life before the lightning. You already were someone when you stepped into the costume. I only ever knew myself in the context of an Amazon. It is part of the reason I chose to leave: I needed to know who I am on my own. I often think about that young little Donna. Did she wish to be a photographer? Would she be proud if she could see her future self? Sometimes it is my civilian identity that feels like the mask. Can you truly know yourself if you don't have a past? I'm not sure I know how to want.
Loving him was so simple and easy
I can't bring myself to quit Wonder Girl is was the one constant in my life for as long as I remember, that along with my strength. If I do not have a past, and I can not trust my present, what even am I?
i think i resented you for forcing me to acknowledge the possibility.
I am angry scared restless wrong angry. By Zeus I am so furious Wally. Do you know how many pencils have already snapped in my hand despite my best efforts? I hate that others saw me like that. I hate that I can not look at Raven quite the same way and I hate that she might know it. I hate how much I love him. Even now I wish to go to Tartarus and feel his arms around me. I miss his eyes, holding the intensity of the sun itself. I miss how simple everything felt, how even that nagging doubt that lives within me every day got easier to ignore. I miss being so sure of someone. When I was with Hyperion I didn't feel like there was a divide between Donna the girl and Wonder Girl the hero. I did not have to hold in my strength. Do you know what a relief it is, not having to be so tense all the time? Maybe I should ask Victor for another massage...
Wally I fear you might be a stronger person than me. How did you tear yourself away from Raven when she was right there? How can you look her in the eye? How did you go back to your civilian self, not even being allowed the little you are able to show while in costume? If I saw Hyperion now I don't know if I would kiss or hit him. I crave violence. I have a constant headache from gritting my teeth. The anger is so tiring. Doubting my own thoughts and feelings is so tiring. Holding back all the time is so indescribably tiring.
Do you still love Do you still love R Do you still love Rave
Do you still love Raven?
I fear I have lost Ariadne's thread, if there ever was one in the first place. I regret not getting to know you better. Regardless of whether I decide to send this letter, I know I want to rectify that. I hope that you have not been met with any more catastrophes. I look forward towards all of us reuniting again (and when I say all I mean it. Gar will be fine.)
Love,
Wonder Girl Donna Troy