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Focus Solar orders himself again as his mind wanders back to the overseer. He needs to focus on the blue prints, moping won’t help. He needs to work. Solar turns his attention back to his tablet, twirling his drawing pencil between his fingers. Lit up in front of him is his current project, some blueprints for a new weapon in his arm. He thought about just doing the arm-canon again, he still has the blue prints saved for them, but that's pretty lethal and he’d feel hypocritical if he told Jack to not kill anyone, and then pull out a laser gun.
It was just a trip to the park so Jack could play with kids. A break for both of them,it was a nice day. It was going to be a nice day. That is until a man- a something- twice my size tries to kill me. Saying I have to die. Hunting me-
Solar shakes his head, dropping his drawing pencil onto his bed as he sits up.
“God damn it” He murmurs, running a gloved hand down his face. The memory is burned into his brain. He’s no stranger to having people hunting him, no one in the family is, which is a terrible thought. But it was never like this. Never as cold as this. Solar’s used to anger, he doesn’t know how to handle indifference.
Solar almost wishes the Overseer hated him. Being hated is easy. How is he supposed to react to someone just wanting him dead because of a job? People trying to kill him without knowing him? The overseer knowing everything about him? He doesn't get it.
I didn’t even do anything this time.
At least when Moon hunted him it was because he killed their brother. It made sense, Solar did something wrong. Solar did something wrong so Moon hated him. His Moon was angry. Moon was desperate. Moon was just pitiful.
Sure he hunted Solar but at least then Solar deserved it - No. No I didn’t deserve it then. Moon was wrong. It was Sun’s choice. He didn’t…
Even if Moon was violent, even if Solar didn’t deserve it (he’ll keep repeating that until he fully believes it) . Even if Moon was hunting Solar for almost the exact same reason, Solar understands. He always understood Moon.
His monty had a similar reason, Solar supposed, though he Solar doesn’t feel as much sympathy for the british gator. Monty knew exactly what to say and who to threaten to get Solar to do what he wants. To kill Moon, kill Sun, kill Cosmo. He could do it too, Monty had the resources to do whatever the fuck he wanted. Unfortunately for Monty, an Eclipse killed them before he could. Still, even if Solar really doesn’t like his Monty he understands.
When Solar left there was no one taking care of the daycare. No one taking care of the kids. No one to clean up after Moon’s more… destructive tantrums. The daycare fell apart pretty quickly, and all of the money Monty was making off of Solar’s work disappeared pretty quickly too.
He always knew Monty would get revenge if he stopped doing well, everything. It was no surprise Monty would try to kill him with no Sun or Moon to target.
Unlike with Moon, Solar has never and will never sympathize with his Monty. Monty was an idiot, sure, but he was also a rich asshole who used everything he could to make the world an even more miserable place than he found it.
Still, Solar wished it wasn’t him who had to kill him. Wished he never returned to his dimension after leaving. Regardless, despite not liking his Monty, Solar doesn’t hate him really, He’s not surprised he tried to kill him. Monty was a man of his word after all.
Solar groans and drops his tablet onto his bed. He’s thinking about it again. He can’t help but compare this situation to his old one. His old dimension hurt more to think about, but at least it made sense. In its own messed up way it made sense to him.
Solar stretches his arms over his head and slides off the bed. He’s not going to get anything done at this rate. Just a quick walk to get some water, Solar reasoned with himself. To force my mind back to the present.
He can’t afford to reminisce on his old dimension. If it were up to Solar he’d never have to remember it. It feels wrong to try and ignore it when he’s the only survivor of his dimension. He’s the only one left who can remember it and he chooses not to. How typical. How selfish.
Solar tiptoes out of his room. The lights are turned off and if Solar looks out the window he could see the stars shining down, barely lighting up the living room. He couldn’t have been working that long could he have? What time is it?
A quick check of his internal clock shows it just hit 1:00 am. When did that happen?
He sighs and opens the fridge, it’s too easy on a normal day to get lost in his mind sometimes, let alone the day after meeting the person who already sent three people to murder him, three he knows about at least.
They could have killed him.
This could have been over. finally over.
That’s another thing Solar doesn’t understand, why in the world would Cosomo spare him? Cosmo tried to explain, or at least Solar thinks he was trying to explain, but Solar was just so angry. He doesn’t want to listen. He doesn’t want to understand. He wants the overseer dead-
Focus Solar scolds himself. Stop being immature and focus
Solar sighs to himself and flops onto the couch, ignoring the bitter voice in his head. He hates to admit it, but it hurt, hurt so much that Cosmo spared him. It’s been a while since Solar felt this alone.
At least he isn’t the only target, the Overseer wants Ruin dead too. And for good reason, who doesn’t want Ruin dead after what he did? He can understand that.
Solar doesn’t care much what happens to Ruin, or about Ruin in general, he doesn’t tend to think of the eclipse unless he’s right in front of him. Ruin probably deserves to die anyway. Solar paused, slowly sitting up.
Death was very… peaceful. He understands that he’s a special case but still, he likes to think this is what everyone gets when they die. All his worries seemed to disappear. He didn’t feel guilt or despair, just peaceful, calming, nothingness… Solar almost misses it.
Ruin hasn’t earned that peace.
Solar shakes his head, focus Solar. He tries to avoid thoughts like this but it’s impossible on days like this. Days where he can't seem to stay in the present
He almost hopes the Overseer does try to kill Ruin, with any luck Ruin or Tigerrock will kill him and Solar won’t have to deal with any of this anymore (Solar can’t help but feel sick that Ruin's more reliable then his brother in this instance). That or Overseer will kill Ruin which will also solve one of Solar's problems, though he’d prefer the former.
Solar doesn’t hate Ruin, which in itself confuses Solar. If there was anyone Solar would be justified in hating it’d be Ruin. Out of everyone that has hunted or tried to kill Solar, Ruin was the one to succeed.
Still, even though he killed him and even though Solar disagrees strongly with what he did… he sees the logic. It’s hard to hate someone he understands. Ruin killed a group of bad people and took billions down with him, but in his mind he was saving trillions.
Ruin is a bad person. He doesn’t value life, just like the overseer, and killed innocents in his own messed up form of justice. Maybe the difference is Ruin didn’t try to kill the creator council for just living. He targeted them because they wanted to destroy everything.
He doesn’t get it.
Solar sighs, he’s tired of thinking at this point. Solar has never hated people easily. He’s been hunted, abused, and killed and yet, Solar only hates two people. Nexus and the creator.
Out of everyone that has ever tried to hurt Solar and his family, hating Nexus feels so wrong and so right at the same time. Nexus threatened him. He threatened his family. He threatened his son.
Nexus reminds Solar of his own Moon, except turned to 100. Or maybe Nexus just had more resources. More time to snap. Solar can’t help, no matter how much he tries to stop thinking about it, that this is what his Sun would think of his Moon if he did come back. He’d feel this hatred, this disgust, this confusion… so much confusion.
Nexus only threatened to kill him to get to Sun. Solar knew he stopped mattering to him a long before that awful day, but still… Still, when Nexus was ready to kill him only to make Sun suffer, Solar only felt pity. Solar could recognize that anger and desperation from anywhere… Nexus really is just like his Moon.
Solar takes a sip of his water, forcing his tired mind away from the messy thoughts of Nexus. As much as he hates Nexus he can't help seeing his brother… his cousin…
His friend. When he thinks of him. He doesn’t want to think about any of this anymore.
Solar is just tired. He’s tired of being hunted. Of emphasizing with his hunters. He’s tired of desperate, angry people taking it out on him. He’s tired of being an afterthought in a bigger plot.
He's tired of the guilt. He's tired of hurting people. He is so tired of killing people
Thinking didn’t help. He’s still confused, angry, and exhausted. He just wants it to end already. He wants to stop worrying about everything with the Overseer, everything with Ruin. He wants that peaceful feeling again. He wants to sleep. He just wants to leave. He just wants to di-
“Dad?”
Solar’s head snaps up, now taking in everything around him. It’s darker now, his water bottle is crushed in his hand with icy water running down his arm. “Damnit” Solar whispers under his breath, placing the water bottle on the coffee table and wiping his arm on his pants
Solar finally looks over to Jack. Jack stands confused with his head slightly tilted, he grips foxy tightly, as if he’s scared the doll will disappear if he lets go. “Jack? What are you doing awake?”
Solar checks his inner clock
1:36 AM
Solar cringes inwardly. 36 minutes he’s been drowning in his own self-pity . He could have done things in that time, he could have finished the blueprint. God what would his Sun say if he could see him right now? Who does he think he is calling other people pitiful when he’s like this?
Focus
“Couldn’t sleep.” Jack walks over to the couch, for once not running and jumping everywhere, before sitting down on the floor in front of it looking up at Solar. “Are you okay?” Jack asks, Solar sighs then nods and ruffles Jack's hat “Yeah, I’m alright, just couldn’t sleep either?” Jack clearly doesn’t believe him, he’s oddly perceptive at times. Eventually he gives and leans back, resting his head on Solar's knee
“You wanna talk about it?” Solar asked quietly. Jack shakes his head no, tightening his grip on the plush. Solar hums in response. Nightmares then. Solar hesitates for a moment ( would it even help? Does he want a hug?) then reluctantly slides to the floor and hugs his son. “How about we try going to bed again?” He asks as gently .There's silence for a long moment then a hesitant nod and Solar lets out a sigh of relief. He doesn’t know what he’d say if Jack wanted to stay up
Solar stands up slowly, making sure Jack is in a comfortable position before he walks over to his room. He lays Jack down onto the bed and Jack curls into a small ball. Solar smiles and flicks off the light before laying down next to him. “Goodnight Jack” He whispers as Jack scoots closer, one hand holding Foxy and the other grabbing his arm. Solar presses a kiss to the top of his sons head and can barely hear Jack mumble back a goodnight
This. This is why he can't give up. This is why he has to focus, this is what he has to focus on
He’s failed Jack so many times already and he wants to just give up? Does he think that will make his Sun proud? Will this prove his Moon wrong? Stubid, God he’s being Stubid
He can worry about everything else later. He’s been allowed to live a second time and he’s not about to let some weird animatronic he’s only met once decide he doesn’t deserve it. He deserves to live. He is going to live.
Solar picks up his tablet again.
He is going to live.
No matter what.