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Ruth's house is so empty it hurts, and everything is dead. Even the sounds of animals are just imitations of what they used to be. Megabyte wants to run out of there screaming that no, he's not dead, he's alive.
He saw her obituary in the paper - a lousy way to learn about something like this - and knew to come here even though part of him wanted so badly to stay away.
Megabyte finds him at the kitchen table, solemn and tall, dressed in a dark suit with an expensive tie that makes him look so beautiful and unreal and grown up. He looks sophisticated and polished, wearing a dour expression on his sharp, foxy face. He guesses in those few years, Kevin grew up. No more itchy school blazers or dirty tennis shoes. Oh, yes, he grew up.
When he sees Megabyte there is no shock in his eyes. In fact, he looks like he was waiting all along for Megabyte to arrive.
"I should have told you when the funeral was," he says to Megabyte, sipping his tea. And he stops meeting Megabyte's eyes at all.
"It would have been awkward," he answers, quietly, and sits down across the table from Kevin.
"It was peaceful, she was in no pain," Kevin tells him, and not that Megabyte would have asked. It scares him too much, being here near Kevin. He's kept it all quiet since then, buried it inside, and underneath a trail of deceptive relationships, carefully sprinkled clues. There's no evidence. Nobody can accuse him of looking at another man's body and needing.
Except Kevin. He knows, because he was the one who woke that need up. The one who keeps that little dragon in the pit of Megabyte's stomach always growling, keeps that insistent heat stoked even when it's down to embers and near ashes. He's never said anything, never commented on that curious kiss a long time ago, never threatened to tell. His silence is the most terrifying thing.
But now Ruth is dead and it behooves Megabyte to endure some terror for the good of his friend. Because beyond the aching feelings and the belly-deep fear, there's still just his friend. Just Kevin. Partner-in-crime, fellow Tomorrow Person, schoolmate, confidante.
Megabyte isn't sure which one of them decided drinking would be a good idea. He's not sure when he started feeling so heavy. He look across at Kevin, still amazed that he's Kevin. The mind that he senses, the ever present iridescent being, that's never changed, not really. Aged some, refined itself, grown, but the essentials are all there. The eagerness, excitability, the steadfast, unspoken loyalty, the intrepid survivalist. The container however, is very different.
His eyes are grayer, and Megabyte remembered a very pure kind of blue. He looks so sleek, so completely secure. There is none of the baby fat or the scarecrow skinniness of his teen years. There is, instead, sleek, firm, compact *man*. Megabyte is forced to confront the fact that Kevin is now a man.
An equal, capable of doing everything Megabyte can. A man who does not need protecting like he did in school, or to be sat near, silently and given some mysterious comfort that Megabyte doesn't understand.
"I think I should change my name," he say to Kevin, smiling. Because he can't take how heavy *everything* is. This place. Ruth being dead. His own body. Kevin's eyes on me. He's just not built to deal with all this *emotion*.
"Back to Marmaduke?" he asks smiles in that way that *dirty* and he needs to stop. "What, don't want to be Megabyte anymore?"
"Nah. He's kind of a jerk. I never did like Megabyte. He walks around all day and people think I'm him and it's just not cool," Megabyte tell him and realizes how completely psychotic it sounds.
"Does he do things you don't like?" Kevin. Okay, he's playing along. This could be good. Or maybe it's the liquor. The one bottle of a Guinness atop that Megabyte's had. Oh, the agony of finding you're a *really* cheap date! Megabyte does not want to laugh into the funereal atmosphere of the place, but he can't help it. He's laughing anyway before he can think to control himself.
"Really, it's a lousy name. I don't like video games. Or computers. The whole Megabyte thing, it's a huge misnomer." Megabyte feels like he should get a gold star for both knowing that word and using it *correctly* in a sentence. Forget that he's lying right now.
"I gave you that name," Kevin says and Megabyte cannot miss how *sad* those words were. Or how Kevin tries to hide it, but he can't hide behind the suit and silk tie and pretend like Megabyte doesn't know that he cares. Even back then, when he was ten. That he didn't just beam when Megabyte took what Kevin gave him and made it his *name*.
Hell, he signs documents that way. Has name tags from jobs reading 'Megabyte'. It's even on his mailbox. Save tax forms and financial things, that's how all the world knows him. So he can't act like it's nothing. He's fucking well *Megabyte* for him. For Kevin. Because of Kevin.
That is a deep thought that Megabyte immediately pushes away with his old friend, Mr. Joke. "Don't worry, I won't ask for a refund," he says. He refuses to comfort Kevin and tell him how much it really meant. If he doesn't know, well, Megabyte didn't come here to take care of all his adolescent insecurities. Not his job. He analyzes computers, not people.
He came here because. Yeah, because.
"You don't even know why you came here, do you?" Kevin says, pushing his bottle of Guinness aside. Oh, *now* he decides to be psychic.
"The whole 'Ruth died' thing has something to do with it," Megabyte answers with a vein of very mean sarcasm. And he feels sorry a split-second after.
And just to be smart, Kevin gets up and gives Megabyte *another* beer. And just to be smarter, Megabyte drinks it. Why, Kevin, are you trying to get me drunk? he thinks, and sincerely hopes that Kevin does not pick up on that thought. Or maybe he does. Maybe he's angry because it's been years since that kiss and Kevin hasn't seen fit to say anything at all. Anything. And maybe when your best friend takes that kind of risk and opens up and does something and basically puts his life - yeah, his life - in your hands, you owe him some kind of a response. Something, anything. Even if it's just, "Your breath stinks."
"Adam and Ami didn't come," he mentions, again with the 'I'm hurt, but I'm trying not to show it' thing that he's not good at what so ever. Kevin has no poker face. Megabyte gives him a shrug. "You shouldn't have, either," he says, like he's gotten an answer to a question that he didn't even ask. And didn't like it.
"Well, I *did*," Megabyte reminds him, in case maybe his vision is failing and he doesn't see the big Megabyte-shaped person in front of him. Who is clearly *there*, *with him*. Putting up with a lot of old, old hurt just to be here.
"Why?"
"Well, you just said I didn't know that."
And the apology written all over Kevin's face is just too much for a moment. "Didn't mean to make you chase your tail."
He said tail. And no, Megabyte doesn't mean to laugh like a huge big goofball, it just comes out that way. "But it's kind of fun when you catch it."
And Kevin smiles at him, like maybe he loved Megabyte very intensely for a moment because he said something really funny.
"You're my friend. Just because you don't hang out at the Ship, doesn't mean I forgot. Besides. If one of my family died, you'd show up," Megabyte continues, a little more sober for the thought that it might almost - in the sense of not really - be worth it if Millicent got hit by a bus so Kevin could come dressed in that sinfully gorgeous suit. Well, you have sisters for a reason. And Megabyte is totally going to send her flowers just for thinking this and not care if she doesn't know why.
"We're friends," Kevin replies and the disappointment might as well be broadcast on the BBC because there is no secret about it and his efforts are really wasted. The bittersweetness hurts. Because Megabyte senses the amount hope coming from him. Like he wants to touch. It feels like he's been punched, because now Kevin's not even attempting to hide that he's hurt.
Telling himself this is just grief from Ruth is useless. Because Megabyte knows so much better. They're Tomorrow People, it doesn't work that way. They don't get to misunderstand each other, not on *this* deep a level.
"What else would we be?" Megabyte asks, and didn't meant it like that. Or maybe he did, and that thing in him, that *Kevin* woke up is taking over. Part of him is really hoping Kevin'll say that when he walked through that door that something happened. That he didn't forget that they didn't stop, even after Kevin walked away.
Yes, Kevin was fourteen at the time. Megabyte was eighteen. But then Kevin was sixteen, Megabyte was twenty. Then Kevin was twenty and Megabyte was twenty-four. And now Kevin's twenty-six and Megabyte is thirty and somehow they're both adults - god, when did *that* happen? - and in all those years, he hasn't said anything. How could he not say anything, how could he just flutter off after something like that.
And yet, Megabyte keeps coming back and Kevin keeps drawing him. That can't be *nothing*. That has to be worth saying *something*.
"I'm tired," Kevin says, rubbing his face. Megabyte forgets he's had two beers also. And a wake. A funeral. A hundred complicated details. Everyone's fake condolences. "I'll take all of the junk off the bed in Ruth's bedroom if you want to stay the night. Or the couch. If that makes you uncomfortable. I'm sorry that everything here's such a wreck."
"You want me to?"
"Actually, yes," Kevin says, like it kind of surprised him. Like he tried a teaspoon of it to see if he still liked it and found he really did. He sort of wobbles when he gets up, and starts walking to the back bedroom.
"You don't have to." Megabyte stops him. "You've got a queen sized bed in there. Come on. You don't have anything I don't have more of."
Kevin laughs but says nothing which makes Megabyte even angrier because he's tired and tipsy and just wants Kevin to say something. But he tells himself that this is hardly the time and Kevin keeps walking down the hall. Megabyte turns back to throw the beer bottles away and straighten up the kitchen before going into the darkened bedroom, distance gives him a little bit of relief. He can avoid what he wants and doesn't want and how it still confuses him.
When he can't avoid it any longer because his body is telling him that he needs sleep now, he finds Kevin on the side of the bed he usually likes, but he's entitled. Kevin is shirtless and already half asleep, Megabyte senses how he's in one of those half-dreams, somewhere between here and sleep but not all the way.
He's blue and pale in the light from the window and he looks. Beautiful is too little a word. He's Kevin. Broken and bright and he still cares about the small things. And he wants Megabyte near him now, and here Megabyte is begrudging him comfort because of kid's stuff. Maybe he never says anything about it. Geez, this Megabyte guy really is a jerk, Megabyte thinks as he strips off his shirt and pants and socks, folds them on the dresser carefully, leaving him in a thin tee shirt and boxer briefs.
Part of him wants to run his hand down Kevin's shapely arm that's thrown over his chest. Part of him wants to wrap Kevin up in blankets and make this stop happening to *Kevin*.
So carefully, Megabyte climbs into the bed and presses himself against the wall. And he prays he won't touch any of Kevin's skin in the night. He shouldn't even think about this, because Kevin is tired and overwrought. Hell, he's tired and overwrought and forcing this issue on Kevin at this time would be heinous. More than heinous. Unforgivable.
Megabyte thinks about Ruth in the hospital, frail with pale, wrinkling, loose skin like paper, and thinks about what Kevin must have seen and gone through, caring for the one person who ever cared for him. And the thoughts, they're suddenly not a problem. That ache and twist is about what Megabyte needs, and he realize that his own needs mean nothing right now.
Kevin needs. That's the only point, ever.
{Kevin,} he telepaths, waking Kevin's mind up just for a little. Because he realizes he hasn't said the words yet. {I'm really sorry about Ruth.}
Megabyte remembers Ruth giving them very bad porridge and how much they all liked her. Her house was a safe place to land. She got used to the teleporting, and so did the animals. She would offer you breakfast and free advice and she was forthright, never playing games like a lot of adults did. He remembers being really grateful for the straight shooting and the porridge.
{Thank you for remembering her that way,} Kevin 'paths back, turning over so they're facing each other. Megabyte shuts his mouth quickly and tries not to let his breath catch audible. Kevin's eyes are open and he's looking at Megabyte so intently.
In a way two men shouldn't.
Or should. If they both mean it.
{Megabyte,} Kevin telepaths, like a feather running over Megabyte's brain. {It's okay, if we touch.}
Shame and fear and relief fight each other fiercely. Kevin must be doing this for Megabyte's sake, and he realizes. This isn't what *Kevin* wants, but he needs someone to stay so he's willing to lay back, let it happen just to keep someone around. The thought stings hard. Megabyte knows right then he needs to go, no matter how much his body tells him he needs to stay. Something is going to have to break. Either he leaves, or.
{I need it too,} he tells me. {That first time, it...bothered me. A lot.}
{Because it was your first?} Megabyte guesses. He holds tight to the pillow and tries to keep himself steady. Finally, finally, Kevin is talking about it.
Kevin snickers. {Megabyte, I hate to tell you this, but you were not my first bloke kiss.}
Megabyte doesn't know if he wants to die of embarrassment or explode at the crotch or what. {Then why?}
{'Cause I knew I was yours. I thought you were just usin' me 'cause you thought I was safe, not because you actually wanted me}
The shuddering breath that comes across between them belongs to Megabyte. It is not one of arousal, but weariness and frustration. {You couldn't have said this, like, ten years ago?}
{Sorry. It hurt. I knew I liked blokes for a long as I could remember. I followed you around because I had the biggest crush on you. I kissed you because I wanted it, but I left because I knew you didn't want me.}
{Then you're a lousy telepath,} Megabyte telepaths, full of anger and frustration and need that is aching because his cock is already half-hard with Kevin being so near and so warm and for the first time in so long, maybe something could really happen. {I kissed you because I wanted it to be you. I could've kissed anyone. Hell, Adam probably would have let me!}
They both share a lot of laughter at that thought, thinking of Adam patiently letting Megabyte make out with him even though it's well known that Adam is as straight as straight gets. But when the laughter is over, they're left staring at each other across the sheets. Kevin isn't just giving permission, he's asking. Megabyte reach, slow and carefully, like this all might run away from him if he makes a sudden move, across the bed and lays his hand on Kevin's arm. Warm skin and solidness underneath his hand, and he's shaking with it. Yes. This is *Kevin*. This is Kevin needing him.
Kevin moves in the darkness, his mouth over Megabyte's too quickly for Megabyte to think that maybe he shouldn't. Shouldn't doesn't exist anymore. Yes, there's need. Need to touch, to know, to make sure that nothing is between them anymore. And Kevin kisses. Megabyte grunts, groans into that mouth and pulls close and stops caring about anything that isn't him getting closer to Kevin.
{I don't think I can tonight,} Kevin telepaths. But he's quick to add. {Because I'm tired, and beer. Definitely beer.}
Megabyte realizes then that he probably couldn't either, even if he is sort of hard. He slides closer and nuzzles very close to Kevin's hair and kisses him soft and he finally gets to run his hand up and down that arm. Megabyte will wrap him blankets now, and lay him down later. There will be a later, Kevin will always call him back, always. Kevin's breath winds down until it's deep, and Megabyte senses that he's floating into sleep. But there's nothing between them now but skin.
And that's all that's acceptable, because Kevin needs it just that way.
Kevin closes his eyes.
Megabyte keeps his open for a long, long time that night.