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Hikaru startled as the train pulled out of the station, shaking his head slightly after the initial shock before gazing intently out the window as the mountains faded from view. His enthusiasm caused a smile to curl at the corner of Yoshiki’s lips, but he quickly corrected his face to his usual ennui.
Get a grip, Yoshiki. You know this isn’t real.
”Whoa, it’s so cool, isn’t it Yoshiki?” Hikaru gaped, only tearing his attention away from the window to look across to Yoshiki. His eyes shone with curiosity, in disbelief of the changing landscape.
Yoshiki tilted his head slightly towards the glass to please Hikaru. He flicked his eyes at the passing scenery and replied, “yeah, it’s cool, I guess.”
Hikaru scoffed at him. “I guess? What do you mean I guess? Look at how beautiful it is.”
Rolling his eyes and mumbling profanities under his breath, he looked out the window again.
“Look at the houses, they’re so modern around here. And did you see that garden? It was the size of park!” Hikaru breathed, a smile spreading across his face. “And look at the sun, it’s so golden! It makes everything look like a painting.”
As Yoshiki stared out wordlessly, he tried to envision it from Hikaru’s perspective. He had never seen any of this, everything which seemed mundane to him was pure excitement to Hikaru. It was strange, but oddly amusing at the same time. It was a really odd insight into Hikaru, watching him experiencing things for the first time.
”We’re getting off at the next stop,” Yoshiki mumbled after some time had passed as he zipped up his coat. “Be ready to get off at the next stop.”
Yoshiki rose from his seat as soon as the train pulled into the station and started to make his way to the exit.
“Yoshiki, look here!” Hikaru called eagerly as the doors opened to disperse passengers.
He was crouched down on his knees beside a dog, an angry terrier who snarled as Hikaru tried to get close enough to pet him. Its owner tugged on its lead indignantly and threw Hikaru a dirty look.
“We’re leaving now!” Yoshiki reached for Hikaru’s hand and pulled him to his feet before dragging him in the direction of the door, apologising as he shoved through the crowds of people. The pair of them has just slipped out the door when it shut firmly behind them, the train departing moments later.
”That was fun,” Hikaru said with a light laugh, evidently unstressed about nearly being stuck on the train until the next station.
Yoshiki looked down at their hands still clasped together from the ordeal. His heart skipped a beat when he realised he held Hikaru’s hand in his, a warmth rippled through him. He wondered if he could possibly hold on for a bit longer.
He shook his head. This can’t be true. It isn’t real.
He quickly let go of Hikaru’s hand and busied himself in zipping up Hikaru’s coat. “You’ll freeze if you don’t use your coat,” Yoshiki nagged as he adjusted the jacket.
”Wow, cold hearted Yoshiki actually cares about me,” Hikaru joked, elbowing Yoshiki in his ribs.
”Ouch,” he muttered.
”Stop complaining, I know that didn’t hurt. Your coat doesn’t just protect against the cold, it protects against elbow attacks.”
Yoshiki rolled his eyes. “Whatever. The beach is this way.”
The beach was empty of all other people, the only sound was the constant crashing of the waves against the shore and seagulls circling overhead. It was eerily calm, it felt as though it was unnaturally quiet, like a clatter of thunder would sound overhead it’s any given moment.
The grey clouds parted for a glimmer of sun to shine down on the crunchy sand scattered with stones.
“Whoa,” Hikaru gasped as he spun around slowly and soaked up the view. It wasn’t the nicest Yoshiki had ever seen the beach but seeing Hikaru enjoy it so intensely made up for it.
As Hikaru’s mouth hung open at the sights of the roaring waves, a genuine smile spread across Yoshiki’s face, a smile he didn’t try to eradicate.
Hikaru made him feel this way, this version of Hikaru made his feelings complicated, a confused mess he was willingly tangled in. This Hikaru made him lie awake at night thinking about him. This Hikaru made him blush so easily for reasons Yoshiki couldn’t understand.
But he couldn’t think like that about Hikaru. Hikaru was just his friend after all. He couldn’t indulge in such fantasies, he couldn’t try to reason with illusions.
This is not real.
“Do people really swim in the ocean?” Hikaru asked with wide eyes, breaking Yoshiki from his stupor.
”Huh? Yeah they do, but not really on days like this. It’s too cold, and too dangerous,” Yoshiki responded, trying to feign calmness, not wanting his tone of voice or facial expression to unveil his inner turmoil.
“Dangerous? It’s just water! And you can teach me how to swim!” Hikaru giggled as he brazenly ran towards the water, not a care in the world.
His ankles were submerged in water in the blink of an eye. “You’re right, it’s freezing!”
“Hikaru, wait! Don’t move any further!” Yoshiki yelled as he sprinted into the sea. The ice cold water instantly soaked through his trousers and seeped into his shoes, making him yelp.
Hikaru took no heed to his warning as he continued to wade through the water. It rose as far as his waist, causing Yoshiki to worry even more.
Taking a deep breath as he lunged forward, he wrapped his arms around Hikaru. “There’s a rip current here, it is dangerous. Come out before anything happens.”
Another wave came crashing down, reaching up as far as their chests. Hikaru gasped for breath, shocked at the cold.
Yoshiki pulled Hikaru to the beach and they lay on their backs panting for breath.
”I really need to learn how to swim,” Hikaru whispered. “Can you teach me someday?”
”I can’t,” Yoshiki retorted, not meeting his gaze.
”Why not? I won’t be a bad student, I swear.” He pouted petulantly, jutting out his lower lip.
”It’s not that. It’s just I can’t swim,” Yoshiki admitted, his gaze still fixated on the sea before him.
”You can’t swim? But you went in to help me, even though you knew it could be dangerous?” Hikaru gasped in disbelief. “You really did that, for me?”
”Of course,” came Yoshiki’s steadfast reply. “And I would do it again, a hundred times over.”
”Yoshiki?” Hikaru asked. “I feel strange.”
”You’re not sick, are you? Did you swallow any water?” Yoshiki asked, feeling alarmed.
”It’s something in my chest. My heart, it’s beating really fast. It’s not sore, but it’s warm. It’s a feeling, I think.”
Yoshiki made no reply.
”Do you feel it too?” Hikaru asked with his eyes wide and his head tilted to the side.
”Yeah,” Yoshiki slowly revealed in a shaky breath. “I feel it too.”
”What is it?”
”I don’t know.”
”Maybe it’s like the crashing waves. You would run in after me and I would run in after you,” Hikaru mused.
“Maybe it’s something like that.”
Suddenly Hikaru grabbed his hand and pulled him to his feet. “Enough talking,” he scoffed. “We need to dry off before the train.”
”Not like you to be reasonable, are you sure you’re not sick?” Yoshiki teased.
Hikaru smiled at him. “Last one to reach the pier has to sing a solo at the next school concert!”
Yoshiki watched as Hikaru began to run, his clumsy feet kicking sand up into the air.
As he began to run, to follow Hikaru he started to think that maybe, whatever the connection between him and Hikaru was, could be real.
Maybe he didn’t need to put a label on it, to fully untwine his feelings. Maybe he could enjoy the in between stage for a while.
Because whatever the felt, it was real. As real and as true as the crashing waves.